Top Ten Things Not to Do If You’re an Islander

Islander

The inspiration for this list is the way in which non-islanders view those who live on an island. Since I have done both, I suppose I’m qualified to give advice to Islanders about how to keep non-islanders from viewing them as weird. Well, islanders are weird but at least maybe, with this list, they could appear less so.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You are an Islander

10 If you are an Islander, do, not tell everyone “It’s five o’clock somewhere” when you are taking a drink. If you do, at best they will think you need to justify your drinking habit. At worst, you’ll get a full-scale intervention. (That Pina Colada for breakfast sure cut the fog didn’t it, though?)

9 If you are an Islander, do not use the word “chill” ever. If you do, at best your uptight non-islander friends will take offense. At worst, you might trigger a psychotic event with someone who has reached the end of the advice road. (Wow, where did that fist come from?)

8 If you are an Islander, do not criticize the frozen shrimp served in the non- islander’s appetizer. If you do, your host will no doubt wish you had stayed home. At worst, you will get some advice on where you can store your fresh shrimp boat and all. (Hint, it’s a place where the sunshine is at a minimum)

7 If you are an Islander, do not attend events in flip-flops. If you do, at best most will think you rude. At worst, you may be asked to find a more sanitary mode of footwear. (The wedding invitation said nothing about footwear did it, Clyde?)

6 If you are an Islander, do not think all furnitureΒ can withstand suntan oil staining. If you do, at best those you visit will have a permanent remembranceΒ of your visit on their floral print furniture. At worst, you might be presented with the cleaning tab for that spot left behind. (Why so mad? You didn’t mean it. Right Clod?)

5 If you are an Islander, do not drive on the non-island freeway. If you do, at best you’ll be assaulted by honking horns. At worst, you may find yourself, tired, confused, and arrested for going thirty-five miles an hour in a sixty-five zone. (Thirty-five seems fast enough for a human to travel, huh Ferd?)

4 If you are an Islander, do not refer to everyone and everything as “off island.” If you do, at best you need to remember you are “off island” as well. At worst, someone may accuse you of using derogatory terms and take offense. (Guess who the big guy crossing the room with clenched fists is coming to talk to?)

3 If you are an Islander, do not show up for a meeting or interview wearing shorts. If you do, at best no one will take you seriously. At worst some will think you are avoiding the dress convention and assume you are a rebellious individual. (You must know how “rebellious” and “individual” traits play in organized commerce. Ah well, unemployment checks are better than nothing)

2 If you are an Islander, do not ignore the sign, “No shoes, no shirt, no service.” If you do, at best you won’t get a table. At worst, you will need to find another way to eat since that sign seems to be everywhere. (Hot dogs over an open fire are tasty Rube)

1 If you are an Islander, do not fail to shower before you leave the island. If you do, at best you won’t see the wild looks of those you pass. Β At worst, you will spend some lonely days until you get back. (We know you just forgot and besides a dip in the Gulf takes care of everything.)

 

45 comments

  1. They really need to add ‘pants’ to that #2 warning. It’s just asking for someone to mess with it.

    1. Ha ha ha. πŸ˜€

  2. I might be guilty of #6. LOL! Love the meme, John!

    1. The meme world is endless. Thanks, Jill. πŸ™‚

  3. I have to worry about #6 after working outside (just from the sweat). That plus the dog doesn’t like me messing up her couch. Great list, John.

    1. Thanks, Dan. πŸ™‚ (The couch is a sacred place)

      1. It is, and it isn’t mine.

  4. That explains the people I’ve been seeing around here lately.

    1. There you go. Another public service by yours truly. πŸ˜€

  5. Uuummmmm….. Pina Colada for breakfast… And LOL re the cartoon. If I were on a dessert island, I’d probably be in the ocean pretty quick. (*Burp* Excuse me.) It was kind of hard to refocus after thinking of those, and read the rest of the fun list. But then I need a caffeine IV after waking up at 2 a.m. to the baseline of a car stereo that just sat and sat and played and played. Called security and got their answering machine… However, I’m sure my bosses will annoy me into full wakefulness with their idiocy.
    Have a marvelous Monday, John. Mega hugs!

    1. Don’t you just hate when people seem oblivious to the rights of others. The one I used to enjoy when I lived in the city was the car alarm at 2:00 am. Have a marauding Monday (best defense against bosses), Teagan. Hugs πŸ™‚

      1. Bwahahahaha!!! I had visions of marauding with a baseball bat last night. Good thing I don’t have one… Marauding… I’m going to entertain my imagination with that one for quite a while today. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ 😎

      2. Ha ha ha. I knew you would. πŸ˜€

  6. Living on an island with an eastern river border (the river Tamar mostly separates Cornwall from Devon and the rest of England) those rules strike a note, especially the ones about ‘Emmetts’, which are our off-islanders…
    There’s rumours that we’re about to have a Cornish Assembly to further separate us from ‘Saxon’ lawmakers and that’s where the rot will set in as we have to learn that we can’t get along quite so well without our beach and surfer tourists, and retirees and second-homers bringing in the green stuff. No man is an island!!! πŸ˜›

    1. So true, Jan. Hope it all ends well. πŸ™‚

  7. What’s wrong with flip-flops? Even in Ohio I wear flip-flops all the time. Well, in the winter I usually only wear them inside if it’s really cold.

    1. Well, go for it. πŸ™‚

  8. Love your humor, John and am envious of your island life!!

    1. Thanks, Jan. πŸ™‚

  9. Geraldine Lennon · ·

    Having lived on an island in winter in the inner Hebrides, Scotland, I can but imagine showing up in flip flops and shorts. As for suntan lotion, sigh, the sun hits high for about 20min and everyone runs out with the umbrellas in hand ..just in case. I envy the tropical side of islands and you have made it sound delicious.

    1. It is delicious. Thanks

  10. Great post, John. I LOVED #8! πŸ˜…

  11. I can practically smell the coconut oil and sea breezes from here — great list, John! Even inland, I *might* be guilty of #3…and #8!!

    1. It is okay. You are forgiven

  12. Flip-flops? Shorts? Pina Coladas? How else to enjoy hot summer days on or near an island? Too beachy? πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€
    Number 6 grabbed me immediately.

      1. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ You’re welcome, John.

  13. Thoroughly enjoyed. Though I could never live on an island cause I live in my flip-flops.

  14. 11) If you are an islander, do NOT sabotage your entire way of life for the sake of the bigoted and ignorant views of half the population, thereby rendering yourself financially impotent and cutting off your stupid, insular and isolationist nose to spite your moronic face.

    1. Totally agree. Ha ha ha.:-D

  15. #2 is just not fair

    1. But necessary. πŸ™‚

  16. Now I finally have all the knowledge I need to go island-hopping.
    Thanks, John.

    1. There you go. You can start with Manhattan. πŸ™‚

  17. Boy, I never knew the burdens carried by the islanders of the world! Great post, John!

    1. I know, Right? πŸ˜€

  18. Funny post, John. I loved the cartoon. Number 7 reminded me of a cartoon I saw some years ago that showed a guy who had come to the office in his bathrobe and the caption said, “Casual Fridays, have we gone too far?” πŸ˜€ — Suzanne.

    1. Ha ha ha. I saw one where one caveman was stark naked and the other had an animal skin on and says, “Damn I forgot it was casual Friday.”

      1. Ha, Ha. That’s even better. πŸ˜€ — Suzanne

  19. Your experience helped with this one as you live on island time. Sometimes I think I can spot those that live on the island by their dress…or shorts…when they come into town but in CC it had to tell. Enjoy the good life, John!

    1. Yeah, I don’t have a pony tail. Thanks, Jo. πŸ™‚

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