Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Dining Room Table

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Virginia Simionato on Unsplash

This post originally ran on November 28th, 2016. I think with the approaching Thanksgiving holiday, it would be a good thing to review it again. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came from the just completed Thanksgiving feast. I was very observant and did not see any of these things at our dining room table. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 At the dining room table, do not burp out loud. If you do, at best, you can recover with an “excuse me.” At worst, all the relatives will now have verified evidence that you are an animal. (They long suspected it was true, and you just gave them confirmation, Ferd)

9 At the dining room table, do not help yourself to food from someone else’s plate. If you do, at best, you’ll be told to stop. At worst, your cousin Tiny, the WWF champ, will demonstrate a new hold. (Quit whining. That hand will be okay once you get a cast, Bunky)

8 At the dining room table, do not chew your food with your mouth open. If you do, at best, you will gross out your family. At worst, grandma will take the opportunity to lecture everyone on proper manners. (Nothing like a two-hour tutorial on chewing with your mouth closed to put everyone on edge)

7 At the dining room table, do not assume your hostess meant for you to eat the fruit and nasturtiums out of the centerpiece. If you do, at best, you will be thought of as odd. At worst, your hostess will calmly advise everyone that the centerpiece is to be donated to the local old folks’ home, and she would appreciate it if there was something left to give. (Your face and the red table runner are the same color, huh, Wheezer)

6 At the dining room table, do not talk about sex, politics, or religion. If you do, at best, no one will follow suit. At worst, you will be the root cause of a donnybrook that does not have a good ending. (Those police officers are here to escort you to the station, Bud. It seems your brother-in-law didn’t take kindly to the wine bottle bonk.)

5 At the dining room table, do not insist on rolling in the TV to watch football. If you do, at best, this will be your last invitation to dinner. At worst, your table mates will shout at each other above the game’s noise, and it won’t be worth the hassle. (Did you ever think you should be on a deserted island, Buster?)

4 At the dining room table, do not text or otherwise use your phone. If you do, at best, your family’s looks should make you stop. At worst, someone will finally pluck the phone from your hand. (If you’re lucky, they won’t dump it in the gravy bowl)

3 At the dining room table, do not make any Earth-shattering announcements. If you do, at best, the long silence will be a killer. At worst, everyone will be thrown into disarray and will be sorry for whatever they said in reaction later. (Surely you could have waited to announce you were running away to join the circus, Chum)

2 At the dining room table, do not do your best imitation of a strong silent type. If you do, at best, the conversation will be on everything but your interests. At worst, your table mates will believe something is bothering you and won’t let it rest until you come clean. (They were sure surprised to learn that what they see is what they get, Dork.)

1 At the dining room table, do not think you must race everyone to a clean plate. If you do, at best, you’ll be waiting a long time for others to finish. At worst, the general impression will be that you haven’t had a good meal for a while. (That sure flies in the face of all that success bragging you were doing before dinner, huh, Bruser?)

73 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Dining Room Table”

    1. Wasn’t sure what to say to those who eat in front of the football game. Maybe do not lose sight of where your fork goes while mesmerized by the game. If you do, at best, you’ll hit your nose. At worst, losing sight will be more than an expression.

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  6. What’s odd is that I remember plenty of family dinners — Sunday, holidays, and otherwise — when politics was the heart of the conversation, and it never turned nasty. Of course, those were the days when the discussion centered around Truman vs. Roosevelt, so it may be that those times were less combative generally.

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  9. So many ways for this meal to go off the rails. I hope you remember your own rules, John, and have a very happy Thanksgiving. Give my regards to Tiny (and if he wants a drumstick…).

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  10. Because of #6, a certain family member ruined our Thanksgiving a few years ago even after being requested to stop. We even tried to change the subject, but the ranting continued.

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  11. The get-togethers with the entire family when I was younger, a) relegated me to the kids table and ,b) always freaked me out having to be subjected to one or more of the items on this list. Of course, once I graduated to the “big” table, I’m not so sure eating with the adults wasn’t even more traumatic than eating with kids as a kid. All worthwhile tips, John.🙂

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  17. In the Middle Ages, there was that advice to the “Knappen”, those boys that were educated to become knights: “Do not blow your nose in the table cloth!”

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  18. Family gatherings can be rife for potential pitfalls. Well summarized, John. Sometimes I miss the good ole days of sitting at the kids’ table in front of the TV with cartoons on!

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  21. Helping yourself to food off someone’s plate makes me think of the show Impractical Jokers. I think it’s on Tru TV. It’s pretty funny if you haven’t seen it, especially when the other jokers tell (via a hidden microphone in the guy’s ear) their buddy ridiculous things to say.

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  26. Oh, the cell phones at the dinner table is even worse at Thanksgiving. Deep discussions of any kind must be avoided at all cost, otherwise Tiny might have to put his fist down.

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  28. That is a bit extreme about burpers. In some cultures (I’m not saying which) a loud, melodious burp is a sign of extreme satisfaction and a kind of ‘thanksgiving’ to the host (or hostess usually) 🙂

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    1. Being woke in the area of burping in not my strong suit. I guess I could have said “Do not fail to burp in appreciation. If you do, at best the hostess will forgive you. At worst, Tiny will take you outside and hold you upside down until you produce a burp or give back the meal.” There I think we are covered. 😁

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