This post was published on March 27th, 2017. I think there might be some good advice if you are taking a train somewhere.

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The inspiration for this list is the fact that The Producer is on the Amtrack California Zephyr from Davis, California, to Omaha, Nebraska.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Traveling by Train

10 If you are traveling by train, do not think you can sit just anywhere. If you do, at best, you may be lucky and not take someone’s seat. At worst, you’ll get comfortable only to discover Tiny, the WWF champ, has a seat reservation where you are sitting. (Notice how quickly Tiny reacts when things don’t go his way, Bunky.)

9 If you are traveling by train, don’t forget to charge your phone before getting on. If you do forget, at best, you will have to limit your calls. At worst, you will be without your phone when you need to send that text to your boss in answer to the question, “Where the hell are you?”(Seems you forgot to tell the boss you were going on vacation, huh, Ferd?)

8 If you are traveling by train, don’t forget a blanket or sweater. If you do, at best, you’ll get chilled. At worst, trying to use your seatmate’s blanket might get you arrested for assault. (Maybe you should have asked before rolling over with it, Buford.)

7 If you are traveling by train, do not talk louder than those around you. If you do, at best, you may get into an argument with someone bigger. At worst, you and your bags might be offloaded at the next stop, which is a thousand miles from nowhere. (That mail hook was a bit of an insult, huh, Pard?)

6 If you are traveling by train, do not walk around without your shoes. If you do, at best, you may step on something that moves. At worst, you may need to re-evaluate how much you need those last pair of socks after the visit to the restroom. (This is not the beach, Buster. Shoes are required.)

5 If you are traveling by train, do not forget to take something to read. If you do, at best, you’ll get tired of reading the safety messages in the coach. At worst, you’ll begin talking with someone who obviously was just released from a mental care facility. (Your hint should have been the focus on picking lint off your sweater that wasn’t there, Bud.)

4 If you are traveling by train, do not forget to bring snacks and water. If you do, at best, the train provisions will be expensive. At worst, the last bottle of water and bag of chips will be auctioned off to the highest bidder after the twelve-hour delay at Donner Pass. (That name rings a bell, doesn’t it, Tex?)

3 If you are traveling by train, do not leave your bag unattended in the overhead rack. If you do, at best, you’ll be traveling with a group of nuns on the way to a retreat. At worst, whatever was in your bag will be for sale in the next car. (If you hurry, you might be able to buy back your underwear, Putz.)

2 If you are traveling by train, do not walk around with a full drink. If you do, at best, any spills will hit the aisle. At worst, the last lurch caused your cup to empty on the head of that enormous man in the seat you fell into. (That low growl you are hearing is not part of the train function, Guy. I would run.)

1 If you are traveling by train, do not forget where to get off. If you do, at best, you can catch the next train back in twenty-four hours. At worst, the railroad detective will finally release you after several hours of investigation into the stowaway charge. (Why you decided to ride to the end of the line is anybody’s guess, Pal.)

 

 

This post ran on February 13, 2017. Since folks are still texting, it may still be helpful. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came to me when I inadvertently sent a text to the wrong person. Luckily there was nothing in the text that might be embarrassing but caused my fiction mind to go into overdrive. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Texting

10 When texting, do not use acronyms that you don’t understand. If you do, at best, you might be misunderstood. At worst, you may shock the receiver with your lack of social grace. (You thought WTF meant “Why the Fuss,” didn’t you, Ferd? Too bad Nun Mary Teresa was the recipient of your misunderstanding.)

9 When texting, check to whom you are sending the message. If you don’t, at best, your message will provide some laughs. At worst, that disparaging comment about Tiny, the WWF champ’s mother, will go right to him by mistake. (You could have sworn you were messaging your best friend only to discover you replied to Tiny’s last text to you where he threatened to break your leg. Don’t look, but he’s heading toward you now, Buford.)

8 When texting, do not rely on auto-correct to cover your mistakes. If you do, at best, you will need to explain that last text. At worst, you just sent a group text to the garden club where you explained that the male Pinto plant needed to be placed inside a moist verdant vessel. (Well, that sure didn’t come out the way you intended, did it, Alice?)

7 When texting, do not rely on voice to text as a time saver. If you do, at best, your numerous repeats will make it a longer process. At worst, your voice recognition program only understands Cambridge English, and you are from New Jersey. (Good luck with that bit of technology, Bunky. BTW Homeland Security thinks you want to blow something up.)

6 When texting, do not include a duck-faced or tongue-out selfie with an obscene gesture thrown in. If you do, at best, you’ll demonstrate your lack of originality and IQ. At worst, your selfie will be passed from phone to phone until it ends up with your boss. (That call from HR can’t be good, huh, Bosco?)

5 When texting, do not send pictures of your food. If you do, at best, folks will think you need a hobby. At worst, you will demonstrate a cry for help that needs intervention. (How is that good feelings camp treating you, Tex?)

4 When Texting, do not use technology to wish someone a happy Valentine’s Day as your only effort. If you do, at best, you’ll never have a relationship with that person. At worst, the resultant storm will not be assuaged without some very expensive make-up gifts. (Seemed like an easy way out, huh, Pard?)

3 When texting, do not use emojis to express what should be said in person or in words. If you do, at best, you’ll be seen as an automaton. At worst, you will receive emojis back that have at the core a message telling you to place your phone in a very dark place. (You don’t know where those emojis came from, do you, Buster?)

2 When texting, do not do it while in a social situation. If you do, at best, you will look up and find yourself alone. At worst, the rest of the group will take your action as being disinterested in the event or them and ignore you for the rest of the evening. (Let’s hope you even notice, Clod.)

1 When texting, do not drive a car or operate machinery. If you do, at best, you’ll escape with no consequences. At worst, you’ll hurt someone with your negligence. (You’ll have to live with that the rest of your life, Dope.)

 

This post ran on February 20th, 2017. Since folks still take road trips, it might still be useful. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came with President’s Day weekend. A lot of people are on road trips, and at least maybe they will read this before heading back home today. I always look back fondly on those road trips so many years ago.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Road Trip

10 On a road trip, do not let the kids claim their own space in the back. If you do, at best, the territory claims will be endless. At worst, you’ll have to separate them and sit with your knees under your chin. (You forgot about the hump, huh, Bunky?)

9 On a road trip, do not start the 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall song. If you do, at best, everyone will get tired after ten. At worst, one of the kids will insist on going the whole distance. (How’s that toothache doing, Ferd?)

8 On a road trip, do not miss stating all the rules of I Spy. If you do, at best, a small loophole will allow multiple winners. At worst, forgetting the “in the car” rule means little princess will hold out for 100 miles before declaring her item was a bird on the wire. (Yes, Tex. It was the bird 100 miles back.)

7 On a road trip, do not allow anyone into Buck-ees without a pre-set budget. If you do, at best, you can justify the expense with the bonus points on the credit card. At worst, the manager of Buck-ees wants to sell your car to cover the bill. (What kind of rest stop has diamond-covered boots, huh, Pilgrim?)

6 On a road trip, do not think every tunnel is short enough to hold your breath all the way to the end. If you do, at best, you’ll hit a long one and will have to breathe. At worst, little Tiny, the future WWF champ who is a great competitor, will be blue by the time you emerge. (No one told him to give up, Buster.)

5 On a road trip, if you are the driver, do not hold up your feet over the railroad tracks. If you do, at best, you won’t have a close call. At worst, you might be caught short if you need to make a quick stop. (Is that semi in your lane, Buford?)

4 On a road trip, do not set unreasonable expectations around the number of license plates needed to be spotted to finish the game. If you do, at best, everyone will be discouraged and quit. At worst, your most competitive child will keep going until they have all fifty. (Good luck on that Hawaii plate, Pal.)

3 On a road trip, do not allow the kids to pick their own snacks. If you do, at best, you’ll need to run the car through a car wash when you get home. At worst, you will be peeling the kids off the ceiling after the mega sugar high hits. (You enjoy the screaming too, don’t you, Slick?)

2 On a road trip, do not let anyone in the car read the Stuckey’s signs. If you do, at best, you’ll have to stop every hundred miles. At worst, you’ll have so many log rolls, divinities, and clusters you will be able to open your own store. ( Not to mention the dentist bill, right Ralph?)

1 On a road trip, do not insist that everyone hold it until the gas stop. If you do, at best, the last ten miles will be very tense. At worst, you might be on the receiving end of a family mutiny. (You never realized how strong those kids are, did you, Jake?)

 

This post ran first on July 26, 2016. I’m sure there will be some art shows you’ll want to attend so the advice will hopefully be helpful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Art Show

10 If you are attending an art show, do not touch any of the art. If you do, at best, you’ll be reprimanded by the artist. At worst, that blotch of tomato sauce from your stromboli, which now sits on the piece of art, marks it as yours. (You always wanted to own a painting with the obsessive/compulsive title “My Evil Obsession,” didn’t you, Slick?)

9 If you are attending an art show, do not ask the artist if they give a discount. If you do, at best, you will have to listen to a monologue about the value of hand-crafted art. At worst, you will be called certain names which you probably haven’t been called before. (That peyote sure gets those artist folks fired up, doesn’t it?)

8 If you are attending an art show, do not sit in a chair that is clearly a work of art. If you do, at best, you will be asked kindly to get up. At worst, you might face Tiny, the WWF ex-champ who is also a very close friend of the artist. (That crack you just heard better be a bone and not the chair.)

7 If you are attending an art show, do not interact with an exhibit that has a sign “Look but don’t touch.” If you do, at best, nothing will break, and you’ll make a clean getaway. At worst, although fun, the cost of that broken piece will keep you on peanut butter sandwiches for months. (Who ever heard of a wind-up toy that doesn’t wind up?)

6 If you are attending an art show, do not let your kids run helter-skelter through the exhibits. If you do, at best, the organizer will return them to you with a stern warning. At worst, your youngest will come screaming to you with a ransom note demanding payment before the release of the others. (A bit costly for a few minutes of entertainment, wouldn’t you say?)

5 If you are attending an art show, do not pick up objects to see how they feel. If you do, at best, you’ll be lucky and not drop one. At worst, that eagle feather that looked so light will turn out to be made of concrete that unfortunately broke in two as it took out the mirror-covered table. (A two-finger lift was not the best way.)

4 If you are attending an art show, do not try to impress the artist if you know nothing about art. If you do, at best, you will confirm you know nothing. At worst, the artist will kindly listen and then call upon the local shaman to strike you mute. (Was fun listening to yourself talk until you couldn’t anymore, right?)

3 If you are attending an art show, do not eat anything while touring the booths. If you do, at best, most of the artists will warn you away. At worst, you could be the proud owner of an unusual weaving kissed with Philly Cheesesteak juice. (Wasn’t your first choice, was it?)

2 If you are attending an art show, do not try to barter your books for a piece of art of your choice. If you do, at best, the artist will say they have already read your book. At worst, the artist will flip through your book and hand it back. (You didn’t need to hear that they don’t ever read your genre.)

1 If you are attending an art show, do not think your purchase has a money-back guarantee. If you do, at best, you will be embarrassed when you try to bring it back. At worst, the artist will be insulted that you didn’t want to keep the precious item. (That lawyer they hired just won’t go away, darn it.)

 

 

This post ran on May 23rd, 2016. Still looks like the advice will hold.

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The inspiration for this list came to me while witnessing a couple of houses for sale. I figured that, among other things, these items would be pretty obvious. I have to believe they were just not top of mind when the listing broker showed up to sign the listing. Of course, no listing broker worth their salt would point out particular areas needing improvement until the agreement is signed. After the ink is dry, it is hoped some discussion will occur.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if Your House is For Sale

10 If your house is for sale, do not decide to make your regular batch of sour kraut during the broker open house. If you do, at best, those attending are all sour kraut lovers. At worst, small notes will be made on the file to the effect that a complete cleaning will be needed to eliminate the dead animal smell. (Where did someone get the idea sour kraut smelled like a dead animal?)

9 If your house is for sale, do not assume everyone will overlook all the repairs that have been put off. If you do, At best, you might be able to save the deal by reducing the price to offset what needs fixing. At worst, you will be the proud owner of this house until it falls. (Or until you get off your butt and finish the repairs.)

8 If your house is for sale, do not think the words “Don’t mind the mess” will cause potential buyers to follow your advice. If you do, at best, the potential buyers will politely spend a few moments and then disappear. At worst, the potential buyers will factor in a mess in their offer price. (How do you feel about paying the buyers $1000.00 per messy room in a reduced offer.)

7 If your house is for sale, do not think you can shove all your junk into the garage. If you do, at best, your potential buyers will be the same kind of folks who don’t use their garage for cars. At worst, your potential buyers will assume all your junk will remain with the house and will make for the nearest exit. (Gee, you told them you would have all that stuff moved, right?)

6 If your house is for sale, do not hang around while potential buyers visit. If you do, at best, the potential buyers will think you don’t trust them. At worst, the potential buyers will believe you have some creepy alternative motive for spying on them. (The creepiness of the reason will escalate the more they see you.)

5 If your house is for sale, do not think your massive prize collection of garden gnomes has the same appeal to potential buyers. If you do, at best, your potential buyers will wonder what other collections you have that must be shipped. At worst, your potential buyers will think your house is cursed by the garden people and will make tracks out of there. (Some of those ceramic folk look like they might be dangerous after dark.)

4 If your house is for sale, do not leave your pet parrot behind for the showing. If you do, at best, the potential buyers will learn some new words that Polly has heard from you. At worst, the potential buyers are both grossly allergic to exotic bird droppings due to many years serving in the Peace Corps in the jungle. (Your first inkling of a problem is the flashing EMT lights and police cars in front of your house, all being interviewed by the Nightly News.)

3 If your house is for sale, do not go ahead with the plans for that four-week vacation. If you do, at best, you will need to come home early to sign papers. At worst, you will return after the break to find every light on, running water, and wide open doors due to some showings. (You hope you will be able to get rid of that swarm of mosquitoes that look like they are carrying malaria.)

2 If your house is for sale, do not forget to have your pest and house inspection. If you do forget, at best, the potential buyers will have it done, and the finding repairs will be up to you. At worst, the potential buyers will employ “Midnight House Inspection and Pest Control,” whose fee depends on the number of problems they can find. (You never knew you had a black widow spider infestation, did you, Bunkey?)

1 If your house is for sale, do not try to do it yourself. If you do, at best, you will avoid the obvious pitfalls of “for sale by owner.” At worst, you will find yourself discussing unforeseen issues, which will be resolved by price reductions. (It makes the commission look cheap now, doesn’t it?)

 

Originally posted on March 16th, 2016. I thought it would be fun to revisit since it is totally fiction.

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This list was inspired by taking a moment to walk in the shoes of the one thousand or so Billionaires in this world. I wanted to imagine how hard it would be to stay on the good side of the household staff dedicated to serving day in and day out. So come with me on this fictional walk among the privileged.

Top Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff

10 Do not ask your chauffeur to wash the car. If you do, at best, you’ll get a look that can’t be explained. At worst, you will be treated to a ride through the car wash while you are supposed to be headed for the airport. (Your chauffeur never left the front seat either)

9 Do not ask your butler to empty a wastebasket. If you do, at best, the basket will be there untouched. At worst, you will find the basket contents under your clothes laid out for the day. (That lint is a killer, isn’t it?)

8 Do not ask the chambermaid to get a cup of coffee. If you do, at best, you will have a very grumpy butler on your hands. At worst, the chambermaid may bring you a coffee that is only 99% spit-free. (One would hope you knew the duty roster better )

7 Do not ask the cabana person to pick some leaves out of the spa. If you do, at best, he will report you to the pool man. At worst, he will pick the leaves out, and the pool man will threaten him to the point where he is forced to leave. (This was the best cabana person of the last five who quit after picking out some leaves)

6 Do not ask the yard man to sweep the garage. If you do, at best, the yard man will tell the garage man that the garage needs cleaning. At worst, the yard man will sweep out the garage along with the twenty irreplaceable bolts required to hold your Rolls Royce transmission in place. (Don’t worry. The replacement bolts can be sent from the UK for $1000.00 each plus shipping.)

5 Do not ask the chef to run out and pick up a few things at the store. If you do, at best, they will get someone else to do it. At worst, you will still be perplexed why tonight’s dinner is Kraft Macaroni and cheese. (There is nothing wrong with a sample of proletariat cuisine even though your guest is the German ambassador. Right?)

4 Do not tell the House administrator you think there is too much spending on household items. If you do, at best, the spending will increase. At worst, you must get used to lower winter and higher summer temperatures in the house and hot dogs twice a week. (How do you feel about a foot-high lawn? Those sheep are having trouble keeping up.)

3 Do not mention to your pilot that you thought the last landing was a bit rough. If you do, at best, she will try a softer one next time. At worst, you might be treated to a few touch-and-go landings with several touches. (You never knew this plane could bounce that high, did you?)

2 Do not tell your yacht captain how to get from here to there. If you do, at best, he will avoid heavy seas even though they are on your chosen route. At worst, you will spend several agonizing hours wondering if you will survive the storm that was right in the way. (You never knew how much the body could send back till now, did you?)

1 Do not tell your personal trainer how to train you. If you do, at best, your workout will be something short of worthless. At worst, you will be hurting in all the wrong places and times. (Pretty tough picking up that pen to sign those paychecks, heh?)

 

This post originally ran on February 22, 2016. I think the advice remains the same today. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came on a trip to Austin, Texas two weeks ago. Of course, I didn’t do any of these things, but they came to me while unloading the car. Also, I didn’t try to include kids and pets since there is nothing funny about a possible tragedy. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Leave in Your Car

10 Do not leave a leftover Big Mac in your car. If you do, at best, you will need to ride with the windows down for a week. At worst, you will have to call Terminix to get rid of your new insect passengers. (Bad deal since it was only there for a week, after all)

9 Do not leave your phone in your car. If you do, at best, the sun will give you a new look to your case. At worst, you will wish you had bought the insurance when you get your blob’s replacement price. (No one told you those things were so delicate, did they?)

8 Do not leave your laundry in your car. If you do, at best, those wrinkles will be permanent. At worst, those plastic bags will become part of your fabric. (You got a lot of compliments on the new look, right?)

7 Do not leave your loaded gun in your car. (Texas, after all) If you do, at best, the temperature will remain below the flash point. At worst, your gun will go off and put a hole in the side of your car and the three others parked in a line parallel to yours. (It was only going to be a quick run into the store, right? That SWAT team looks pretty serious.)

6 Do not leave the twelve red roses in your car. If you do, at best, the recipient will not notice a slight wilt. At worst, you will present someone with twelve stems and try to explain how $70.00 worth of blooms are on the floor of your car. ( Man, the sun gets hot, doesn’t it?)

5 Do not leave the first-grade birthday cupcakes in your car. If you do, at best, you can tell the kids they are still warm from the oven. At worst, you will be trying to sell a new treat called cupcake crumble to gullible youth. (I’ll bet they don’t believe you. What do you think?)

4 Do not leave your keys in your car. If you do, at best, the keyman will only charge $75.00 to open the door. At worst, the local car thieves will be able to open your door for free, but you will never see the car again. (Sure, it was inadvertent but still.)

3 Do not leave your suitcase in the car where it can be seen. If you do, at best, no one will notice it on the backseat. At worst, whoever took out your back window figured you had thirty pounds of gold bars in that case. (Go figure. The window will only be $400.00)

2 Do not leave your half-full coffee cup in the holder. If you do, at best, when you return, the coffee will be stale. At worst, you will take a sip, and your lip will immediately blister from the 180-degree heat. (The melted handle should have been your clue.)

1 Do not leave your valuable vintage CD collection in your car. If you do, at best, they may sound a little warped when you play them next. At worst, you will be the proud owner of the largest stack of fused CDs (You can spend months trying to pry them apart or just call it an avant guarde sculpture.)

 

This list was first published on February 16th, 2016. I still this it is good advice today.

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This list is inspired by a weekend out-of-town and overhearing some of the darnedest things said by others.

Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear

10. When others can hear you, do not ask your partner if they brought the money. If you do, at best, we all know you’re okay to spend. At worst, the mugger behind you will love the confirmation you should be ripped off. (Could have whispered that one, right?)

9 When others can hear you, do not ask a server if the food is good. If you do, at best, they’ll walk away to get water, and you have no more information than when you arrived. At worst, they will lie and say it is all good, and you now have a choice to order or leave. (Gotta wonder why you came here in the first place)

8 When others can hear you, do not negatively comment on the neighborhood decline. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, you will have offended Little Bubba, who just happens to be the new POA president and local gang lord. (I guess that answers the question about your missing tires when you return to your car, which is now on cement blocks)

7 When others can hear you, do not ask the butcher if he has any better cuts of meat. If you do, at best, he will say that all his cuts are on display. At worst, he will be offended at the implication of poor quality and explain to everyone in line you are obviously not a judge of good meat. (Better than being chased around the store by a half-crazed man with a butcher knife)

6 When others can hear you, do not discuss your plans for the evening. If you do, at best, you’ll sound like an idiot. At worst, the local cat burglar who followed you here will make a note of the hours of your absence from your house. (The rooms do look bigger now that you have no furniture.)

5 When others can hear you, do not complain about your neighbors. If you do, at best, those that hear have no idea who you or your neighbors are. At Worst, those that hear are relatives of your neighbors and are now approaching you with malice in their eyes. (As a side note, they are all members of the Dingle Brothers kickboxing team.)

4 When others can hear you, do not answer “how are you doing?” with anything but “fine.” If you do, at best, your story will sound a notch south of pathetic. At worst, you will come home to a ringing phone, and it will be your mother calling to find out the problem. (If it was that bad, you should have told her. Right?)

3 When others can hear, do not try to impress them with your knowledge of anything. If you do, at best, you will sound pompous. At worst, the person hearing you will be an expert in the area on which you are pontificating and be quick to point out how wrong you are. (Man, who was to know that guy was an oenophile?)

2 When others can hear you, do not try to get a better price on a car. If you do, at best, the salesperson will try to direct you to an office. At worst, the salesperson will announce loudly that the car is below cost now and can’t take one more penny off. (Imagine that. The price is written in sharpie black)

1 When others can hear you, do not try to talk the police officer out of a ticket. If you do, at best, you have guaranteed the officer will write one up. At worst, you might be the cause of a call for backup and a charge of trying to bribe an officer. (Your “Ten Bucks” offer for the Policeman’s Ball ticket was a little out of line.)

 

This post was published on February 8th, 2016. Still hoping for spring, so here it goes again. Wishing you a Happy Presidents Day.

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I know most of the US and much of the northern hemisphere of the world is in winter conditions, and I would not think about going to the zoo this time of year. However, since I am deeply committed to providing only the highest quality of information *cough* designed to keep you out of trouble, this list is being proffered in preparation for an early spring. (Guaranteed). As a plus, the title has a little alliteration which is fun.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo

10 At the zoo, do not tempt the Ostrich to eat the keys to your car. If you do, at best, it will ignore you for the kid’s ice cream cone. At worst, you will be following the Ostrich around the enclosure with a shovel and bag, hoping for efficient movement of the keys. (Lucky you when it comes to the separation process as well. Ew.)

9 At the zoo, do not make fun of the giant gorilla. If you do, at best, you might receive a warning from the park employee. At worst, you might be wearing some of his lunch. ( And you don’t want to know when he ate it.)

8 At the zoo, do not let your inner child join your kids on the carousel. If you do, at best, you might lose your footing as you get off. At worst, you will be too dizzy to stand and find yourself on the ground. ( Did that person just call you a drunk?)

7 At the zoo, do not think letting the goat eat your hair is cute. If you do, at best, you will learn goats pull grass and hair out by the roots. At worst, you will need to get to someone who can even out what has become a bald half of your head. (Those little ones move fast, don’t they?)

6 At the zoo, do not roar at the lion. If you do, at best, the lion will understand you are dope. At worst, the lion will feel the need to mark you as part of his territory. (A little breezy riding home on the roof of the car, isn’t it, Bunky.)

5 At the zoo, do not let your kids off leash and out of your sight. If you do, at best, they will only get lost and found quickly. At worst, you will be frantic and arrive at the monkey enclosure in time to see your kids trying to talk the head of the monkey clan out of his favorite banana. (That monkey looks like he may lose his temper any moment, doesn’t he?)

4 At the zoo, do not go to the bird show and yell when the hawk swoops low. If you do, at best, the bird will become frightened and give you a present before returning to its perch. At worst, the hawk will think you are prey and attempt to lift you by your head. (Those talons can hang on, can’t they?)

3 At the zoo, do not try to lure an animal to the edge of its enclosure with snack bar food. If you do, at best, you might get a cute picture of them eating out of your hand. At worst, you might be making a rushed trip to the ER when you realize that french fry was still attached to your finger. (That made a pretty funny photo, and a video would have gone viral.)

2 At the zoo, do not think the elephant can’t reach you with a water spray. If you do, at best, you have to run fast to avoid it. At worst, you will be drenched and will have to leave early. (What made you think the elephant wanted part of your burrito anyway?)

1 At the zoo, do not volunteer at any of the wild animal shows. If you do, at best, you could embarrass your family with your screams. At worst, that carrot you are holding in your mouth for the sea lion might just be one inch too low. ( Your nose will be better in a couple of weeks)