Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Facebook in 2004

February 4, 2019February 3, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 77 Comments

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. On this day in 2004, Mark Zuckerberg founded Facebook in his Harvard dormitory room. If you were there or if you intend to time travel there are things that you should not do. Here is a list that will be handy and keep you from making mistakes.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Facebook in 2004.

10 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not ask him to post pictures of your lunch. If you do, at best he’ll see you to the door. At worst, he will recognize that Facebook might not be the intellectual breakthrough he envisioned. (So now you are responsible for Zuckerberg returning to class, Georgio. The world has lost a game-changing innovation. Or not.)

9 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ to give up his lower bunk so you can sit down. If you do, at best you’ll have to sit on the floor. At worst, Tiny who just returned from the student health clinic after his shock therapy might take your request as a threat to his personal space. (It looks like your training for the 100-meter run starts now, Gergely. Good luck on those stairs.)

8 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not IM him with a request that he visit your Facebook page. If you do, at best he will ignore you. At worst, he will attend and leave you a succinct evaluation. (Wow, never thought you were that incompetent did you, German. Maybe those dancing minions were a little over the top.)

7 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not start a Facebook group called “Zuck’s Zombies.” If you do, at best no one will join. At worst, Mark will figure out that you need to be controlled. (Looks like you have been banned for life, Gerred. Too bad since Facebook is only a day old. The good news is you are the poster child for all those banned with no reason given.)

6 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not start stalking everyone who has signed up for the new service. If you do, at best there will be complaints, but no one knows who you are. At worse, you will be discovered as the perpetrator. (You should have thought this through, Gervase. There are only three of you signed up for the service so far.)

5 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not ask Mark for the phone number of that attractive person in Shaw Hall. If you do, at best he will ignore you. At worst, your request will cause a deeper thought on how much information can be collected and then released to others. (Looks like your request set in motion a lot of data mining for the future, Gian You should call yourself Data Mine Alpha.)

4 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not send out that list titled, Ten Reasons to Go Out with Me to your friend list. If you do, at best all will think you are joking. At worst, your friend list will drop by the number sent. (It appears even in the beginning no one likes SPAM, Gilfred. Well maybe you can start over with fresh friends.)

3 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not send out a video of a cat playing the piano. If you do, at best you’ll get some “likes.” At worst, the ASPCA will want to talk to you regarding your treatment of a cat. (Looks like you were not as anonymous as you thought, Gilleasbuig.)

2 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not tag twelve of your friends to name what they are grateful for today and ask them to tag twelve friends. If you do, at best all twelve will be too busy to see the post. At worst, all twelve will see the post but decide they don’t need this kind of work. (All in all, there will be about 3000 folks who will not know how lucky they are to have your original twelve ignore you, Giovani.)

1 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not post a picture of your latest purchase. If you do, at best it is from Target. At worst, you put up an insanely overpriced luxury item from Neiman Marcus. (Well, Girvin you accomplished making everyone gag at your excessive spending behavior. And you thought they would all be happy for you. Isn’t being a narcissist trying at times?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Women Prohibitionists Smash 12 Saloons in Kansas in 1901

January 28, 2019January 27, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. This week is the anniversary of the 1901 smashing of twelve saloons in Kansas by women prohibitionists lead by Carrie Nation. If you have the ability to time travel to that event this list is designed to keep you out of trouble.

10 If you are there with Carrie Nation, do not try to sneak a sip from your flask of Jack Daniels. If you do, at best you’ll be unseen. At worst, the prohibitionist will be tempted to treat you like a piece of the bar. ( You should have thought about that drink, Garbhan. Maybe the fact that everyone was wielding a hatchet might have given you a hint. Lucky you got hit with the dull end.)

9 If you are there with Carrie Nation, do not try to hold on to your bottle while Tiny the WWF champ is attempting to pull it from your hand. If you do, at best it will slip out. At worst, Tiny who just lost his last marble in a game has no intention of losing a tug of war over a bottle of bourbon. (Best to let him have it, Garet. His big hand is on your head, and he is getting ready to squeeze. I’ve seen him open cantaloupes this way)

8 If you are there with Carrie Nation, do not wear your “One Man One Vote” T-shirt. If you do, at best you can talk fast and save yourself. At worst, it will be assumed you are not in favor of women’s suffrage. (That would be like wearing a honey coated shirt to a bear convention, Garrard. Just not done.)

7 If you are there with Carrie Nation, do not shed a tear as all those bottles of booze get smashed. If you do, at best they may think something got in your eye. At worst, you might be mistaken for an anti-temperance person. (Getting tossed out of the bar on your ear is better than a lot of possibilities, Garrson. Consider yourself lucky.)

6 If you are there with Carrie Nation, do not try to sing hymns if you don’t know the words. If you do, at best someone may find you a hymnal. At worst, the group may consider you an outsider and want you gone. (If you had only hummed the tune, you would have been home free, Garton. BTW it is “Bringing in the Sheaves” not “Hide the Shives.”

5 If you are with Carrie Nation, do offer to order take out after the “hatchetations.” If you do, at best no one will understand what you mean. At worst, you will give your time traveler status away. (There are still a lot of people who believe in witches, Garwood. Looks like a big pile of firewood is left from the bar. I think I would book out of there.)

4 If you are with Carrie Nation, do not start talking about the Kansas City Chiefs while chopping up saloons. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worst, someone will ask you what you are talking about. (Since the Kansas City Chiefs were named in 1963 you are a little ahead of yourself, Gavino. Also, Ms. Nation wants to speak in private. Never a good thing.)

3 If you are with Carrie Nation, do not mistakenly call her Lizzy Bordon. If you do at best, she never heard of Lizzy. At worst, since Lizzy became famous in 1892, Carrie is well aware of who she is. (Good luck trying to explain it was the hatchet that made you make the mistake, Gearald. You see Lizzy was accused of using an ax to commit murder.)

2 If you are with Carrie Nation, do not argue with her when she claims to have invented the airplane. If you do, at best she will tire of trying to convince you. At worst, she will tire of you. (You have to remember she is the one with the hatchet, Gedalyahu. You’ve seen that look in her eye before.)

1 If you are with Carrie Nation, try not to be arrested by the police. If you do, at best you are only charged with a misdemeanor. At worst, the police have decided to make an example of the Carrie Nation and her band. (The judge has given you a fine that amounts to over $15,000 in today’s money, Gennadi. I think you should hot the time travel button and get out of there. I hope you didn’t give them your real name.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Publication of an American Novel in 1789

January 21, 2019January 20, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 58 Comments

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. Today is the 230th anniversary of the publication of the first American novel. Its title was “Power of Sympathy,” and it was written by William Hill Brown. If you were there when this event happened, there are some things you should not have done. In case you have a time machine and plan to go here is a list of the Top Ten Things Not to Do to keep you out of trouble.

10 If you are there when published, do not complain about the nine shilling price. If you do, at best you’ll come off like a cheap skate. At worst, the publisher will take your name and vow never to publish anything you write. (I guess you can take this guy off your query list, Gael. Of course, you never got a response to the ten you did send already.)

9 If you are there when published, do not try to take more than one bookmark being handed out by Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best Tiny will merely take the extra back, At worst, Tiny, who has just been expelled from empathy school, will assume you are challenging his authority, (Looks like it is time to head for the door, Gino)

8 If you are there when published, do not wear your I love New York t-shirt. If you do, at best no one will notice. At worst, since the book was published in Boston, you might have to deal with rabid Bostonians who hate New York for whatever reason. (Don’t try to write it off as loyal Red Sox fans, Griffith. Baseball is still not played. The first game was in 1846 fifty-seven years from now.)

7 If you were there when published, do not write a review before you have read the book. If you do, at best no one will read it. At worst, the author will have his second call upon you. (The subject at hand is a duel, Gabian. I hope you know your way around flintlock dueling pistols.)

6 If you were there when published, do not ask when the Kindle edition will be available. If you do, at best you’ll get puzzled looks. At worst, once you explain the Kindle, you’ll be spending some quality time in the stocks. (They don’t exactly believe in witches, Gadhi, but you are as close to one as they can imagine. Look forward to some moments of panic in the dunking chair. I would just tell them you are a witch.)

5 If you are there when published, do not say to the author that you are thinking of writing a book as well. If you do, at best he’ll just laugh. At worst, you’ll experience the weightlessness that comes from falling through a trap door leading to the swamp. ( Now you know why the author stood in that one location with his arm resting on a lever, Gaelan. Authors hate it when folks think writing a book is so damn easy.)

4 If you are there when published, do not ask for an author autograph on anything but the book. If you do, at best he might sign your paper with the name of his carriage driver. At worst, the people behind you who are holding a book will shame you into a purchase. (By shame we are talking about that musket in your face, Gairbhith. These people really love the author)

3 If you are there when published, do not ask the author if he has been thinking of getting a real job. If you do, at best you will be shown the door. At worst, you will have asked the question that the author’s spouse asked over breakfast this morning. (This seems to be a sore spot with the author, Galeun. Time to think of a graceful way to get out fast.)

2 If you are there when published, do not ask the author when his next book is coming out. If you do, at best the author has another book coming out. At worst, the author has a bad case of writer’s block and is near insanity with worry. (Yes he is holding the cleaver that used to be on the sideboard, Galton. Yes, he has a fiery look in his eye. Yes, he is coming for you.)

1 If you are there when published, do not suggest a plot that you believe the writer will want to write. If you do, at best you will get a kind smile. At worst, the author, having heard ten other plot ideas already today, will walk away. (I wouldn’t call it rude, Galyn. I would call it your life-saving technique.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Landing at Plymouth Rock in 1620

December 10, 2018June 29, 2020 ~ John W. Howell ~ 67 Comments

The Mayflower

This post is a continuation of the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. On December 11th, 1620 the pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. If you were there here is a list to help you stay out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Landing at Plymouth Rock in 1620

10 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not suggest a beach party once reaching land. If you do, at best no one will understand you. At worst, there will be a realization on the part of the elders that you are possessed. ( You might as well confess, Gabriele. They won’t stop the water board treatment until you do. Of course, confession may lead to an old-fashioned stake burning. Tough decision.)

9 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not try to beat Tiny the WWF champ to a long-boat. If you do, at best you’ll trip and miss your chance. At worst, you’ll find yourself in the boat sitting next to Tiny, and he doesn’t look happy. (You’ll soon learn, Gadiel that Tiny promised his mom that he would be the first into the boat and first onto land. Now that he has missed his number one promise, it looks like you are about to be tossed overboard. If so, give that anchor he gave you to hold back to Tiny before you go.)

8 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not start telling everyone about planting a fish with the corn. If you do, at best you will be laughed out-of-town. At worst, since it is December and the ground is frozen solid, you might be taken for crazy. (Of course, you meant in the spring, Gair. The guys with that ball and chain could care less.)

7 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not mention anything about a turkey dinner for Thanksgiving. If you do, at best you’ll have to go hunting. At worst, the elders will quiz you closely about the reason to be thankful. It is cold, wet, and miserable. ( Now that they mention it, Galchobhar you may have tipped your hand about time travel. This can only lead to the thought that you are a devil. That thought never gets anyone anything.)

6 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not start talking about forming a football team named the Pilgrim Patriots. If you do, at best no one ever heard of football. At worst, you will immediately be accused of rule violations and will forever curse the team to public scorn. (So there is where all this New England Patriot controversy comes from, Galterieo. Might as well label it Pilgrimgate.)

5 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not wear your “I love Pope Paul V,” sweatshirt. If you do, at best no one will notice it under your black tunic. At worst, William Brewster will catch a glimpse, and reach an apocalyptic state of the highest order. (Good thing you were able to talk your way out of that one, Galvyn. Not sure anything Catholic would be welcome here.)

4 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not make jokes about the native tribe name Wampanoags. If you do, at best the native Americans will not hear you. At worst, Massasoit, their leader will take offense. ( Now we have another fine kettle of fish, Ganesh. The pilgrims need the Indian assistance, and the leader is mad at you. Guess who will be eliminated in this standoff?)

3 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not try to convince people to dig up clams for food. If you do, at best most will simply say, “No thank you.” At worst, you will be declared a food crank and banished. (You have to remember, Garbhach the idea of digging up something in the water and then eating it is not what most people think is normal.)

2 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not insist on building a split-level ranch home with a bay view. If you do, at best you’ll have to do it alone. At worst, the leadership will put you at the bottom of the priority list. (Nice move, Gared. You’ll be in this lean-to for another year at best.)

1 If you land with the Pilgrims, do not discuss your recipe for the perfect margarita with anyone. If you do, at best someone will report you. At worst, you’ll be asked to prepare a batch, and there is no tequila or limes anywhere. (How do these stocks feel, Garred? You only have thirty days to go.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Napoleon’s Emperor Crowning Ceremony in 1804

December 3, 2018December 2, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

This post continues the Top Ten things not to do with a historical backdrop. On December 2, 1804, Napoleon Bonaparte himself Emperor of France. If you were there here are at least ten things that I hope you did not do. I hope you enjoy this list.

10 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not boo when he takes the crown from the pope and puts it on his head. If you do, at best do it quietly. At worst, you will be the new Emperor’s first guest at the guillotine. (This didn’t turn out the way you planned huh, Guy? Who would have thought the Emperor had no sense of humor? Hello, like everyone knew that, idiot.)

9 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not rush up to congratulate the new Emperor. If you do, at best, too many will be ahead of you. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ has been given the job of the Emperor’s bodyguard. (It is just your luck, Georgio that Tiny reacts to motion as opposed to intellect. Maybe the court doctor can reset those bones. In the meantime, drink more Champaign.)

8 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not think your old buddy is the same good guy as before becoming Emperor. If you do, at best, your hug of congratulations will be forgiven. At worst, you will wake up in the dungeon facing an assault charge. (For as many times as you and Boney partied together this comes as a complete surprise right, Garrett? Don’t worry I’m sure your buddy will reconsider. I would not hold your breath waiting though.)

7 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not wear your “Bring Back Louis XVI,” t-shirt. If you do, at best it will be taken as a joke. At worst, you will be the second guillotine guest of the Emperor. ( Whatever were you thinking when you decided to wear that shirt, Gunther? Sure it was your color but come on. )

6 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not overdo the champagne toasts. If you do, at best you have a terrible headache tomorrow. At worst, although you meant to say only complimentary comments in your last toast somehow it didn’t come out the way you planned. (Congratulations, Gallagher you are now a field marshal in charge of the Siberian front. Don’t forget your long underwear.)

5 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not ask Josephine to dance. If you do, at best she’ll say no thank you. At worst the full effect of the tap on the shoulder for a cut in by the Emperor will be realized. (What you didn’t know is the Emperor is a very jealous man. That tap signaled the home guard to drop you off in Spain, Garson. Hope you enjoy paella.)

4 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not fail to laugh at the Emperor’s jokes. If you do, at best you can feign a cough. At worst, even though the Emperor tells the lousiest jokes the laughing guards will see you out. (Maybe a lesson learned, Garcia. I’ll bet you are hoping these laughing guards are going to see you home safely. That dungeon straight ahead might mean otherwise.)

3 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not make comments about the Emperors New Clothes. If you do, at best every one read the story. At worst, Napoleon who has not read the story will believe he is naked. (You know what they say about the messenger, Giuseppe. Sayonara.)

2 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not do karaoke. If you do, at best your song will be Happy Days Are Here Again. At worst, your song will be The Bohemian Rhapsody. (Good luck with the Freddy Mercury part, Grover. Just your luck the Emperor is a big fan of Queen.)

1 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not offer to fire the cannon in salute. If you do, at best the wick will go out. At worst, your cannon is not aimed well, and you just took out the Emperor’s bedroom. (You could offer your place for sleeping, Gebek or maybe better, just start running.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Great Flood of 2348 BC

November 26, 2018November 25, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

This post continues the Top Ten Not to Do list with a historical background. Scholars widely assert that November 25th is the anniversary of the beginning of the great flood in 2348 BC. Pretend you were there and here is a list that will keep you out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Great Flood of 2348 BC.

10 In the time of the great flood, do not mock Noah’s boat building so far from water. If you do, at best he won’t hear you. At worst, after forty days and nights of rain, you are going to wish you never had. (Good luck on treading water for a few months, Gregory. Those boat jokes seem a little lame now don’t they?)

9 In the time of the great flood, do not offer Tiny the WWF champ some help with that rhinoceros. If you do, at best he’ll pass on the assist. At worst, Tiny who has just finished his group session on self-esteem will believe you think he is incapable of loading that snorting beast into the Ark. (Now you have to worry about a loose rhinoceros and soothing Tiny’s feelings, Giovanni. I think the rhino might be an easier task.)

7 In the time of the great flood, do not ask Noah about who is playing in the show lounge. If you do, at best Noah will think you are joking. At worst, Noah will realize you think the whole boat thingy is a Carnival cruise. (I suppose you should feel grateful Noah allows you to ride in the dinghy, Graham. He could have just tossed you overboard.)

6 In the time of the great flood, do not start singing the Unicorn Song. If you do, at best Noah will think it cute. At worst, since Noah was not able to get the unicorns on board, he’ll feel bad. (Don’t forget Noah is 600 years old, Gilbert. He probably never heard of the Irish Rovers and now you are in the brig on bread and water.)

5 In the time of the great flood, do not smack a pesky mosquito. If you do, at best it will recover. At worst, you just killed one of the two on board. (Although it seems like you have done a service to humanity, Gustavo, Noah is going to be plenty pissed since he was supposed to have two of everything. I would lay low if I were you.)

4 In the time of the great flood, do not try to bring more than one carry-on bag on the Ark. If you do, at best the second bag will be floating. At worst, you’ll be caught, and Captain Noah will allow the bags to ride but toss you off. ( I don’t think the punishment is too harsh, Gustavo. What is every being brought two suitcases?)

3 In the time of the great flood, do not try to water ski off the back of the Ark. If you do, at best you won’t lose your grip on the rope. At worst, the Ark is not going fast enough, and you’ll sink like a stone. (It doesn’t do much good to signal for help, Gerard. That giraffe has no idea what you mean.)

2 In the time of the great flood, do not ask Noah for a turn at the tiller. If you do, at best he will turn you down flat. At worst, he will give you a spin. ( The fact that you don’t know North from South is not going to play well here, Gabe. Lucky the mountain tops are fourteen cubits under the water. What’s a cubit you ask? Go look it up.)

1 In the time of the great flood, when Noah asks you to release a dove, do not release that duck. If you do, at best the duck will come back. At worst, the duck will be able to float, so there is no need to return to the Ark. ( Noah is now asking you about how to determine if the waters have receded. “Wait until you see land,” is not the answer he is looking for, Gideon. Those water wings should help keep you up until you sight land. By the way that shark following you has not eaten for a couple of weeks.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When William Tell Shot the Apple Off His Son’s Head in 1307

November 19, 2018November 18, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

This post continues the historical backdrop for the Top Ten Things Not to Do. Yesterday was the anniversary of William Tell purportedly shooting the apple off his son’s head in 1307. If you were there at the time, there are ten things that you should take care not to do.

10 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not sneeze at the critical point when he takes aim. If you do, at best William will bless you with a Gesundheit. At worst, your sneeze will throw him off, and you will be the next in line for the apple shot. (Lucky for you he missed his son’s head, Flavien. Now it is your turn, and William looks very angry.)

9 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ to stand in for you. If you do, at best Tiny will eat your apple. At worst, Tiny who just left his veterans of the apple shot near miss support group will be traumatized by the offer. (Tiny works out his trauma by doing body slams, Florian. I think you better start looking for a soft place to land.

8 At William Tell’s archery challenge do not start humming the William Tell Overture. If you do, at best someone will like the tune. At worst, you may be accused of being a warlock since Rossini did not write it until 1829. (A couple of dips in the dunking chair will help clear that music out of your head, Florian. Can’t imagine why you would give in to an earworm anyway.)

7 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not fail to bow in respect to the hat that the newly appointed Austrian Vogt, Albrecht Gessler, has placed on a pole. If you do, at best no one will see you not bow. At worst, you will be arrested for not doing the same thing William Tell did not do. ( I hope you know how to shoot a crossbow, Fonzo. It looks like you have to hit a crabapple off of Tiny’s head. If you miss Tiny is going to be very upset. Especially if you hit him.)

6 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not wear your Austrians Suck t-shirt. If you do, at best the Austrians will think you are joking. At worst, the Austrians will think you are a leader of the Swiss independence movement. (Now you’ve done it, Forseti. The next time you see daylight, it will be at your hanging. Enjoy the brief view.)

5 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not open a stand and begin selling swiss chocolate. If you do, at best the Austrians will like the chocolate. At worst, your chocolate will be declared contraband and you a revolutionary. ( I told you to stick with Speckknödel, Francesco. Now look at the fine kettle of fish you’ve gotten yourself into.)

4 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not ask William for his autograph. If you do, at best he will blow you off. At worst he might give you to the count of five to see if you can outrun a crossbow bolt. (Don’t forget, Frandscus, William just shot the apple off his son’s head. I don’t think he thinks of himself as a hero.)

3 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not offer William a contract to take his apple shooting show on the road. If you do, at best William will be in a good mood and ignore you. At worst, William will sign the agreement with the understanding that you will have the apple on your head. (Well a contract is a contract, Frannsaidh. Looks like you are signed up for a thirty city tour or one depending.)

2 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not start selling T-Shirts that say I’m the Apple of my Daddy’s Eye. If you do, at best William won’t see them. At worst, William’s sense of humor will have hit an all-time low and your T-shirts pushed him over the edge. (Looks like those shirts are going to make a nice bonfire, Franziskus.)

1 At William Tell’s archery challenge, do not start taking odds on whether William will hit the apple or his son. If you do, at best no one will tell him. At worst, William will find out what your activities and come looking for you. (I would stay under that table, Frazier. I don’t think you want to explain yourself right now.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do entering King Tutankhamen’s Tomb in 1922

November 5, 2018November 4, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

This post is a continuation of the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. In 1922, the entrance to King Tutankhamen’s tomb was discovered in Egypt.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Entering King Tut’s Tomb.

10 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not ignore the curse written on the main door. If you do, at best it is just a practical joke. At worst, that look in the mirror ten days later will give you a hint you should have paid attention. (That dry skin mummy look is trying to give you a head’s up to a problem, Faer. Better contact a shaman quickly.)

9 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not disturb that cloth wrapped hulk with the WWF champion belt. If you do, at best it is just a statue. At worst, the spirit of Tiny the WWF champ has been waiting centuries to body slam an opponent. (Well, you woke it up, Fagen. I think you should start looking for a soft landing spot.)

8 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not try any of the preserved food in those gold pots. If you do, at best the food will be dust. At worse, those pickles will have a monumental repeat factor. (Stay close to the facilities, Faine. You just never know.)

7 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not sit on any of the furniture. If you do, at best you’ll pick a solid piece. At worst, you’ll sit in a 4000-year-old chair that has seen better days. ( No need to try putting it back together, Fane. That priceless antique is now sawdust, and the curator is preparing a bill for you right now.)

6 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not touch the king’s sarcophagus with your bare hand. If you do, at best a layer of dust will protect the finish. At worst, the oils from your skin will leave a permanent hand print on the priceless relic. (You may need to confess, Faraz. The CSI is now running the print through an identification process which is bound to lead to you.)

5 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not pull any lever that you may come across. If you do, at best the lever is not connected. At worst, the lever is connected to the trap door under your feet. (Falling through the dark is pretty scary huh, Farnham. Wait until you hit bottom.)

4 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not think you can take a souvenir. If you do, at best the security guy will tell you to put it back. At worst, you will get it home only to discover several Boris Karloff types hanging around your bedroom. (Don’t worry about these guys being see-through, Farquhar. At least they can’t hold a knife.)

3 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not forget a flashlight (electric torch). If you do, at best someone else may have one. At worst you’ll try using a cigarette lighter and end up falling in the coffin with the king. (You can stop screaming now, Farren. The king is not holding you down. That cover merely slammed shut .)

2 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not take a selfie with the king. If you do, at best the picture won’t turn out. At worst, when you look at it, the picture will have some other characters in it which you never saw. (I’m not saying the place is haunted, Farrokh but you now have captured the souls of the king”s guards. Good luck with that.)

1 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not bring your big gulp drink inside. If you do, at best it will be gone before you set it down. At worst, you will set it where someone will knock it over into the King’s sarcophagus. (History records some unknown substance all over the king, Fars. Your secret is safe with us.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Battle of Waterloo

October 15, 2018October 14, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 77 Comments

The Battle of Waterloo by Clément-Auguste Andrieux

This post continues the historical tableaux for the Top Ten Lists. As always I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not volunteer to carry the French Eagle battle standard. If you do, at best your application will be lost. At worst, every British and Prussian soldier will be trying to take it from you. (So how does it feel, Flannery, having 15,000 swords all waving at you?)

9 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not continue to try to meet Emperor Napoleon if Tiny the WWF champ tells you to go away. If you do at best, you may get thrown out. At worst, Tiny who just finished his last group session on self-esteem may think you don’t respect him. (Uh oh. Looks like Tiny is priming that musket, Floinn. Might be a good time to try out the Air Jordans.)

8 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not order Napoleon Brandy as an after-dinner drink while dining with the British Commander the First Duke of Wellington. If you do, at best the restaurant won’t have any. At worst, the Duke’s team will think you a spy. (You just finished your last meal, Fonzie. I hope you enjoyed it.)

7 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not offer to be a Henry Kissinger-like, peace negotiator. If you do, at best you will cause uproarious laughter. At worst one side will take you up on your offer. (But the other side has decided to use you as a target for practice. Might as well put that white flag down, Forrester. It’s not going to stop 15,000 lead balls heading your way.)

6 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, as the brandy example, do not order beef Wellington at Napoleon’s staff dinner. If you do, at best they will all think they did not hear you right. At worst, someone will get the idea that it would be fun to have a dual. (Guess who has been chosen as the duelee, Fortune? Yup. Better find a second fast.)

5 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not take Emperor Napoleon’s horse for a fast getaway. If you do, at best he has a spare. At worst, the horse has been trained to return to Napoleon with a whistle. (This is a fine kettle of fish you have gotten yourself into, Francois. You can add horse thief to the charges of treason, sedition, and spy. Don’t worry though you only have one life to give.)

4 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not ask your British commander about tea time. If you do, at best he will think you are joking. At worst, he will assign you the job of going to the French lines to get a croissant to go with the tea. (I’m not surprised the French started shooting at you, Franky. Everyone knows croissants are for breakfast, not afternoon tea.)

3 If you are at the battle of Waterloo, do not try speaking French to the French to be better understood. If you do, at best you will be disappointed. At worst, your BonJour greeting will be met with a hail of bullets. (I guess it is your American accent that gets in the way, Franz. Try Spanish next time.)

2 If you are at the battle of Waterloo, do not turn your map upside down to get a different view. If you do, at best your general will get dizzy. At worst, the general will order the charge of the Scots Greys in the wrong direction. (Now you are charging alone in the right direction, Frazier. Good luck when you meet the French Chevau-légers of the line (lancers) They look pretty mean too.)

1 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not keep your souvenir stand open after the first cannon salvo. If you do, at best you will have few customers. At worst, you’ll have to take cover. (The cannonballs seem to be attracted to your stand, Freeowine. Maybe cheap trashy gifts have that effect on hot, heavy, metal balls flying through the air.)

Ten Things Not to Do on International Vegetarian and Older Person’s Day

October 1, 2018September 30, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

This is another in the series of things not to do during historical occasions. Since today is the International Day of recognition for Vegetarians and Older Persons, I thought I would make fun of these occasions. Although I only do vegetarian every other day I am 100% an older person. I hope you like it.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do on the International Day of Vegetarians and Older Persons.

10 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not wear your “Vegetarians Eat What My Food Eats,” T-shirt. If you do, at best those you meet will wonder about you. At worst, that angry-looking gang at the tofu grill might decide that you need to go somewhere else. ( I’m not sure I would fool with the one swinging the nun-chucks, Faegan. He looks serious.)

9 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ about all the rabbit food on his plate. If you do, at best he’ll not hear you. At worst, since Tiny has been a vegetarian for two hours, he might take offense to your comment. (Don’t worry, Fafner, although Tiny’s looks could kill he doesn’t plan to eat you. Yet.)

8 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not go near Whole Foods if you plan to buy your normal red meat excesses. If you do, at best security will be heightened, and you’ll make it out of the store. At worst, you will come in contact with 100 of the most militant “I’d rather eat poop than meat, activists.” (You were warned, Fain. Now, I would just drop that standing rib roast and run for the exit.)

7 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not call your vegetarian neighbor and ask to borrow a cup of ground beef. If you do, at best they will hang up. At worst, they will call the police and file a hate crime complaint against you. (You should have checked out the city ordinance against mocking vegetarians before your call, Falke. Might have made a night in jail unnecessary.)

6 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not invite all your meat-eating friends over for a tofu turkey feast. If you do, at best you are going to run out of beer. At worst, your friends will believe you have lost your mind and need an intervention. (You have to wonder who ordered delivery of ten meat pizzas and buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Farah. They are only trying to help.)

5 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not go door to door in your neighborhood handing out celery and carrot sticks to whoever answers the door. If you do, at best your neighbors will think you are ill. At worst, the SWAT team will respond to numerous calls. (Your story about gifting veggies is falling on deaf ears, Farley. I would just confess to being drunk. Might be more comfortable in the long run.)

4 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not demonstrate in front of McDonald’s. If you do, at best the patrons will want you to drop dead. At worst, the manager who is eighteen years old will hit you with his personal MACE spray supply. (You might have a lawsuit, Farouk but you need to stop crying first.)

3 On Older Person’s Day, do not try to help an older person across the street. If you do, at best you’ll get advice to go somewhere else. At worst, the person will think you are after their belongings and use that hickory cane very effectively. (You’ll be able to breathe and walk in a few minutes, Farran. Remember no good deed goes unpunished.)

2 On Older Person’s Day, do not bring up the subject of quitting driving. If you do, at best there will be another argument. At worst, your older person will take you fro a demonstration cruise in their 1998 Mercury. (Those white knuckles are well deserved, Farris. Those were some pretty close calls.)

1 On Older Person’s Day, do not make dinner reservations for eight o’clock. If you do, at best your older person will need a meal before the meal. At worst, your older person will have an extended cocktail hour and do you the favor of passing out in the Vichyssoise. (You better help, Farruco. We could have a drowning incident here.)