Category: top ten things not to do

Top Ten Things Not to Do Working on the First Transcontinental Railroad in 1869

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

More of the historical backdrop for this set of Top Ten Things Not to Do. The Top Ten Things Not to Do Working on the First Transcontinental Railroad in 1869

10. If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not forget to double-check your measurements. If you do, at best you can correct any mistakes before the East meets West. At worst, the Westbound group will be in Promontory Summit, Utah, and your Eastbound group will end up in Provo.  (You only missed the union by a few hundred miles, Ferris. Maybe you can cut over before the three-foot snows.)

9 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not borrow Tiny the WWF champ’s sledge-hammer. If you do, at best Tiny will not know you have it. At worst, Tiny has been seeking help for his inability to let things go but has not covered the part dealing with possessions. (If you can, Forest, I would sneak that hammer back into Tiny’s tent since it looks like he is in stage ten of a meltdown looking for it.)

8 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not forget your gloves. If you do, at best you might be able to buy a pair. At worst, you will be using a shovel to dig out the rail bed for twelve hours a day. (It might be a good idea to get those hands wrapped somehow, Fredrik. Otherwise, I think you may be out of a job.)

7 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not light up your cigar as you are pouring gunpowder into the blasting holes. If you do, at best the wind will save you. At worst, you will get a lesson in flight long before the Wright brothers. (That ringing in your ears means you are lucky to be here, Fakhir.)

6 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not complain about the food. If you do, at best no one will listen. At worst, the cook, who is a graduate of the Culinary Institute, has a huge knife and very tender feelings. (I think it might be time to try out those new running shoes, Flint. I don’t think an apology is going to work this time.)

5 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not decide to sleep out on the prairie even though the stars are beautiful at night. If you do, at best the mosquitoes will drive you back to camp. At worst, your slumber will be disturbed by growling noises you never heard before. (Those are wolves, Finnigan. Playing possum is to going to help. I would get up and run screaming back to camp.)

4 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, I would not try to introduce smores at the nightly campfire. If you do, at best your fellow workers won’t pay attention. At worst, you won’t have enough to go around, and the resulting riot will get you fired. (Now that you are way out here, Findlay, how you going to get back to San Francisco?)

3 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not start singing, “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.” If you do at best, you won’t remember the words and will stop. At worst, you’ll get to the part about Dina blowing her horn, and the rest of the workers will want to know who Dina is. (Looks like you have a credibility problem, Flynn. Everyone wants to meet Dina. You better figure out who is going to play Dina.)

2 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not think you can organize a union of workers. If you do, at best your boss will stop you before you get too far. At worst, the railroad company and the government will escort you off the job and on to a buckboard heading back to civilization. (I guess no one told you, Fabian, that this was going to be dangerous, unsafe, hard work, and you would only get minimum wage.)

1 If you are working on the first transcontinental railroad, do not party too hard after the last spike is driven. If you do, at best you will have a killer headache the next day. At worst, you might miss the train back to your city. (Well, Fachnan, it looks like you might be asking the local tribe of native Americans if they have room for a blood brother. Don’t be too surprised if they are less than friendly. You just finished a railroad through their land without their permission.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Crossing the Delaware with General Washington

~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

Washington Crossing the Delaware By George Caleb Bingham – http://www.chrysler.org/education/unit1/bingham.htm, Public Domain

This list continues with the historical backdrop for my brand of lunacy. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not dangle your feet in the water off the back of the boat. If you do, at best they will be numb. At worst, the General will think you have lost touch with reality. (Looks like you may be sidelined for the big event, Frasco. Although you may want to avoid the battle, your pay envelope will be much thinner.)

9 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, don’t try to sit in Tiny the WWF champ’s seat next to the General. If you do, at best you might be swimming across the Delaware. At worst, Tiny who has formed a bond with General Washington may take your move as a sign of affection for the General. (Since Tiny failed the “Unrequited Love and How to Cope,” seminar he now thinks a knuckle sandwich is an answer. Just jump out, Fredek. It will be easier in the long run.)

8 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not think wearing boat shoes from L.L.Bean will impress your fellow soldiers. If you do, at best you’ll get a new nickname. At worst, a Master Sargeant will put you on report for being out of uniform. (Of course, one more on-report isn’t going to break you, Freyr. You have come to like peeling potatoes.)

7 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not start singing “row row row your boat.” If you do, at best a few might join in. At worst, the General will single you out and threaten you with the stockade if you don’t quit making noise. (Looks like Georgie thinks you might be a British spy, Fridolf. I think quiet is the better part of this equation.)

6 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not bring your fishing equipment. If you do, at best you might catch dinner. At worst, the General will ask you to keep fishing until you have caught enough to feed the Continental Army. (Holy cow, Frygies. That is a lot of fish. We’ll come back for you.)

5 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not ask if dinner at the captain’s table is a formal affair. If you do, at best no one will understand your question. At worst, you’ll be reminded that you are on a rowboat and there is no captain’s table, and someone will hand you the flag. (You know that the flag goes in the front of the charge don’t you, Fryderyk. Yeah, that’s right, up front where all those bullets and flying cannon balls are.)

4 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not let anyone know you get seasick. If you do, at best some will be sympathetic. At worst, the old salt will continually describe in minute detail the roast pork dinner he had last night. ( If you can just hang on little longer, Francis the shore is not too far away.)

3 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not begin humming and old German tune. If you do, at best you’ll keep the volume down. At worst, since you are on your way to attacking the Hessians in Trenton, the General might think you are mocking the mission. (Washington is not sure this whole thing will work, Finn so I would lay low if I were you. That water is certainly cold.)

2 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not mention that your enlistment in the army expires at midnight. If you do, at best, you’ll get a so what? At worst, someone will take your musket and shot, and you’ll be defenseless when you reach the shore. (Better offer to reenlist, Fabian. Otherwise, you are going to be pretty uncomfortable dodging shot from both sides.)

1 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not stand up in the boat and start singing “Old Man River.” If you do, at best you’ll be ordered to sit and be quiet. At worst, you will finish your song while trying to keep your head above water. (Looks like the General has just about had enough of the stand-up comedy, Floyd. Hopefully another boat will scoop you up.)

Top Ten Things Not To Do During the French Revolution

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments
Ten Things not to do
FRANCE – JANUARY 16: Execution of Marie Antoinette on October 16, 1793, painting from that time by an unknown Danish artist. France, 18th century. (Photo by DeAgostini/Getty Images)

 

The inspiration for this list was a suggestion by Maria KethuProfumo that perhaps I could do some historical Top Ten Things Not to Do. I asked Y’all if you would enjoy such a fantasy trip and the majority said, “Yes.” So here is the first edition. Thank you, Maria, and I hope you get some visits to your beautiful blog.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do During the French Revolution

10 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your best clothes while walking on the street. If you do, at best you will be suspected of being a monarch supporter. At worst, you will be arrested, tried, convicted, and face the guillotine. (You have to admit it, Frank. These folks have no patience with cleanliness or fine clothes. Get ready for a really close shave.)

9 If you were in France during the revolution, do not accept a ride on a two-wheel wagon driven by Tiny the Revolutionary champ who just got an award for loyalty. If you do, at best you sneak off before you reach the plaza. At worst, you have a difficult time trying to convince Tiny that you are not part of the monarchy and are now trussed up like a turkey. (Those wagons are for transporting prisoners to the guillotine, Felix. What were you thinking?)

8 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your “I Love Louis XVI” pin. If you do, at best most folks will think you are joking. At worst, a mob of villagers will ensure you are no longer a threat to the revolution. (What do all these people want, Fredrick. Why do they continue to yell “Off with his head?” This is not Wonderland.)

7 If you were in France during the revolution, do not take the tour of the Bastille even if you paid in advance. If you do, at best the tour will be quick, and you’ll be out before the storming. At worst, you will be mistaken for a defender of the Bastille by the storming crowds. (I would try to remember how to use that saber, Flynn. You are not going to convince that crowd that you are a tourist.)

6 If you were in France during the revolution, do not forget to wear your Liberté, égalité, fraternité T-shirt whenever you go outside. If you do forget, at best you’ll still look like a peasant. At worst, your judgemental air will get you into court. (There doesn’t seem to be a whole bunch of innocent until proven guilty thought around this place huh, Fabio. Next stop the ultimate haircut.)

5 If you were in France during the revolution, do not wear your “I’m With Robespierre,” shirt past the expiration date. If you do, at best you’ll be reminded that he is now thought of as a traitor. At worst, you and Robespierre will become fast friends before the blade falls. ( You gotta know when to hold em and when to fold em, Federico. Don’t be a fool let Robespierre go first. Who knows a miracle could happen.”)

4 If you were in France during the revolution, do not tell folks that you really prefer cake. If you do, at best you might be looked upon as a fool. At worst, those you talk to might think you are a supporter of Marie Antoinette. ( you know exactly where this is going to lead don’t you, Finlay?)

3 If you were in France during the revolution, do not continue to joke about wanting a Napoleon for dessert. If you do, at best you might need a steak for that black eye. At worst, you might need a priest for that long walk to the guillotine. (When no one laughed the tenth time you might have gotten the hint, Finian.)

2 If you were in France during the revolution, do not continue to tell everyone how beautiful you think the Palace of Versailles is in the sunlight. If you do, at best they will be too busy to take you seriously. At worst, you and one hundred of your closest Versaille resident friends will be marched into Paris. (Another trial, Finian. This is getting tiring. The good news is this is tip the executioner free day at the guillotine.)

1 If you were in France during the revolution, do not assume the flag you are flying is that of the revolutionists. If you do, at best you picked right. At worst, your three gold fleur-de-lis on white background although beautiful will attract bullets. (Never believe a guy on the street who sold it to you, Fitz. Now you need to take cover.)

As a reminder, this is my last post until I recover from surgery.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Social Media

~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

 

The inspiration for this post was another post by award-winning author Jan Sikes. Jan was wondering out loud whether or not we were all sharing too much on our social media efforts. In a comment back and forth she suggested doing a “Top Ten Things Not to Do” post. You can see Jan’s post HERE. You should visit her blog just to take a look at the five books she has written.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do on Social Media.

10 If you are on social media, do not publish a photo of yourself making a hand gesture. If you do, at best the gesture has an innocent intent. At worst, your gesture no matter how honest is seen by others as a reason to find out where you live. (It is incredible that you have all those people on your front lawn, Espen. What do you think they are carrying torches and pitchforks?)

9 If you are on social media, do not post that you believe WWF wrestling is fake. If you do, at best Tiny the WWF champ is out of the country without access to the internet. At worst, your post pops up on Tiny’s feed. (Looking through the peephole in your door does not give you the whole view of what is about to happen, Ethan. In fact, I would back up a bit, so you are not hit by flying splinters. Better yet, run for your life.)

8 If you are on social media, do not engage in a back and forth discussion on politics with someone who has an AK 47 as a Gravatar. If you do, at best you’ll stop before going too far. At worst, your last comment which has no retort will be followed by a high-pitched tone. (That tone is the sound of an incoming rocket-propelled grenade, Eupeithes. I would take cover.)

7 If you are on social media, do not publish pictures of your dinner no matter where it is to be eaten. If you do, at best most will miss it. At worst, the two likes you receive will be indicative of how poorly ham hocks and sour kraut with a side of succotash come across in a photo. (The fact that most of your readers decided to skip their dinner will come back to haunt you, Eurystheus.)

6 If you are on social media, do not publish a GIF that blinks on and off with colorful stars and a giant pair of lips. If you do, at best at least one reader will think it is cute. At worst, you will trigger several psychological and physical events that will hold you forever libel. ( I guess you had no idea the strobe effect would cause such a reaction, Evann. The injury attorneys will find that laughable.)

5 If you are on social media, do not broadcast the fact that you are not home. If you do, at best none of your readers is a cat burglar. At worst, you’ll return home from your trip to an empty house. (Normally you are used to being alone at home, Everardo but no furniture is a bit stark.)

4 If you are on social media, do not rant about a minor inconvenience in your day. If you do, at best folks will just ignore you. At worst, you’ll get other stories that make your problem sound like a blessing. (Now don’t you feel like a dope, Evgeni. You just had to demonstrate how shallow you are didn’t you?)

3 If you are on social media, do not publish pictures of your new expensive purchases. If you do, at best your materialism will define you. At worst, those followers who have significantly less than you seem to have will drop you like a hot potato. ( I know you were happy you got that BMW, Evzen. All those folks in a ten-year-old Honda can’t help but be jealous.)

2  If you are on Social media, do not pretend to be recommending products that you like when in reality you are being paid. If you do, at best your recommendations will be ignored. At worst you will support something that doesn’t work. (Now you have an angry bunch of readers, Eric. What’s that they are saying about a class action suit?)

1 If you are on social media, don’t forget that your followers are individuals and deserve the best you have to offer. If you do forget, at best a few unfollows will wake you up. At worst, you will need to start over with a new approach. (Funny how those thousands of followers disappeared isn’t it, Edward?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Have a Sitter

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list was a discussion about Alexa and what would happen if one asked Alexa remotely to turn on the lights and music while a sitter was in the house. That was just the priming of the pump I needed to develop Ten Things.

10 If you have a sitter, do not say, “Help yourself to anything in the fridge.” If you do, at best the sitter will be on a diet. At worst, that weeks worth of shopping that you just put in the fridge will need to be replaced tomorrow. (It is amazing how someone so small can put away that kind of food huh, Eaton?)

9 If you have a sitter, do not ask Alexa to turn on the lights and music from a remote location. If you do, at best the sitter will call the police. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who was hired after the local minister said he needed a chance to be responsible, will knock out each wall with a lamp trying to protect the kids. (Well the joke is on you, Ed. Looks like your good deed did not go unpunished.)

8 If you have a sitter, do not let them invite their friends over. If you do, at best the police will be called early. At worst, you will be reading how the party that started at your house spread to a city-wide night of rampage. ( That bill for repairs looks like the national debt, Eddy.)

7 If you have a sitter, do not let them prepare dinner. If you do, at best 100% of your dishes will find their way to the sink. At worst, the fire department could not find a hydrant that worked and could only watch as your house became a vacant lot. (Lucky for you there is insurance. Oh, wait! Someone forgot to send in the premium, and the cancellation notice is in the former mailbox, Elton.)

6 If you have a sitter, do not let them use your computer. If you do, at best your data cap was reached in two hours, and now you have dial-up speed for the rest of the month. At worst, your computer picked up so many viri the tech at the computer store declared it a DOA. ( It is a shame that you never backed up that 100,000-word novel, Evander.)

5 If you have a sitter, do not let them choose a movie on pay-tv. If you do, at best they will fall asleep after only one selection. At worst, you receive your bill and note that the sitter selected twenty movies and only watched six minutes of each. (Well, Ever. The charges stick after five minutes. You never said, “Just pick one.”)

4 If you have a sitter, do not leave the liquor cabinet unlocked. If you do, at best your sitter is a teetotaler. At worst, unbeknownst to you, your sitter was just released from a twelve-step residency program. The array of bottles was just too much. (Well this is a fine mess. Not only is all your liquor gone but the sitter insists that you need to pay for another stay in the clinic. After all, Elwood. You were the one who left that temptation.)

3 If you have a sitter, do not leave your checkbook on the kitchen counter. If you, at best the pizza box will cover it. At worst, on the next statement, you’ll find that the sitter has given a self-issued generous tip. (Don’t try to find the sitter, Eadward. Russia has no extradition treaty with the US.)

2 If you have a sitter, do not tell your friends who it is. If you do, at best the sitter availability will be rare. At worst, you will be in a bidding war for the sitting service and will only quit when the sitter earns more than you. (You would like to make that kind of money wouldn’t you, Eamon?)

1 If you have a sitter, do not let your kids influence your choice. If you do, at best none of your rules will be followed. At worst, before you know it you have an additional member of the family, and now you have to get a new sitter. (At least all the kids get along, Eberhard.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have Fallen Behind on Social Media

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

 

 

The inspiration for this list came from Linda Leinen who is the author of the terrific blog Task at Hand. 

We were commenting on one of my Top Ten posts, and she wondered, “have you ever done a Top Ten Things To Do for people who are trying to get caught up online?” I indicated that I could do the reciprocal of that thought and here it is today. Thanks, Linda for the question.

Linda has had amazing experiences, and a visit to her blog will be rewarding.

Here is the list. (Anyone who might think this list is serious please be advised, it is a broad satire statement regarding our phobic belief that social media is indispensable)

10 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not make up an excuse like, “I have been so busy being successful with my new bestseller, I just haven’t had time for you little people.” If you do, at best you’ll lose a few followers. At worst, you might wake up to the sound of crickets on all your social media accounts. (Where did all those followers go Ermanno?)

9 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not panic and accept a friend request from just anyone. If you do, at best you may have a long list of people you don’t know. At worst, you might accept a friend request from Tiny the WWF champ just after his online romance fell apart. (You gotta hope the one hundred direct messages from Tiny is just a fluke for today, Ervin. Heaven knows you don’t want to unfriend him.Ever.)

8 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not think by posting more you will be back sooner. If you do, at best it will just make the problem more intense. At worst, now your followers will think you are having some kind of psychological break and will hit unfollow faster than a duck on a June bug. (Never thought more is less did you, Esbjorn?)

7 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not just delete all the comments to which you are unable to respond. If you do, at best some will not notice. At worst, a large group of followers will think you passed away and will start a go fund me campaign for a memorial. (That is if you are well-liked, Eskil. More than likely there will be a host of unfollows)

6 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not check yourself into a treatment center. If you do, at best you’ll be discharged immediately as a nothing wrong here person. At worst, you’ll inadvertently make up some mental problem which will take ten weeks of group therapy before you are set free. (That will teach you to run away from your problems, Este. Now what?)

5 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not run away to a cabin in the woods. If you do, at best you’ll aggravate the bears. At worst, while you are off the grid, a new social media form will be invented and when you return you will be hopelessly behind this one as well. (Ever hear of Moore’s Law, Eumaeus. You are now in the dark ages.)

4 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not attempt to compensate by eating ice cream. If you do, at best the time spent eating gets you further back. At worst, your ice cream bill and your extra pounds go up in equal proportions. (It doesn’t help to eat ice cream while you are on a stationary bike, Eurypylus.)

3 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not call the suicide hotline. If you do, at best they will hang up. At worst, you’ll get someone who has a difficult time understanding the severe nature of your angst and will start cracking jokes about your condition. (You have to admit, Eustis. Your problem is pretty minor compared to that of other folks.)

2 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not place a 911 call for help. If you do, at best the line will be busy. At worst, the officers dispatched to your house will hand you a citation for a false emergency. (Of course, Everard there could be a minor miracle where one of the officers is behind in social media as well. If so you are saved.)

1 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not think all those busy folks who stay current with you are going to simply ignore your faux pas. If you do, at best you will experience the sound of silence. At worst, you will have to curry forgiveness by inventing an excuse that is ironclad. (The only reason that is not debatable as to its harmful interference with your social media obligations is to tell everyone you are recovering from brain surgery. Of course, Evyn you can’t fall behind again.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Reading a Book

~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

Top Ten

 

 

The inspiration for this list came to me while traveling. I was watching several people reading books and doing other things. It struck me that there are several things that one should not do while reading a book. I hope you enjoy this list.

10 If you are reading a book, do not drive a car. If you do, at best you may lose your place when you drop the book to avoid an accident. At worst, you may lose the book when you end upside down in a culvert. (Didn’t see that curve while you were wrapped up in the murder scene huh, Esau?)

9 If you are reading a book, do not walk in heavy pedestrian traffic. If you do, at best you’ll avoid getting knocked down. At worse, you will run into Tiny the WWF champ as he is leaving his tactile psychosis support group. (Hard to believe someone has such a problem with being touched. I don’t think offering Tiny the book will offset his reaction, Efrain. Maybe running is a better choice.)

8 If you are reading a book, do not sip hot coffee without taking your eyes off the book. If you do, at best you’ll only spill a drop. At worst, you might miss your mouth and feel the joy of 180-degree liquid on your chest. ( Lucky for you your lap was under the table, Eloi.)

7 If you are reading a book, do not step onto an elevator. If you do, at best there is room for you. At worst, the elevator is packed with members of the NFL bargaining unit members, and they just lost a bargaining point to the owners. (Kind of shocking they wouldn’t make room for a dweeb with a book, Ealdun. Lucky for you your foot didn’t get stuck in the door.)

6 If you are reading a book, do not eat pasta marinara. If you do, at best your book is on Kindle, and the screen is cleanable. At worst, you are reading the first edition of War and Peace which you borrowed from the Library of Congress. (Looks like destroying a national treasure carries a significant penalty, Eban. Maybe A fishing trip to Canada is in order.)

5 If you are reading a book, do not operate machinery. If you do, at best the mechanism doesn’t have spinning blades. At worst, your machine is designed to chop a twelve-ton block of steel into one-inch pieces. (You might want to put that book down, Ebo. It looks like the feeding phase inadvertently has your shirt tangled with the twelve-ton block of steel.)

4 If you are reading a book, do not continue your free fall while skydiving. If you do, at best the exciting part will end in time for the ripcord pull. At worst, you are at the part in the book where the detective is about to expose the identity of the murderer. (Only two more pages and you’ll know, Edoardo. Too bad the ground is there in one.)

3 If you are reading a book, do not take the black five diamond downhill ski course. If you do, at best a ski patrol member will be close. At worst, your fall and roll was the beginning of the giant snowball that crashed into the lodge through the huge dining room floor to ceiling window. (Lucky you survived, Eero. Now the hotel management would like to know if you want to put the $50,000 window on your room tab.)

2 If you are reading a book, do not shoot the curl of a gigantic wave off the coast of Hawaii. If you do, at best your wipeout will be well offshore. At worst, you will ride the wave entirely distracted until you land on the shore. (Just how hard did you hit the sand, Egon? We sure hope you can get out of that ten-foot deep crater. Give Egan a hand for that unorthodox landing, folks)

1 If you are reading a book, do not continue to compete in the world airplane aerobatics competition. If you do, at best you might miss a loop. At worst, you may lose your orientation and think up is down and down is up. (Time to put the book down, Ekon. If you are quick, you just may pull out of this dive before dropping below the horizon. It is very hard below that horizon.)

Top Ten Things Not To Do Out of Town if You Are An Author

~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

Top Ten not to do

 

The inspiration for this list was a trip to Phoenix Arizona this weekend to attend the birthday party of my best friend.

10 If you are an author out-of-town, do not try to keep up with your e-mails. If you do, at best in your haste you’ll trash many e-mails that you want to read. At worst, you will delete your entire e-mail account including the copy of the publishing contract and acceptance letter from Simon & Schuster. (They wanted to hear from you in a week, Eduardo. Oh well, maybe the next book.)

9 If you are an author out-of-town, do not think Tiny the WWF champ is going to excuse you taking all the armrest space on the flight as you work on the next draft of your book on your computer. If you do, at best you may lose the feeling in that arm. At worst, the plane will be diverted to an alternate airport as the Air Marshals attempt to subdue Tiny who keeps yelling something about “limb from limb.” (You never knew Tiny had such an uneasy feeling about an arm in his face did you, Ellis?)

8 If you are an author out-of-town, do not start reading the hijack scene from your book during your flight. If you do at best, your whisper will be unheard. At worst, some well-meaning passenger will have you in a hammerlock before you can explain. ( I think it was the part about “this plane is under control of the Taliban empire that got the guy upset don’t you, Esteban?)

7 If you are an author out-of-town, do not try your latest dialog on a fellow bar patron. If you do, at best you will be met with stony silence. At worst, the patron will think you are handing out a pick-up line and your face might be met with the business end of a gin and tonic. (Wow that was a surprise, huh Emilio? I think the bouncer is headed your way.)

6 If you are an author out-of-town, do not think you can openly try to explain your next book to a hapless passenger waiting for a flight in the terminal. If you do, at best you might recognize the eye glaze in enough time to avert embarrassment. At worst, You will have gone one step over the line and your victim will be anxiously trying to get the attention of the security folks. (Looks like the story might need a bit of rework, Edison.)

5 If you are an author out-of-town, do not try to place a few of your books on the airport newsstand in the terminal next to a famous author. If you do, at best they won’t get tossed. At worst, the customer who picks up one of your books suddenly discovers they meant to get the famous author and now demands their money back. (It seems they are quite vocal, Eliot. The clerk cannot find the stock number in the register and the security is headed this way.)

4 If you are an author out-of-town, do not try to crash another author’s signing just because you don’t think anyone will recognize you. If you do, at best you will be asked to leave quietly. At worst, your next door neighbor just happens to walk in and wonders loudly why you are there. (Looks like the author has noticed you there in the back of the room, Ewan. Looks like he is not pleased and maybe you should have not picked an ex SEAL’s party to crash.)

3 If you are an author out-of-town, do not try to create a new story out of the location of your stay if it is a commonplace. If you do, at best it will be a dead-end story. At worst, once the story is finished you will realize how boring the location really is. (Would have been nice to discover this earlier huh, Elgin.)

2 If you are an author out-of-town, don’t think you have to write every sight and conversation in your notebook. If you do, at best you will miss a real experience. At worst, the guy you have been profiling might suddenly catch on. ( You have awakened a sleeping giant, Egan. Too bad the giant is in a witness protection program due to testifying against a mob boss and thinks you made him.)

1 If you are an author out-of-town, do not miss your flight while trying to get that last paragraph critical to your story written. If you do, at best there is another flight in an hour. At worst, you just missed the last flight and now must spent the night in the terminal. (Looks like the only spot to sleep is the floor, Errol.  I don’t like the looks of that guy in the hoodie. Do you?)

Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Puppy Owner

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

 

Twiggy

The inspiration for this post has been a month of puppy raising.

10 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “Is that a new puppy?” If you do, at best you will get a, “yes.” At worst, the owner will wonder if you lost your mind and answer, “no it is an old puppy.” (I think you could have guessed there have been some long nights, Eberhardt.)

9 If you meet a puppy owner whose name is Tiny, do not say, “What kind of horse is that?” If you do, at best Tiny the WWF champ will think you are kidding. At worst, Tiny just left the vet’s office with strict instructions to cut back on the amount of food he is feeding his Great Dane Puppy. (We all know you didn’t mean to hit a sore spot, Ede. The knowledge is not going to help sooth that pain though, so running is definitely in the cards right now.)

8 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “Your arms look like you’ve been using.” If you do, at best the owner will laugh at the statement. At worst, you’ll be handed the puppy so you can experience the joy of those needle-like teeth for yourself. (One way to get a puppy to release is to offer a chew toy, Edwaldo. Oh, you don’t have a chew toy? Next stop the ER.)

7 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “How much did that puppy cost?” If you do, at best the owner will ignore you. At worst, you will have to be patient as the owner details all the expenses so far. ( It has been ten minutes, Efrem and now it looks like you are going to miss your bus. Aren’t you glad you asked?)

6 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “Is that a purebred?” If you do, at best no one cares. At worst, you will have touched on the one item on which the owners violently disagree. (How were you to know these two were on the verge of a breakup over the question of pure breed or not, Ekewaka. Well, it looks like the whole argument has flared again. Best to quietly walk away.)

5 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “How are you adjusting?” If you do, at best you’ll get a stiff upper lip response with no detail. At worst, your question triggered a very loud and tear-filled explanation on how hard it has been. (Even though you are not totally comfortable, Elden letting this person sob on your shoulder is the right thing to do. I would tell those people they can move on and quit gawking.)

4 If you meet puppy owner, do not ask, “Is your puppy house trained yet?” If you do, at best the owner has no concerns about house training. At worse you might have to listen to a lecture on the psychological damage owners inflict on poor puppies expecting house training too early. (Well, I guess it isn’t going well, Elhanan. What is your guess?)

3 If you meet a puppy owner, do not ask, “Which is easier Puppies or kids?” If you do, at best the owner will be honest and say “kids.”. At worst, you’ll get a stink eye from hell and a request to step aside. ( Looks like both jobs are a problem, Elisha. I would step aside before someone gets hurt. Namely you.)

2 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say, “Why did you pick that name?” If you do, at best the owner will assume you are not being critical. At worst, the owner will think you are questioning the choice and go to extremes to make the name choice seem plausible. (I think the owner believes everyone names their puppy Little Poop, Ellen. I, like you, wanted more information about that choice. Oh well, maybe next time.)

1 If you meet a puppy owner, do not say,  “What made you get a puppy?” If you do at best, you’ll get a heartwarming story. At worst, after the crying stops, you will feel sorry for the owner and the puppy and are now the proud owner of a new puppy. (I have to say, Elmore that puppy is better off with you.)