Category: top ten things not to do

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Golf Cart

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments

Golf Cart

 

The golf cart is a primary transportation device here in Port Aransas. The inspiration for this post is watching countless tourists rent a golf cart and then exhibit some unusual behavior which would never be seen otherwise. I hope you enjoy it. Oh and another thing, I am innocent of any of these practices.

10 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the safety belts are there as a bit of humor. If you do, at best you’ll get a $150.00 ticket. At worst, you will find yourself outside the cart at the first bump. (You didn’t think nineteen miles per hour could cause you to pitch out onto the street right, Chadwick?)

9 If you are on a golf cart, do not expect Tiny the WWF champ who has just left his weight training class to yield to you. If you do, at best you will miss each other in the middle of the street. At worst, Tiny will stop your cart and then show you how he can press the hardware and you. (Watch that trip down when Tiny drops the whole mess on the street, Chalmar.)

8 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can ignore the traffic rules. If you do, at best you’ll get a warning. At worst, you and the cart will be under arrest. (You gotta envy the fact that the cart gets to stay outside the jail don’t you, Chas?)

7 If you are on a golf cart, do not try a turn at full speed. If you do, at best you may blow a tire. At worst, as you take the curve on two wheels all your belongings and half your family will be dumped on the street. (You will have a tough time explaining your maneuver to those in the emergency room, Chauncy.)

6 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can go twenty miles an hour under the speed limit on the main road. If you do, at best you’ll realize soon you need to get off. At worst, an irate driver will help you along with little concern for your welfare. (You didn’t know a golf cart being pushed by an eighteen wheeler could go that fast did you, Chetwin? Also, you didn’t have that white hair before did you?)

5 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can carry more people than the number of places to sit. If you do, at best the golf cart won’t have enough power to move. At worst, you will lose a couple of the standing room only passengers on the first turn. (You say one of those thrown into a cactus patch was your boss, Clemens?)

4 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have the right of way because you are smaller. If you do, at best you’ll just get an air horn warning. At worst, you will be trying to return a flattened golf cart. (The proprietor doesn’t have much of a sense of humor does he, Clovis?)

3 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the police will ignore drinking and driving. If you do, at best your friends won’t let you drive. At worst, you’ll try to explain to the officer why you think a golf cart is just a toy. (Looks like the punishment is the same as a car, Cowen. Hope you have a spare $15,000.)

2 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to wave to everyone you pass. If you do, at best you’ll be taken as an idiot. At worst, people will think you are a politician and will chase you off the beach. (Oh, you are running for office, Creighton. I would move off the beach fast.)

1 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to display a number of flags. If you do, at best folks will think you work for the circus. At worst, all that flapping in the wind will slow you down and make you lose your hearing. (You think that “It’s five o’clock somewhere” flag is unique don’t you, Cydney?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Decorating the House for the Holidays

~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

The inspiration for this list came naturally from having decorated a number of houses over the years. I guess I could be guilty of some of these, but not all. I hope you enjoy.

10 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not ignore the number of lights on a continuous string instruction on the lights. If you do, at best you will trip a circuit breaker. At worst, you may take down the Eastern seaboard grid. (Who’s going to pay that bill, Caelan? Don’t forget the lawsuits that range anywhere from unwanted pregnancy to being trapped in an elevator.)

9 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not hire unlicensed contractors especially if they are named Tiny the WWF champ who just got out of confined anger management care. If you do, at best you may get off with a broken window or two. At worst, you may find your lights wadded in a ball in your neighbors living room. (How were you to know your neighbor would yell at Tiny and tell him to turn down the rap music, Cane? Also, how would you know Tiny would jump through your neighbor’s roof and take out a floor and ceiling on his way to the living room. The big question to be answered now is where is Tiny and your neighbor?)

8 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use the twenty-four-foot ladder to reach the peak of the roof. If you do, at best you’ll be stopped by someone who loves you. At worst, you’ll plant that corner star just before your free fall to eternity. (Man. that was a mammoth first step down, wasn’t it Calder?)

7 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think all garland is alike. If you do, at best you’ll have a mismatched mess. At worst, just as you finish with the final strand and just before frostbite sets in you will be told to change it. (You had the courage to go up on that ladder once huh, Caly? How about now?)

6 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think you must out decorate your neighbor. If you do, at best you’ll end up spending too much money. At worst your neighbor increased his light and display capability last year when all the decorations were seventy percent off. (He has way too much stuff for you to finish on top, Carlton. You may take a lesson and wait for the sale and catch him next year.”

5 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not think everyone in the neighborhood likes all green lights. If you do, at best there will be no comments. At worst, you will find a picture of your house on Facebook with the caption, “The most non-original decoration on the planet.” (Kinda hurts your feelings doesn’t it, Cartland? Green is your favorite color.)

4 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to fasten the decorations well. If you do, at best there will be no wind. At worst, your decorations will be at the mercy of the nighttime winter winds. (It is no problem collecting your lights from the next door neighbor, right Chadwick?)

3 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not forget to double-check the timer. If you do at best, the lights will come on too early. At worst, the lights will come on at the right time but burn throughout the night (What would be even worse is they come on at six am and go off at six pm, Chas.)

2 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not use blow-up lawn decorations. If you do, at best they look like piles of plastic during the day. At worse the blow up machine could get a short and your blow-up decoration looks like an entry in the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. (Whoever thought Rudolf could get that big just before he exploded, Clemens?)

1 If you are decorating your house for the holidays, do not have Holiday music on an outdoor speaker. If you do, at best your neighbors will complain. At worst, you unknowingly violated the town noise ordinance. (Not a good idea to tell the SWAT team to get off your property, Cleveland. Too bad about that new storm door.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Thanksgiving

~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

Thanksgiving

The inspiration for this list is the fact that this week is Thanksgiving here in the US. There have been a number of Thanksgiving situations which I personally witnessed, and I thought it would be fun to capture them and provide ample warning for your occasion this year. If you have ever done any of these things, it might be a nice change to sit back and let others have center stage this year.

10 On Thanksgiving, do not try to prepare the perfect Turkey. If you do, at best you’ll have reason to dry. At worst, not only is this year’s turkey not perfect, it is the worst one ever. (Nothing like eating what resembles dry balsa wood huh, Chandler?)

9 On Thanksgiving, do not invite your cousin Tiny the WWF wrestling champ to your house for dinner. If you do, at best you’ll possibly get by with only a broken dining room chair. At worst, Tiny and your uncle Jim will continue the feud begun last year’s Thanksgiving dinner. (Who is going to clean up what looks like a movie bar fight scene in your living room, Cohen? Not to mention reviving Aunt Helen.)

8 On Thanksgiving, do not try out that experimental stuffing recipe on the family. If you do, at best you’ll have plenty left over. At worst, the family will feel cheated out of a traditional dinner. (Who started the food fight is not a question that needs an answer right now, Canyon. It is probably more important to get that stuff off the walls before it hardens.)

7 On Thanksgiving, do not think you can deep-fry your Turkey in the kitchen. If you do, at best your place will smell like an oil derrick for a month. At worst, the fire department will declare what’s left of your house and lot a hazardous waste site.(Who is going to cover the EPA bill for clean-up, Channing?)

6 On Thanksgiving, do not think it is a good idea to start serving mimosas at eleven o’clock. If you do, at best you’ll run out of Champaign before everyone is blitzed. At worse all your guests have lost interest in the dinner and are out in the yard trying to work off the Champaign with touch football. (Don’t worry, Cortez. Sooner or later they will be back for the leftovers.)

5 On Thanksgiving, do not try some unnatural seating configuration thinking it will liven the conversation. If you do, at best you won’t seat sworn enemies next to each other. At worst, since you now have strangers all having to talk to strangers the sound of crickets is deafening.(That magazine suggestion doesn’t seem all that good right now does it, Cord?)

4 On Thanksgiving, do not think everyone in the world would enjoy a tofu turkey. If you do, at best the polite ones will give it a try. At worst, you will wonder why all your guests are on the phone ordering Dominoes delivery. (The fact that you were looking out for everyone’s health doesn’t seem worthwhile now, Cable.)

3 On Thanksgiving, do not think because you hate pumpkin pie, everyone else does as well. If you do, at best your banana creme will be well received. At worst, the traditionalists will find an excuse to leave early so they can pick up a frozen Mrs. Smith’s pumpkin pie. (Hare to believe you only have one guest remaining isn’t it, Cacey?)

2 On Thanksgiving, do not think sharing leftovers is not expected. If you do, at best you’ll get some strange looks as people leave. At worst, your loudest relative will ask out loud, What? No leftovers to take home? (Maybe you should have put together some to go containers, Cadell. Well there is always next year if any return.)

1 On Thanksgiving, do not think you can turn off the football game. If you do, at best you’ll have some complaints. At worst, you will discover most of the guests in your bedroom watching the game anyway. (It is shocking that people want to watch a game even if it is the two worst teams playing. Right, Cadell?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Playing Board Games

~ John W. Howell ~ 81 Comments

Ten Things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list is the approaching holidays where families all gather around and play a board game or two. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 If you are playing a board game, do not insist on using the same token as last year. If you d,  at best, you will be teased for being a stick in the mud. At worst, you’ll have to sit out the game since your older brother already laid claim to the piece. (You believe he did that on purpose don’t you, Chester?)

9 If you are playing a board gamed, not argue with  Tiny the WWF champ who is spending the holidays at your house as part of a prison holiday release program, when he lays down a scrabble word XXZZWMP. If you do, at best you’ll need to leave the game. At worst, you’ll need to find some ice for that black eye. (Mama said not to argue with Tiny didn’t she, Conor?)

8 If you are playing a board game, do not think by getting monopolies on all the properties you will win. If you do, at best no one will have money left. At worst, you could be the cause of your unemployed brother-in-law to go off the deep end. (Maybe you should have let him have a few wins Collin. You need to talk him down off the roof.)

7 If you are playing a board game, do not start belly aching if you must go to jail. If you do, at best the other players will make fun of you. At worst, you will cause everyone to decide to do something different. (Not much fun playing the game alone is it, Cyrus?)

6 If you are playing a board game, do not try to mark the career cards so you can pick the best career. If you do, at best you might get caught. At worse, even if you cheat you lose anyway. (How does this happen, Chance? With a name like yours you could have just played the game.)

6 If you are playing a board game, do not shout out who killed Mr. Boddy of Tudor Mansion until all the clues are exposed. If you do, at best the game is over. At worst, you will be eating Thanksgiving dinner outside on the porch. (Kind of chilly here in Minnesota at Thanksgiving huh, Cecil?)

5 If you are playing a board game, do not set that BIG GULP cup too close to the game. If you do, at best the condensation off the cup may get some money wet. At worst, an excited player will inadvertently tip the cup over. (Guess where all that soda went, Cormac? Yup that’s right the tsunami of Coke and ice wiped the game out and FEMA doesn’t want to hear about it.)

4 If you are playing a board game, do not think you have to play until there is a clear winner. If you do at best, it will be hours. At worst, the game could go on for the entire weekend. ( you planned on doing other things, didn’t you Crispin? Like take a shower.)

3 If you are playing a board game, do not slip from reality. If you do, at best others will notice. At worst, you will need to decompress once the game is over. (Your psychologist is not available on Sundays, Carlin. You need to lay down.)

2 If you are playing a board game, do not try to confuse your fellow players with some off the wall move. If you do, at best you will be reminded to stick to the rules. At worst, you off the wall move will backfire and you’ll lose all your gold. (Now what are you going to use for food huh, Chase? Beginning to feel the specter of starvation aren’t you? What was that about reality?)

1 If you are playing a board game, do not think the rest of the players don’t notice your extra helpings of $100.00 bills as you do your banking duties. If you do, at best you’ll be asked to return the bills. At worst you will be formally banned from the family games and turned over to the justice department for bank fraud. (Okay so the justice department is not interested, Curt. It is still mighty embarrassing.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Halloween Costume.

~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

Ten things not to do in your Halloween costume

 

The inspiration for this list was seeing a guy out in public in a Halloween costume. It struck me that he was unaware of the stares and reaction of those around him. Hope you enjoy.

10 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go into the bank to make a withdrawal. If you do, at best some will stare. At worst the teller will not look at your withdrawal slip but assume you are holding up the bank. (That zombie makeup had her rattled, Donald. Too bad the SWAT team had no sense of humor.)

9 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not think you have the same powers as the superhero you are dressed to be. If you do, at best you’ll hurt yourself. At worst you will think you can take on Tiny the WWF champ who is in step two of his anger management treatment. (Look like that cape is not going to save you, Dorian. I would just go limp, and maybe Tiny will think you are dead.)

8 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go shopping at the grocery store. If you do, at best you will have the aisles to yourself. At worst, the store manager will insist that you leave since most of his employees have locked themselves in the lounge and refused to come out. (It could be that the hatchet embedded in your skull looks too real, Dex.)

7 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go through the fast food drive-through. If you do, at best you may be wearing a chocolate milkshake. At worst, the panicked employee will call 911 and drop your food outside the window. (The police are understanding, but you still have no food, Dante.)

6 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not think you can attend the Saturday night church service. If you do, at best you’ll have a pew all to yourself. At worst, the minister will continually point in your direction when he comes to the phrase, “Devil worship.” ( You didn’t realize Halloween is not a big thing in your church huh, Dacey?)

5 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not keep your doctor’s appointment. If you do, at best you will empty the waiting room. At worst, your doctor will assume you have had a massive mental breakdown and will call the county home for a pickup. (The clown  makeup and white straight jacket is quite a look, Dagwood.)

4 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not drive on the freeway. If you do, at best you’ll get some weird looks. At worst you will shock the fragile person in the vehicle next to you, and they will turn into your car as a defensive move. (The cop insists it’s your fault for scaring the wimp next to you, Dalbert.)

3 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go next door to borrow a cup of sugar. If you do, at best you won’t get the sugar. At worst, your NRA member next door neighbor will not recognize you and will only quit shooting when you dive into your house. (What would have happened if your neighbor was a good shot, Damek?)

2 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not exceed the speed limit. If you do, at best you’ll get home without incident. At worst, you’ll be pulled over and after all is said and done, lying on the street with your hands cuffed behind your back. (Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to dress as Pretty Boy Floyd after all. Although you have to admit that Tommy gun sure looked real, Dareau.)

1 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go through the TSA security screen at the airport. If you do, at best you will be denied boarding. At worst, the private search that turned up the sword, flintlock pistols, and the grog will be enough to charge you with terrorism. (The pirate idea sounded good at home, Dartagnan. In the airport? Not so much.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Before You’ve Had Your Coffee

~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

Coffee

 

The inspiration for this list came from the various and sundry things that needed to be done to begin to get back to normal after Hurricane Harvey. I haven’t done any of these, but it was fun pretending and I would certainly have some coffee before trying.

10 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not meet with a FEMA representative. If you do, at best you’ll have to excuse your behavior. At worst, the US marshalls will call in reinforcements to help extricate you from the room. (Who would have thought that raising your voice would have caused that reaction, Baltazar?)

9 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not call your cable provider to request service. If you do, at best you’ll be on hold for an hour. At worst you’ll get to talk to Tiny the WWF champ who just got released from his sociopath support group. (The two of you are having an excellent debate. Why is it he keeps wanting to know where you live, Banjo?)

8 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not take your car in for service. If you do, at best they will honor your appointment time. At worst, you’ll sit in the lounge for an hour trying to avoid being stepped on by two hyperactive toddlers. (They have already apologized for the fact the coffee machine is out-of-order. You might as well try to relax and for heaven’s sake quit thinking about that letter you plan to write to the CEO of the service company, Barnaby.)

7 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not visit the license bureau to renew your driver’s license. If you do, at best you’ll get a low number for service. At worst, you have pulled number 208, and they are now serving number four. (The drive through at McDonald’s wait now looks like a breeze compared to this huh, Beaudoin?)

6 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not visit the bank to ask for a loan. If you do, at best it is a bank holiday. At worst, you will finally admit that you really need the money and will, therefore, be denied the loan. Too bad your decaf state caused you to forget the rule about “those who have gets,” Bellamy.)

5 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not meet with your boss to talk about your career. If you do, at best your boss caught the flu and is out sick today. At worst, your discussion could have taken a nasty turn when your boss suggested you need some additional training. (If you had some caffeine, Benjamin maybe you would not have pounded on the bosses desk causing security to escort you to the parking lot. Tomorrow ought to be interesting.)

4 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to complete that delicate experiment with the new product at work. If you do, at best you’ll come to your senses. At worst, you are now in a position of being responsible for a complete redo. (You were sure your shaking hands would not be a factor right, Bennet?)

3 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to write that breakthrough chapter on your book. If you do, at best you and the keyboard will have a staring contest. At worst, you will forge ahead and write what you think is the best stuff you have ever done. (Really tough to file 13 all those words isn’t it Bodee?)

2 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not read that last two-star review. If you do, at best you’ll be diverted by a natural disaster. At worst, even though some of the points may be well taken, you vow out loud to hunt the person down and hit them with a poison dart. (Sure it’s the lack of caffeine talking, but you are scaring the kids, Braddock.)

1 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to create that meaningful post that you hope everyone will love. If you do, at best, the typos will kill you. At worst, only after you have posted and read what you have written do you see the similarity to the Unibomber manifesto. (Good luck getting that one canceled off all the social media sites, Brayden.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Tailgating at a Football Game.

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Tailgating

The inspiration for this list is the return of the American football season. The college schedule is in full swing and here are a few things to avoid this year.

10 If you are tailgating, do not set out an overstuffed couch. If you do, at best folks will think you are so seventies. At worst, someone may get confused and believe that they are in Morgantown West Virginia and set fire to it. (You thought it was going to be a statement of elegance didn’t you, Baltizar?)

9 If you are tailgating, do not think a candelabra belongs in a stadium parking lot. If you do, at best your fellow tailgaters will take you for an effete intellectual snob. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who has been mourning the passing of Liberace will believe you mean for him to join your party. (A sad, drunk Tiny is not a pretty picture is it, Barnaby?)

8 If you are tailgating, do not set up a beer pong table. If you do, at best you might attract the wrong crowd. At worst, that young person who has been playing so well is carded by the police. (Nice to know you are now charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor huh, Barrington?)

7 If you are tailgating, do not think yours is going to be the best grill in the lot. If you do, at best the one next door is better. At worst, your grill does not even rank in the top one hundred. (CNN wants to interview you for a feature named “The Biggest Grill Losers.” Time to pack up, Beauregard)

6 If you are tailgating, do not think your propane tank is full without checking. If you do, at best you give new meaning to medium rare. At worst, no one in the lot will be willing to loan you their propane tank. (Everyone you ask gives you that “Get away from me look right, Bennet?)

5 If you are tailgating, do not forget your portable satellite antenna. If you do, at best you’ll have to attend the game. At worst, you may get caught trying to tap into the antenna cable next door. (You thought it would be a quick splice and done. How’s that black eye feeling, Bixby?)

4 If you are tailgating, do not run out of your favorite beverage. If you do, at best you’ll have water. At worst, trying to borrow a cup of beer from your neighbors will be met with scorn. (Who knew everyone would turn their back on you, Bronson?)

3 If you are tailgating, do not forget to wear your team colors. If you do, at best everyone will assume you are a guest. At worst, those around you who are in favor of one team will think you are in favor of the other. (No use trying to explain that you love their team, Byron.)

2 If you are tailgating, do not serve petits-fours to your guests. At best they will claim to be full. At worst, you see them at another tailgate gorging themselves on chili and polish sausage. (You have to remember where you are, Baldwin.)

1 If you are tailgating, do not over serve yourself. If you do, at best you can über home. At worst, you’ll have to ask your partner to drive home. (How many lectures will it take so you never do that again, Barnabas?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do After a Hurricane Hits Your House

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

10 If a hurricane hits your house, do not start a Go Fund Me campaign. If you do, at best you’ll look like a privateer. At worst, you may not collect anything but some old Chucky Cheese tokens. ( Made you feel better for a day huh, Boewolf?)

9 If a hurricane hits your house, do not rush into the community to see how things are. If you do, at best you won’t be allowed in. At worst, you will get in and then need to be rescued. ( You thought the rain was over didn’t you, Berton?)

8 If a hurricane hits your house and you are allowed to visit, do not plan to stay the night. If you do, at best the police will ask you to leave. At worst, you’ll try to sleep in temperatures above ninety degrees. (You now know what a pig on a spit feels like don’t you, Blaze.)

7 If a hurricane hits your house, do not listen to fast talking con artists. If you do, at best you just say no. At worst, you authorize some repairs and hand over a down payment. (That was the last time you saw your best friend, right, Boswell?)

6 If a hurricane hits your house, do not try to turn on the water and electricity yourself. If you do, at best there will be no leaks. At worst, the broken main flooded the electrical box, and your house burned to the ground. (Gee, Branan. Maybe that plumber and electrician might have been cheaper than DYI.)

5 If a hurricane hits your house, do not open your refrigerator while alone. If you do, at best stand up wind. At worst, you could be overcome by the smell and need to be evacuated. (Shoulda thought about removing that food when you left, Brick.)

4 If a hurricane hits your house, do not drink the water until advised. If you do, at best you’ll survive. At worst, you will get amoebic dysentery. (You will survive, Bren it’s just you’ll pray you won’t.)

3 If a hurricane hits your house, do not violate the curfew. If you do, at best you’ll need to be quiet and not turn on a flashlight. At worst, the police will think you are a looter. (not very comfortable dodging bullets in your own home is it, Bryson?)

2 If a hurricane hits your house, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ to help you remove debris. If you do, at best you’ll have to feed him. At worst, he won’t know the difference between debris and the good stuff. (You were almost positive that west wall was okay before Tiny started working right, Byron?)

1 If a hurricane hits your house, do not delay filing all the forms. If you do, at best you will be at the bottom of the list.  At worst, all the funding will be gone, and you will be left without help. (Seems like your distaste for forms has finally caught up with you, Brogan.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Faced With Back to School

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

Back to School

 

The inspiration for this list came from years and years of back to school events. Now that all the kids are no longer in school, I can list out things with a degree of objectivity.

10 If you are faced with back to school, do not buy any clothes without checking with your child first. If you do, at best several items will go unused. At worst, your child will suffer from PTSD (Post Teasing Stress Disorder) and refuse to leave the bedroom. (It seems those Sponge Bob Square Pant shirts you bought at the rummage sale were in the sale for a reason, Buster.)

9 If you are faced with back to school, do not do a celebratory dance as you sprint from the bus stop. If you do, at best your child won’t see you. At worst, you will have to explain your actions to your child and the rest of the parents of the kids on bus 23. (Okay so the NFL now allows dignified celebrations but doing the chicken dance as the bus pulled away caught you a penalty flag, Bosco)

8 If you are faced with back to school, do not accompany your child to class. If you do, at best you will be asked to leave. At worst you might be mistaken for an intruder and the subject of a lock down and SWAT interdiction. (That taser clears the sinus up right beautiful huh, Bart?)

7 If you are faced with back to school, do not stuff the backpack as if your child is going on safari. If you do, at best most of the things will be abandoned. At worst, your child won’t be able to navigate the stairs and Child Protective Services will pay you a visit. (Sure you are a survivalist, Bubba but the hatchet, matches, Coleman lantern, and Bowie knife are all forbidden.)

6 If you are faced with back to school, do not visit the school cafeteria to request a special diet for your youngster. If you do, at best you’ll decide to pack the lunch. At worst, you might be asked to volunteer as a lunchroom monitor. (Monitoring the lunchroom has all the glory of a prison guard position, Buford.)

5 If you are faced with back to school, do not ignore the crossing guard. If you do, at best you’ll embarrass your child. At worst, you will offend Tiny the WWF champ who has just finished his crossing guard training. (Looks like Tiny has you by the ankle and you are upside down huh, Bearle?)

4 If you are faced with back to school, do not put cute notes in your child’s lunch. If you do, at best your child will be the only one seeing them. At worst, a note may fall into the hands of the class clown and the embarrass factor will go on overload. (The words were okay, Bernie but those cartoons were a bit much. That one of the teachers went over well in the Vice Principle’s office.)

3 If you are faced with back to school, do not try to force your child to participate in activities that you think would be fun. If you do, at best the fit won’t be right. At worst, your child will rebel and go out for something like between building tight rope walking. (Should have left it alone, Bunky. Don’t look up)

2 If you are faced with back to school, do not think you know best on school supplies and stock up before the school list is published. If you do, at best you will need to buy more. At worst, those composition notebooks like the kind you used in school might become useful when your child starts college. So, Bevis, just store them for the next thirteen years.)

1 If you are faced with back to school, do not burden your child with your angst about separation. If you do, at best your child may be forced to worry about you. At worst, you could foster guilt in your child that could prevent them from taking advantage of the opportunity to move forward and learn new things. (So get over yourself Putz and show some excitement about the future.)

 

Ten Things Not to Do Holding Up a Bank

~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

Bank robbery

The inspiration for this list came out of a conversation I had with Charles Yallowitz. He was mentioning a character named Frank who was not very good at bank hold ups. I thought maybe I would bring Frank back at some point and decided to give him some help should he want to get back in the bank hold up business.  Also, it was fun to imagine holding up a bank. I hope you like the list and for all law enforcement folks out there, this is fiction.

10 If you are holding up a bank, do not hand the teller a note written on the back of one of you check book deposit slips, If you do, at best you need to get the slip back. At worst, the all points bulletin will include your name, address, phone number, and the current balance of your account.(Interesting situation having a sheriff car waiting in your driveway huh, Buford?)

9 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to convince the teller your banana is a gun. If you do, at best you will be laughed out of the bank. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who has just graduated from security school and desperately wants to try his new taser is on duty. (Looks like you will be laying on the floor twitching for a while, Tex)

8 If you are holding up a bank, do not use foul language as part of the process. If you do, at best one of the customers is your fifth-grade English teacher. At worst, the security camera footage will go viral on You Tube, and your mother will wonder where you learned that language. (Kind of hard to explain it was just an act right, Bosco?)

7 If you are holding up a bank, do not try the caper during non-business hours. If you do, at best no one will notice you in ski mask and gloves trying to get in. At worst, if you do get in, all the money will be in a vault, and the alarm system has called the police.(You wonder what those guys mean by, “Come out with your hands up,” Roscoe?)

6 If you are holding up a bank, do not use someone who has been drinking as a getaway driver. If you do, At best you have to wake them up to getaway. At worst, they may plow into the police car on the corner. (The fun part was the cop had no idea a bank robbery was in progress, Buster.)

5 If you are holding up a bank and are successful, do not brag about it on Facebook. If you do, at best you have so few friends no one will notice. At worst, your post will be forwarded to the police, and you’ll be pinched. (At least the office gave you a “like,” huh Putz?)

4 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to push through a door marked “pull.” If you do, at best you’ll figure it out after a few tries. At worst, you keep bashing the door until the police arrive. (I guess you can blame nerves for your actions, Bunky.)

3 If you are holding up a bank, do not shoot your gun into the ceiling. If you do, at best you will make a clean getaway. At worst,  you will be charged with destruction of property in addition to armed robbery. (Too bad you were caught, Pard.)

2 If you are holding up a bank, do not go through a drive through for lunch while escaping. If you do, at best, your order will be filled immediately. At worst, you will be asked to pull over while your sandwich is being prepared “especially for you.” (Seems that policeman behind you in line had the same sandwich and your license number.( Those red and blue lights mean something, Ferd)

1 If you are holding up a bank, do not accept a bag of money that contains a dye pack. If you do, At best it won’t go off until you get home. At worst, the dye pack will go off as you are walking down the street trailing red smoke. (Pretty hard to try to explain the smoke to folks as you had a lunch that didn’t agree with you huh, Ralph?)