Top Ten Things Not to Do as a Winter Texan

December 19, 2022December 18, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 42 Comments

This post was run on December 8th, 2014. We were living on the coast then, and now that we are in a more citified environment, we don’t see many Winter Texans. However, I’m sure this list would still be handy to those living by the Gulf.

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This week’s top ten list is inspired by the fact that we on the South Texas coast are in the process of the annual migration of the northerners, which we call Winter Texans. We like to be friendly to those who choose to winter over here, but it is sometimes tricky. Not all the temporary Texans are the kind of people you want in the community, but since it is almost impossible to weed out the less desirable, we have to take the bad with the good. Interestingly, most of these people are retired, and one would think they learned something in their sixty-five-plus years on this Earth. Since you are not a Winter Texan, I hope you enjoy the list. If you are, then see if it applies to you.

Top Ten Things Not to Do as a Winter Texan

10 If you are a Winter Texan, do not drive your fifth wheel and trailer at forty miles per hour in a sixty-mile speed zone on the main two-lane road. If you do, at best, you may have to put up with the glares and tailgating of those trying to get around you. At worst, you could cause some hothead to take unnecessary risks trying to pass with possible tragic results.

9 If you are a winter Texan, do not fail to respond to a local greeting of “Good Morning.” If you do, at best, the locals will take note of your state and never visit there. At worst, you will convince all locals who come into contact with you that Winter Texans should be avoided and unfriendly. (We Texans put a lot of stock in returned kindness and Good morning is the least of kindnesses)

8 If you are a Winter Texan on a fixed income, do not help yourself to the salt & pepper shakers and sugar packets when you visit a restaurant. If you do, at best, the next person will have to do without. At worst, you will convince the local restaurateur to keep all condiments behind the counter for on-demand use creating an environment of inconvenience for others.

7 If you are a Winter Texan, and want to fish, do not fail to get a license. If you do, at best, you will not contribute to the preservation of coastal fishing that fees provide. At worst, you could find yourself handcuffed over the hood of a Wildlife Ranger’s truck which will be the beginning of a very annoying process that could mean spending some portion of your golden years in jail.

6 If you are a winter Texan, do not go over the catch limits. If you do, at best, you will contribute to declining numbers of certain species. At worst, you could end up like number seven.

5 If you are a Winter Texan, do not allow your dogs or yourself to use the beach as a private outhouse. If you do, at best, you will be contributing to polluting the environment. At worst, you will be breaking the law and could find yourself fined for littering or arrested for indecent exposure. You would have to admit the sight of an unclothed senior citizen would indeed be indecent.

4 If you are a Winter Texan shopping at the local stores, do not slip items into your farm overalls and then forget about them. If you do, at best, you will contribute to higher retail prices to cover shrinkage. At worst, your pants may let go just as you pass the town constable, and the unavoidable noise of products hitting the floor may be too much to ignore, not to mention the view of those “greatest grandparent” boxers.

3 If you are a Winter Texan, do not try to build the biggest bonfire on the beach. If you do, at best, you will need to stay up all night to watch it. At worst, you neglect to stay up all night to watch it, sparks from your conflagration jump to the dunes, and you are responsible for wiping out the west side of town.

2 If you are a Winter Texan, do not drive your dual-wheel pickup near the waterline. If you do, at best, you will contribute to the demise of delicate creatures who come in contact with your heavy tires. At worst, you may start an ecosystem chain reaction that could cause the abandonment of the area by those animals and birds that relied on the delicate creatures as a food source.

1 If you are a Winter Texan, do not leave anything behind. If you do, at best, the locals will spend additional tax money cleaning your mess. At worst, your trash, old fishing line, beer cans, cigarette butts, and six-pack carriers could end the life of a precious being that might be the final straw in the ecological balance. Then folks will really be pissed, and you don’t want that.

Top Ten Things Not to Expect From Others

September 26, 2022September 25, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

This post originally ran in November 2015. Since I don’t believe humans have changed much since then, I think it is worth a revisit.

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This list is inspired by a study of the results of expecting others to react in a certain way and being totally fooled. As a reminder, this list is intended for humor only and is not the output of a detailed study on the subject. Universities and corporations should be cautious about asking me to take up residence based on a misconceived opinion that I have some unique qualifications in predicting human behavior. (Hell,o Harvard. I’m talking to you.)

Top Ten Things Not to Expect From Others

10 If you are pulled over by a police officer, do not expect to be excused for the reason you were pulled over. If you do, at best, your friendly attitude might be interpreted as something to hide. At worst, your question of “How do we make this go away?” might be construed as a bribe offer. (You sure look funny on the hood of that patrol car, especially with your arms handcuffed behind your back)

9 If you answer the grocery clerks, question; “Did you find everything today?” with an honest answer about missing items, don’t expect a positive response. If you do, at best, you won’t like what you hear. At worst, the fact that the clerk shrugs and says “whatever” causes you to completely lose your cool and are forcibly removed from the store. (Yes, you were right in wondering why they ask if nothing is to be done, but sitting in this mud puddle is the last thing you expected to happen.)

8 If you call an appliance repair person, do not expect the machine to be repaired on the initial visit. If you do, at best, you will need to rearrange your schedule for another visit. At worst, you will make a fool out of yourself by asking the repair person questions for which they have no answer. (You need to know the first visit is diagnostic. The second is repair, and the third is the repair of the repair)

7 If you go to an electronics store, do not think there is someone there who can help. If you do, at best, you will need to go home and Google your problem more carefully. At worst, you will buy the splitter or whatnot that is supposed to fix the problem only to find you now need a new transformer. (You see, most of the employees have a life and can’t be bothered reading about the technology.)

6 If you place a call to customer care, do not believe anyone you talk to is going to disprove the fact that “customer care” is an oxymoron. If you do, at best, you are in for a bumpy ride indeed. At worst, you will finally escalate the call to someone of higher rank who will tell you to quit bothering them. (Your feelings got hurt, didn’t they? Bunkie)

5 If you spend extra money on a warranty, do not expect your problem to be covered. If you do, at best, the realization that you wasted your money will set in quickly. At worst, you and the warranty company will get into a battle of wills that could end up in court. (Guess who has more money for lawyers?)

4 If you ask your server which entrée they recommend, do not think the recommendation is about the best dish. If you do, at best, you will over-expect what will be under-delivered. At worst, you will realize you have been had by the server in cahoots with the owner to move a dish that even the help wouldn’t eat for dinner, which was free to them. (Don’t send it back. Right, now it is 99% spit-free. It may not come back that way.)

3 If you have a friend in the car business, do not expect a good deal on the car you are about to buy. If you do, at best, you will probably pay 20% more than the friend’s enemies pay. At worst, your friend will take his commission and buy a car that is bigger and nicer than yours without even a thank you. (You will continue to wonder how he could afford such a car, and at some quiet moment, it will hit you.)

2 If you arrange for a contractor to do some work, do not expect the final bill to be at or under the bid price. If you do, at best, the surprise factor of the overrun will cause you a visit to the ER. At worst, you realize you won’t have the money for the additional costs, and your contractor resembles Marlon Brando in the Godfather when he explains how “we have a problem.” (You should have checked with the Better Business Bureau before taking the lowball bid. Now it looks like you are going on a long ride in a big black car.)

1 If you hire a party planner, do not expect the party to be like your original thought. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to relax and enjoy yourself. At worst, the theme you rejected twelve times will be the one for the evening. Although you are trying to keep an open mind, you still are having trouble warming to the zombie apocalypse décor. (Is that a server’s arm lying on the floor?)

Top Ten Things to Pass Up Even if on Discount

September 12, 2022September 12, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 120 Comments

This post was originally published on September 14, 2015. I think we can squeeze in a bit of learning from it still. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list is inspired by watching some of the funny things people buy solely because they are being offered at a discounted price. Of course, I’ve taken the list to extremes (which I’m sure you have come to understand by now), but the spirit still lives.

Top Ten Things to Pass Up Even if on Discount

10 Even on discount, do not purchase cut-rate bungee jumping lessons. If you do, at best, you will only be scared poopless. At worst, your family will wonder what you were thinking as they hold a memorial for your three-foot-tall body. (Not to mention that you are six feet wide as well)

9 Even on discount, do not purchase cut-rate meat. If you do, at best, you will only miss a couple of days’ work. At worst, you will be one of the morbidity statistics as the USDA issues a countrywide recall of the E-coli tainted horse meat. (It tasted good going in, right?)

8 Even at a discount, do not buy a truckload of cut-rate toilet tissue. If you do, at best, you will spend more on storage than the original price. At worst, you will be selected for the Dr. Phil TV show segment “Am I full of it since I can’t stop myself from feeling like I need more toilet tissue.” (You’ve noticed how thin the paper is and have taken appropriate action, right?)

7 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate hair restorative product. If you do, at best, you will need to explain your new Day-Glo orange color to the boss. At worst, you will be going through the day answering to the name Uncle Fester and fielding cue ball and reflecting head jokes. ( You always thought Yul Brenner was cool looking, right?)

6 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate wrinkle injection. If you do, at best, you might resemble Donald Duck for a few months. At worst, you read about your doctor being accused by the FDA of using industrial silicone for some procedures, and now you know why you haven’t been able to feel your cheeks. (You do look good, though.)

5 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate parachute for skydiving. If you do, at best, you could experience the thrill of trying to slow down with a tattered canopy. At worst, you will make a lasting impression in the field as you land without the benefit of an active drag-creating device. (Looking as if you did it on purpose doesn’t help the bystanders forget.)

4 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate beer. If you do, at best, you will have all the taste and satisfaction of drinking carbonated defrost. At worst, you will realize your mistake as you read the label and see that the product is 99% salmonella free. (You only noticed that after six bottles, right?)

3 Even at a discount, do not buy cut-rate gold. If you do, at best, you won’t notice until the day your neck and finger turn green. At worst, you will realize that you have paid the highest amount of money for the least amount of gold, and you thought a pound would be a good buy. (you now have an attractive doorstop. Don’t get it wet.)

2 Even at a discount, do not buy cut-rate fruit. If you do, at best, you will have enough left after you cull the spoiled to make one salad. At worst, the USDA you may call to ask you to donate your generations of fruit flies to genetic research. (And you thought those spots in front of your eyes resulted from too little sleep.)

1 Even at a discount, do not buy a cut-rate used car. If you do, at best, you will understand the phrase “Get a horse.” At worst, you might be called by your homeowner association to move what they interpret as a mobile home for stray animals out of your driveway. (It seemed like a good idea to leave the windows down to circulate fresh air since the thing wouldn’t run, right?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are a Writer

August 22, 2022August 21, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 86 Comments

This post was published on November 21, 2016. Still good advice if you are a writer.

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The inspiration for this list is thinking back on all my mistakes while trying to become a writer. Not that I made all of them, but maybe some. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are a Writer

10 If you are a writer, do not kill a child or a pet in your story. If you do, at best, the fallout will blow over in two years or so. At worst, you will be cavorting with some strange characters in your new witness protection plan. (Don’t get cute with a pen name, either. They will find you)

9 If you are a writer, do not show friends and family portions of your work in process. If you do, at best, you’ll pick up some unwanted advice on plot direction. At worst, your family will now wonder how in the world you ever got the experience to write that sex scene. (Just how do you explain that one, Buford?)

8 If you are a writer, do not think you can take a vacation. If you do, at best, your characters will haunt your every moment until you get back to the manuscript. At worst, you’ll suddenly let your insecure inner self convince you to quit and become a McDonald’s employee. (At least the money will be better, huh, Clyde?)

7 If you are a writer, do not tell people at a cocktail party what you do. If you do, at best, they’ll smile and walk away. At worst, you will have to listen to a potential best-selling synopsis that takes over an hour to relate by someone thinking of writing a book. (Like it is the easiest thing to do, Ferd)

6 If you are a writer, do not think your life will end when the manuscript is done. If you do, at best, your story will take on epic proportions. At worst, you may get the heaviest book award from the New Apple Book Awards group. (You didn’t know that was a category? It was established primarily for you. No, your manuscript cannot be returned since the flatbed truck is unavailable.)

5 If you are a writer, do not let your characters take control of the story. If you do, at best, you’ll have a pack of amateurs running the show. At worst, your story will take on the appearance of a three-ring circus (You hadn’t intended to write about entertainment, did you, Ernest?)

4 If you are a writer, do not be in a hurry to get published. If you are, at best, you may have a plot hole that no one will notice. At worst, the grammar, plot, character, and continuity issues might gain you all the one-star reviews you can handle. (Quite a shock, huh?)

3 If you are a writer, do not think you need to do little else. If you do, at best, those few books sold will be gravy. At worst, your status as the great undiscovered but brilliant novelist will remain undisturbed. (Best to write your own eulogy as well.)

2 If you are a writer, do not plan to have your retirement income be solely based on your royalties. If you do, at best, you can cut expenses enough to survive. At worst, you are allergic to the kind of soup at the Salvation Army kitchen. (All your pals are really impressed that you are an author. Right, Bunkie?)

1 If you are a writer, do not argue with your reviewers. If you do, at best, the reviews will not improve. At worst, you may pick on the single reviewer who is classically trained in the martial arts and knows where you live. (Is that Tiny, the WWF champ tearing your front door off the hinges?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Editing Your Book.

August 15, 2022August 14, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 100 Comments

This post was initially run on November 7th, 2016. However, life is still the same, and I hope you enjoy it again.

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The inspiration for this list is, well, frankly, my latest labor over the editing process. I hope you enjoy the list, and I have done some of these things.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Editing Your Book.

10 If you are editing, do not think glasses of wine make the work go easier. If you do, at best, you’ll just have to do it over. At worst, you might inadvertently delete several chapters of your book under the belief that you have better ones in mind. (Aren’t you glad you had that backup file Goof-ball?)

9 If you are editing, do not think you can watch the football game while you work. If you do, at best, you will catch all your mistakes on the second go around. At worst, you think you found them all only to discover in reading a review the question, “What does a touchdown have to do with the relationship?” (Hmm, you can explain that, can’t you, Bunkie?)

8 If you are editing, do not decide to change a character’s name with “find and replace.” If you do, At best, you’ll catch the ones missed. At worst, you will have a new character named JerryTinyO.” (That extra space sure made a difference. Oh, and Tiny would like to see you. He’s over at the gym straightening out horseshoes.)

7 If you are editing, do not believe long breaks will enhance your work. If you do, at best, you will be editing this book forever. At worst, your continuity will go out the window, and your book will read like a short story collection. (You had not intended to publish short stories, did you, Ferd?”)

6 If you are editing, do not ask your friends to read the new edits. If you do, at best, the opinions will be so varied you’ll be confused. At worst, you will realize you need new friends and a new book. (You now wish you had just given it to an editor, right?)

5 If you are editing, do not try to do the whole thing in one sitting. If you do, at best, you will be exhausted. At worst, you may stop caring how the stupid book comes out and just want to get the damn thing done. (Your two-star reviews aren’t much of a reward, are they?)

4 If you are editing, do not snack to reduce stress. If you do, at best, you’ll need extra exercise hours. At worst, your snacking will resemble a runaway train from which there is no return. (Getting a grip is much more complicated when more of you, isn’t it?)

3 If you are editing, do not believe the rest of the family understands your pain. If you do, at best, you’ll feel misunderstood. At worst, you will constantly think of ways to take your angst out on your characters. (This book has taken on a sinister air, hasn’t it, Stephen?)

2 If you are editing, do not abandon personal hygiene. If you do, at best, you will be alone. At worst, your family could seek council with the local mental health provider, and you’ll get more help than you need. (You can still type with that white jacket on. Right, Buford?)

1 If you are editing, know when it is time to stop. If you don’t, at best, you will never finish the book. At worst, you will suffer PETS (Post Editing Traumatic Syndrome) and never sleep again. (You need to stop going over the text in your head. It has been published already.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show.

August 8, 2022August 7, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments

This post originally ran on October 6th, 2016. It still looks like good advice. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came as I walked around the Mustangfest on Saturday. I swear all of these are made up, and I did not use actual personal experiences to compile this list. Hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show.

10 If you attend an auto show, do not touch the cars. If you do, at best, you will be reminded not to do it. At worst, that tall guy with the polish cloth heading in your direction has orders to use his knuckles if necessary to keep people back from the cars. (Just your luck, his T-shirt has “Punch First, Ask Second” silk-screened on the front)

9 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the owner how much was spent on the restoration. If you do, at best, you’ll get a vague answer like “too much.” At worst, you will get an actual number that is said within earshot of the owner’s spouse, followed by a round of bickering. (You can’t escape this one and find yourself on the receiving end of blows from both.)

8 If you attend an auto show, do not insist on a ride in one of the cars. If you do, at best, the owner will try to ignore you. At worst, the owner will call security to have you escorted out. (Security just happens to be handled by the Oakland, California chapter of the Hell Angles. Yes, Tiny is President and happy to help you out.)

7 If you attend an auto show, do not take pictures of cars and people without permission. If you do, at best, you’ll be kindly asked to stop. At worst, you can reclaim your camera in stall one of the men’s room. (It is amazing how low the tolerance level was when you snapped that flash into the face of the big guy asking you to stop.)

6 If you attend an auto show, do not set a beverage container on a car. If you do, at best, you will be asked to leave. At worst, you will cause an apoplectic reaction from the owner that will require an EMS intervention. (I’ll bet you never saw that shade of red on a human face before, did you? Oh, by the way, Tiny was asking around for you.)

5 If you attend an auto show, do not point out flaws in the car to the owner. If you do, at best, the owner will walk away. At worst, you will have said enough to trigger the set point for past anger issues, and the consequences will be noisy at best. (You never knew you could run that fast, primarily through crowds of people. How did you know this was the owner’s first day out of the institution?)

4 If you attend an auto show, do not open anything on the car that isn’t already open. If you do, at best, you will be asked kindly to leave the vehicle alone. At worst, you will open the door, lid, or hatch to a potentially embarrassing situation. (How did you know seven days of laundry was in that trunk?)

3 If you attend an auto show, do not let the children run free. If you do, at best, they will behave as you have taught them. At worst, that all-day sucker that is missing will show up inside the award-winning convertible. (The sad part is your child cries out, “Hey, that’s my sucker,” as the man tries to remove it from his white leather seat. The crowd now turns to you.)

2 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the car owner’s spouse about the family participation in the hobby. If you do, at best, you will get a short reply that broadcasts resentment. At worst, you’ll get an invitation to have a drink that will turn into a four-hour complaint session resulting in a slurred outburst against the whole idea. (Another fine fix you are in, hey, Bunkie. You are lucky not to be named a co-respondent in the divorce.)

1 If you attend an auto show, do not attempt to impress the muscle car owner with the performance attributes of your Prius. If you do, at best, the scoff gives you a hint to move on. At worst, the owner will call a few friends over so that there will be an audience to witness the put-down. (What ever made you think muscle car love had anything to do with fuel economy?)

Top Ten Things Not to do If You Don’t Normally Shop for Whatever You are Buying.

August 1, 2022July 31, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments

This list was originally posted on October 5th, 2015. I think it still is useful.

This list was inspired by filling in on a few occasions when I needed to venture into places I’ve never been. These examples are not necessarily places where you’ve never been. They are just the places where you are generally not found buying things.

Top Ten Things Not to do If You Don’t Normally Shop for Whatever You Buy.

10 If you don’t usually buy birthday cakes, do not take it upon yourself to alter the instructions you have been given. If you do, at best, those colors that looked so good in the store clash with the birthday party decorations. At worst, that nickname you think is so cute was not to be shared with anyone outside the house, and now 25 of your child’s friends have a brand new torture vehicle. (Don’t worry, the name will eventually die out in twenty or thirty years.)

9 If you don’t usually buy tires, do not listen to the guy wanting to sell four of the $300 super slick Michelins. If you do, at best, you will now have 60,000 miles of wear guarantee. At worst, your car has about 30,000 more miles before it dies. (The tires sure look good as the tow truck pulls it away.)

8 If you don’t usually buy power tools, do not pick up the first thing on sale. If you do, at best, the device might be on sale for a reason. At worst, the money you saved on the tool will be more than offset by the cost of the repair contractor. (You were sure the saw would work long enough to finish the project, weren’t you?)

7 If you don’t usually buy toys for Christmas, do not buy anything not on the list. If you do, At best, you may set the record for the most gifts bought for any Christmas. At worst, your preschool kids might be too young for the mini drone and Xbox games they find under the tree. (At least they will have fun with the boxes.)

6 If you don’t usually buy vacation airline tickets, do not think those add-ons are a bargain. If you do, at best, you will find you did not need that extra pillow or rancid can of nuts. At worst, you may find you may have the distinction of paying the most to go the shortest distance. (You must wonder why the airline keeps sending you letters asking when you will book your next trip.)

5 If you don’t usually buy appliances, do not go alone to buy anything in the appliance category. If you do, at best, you may have to pay a restocking fee for its return. At worst, you will have something in your house that no one will use. (And it is right in the hallway where you run into it every night.)

4 If you don’t usually buy automobiles alone, do not say yes to that yellow sports convertible. If you do, at best, you will be broadcasting a midlife crisis. At worst, you may find it too cramped for comfortable sleeping quarters. (And now the yard starts to look good.)

3 If you don’t usually buy clothing alone, don’t grab that suit simply because you saw it in an ad. If you do, at best, the tailor just might be able to adjust out some of the youthful features. At worst, you will be evident in your choice of clothes that are not age-appropriate. (How is that skinny fit feeling now?)

2 If you don’t usually buy wine, do not make a selection based on either high or low prices. If you do, at best, you will pay more for a good wine than necessary. At worst, your low-priced selection might be good for bumper rust removal but not drinking. (Lucky you. Picking up a bottle on your way to the boss’s house.)

1 If you don’t usually buy snacks for the football game, do not buy what you think will be suitable for the people watching football. At best, you will have a lot of new snacks. At worst, you may end up watching the game by yourself and your pet rabbit. (Of course, it is not logical, but that’s football.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Returning From a Long Trip

July 18, 2022July 17, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 79 Comments

This was originally posted on July 3rd, 2017. Now that we are back to making trips, I think it might still be current.

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The inspiration for this list was my return from a ten-day trip. In case you wonder, I am entirely innocent of these incidents. Hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Returning From a Long Trip

10 If you are returning from a long trip, do not forget where you parked your car. If you do, at best, security will help you find it. At worst, you’ll have to catch a cab home, convincing your family that you need a physical intervention. (That brain MRI was a pleasant experience, right, Bosco?)

9 If you are returning from a long trip, do not argue with the parking attendant about the price of parking. If you do, at best, he will call the police. At worst, the attendant is Tiny, the WWF champ working nights to pay his fine for the last criminal assault charge. (Looks like you had better use your feet to avoid this one, Buford.)

8 If you are returning from a long trip, do not arrive in the middle of the night and expect a warm welcome. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, your watchdog, which is especially protective, will confuse you with an intruder. (Good thing you have that tall tree in the front yard, huh? Putz.)

7 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think the hotel shampoo and conditioner bottles count as souvenirs. If you do, at best, the only one talking to you right now is you. At worst, you’ll have to find an alternative sleeping arrangement. (That couch is as lumpy as you thought, isn’t it, Buster?)

6 If you are returning from a long trip, do not dump your laundry on the floor and declare, “No rush.” If you do, at best, the pile will stay there forever. At worst, you may wonder why the Goodwill receipt is on your bureau. (On the plus side, you can deduct the donation, Ferd.)

5 If you are returning from a long trip, do not make comments at dinner about how good the food was on the trip. If you do, at best, you will be eating out for weeks. At worst, you will be invited to prepare the meals according to your taste. (That includes menu and shopping, Bunky.)

4 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think everyone you meet wants to hear about your experiences. If you do, at best, people will avoid you. At worst, you will have to listen to the experiences of others. (It really gets to you when their trip sounds better than yours, doesn’t it, Tex?)

3 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think everyone wants to hear you speak in the language of the place visited. If you do, at best, most will believe that you are affected. At worst, you will meet someone fluent in the language, and you’ll be stumped. (A little hard to keep up after hello, don’t you think, Pard?)

2 If you are returning from a long trip, don’t keep saying, ”It’s good to be home.” If you do, at best, people will think you had a lousy time. At worst, most will wonder why you left in the first place. (Of course, they may also see through your desire to answer the question, “Where have you been? Leroy.”)

1 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think you won’t have to resume helping out around the house. If you do, at best, you will get a gentle reminder. At worst, you may find your suitcase repacked and ready for another trip. (That one-way ticket is sobering, don’t you think, Cousin?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Watching Competition Shows.

July 11, 2022July 10, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

This post was published on September 12th, 2016. Let’s hope it has legs.

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The inspiration for this list came to me while watching a few shows where people compete for money, a hosting berth on a food show, to see if they would like to sell or list their house, or just want a new place to live. I did not know what to call these shows, so I labeled them competition shows. Anyway, I think you get the idea.

10 If you are watching a competition show and it involves food, do not think you need to match bite for bite. If you do, at best, you’ll be too full to sleep. At worst, your doctor will conduct an intervention and perhaps admit you to a sanitarium to lose weight. (Man, that first 100 pounds came quick, didn’t it?)

9 If you are watching a competition show that involves racing from one place to the next, do not think you need to rush to the store after it is over. If you do, at best, the kindly officer will let you off with a warning after he hears your story. At worst, your insurance company will not reinstate your policy in spite of your promise to get rid of the racing gloves. (You would have been okay had you not slid sideways into the 7-11.)

8 If you are watching a competition show and the players are all on an island with no food, do not plan your vacation while watching. If you do, at best, your room choices will seem luxurious when in fact, they should be condemned. At worst, you’ll arrive at your destination and realize that primitive camp living might not have been the best option. (Especially since your family considers roughing it to be no room service.)

7 If you are watching a competition show and the favorite day of the show is demolition day, do not tackle that small home improvement. If you do, at best, you will spend three minutes on demolition and ten days on reconstruction. At worst, your demolition fever will go unchecked until you realize you have no more bedrooms. (That night sky is sure filled with stars, isn’t it?)

6 If you are watching a competition show and the principles pay for rundown houses with cash, do not make an offer on a house. If you do, at best, you will overlook some needed repairs. At worst, you will realize there is no one to help you with what has been described as a “tear down.” (It looked so easy on TV, didn’t it, Bunky?)

5 If you are watching a competition show and the homeowners are asked if they love it or should they list it? Do not call an agent to list your house. If you do, at best, you will have second thoughts about your beloved home. At worst, your house will sell in two days with the new owners wanting to move in a week, and you have nowhere to go. (How come everything for sale is higher priced than what you got for your house? Huh?)

4 If you are watching a competition show and there are judges eliminating chefs, do not decide you can cook better than all of them. If you do, at best, your offerings may not be enthusiastically received. At worst, you will have a food walkout at your house, and you’ll be the last chef standing. (Seems kind of lonely, just you and that pot of stew.)

3 If you are watching a competition show and it involves food trucks, do not think that may be an easy way to make a buck. If you do, at best, your first week will be a killer. At worst, after you spend all that money to buy the truck, you realize you can’t sell the truck. (Kind of cramped to live in, right?)

2 If you are watching a competition show that involves two guys giving the homeowner a complete makeover for $30,000, do not ask for bids on your remodel. If you do, at best, you’ll never get a price low enough to proceed. At worst, you will find someone to do the job at your price and have to hire another contractor to redo the job at twice the price. (All looked good until the ceiling fell. Right?)

1 If you are watching a competition show that involves selecting a home from three choices of houses, do not think you will be that lucky. If you do, At best, you will need to see more. At worst, you will look at three, pick one, and discover that a better house has come on the market and is cheaper. (So much for being in a rush, huh, Rube?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Fast Food Drive Through

June 20, 2022June 18, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 123 Comments

This list was originally posted on September 26th, 2016. Since drive-throughs still exist, I think the advice will be helpful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Fast Food Drive Through

10 If you are going to a drive-through, do not ask the order taker for a dining recommendation. If you do, at best, you’ll get a repeat of the “how can I help you?” At worst, the order person will tell you to eat somewhere else. (Didn’t expect that did you? You better take the advice so you can be assured your drinks are 99% spit free.)

9 If you are going to a drive-through, do not ask for a description of the special of the day. If you do, at best, there is no special. At worst, the order person will believe you are mocking their position and will get even. (Do not lift that lid on the soft drink; just throw it away.)

8 If you are going to a drive-through, do not tell the order taker that this is a to-go order. At best, you won’t hear the comment since the mic is turned off. At worst, you’ll have to sit and listen to the laughter of the entire order crew and patrons as the order taker broadcasts “THIS IS A TO-GO ORDER” over the loudspeaker. (What were you thinking? DRIVE THROUGH. Duh?)

7 If you are going to a drive-through, do not ask for special handling of your sandwich. If you do, At best, you’ll be asked to pull over. At worst, you will sit in the penalty box in the hot sun until the staff finally remembers you are there. (Your special handling request is forgotten as well.)

6 If you are going to a drive-through, do not joke about a wine pairing. If you do, at best, you’ll confuse the order taker and take more time. At worst, the order taker will seek out a manager to find the answer. (The manager’s name is Tiny, and this is the fourteenth-hour Tiny has been at work. Tiny was also the Class A high school wrestling champ in the state and had to relinquish the title because of anger issues. Bon appetite.)

5 If you are going to a drive-through, do not change your order. If you do, at best, you will get both. At worst, you will get the order of the car behind you, which bears no resemblance to what you wanted. (You have to wonder how a burger that big can fit into a mouth.)

4 If you are going to a drive-through, don’t forget to check your order. If you do forget, at best, the only thing missing is a straw. At worst, that deep-fried chicken sandwich you didn’t order triggers your cholesterol and blood pressure to new levels. (“So how did we come to eat that thing?” is the question asked by your doctor. Regrettably, you try to blame the drive-through.)

3 If you are going to a drive-through, do not try to stock your condiment supply with a request for extra. If you do, at best, you’ll get one more catsup, and that’s all. At worst, you will get too many catsups and not enough mustard and mayonnaise. (The charge for all of this will be on your credit card bill, which will be way too much.)

2 If you are going to a drive-through, do not answer “yes” to any questions regarding quantity. If you do, at best, you will spend more and eat more. At worst, the three-week exercise program that had you feeling good will now need a reset. (How can something that only weighs twelve ounces put three pounds on your frame?)

1 If you are going to a drive-through, don’t wait until you get to the order spot to decide you are a vegan. If you do, at best, there will be nothing on the menu for you. At worst, the cars behind you will raise an uproar as you search for an acceptable item. (That police officer heading toward you is responding to the manager who finally gave up asking you for your order.)