Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Realtor Open House

June 13, 2022June 12, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

This list was originally posted on August 22, 2016. Since then, the real estate market has exploded, and I’m not sure realtors even have open houses. These days usually list the home and give buyers a week to submit a bid. Someday, the old ways will come back, and this list may be handy when they do.

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The inspiration for this list is having attended some realtor open houses and having an active imagination of the realtor’s reaction if one of the visitors should do any of the things on the list. I am entirely innocent.

10 If you attend a realtor open house, do not make yourself at home no matter what the salesperson says when you arrive. If you do, at best, you’ll be asked to take your feet off the couch. At worst, the police will ask you once to get out of the shower and get dressed. (Don’t make them use that stun gun, Bunky. You’ll look ridiculous on the nightly news especially buck naked.)

9 If you attend a realtor open house, do not think that pot on the stove is hot cider. If you do, at best, the potpourri won’t make you sick. At worst, you’ll find the wood chips and cinnamon sticks aren’t as fun on the revisit. (That ER ipecac treatment was as close to waterboarding as you will get for a while.)

8 If you attend a realtor open house, do not think you can test the bed. If you do, at best, you’ll be shown the door. At worst, your photo ends up at the Multiple Listing Service, and this will be your last open house. (You should have set the alarm before that nap.)

7 If you attend a realtor open house, do not make jokes about the home owner’s relative’s photos. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, the realtor will rat you out to the owner. (You didn’t know this was your boss’s house until you saw his photo in the last frame, did you?)

6 If you attend a realtor open house, do not help yourself to one of the cookies in the kitchen. If you do, at best, that is why they are on display. At worst, you are now painfully aware the cookies were props. (How long will you have to chew that wax before it goes bye-bye?)

5 If you attend a realtor open house, do not turn on the big game. If you do, at best, the broker will ask you to turn it off. At worst, you will still be watching as the owners return to their house. (It’s retty uncomfortable explaining how you came to turn the thing on in the first place. Oh, and how that beer just magically appeared.)

4 If you attend a realtor open house, do not open drawers to have a peek. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worst, you’ll go into the media room and be able to watch the security camera replay of your bathroom snooping. (Don’t even try to figure out how to erase the file. The central control is locked, and the owner is looking at your performance on a cell phone ten miles away.)

3 If you attend a realtor open house, do not be tempted to open the refrigerator. If you do open it, at best, only the salesperson will know. At worst, the owners return home through the kitchen door just as you look inside the refrigerator. (Your comment about “nice-looking pot roast leftovers” does nothing to ease the tension.)

2 If you attend a realtor open house, do not be tempted to pick a flower or two, no matter how lovely. If you do pick one, at best, you can tell a fib about it being broken off. At worst, you have the flower in your hand and no way to hide the fact from the owner. (The owner happens to be named Tiny and stands seven feet tall and rushed out to his garden to find you with his favorite Zinnia in your hand. You should just fall down now.)

1 If you attend a realtor open house, no matter what, do not turn on the Jacuzzi. If you do, at best, that broken switch will fail to operate. At worst, the broken return pipe will shoot water until the tub is dry. (Of course, you can’t turn off the superheated motor, so you stand by helplessly watching the firefighters try to save the house from the burning lanai.)

Top Ten Things Not to do When the Stock Market Goes Nuts.

May 9, 2022May 8, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

Before we get into the Top Ten list, I want to let you know that I will be attending my oldest grandaughter’s college graduation in Indiana and taking a log break from Wednesday, May 11th until Thursday, May 19th. I will be monitoring e-mails but not posting and probably not visiting blogs. I have not taken a break since I started blogging in 2013. The inspiration for this break comes from my Mac is still in repair, and my Dell PC weighs more than me, so it is staying home. I’m really lousy at communicating on the iPhone, so I decided it was break time. I’m letting you know because at my age, when I stop blogging, most figure I died, and that is not the case. I will send another reminder with each post until Wednesday.

This post was originally published in August of 2015. Since the stock market has had a wild ride this month I figure it is still good advice.

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The inspiration for this list is last week’s volatility in the price of stocks. Although I was tempted to do almost all of them, I refrained and kept myself under control. Hopefully, I will keep the list handy for the next time since I have a feeling there will be many more thrill rides this year.

Top Ten Things Not to do When the Stock Market Goes Nuts.

10 When the stock market goes nuts, do not go near an open window. If you do, at best, you will think about jumping out. At worst, you will take a jump and then realize the window is on the ground floor. (Pretty embarrassing dropping thirty-six inches)

9 When the stock market goes nuts, do not call your broker. If you do, at best, they will talk you into calming down. At worst, you and your broker will be calm as you lose 20% of your 401K. (Now, don’t you feel better after the call?)

8 When the stock market goes nuts, do not panic. If you do, at best, you will embarrass yourself in front of co-workers and family. At worst, you will need to seek a specialist on hair replacement when the panic is over. (That bare spot on the side definitely needs attention)

7 When the stock market goes nuts, do not sell anything. If you do, at best, you will feel in control but poorer. At worst, you will incur losses that will take years to replace, and now you waited too long to get back in, and the prices are already too high. (I know it’s complicated)

6 When the stock market goes nuts, do not listen to the analysts’ advice. If you do, at best, you will make a sudden move, and you will be already too late to save money. At worst, you will listen to the wrong analysis and do the opposite of the right thing. (After all, no two analysts have the same advice)

5 When the stock market goes nuts, do not let others know how bad things look. If you do, at best, you will have to deal with their concerns and advice and the problem of lost value. At worst, you will be compelled to make an unwarranted move to convince others you are in control. (This is true if you are the custodian of others’ funds)

4 When the stock market goes nuts, do not check your accounts. If you do, at best, you will be tempted to make a sudden ill-advised move. At worst, you will focus on the negative reports to the point where you will need shock therapy to make a comeback. (Positive reports are not valuable in the current situation.)

3 When the stock market goes nuts, do not read the financial news. If you do, At best, you will be convinced the world is coming to an end. At worst, you will need to have a cardiologist on speed dial to handle your recurring symptoms of heart failure. (Makes you want to be a trained EMS tech so you can self-administer defibrillation. Of course, you can take those paddles yourself, right?)

2 When the stock market goes nuts, do not go into the local pub. If you do, at best, the problem will still be there tomorrow, along with that gigantic throbbing head sharing your bed. At worst, you will get it into your mind to have it out once and for all with the stock seller person, and the police intercept you before you get to where they live. (Don’t worry about the DUI. As bad as it is, it’s easier to handle than what you were thinking about doing last night.)

1 When the stock market goes nuts, do not forget why you invested in stocks in the first place. If you do, at best, you’ll neglect your long-range financial goals. At worst, you will put all your money into a box under the bed with the possibility that it will be worth much less in the future or a burglar will find it. (Not to mention you arguing with the firefighters about getting back into your burning house.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if Your Inhibitions Have Been Set Free.

April 25, 2022April 24, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

This post ran in June of 2015. However, I think it may still have some worthy seeds of advice.

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The inspiration for this list is a lifetime of observation of people’s behavior who finally let down their defenses. The lowering of defenses may have resulted from being over-served or just a decision of not wanting to hold back any longer. Although becoming open and honest without pretense can be the right thing, the consequences of Id liberation make such a move potentially the source of regret. I hope you enjoy the list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if Your Inhibitions Have Been Set Free.

10 If you feel uninhibited, do not free your body from clothes to match your mind. If you do, at best, you will be all alone in the woods. At worst, you will become aware of your condition as the mall cops wrestle you to the floor and try to hide your parts. (Besides, i’s cold on that floor.)

9 If you feel uninhibited, do not ignore the speed laws. If you do, at best, you’ll get home in one piece. At worst, you will find it hard to explain to the justice system that you no longer think the laws of the land apply to you since you feel free. (You will also risk having a mandatory psych evaluation before your trial.)

8 If you feel uninhibited, do not walk out of a store with unpaid merchandise. If you do, at best, you can explain you forgot to check out, and no harm done. At worst, you will be escorted to the rear of the store by a guy with SECURITY on his shirt. (Walking past the fifth grade class of your kid’s school on their annual retail field trip.)

7 If you feel uninhibited, do not overestimate the value of the truth. If you do, at best, your truthful comments will be limited to the weather. At worst, your truth-telling on some subjects will lead you to be asked to leave the country for good by some somber-looking people. (Their shirts have the word ICE on them. They are not selling drinks.)

6 If you feel uninhibited, do not blow your horn to encourage the pack of Hells Angles to get out of your way. If you do, at best, they might move over to let you pass. At worst, you will find yourself on the back of a Harley Softail hanging on to Moose for dear life with the next stop in Sturgis. (Oh, and your car is in several of the member’s saddlebags. (They promise they will put it back together after the rally.)

5 If you feel uninhibited, do not tell the checkout person about all the things you couldn’t find today. (Even if asked) If you do, at best, you will realize no one cares about what you couldn’t find. At worst, the checkout person will call the manager with the words “whining customer on register four.” (Those behind you will be calling for some tar and feathers.)

4 If you feel uninhibited, do not take the survey you are offered during your call to customer service of the electric company to report that your power has been off for four hours. If you do, at best, you will not see your power for three days. At worst, your survey will be handed to the uncooperative employee you talked with and includes your home address, phone number, and hours when your electricity usage is lowest. (You will wonder what that black car is doing across the street every night. Hint, leave town)

3 If you feel uninhibited, do not answer the question, “Where would you like to go for dinner?” If you do, at best, you will resent the fact you had to decide the rest of the night. At worst, you will rant about why you always have to arrange everything. You will ask, “Why just this once can’t you make the $#@*&% decision.” (The result will be carry-out and total silence at dinner and for the rest of the month.)

2 If you feel uninhibited and someone from management asks what you think should be done to improve the workplace, do not tell everyone what you think. If you do, at best, your coworkers will endeavor to move away from you. At worst, you will, in two minutes of meaningful suggestions, render yourself a pariah. (And a perfect candidate for that assignment in Iraq.)

1 If you feel uninhibited, do not visit any store with merchandise priced any higher than a dollar. If you do, At best, you will snap out of it in time. At worst, you will finally be stopped by the credit card security group, which honestly believes your card has been stolen. (Your limit was reached in only two stops, and one was a diamond store.)

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Plan to Attend a MLB Game

April 18, 2022April 17, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments

We are all not Major League Baseball fans but if you are, here is some advice written back in April of 2016

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This list has inspired the fact that the Major League Baseball season is underway, and there are things you need to know if you plan to attend a game.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Plan to Attend an MLB Game.

10 If you plan to attend a game, do not call in sick to work. If you do, at best, no one will see you that day. At worst, you will be highlighted as the 1,000,000th attendee, including an interview playing on the 6:00 and 10:00 news. (You hope that fake nose, mustache, and glasses get up will keep your boss in the dark.)

9 If you plan to attend a game, do not bring your favorite glove in hopes of catching a home run. If you do, at best, those around you will assume you have some kind of mental illness that focuses on balls. At worst, you will have the opportunity to catch a home run ball only to drop it in front of thousands of fans on the jumbotron and those watching the game on TV. (Can you say, “Clumsy idiot,” Bucky?”)

8 If you plan to attend a game, do not drive your car to the ballpark. If you do, at best, you’ll pay more for parking than the ticket. At worst, you’ll have trouble finding a place to park and take up the offer by the guy in sunglasses and a knit cap to watch your car for five dollars. (The tow truck didn’t do too much damage, and you understand a new bumper will cost under a thousand.)

7 If you plan to attend a game and take a date, do not try to avoid the kiss cam by talking on your phone. If you do, at best, this will be the last time with this person. At worst, the commentary from the TV coverage will ensure you may never get a date again. (Sure, you are the Wolf of Wall Street, Ace, and now might be a lone wolf).

6 If you plan to attend a game and want to sit close to the players, do not yell insults that the players can hear. If you do, at best, you’ll get some fierce looks. At worst, you might have to think fast to avoid that Louisville slugger heading your way. (Man! Those bats are hard, aren’t they, Buster?)

5. If you plan to go to the game, do not try to best your old beer per hour record. If you do, at best, you will fall short and be glad later. At worst, you will soundly beat your old record, which you will celebrate by calling trains (Pittsburgh, Poughkeepsie, and Albuquerque) in the ceramic microphone. (Those cheese nachos looked better an hour ago, didn’t they? Ferd.)

4 If you plan to go to the game, do not think it will be a cheap day. If you do, at best, you will have sticker shock at the end of the day. At worst, you will overspend to the point that you realize you could have had a trip to a lovely resort. (Who was to know those peanut’s prices were by the piece rather than the bag.)

3 If you plan to go to the game, do not sit in a part of the stadium where the away team fans sit and root for your team. If you do, at best, everyone will take your loyalties good-naturedly. At worst, you may find that the guy everyone calls Brutus has finally had it with your cheers and decides to give you a close-up view of a knuckle sandwich. (It was a brief look before the lights went out, wasn’t it?)

2 If you plan to go to the game, do not keep up a running chatter about the team and individual statistics. If you do, at best, you have everyone wanting to move away. At worst, while you impress yourself, you are not paying attention to that large man with cauliflower ears pushing people out of his way and heading in your direction. (It seems odd that he can pick you up by the neck, doesn’t it?)

1 If you plan to attend a game, do not assume that the umpire is not qualified and has been on the waiting list for a Lasik procedure. If you do, at best, your accusations of sight and skill problems will fall on deaf ears. At worst, security will help you to a position in the park where no one can hear you. (If you need help, you are now in a place where no one can hear you scream. Heh heh heh.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Think You Will Win a Contest or the Lotto

April 11, 2022April 10, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

Here is a post from May 4th, 2015, that has some advice that may still be worthwhile. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list was inspired by reading a story about a person who had a dream that they were a Lotto winner and went out and bought new cars before the drawing.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Think You Will Win a Contest or the Lotto

10 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not quit your day job until the drawing is over. If you do, at best, your boss won’t take you seriously when you give a reason for resigning. At worst, the Publisher Clearing House Award Team will knock on your door only to discover they have made a mistake. (Your neighbor with the constantly barking dog is the actual winner.)

9 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not brag to your in-laws before the drawing. If you do, at best, they will believe you are a little naive. At worst, your father-in-law will present an IOU for the amount of money he has loaned to your spouse. (The bill will still be due even if you don’t win.)

8 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not sign the papers for that beautiful new house until after the drawing. If you do, at best, you will be the proud owner of two homes and utterly broke. At worst, the Federal government will want to talk about the amount of income you stated on the bank loan forms of twenty million, which was used to approve the loan. (They keep mumbling vaguely about something called bank fraud.)

7 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not tell all your friends before the drawing. If you do, at best, they will want the money back for the drinks they bought you. At worst, they will think you won and are avoiding their requests for a loan. (Never thought you had so many broke friends did you?)

6 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not put off saving for retirement. If you do, at best, you will need to keep working until you have enough to retire. At worst, you will retire and find out you need to work more. (No one is hiring someone that dumb.)

5 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not put your house up for sale until after the drawing. If you do, at best, you will sell it and need to find another. At worst, you will sell your house and find you don’t have enough money to buy one of similar value. ( The bank just said you don’t qualify for a loan.)

4 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not tell your boss exactly what you think of them before the drawing. If you do, at best, your boss will send you for a mental evaluation, and all will be forgotten. At worst, you will say things you want to retract, but you know a retraction is impossible even as you pack for your new assignment in North Korea. (Don’t forget the down jacket with the red star.)

3 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not avoid setting up a college fund. If you do, at best, your kids will be so bright and talented that they will win full scholarships to Ivy League schools. At worst, your kids will have to take jobs and loans to get through college and eventually find their way back to your basement. (Good to see them more frequently, right?).

2 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not invest in that oil well with your brother-in-law before the drawing. If you do, at best, you have given your brother-in-law a gift. At worst, the oil well came in dry. (I’m not sure that scratch-off ticket is going to help.)

1 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not buy that expensive gift for your partner before the drawing. If you do, at best, you will be thanked for the thought. At worst, you will have to return the gift and explain why you bought it in the first place. (Whichever way the excuse comes out, it will still sound like you have lost your mind.)

Top Ten Writing Things Not to Discuss with Anyone Who’s Not a Writer

April 4, 2022April 3, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 98 Comments

Top Ten Writing Things Not to Discuss with Anyone Who’s Not a Writer

10 If you are a writer, do not discuss how hard it is to write. If you do, at best, you’ll get an eye roll. At worst, you’ll be talking to someone who disarms bombs for a living and will laugh out loud in your face. ( Your comments now seem so first-world, don’t they?)

9 If you are a writer, do not discuss your characters as if they are real. If you do, at best, you will find people avoiding you. At worst, you will be talking to someone who has an imaginary friend that they believe would be a perfect protagonist for your next book. (Sure, glad you mentioned them, right?)

8 If you are a writer, do not discuss your latest plot breakthrough. If you do, at best, you will be given laundry to do. At worst, the entire family will suddenly disappear, knowing you can’t wait to tell them how you solved the plot hole. (Maybe the weather is an excellent subject to discuss.)

7 If you are a writer, do not discuss your latest review. If you do, at best, you will be talking to someone who couldn’t care less. At worst, you could be talking to a person who just finished your book and had not thought of the negative points brought up by the reviewer and has to leave quickly to downgrade their review on Amazon. (I hear bourbon is an excellent treatment for foot in mouth disease.)

6 If you are a writer, do not discuss your book with friends. If you do., at best, they will all pledge to read and review your book, and you know they won’t. At worse, you will tell some spoilers, and the person you are regaling with the tale now has no reason to buy and read the book. (Might have been your only sale this month)

5 If you are a writer, do not discuss how hard it is to market your book. If you do, at best, the person you are talking to will not understand anything you are saying. At worst, they may ask, “Who forced you to write the damn thing anyway?” (The word touche has perfect application here.)

4 If you are a writer, do not discuss your book with your partner. If you do, at best, you will get a smile and a head nod. At worst, you might get some advice that you know you will not follow. (Your ignoring the guidance will only become critical if your partner reads it and sees you didn’t follow the advice.)

3 If you are a writer, do not discuss your royalty arrangements. If you do, at best, you will confirm that your writing is a hobby. At worst, you will demonstrate to others that you have entirely lost your mind in pursuing a writing career. (Maybe keeping that day job is a good idea.)

2 If you are a writer, do not discuss word counts. If you do, at best, the person who is listening to your minimum production will be polite enough not to walk away. At worst, you will be talking to someone who thinks one hundred of anything is a lot and will be so blown away with your thousands they will expect you to buy dinner. (The joy of being a word millionaire.)

1 If you are a writer, do not discuss formats, downloads, Amazon, cover art, fonts, or KDP. If you do, at best, the person will be so impressed that they won’t fall asleep immediately. (only temporary, however) At worst, your conversation will be interrupted by a phone call even if you didn’t hear the phone ring. (You were on a roll, and gotta wonder how long can a phone call last?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Changing Internet, Phone, or TV Providers

March 28, 2022March 27, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 83 Comments

Originally posted on April 13, 2015, when a new provider was needed. However, I think these might still be useful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do When Changing Internet, Phone, or TV Providers

10 If you are changing providers, do not expect anything to work that day. If you do, at best, you will be frustrated. At worst, you will need someone handy to apply some electroshock to bring you back. (This technology should not be so difficult.)

9 If you are changing providers, do not let them touch anything until verifying the price. If you do, at best, the price will be the same as agreed. At worst, some clod in the sales department quoted you a price on just half the equipment, and now the COD charge is twice the quote. (and your other provider has already disconnected your service.)

8 If you are changing providers, do not let the tech leave until you try everything. If you do, at best, there will be no batteries in the remotes. At worst, your internet and TV resemble something driven by a captured mouse on a wheel that hasn’t had a square meal in weeks. (Maybe Edison put this stuff together.)

7 If you are changing providers, do not let them come to the house until they have confirmed your old phone number will be ready to hook up. If you do, at best, you will be given a temporary number until your old number is available. At worst, the old number will not be available for a few weeks, and in the meantime, your number is one digit off from an all-night at-home massage service. (The company’s name is Happy Ending, which should tell you something.)

6 If you are changing providers, do not think all your precious recordings on the old DVR will stay with you. If you do, at best, you will be surprised. At worst, you will sadly realize those episodes of NCIS that you were going to watch over the summer no longer exist, and you will have no idea how the season and the series end. (Sure, you could subscribe to a streaming service if your credit score exceeds 25.)

5 If you are changing providers, pay no attention when the tech says, “Oh-oh, that’s not good.” If you do, at best, you will lose confidence in getting service quickly. At worst, you will be drawn into a conflict between the tech and his home office over whether or not you are in the TV service area. (It makes you feel like you live on an island.)

4 If you are changing providers, do not plan on getting anything else done that day. If you do, at best, you will be hard-pressed to cancel plans. At worst, you will have planned an important meeting that was to take place in the afternoon but since the tech is still working you have a decision between getting TV, Internet and phone service or keeping your job. (Not much of a choice. Take the entertainment.)

3 If you are changing providers, do not suggest to the tech that there might be a better way to install something. If you do, at best, the tech will ignore you. At worst, the tech will follow your direction, and because you were not clear, you now have a significant hole in the wall between your living and dining room and a not-so-attractive black cable running across the floor. (be careful and don’t trip on that thing.)

2 If you are changing providers, do not plan on downloading those large files from work. If you do, at best, your temporary download speed will mean the job will be finished sometime in June. At worst, the sensitive Federal documents and files you are attempting to download show up on your neighbor’s computer. (Sadly, your neighbor works for WiKi-leaks, and now a Homeland Security SWAT team is pounding on your front door.)

1 If you are changing providers, do not plan on using the equipment for at least three days and twenty-four hours on the cell phone with the customer and technical support. If you do, at best, you will be wondering why you are participating in this particular hell. At worst, we will be watching the late news seeing you on top of the provider’s customer care center blinded by bright searchlights and being ordered not to jump. (or even worse, to put the automatic weapon down)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Doing Your Taxes

February 28, 2022February 27, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 94 Comments

Since it is Tax season, I thought you would enjoy a post from March 2, 2015, giving hints on what not to do while preparing your taxes. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Doing Your Taxes

10 When doing your taxes, do not rely on the brother-in-law’s advice on what is deductible. If you do, at best, you may miss the audit lotto this year and be safe. At worst, you could be fielding several questions from several agents of the IRS. (Your brother-in-law has already received his whistleblower fee.)

9 When doing your taxes, do not ask your partner to find the receipts that you carefully put somewhere but can’t remember where. If you do, at best, you will have to endure a lecture about organization. At worst, the ensuing argument will consume the next three days until discovering the receipts in the back seat of your car. (See, a trip to the Mother-in-law has its benefits.)

8 When doing your taxes, do not think of waiting until the last minute, thinking there will be some miracle where the government will postpone the filing date. If you do, at best, you will overstress your already limited schedule. At worst, you will be so rushed that you will leave off-key required elements of the filing. The forms need to be signed, for example. (Forgetting essential elements will place you in the IRS slush pile of “those we want to talk to.”)

7 When doing your taxes, do not have large cups of coffee or a Big Gulp near your worksheets. If you do, at best, you may only have rings from the containers on your return. At worst, the biggest cup will be knocked over and inundate the work. (Your tsunami of soda forces a redo, and like that Ikea chest, there is stuff left out.)

6 When doing your taxes, do not think all your expenses are deductible. If you do, at best, you will not be audited and have missed a chance to lose twenty pounds in sweat. At worst, your case will be turned over to an agent nicknamed “Big House Harry.” (So named for the number of convictions sustained with his investigative prowess.)

5 When doing your taxes, do not think the extra cash you earned mowing lawns is not reportable income. If you do, at best, if caught, you can always cite your failing memory as the excuse and beg forgiveness. At worst, you and the head of a drug cartel nicknamed “shive” will be prosecuted under the same money laundering statute. (Better make nice on the short bus transport while handcuffed together.)

4 When doing your taxes, do not find the cheapest tax preparer who claims the largest refund. If you do, at best, you may be disappointed when your refund turns into an amount you owe. At worst, you are watching the evening news to see your preparer being hauled out of his office in handcuffs. (It seems he leads a tax fraud scheme where refunds are redirected to his offshore account.)

3. When doing your taxes, do not fill in the boxes if you do not understand what is asked. If you do, at best, you may cause your return to do just that return. At worst, you may unknowingly set up a farm or other type of account that during the audit, you will be asked to produce evidence of the cattle and chickens for which you inadvertently deducted the feed and vet care. (Testing the sense of humor of the agent with a picture of your dog is a bad idea.)

2 When doing your taxes, do not write off clothing donated to a charity when you are still wearing the items deducted. If you do, at best, the agent will not notice during the audit that the fuchsia sweater listed on the return is the same sweater under your raincoat. At worst, the agent doing the examination of your return used to work at Ralph Lauren as an accountant and has noticed the descriptions of a few of your donations are still on your back. (That RL polo shirt is hard to miss.)

1 When doing your taxes, do not spend your refund before you get it. If you do, at best, it will be a little late, and you’ll be on the hook for interest charges on your card. At worst, the return magically turns into IOU when the government corrects all the math errors. (A bill collector named “Crusher” is pounding on your front door.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2022February 13, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 83 Comments

Since today is Valentine’s Day (Happy Day to all), I thought you would enjoy a post from February 2015. I hope you enjoy the list.

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Since most of America goes bonkers to create the perfect Valentine experience, I thought it would be a good idea to list some things that just might cause the Day to backfire. One thing to keep in mind, Valentine’s Day does not in itself become the measure of the value of a relationship. However, mess it up, and there will be a substantial discount on the relationship’s value for the foreseeable future. So here is the list. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day

10 On Valentine’s Day, do not accept the phrase “We love each other and don’t have to show it on an obvious Hallmark holiday” as the truth. If you do, at best, you might be able to work your way back into good graces in due time (like at Christmas). At worst, your loved one will present you with the most touching card and gift, which will immediately cause your scalp to sweat and the urge to run off a nearby cliff that can’t be covered with a last-minute run to Wal-Mart. (The only cards left at this hour are the big lace-lined mushy verses to grandma, and who wants to be a valentine with grandma? Well, maybe grandpa.)

9 On Valentine’s Day, do not plan an expensive dinner out as your gift. If you do, at best, you will be seated next to the restroom after a two-hour wait. At worst, the waiter will announce the regular menu has been replaced with the $300.00 per couple Prix fix tasting menu, which has everything you and your partner would call Terminex to come to get. (Don’t forget the ten flights of wine which only someone in trouble with alcohol could finish)

8 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a gift even remotely related to sex. If you do, at best, you may be using the gift yourself. At worst, you will be broadcasting a desire that may not be mutually felt, and your partner may feel uncomfortable and pressured to engage in some activity. (This will probably end up badly, not to mention an intervention by the local community police)

7 On valentine’s Day, do not think it is the thought that matters. If you do, at best, you will only survive the following year with the belief that you will part with a little more cash on a better gift. At worst, you will be forced to endure the sympathies of your partner’s friends as expressed on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. (Also, the notoriety that comes from the YouTube video of your paltry gift, which goes viral with over a million views, is all yours)

6 On Valentine’s Day, do not make anything by hand that you hope to pass off as a sentimental offering. If you do, at best, be prepared to see your item on eBay priced way below the cost of materials. At worst, the item you handcrafted for the occasion will more than likely be the item you uncover in a remote part of the garage two years from now. (You notice the price on a tag of $1.50 which has been marked down from $25.00 from several previous garage sales)

5 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy chocolate-covered strawberries from a street vendor. If you do, at best, your valentine will eat off the chocolate and not touch the strawberry. At worst, your valentine will wolf down the whole thing only to discover later in the ER after a healthy dose of Ipecac the claim by the street vendor of 98% salmonella-free fruit was way overstated. (Another romantic ceramic microphone moment)

4 On Valentine’s Day, do not buy a dozen red roses from the guy alongside the highway. If you do, at best, you will make it home before the rosebuds fall off. At worst, the roses will come packed with several kinds of insects, including bed bugs from the local no-tell motel, and, unfortunately, your partner has a rare and severe allergy to Japanese beetles who just have formed an independent state in the rose bouquet. (The embassy should be informed to come to get them)

3 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the chocolates you froze from the last Costco truffle sale will not show signs of wear. If you do, at best, the freezer burn will give you away, and you will be forced to buy some See’s chocolate quickly at the mall. At worst, the truffles will somehow fall apart. You will need to invent a story on how the greenhouse effect has contributed to the instability of the typical chocolate truffle, which your partner will try to verify by making an inquiry on Google. (Sadly, the results rendered your story a complete fabrication)

2 On Valentine’s Day, do not think the commercial cards say precisely what you want to say. If you do, at best, you will settle on something that causes both of you to scream “AWKWARD” after the poem is read aloud. At worst, you failed to read the whole message and find at the end a slight reference to being “good friends,” which will spiral your partner into a troubled space. (Only a qualified therapist will be able to talk them down)

1 On Valentine’s Day, do not think ignoring the Day will eliminate responsibility. If you do, at best, you might be forced into a year of make-up favors. At worst, the brother of your partner left word he wants to talk to you. (You know the one who served with the Navy Seals on three tours in Afghanistan)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

December 26, 2021December 26, 2021 ~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

This post ran on December 29th, 2015. I think there is still some relevant advice. I hope you enjoy it even though it ran one day early.

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Since this is Monday, you should expect a Top Ten list. This week will be the same as the others for the last year. So YES, here is the Ten Things Not to Do list (although a little late today). This week’s list was inspired by a New Year’s Eve party I attended (or maybe many). I’m not saying if I was a perpetrator of any of these things, but I hope you enjoy them.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on New Year’s Eve.

10 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to set a personal record for alcohol consumption. If you do, at best, your evening will close early. At worst, New Year’s Day will represent your personal purgatory, just begging for relief. (Getting off your knees might be the first step to redemption)

9 On New Year’s Eve, do not set resolutions that you think would be great to accomplish if you were a superhero. If you do, at best, you will not last a week on your new plan. At worst, you will consider your failure at resolutions to be among one of the many failures for the year. (Now you need to be talked down off the ledge)

8 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your goodwill to humankind feeling leftover from the holidays should be demonstrated by public displays of affection for everyone you meet. If you do, at best, most will try to dodge your advances. At worst, there will be one person who will think you are the new lost love that they have been searching for their whole life. (Now you have someone stalking you for months despite the restraining order)

7 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your stomach deserves to be challenged with copious amounts of strange food. If you do, at best, your later hours will be spent in a degree of discomfort. At worst, your stomach will get even when you least expect it. (Yes, it is two in the morning, and that’s you calling trains into the ceramic microphone)

6 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your off-key singing throughout the year will suddenly get better with the addition of Champaign. If you do, at best, you will still draw the same looks you got for the rest of the year. At worst, you will begin to gather stray cats and dogs who think you are calling them for dinner while singing Auld Lang Sine. (Better find some kibble fast)

5 On New Year’s Eve, do not think your famous green monster punch will be enjoyed by everyone. If you insist everyone try it, at best, your party may end early. At worst, you may be responsible for sending some guests over the edge due to a strong allergy to Everclear and, if not an allergy, certainly a diminished capability for strong drink. (hint green carpet spots never come up)

4 On New Year’s Eve, do not try to surprise your significant other with a mystery destination that you promise will make the best New Year’s Eve ever. If you do, at best, you may have selected a place that has some negative memories. At worst, you may spend the entire evening lost in a strange neighborhood which will not be the best destination. (It might be the most memorable as the prime reason your significant other is no longer significant and not your other)

3 On New Year’s Eve, do not get all romantic if all year you act as if romance was as welcome as the measles. If you do, at best, you will look ridiculous. At worst, you could cause a significant upset to the person you are ordinarily ambivalent about. (How was that first dose of pepper spray?)

2 On New Year’s Eve, do not think it a good idea to put that lampshade on your head. If you do, at best, some will laugh not with you but at you. At worst, the shade is an antique given to the host by a grandmother just before her demise, and now it is on the floor under your fanny after you slipped on a bottle and fell to the floor. (Oh, though you would like to know, the video on U Tube has gone viral)

1 On New Year’s Eve, do not think you have to stay up past a reasonable hour to see in the New Year. If you do, at best, the next day’s activities will be a challenge. At worst, you will throw off your sleep cycle, not to mention nodding off at your mother-in-law’s New Year’s Day family gathering. (The pool of drool on the damask fabric of the antique couch will be your mark forever)