This post ran on July 23, 2018. Here we are in August, almost a month later, facing the same situation.

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The inspiration for this list was yesterday’s high temperature and high humidity.

10 If the heat index is above 110, do not do your 10K run. If you do, at best, your water will run out at 5K. At worst, passersby will wonder what you are doing in the community fountain. (Look like the police wonder the same thing, Edan. I think your reason should be a little better than “Trying to cool off” since only a fool, crazy person, or drunk person would be running today.)

9 If the heat index is above 110, do not fail to say “excuse me” if you accidentally bump into Tiny, the WWF Wrestling champ. If you do, at best, Tiny will be too hot to care. At worst, Tiny, who just walked out of his affiliation addiction support group, will honestly believe you hit him on purpose. (Coupled with the heat and Tiny’s need to be liked, I think you are headed for a harrowing afternoon, Edward. Running will only make him madder.)

8 If the heat index is above 110, do not get out that lawnmower. If you do, at best, there will be no gas. At worst, you will get halfway finished before the case of heat stroke hits you. (The sad part is in addition to the hospital stay, you are in violation of your homeowner’s association rules on lawn care. You better have someone finish the lawn, Efraim, before Mrs. Jones spots that half-done lawn cut.)

7 If the heat index is above 110, do not go tenting as planned. If you do, at best, you won’t need a fire to heat your coffee water. At worst, during the night, the local bear family gets the idea you are a specially prepared dish called a naked ape roasted in canvas. (Yeah, there is no way you are going to talk them out of a meal, Eisa. Might as well give up that sirloin you were going to have tomorrow and count yourself lucky at that.)

6 If the heat index is above 110, do not think you will make it home with that gallon of ice cream. If you do, at best, you should take a spoon. At worst, you’ll arrive home with a leaking container of melted ice cream, which will leave a trail across the new carpet as you head for the kitchen. (I think you might just continue out the back door, Elazar. Pretty hard to explain the new chocolate on the white wool decorating scheme. As you leave, I would do a serpentine maneuver. Harder for a shooter to hit.)

5 If the heat index is above 110, do not think being on a body of water is going to cool you. If you do, at best, the boat has a canopy, so you won’t die. At worst, you will remember the poem The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner as you whisper through parched lips, “Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.” (Time to get on the radio and call for help, Elfred. Of course, you will be lucky if anyone will answer a crazy man.)

4 If the heat index is above 110, do not escape the heat in the corner bar. If you do, at best, the bartender will allow you to stay while sipping one drink. At worst, you will think you have to keep consuming drinks while sitting on the bar stool. (Now that you have beaten the heat tell us how you are going to get home, Elija. You certainly can’t drive and walking is impossible as well. Maybe if you could talk, you could ask for a cab.)

3 If the heat index is above 110, do not go ahead with that cookout. If you do, at best, your guests will all cancel. At worst, they all show up and take on available liquid at an unprecedented rate. (Too bad all you are offering is your famous trash can punch, Elkhanah. It seems that no one is still standing as you serve your equally renowned ribs. Good thing you have lots of floor space.)

2. If the heat index is above 110, do not ignore the power company’s warnings about conserving electricity consumption. If you do, at best, everyone else does, and you have no loss of power. At worst, your electricity shuts down, and you are now faced with a night of sleeping in a house with a heat index of 120. (Why is it that when the electricity goes off, it gets hotter, Elmo? Must be a law of some kind.)

1 If the heat index is above 110, do not forget your children and pets need extra care. If you do, at best, you’ll be lucky that the neighbor rescued them, and they will be fine. We don’t want to think of the worst case. (Just keep them cool, Elwin. And for heaven’s sake, don’t leave anyone in the car, A/C or not. By the way, the neighbor has challenged you to a duel.)

This post was published on July 2, 2018, but I think it has relevance today. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came from Linda Leinen, the author of the terrific blog Task at Hand. 

We were commenting on one of my Top Ten posts, and she wondered, “Have you ever done a Top Ten Things to Do for people who are trying to get caught up online?” I indicated that I could do the reciprocal of that thought, and here it is today. Thanks, Linda, for the question.

Linda has had unique experiences, and visiting her blog will be rewarding.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Have Fallen Behind on Social Media

Here is the list. (Anyone who might think this list is serious, please be advised it is a broad satire statement regarding our phobic belief that social media is indispensable)

10 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not make up an excuse like, “I have been so busy being successful with my new bestseller; I just haven’t had time for you little people.” If you do, at best, you’ll lose a few followers. At worst, you might wake up to the sound of crickets on all your social media accounts. (Where did all those followers go, Ermanno?)

9 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not panic and accept a friend request from just anyone. If you do, at best, you may have a long list of people you don’t know. At worst, you might accept a friend request from Tiny, the WWF champ, just after his online romance fell apart. (You gotta hope the one hundred direct messages from Tiny are just a fluke for today, Ervin. Heaven knows you don’t want to unfriend him. Ever.)

8 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not think that by posting more, you will be back sooner. If you do, at best, it will just make the problem more intense. At worst, now your followers will think you are having some kind of psychological break and will hit unfollow faster than a duck on a June bug. (Never thought more is less, did you, Esbjorn?)

7 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not just delete all the comments to which you cannot respond. If you do, at best, some will not notice. At worst, a large group of followers will think you passed away and will start a GoFundMe campaign for a memorial. (That is if you are well-liked, Eskil. More than likely, there will be a host of unfollows)

6 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not check yourself into a treatment center. If you do, at best, you’ll be discharged immediately as a ‘nothing wrong here person.’ At worst, you’ll inadvertently make up some mental problem, which will take ten weeks of group therapy before you are set free. (That will teach you to run away from your problems, Este. Now what?)

5 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not run away to a cabin in the woods. If you do, at best, you’ll aggravate the bears. At worst, while you are off the grid, a new social media form will be invented, and when you return, you will be hopelessly behind this one as well. (Ever hear of Moore’s Law, Eumaeus. You are now in the dark ages.)

4 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not attempt to compensate by eating ice cream. If you do, at best, the time spent eating will get you further back. At worst, your ice cream bill and your extra pounds will go up in equal proportions. (It doesn’t help to eat ice cream while on a stationary bike, Eurypylus.)

3 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not call the suicide hotline. If you do, at best, they will hang up. At worst, you’ll get someone who has a difficult time understanding the severe nature of your angst and will start cracking jokes about your condition. (You have to admit, Eustis. Your problem is pretty minor compared to that of other folks.)

2 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not call 911 for help. If you do, at best, the line will be busy. At worst, the officers dispatched to your house will hand you a citation for a false emergency. (Of course, Everard, there could be a minor miracle where one of the officers is behind on social media as well. If so, you are saved.)

1 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not think all those busy folks who stay current with you will simply ignore your faux pas. If you do, at best, you will experience the sound of silence. At worst, you must curry forgiveness by inventing an ironclad excuse. (The only reason that is not debatable as to its harmful interference with your social media obligations is to tell everyone you are recovering from brain surgery. Of course, Evyn, you can’t fall behind again.)