In Keith’s words. “Using this photo(below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put your offering (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before Sunday evening UK time. If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please also mention it in a comment here.
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next time.”
This post was originally published on September 14, 2015. I think we can squeeze in a bit of learning from it still. I hope you enjoy it.
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This list is inspired by watching some of the funny things people buy solely because they are being offered at a discounted price. Of course, I’ve taken the list to extremes (which I’m sure you have come to understand by now), but the spirit still lives.
Top Ten Things to Pass Up Even if on Discount
10 Even on discount, do not purchase cut-rate bungee jumping lessons. If you do, at best, you will only be scared poopless. At worst, your family will wonder what you were thinking as they hold a memorial for your three-foot-tall body. (Not to mention that you are six feet wide as well)
9 Even on discount, do not purchase cut-rate meat. If you do, at best, you will only miss a couple of days’ work. At worst, you will be one of the morbidity statistics as the USDA issues a countrywide recall of the E-coli tainted horse meat. (It tasted good going in, right?)
8 Even at a discount, do not buy a truckload of cut-rate toilet tissue. If you do, at best, you will spend more on storage than the original price. At worst, you will be selected for the Dr. Phil TV show segment “Am I full of it since I can’t stop myself from feeling like I need more toilet tissue.” (You’ve noticed how thin the paper is and have taken appropriate action, right?)
7 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate hair restorative product. If you do, at best, you will need to explain your new Day-Glo orange color to the boss. At worst, you will be going through the day answering to the name Uncle Fester and fielding cue ball and reflecting head jokes. ( You always thought Yul Brenner was cool looking, right?)
6 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate wrinkle injection. If you do, at best, you might resemble Donald Duck for a few months. At worst, you read about your doctor being accused by the FDA of using industrial silicone for some procedures, and now you know why you haven’t been able to feel your cheeks. (You do look good, though.)
5 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate parachute for skydiving. If you do, at best, you could experience the thrill of trying to slow down with a tattered canopy. At worst, you will make a lasting impression in the field as you land without the benefit of an active drag-creating device. (Looking as if you did it on purpose doesn’t help the bystanders forget.)
4 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate beer. If you do, at best, you will have all the taste and satisfaction of drinking carbonated defrost. At worst, you will realize your mistake as you read the label and see that the product is 99% salmonella free. (You only noticed that after six bottles, right?)
3 Even at a discount, do not buy cut-rate gold. If you do, at best, you won’t notice until the day your neck and finger turn green. At worst, you will realize that you have paid the highest amount of money for the least amount of gold, and you thought a pound would be a good buy. (you now have an attractive doorstop. Don’t get it wet.)
2 Even at a discount, do not buy cut-rate fruit. If you do, at best, you will have enough left after you cull the spoiled to make one salad. At worst, the USDA you may call to ask you to donate your generations of fruit flies to genetic research. (And you thought those spots in front of your eyes resulted from too little sleep.)
1 Even at a discount, do not buy a cut-rate used car. If you do, at best, you will understand the phrase “Get a horse.” At worst, you might be called by your homeowner association to move what they interpret as a mobile home for stray animals out of your driveway. (It seemed like a good idea to leave the windows down to circulate fresh air since the thing wouldn’t run, right?)
Usually I would have a tour here but today is one of those days that a lighthearted time just doesn’t seem appropriate. We all were stunned into disbelief twenty-one years ago. As a nation, we were horrified that anyone had the lack of humanity to destroy innocent lives in such a brutal manner.
The leaders of this attack have been eliminated and we are left with the memory of the crime. Those who lost mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters are left with the heartbreak of living a life devoid of the warmth and love that was taken away.
Let’s remember those who were lost and those left behind and pray for peace.
A look out the back windows confirms the Mosler safe is still half buried in the backyard. For those of you in the dark, last week, a safe came out of the sky. Inside was someone who looked like Yosemite Sam in his underwear. Good, now we are all caught up. (Please don’t try to understand what a safe is doing falling from the sky. Just go with it.)
A hardy thump on the espresso machine brings it to life and produces a ten-ounce mug of soothing syrup before my hearing goes out. Before approaching the safe again, several long sips of the coffee takes priority over anything to follow.
Communing with my thoughts is suddenly disturbed by the shrill sound of the klaxon warning horn announcing someone at the front door. Having successfully gotten Lucy and Twiggy to stop throwing themselves at the door, my attention turns to the security control panel. I disengage the iron gate, concertina wire, bouncing betty land mines, stinger rocket launchers, tower machine guns, automatic boiling oil dispenser, and all double locks and bolts.
It is time to open the door. As it swings inside, the sight of an odd device is visible sitting on the drive. Looking right and left and deploying the heat-sensitive scanner, it appears no one is on the porch. Approaching the contraption brings into focus a label attached to one leg. The label reads Trebuchet -Acme Amalgamated Industries. Distributed by Daniel Conti Enterprises, Granger, Indiana.
Scratching my head, trying to figure out what the heck this thing is, my central nervous system takes a jolt from a piercing voice from the unexpected. “Dad gum it. What’s the matter, boy? Never seen a Trebuchet before?”
Aghast and Jumping almost out of my skin, I realize on the way down that the Yosemite Sam-looking character has snuck up behind me. “I didn’t see you on the scanner.” This was the best that could be said through my constricted throat. “You varment. I’m wagering that there machine doesn’t pick up figments of your imagination.”
Sam was right. It only picks up heat from living organisms, not some ghost from my imagination. Sam motions me to come closer and hands me an envelope. Before the question, “How long are you going to be here?” is asked, he disappears. Now the only things left are a safe in the back yead, this Trebuchet, and an envelope that must be from Linda Hill. Sure enough, when opened, the message reads: Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “a word that contains a silent letter.” Choose a word that contains a silent letter and use it in your post, or write about words with silent letters in general. Enjoy!
Today’s Good News was submitted by dear friend Harmony Kent from the UK. She thought we would all enjoy it and sent it on. I have reproduced it here in its entirety. (Left the British English alone.) Thank you, Harmony.
Leeds: M62 motorist brings sick driver’s car safely to a stop
A car whose driver had fallen seriously ill while at the wheel on a motorway was brought to a halt by a quick-witted motorist who had realised his plight.
John Barlow said he spotted the Audi going slowly in the outside lane of the M62 near Leeds on Saturday. The driver was slumped with a bloodied face.
Mr. Barlow managed to get his car ahead of the Audi and eased it to a stop before getting out to help the man.
It emerged the driver had suffered a seizure but was well enough to go home.
Mr. Barlow, 59, from Middleton in Greater Manchester, said he first noticed the Audi travelling slower and slower and he pulled alongside to see the driver.
“He looked dead at the wheel. I could see his lips were blue, and he had blood trickling down his face,” Mr. Barlow said.
He pulled into the lane ahead of the Audi, which was travelling at about 30mph (48km/h), before taking his foot off the accelerator and bringing both cars to a stop.
IMAGE SOURCE, PA MEDIA
Image caption,
John Barlow used his car to stop the vehicle after he spotted the driver was seriously ill.
The incident happened at about 15:15 BST on Saturday (September 3) on the M62 eastbound carriageway between junctions 29 and 30, a West Yorkshire Police spokesperson confirmed.
Officers said a man in his 70s had fallen ill, and Mr. Barlow’s actions to stop the car had prevented a “potential serious collision.”
IMAGE SOURCE, JOHN BARLOW
Image caption,
Mr. Barlow pulled in ahead of the ill man’s vehicle and helped ease it to a stop.
After the Audi was stopped, another man helped Mr. Barlow break into the vehicle.
He opened the seriously ill driver’s airway by tilting his jaw backwards, at which point the Audi driver took in a gasp of air.
Other drivers also stopped at the scene, bringing the four-lane carriageway to a halt.
A physio and an off-duty police officer took over the first aid until paramedics arrived.
Meanwhile, a doctor on the opposite carriageway of the M62 travelled to the next junction, turned round, and battled through the backed-up traffic to get to work with a defibrillator.
Mr. Barlow said: “Everyone was amazing, it was a real team effort. They got the man on the floor, then the doctor jumped in as well.”
IMAGE SOURCE, JOHN BARLOW
Image caption,
Motorists stopped to help the seriously ill driver, who had suffered a seizure at the wheel.
Mr. Barlow had been travelling to Pontefract with his wife Kirsty and son Joey, 7, to pick up a new kitten at the time of the incident.
The next day, he received a call from West Yorkshire Police thanking him, and he was told the driver had suffered a seizure but was well enough to go home.
He said he hoped to meet the man he saved in the future, adding: “I’d shake his hand and give him a hug.”
The good news here is someone cared enough to save a life. Today’s JohnKu talks about caring. I hope you all have a delightful weekend.
In Keith’s words. “Using this photo (below) as inspiration, write a short story, flash fiction, scene, poem; anything, really; even just a caption for the photograph. Either put your offering (or a link to it) in a comment or email it to me at keithchanning@gmail.com before Sunday evening UK time. If you post it on your own blog or site, a link to this page would be appreciated, but please do also mention it in a comment here.
Go on. You know you want to. Let your creativity and imagination soar. I shall display the entries next time.”
Here comes the wife. I’ve got this snake right where I want him. If I stop playing, he will strike, and I am a dead man.
“Good morning Ravi.”
“Mum hum.”
“Is that all you can say on a glorious day like today?”
“Mum hum.”
“We have some things that you and I need to discuss.”
“Um?”
“Could you put down that silly punji and talk to me?”
“Muff a luffla.”
“I can’t understand you. I think you are playing off key too.”
“Mamfp.”
“Okay if you are not going to stop, here’s what I have to say. First of all you seem to spend a lot of time here in the marketplace yet I don’t see any mony coming home.”
“Ruggerle rap.”
“That’s not all. We have the need to fix the roof. Where are we going to get the money?”
“Merp?”
“My shoes have holes and I can’t even affored the newspaper to fill them.”
“Uk?”
“Those paans make my mouth water yet we can’t affored even one.”
“Upt.”
“I give up. Either stop this stupid nonsense with the basket and snake or I’ll have to ask my mother to come live with us to help.”
“Eeek. Alright my dear. I’ve stopped playing and soon your troubles will be over.
“You going to get a job?”
“Better. My snake and insurance policy will be all you need.”
This list ran on September 21, 2015. I think it is still relevant. I hope you enjoy it.
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This list is inspired by having some unpleasant experiences with items purchased without having the luxury of trying them out first. Although extreme, this list is representative of some of the potential disappointments a buyer can experience in shopping online.
Top Ten Things Not to Buy Online
10 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cosmetic kit that promises an instant youthful appearance. If you do, at best, you’ll learn that what seems too good to be true is too good. At worst, you will need an intervention by an expensive dermatologist just to remove the facial mask. (And don’t you look good with a Jim Carrey green mask?)
9 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cheap juicer that claims to be as good as the $700.00 version. If you do, at best, you will still be able to use a spoon to eat the pulp that is all you can produce. At worst, the overload on your electrical system as the juicer tries to extract carrot juice will kill your lights and the entire East Coast grid. (And you thought your last electric bill was high)
8 If you are shopping online, do not buy that used car advertised to run like new. If you do, at best, you might get at least fifty miles before your first breakdown. At worst, the claim of running like new had small print where they were referring to a new Yugo. (Yes, that smoke you smell is coming from the engine compartment)
7 If you are shopping online, do not buy that bargain-priced pacemaker. If you do, at best, you may wonder why you are getting the Chicago Bears radio broadcast in your chest. At worst, you may figure out the thing does not keep pace according to the Western ecology. (Yes, it is noon, and you are sound asleep)
6 If you are shopping online, do not buy the do-it-yourself appendix removal kit. If you do, at best, you will have a fool for a patient. At worst, it will be difficult to perform the work and read the instructions. (Yeah, the picture of the appendix looks fuzzy to me too.)
5 If you are shopping online, do not buy those pharmaceuticals that are half-priced. If you do, at best, you won’t be ingesting pharmaceutical-grade cement. At worst, you will have to deal with why your symptoms won’t go away. (Cornstarch is a miracle product but not for the treatment of illness)
4 If you are shopping online, do not buy that half-priced airplane engine part. If you do, at best, you’ll have plenty of warning before it fails, which is not critical. At worst, you will learn maybe too late Murphy’s law of airplane parts which states, “The criticality of a plane engine component is directly proportional to its original cost.” (So the half price was attractive up to the point where the ground and you meet un-expectantly)
3 If you are shopping online, do not buy that hotel room at 70% off. If you do, at best, you will only suffer from no view other than the brick wall outside your window. At worst, you will return from your cheap trip only to discover you have brought home some rare and highly reproductive things that move fast when the lights go on. (That is an interesting rash you have there)
2 If you are shopping online, do not buy that robot kit priced way below what you have seen elsewhere. If you do, at best, you may be able to assemble it even though several parts are missing. At worst, once your new robot is ready, you realize it now has control over your house and a Napoleonic complex. (Sure is fun saluting a robot, isn’t it?)
1 If you are shopping online, do not buy that sale-priced action Xbox games. If you do, at best, you’ll find out on level three that your cheats no longer work, and you get killed every time. At worst, in the course of playing the game, you suddenly realize that it is for real, and now you are running for your life. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Hey, look out, that guy has an ax.)
Since not much is happening in Lakeway this week, I thought we would just take a bike ride and check up on a few things. I’ve still ordered catering from Dee Dee’s Thai food truck in Austin. Our entertainment is Allman Brothers.
Menu
Pad KaPow – Spicy stir-fried pork sauteed in our homemade chili paste, with fried Thai basil & fried egg. Comes on jasmine rice, a side of chili fish sauce, “pik nam pla,” & sliced cucumber.
Laab Moo – VERY SPICY!! North-eastern style minced pork cooked in our slow roasted herbal chili rice powder, Thai herbs, mint, lime, onion & cilantro. Served with sticky rice & sliced cucumber.
Om Gai (Stew) – Spicy rustic herbal chicken in our homemade chili-paste broth, with dill, lemongrass, spring onion & Thai basil. Served with sticky rice.
Tofu Stir-fry – Tofu, broccoli, zucchini, carrots, cherry tomatoes, and mushrooms. Stir-fried in our homemade chili paste, Northern Thai sauces & spices.
Som Tom (Papaya Salad – Original) – Fresh green papaya salad bashed to order with cherry tomatoes, green beans, Thai chilis & peanuts in our tamarind fish sauce. Served with sticky rice.
Isaan Som Tom (Fermented Pungent Papaya Salad) – VERY SPICY! Pungent, funky papaya salad with our house fermented fish sauce & salted crab shell (“Puu Plaa Raa”) with Thai chilis bashed to order. Served with sticky rice.
Moo Ping – Single order is snack size with two sweet & savory pork skewers, marinated in our special sauce for 48 hours. Served with a small side of sticky rice & tamarind-based dipping sauce. Eat with your hands! To make it meal size, double the order!
Pickled Salad – Light and refreshing vegetable side dish. 8oz container.
Mango & Sticky Rice – Mildly sweet Thai dessert. Sticky rice massaged & soaked in coconut milk overnight w/ sliced ripe mango and a coconut milk drizzle on top.
Thai Iced Tea – Black tea over ice with condensed milk and a splash of half and half.
Plus anything else you want to drink.
So hop on your bike, and let’s go.
A reminder that we live with the deer.
And as luck would have it, we come upon a yard full of deer and a Toyota.
Looks like the monster house is starting to get ready for Halloween already.
Thes bouganvilla look terrific. Had to use the zoom feature to get them, which is a little blurry.
The Texas sage is in bloom from the rain. Here is what a well-trimmed bush looks like.
Here is what a not trimmed bush looks like. Way more blooms.
An older fawn crossing the road.
Two younger fawns out on their own.
A deer and Labor Day decorations.
Vinca flowers everywhere.
Mexican birds of paradise in the foreground and crape myrtle in the background.
I hope you enjoyed the bike ride and will have a super week. Kick off those sports shoes and relax with Thai food and the Allman Brothers. Rambling Man described the post today.
Why does the sun go on shining? Why does the sea rush to shore? Don’t they know it’s the end of the world? Cause you don’t love me anymore. Dusty Springfield’s song End of the World goes through my head as the espresso machine orders a descale before dispensing my life-saving fluid. More time and more waiting lead to a friendly smiley face on the control screen, followed by the unmistakable snorts of the brewing process.
Ten ounces of Columbia’s most well-known liquid safely in the mug allows the contemplation of another Saturday. A move to the back porch promises a relaxing interlude with nature. Unfortunately, such a promise is broken by an annoying whistle that continues to increase in volume. It suddenly dawns on my caffeine-starved awareness center that the increasing volume indicates something falling from the sky. The closer, the louder until the pain of the sound is almost unbearable, and tightly closed eyes have the wish that it will cease.
Like a miracle, suddenly, it stops and is followed by what can only be described as an undulation of the earth and a debris downpour. Yes, as you may have surmised, something big has fallen from the sky and into the backyard. The coffee in my mug has been half emptied by the force of the contact and then magically half filled by small pieces of dirt. Since it is no longer serviceable, I set it down and walk cautiously toward the steaming crater in the turf.
Reaching the edge of the hole, the words Mosler Safe are clearly visible on the front of the steel rectangle. There is a combination lock and handle just waiting for closer inspection. Climbing into the crater, I touch the combination dial, which is still warm. I always crack safes by inputting the date of Christmas, so I turn the dial to the right to twelve, then back left past twelve to two, and then to five. There is a loud click, and sure enough, the handle allows me to open the door.
“Dagnabit cose that door. You’ll make me catch my death of cold.” The voice is one I recognize, and of course, it is someone who looks like Yosemite Sam, but for some reason, he is in his underwear. I hope I don’t startle him, so I say quietly, “Can I help you?”
“Help me? You dadburn tenderfoot. I’m here to help you. Here take this letter and shut the dadgum door.” I do as he says and walk back to the porch. I open the envelope, and sure enough, it is from Linda Hill. Before wondering how the heck Yosemite Sam got into a Mosler Safe in his underwear, I tear open the letter. It says Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “start with why.” Begin your post with the word “why.” Have fun!
