Tag: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636

~ John W. Howell ~ 59 Comments
Wikipedia Image

This was the weekend that we moved daughter into her new house. With all the work I did not have time to do an adequate job of a Top Ten Post. This post ran on October 29th, 2018. I hope if you missed it you will enjoy it. For those who have seen this one, next week will be better. Also, I’m over at Story Empire today talking about burnout. Here is the LINK

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This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with history as a backdrop. Harvard College, the oldest institution of higher learning in the United States, is founded in Cambridge, Mass on this day in 1636.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636.

10 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not suggest a celebration with a kegger party. If you do, at best the kegger store will be closed. At worst, the administration will create a rule against keggers. (Congratulations, Fyodor. You are the first student at the college to be put on probation.)

9 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not pledge a fraternity where Tiny the WWF champ is a member. If you do, at best Tiny will flunk out before you get there. At worst, Tiny who was just criticized by the dean for necessary hazing had ordered you to bend over. (Let’s hope the dean lecture has not made Tiny even angrier, Frederick. Is that paddle as big as it looks?)

8 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not organize a demonstration protesting the dorm food. If you do, at best no one will join you. At worst, the college put you in charge of food procurement. (Looks like your fellow students are getting tired of squirrel stew, Falcon. I think I would try to raise a few vegetables if I were you.)

7 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not cut class on the first warm day. If you do, at best you can get notes from the nerd, At worst, your professor will pull a pop quiz that is 20% of the term grade. (No amount of begging is going to help, Fallon. I would go to the infirmary and see if you can con someone into an excuse.)

6 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize a football team. If you do, at best no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll find some players who are ready to play but can’t see a ball. (Looks like you will have to make one, Fraser. Try to get it a little rounder okay. That thing looks like a fat sausage.)

5 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not go outside wearing that Yale sweatshirt. If you do, at best no one will notice since Yale was founded in 1701. At worst, someone will take offense thinking Yale is an acronym for Young American Liquor Enterprise. (You have to understand the Puritan Ethic is still pretty strong, Fiorello. The time in the stocks will go fast. Think positive.)

4 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not fail to return your library book on time. If you do, at best the fine is only 1p a week. At worst, a press-gang will come looking for you. (It would have been easier to return the book, Ferril. Now you won’t get back to the College until your sea duty is over. Five years will go pretty quickly.)

3 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize the first co-ed dance. If you do, at best your fellow students will just laugh. At worst the administration will pass a rule prohibiting co-ed dancing. (Good luck finding a co-ed, Fabrice. The first sex-blind admissions were not until 1977. Oh, and you need to serve time on the dunking chair due to the rule violation. I hope those hold your breath contests come in handy.)

2  If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not park your horse in the faculty parking lot. If you do, at best no one will need the space. At worst, professor Curmudgeon will alert campus security to shoot you on sight. (Never thought taking a tenured professor’s parking place was that big of a deal, huh Faddei. Those musket balls look like they would hurt.)

1 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not buy your books ahead of time at the used bookstore. If you do, at best you might save money. At worst, the professor will change the course text with no notice. (Well, looks like your used books will make an excellent fire starter, Fadil. Better luck next term)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Battle of the Alamo

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

As you may know, I’m deeply into preparing to launch my next book, Eternal Road – The final stop. Part of that preparedness is to author a number of guest posts and announcements. Since tomorrow is the kick-off I hope you will forgive me running a post from August 27th, 2018. If you have seen it before thank you for last time. You may also like to visit Story Empire today since I’m there talking about the benefits of doing a preorder period with Amazon. Here is the link.

https://storyempirecom.wordpress.com/2020/08/31/to-pre-order-or-not-to-pre-order-that-is-the-question-a-look-at-the-benefits-of-pre-order/

 

Alamo

The inspiration for this list is the idea of matching Ten Things Not to Do with historical events. I hope you enjoy this one.

10 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think offering margaritas all around is going to help anything. If you do, at best, everyone will be too busy to take you up on the offer. At worst, only the best shooters on your side decided to have a couple and now can’t hit the broad side of a barn. (I guess you were hoping the Mexicans would be in a similar shape, huh, Fritz?)

9 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if you can borrow his gun. If you do, at best, he’ll just say no. At worst, since he extremely nearsighted, he may mistake you for a Mexican soldier and give you a body slam over the wall. (It only hurts getting up, Felco so, I would just lay there.)

8 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not walk around eating a bean burrito. If you do, at best you will have to share. At worst, from far away, a sharpshooter may mistake you for a Mexican Federal soldier. ( I know you were hungry, Freddie, but the food of the day is hardtack and salt pork. Tortillas are the other side food of the day.)

7 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not wear your Santa Anna Sucks t-shirt. If you do, at best, no one will notice. At worst, Santa Anna will want it as a souvenir.  ( I think you heard him right, Faris. He said he didn’t care if it was bloodstained or not. Just give it to him.)

6 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not ask Davy Crockett for an autograph. If you do, at best, he’ll just laugh. At worst, he’ll give you a lesson in flying. (You could flap your arms more, Farid, but I think you are going to hit the ground pretty hard. That wall is quite high.)

5 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not tell someone you know all about cannons if you don’t. If you do, at best you won’t be asked to fill in on one. At worst, you’ll be put in charge of the only cannon that guards the entrance. (Now what did the manual say, Fabumi? Load the ball then light the fuse? Or was it the other way around? You better hurry looks like those doors won’t last another minute.)

4 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think it is time to start Spanish lessons. If you do, at best, you may learn a few words. At worst, whether or not you speak Spanish will not help you in the end. (It looks like the order of the day is take no prisoners, Fadeyka. I think it’s going to take a little more than a few “holas” and “Buenos Dias” to save you.)

3 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think that sombrero and serape will be an effective disguise. If you do, at best, no one will laugh at you. At worst the troops will consider you a spy. (You know what they do to spies, Fallon. Dump that outfit now.)

2 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not wave that “Come and Take It” cannon flag from the Battle of Gonzales. If you do, at best, you will make the Mexicans angry. At worst, you will be singled out for elimination. (That flag has been a sore spot since the Texas revolution began, Falk. No need to start that fire again.)

1 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not make plans for your summer holiday. If you do, at best, your heirs will have to cancel. At worst, you may lose some of your deposits. (I guess no one told you that getting out of the Alamo was a feet-first proposition, huh, Farnley?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Around the World Solo flight with Wiley Post in 1933

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

 

Top Ten Things not to do
“Winnie Mae” a Lockheed Vega aircraft of Wiley Post, in Steven F. Udvar-Hazy Center. By Jarek Tuszyński / CC-BY-SA & GDFL, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=3658502

This week marks the 87th anniversary of Wiley Post’s solo flight around the world, which he accomplished in 1933. We all would love to be with him on the plane. There is one problem in that If we join him on the flight it would not be a solo for him. I think we can work out something where time travelers don’t count as real people. (Oh, come on. Work with me here.) If you want to go, you need to take a list of things not to do so that we don’t put a big ole rip in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Around the World Solo flight with Wiley Post by John W. Howell © 2020

10. If you are going on the flight, do not ask if we are there yet. If you do, at best, Wiley will be too busy to hear you. At worst, since you said it just after take-off, Wiley is going to let you test the spare parachute. (I think it would have been good to wait a little linger, Lyonia. After all, the flight lasted 7 days, 18 hours, and 49 minutes. Yeah, that strap goes between your legs. No, I don’t know what you yell, going out the door.)

9 If you are going on the flight, do not ignore Tiny the WWF champ when he tells you your suitcase is too heavy. If you do, at best, Tiny will get distracted. At worst, Tiny will figure out a way to lighten it for you. (You see, Lysander, Tiny is in charge of loading the plane, and he is not used to being ignored. Oh, look. He has dumped your suitcase on the tarmac. You sure that is your suitcase. Those are pretty fancy unmentionables you have there.)

8 If you are going on the flight, do not ask when the beverage service starts. If you do, at best, the noise of the aircraft will effectively mute you. At worst, Wiley will offer that you test the guest parachute, but unfortunately, it has already been tested by Lyonia. (This presents a problem, Liam. I think I would tell Mr. Post that you are okay for now. Might be more comfortable than learning to skydive with no chute.)

7 If you are going on the flight, do not ask where the first-class section is located. If you do, at best, Wiley will think you are joking. At worst, when he discovers you are not, he will make you a private first-class section in the back. (Don’t look now, Lucas, but you are sitting in what used to be called the mailbag section. I agree it is not very comfortable. Too bad you can’t stand up either.)

6 If you are going on the flight, do not touch anything in the cockpit. If you do, at best, it won’t be essential. At worst, you just shut off the Sperry autopilot device. (I would tell Wiley, Levi. Yeah, he’s going to be mad at you, but that will be better than getting lost over Russia.)

5 If you are going on the flight, do not make fun of the plane’s name Winnie Mae. If you do, at best, Wiley will be on the radio and not hear you. At worst, he’ll explain that the plane was named after his first mentor’s daughter. (Now you have a choice, Leo. Give a big ole apology or take a big ole step into the atmosphere. I thought you would choose the former.)

4 If you are going on the flight, do not pretend you know how to speak Russian. If you do, at best, there will be no need for an interpretation. At worst, the autopilot will need repair, and the only place to stop is Russia. (What are you going to do now, Lawrence? The instrument needs repair, and everyone is looking at you for directions. I think it might be time to hit the way back button. Those Russian soldiers don’t have much of a sense of humor.)

3 If you are going on the flight, do not ask Wiley Post about his eyepatch. If you do, at best, he will ignore you. At worst, he tells you the story of how he lost his eye in great detail. (Hold on Lorenzo. Wiley is getting to the exciting part where a piece of drilling equipment took his eye in 1926. I know it is a little gruesome, but you had to ask.)

2 If you are going on the flight, do not bring up Wiley’s career as an armed robber. If you do, at best, he will want to laugh it off. At worst, he’ll tell you the story. ( You’ve heard the expression, “If I tell you then I’ll have to kill you?” Lance.  Well, Wiley did 12 months for stealing a car in 1921. He does have a murderous look in his eye.)

1 If you are going on the flight, do not ask Wiley how many award miles you will get for the trip. If you do, at best he will not understand you. At worst, he will tell you that you will have earned enough miles to win a Bentley Turbo. (You have to wonder why he keeps laughing, Larry. I think you may be the butt of a Wiley flying solo 1933 joke.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Globe Theater Burns Down in 1613

~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments

Top Ten Things not to do.

 

Today marks the 407th anniversary of the burning of the Globe Theater in 1613. If you want to travel back to that time, you better take this list so you won’t inadvertently make a mistake that could cause a tear in the time continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Burning of the Globe Theater in 1613.

10 If you go, do not mention that it would not be a significant loss. If you do, at best it will be to someone who doesn’t speak English. At worst, You might be overheard by William Shakespeare himself. (Nice going, Leodegraunce. You wonder why William is so livid? All his plays make their debut at the Globe. Now he will have no venue for performances. Yes, he is getting a pitchfork, and I don’t think he intends to fork hay.)

9 If you go, do not try to tell Tiny the WWF champ how to put out a fire. If you do, at best, he will be too busy to hear you. At worst, Tiny has never been too good at receiving criticism. (You see, Leone. Tiny was left on a doorstep when he was 21, and he hasn’t gotten over the rejection. Oh, I see he is trying a new chokehold on you. Blue is not your color, trust me.)

8 If you go, do not offer to call 911. If you do, at best, you’ll be misunderstood. At worst, Will asks you what 911 is. (As you recognize your mistake Leonidas, Will is getting more agitated as another timber falls into the pyre. Sooner or later he’s going to take it out you. I see him over there with poor Yorick’s skull. He is giving you the stinkeye.)

7 If you go, do not ask if the building was insured. If you do, at best you’ll be talking to an actor who knows nothing. At worst, you’ll mention it to one of the Lord Chamberlin’s Men. (The Lord Chamberlins Men is Willaim Shakespeare’s acting company, Leron. The guy you asked was the one who was supposed to buy insurance but forgot. I think he wants to kill you.)

6 If you go, don’t suggest that maybe plays could be given in the town square. If you do, at best you’ll ask one of the sweepers. At worst, you will ask one of Will’s actors James Burbage. (The actor named James Burbage was the one who had the idea to build a theater in the first place, Lethe. In 1574 the Common Council of London decided to tax performances in public places. So James built his own theater to avoid the tax. When his lease ran out, the timbers from James’s place were used to create the Globe. This was one way to avoid being taxed for using public land for performances. Now James is whispering to Will and there is that look again.)

5 If you go, do not suggest a smaller theater next time. If you do, at best, you’ll make the suggestion to the bartender. At worst, Will will overhear you. (The globe could seat 1000 and have standing room for another 1000, Liander. The folks that stood paid a penny to get in. The people that sat paid 6 pence. Now, if you figure a loaf of bread cost a penny then, On one performance to show you his take, Will could buy 7000 loaves. You think he would want a smaller venue? In fact, he is heading this way looking a little cross.)

4 If you go, do not suggest having hot food at the next theater. If you do, at best, you are talking to a firefighter. At worst, your suggestion of having a flambe duck on the menu will be overheard by Will. (I think you will agree, Lichas, anything connected to fire will cause Will to become unglued. I think he might be ready to toss you out.)

3 If you go, do not suggest that the first play in the new theater be Henry VIII. If you do, at best, the person you are talking to has long stopped listening to you. At worst, you’ll make this suggestion to the producer of the last performance of Henry VIII. (You wonder why he has turned pale, Linc. It was a faulty cannon shot during the production of Henry VIII, which started a fire in the beams and thatching. I think you better get going. He is going to recover very soon and might want to smite you.)

2 If you go, do not tell anyone that a new theater will be built and opened in only a year. If you do, at best you won’t be believed. At worst, Shakespeare will want to know how you came to have that information. (Now you are in a fine kettle of fish, Linden. How are you going to explain your time travel status? I think I would try to convince Will that you are a magician and just disappear.)

1  If you go, do not agree with anyone who calls the theater a den of sin. If you do, at best, Will doesn’t find out. At worst, those folks you agreed with are Puritans. (They have used your opinion as one more vote, Lindsay, and were successful in shutting down the Globe Theater in 1642 along with every other theater in London.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Lewis and Clark Expedition in 1804

~ John W. Howell ~ 91 Comments

 

 

Lewis, Clark, and Sacagawea

This last week marked the 216th anniversary of the beginning of the full Lewis and Clark expedition. On May 14, 1804, Clark and the Corps joined Lewis in St. Charles, Missouri, and headed upstream on the Missouri River to try and find a water passage to the Pacific Ocean. This is one journey you won’t want to miss. If you go take along this list so maybe you will stay out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Lewis and Clark Expedition in 1804.

10 On the expedition, do not insist that the expedition started in Pittsburgh in November of 1803. If you do, at best, the men will ignore you. At worst, since most came with Clark in 1803, you might make some enemies. (You see, Lorne, Meriwether Lewis and a few of the crew picked up a keelboat in Pittsburgh in 1803, but the full complement of 45 souls including Lewis, Clark, 27 unmarried soldiers, a French-Indian interpreter, a contracted boat crew and a slave owned by Clark named York.)

9 On the expedition, do not refuse Tiny, the WWF champ, when he wants to trade his handmade moccasins for your LL Bean boots. If you do, at best, you better use the excuse that you and Tiny are not the same size. At worst, you and Tiny are the same size, and your refusal is being interpreted as pure rejection. (Tiny missed his last dependency group session where he was to be given advice on how to handle rejection. He is now left up to his own devices. Yeah, Leroi that pinwheel over the head just before the mat slam is part of it. Try not to hold your breath. It doesn’t hurt as much when you land if you don’t.)

8 On the expedition, do not try to help with directions. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, Lewis and Clark will take your comments as a lack of confidence in their leadership. (Now you’ve done it, Lorence. You have made a backseat driving move that might get you left behind. If it happens, be sure and ask for a musket. The bears are pretty wild around here.)

7 On the expedition, do not sit in the peace pipe ceremony and then declare you don’t smoke. If you do, at best, everyone will think you are joking. At worst, you will break the spell and the peace process. (You may wonder why everyone is looking at you, Loki. I think you can interpret the looks as a dead man walking.)

6 On the expedition, do not ask Sacagawea out on a date. If you do, at best, she’ll just say no. At worst, she will tell her husband, French-Canadian trapper Toussaint Charbonneau. ( I hope you have your running shoes on, Lazarus. If there is one person you don’t want to mess with is a trapper. The fact that Toussaint is French-Canadian and does not take guys hitting on his wife lightly, I would start running now and don’t stop until you hit St. Louis, which is about 290 miles East.)

5 On the expedition, do not accept an invitation from Meriwether Lewis to go hunting. If you do, at best, the event will be uneventful. At worst, there is a hunting accident. (Since Lewis was shot in the butt during one of these trips, Lucky.  Hopefully, you stayed in front of him. If not, here take this band-aid.)

4 On the expedition, do not offer to do the cooking for a night. If you do, at best, the group will politely decline. At worst, they will be enthusiastic about seeing what you can do. (The only thing there is to eat is the dog, Lennox. I hope your Beef Bourgogne recipe is adaptable or this may be the end of the trip for you.)

3 On the expedition, do not offer to watch out for all the specimens collected. If you do, at best you will get a polite no. At worst, Lewis and Clark will take you up on your offer. ( I hope you knew, Lex that there are 120 animal specimens and 200 botanical samples. Good luck with toting all of that stuff. Also, some of those animal specimens are getting real gamey.)

2 On the expedition, do not complain about sore feet. If you do, at best, no one will listen. At worst, those who hear your complaint will think you’re a softy. (Everyone has traveled the same 8,000 miles, Lev. Your claims have fallen of deaf ears.

1 On the expedition, do not expect the same rewards as Lewis and Clark. If you do, at best, you’ll be disappointed. At worst, you overvalued your importance to the mission. (Since both Lewis and Clark received double pay and 1600 acres of farmland, Len. Perhaps they will share it with you. Of course, maybe someday pigs will fly as well. )

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Congress Authorizes Daylight Savings Time in 1918

~ John W. Howell ~ 99 Comments

Top Ten Things not to Do

 

This post is an updated repeat of last year. Since Daylight Savings Time is so near and dear to us all, I thought you would enjoy a re-run.

This week marks the 102nd anniversary of Congress authorizing Daylight Savings Time, which set up the legal precedence for the states to take action. So if you were there or plan on a time trip, the following list is designed to keep you from making any mistakes that might result in a time warp or tear.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Congress Authorized Daylight Savings Time by John W. Howell © 2020

10 If you were there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not think the action is a big joke. If you do at best, you’ll be early or late to everything. At worst, you will finally realize that the fun will last for a hundred and two years. (Tired of laughing yet, Gairbeth? Join the rest of us.)

9 If you were there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not push your protest sign into Tiny the WWF champ’s face. If you do, at best, Tiny will ignore you. At worst, Tiny, the newly elected Senate sergeant-at-arms, will give you a demonstration of the latest wrestling hold he just learned from the Senate pages. (Don’t worry, Gall. The loss of feeling in your lower body will come back in a couple of days. In the meantime, I would grab things to keep you from falling down.)

8 If you are there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not bring your confused cow to the protest. If you do, at best, you will not be allowed in the chamber. At worst, your cow will be called upon to testify, and your entire argument will hinge on a simple yes or moo. (You were told to bring credible witnesses to prove as to the inconvenience of DST, Galvin. The rest of us have to suffer due to your lack of follow-through. Just wait until you get back to 2020. Does the word “goat” mean anything to you?”

7 If you are there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not say the mnemonic “Spring forward, fall back” out loud. If you do, at best, not many will catch on. At worse, those who hear you will think you are in favor of the move. (Now you are facing an angry crowd, Gamal. How are you going to explain the rationale for the change? I think most folks get the fact that their morning work trip will be in the dark. To do what? Allow everyone to play outside after dinner?)

6  If you are there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not brag loudly that your smartphone automatically resets the time. If you do, at best, most will think you’re drunk. At worst, the local constable will look at you much closer. (He does not look like someone you will be able to fool, Gannon. You better come up with a plausible explanation for that cell-phone. Oh, and you know it doesn’t work in 1918 right?)

5 If you were there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not try to convince everyone that they get an extra hour’s sleep in the fall. If you do, at best, those with kids will laugh you out of the room. At worst, the crowd will take you for a shill of the government. (Looks like someone is lighting a fire under that tar bucket, Gardar. Maybe there’s going to be an old-fashioned tar and feathering soon. I hope you aren’t the honored guest.)

4 If you are there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not list the 23 ways changing time harms health. If you do, at best, you’ll cause concern. At worst, you may cause the Center for Disease Control to put a stop to your free speech. (you see, Garnet, this whole DST thingy is a government plot to keep you confused about your everyday life. Think about going to work in the dark. Confusing no?)

3 If you were there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not try to convince those near you that the farmers need the daylight at night to milk the cows. If you do, at best, there will be no farmers nearby to contradict you. At worst, your words reach the Grange farmers co-operative. (Don’t look now, Garrey, but a delegation from the Grange is heading in your direction. It seems that they would rather have the sunlight in the morning and believe you are behind the change. My, those pitchforks look nasty.)

2 If you were there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not show folks how to set their digital watch. If you do, at best, you will scare them away. At worst, some brave ones will take you for an alien. ( Looks like there is going to be a trial by twelve angry men, Garry. Gotta wonder about the drinking and exactly how fair that trial will be. I think I would take the opportunity to skedaddle if I were you.)

1 If you were there when Congress authorizes daylight savings time, do not offer to organize a clock changing party. If you do, at best, no one will want to celebrate. At worst,  some of the celebrants will get out of control. (Looks like the constable is going to be a calling, Garuda. Best to get your story straight about minding your own business when a bunch of roughnecks busted into your place, drank all your liquor, and then hit the town. I’m sure he’ll believe you. Well, maybe a slip out of town move might be better.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Mardi-Gras Celebration in New Orleans in 1827

~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

 

Mardi-Gras

 

This week marks the 193rd anniversary of the first Mardi-Gras celebration in New Orleans. This event just cries out for a visit. Of course, there are some precautions needed, so take this list and try to stay out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Mardi-Gras Celebration in New Orleans in 1827 by John W. Howell © 2020

10 If you are there, do not stand in the french quarter, expecting a big celebration. If you do, at best you’ll miss some crowds. At worst, you will lose the party. (You see, Ken, St Charles street was where the celebration started with a bunch of college students who were trying to duplicate the fun they had in Paris the year before. It looks like you may have to come back next year. Then again, since you are a time traveler, you can pick any year.)

9 If you are there, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ for some doubloons. If you do at best he won’t hear you. At worst, since Tiny missed his last three obsessive-compulsive paranoia group help sessions, he will not be sharing his doubloons today. (In fact, Kamal you have now caused him to believe you will try to steal his stuff. Don’t worry about the landing after that helicopter spin. Tiny usually tosses his opponents into the crowd. Most of them are pretty soft. The crowd, not the toss)

8 If you are there, do not take off your shirt, expecting someone to toss you something. If you do, at best no one will see you. At worst, your lack of a shirt will have been noted by the sheriff. (Looks like you are being written up, Kiley. Not for your public display, which one would expect but for the fact that you frightened several of the horses. How bout you put that shirt back on, okay?)

7 If you are there, do not go into a pub and order a Hurricane to drink. If you do, at best you won’t be understood. At worst, the barkeep will think you are making weather jokes and toss you out. (That’s because the Hurricane was invented at Pat O’Brians bar during World War II when whiskey was in short supply and rum plentiful. It looks like your landing on the street was less than dignified, Kameron. Don’t touch anything until you get a shower.)

6 If you are there, do not ask when the parade will begin. If you do, at best, people will not know what you are talking about. At worst, they will think you have been overserved and call the police. (You are a little early for parades, Kevan. The first did not happen until 1857 when the Krewe of Comus began the idea. (No matter how you try, Kristopher, you are not going to convince that policeman that you haven’t been drinking.  Maybe they will name a parade after that wacky guy who kept asking where the parade was being held. Or perhaps not.)

5 If you are there, do not shout at people to throw you beads. If you do, at best you’ll get some strange looks. At worst, people will wonder if you have lost your mind. (The problem is, Kenton the idea of tossing beads from a float came about in the 1880s when a guy dressed as Santa started the tradition. Here come some guys with a costume they want you to try on. Yeah, they don’t call it a straight jacket for nothing.)

4 If you are there, do not tease the constable’s horse. If you do, at best, you’ll have your foot stepped on. At worst, the constable will take offense since he considers his horse a part of the family. (Also, Kofi you are courting a bonk on the head since the constable got a new billy club for his birthday, and he has been itching to try it out.)

3 If you are there, do not ask the Beignets vendor if he has one that is jelly-filled. If you do, at best he just arrived from France and can’t speak English. At worst, you have asked the president of the Keep the Beignet Free from the New World Contamination Society. (It is now time to put those running shoes to the test, Kristoff. That guy has a big knife, and I think he intends to do you harm. He had vowed to murder the next person who denigrated his precious Beignets, and the last one just left.)

2 If you are there, do not let a kid bet you that he can tell you where and when you got your shoes. If you do, at best you only lost a ha’penny. At worst, you were so sure he couldn’t, you bet him all your cash. (You now know, Kiernan that the kid told you you got your shoes on Bourbon Street right now. I guess you have no choice but to pay up. Besides those four big looking guys seem to be with the kid.)

1 If you are there, do not add Tobasco sauce to your gumbo until you taste it. If you do, at best you’re from Texas and can stand the heat. At worst, you will need a gallon of water and three days to recover your voice. (Running around screaming about the flames in your mouth will get you little sympathy, Keiren. You will be labeled a tourist from that time on, and people will avoid you at all costs.)

Ten Things Not to Do If You are Asked to Go to the Grocery Store

~ John W. Howell ~ 89 Comments

 

Top Ten

The inspiration for this post was an interview with Jill Weatherholt last Friday, where I admitted to being banned from the grocery store. This gave rise in the comment section an idea by Jill that I detail in a Top Ten post what not to do if one is asked to go shopping. I agreed only to discover I had done one similar in July of 2015. So, I gave that one a revision, and here it is.

Ten Things Not to Do If You are Asked to Go to the Grocery Store

10 If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best, you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class on the principle of wasting money. (Nice job, Jerren. All those necessities determined by you are now waiting with you in line while that person ahead of you pays their water bill in pennies.)

9 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to make substitutions of items on the list. If you do, at best, your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that just doesn’t make sense. (Just when do pork rinds take the place of saltines, Jasen. The fact that you like them better will not help you.)

8 If you are asked to shop, do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on listening and memory enhancement. (So, you had the coupons in your pocket, Javan. We all know the out of sight out of mind principle, but you would think the risk of life might offset it)

7 If you are asked to shop, do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best, some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices, and your bill will be above the all-time high ever for the same items ( That will not be a good thing, Jayce. It’s going to be a long time till the $8.00 a pound grapes are forgotten.)

6 If you are asked to shop, do not think you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best, you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and its effect on the environment. (You have to remember, Jaye. Those cloth bags were an investment in the children’s futures. What is wrong with you? Don’t you care about the future?)

5 If you are asked to shop, do not think your newness will excuse you from checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best, a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, the manager will call your spouse and request a lifting of your shopping privileges. (Imagine the humiliation, Jayron. This one is not going to go away. It has the half-life of a thousand years.)

4 If you asked to shop do not think, you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot, creating a puddle of mayonnaise paired with orange juice, pickles, and Black Butte Porter. (No, Jayvee. You cannot go back into the store and ask for a refund. You bought it, you own it.)

3 If you are asked to shop, do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries, including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky. (I have to admit, Jazmina the beef jerky did look good. That hickory-smoked variety looked especially delicious. No, I don’t want to buy it from you.)

2 If you are asked to shop, do not take Tiny the WWF champ with you. If you do, at best you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst, Tiny will insist you host a poker game this week, and require you to buy all the snacks and beer. (Explaining what happened, Jedi might be a best selling novel. Also telling Tiny no, especially after he has skipped his self-image group session might get you a free helicopter ride.)

1 If you are asked to shop, do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best, you will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (That big box of chocolate marshmallow Trix might be difficult to explain, Jedrik. I certainly hope you enjoy it.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Spa Vacation

~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

Because of the Super Bowl getting in the way of my creative time, I am republishing a post from February 6th of 2017.  I hope you enjoy.

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The inspiration for this list came from looking at possible spa vacations and then deciding to pass after reviewing all the material. I hope you enjoy the list and for those who love spa vacations, I am very envious since you obviously have a good feeling about yourself.

Ten Things Not to Do on a Spa Vacation.

10 On a spa vacation, do not sign up for anything you don’t understand. If you do, at best you will learn what you don’t like at a high cost. At worst, those funny words turn out to mean “tortured until you confess.” (Sad thing is you don’t know what to admit huh, Bunky?)

9 On a spa vacation, do not fall asleep in the sauna. If you do, at best you will wake up before dehydration sets in. At worst, your dreams of lost in the desert will, in fact, be a reality and that oasis is a mirage. ( Being a conscript in the French Foreign Legion wasn’t on the itinerary was it, Buford?)

8 On a spa vacation, do not think the phrase “essential oils” really means not optional. If you do, at best you’ll experience a new meaning to the term, “greasy.” At worst, you cannot find a place to sit, lie, or stand where you don’t slide off and end up on the floor or ground. (So everyone thinks you are drunk huh, Bosco. You shouldn’t care until CNN shows up)

7 On a spa vacation, do not think the robes are gifts of the hotel. If you do, at best you’ll pay the $75.00 each charge without complaint. At worst, the head of security will be called over the loudspeaker to look through your bags at checkout since housekeeping reported the robes missing.(Right now Tiny the WWF champ is walking across the lobby, and the look on his face gives you the chills. You sense he has been looking forward to this all day don’t you, Buster? Can you say strip search?)

6 On a spa vacation, do not sign up for the mud baths if you are unsure of the source of the dirt. If you do, at best you will imagine all kinds of things in that mud with you. At worst, once you realize that Bayou Baths is a combination of river mud, crawfish droppings, and decayed vegetation you’ll never feel clean again regardless of the number of showers you take. (The brochure said “all-natural” so what’s the complaint, Furd? Sure you got a little in your mouth, but you’ve had worse.”)

5 On a spa vacation, do not think massage words are the same as outside life words. If you do, at best you were careful in describing the service you were expecting. At worst, the light-hearted comments about deep massage will have you begging to be saved. (Let’s not even mention how you mumbled aloud something about the ending, Tex.)

4 On a spa vacation, do not try to influence the music choice of the staff. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worst, the esoteric music that you thought was annoying has now been replaced by heavy metal favorites played on a flute, harp, and oboe. (Makes the nails on the chalkboard analogy seem inadequate huh, Rube?)

3 On a spa vacation, do not ignore the hot stone warnings. If you do at best aloe vera will ease the pain. At worst, you will now be mistaken for an Olympic athlete who had undergone suction treatments. ( Of course, you could also be mistaken for an idiot who doesn’t pay attention to warnings, Stu. I Love that line of circles down your back.)

2 On a spa vacation, do not think a seaweed wrap is a luncheon menu item. If you do, at best your cries for rescue will be ignored. At worst, as you struggle to free yourself from the grip of the slimy seaweed you inadvertently roll into the hot tub. ( Now maybe the stuff will cook off huh, Buddy? Can you say Miso soup?)

1 On a spa vacation, do not think you can request your favorite food. If you do, at best you will get zucchini prepared like your favorite food. At worst, the staff will believe you need a “cleanse interdiction,” and you will spend the rest of your holiday fearing to be more than ten steps from a ceramic chair. (Man, that juice tasted so good going down didn’t it, Bubba? Do you think they put jalapeno peppers in there?)