Tag: Ten Things Not to Do

Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of the Wizard of Oz in 1938

~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

 

Wizard of Oz

This week marks the anniversary of the opening of the movie The Wizard of Oz in New York City in 1938. Since we all want to attend that gala event, we need to take our Top Ten Things Not to Do list so that we can enjoy the evening and not create an incident or tear in the time continuum. All set? Let’s go.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of the Wizard of Oz in 1938.

10 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not think anyone will appreciate your cosplay attempt with the lion costume. If you do, at best no one will take your photo. At worst, since cosplay is a thing of recent history, the zoo will be called, and you’ll be netted. (This is a fine kettle of fish you’ve gotten yourself into Iapetus. At least there’s plenty of red meat served. I would keep an eye on that big fella over there. I think he likes you.)

9 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not let Tiny the WWF champ see you cut in line. If you do, at best you can make friends with the person you cut in front of quickly. At worst, Tiny, who was just warned about the evils of line cutting by his boss, has decided to make an example of you. (Stop screaming, Idris. Tiny will eventually stop twirling and slam you to the pavement. Then it will be time to scream.)

8 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not make any comment about the Munchkins. If you do, at best they’ll be too busy to hear you. At worst, your comment regarding size challenge will not go unrevenged. (How does it feel being carried aloft by one hundred hands, Ignat. I hope you enjoy the ride cause the next stop is the Hudson River.)

7 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not sing along with Dorthy on the song Over the Rainbow. If you do, at best the music will be loud enough to drown you out. At worst, the theater management will finally find you. (They thought you had brought your cat to the performance, Iliya. Looks like you better say a quick goodbye to your seatmates.)

6 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not think it amusing to arrive on a pink horse. If you do, at best traffic will be so bad you’ll never get to the front door. At worst, you’ll come face to face with the militant leader of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. (The leader makes the Wicked Witch of the West appear to be a girl scout, Imad. That umbrella feels like a billy club, doesn’t it? Best to ride out of town.)

5 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not ask the concession person for a copy of the DVD. If you do, at best you’ll get a box of raisinets instead. At worst, the concession person thinking you mean to hold up the stand will whistle for the police. (Now you have the pleasure of explaining what a DVD is, Imanol. Maybe it’s better to say you meant raisinets after all.)

4 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not ask to try on the ruby slippers. If you do, at best Judy Garland will say no. At worst, you’ll get them on. (Now what are you going to do, Indra? You have size fives on your nines and no way to get them off. You’re lucky there is not a real witch Glenda. She would send you back to Kansas.)

3 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not ask the Winged Monkey King for an autograph. If you do, at best he won’t have a pen. At worst he might decide to take you back to the tower to share a lunch. (Don’t look now, Iolo but the term, “share,” has a different meaning to the Flying Monkeys)

2 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not ask auntie Em for a cookie. If you do, at best she won’t hear you. At worst, you will be the one-millionth person to make that request. (So auntie decided to give you something for your effort huh, Ionakana? Here take this steak and put it on that eye. The swelling will go down in no time.)

1 At the opening of the Wizard of Oz, do not shout out, “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.” If you do, at best no one will know what you are talking about. At worse, when that part comes in the movie, and the audience realizes you shouted a spoiler. (Time to leave your seat, Iowereth. There are about 300 movie goers who want a piece of you. Guess what? There aren’t that many pieces to go around.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Applience and Furniture Shopping

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do

Since a better part of our time has been spent in Appliance and Furniture shopping lately,  I have picked up on a few hints of things to avoid. I hope you enjoy them. Again this week there are historical events that don’t really lend themselves to humor.

10 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not try out the cooktop with your favorite pasta recipe. If you do, at best you’ll have to feed the entire store. At worst, the manager will insist that now that you’ve stained it you own it. (Sad thing, Hyatt. You don’t even like this model. Oh well, ten years from now you can change it out.)

9 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not tell Tiny the WWF champ that in spite of store policy you insist on rolling the floor sample refrigerator out the front door. If you do, at best Tiny will help. At worst, Tiny just left the store meeting where the manager underscored the need to enforce store rules. (Tiny’s way of handling conflict does not bode well for your health, Hunt. I would make sure you have your health insurance card with you.)

8 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not think you can test the mattress overnight. If you do, at best you’ll be asked to leave at closing time. At worst, you manage to avoid store folks and are locked in for the night. ( Two things wrong with this situation, Huntley. One, the restroom is locked. Two, the motion detector is connected to the alarm which is connected to the SWAT headquarters. How do you like the smell of tear gas in the morning?)

7 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not test out the couch while eating that jumbo hot dog. If you do, at best your napkin is secure. At worst, a small slip of mustard turns into a couch in your living room. (Too bad you didn’t want a white sofa with a mustard accent, Hassan. Think of what a great conversation piece it is going to be.)

6 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not mention the warranty. If you do, at best the clerk won’t follow-up. At worst, you’ll be forced to listen to an hour presentation. (Makes you not want to buy the appliance, Horus. After all, if it needs an additional warranty maybe it’s not worth it.)

5 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not sit on a chair is smaller than you. If you do, at best it is stronger than you think. At worst, your bulk caused the chair to give way. (Lucky you, Hewitt. That chair was one of a kind made in France in the 1700s by the designer to Louis XIV. Better call the bank for a loan.)

4 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not touch the blender. If you do, at best it is unplugged. At worse, you hit the puree button, and the whole thing goes airborne. (At least there was nothing in the blender, Habib. Think if there had been a tomato in the hopper ready for blending. As it is that scratch on the counter looks pretty bad.)

3 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not put your head in the oven. If you do, at best no one is looking. At worst, those coils on the underside of the top have a habit of catching hair. (So now we have the entire store over to the oven, Hadden. Not one person knows how to release you. Oh, wait here comes the fire department.)

2 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not go into the glassware section. If you do, at best you won’t move. At worst, you will turn around to leave and run into the seven-tier Waterford crystal goblet display. (That tragic sound of breaking glass announces doom, Hael.)

1 If you are shopping for furniture or appliances, do not offer advice on things you do not understand. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worse, your suggestions will be taken, and you both will regret your decision. (Just what made you comment on that table, Hafgrim? You know your taste is in your mouth. Should be a friendly reminder to keep your opinions to yourself. Well, for the next twenty years that is.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Mormon Exodus to Utah in 1846

~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. February 10th marks the anniversary of the beginning of the Mormon exodus from Nauvoo, Illinois to the Salt Lake Valley in Utah. The year was 1846, and the first Mormons began the long trek led by Brigham Young. If you have the ability to time travel, please take this list before joining the expedition. It could keep you out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Mormon Exodus to Utah in 1846.

10 If you are on the trek, do not ask to borrow a cup of flour from your fellow traveler. If you do, at best they will pretend not to hear you. At worst, the trail captain will assume you have not rationed your supplies. (Everyone was told to be careful, Gizur. You now are ordered to the end of the line where it is rumored the mountain lion does her food shopping )

9 If you are on the trek, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if you can ride in his handcart. If you do, at best he will think you are joking. At worst, Tiny, who just spent time in a group session on compromise, cannot refuse you. (In fact, Tiny insists that you take turns riding and pushing the cart. Let’s see, Glyn. You weigh 150 pounds and Tiny 300. This may be a long walk.)

8 If you are on the trek, do not think you can skip church service. If you do, you’ll be given a second chance. At worst, the elders will decide your fate. (You have found the elders do not have a sense of humor regarding missing church, Godofredo. It may be time to merely attend rather than have to pull that heavy wagon alone.)

7 If you are on the trek, do not ask, “Are we there yet?” just after leaving Illinois. If you do, at best no one will answer you. At worst, your wagon driver will require you to sit down a be quiet for the rest of the trip. (Talk about boring, Godwin. There is no license, or I Spy  game to play either.)

6 If you are on the trek, do not start singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall. If you do, at best your driver is not a Mormon.  At worst, you are in Brigham’s wagon, and now you have to walk. (Isn’t it strange, Goodwin how one man’s feast is another’s poison. Next time sing 99 bottles of sarsaparilla on the wall.)

5 If you are on the trek, do not wish out loud for a stop at Stuckey’s for a pecan roll. If you do, at best folks will think you have the spotted fever. At worst, you will be asked to describe a pecan roll. (Now you’ve done it, Gorka. Once you start talking about a pecan roll, you’ll be on your own with your next adventure trying to outrun the great American Brown bear.

4 If you are on the trek, do not think you need to tell ghost stories around the campfire. If you do, at best most will go to bed early. At worst, you’ll be stuck with old Zeke. (Wouldn’t you know it, Gothfraidh. Old Zeke tells stories that cause your hair to stand on end. No sleep for you tonight)

3 If you are on the trek, do not suggest a side trip to Yosemite Falls. If you do, at best you’ll get some strange looks. At worst, you will be able to take the side trip by yourself. (You only have 600 more miles, Govannon. Don’t worry about the bottoms of your shoes wearing out. You can always wear wooden sandals. Oh, that’s right. You left the ax behind.)

2 If you are on the trek, do not let your sourdough die. If you do, at best you might be able to get new starter. At worst, you will be without bread for the rest of the trip. (You were supposed to keep that dough going, Graeme. No one is going to give you their precious mixture. At least you can make porridge out of flour and water. UGH)

1 If you are on the trek, do not try to drive ahead of Brigham to enter the Salt Lake Valley ahead of him. If you do, at best others will see what you are trying to do and stop you. At worst you enter the valley ahead of Brigham (Can you imagine history recording that you were one of the first into the valley huh, Grandville? How would you feel having altered history in such a way? You would be the time traveler equivalent of a litterbug.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Facebook in 2004

~ John W. Howell ~ 77 Comments

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. On this day in 2004, Mark Zuckerberg founded Facebook in his Harvard dormitory room. If you were there or if you intend to time travel there are things that you should not do. Here is a list that will be handy and keep you from making mistakes.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Facebook in 2004.

10 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not ask him to post pictures of your lunch. If you do, at best he’ll see you to the door. At worst, he will recognize that Facebook might not be the intellectual breakthrough he envisioned. (So now you are responsible for Zuckerberg returning to class, Georgio. The world has lost a game-changing innovation. Or not.)

9 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ to give up his lower bunk so you can sit down. If you do, at best you’ll have to sit on the floor. At worst, Tiny who just returned from the student health clinic after his shock therapy might take your request as a threat to his personal space. (It looks like your training for the 100-meter run starts now, Gergely. Good luck on those stairs.)

8 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not IM him with a request that he visit your Facebook page. If you do, at best he will ignore you. At worst, he will attend and leave you a succinct evaluation. (Wow, never thought you were that incompetent did you, German. Maybe those dancing minions were a little over the top.)

7 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not start a Facebook group called “Zuck’s Zombies.” If you do, at best no one will join. At worst, Mark will figure out that you need to be controlled. (Looks like you have been banned for life, Gerred. Too bad since Facebook is only a day old. The good news is you are the poster child for all those banned with no reason given.)

6 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not start stalking everyone who has signed up for the new service. If you do, at best there will be complaints, but no one knows who you are. At worse, you will be discovered as the perpetrator. (You should have thought this through, Gervase. There are only three of you signed up for the service so far.)

5 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not ask Mark for the phone number of that attractive person in Shaw Hall. If you do, at best he will ignore you. At worst, your request will cause a deeper thought on how much information can be collected and then released to others. (Looks like your request set in motion a lot of data mining for the future, Gian You should call yourself Data Mine Alpha.)

4 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not send out that list titled, Ten Reasons to Go Out with Me to your friend list. If you do, at best all will think you are joking. At worst, your friend list will drop by the number sent. (It appears even in the beginning no one likes SPAM, Gilfred. Well maybe you can start over with fresh friends.)

3 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not send out a video of a cat playing the piano. If you do, at best you’ll get some “likes.” At worst, the ASPCA will want to talk to you regarding your treatment of a cat. (Looks like you were not as anonymous as you thought, Gilleasbuig.)

2 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not tag twelve of your friends to name what they are grateful for today and ask them to tag twelve friends. If you do, at best all twelve will be too busy to see the post. At worst, all twelve will see the post but decide they don’t need this kind of work. (All in all, there will be about 3000 folks who will not know how lucky they are to have your original twelve ignore you, Giovani.)

1 If you are in Zuckerberg’s room, do not post a picture of your latest purchase. If you do, at best it is from Target. At worst, you put up an insanely overpriced luxury item from Neiman Marcus. (Well, Girvin you accomplished making everyone gag at your excessive spending behavior. And you thought they would all be happy for you. Isn’t being a narcissist trying at times?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Henry VIII’s Marriage to Anne of Cleves in 1540

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

 

Anne of Cleves

This post is a continuation of Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. Since Sunday was the four hundred and seventy-ninth anniversary of King Henry VIII’s marriage to Anne of Cleves, I thought if you had an invitation to the wedding I would give you some pointers on how to stay out of trouble. Of course, the marriage only lasted six months but still a beautiful event.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Henry VIII’s Marriage to Anne of Cleves by John W. Howell © 2019

10 If you attend the wedding, do not show up late. If you do, at best no one will notice especially the groom. At worst Henry will spot you coming in late, and by the look on his face, he isn’t happy. (Now you have gone and done it, Gunnolf. Henry was looking for someone to practice his wife removal system, and it seems like you will be the one.)

9 If you attend the wedding, do not try to outdo Tiny the WWF champ on his toast to the bride and groom. If you do, at best Tiny will have had enough champagne and not be offended. At worst, Tiny will have had too much champagne and having just graduated from a Dale Carnegie course on speaking take offense to your action. (Don’t worry, Gustaof. That hammer lock doesn’t usually result in a broken bone. OMG, I could hear that snap from here. My bad.)

8 If you attend the wedding, do not try to bring an old wedding gift of yours to regift. If you do, at best your card will get lost. At worst, the king will recognize the present as the one he gave you at your wedding. (Remember those lands and the castle Hank awarded you last year, Guyapi? They now belong to your idiot brother-in-law.)

7 If you attend the wedding, do not try to make a funny speech after you have had a lot to drink. If you do, at best someone will take you out before any real damage. At worst, you rambled on until you hit one of the kings sensitive issues. (I guess you don’t remember too much about your speech, Gwern. I would begin to make up a perfect apology for that unfunny joke about the three previous Mrs. Henry the Eights.)

6 If you attend the wedding, do not try to upstage the bride and groom with outrageous clothes and behavior. If you do, at best you will look like a fool. At worst, Henry will take note of your action and at the faire, he will pair you with Ivan the Brutal in the jousting match. (Ivan sure has a fast horse and large lance, Gwyddawg. I think you might want to consider just falling off your horse before he makes contact. So you are accused of cowardice. Sure beats a classy funeral.)

5 If you attend the wedding, do not ask for seconds at dinner. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, the chef will ask the king if it is okay to give you another helping. (They say Henry is not moved to anger too quickly, but you have tipped him over, Gustav. It seems he is not pleased to go over his wedding budget by one dinner.)

4 If you attend the wedding, do not insist on dancing with the bride. If you do, at best there will be too many ahead of you. At worst, you get your chance and suddenly remember you don’t know how to dance. (This is somewhat awkward, Gene. You can’t just stand there holding the bride’s hand. Oops too late. Henry thinks you are hitting on his new wife. Can you say sayonara?)

3 If you attend the wedding, do not compliment the king on his choice of wives. If you do, at best he will ignore you. At worst, he will think you are mocking him. (It seems Henry did not want to marry Anne because he thought her too plain. The marriage was annulled six months later but since you are still in the dungeon, Garret, you won’t know. Seems you hit a sore spot.)

2 If you attend the wedding, do not think you can bring guests of your own. If you do, at best they’ll get lost in the crowd. At worst, you will be dismayed to see all your guests fawning over the king. (The king wants to have a word with you, Gace. I think I would just jump the moat and make your getaway.)

1 If you attend the wedding, do not believe the big table filled with gifts is there as favors for the guests. If you do, at best someone will set you straight. At worst, you will be halfway to the door with a gift tucked under your arm when you run into the king. (He wonders where you are going with that gift, Guilio. I think I would tell him you were just returning it to the gift table and then do it. A fast exit is indicated here as well.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do entering King Tutankhamen’s Tomb in 1922

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

 

Top Ten things not to do

This post is a continuation of the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. In 1922, the entrance to King Tutankhamen’s tomb was discovered in Egypt.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Entering King Tut’s Tomb.

10 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not ignore the curse written on the main door. If you do, at best it is just a practical joke. At worst, that look in the mirror ten days later will give you a hint you should have paid attention. (That dry skin mummy look is trying to give you a head’s up to a problem, Faer. Better contact a shaman quickly.)

9 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not disturb that cloth wrapped hulk with the WWF champion belt. If you do, at best it is just a statue. At worst, the spirit of Tiny the WWF champ has been waiting centuries to body slam an opponent. (Well, you woke it up, Fagen. I think you should start looking for a soft landing spot.)

8 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not try any of the preserved food in those gold pots. If you do, at best the food will be dust. At worse, those pickles will have a monumental repeat factor. (Stay close to the facilities, Faine. You just never know.)

7 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not sit on any of the furniture. If you do, at best you’ll pick a solid piece. At worst, you’ll sit in a 4000-year-old chair that has seen better days. ( No need to try putting it back together, Fane. That priceless antique is now sawdust, and the curator is preparing a bill for you right now.)

6 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not touch the king’s sarcophagus with your bare hand. If you do, at best a layer of dust will protect the finish. At worst, the oils from your skin will leave a permanent hand print on the priceless relic. (You may need to confess, Faraz. The CSI is now running the print through an identification process which is bound to lead to you.)

5 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not pull any lever that you may come across. If you do, at best the lever is not connected. At worst, the lever is connected to the trap door under your feet. (Falling through the dark is pretty scary huh, Farnham. Wait until you hit bottom.)

4 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not think you can take a souvenir. If you do, at best the security guy will tell you to put it back. At worst, you will get it home only to discover several Boris Karloff types hanging around your bedroom. (Don’t worry about these guys being see-through, Farquhar. At least they can’t hold a knife.)

3 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not forget a flashlight (electric torch). If you do, at best someone else may have one. At worst you’ll try using a cigarette lighter and end up falling in the coffin with the king. (You can stop screaming now, Farren. The king is not holding you down. That cover merely slammed shut .)

2 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not take a selfie with the king. If you do, at best the picture won’t turn out. At worst, when you look at it, the picture will have some other characters in it which you never saw. (I’m not saying the place is haunted, Farrokh but you now have captured the souls of the king”s guards. Good luck with that.)

1 If you are entering King Tut’s tomb, do not bring your big gulp drink inside. If you do, at best it will be gone before you set it down. At worst, you will set it where someone will knock it over into the King’s sarcophagus. (History records some unknown substance all over the king, Fars. Your secret is safe with us.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

 

harvard

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with history as a backdrop. Harvard College, the oldest institution of higher learning in the United States, is founded in Cambridge, Mass on this day in 1636.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636.

10 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not suggest a celebration with a kegger party. If you do, at best the kegger store will be closed. At worst, the administration will create a rule against keggers. (Congratulations, Fyodor. You are the first student at the college to be put on probation.)

9 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not pledge a fraternity where Tiny the WWF champ is a member. If you do, at best Tiny will flunk out before you get there. At worst, Tiny who was just criticized by the dean for necessary hazing had ordered you to bend over. (Let’s hope the dean lecture has not made Tiny even angrier, Frederick. Is that paddle as big as it looks?)

8 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not organize a demonstration protesting the dorm food. If you do, at best no one will join you. At worst, the college put you in charge of food procurement. (Looks like your fellow students are getting tired of squirrel stew, Falcon. I think I would try to raise a few vegetables if I were you.)

7 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not cut class on the first warm day. If you do, at best you can get notes from the nerd, At worst, your professor will pull a pop quiz that is 20% of the term grade. (No amount of begging is going to help, Fallon. I would go to the infirmary and see if you can con someone into an excuse.)

6 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize a football team. If you do, at best no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll find some players who are ready to play but can’t see a ball. (Looks like you will have to make one, Fraser. Try to get it a little rounder okay. That thing looks like a fat sausage.)

5 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not go outside wearing that Yale sweatshirt. If you do, at best no one will notice since Yale was founded in 1701. At worst, someone will take offense thinking Yale is an acronym for Young American Liquor Enterprise. (You have to understand the Puritan Ethic is still pretty strong, Fiorello. The time in the stocks will go fast. Think positive.)

4 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not fail to return your library book on time. If you do, at best the fine is only 1p a week. At worst, a press-gang will come looking for you. (It would have been easier to return the book, Ferril. Now you won’t get back to the College until your sea duty is over. Five years will go pretty quickly.)

3 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize the first co-ed dance. If you do, at best your fellow students will just laugh. At worst the administration will pass a rule prohibiting co-ed dancing. (Good luck finding a co-ed, Fabrice. The first sex-blind admissions were not until 1977. Oh, and you need to serve time on the dunking chair due to the rule violation. I hope those hold your breath contests come in handy.)

2  If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not park your horse in the faculty parking lot. If you do, at best no one will need the space. At worst, professor Curmudgeon will alert campus security to shoot you on sight. (Never thought taking a tenured professor’s parking place was that big of a deal, huh Faddei. Those musket balls look like they would hurt.)

1 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not buy your books ahead of time at the used bookstore. If you do, at best you might save money. At worst, the professor will change the course text with no notice. (Well, looks like your used books will make an excellent fire starter, Fadil. Better luck next term)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Battle of Waterloo

~ John W. Howell ~ 77 Comments

Waterloo

The Battle of Waterloo by Clément-Auguste Andrieux

This post continues the historical tableaux for the Top Ten Lists. As always I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not volunteer to carry the French Eagle battle standard. If you do, at best your application will be lost. At worst, every British and Prussian soldier will be trying to take it from you. (So how does it feel, Flannery, having 15,000 swords all waving at you?)

9 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not continue to try to meet Emperor Napoleon if Tiny the WWF champ tells you to go away. If you do at best, you may get thrown out. At worst, Tiny who just finished his last group session on self-esteem may think you don’t respect him. (Uh oh. Looks like Tiny is priming that musket, Floinn. Might be a good time to try out the Air Jordans.)

8 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not order Napoleon Brandy as an after-dinner drink while dining with the British Commander the First Duke of Wellington. If you do, at best the restaurant won’t have any. At worst, the Duke’s team will think you a spy. (You just finished your last meal, Fonzie. I hope you enjoyed it.)

7 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not offer to be a Henry Kissinger-like, peace negotiator. If you do, at best you will cause uproarious laughter. At worst one side will take you up on your offer. (But the other side has decided to use you as a target for practice. Might as well put that white flag down, Forrester. It’s not going to stop 15,000 lead balls heading your way.)

6 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, as the brandy example, do not order beef Wellington at Napoleon’s staff dinner. If you do, at best they will all think they did not hear you right. At worst, someone will get the idea that it would be fun to have a dual. (Guess who has been chosen as the duelee, Fortune? Yup. Better find a second fast.)

5 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not take Emperor Napoleon’s horse for a fast getaway. If you do, at best he has a spare. At worst, the horse has been trained to return to Napoleon with a whistle. (This is a fine kettle of fish you have gotten yourself into, Francois. You can add horse thief to the charges of treason, sedition, and spy. Don’t worry though you only have one life to give.)

4 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not ask your British commander about tea time. If you do, at best he will think you are joking. At worst, he will assign you the job of going to the French lines to get a croissant to go with the tea. (I’m not surprised the French started shooting at you, Franky. Everyone knows croissants are for breakfast, not afternoon tea.)

3 If you are at the battle of Waterloo, do not try speaking French to the French to be better understood. If you do, at best you will be disappointed. At worst, your BonJour greeting will be met with a hail of bullets. (I guess it is your American accent that gets in the way, Franz. Try Spanish next time.)

2 If you are at the battle of Waterloo, do not turn your map upside down to get a different view. If you do, at best your general will get dizzy. At worst, the general will order the charge of the Scots Greys in the wrong direction. (Now you are charging alone in the right direction, Frazier. Good luck when you meet the French Chevau-légers of the line  (lancers) They look pretty mean too.)

1 If you are at the Battle of Waterloo, do not keep your souvenir stand open after the first cannon salvo. If you do, at best you will have few customers. At worst, you’ll have to take cover. (The cannonballs seem to be attracted to your stand, Freeowine. Maybe cheap trashy gifts have that effect on hot, heavy, metal balls flying through the air.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Crossing the Delaware with General Washington

~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

Washington Crossing the Delaware By George Caleb Bingham – http://www.chrysler.org/education/unit1/bingham.htm, Public Domain

This list continues with the historical backdrop for my brand of lunacy. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not dangle your feet in the water off the back of the boat. If you do, at best they will be numb. At worst, the General will think you have lost touch with reality. (Looks like you may be sidelined for the big event, Frasco. Although you may want to avoid the battle, your pay envelope will be much thinner.)

9 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, don’t try to sit in Tiny the WWF champ’s seat next to the General. If you do, at best you might be swimming across the Delaware. At worst, Tiny who has formed a bond with General Washington may take your move as a sign of affection for the General. (Since Tiny failed the “Unrequited Love and How to Cope,” seminar he now thinks a knuckle sandwich is an answer. Just jump out, Fredek. It will be easier in the long run.)

8 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not think wearing boat shoes from L.L.Bean will impress your fellow soldiers. If you do, at best you’ll get a new nickname. At worst, a Master Sargeant will put you on report for being out of uniform. (Of course, one more on-report isn’t going to break you, Freyr. You have come to like peeling potatoes.)

7 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not start singing “row row row your boat.” If you do, at best a few might join in. At worst, the General will single you out and threaten you with the stockade if you don’t quit making noise. (Looks like Georgie thinks you might be a British spy, Fridolf. I think quiet is the better part of this equation.)

6 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not bring your fishing equipment. If you do, at best you might catch dinner. At worst, the General will ask you to keep fishing until you have caught enough to feed the Continental Army. (Holy cow, Frygies. That is a lot of fish. We’ll come back for you.)

5 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not ask if dinner at the captain’s table is a formal affair. If you do, at best no one will understand your question. At worst, you’ll be reminded that you are on a rowboat and there is no captain’s table, and someone will hand you the flag. (You know that the flag goes in the front of the charge don’t you, Fryderyk. Yeah, that’s right, up front where all those bullets and flying cannon balls are.)

4 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not let anyone know you get seasick. If you do, at best some will be sympathetic. At worst, the old salt will continually describe in minute detail the roast pork dinner he had last night. ( If you can just hang on little longer, Francis the shore is not too far away.)

3 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not begin humming and old German tune. If you do, at best you’ll keep the volume down. At worst, since you are on your way to attacking the Hessians in Trenton, the General might think you are mocking the mission. (Washington is not sure this whole thing will work, Finn so I would lay low if I were you. That water is certainly cold.)

2 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not mention that your enlistment in the army expires at midnight. If you do, at best, you’ll get a so what? At worst, someone will take your musket and shot, and you’ll be defenseless when you reach the shore. (Better offer to reenlist, Fabian. Otherwise, you are going to be pretty uncomfortable dodging shot from both sides.)

1 If you are crossing the Delaware with General Washington, do not stand up in the boat and start singing “Old Man River.” If you do, at best you’ll be ordered to sit and be quiet. At worst, you will finish your song while trying to keep your head above water. (Looks like the General has just about had enough of the stand-up comedy, Floyd. Hopefully another boat will scoop you up.)