Tag: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Battle of the Alamo

~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments

Alamo

The inspiration for this list is the idea of matching Ten Things Not to Do with historical events. I hope you enjoy this one.

10 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think offering margaritas all around is going to help anything. If you do, at best everyone will be too busy to take you up on the offer. At worst only the best shooters on your side decided to have a couple and now can’t hit the broad side of a barn. (I guess you were hoping the Mexicans would be in a similar shape huh, Fritz?)

9 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if you can borrow his gun. If you do, at best he’ll just say no. At worst, since he extremely nearsighted he may mistake you for a Mexican soldier and give you a body slam over the wall. (It only hurts getting up, Felco so I would just lay there.)

8 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not walk around eating a bean burrito. If you do, at best you will have to share. At worst, from far away a sharpshooter may mistake you for a Mexican Federal soldier. ( I know you were hungry, Freddie, but the food of the day is hardtack and salt pork. Tortillas are the other side food of the day.)

7 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not wear your Santa Anna Sucks t-shirt. If you do, at best no one will notice. At worst, Santa Anna will want it as a souvenir.  ( I think you heard him right, Faris. He said he didn’t care if it was bloodstained or not. Just give it to him.)

6 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not ask Davy Crockett for an autograph. If you do, at best he’ll just laugh. At worst, he’ll give you a lesson in flying. (You could flap your arms harder, Farid but I think you are going to hit the ground pretty hard. That wall is quite high.)

5 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not tell someone you know all about cannons if you don’t. If you do, at best you won’t be asked to fill in on one. At worst, you’ll be put in charge of the only cannon that guards the entrance. (Now what did the manual say, Fabumi? Load the ball then light the fuse? Or was it the other way around? You better hurry looks like those doors won’t last another minute.)

4 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think it is time to start Spanish lessons. If you do, at best you may learn a few words. At worst, whether or not you speak Spanish will not help you in the end. (It looks like the order of the day is take no prisoners, Fadeyka. I think it’s going to take a little more than a few “holas” and “Buenos Dias” to save you.)

3 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not think that sombrero and serape will be an effective disguise. If you do, at best no one will laugh at you. At worst the troops will consider you a spy. (You know what they do to spies, Fallon. Dump that outfit now.)

2 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not wave that “Come and Take It” cannon flag from the Battle of Gonzales. If you do, at best you will make the Mexicans angry. At worst, you will be singled out for elimination. (That flag has been a sore spot since the Texas revolution began, Falk. No need to start that fire again.)

1 If you are caught at the battle of the Alamo, do not make plans for your summer holiday. If you do, at best your heirs will have to cancel. At worst, you may lose some of your deposits. (I guess no one told you that getting out of the Alamo was a feet-first proposition huh, Farnley?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Social Media

~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

 

The inspiration for this post was another post by award-winning author Jan Sikes. Jan was wondering out loud whether or not we were all sharing too much on our social media efforts. In a comment back and forth she suggested doing a “Top Ten Things Not to Do” post. You can see Jan’s post HERE. You should visit her blog just to take a look at the five books she has written.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do on Social Media.

10 If you are on social media, do not publish a photo of yourself making a hand gesture. If you do, at best the gesture has an innocent intent. At worst, your gesture no matter how honest is seen by others as a reason to find out where you live. (It is incredible that you have all those people on your front lawn, Espen. What do you think they are carrying torches and pitchforks?)

9 If you are on social media, do not post that you believe WWF wrestling is fake. If you do, at best Tiny the WWF champ is out of the country without access to the internet. At worst, your post pops up on Tiny’s feed. (Looking through the peephole in your door does not give you the whole view of what is about to happen, Ethan. In fact, I would back up a bit, so you are not hit by flying splinters. Better yet, run for your life.)

8 If you are on social media, do not engage in a back and forth discussion on politics with someone who has an AK 47 as a Gravatar. If you do, at best you’ll stop before going too far. At worst, your last comment which has no retort will be followed by a high-pitched tone. (That tone is the sound of an incoming rocket-propelled grenade, Eupeithes. I would take cover.)

7 If you are on social media, do not publish pictures of your dinner no matter where it is to be eaten. If you do, at best most will miss it. At worst, the two likes you receive will be indicative of how poorly ham hocks and sour kraut with a side of succotash come across in a photo. (The fact that most of your readers decided to skip their dinner will come back to haunt you, Eurystheus.)

6 If you are on social media, do not publish a GIF that blinks on and off with colorful stars and a giant pair of lips. If you do, at best at least one reader will think it is cute. At worst, you will trigger several psychological and physical events that will hold you forever libel. ( I guess you had no idea the strobe effect would cause such a reaction, Evann. The injury attorneys will find that laughable.)

5 If you are on social media, do not broadcast the fact that you are not home. If you do, at best none of your readers is a cat burglar. At worst, you’ll return home from your trip to an empty house. (Normally you are used to being alone at home, Everardo but no furniture is a bit stark.)

4 If you are on social media, do not rant about a minor inconvenience in your day. If you do, at best folks will just ignore you. At worst, you’ll get other stories that make your problem sound like a blessing. (Now don’t you feel like a dope, Evgeni. You just had to demonstrate how shallow you are didn’t you?)

3 If you are on social media, do not publish pictures of your new expensive purchases. If you do, at best your materialism will define you. At worst, those followers who have significantly less than you seem to have will drop you like a hot potato. ( I know you were happy you got that BMW, Evzen. All those folks in a ten-year-old Honda can’t help but be jealous.)

2  If you are on Social media, do not pretend to be recommending products that you like when in reality you are being paid. If you do, at best your recommendations will be ignored. At worst you will support something that doesn’t work. (Now you have an angry bunch of readers, Eric. What’s that they are saying about a class action suit?)

1 If you are on social media, don’t forget that your followers are individuals and deserve the best you have to offer. If you do forget, at best a few unfollows will wake you up. At worst, you will need to start over with a new approach. (Funny how those thousands of followers disappeared isn’t it, Edward?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have Fallen Behind on Social Media

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

 

 

The inspiration for this list came from Linda Leinen who is the author of the terrific blog Task at Hand. 

We were commenting on one of my Top Ten posts, and she wondered, “have you ever done a Top Ten Things To Do for people who are trying to get caught up online?” I indicated that I could do the reciprocal of that thought and here it is today. Thanks, Linda for the question.

Linda has had amazing experiences, and a visit to her blog will be rewarding.

Here is the list. (Anyone who might think this list is serious please be advised, it is a broad satire statement regarding our phobic belief that social media is indispensable)

10 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not make up an excuse like, “I have been so busy being successful with my new bestseller, I just haven’t had time for you little people.” If you do, at best you’ll lose a few followers. At worst, you might wake up to the sound of crickets on all your social media accounts. (Where did all those followers go Ermanno?)

9 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not panic and accept a friend request from just anyone. If you do, at best you may have a long list of people you don’t know. At worst, you might accept a friend request from Tiny the WWF champ just after his online romance fell apart. (You gotta hope the one hundred direct messages from Tiny is just a fluke for today, Ervin. Heaven knows you don’t want to unfriend him.Ever.)

8 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not think by posting more you will be back sooner. If you do, at best it will just make the problem more intense. At worst, now your followers will think you are having some kind of psychological break and will hit unfollow faster than a duck on a June bug. (Never thought more is less did you, Esbjorn?)

7 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not just delete all the comments to which you are unable to respond. If you do, at best some will not notice. At worst, a large group of followers will think you passed away and will start a go fund me campaign for a memorial. (That is if you are well-liked, Eskil. More than likely there will be a host of unfollows)

6 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not check yourself into a treatment center. If you do, at best you’ll be discharged immediately as a nothing wrong here person. At worst, you’ll inadvertently make up some mental problem which will take ten weeks of group therapy before you are set free. (That will teach you to run away from your problems, Este. Now what?)

5 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not run away to a cabin in the woods. If you do, at best you’ll aggravate the bears. At worst, while you are off the grid, a new social media form will be invented and when you return you will be hopelessly behind this one as well. (Ever hear of Moore’s Law, Eumaeus. You are now in the dark ages.)

4 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not attempt to compensate by eating ice cream. If you do, at best the time spent eating gets you further back. At worst, your ice cream bill and your extra pounds go up in equal proportions. (It doesn’t help to eat ice cream while you are on a stationary bike, Eurypylus.)

3 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not call the suicide hotline. If you do, at best they will hang up. At worst, you’ll get someone who has a difficult time understanding the severe nature of your angst and will start cracking jokes about your condition. (You have to admit, Eustis. Your problem is pretty minor compared to that of other folks.)

2 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not place a 911 call for help. If you do, at best the line will be busy. At worst, the officers dispatched to your house will hand you a citation for a false emergency. (Of course, Everard there could be a minor miracle where one of the officers is behind in social media as well. If so you are saved.)

1 If you have fallen behind on social media, do not think all those busy folks who stay current with you are going to simply ignore your faux pas. If you do, at best you will experience the sound of silence. At worst, you will have to curry forgiveness by inventing an excuse that is ironclad. (The only reason that is not debatable as to its harmful interference with your social media obligations is to tell everyone you are recovering from brain surgery. Of course, Evyn you can’t fall behind again.)

Top Ten Things Not To Do Out of Town if You Are An Author

~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

Top Ten not to do

 

The inspiration for this list was a trip to Phoenix Arizona this weekend to attend the birthday party of my best friend.

10 If you are an author out-of-town, do not try to keep up with your e-mails. If you do, at best in your haste you’ll trash many e-mails that you want to read. At worst, you will delete your entire e-mail account including the copy of the publishing contract and acceptance letter from Simon & Schuster. (They wanted to hear from you in a week, Eduardo. Oh well, maybe the next book.)

9 If you are an author out-of-town, do not think Tiny the WWF champ is going to excuse you taking all the armrest space on the flight as you work on the next draft of your book on your computer. If you do, at best you may lose the feeling in that arm. At worst, the plane will be diverted to an alternate airport as the Air Marshals attempt to subdue Tiny who keeps yelling something about “limb from limb.” (You never knew Tiny had such an uneasy feeling about an arm in his face did you, Ellis?)

8 If you are an author out-of-town, do not start reading the hijack scene from your book during your flight. If you do at best, your whisper will be unheard. At worst, some well-meaning passenger will have you in a hammerlock before you can explain. ( I think it was the part about “this plane is under control of the Taliban empire that got the guy upset don’t you, Esteban?)

7 If you are an author out-of-town, do not try your latest dialog on a fellow bar patron. If you do, at best you will be met with stony silence. At worst, the patron will think you are handing out a pick-up line and your face might be met with the business end of a gin and tonic. (Wow that was a surprise, huh Emilio? I think the bouncer is headed your way.)

6 If you are an author out-of-town, do not think you can openly try to explain your next book to a hapless passenger waiting for a flight in the terminal. If you do, at best you might recognize the eye glaze in enough time to avert embarrassment. At worst, You will have gone one step over the line and your victim will be anxiously trying to get the attention of the security folks. (Looks like the story might need a bit of rework, Edison.)

5 If you are an author out-of-town, do not try to place a few of your books on the airport newsstand in the terminal next to a famous author. If you do, at best they won’t get tossed. At worst, the customer who picks up one of your books suddenly discovers they meant to get the famous author and now demands their money back. (It seems they are quite vocal, Eliot. The clerk cannot find the stock number in the register and the security is headed this way.)

4 If you are an author out-of-town, do not try to crash another author’s signing just because you don’t think anyone will recognize you. If you do, at best you will be asked to leave quietly. At worst, your next door neighbor just happens to walk in and wonders loudly why you are there. (Looks like the author has noticed you there in the back of the room, Ewan. Looks like he is not pleased and maybe you should have not picked an ex SEAL’s party to crash.)

3 If you are an author out-of-town, do not try to create a new story out of the location of your stay if it is a commonplace. If you do, at best it will be a dead-end story. At worst, once the story is finished you will realize how boring the location really is. (Would have been nice to discover this earlier huh, Elgin.)

2 If you are an author out-of-town, don’t think you have to write every sight and conversation in your notebook. If you do, at best you will miss a real experience. At worst, the guy you have been profiling might suddenly catch on. ( You have awakened a sleeping giant, Egan. Too bad the giant is in a witness protection program due to testifying against a mob boss and thinks you made him.)

1 If you are an author out-of-town, do not miss your flight while trying to get that last paragraph critical to your story written. If you do, at best there is another flight in an hour. At worst, you just missed the last flight and now must spent the night in the terminal. (Looks like the only spot to sleep is the floor, Errol.  I don’t like the looks of that guy in the hoodie. Do you?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When You Left Your Money and ID at Home

~ John W. Howell ~ 59 Comments

 

The inspiration for this list was going to dinner and forgetting to put my wallet in my pocket. Although it sounds impossible, I very seldom need to leave the house (Yes, Mr. Hughes?) so I have lost the natural tendency to check to see if I have everything with me. Lucky for me, none of the consequences materialized.

10 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not offer to pick up the dinner tab. If you do, at best your partner will have you covered. At worst, you and your guests will experience kitchen cleanliness first hand. (So you took your boss to dinner, Etu and he forgot his wallet as well. It is a shame about his new suit and that ketchup accident.)

9 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not offer to buy Tiny, the WWF champ, a drink when he has apparently had too much. If you do, at best Tiny will forget the offer. At worst, Tiny has been drowning his sorrows at being told no one likes him in his self-esteem seminar. (Notice how his eyes lit up when you offered to pay for his drink, Eustachy? The bartender is waiting for the money, and Tiny’s eyes are beginning to detect you may renege. Might be time to leave fast.)

8 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not exceed the speed limit. If you do, at best all the traffic patrol officers are in a meeting. At worst, trying to explain who you are and that you are licensed to drive may have to wait for the judge tomorrow. (You have to admit not being able to post bail has given you a brand new experience, Evans. I think that big guy over in the corner kind of likes you.)

7 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not unload your overstuffed grocery cart on the ten items or less conveyor belt. If you do, at best the store will be un-crowded. At worst, you will have sixteen construction workers behind you who only have thirty minutes for lunch. (As the clerk calls for the manager you can detect some discontent behind you, Everley. Might be a good idea to sprint for the door while you can still sprint.)

6 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not take a number at the DMV. If you do, at best you’ll come to your senses before long. At worst, you’ll wait the required number of hours until your number is called only to discover the missing items. (The only person who is happy with you now, Evin is the person next to be called after you are told to step aside.)

5 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not enter the toll road. If you do, at best a kindly motorist will pay your toll. At worst, the toll taker will exercise the right to have your car impounded. (No, the tow truck operator will not give you a ride home, Ethan. He’s going to take your car to the impound lot where if you are lucky no one will put another on top of yours.)

4 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not go through the drive-through at your favorite fast food restaurant. If you do, at best you can say you’re sorry and move on. At worst, the manager of the store has been given a reprimand for having high waste numbers and is now dialing the police. (Don’t be concerned with the honking patrons behind you, Eli. The manager is calling a SWAT team claiming you are holding up the store. Time for a Dukes of Hazard get away.)

3 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not get on that train to Yuma. If you do, at best the conductor may miss you. At worst, you might find yourself standing in the middle of the tracks in a place with no name. (Are those vultures circling overhead, Ezra?)

2 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not try to get through the TSA inspection point at the airport. If you do, at best you’ll be turned away. At worst, a picture of someone who looks like you just came across the international terrorist warning screen and the guy looking at you wants a promotion. (You might as well put those hands in the air, Elliot. That air marshall doesn’t look like he is kidding with the order.)

1 If you leave the house without money or ID, do not attempt to make a withdrawal from your bank. If you do, at best the clerk recognizes you. At worst, when asked for ID you provide some excuse that causes the clerk to hit the silent alarm. (How does the cold marble floor feel, Everett? I think I would follow the suggestion and don’t move.)

Top Ten Things Not to Put Off When You Have a Lot to Do.

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

Ten things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list is living long enough to experience what happens when things are put off. Not all of these things have occurred but enough to give me the title of Consultant on What Not to Put Off.

10 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off buying an anniversary present. If you do, at best you’ll have to spend more to find what you want to give. At worst, what you want to give is no longer available and your second choice falls way short. (That pair of rubber dish gloves just didn’t have the same panache did it, Emanuele?)

9 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off paying Tiny, the WWF champ, the ten bucks you borrowed. If you do, at best you won’t run into Tiny. At worst, you’ll meet Tiny just after he left his financial planner with the news that he is broke. (Right now would be a good time to have that ten spot out where Tiny can see it, Emesto. There won’t be time once he grabs you by the throat.)

8 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off responding to that traffic ticket. If you do, at best you can cover the late fee. At worst,  a rookie police officer will see you drive by and will have memorized the license plates of all the outstanding warrants for this week. (Yes, those lights and siren mean to pull over, Emo. Better hope someone can come and bail you out. Oh, and don’t worry about your new car. The wrecker folks got that name for a reason.)

7 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off paying that final notice on the water and electric bill. If you do, at best you might get a grace period. At worse, you planned on filling the bathtub and buying some candles but were caught by surprise. (How do those shins feel after hitting that coffee table five times, Enceladus?)

6 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off filing your taxes. If you do, at best you will remind the IRS agent of his father. At worst, you will remind the IRS agent of her ex-husband. (Why do the terms ‘delinquent, fine, and jail term’ keep coming up in the discussion, Eoin?)

5 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off renewing your auto or driver’s license. If you do at best a wait at the DMV is the only penalty. At worst, just when some eyewitness of a bank robbery described a car like yours, a state police officer pulled in behind you. (Don’t think these guys aren’t going to have guns drawn, Eren. The bank robber will probably get a lighter sentence than driving with expired plates and license.)

4 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off sending your house insurance premium. If you do, at best your agent will remind you. At worst, the rare piece of space junk entering the atmosphere and landing on your house will remind you of the forgotten check. (Don’t worry, Erin. Insurance companies have huge hearts and will likely forgive your oversight. Believe that, and I have an underwater lot I think you would like.)

3 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off making those airline reservations to attend the mandatory company seminar. If you do, at best you’ll have a center seat on a packed plane. At worst, you’ll be on standby, and as luck would have it, there are no seats available. (Who would have thought that Dubuque Iowa was such a popular destination, Erskine? You can tell by the tension in the voice that the boss is not going to forgive and forget.)

2 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off paying that credit card bill. If you do, at best you’ll rack up a big late fee. At worse, just when you are trying to impress someone by grabbing the dinner check, the waiter comes back and tells you in a loud voice that your card has been denied. (You can try all you want to explain a bank error, Eske. Your soon to be ex-client isn’t believing your story.)

1 If you have a number of things going on, do not put off double checking your parachute before your skydive this weekend. If you do, at best it was done right. At worst, you will find yourself in a position of having to hope the spare will do the job. (After all, Estanislao you have gained a few pounds. Oh, and that go cam recording should be hilarious so let’s hope you are there to enjoy it.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Photographing Doors

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

 

Thursday Doors

 

The inspiration for this list is the Thursday Door prompt as interpreted by Dan Antion. I have often thought when looking at his photos what would happen if certain things went wrong. So here they are, and I’m glad to report Dan has done none of these things.

10 If you are taking door photos, do not ignore that no trespassing sign. If you do, at best you’ll get a warning shot. At worst, the owner will have a pack of wild dogs trained to discourage trespassing. (You finally found out how quickly you can run, Donahue. Too bad those dogs are faster.)

9 If you are taking door photos, do not keep shooting pictures while Tiny, the WWF Champ is waving at you. If you do, at best, he is friendly. At worst, he just entered the witness protection program and thinks you are on the opposite team. (This would be a good time to try out those new Nike running shoes, Donato. Oh dear, you forgot to wear them? Try not to scream then.)

8 If you are taking door photos, do not try to shoot and drive. If you do, at best, you’ll get many photos of your reflection. At worst, you are so occupied you miss that curve. (Looks like you are in someone’s bedroom, Donny. I think I would make up a story and fast.)

7 If you are taking door photos, do not continue to back up without looking behind you. If you do, at best you’ll fall into a flower bed. At worst, you now know the meaning of free fall, Dontell. I don’t think flapping your arms is going to help. You can try it though.)

6 If you are taking door photos, do not forget to keep your thumb out of the field of vision. If you do, at best one or two will turn out. At worse, your door photos all have a significant close up of your thumb. (No matter how you try to sell the shot as artistic, Duante, everyone knows what really happened.)

5 If you are taking door photos, do not become distracted by the obscure. If you do, at best some of your fans might enjoy the “door to the alley” shot. At worst, that close up of a ham sandwich looks to be anything but a ham sandwich. (Looks like those comments are not going in your favor, huh Dorion?)

4 If you are taking door photos, do not focus on only those door you like. If you do, at best your audience will fade. At worst, after the one-hundredth shot of the Burger King entrance, someone will mercifully take your camera away from you. (You’ll be able to get it back, Doughall after a hundred hours of community service.)

3 If you are taking door photos, do not try to include exciting people. If you do, at best they’ll only cover up the door. At worst, you’ll have someone in your shot who has a thing about obscene gestures. (Okay I would take that one over, Draven. This is a family post after all.)

2 If you are taking door photos, do not think the weather will co-operate. If you do, at best some will think that door photo with snowflakes is artistic. At worst, your light setting will be thrown off by the repeated lightning strikes. (You need to find cover, Driscol. You also need to get some rubber shoes for grounding. My goodness the last bolt did some funny things to your hair.)

1 If you are taking door photos, do not think you need to have each one be perfect. If you do, at best you will shoot so many that you run out of memory. At worst, you will photo shop the photo until it no longer looks like the door you shot. (What makes you think folks want to see a business building door look like the entrance to the Vatican, Duff?)

Top Ten Things Not to Put on Your Bucket List

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

 

Top Ten Things not to Do

 

The inspiration for this post came from the website https://www.bucketlist.net/

While looking around, I came upon one list that was the top ten crazy things to put on your bucket list. This started me thinking of what not to put on your bucket list for fear of having the list prematurely remain unaccomplished. I did borrow a couple from the list.

10 If you are making a bucket list, do not include swimming with great white sharks. If you do, at best they will have eaten before you show up. At worst, they have all given up their vegan diet, and you are the first animal protein they’ve seen for weeks. (Looks like those extra long flippers might come in handy, Dayson.)

9 If you are making a bucket list, do not include asking Tiny how he got his name the next time you see him. If you do, at best he will have his Airpods in his ears and will miss the question. At worst, you will remind him of the teasing he took in the fourth grade when he stood six feet tall. (This might be a good time to try out those nunchucks, Deavon. Be careful though and don’t let Tiny take them away from you,)

8 If you are making a bucket list, do not decide to ski the Alps. If you do, at best you’ll sober up before the trip. At worst, you’ll get to the mountain and ignore the fact that you really weren’t an excellent skier in the first place. (That thrill of being airborne doesn’t last very long does it, Delbert? Don’t worry the ski patrol is waiting for you at the bottom of the mountain. It is a very short trip to the hospital.)

7 If you are making a bucket list, do not add breaking the world freedive deep dive record. If you do, at best your first try will give you a hint to stop. At worst, you will realize that the 122 meter (400+ feet) record is safe with your ten-foot dive. (Yes, Delsen to break the record you need to hold your breath for over four minutes. So far, your best shot was twenty seconds)

6 If you are making a bucket list, don’t include quitting your job to try something new. If you do, at best your boss will hire you back. At worst, the something new is something that ten million had tried before and failed. (I give it to you that a mail order catalog seemed like a good idea, Donte it’s just that it has all been done before. Why not try to corner the aluminum can market?)

5 If you are making a bucket list, don’t consider a solo skydive. If you do, at best you will take all the training. At worst, you’ll go up in a plane and then have to actually step out the door. (The first thing to remember is when to deploy the chute, Dorian. The second is how to use the other chute. Let’s not worry about the third right now you have enough to deal with.)

4 If you are making a bucket list, don’t think it would be fun to take your life savings to Las Vegas. If you do, at best the casino will have caught on fire. At worst, all those blackjack lessons and theories went out the window when you took a card on fifteen, and it was a ten. (The hotel will be happy to comp your room tonight, Dorrin. It seems you are the most prominent loser today.)

3 If you are making a bucket list, do not include running with the bulls in Pamplona. If you do, at best you will be able to outrun the guy behind you. At worst, your strategy of running up a tree will backfire as six bulls all hit the tree. (You forgot that those horns are pretty tough, Draupnir. Put away that red hanky, nothing can save you now.)

2 If you are making a bucket list, do not note cooking fish at home. If you do, at best someone who loves you will talk you out of it. At worst, you will finish the cooking and realize you have ruined a twenty-dollar fish and a fifty thousand dollar kitchen. (I think you have learned your lesson, Drewes. Now call the bank and get that home improvement loan fast.)

1 If you are making a bucket list, do include becoming a best-selling author. If you do, at best it may happen. At worst, you will live forever trying to complete your bucket list. (Just keep working on it, Drystan. Ninety two is the new sixty-two. Plenty of time.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Academy Awards

~ John W. Howell ~ 58 Comments

Oscars

 

The inspiration for this list is the fact that the Academy Awards are next Sunday and I’m sure you are all going as a guest of the Academy of Motion Picture  Arts and Sciences.  I feel it is my duty to give you some pointers so that you don’t come away from the awards regretting your attendance.

10 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not try to get out of your limo before the driver opens your door. If you do, at best you might hit the driver with the swinging door. At worst, there will be a mechanical malfunction, and the driver will be forced to leave the red carpet area with you still in the car. (Pounding on the glass only adds to the chaos, Dev.)

9 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not try to walk by Tiny the WWF champ who has been given the assignment of checking all invitations for authenticity. If you do, at best you might be clotheslined by Tiny’s massive arm. At worst, Tiny has been warned once already not to let any party crashes in, so he elects to give you his best body slam to slow you down. (Don’t worry Devereaux, your breath will come back once that EMT puts the oxygen mask on.)

8 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not think dancing the Stroll on the red carpet is a good idea. If you do, at best the network reporters will pretend to be busy with someone else. At worst, you will snag your shoe in a wrinkle and go down like a Mosler Safe falling off the twelfth floor. (Yes it was caught on network TV, Devion. Yes, they got your name right. Yes, the moment is being replayed with a laugh track. No, there is not an agent who will touch you.)

7 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not complain loudly about how far away your seat is from the event. If you do, at best the room will wonder who elected you king. At worst, the committee head in charge of guest invitations will quietly ask you to leave while the two big goons drag you toes down to the ally. (You just broke the record for the shortest time as a guest, Diarmaid. You should be proud.)

6 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not whistle and stomp when your favorite actor wins best performance. If you do, at best the ushers will ask you to stop it. At worst, those around you will take law and order into their own hands. (Hard to make noise with that cumberbund tied firmly around your head isn’t it, Dima?)

5 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not think the bottles of wine are for you exclusively. If you do, at best a waiter will remind you. At worst, you will have to fight your tablemates all of which are stunt doubles. (Those people are healthy aren’t they, Dimochka?  You might get the feeling back in your arm by Tuesday.)

4 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not ask the person next to you if they are going to eat their lobster chunks. If you do, at best they’ll leave. At worst you will find out shortly that the person next to you is a black belt special warfare instructor. (Wow, that throat chop indeed stopped you from wanting lobster hey, Dionysius?)

3 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not take the centerpiece. If you do, at best a security person will take it from you. At worst, you’ll  make it to the pickup area and then be arrested on National TV for grand larceny. (You always take the centerpiece right, Dohasan?  Well not this time.)

2 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not do your special dance at the Governor’s Ball. If you do, at best the orchestra will suddenly take a break. At worst, the videos of you dancing will go viral with the caption, “Partygoer who is out of control.” This will do wonders for book sales, Donatello.)

1 If you are attending the Academy Awards as a guest, do not corner your favorite actor, playwright or author. If you do at best, you’ll get a cold shoulder. At worst, a gang of security people will wrestle you to the floor and hold you there for the police. (Why is that camera person continuing to film this travesty of justice, Donavon? Maybe if you stop yelling obscenities they may finish as well.)