This post was run on March 6th, 2017. I’m assuming there are still some things that need to be taken care of before the arrival of summer. I hope you enjoy the list.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do While Spring Cleaning.

10 While spring cleaning, do not start a list without careful planning. If you do, at best, you’ll only waste your time haphazardly moving from one project to the next. At worst, that last missing step on the ladder will only become important when you step on it. (It is a long way down, and your screaming just woke the baby, Buford.)

9 While spring cleaning, don’t forget to look down at the wash water before throwing it out. If you do, at best, you may lose your favorite brush. At worst, your youngest may take an unplanned flight. (How did that kid get in there anyway, Buster?)

8 While spring cleaning, don’t forget the law of gravity. If you do, at best, that hammer won’t take out the patio cover. At worst, your weightlessness feeling will only be a millisecond before you reconnect with terra firma. (Those skydiving lessons were of no help on your free fall from the roof, right, Tex?)

7 While spring cleaning, do not mix several cleaning agents together. If you do, at best, you’ll only waste the materials. At worst, you may inadvertently duplicate what used to be considered a military-grade poison gas. (How’s that waiting list on the lung transplant coming along, Slick?)

6 While spring cleaning, do not try to remove spots with anything but approved removers. If you do, at best, the spot removed will be more prominent as a result of residual cleaner. At worst, that spot lifter you used clearly said not for use on leather. (How are you going to explain that missing arm on the couch, Bunky?)

5 While spring cleaning, do not think you can use a leaf blower in the living room. If you do, at best, you may be surprised at how many things go out the front door. At worst, although the knick-knack shelf is clean, there may be no more knick-knacks. (Funny how those crystal items turned to dust, huh, Ferd?)

4 While spring cleaning, do not forget to empty the vacuum cleaner during the process. If you do, at best, the job will take longer. At worst, at the end of the job, your vacuum and hose may be entirely filled, only to let go when you turn the machine off. (Didn’t plan on starting over, did you, Bosco?)

3 While spring cleaning, do not use that paint from five years ago. If you do, at best, the color will be close, and only your mother-in-law will notice. At worst, what used to be bright white woodwork will look like an original “this old house” before picture. (Now you have to do it twice, huh, Putz?)

2 While spring cleaning, do not think others want the radio that loud. If you do, at best, you may get a phone call. At worst, you will have awoken Tiny, the WWF champ who flew in from LA on the redeye and finally got to sleep. (Notice Tiny has red eyes of his own as you observe his knuckle sandwich being served a la carte, Pard.)

1 While Spring cleaning, do not underestimate the strength of your power washer. If you do, at best, you may make some marks on your house. At worst, you’ll notice the chunks of paint being stripped from the siding a little too late to avoid a complete repaint job. (“Well, that was a sound investment, wasn’t it, Darling?” Yes, you just heard the most feared words in the language)

 

This post was published on March 27th, 2017. I think there might be some good advice if you are taking a train somewhere.

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The inspiration for this list is the fact that The Producer is on the Amtrack California Zephyr from Davis, California, to Omaha, Nebraska.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Traveling by Train

10 If you are traveling by train, do not think you can sit just anywhere. If you do, at best, you may be lucky and not take someone’s seat. At worst, you’ll get comfortable only to discover Tiny, the WWF champ, has a seat reservation where you are sitting. (Notice how quickly Tiny reacts when things don’t go his way, Bunky.)

9 If you are traveling by train, don’t forget to charge your phone before getting on. If you do forget, at best, you will have to limit your calls. At worst, you will be without your phone when you need to send that text to your boss in answer to the question, “Where the hell are you?”(Seems you forgot to tell the boss you were going on vacation, huh, Ferd?)

8 If you are traveling by train, don’t forget a blanket or sweater. If you do, at best, you’ll get chilled. At worst, trying to use your seatmate’s blanket might get you arrested for assault. (Maybe you should have asked before rolling over with it, Buford.)

7 If you are traveling by train, do not talk louder than those around you. If you do, at best, you may get into an argument with someone bigger. At worst, you and your bags might be offloaded at the next stop, which is a thousand miles from nowhere. (That mail hook was a bit of an insult, huh, Pard?)

6 If you are traveling by train, do not walk around without your shoes. If you do, at best, you may step on something that moves. At worst, you may need to re-evaluate how much you need those last pair of socks after the visit to the restroom. (This is not the beach, Buster. Shoes are required.)

5 If you are traveling by train, do not forget to take something to read. If you do, at best, you’ll get tired of reading the safety messages in the coach. At worst, you’ll begin talking with someone who obviously was just released from a mental care facility. (Your hint should have been the focus on picking lint off your sweater that wasn’t there, Bud.)

4 If you are traveling by train, do not forget to bring snacks and water. If you do, at best, the train provisions will be expensive. At worst, the last bottle of water and bag of chips will be auctioned off to the highest bidder after the twelve-hour delay at Donner Pass. (That name rings a bell, doesn’t it, Tex?)

3 If you are traveling by train, do not leave your bag unattended in the overhead rack. If you do, at best, you’ll be traveling with a group of nuns on the way to a retreat. At worst, whatever was in your bag will be for sale in the next car. (If you hurry, you might be able to buy back your underwear, Putz.)

2 If you are traveling by train, do not walk around with a full drink. If you do, at best, any spills will hit the aisle. At worst, the last lurch caused your cup to empty on the head of that enormous man in the seat you fell into. (That low growl you are hearing is not part of the train function, Guy. I would run.)

1 If you are traveling by train, do not forget where to get off. If you do, at best, you can catch the next train back in twenty-four hours. At worst, the railroad detective will finally release you after several hours of investigation into the stowaway charge. (Why you decided to ride to the end of the line is anybody’s guess, Pal.)

 

 

This post ran on February 13, 2017. Since folks are still texting, it may still be helpful. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came to me when I inadvertently sent a text to the wrong person. Luckily there was nothing in the text that might be embarrassing but caused my fiction mind to go into overdrive. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Texting

10 When texting, do not use acronyms that you don’t understand. If you do, at best, you might be misunderstood. At worst, you may shock the receiver with your lack of social grace. (You thought WTF meant “Why the Fuss,” didn’t you, Ferd? Too bad Nun Mary Teresa was the recipient of your misunderstanding.)

9 When texting, check to whom you are sending the message. If you don’t, at best, your message will provide some laughs. At worst, that disparaging comment about Tiny, the WWF champ’s mother, will go right to him by mistake. (You could have sworn you were messaging your best friend only to discover you replied to Tiny’s last text to you where he threatened to break your leg. Don’t look, but he’s heading toward you now, Buford.)

8 When texting, do not rely on auto-correct to cover your mistakes. If you do, at best, you will need to explain that last text. At worst, you just sent a group text to the garden club where you explained that the male Pinto plant needed to be placed inside a moist verdant vessel. (Well, that sure didn’t come out the way you intended, did it, Alice?)

7 When texting, do not rely on voice to text as a time saver. If you do, at best, your numerous repeats will make it a longer process. At worst, your voice recognition program only understands Cambridge English, and you are from New Jersey. (Good luck with that bit of technology, Bunky. BTW Homeland Security thinks you want to blow something up.)

6 When texting, do not include a duck-faced or tongue-out selfie with an obscene gesture thrown in. If you do, at best, you’ll demonstrate your lack of originality and IQ. At worst, your selfie will be passed from phone to phone until it ends up with your boss. (That call from HR can’t be good, huh, Bosco?)

5 When texting, do not send pictures of your food. If you do, at best, folks will think you need a hobby. At worst, you will demonstrate a cry for help that needs intervention. (How is that good feelings camp treating you, Tex?)

4 When Texting, do not use technology to wish someone a happy Valentine’s Day as your only effort. If you do, at best, you’ll never have a relationship with that person. At worst, the resultant storm will not be assuaged without some very expensive make-up gifts. (Seemed like an easy way out, huh, Pard?)

3 When texting, do not use emojis to express what should be said in person or in words. If you do, at best, you’ll be seen as an automaton. At worst, you will receive emojis back that have at the core a message telling you to place your phone in a very dark place. (You don’t know where those emojis came from, do you, Buster?)

2 When texting, do not do it while in a social situation. If you do, at best, you will look up and find yourself alone. At worst, the rest of the group will take your action as being disinterested in the event or them and ignore you for the rest of the evening. (Let’s hope you even notice, Clod.)

1 When texting, do not drive a car or operate machinery. If you do, at best, you’ll escape with no consequences. At worst, you’ll hurt someone with your negligence. (You’ll have to live with that the rest of your life, Dope.)

 

This post ran on February 20th, 2017. Since folks still take road trips, it might still be useful. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came with President’s Day weekend. A lot of people are on road trips, and at least maybe they will read this before heading back home today. I always look back fondly on those road trips so many years ago.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Road Trip

10 On a road trip, do not let the kids claim their own space in the back. If you do, at best, the territory claims will be endless. At worst, you’ll have to separate them and sit with your knees under your chin. (You forgot about the hump, huh, Bunky?)

9 On a road trip, do not start the 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall song. If you do, at best, everyone will get tired after ten. At worst, one of the kids will insist on going the whole distance. (How’s that toothache doing, Ferd?)

8 On a road trip, do not miss stating all the rules of I Spy. If you do, at best, a small loophole will allow multiple winners. At worst, forgetting the “in the car” rule means little princess will hold out for 100 miles before declaring her item was a bird on the wire. (Yes, Tex. It was the bird 100 miles back.)

7 On a road trip, do not allow anyone into Buck-ees without a pre-set budget. If you do, at best, you can justify the expense with the bonus points on the credit card. At worst, the manager of Buck-ees wants to sell your car to cover the bill. (What kind of rest stop has diamond-covered boots, huh, Pilgrim?)

6 On a road trip, do not think every tunnel is short enough to hold your breath all the way to the end. If you do, at best, you’ll hit a long one and will have to breathe. At worst, little Tiny, the future WWF champ who is a great competitor, will be blue by the time you emerge. (No one told him to give up, Buster.)

5 On a road trip, if you are the driver, do not hold up your feet over the railroad tracks. If you do, at best, you won’t have a close call. At worst, you might be caught short if you need to make a quick stop. (Is that semi in your lane, Buford?)

4 On a road trip, do not set unreasonable expectations around the number of license plates needed to be spotted to finish the game. If you do, at best, everyone will be discouraged and quit. At worst, your most competitive child will keep going until they have all fifty. (Good luck on that Hawaii plate, Pal.)

3 On a road trip, do not allow the kids to pick their own snacks. If you do, at best, you’ll need to run the car through a car wash when you get home. At worst, you will be peeling the kids off the ceiling after the mega sugar high hits. (You enjoy the screaming too, don’t you, Slick?)

2 On a road trip, do not let anyone in the car read the Stuckey’s signs. If you do, at best, you’ll have to stop every hundred miles. At worst, you’ll have so many log rolls, divinities, and clusters you will be able to open your own store. ( Not to mention the dentist bill, right Ralph?)

1 On a road trip, do not insist that everyone hold it until the gas stop. If you do, at best, the last ten miles will be very tense. At worst, you might be on the receiving end of a family mutiny. (You never realized how strong those kids are, did you, Jake?)

 

This post ran first on July 26, 2016. I’m sure there will be some art shows you’ll want to attend so the advice will hopefully be helpful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Art Show

10 If you are attending an art show, do not touch any of the art. If you do, at best, you’ll be reprimanded by the artist. At worst, that blotch of tomato sauce from your stromboli, which now sits on the piece of art, marks it as yours. (You always wanted to own a painting with the obsessive/compulsive title “My Evil Obsession,” didn’t you, Slick?)

9 If you are attending an art show, do not ask the artist if they give a discount. If you do, at best, you will have to listen to a monologue about the value of hand-crafted art. At worst, you will be called certain names which you probably haven’t been called before. (That peyote sure gets those artist folks fired up, doesn’t it?)

8 If you are attending an art show, do not sit in a chair that is clearly a work of art. If you do, at best, you will be asked kindly to get up. At worst, you might face Tiny, the WWF ex-champ who is also a very close friend of the artist. (That crack you just heard better be a bone and not the chair.)

7 If you are attending an art show, do not interact with an exhibit that has a sign “Look but don’t touch.” If you do, at best, nothing will break, and you’ll make a clean getaway. At worst, although fun, the cost of that broken piece will keep you on peanut butter sandwiches for months. (Who ever heard of a wind-up toy that doesn’t wind up?)

6 If you are attending an art show, do not let your kids run helter-skelter through the exhibits. If you do, at best, the organizer will return them to you with a stern warning. At worst, your youngest will come screaming to you with a ransom note demanding payment before the release of the others. (A bit costly for a few minutes of entertainment, wouldn’t you say?)

5 If you are attending an art show, do not pick up objects to see how they feel. If you do, at best, you’ll be lucky and not drop one. At worst, that eagle feather that looked so light will turn out to be made of concrete that unfortunately broke in two as it took out the mirror-covered table. (A two-finger lift was not the best way.)

4 If you are attending an art show, do not try to impress the artist if you know nothing about art. If you do, at best, you will confirm you know nothing. At worst, the artist will kindly listen and then call upon the local shaman to strike you mute. (Was fun listening to yourself talk until you couldn’t anymore, right?)

3 If you are attending an art show, do not eat anything while touring the booths. If you do, at best, most of the artists will warn you away. At worst, you could be the proud owner of an unusual weaving kissed with Philly Cheesesteak juice. (Wasn’t your first choice, was it?)

2 If you are attending an art show, do not try to barter your books for a piece of art of your choice. If you do, at best, the artist will say they have already read your book. At worst, the artist will flip through your book and hand it back. (You didn’t need to hear that they don’t ever read your genre.)

1 If you are attending an art show, do not think your purchase has a money-back guarantee. If you do, at best, you will be embarrassed when you try to bring it back. At worst, the artist will be insulted that you didn’t want to keep the precious item. (That lawyer they hired just won’t go away, darn it.)

 

 

This post ran on May 23rd, 2016. Still looks like the advice will hold.

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The inspiration for this list came to me while witnessing a couple of houses for sale. I figured that, among other things, these items would be pretty obvious. I have to believe they were just not top of mind when the listing broker showed up to sign the listing. Of course, no listing broker worth their salt would point out particular areas needing improvement until the agreement is signed. After the ink is dry, it is hoped some discussion will occur.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if Your House is For Sale

10 If your house is for sale, do not decide to make your regular batch of sour kraut during the broker open house. If you do, at best, those attending are all sour kraut lovers. At worst, small notes will be made on the file to the effect that a complete cleaning will be needed to eliminate the dead animal smell. (Where did someone get the idea sour kraut smelled like a dead animal?)

9 If your house is for sale, do not assume everyone will overlook all the repairs that have been put off. If you do, At best, you might be able to save the deal by reducing the price to offset what needs fixing. At worst, you will be the proud owner of this house until it falls. (Or until you get off your butt and finish the repairs.)

8 If your house is for sale, do not think the words “Don’t mind the mess” will cause potential buyers to follow your advice. If you do, at best, the potential buyers will politely spend a few moments and then disappear. At worst, the potential buyers will factor in a mess in their offer price. (How do you feel about paying the buyers $1000.00 per messy room in a reduced offer.)

7 If your house is for sale, do not think you can shove all your junk into the garage. If you do, at best, your potential buyers will be the same kind of folks who don’t use their garage for cars. At worst, your potential buyers will assume all your junk will remain with the house and will make for the nearest exit. (Gee, you told them you would have all that stuff moved, right?)

6 If your house is for sale, do not hang around while potential buyers visit. If you do, at best, the potential buyers will think you don’t trust them. At worst, the potential buyers will believe you have some creepy alternative motive for spying on them. (The creepiness of the reason will escalate the more they see you.)

5 If your house is for sale, do not think your massive prize collection of garden gnomes has the same appeal to potential buyers. If you do, at best, your potential buyers will wonder what other collections you have that must be shipped. At worst, your potential buyers will think your house is cursed by the garden people and will make tracks out of there. (Some of those ceramic folk look like they might be dangerous after dark.)

4 If your house is for sale, do not leave your pet parrot behind for the showing. If you do, at best, the potential buyers will learn some new words that Polly has heard from you. At worst, the potential buyers are both grossly allergic to exotic bird droppings due to many years serving in the Peace Corps in the jungle. (Your first inkling of a problem is the flashing EMT lights and police cars in front of your house, all being interviewed by the Nightly News.)

3 If your house is for sale, do not go ahead with the plans for that four-week vacation. If you do, at best, you will need to come home early to sign papers. At worst, you will return after the break to find every light on, running water, and wide open doors due to some showings. (You hope you will be able to get rid of that swarm of mosquitoes that look like they are carrying malaria.)

2 If your house is for sale, do not forget to have your pest and house inspection. If you do forget, at best, the potential buyers will have it done, and the finding repairs will be up to you. At worst, the potential buyers will employ “Midnight House Inspection and Pest Control,” whose fee depends on the number of problems they can find. (You never knew you had a black widow spider infestation, did you, Bunkey?)

1 If your house is for sale, do not try to do it yourself. If you do, at best, you will avoid the obvious pitfalls of “for sale by owner.” At worst, you will find yourself discussing unforeseen issues, which will be resolved by price reductions. (It makes the commission look cheap now, doesn’t it?)