Top Ten Things Not to Do While Watching Competition Shows.

July 11, 2022July 10, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

This post was published on September 12th, 2016. Let’s hope it has legs.

* * *

The inspiration for this list came to me while watching a few shows where people compete for money, a hosting berth on a food show, to see if they would like to sell or list their house, or just want a new place to live. I did not know what to call these shows, so I labeled them competition shows. Anyway, I think you get the idea.

10 If you are watching a competition show and it involves food, do not think you need to match bite for bite. If you do, at best, you’ll be too full to sleep. At worst, your doctor will conduct an intervention and perhaps admit you to a sanitarium to lose weight. (Man, that first 100 pounds came quick, didn’t it?)

9 If you are watching a competition show that involves racing from one place to the next, do not think you need to rush to the store after it is over. If you do, at best, the kindly officer will let you off with a warning after he hears your story. At worst, your insurance company will not reinstate your policy in spite of your promise to get rid of the racing gloves. (You would have been okay had you not slid sideways into the 7-11.)

8 If you are watching a competition show and the players are all on an island with no food, do not plan your vacation while watching. If you do, at best, your room choices will seem luxurious when in fact, they should be condemned. At worst, you’ll arrive at your destination and realize that primitive camp living might not have been the best option. (Especially since your family considers roughing it to be no room service.)

7 If you are watching a competition show and the favorite day of the show is demolition day, do not tackle that small home improvement. If you do, at best, you will spend three minutes on demolition and ten days on reconstruction. At worst, your demolition fever will go unchecked until you realize you have no more bedrooms. (That night sky is sure filled with stars, isn’t it?)

6 If you are watching a competition show and the principles pay for rundown houses with cash, do not make an offer on a house. If you do, at best, you will overlook some needed repairs. At worst, you will realize there is no one to help you with what has been described as a “tear down.” (It looked so easy on TV, didn’t it, Bunky?)

5 If you are watching a competition show and the homeowners are asked if they love it or should they list it? Do not call an agent to list your house. If you do, at best, you will have second thoughts about your beloved home. At worst, your house will sell in two days with the new owners wanting to move in a week, and you have nowhere to go. (How come everything for sale is higher priced than what you got for your house? Huh?)

4 If you are watching a competition show and there are judges eliminating chefs, do not decide you can cook better than all of them. If you do, at best, your offerings may not be enthusiastically received. At worst, you will have a food walkout at your house, and you’ll be the last chef standing. (Seems kind of lonely, just you and that pot of stew.)

3 If you are watching a competition show and it involves food trucks, do not think that may be an easy way to make a buck. If you do, at best, your first week will be a killer. At worst, after you spend all that money to buy the truck, you realize you can’t sell the truck. (Kind of cramped to live in, right?)

2 If you are watching a competition show that involves two guys giving the homeowner a complete makeover for $30,000, do not ask for bids on your remodel. If you do, at best, you’ll never get a price low enough to proceed. At worst, you will find someone to do the job at your price and have to hire another contractor to redo the job at twice the price. (All looked good until the ceiling fell. Right?)

1 If you are watching a competition show that involves selecting a home from three choices of houses, do not think you will be that lucky. If you do, At best, you will need to see more. At worst, you will look at three, pick one, and discover that a better house has come on the market and is cheaper. (So much for being in a rush, huh, Rube?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a GYM (or Workout Club)

June 27, 2022June 26, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

This post originally ran on August 1, 2016. Since I’m still going to the gym, I still see the same annoying things, so I think it will be helpful.

* * *

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a GYM (or Workout Club)

Having been a gym member for some years, I observed some annoying habits of other attendees. I want to dedicate this blog to y’all. (you know who you are)

10 If you are working out, do not leave the equipment covered in sweat. If you do, at best, you’ll earn the club gross-out award. At worst, you might have a discussion with Tiny, the club rules enforcer. (Tiny tends to talk with his fists, and you could be looking at an incoming knuckle sandwich.)

9 If you are working out, do not do your stretches in a way that blocks others’ use of a machine. If you do, at best, you may find yourself stopped at some point. At worst, a brave soul may only knock you out of the way and use the machine. (You would argue, but it looks like they outweigh you by 100 pounds, and they are wearing a WWF champion belt)

8 If you are working out, do not wear week-old workout clothes. If you do, at best, you’ll have plenty of workout space to yourself. At worst, the membership will take up a collection and present you with the “Sponsor a homeless person” check for twenty-five dollars. (Pretty embarrassing getting into your BMW after the ceremony, isn’t it.)

7 If you are working out, do not drop the bar of weights on the floor. If you do, at best, the population will take cover, thinking an earthquake is in progress. At worst, you happen to hit the floor weak spot, and you and the bar of weights wake up in the basement. (You have to wonder why no one seems to care that you are missing.)

6 If you are working out, do not sing along to the music in your earbuds. If you do, at best, the rest of the club will think you’ve lost your mind. At worst, Someone will call 911 thinking you are in excruciating pain and are in the throes of a heart attack. (You might as well go with the EMTs since they are trained to subdue crazies who resist.)

5 If you are working out, don’t brag about your weight loss. If you do, at best, those who might have considered being a friend are long gone. At worst, you will brag to the wrong person who has a medical condition coupled with psychotic episodes triggered by the word “loss.” (Running fast was never your strong suit, was it?)

4 If you are working out, do not flirt with the instructor. If you do, at best, the instructor will do their best to stay away from you. At worst, the instructor will think you may be the love of their life. (Only now do you find out the instructor is on a work-release program after an episode with a former student.)

3 If you are working out, do not try to hoard as many clean towels as you can fit in your locker. If you do, at best, others will know and treat you like a thief. At worst, security will pay you a visit just as you open your towel-stuffed locker. (Talking fast doesn’t seem to help, does it?)

2 If you are working out, do not make grunting noises as you do your reps. If you do, at best, the room will think you’re obsessed. At worst, the management will send Tiny to discuss proper decorum in the gym. (It seems many folks thought your grunts were a little too personal.)

1 If you are working out, do not make a habit of filling up more than one water bottle at the fountain. If you do, at best, the long line will consist of those who have come to hate you. At worst, the tall guy behind you will cease to be able to control his desire to act on an urge to drown you in the very same fountain. (Wow! “Where did that come from?” You ask.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Realtor Open House

June 13, 2022June 12, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

This list was originally posted on August 22, 2016. Since then, the real estate market has exploded, and I’m not sure realtors even have open houses. These days usually list the home and give buyers a week to submit a bid. Someday, the old ways will come back, and this list may be handy when they do.

* * *

The inspiration for this list is having attended some realtor open houses and having an active imagination of the realtor’s reaction if one of the visitors should do any of the things on the list. I am entirely innocent.

10 If you attend a realtor open house, do not make yourself at home no matter what the salesperson says when you arrive. If you do, at best, you’ll be asked to take your feet off the couch. At worst, the police will ask you once to get out of the shower and get dressed. (Don’t make them use that stun gun, Bunky. You’ll look ridiculous on the nightly news especially buck naked.)

9 If you attend a realtor open house, do not think that pot on the stove is hot cider. If you do, at best, the potpourri won’t make you sick. At worst, you’ll find the wood chips and cinnamon sticks aren’t as fun on the revisit. (That ER ipecac treatment was as close to waterboarding as you will get for a while.)

8 If you attend a realtor open house, do not think you can test the bed. If you do, at best, you’ll be shown the door. At worst, your photo ends up at the Multiple Listing Service, and this will be your last open house. (You should have set the alarm before that nap.)

7 If you attend a realtor open house, do not make jokes about the home owner’s relative’s photos. If you do, at best, no one will hear you. At worst, the realtor will rat you out to the owner. (You didn’t know this was your boss’s house until you saw his photo in the last frame, did you?)

6 If you attend a realtor open house, do not help yourself to one of the cookies in the kitchen. If you do, at best, that is why they are on display. At worst, you are now painfully aware the cookies were props. (How long will you have to chew that wax before it goes bye-bye?)

5 If you attend a realtor open house, do not turn on the big game. If you do, at best, the broker will ask you to turn it off. At worst, you will still be watching as the owners return to their house. (It’s retty uncomfortable explaining how you came to turn the thing on in the first place. Oh, and how that beer just magically appeared.)

4 If you attend a realtor open house, do not open drawers to have a peek. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worst, you’ll go into the media room and be able to watch the security camera replay of your bathroom snooping. (Don’t even try to figure out how to erase the file. The central control is locked, and the owner is looking at your performance on a cell phone ten miles away.)

3 If you attend a realtor open house, do not be tempted to open the refrigerator. If you do open it, at best, only the salesperson will know. At worst, the owners return home through the kitchen door just as you look inside the refrigerator. (Your comment about “nice-looking pot roast leftovers” does nothing to ease the tension.)

2 If you attend a realtor open house, do not be tempted to pick a flower or two, no matter how lovely. If you do pick one, at best, you can tell a fib about it being broken off. At worst, you have the flower in your hand and no way to hide the fact from the owner. (The owner happens to be named Tiny and stands seven feet tall and rushed out to his garden to find you with his favorite Zinnia in your hand. You should just fall down now.)

1 If you attend a realtor open house, no matter what, do not turn on the Jacuzzi. If you do, at best, that broken switch will fail to operate. At worst, the broken return pipe will shoot water until the tub is dry. (Of course, you can’t turn off the superheated motor, so you stand by helplessly watching the firefighters try to save the house from the burning lanai.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Heat

June 6, 2022June 5, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 84 Comments

This post was originally published in August of 2016. We are expecting 100+F (37.7+C) temperatures for the next seven days. So I think this list is still relevant.

* * *

By design, I will admit this list is a little overstated and the product of a fiction writer. So natural questions like, “Who would do that their thing?” (avoiding ending the sentence with a preposition) should be tempered with the fact that I MAKE THIS STUFF UP IN MY HEAD.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Heat.

10 If you are in the heat, do not decide to fire your pottery. If you do, at best, the 1000-degree oven will win. At worst, you might be forced to take fluids intravenously. (Man, that drip sure gets in the way, hey Bunkie?)

9 If you are in the heat, do not do the yard work promised last winter. If you do, at best, you will lose intelligence points at home. At worst, that elevated heartbeat signals you to proceed to the nearest ER. (Too bad no one is at home to drive you, Sport)

8 If you are in the heat, do not tackle that welding project. If you do, at best, you may lose weight. At worst, the third-degree burns on your face are in sharp contrast to the non-burned places where your goggles were in place. (A little aloe vera gel might help cool that down.)

7 If you are in the heat, do not volunteer to help out as a crossing guard at summer school. If you do, at best, the soaking wet shirt makes an interesting statement that the PTA would like to discuss in person. At worst, your memory will always be kept alive in the crossing guard Hall of Fame for not dropping your stop sign as you went down. (What a great testimonial to dedication. Sorry you missed it)

6 If you are in the heat, do not think it is a good idea to carry ice cream home for a treat. If you do, at best, you can still enjoy the Oreo chunks, which are all that is left. At worst, tucking the ice cream into your recyclable bag and your wallet proved to be a mistake. (Handing the police your ice cream-soaked license was a big mistake. “I had to get home, officer, before the ice cream melted.”)

5 If you are in the heat, do not think several adult beverages will help you stay cool. If you do, at best, you may be hot but can’t feel a thing. At worst, you overdo it and realize you slept in the yard all night. (Don’t worry about those mosquito bites. The swelling will go down, and you will be able to see in a day or two.)

4 If you are in the heat, do not think sitting in water all day will spare you from suffering. If you do, at best, you will suffer prune body. At worst, you will need help getting out of the water since you absorbed many gallons and now weigh over three hundred pounds. (The six o’clock news has the entire rescue recorded for replay at ten o’clock as well.)

3 If you are in the heat, do not decide to take up running as an exercise. If you do, at best, you will faint after two blocks. At worst, you will finish a five-mile run and have to take three weeks off work to recover. ( Who was that person who gave you a lift home anyway?)

2 If you are in the heat, do not decide to use your super big grill and smoker. If you do, at best, you will choose to finish everything in the oven in the house. At worst, you will have created an environment that is hotter than the hinges on the gates to hell, and you can’t get cool. ( Chugging the five-gallon water cooler bottle might help. Well…maybe not.)

1 If you are in the heat, do not think your pets have some magic immunity to the high temperatures. If you do, at best, you may need to cool them off quickly. At worst, you may need to get them to the nearest vet for emergency treatment. Okay, this one is serious, and all too often, people forget to keep their pets (and children, sorry to say) protected from the effects of high temperatures. Don’t be one of those people.

Top Ten Things Not to do When the Stock Market Goes Nuts.

May 9, 2022May 8, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

Before we get into the Top Ten list, I want to let you know that I will be attending my oldest grandaughter’s college graduation in Indiana and taking a log break from Wednesday, May 11th until Thursday, May 19th. I will be monitoring e-mails but not posting and probably not visiting blogs. I have not taken a break since I started blogging in 2013. The inspiration for this break comes from my Mac is still in repair, and my Dell PC weighs more than me, so it is staying home. I’m really lousy at communicating on the iPhone, so I decided it was break time. I’m letting you know because at my age, when I stop blogging, most figure I died, and that is not the case. I will send another reminder with each post until Wednesday.

This post was originally published in August of 2015. Since the stock market has had a wild ride this month I figure it is still good advice.

* * *

The inspiration for this list is last week’s volatility in the price of stocks. Although I was tempted to do almost all of them, I refrained and kept myself under control. Hopefully, I will keep the list handy for the next time since I have a feeling there will be many more thrill rides this year.

Top Ten Things Not to do When the Stock Market Goes Nuts.

10 When the stock market goes nuts, do not go near an open window. If you do, at best, you will think about jumping out. At worst, you will take a jump and then realize the window is on the ground floor. (Pretty embarrassing dropping thirty-six inches)

9 When the stock market goes nuts, do not call your broker. If you do, at best, they will talk you into calming down. At worst, you and your broker will be calm as you lose 20% of your 401K. (Now, don’t you feel better after the call?)

8 When the stock market goes nuts, do not panic. If you do, at best, you will embarrass yourself in front of co-workers and family. At worst, you will need to seek a specialist on hair replacement when the panic is over. (That bare spot on the side definitely needs attention)

7 When the stock market goes nuts, do not sell anything. If you do, at best, you will feel in control but poorer. At worst, you will incur losses that will take years to replace, and now you waited too long to get back in, and the prices are already too high. (I know it’s complicated)

6 When the stock market goes nuts, do not listen to the analysts’ advice. If you do, at best, you will make a sudden move, and you will be already too late to save money. At worst, you will listen to the wrong analysis and do the opposite of the right thing. (After all, no two analysts have the same advice)

5 When the stock market goes nuts, do not let others know how bad things look. If you do, at best, you will have to deal with their concerns and advice and the problem of lost value. At worst, you will be compelled to make an unwarranted move to convince others you are in control. (This is true if you are the custodian of others’ funds)

4 When the stock market goes nuts, do not check your accounts. If you do, at best, you will be tempted to make a sudden ill-advised move. At worst, you will focus on the negative reports to the point where you will need shock therapy to make a comeback. (Positive reports are not valuable in the current situation.)

3 When the stock market goes nuts, do not read the financial news. If you do, At best, you will be convinced the world is coming to an end. At worst, you will need to have a cardiologist on speed dial to handle your recurring symptoms of heart failure. (Makes you want to be a trained EMS tech so you can self-administer defibrillation. Of course, you can take those paddles yourself, right?)

2 When the stock market goes nuts, do not go into the local pub. If you do, at best, the problem will still be there tomorrow, along with that gigantic throbbing head sharing your bed. At worst, you will get it into your mind to have it out once and for all with the stock seller person, and the police intercept you before you get to where they live. (Don’t worry about the DUI. As bad as it is, it’s easier to handle than what you were thinking about doing last night.)

1 When the stock market goes nuts, do not forget why you invested in stocks in the first place. If you do, at best, you’ll neglect your long-range financial goals. At worst, you will put all your money into a box under the bed with the possibility that it will be worth much less in the future or a burglar will find it. (Not to mention you arguing with the firefighters about getting back into your burning house.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time

May 2, 2022May 1, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments

This post originally ran on June 8th, 2015. However, since there are still graduations, it will be okay to review them again.

* * *

The inspiration for this list is the fact that it is graduation season. When you think of all the graduations held in the US alone, you realize the potential exists that these ten things occur with similar results. I hope you enjoy the list and can manage to avoid them.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time

10 If you are a graduate, do not put something dumb on your mortar. If you do, at best, even if your family sees you, they will not want to admit you belong to them. At worst, the picture taken of your message will go viral and will show up every time someone searches your name on Google, including prospective employers. (Maybe you should have used five-letter words)

9 If you are a parent of a graduate, do not blow any type of horn when your child receives their diploma. If you do, at best, you will cause your kid to want to find another home. At worst, that big well-trained guy in front of you is fighting a hangover and will help you stow your horn where you will not want it stored. (Don’t even try to think where that might be.)

8 If you are a speaker at a graduation, do not tell the graduates that the world is looking to them for salvation. If you do, at best, your cliché will remind everyone just how out of it you are. At worst, your words will be quoted in some satirical publications that will point out just how many times graduating classes have heard the exact words throughout the millennium. (Maybe that Speeches for Dummies book wasn’t a good idea.)

7 If your graduate has decided to skip the ceremony, do not fight the decision. If you do, at best, your child will make attending the ceremony sound like parental abuse. At worst, the child will attend with something dumb written on the mortar to the tune of “my parents made me do this.” (You can expect the message to be broadcast worldwide.)

6 If your family is experiencing a graduation, do not think this indicates your job as a parent is complete. If you do, at best, you will be surprised by requests for help as life commences. At worst, you will need counseling to overcome the feeling of failure as your child moves into what was your spare room. (Can’t last forever. Or can it?)

5 If you are the graduation ceremony organizer, do not think everything will run smoothly because of your careful planning. If you do, at best, you will be unprepared when there is a long period when no one can hear the speaker. At worst, you will not know what to do with a thousand champaign corks bouncing off the facility and school officials even though you banned the presence of alcohol at the ceremony. (Call the SWAT team. They’ll know what to do.)

4 If you are holding a graduation party, do not leave your house even though you trust your loving child to be trustworthy and in control. If you do, at best, a few more guests who were not expected will attend with little consequence. At worst, the state police will be looking for you to help fund the fire department, EMS, and SWAT team expenses incurred to break up the party and put out the fire destroying your and two neighbors’ houses. ( It’s just money, right?)

3 If you have a graduate, do not overdo the gift. If you do, at best, your child will expect a similar prize for other accomplishments. At worst, someday, it will need to be replaced. ( The words about the child being on their own when you gave the gift are forgotten.)

2 If you are attending a graduation ceremony, do not treat the event as if it is a football game. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks when you enter the stand with the team colors and jersey. At worst, you will get many people wanting to take the bratwurst you are grilling at your tailgate gathering. (The keg of beer is a nice touch.)

1 If you have a graduate, do not keep telling them how amazed you are that they made it through school. If you do, at best, they will think you did not have faith in their abilities. At worst, you will give the child a complex that will manifest in the longing for a career in fast food service as a grill person. ( You want fries with that?)

)

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Plan to Attend a MLB Game

April 18, 2022April 17, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments

We are all not Major League Baseball fans but if you are, here is some advice written back in April of 2016

* * *

This list has inspired the fact that the Major League Baseball season is underway, and there are things you need to know if you plan to attend a game.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Plan to Attend an MLB Game.

10 If you plan to attend a game, do not call in sick to work. If you do, at best, no one will see you that day. At worst, you will be highlighted as the 1,000,000th attendee, including an interview playing on the 6:00 and 10:00 news. (You hope that fake nose, mustache, and glasses get up will keep your boss in the dark.)

9 If you plan to attend a game, do not bring your favorite glove in hopes of catching a home run. If you do, at best, those around you will assume you have some kind of mental illness that focuses on balls. At worst, you will have the opportunity to catch a home run ball only to drop it in front of thousands of fans on the jumbotron and those watching the game on TV. (Can you say, “Clumsy idiot,” Bucky?”)

8 If you plan to attend a game, do not drive your car to the ballpark. If you do, at best, you’ll pay more for parking than the ticket. At worst, you’ll have trouble finding a place to park and take up the offer by the guy in sunglasses and a knit cap to watch your car for five dollars. (The tow truck didn’t do too much damage, and you understand a new bumper will cost under a thousand.)

7 If you plan to attend a game and take a date, do not try to avoid the kiss cam by talking on your phone. If you do, at best, this will be the last time with this person. At worst, the commentary from the TV coverage will ensure you may never get a date again. (Sure, you are the Wolf of Wall Street, Ace, and now might be a lone wolf).

6 If you plan to attend a game and want to sit close to the players, do not yell insults that the players can hear. If you do, at best, you’ll get some fierce looks. At worst, you might have to think fast to avoid that Louisville slugger heading your way. (Man! Those bats are hard, aren’t they, Buster?)

5. If you plan to go to the game, do not try to best your old beer per hour record. If you do, at best, you will fall short and be glad later. At worst, you will soundly beat your old record, which you will celebrate by calling trains (Pittsburgh, Poughkeepsie, and Albuquerque) in the ceramic microphone. (Those cheese nachos looked better an hour ago, didn’t they? Ferd.)

4 If you plan to go to the game, do not think it will be a cheap day. If you do, at best, you will have sticker shock at the end of the day. At worst, you will overspend to the point that you realize you could have had a trip to a lovely resort. (Who was to know those peanut’s prices were by the piece rather than the bag.)

3 If you plan to go to the game, do not sit in a part of the stadium where the away team fans sit and root for your team. If you do, at best, everyone will take your loyalties good-naturedly. At worst, you may find that the guy everyone calls Brutus has finally had it with your cheers and decides to give you a close-up view of a knuckle sandwich. (It was a brief look before the lights went out, wasn’t it?)

2 If you plan to go to the game, do not keep up a running chatter about the team and individual statistics. If you do, at best, you have everyone wanting to move away. At worst, while you impress yourself, you are not paying attention to that large man with cauliflower ears pushing people out of his way and heading in your direction. (It seems odd that he can pick you up by the neck, doesn’t it?)

1 If you plan to attend a game, do not assume that the umpire is not qualified and has been on the waiting list for a Lasik procedure. If you do, at best, your accusations of sight and skill problems will fall on deaf ears. At worst, security will help you to a position in the park where no one can hear you. (If you need help, you are now in a place where no one can hear you scream. Heh heh heh.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Think You Will Win a Contest or the Lotto

April 11, 2022April 10, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

Here is a post from May 4th, 2015, that has some advice that may still be worthwhile. I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

This list was inspired by reading a story about a person who had a dream that they were a Lotto winner and went out and bought new cars before the drawing.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Think You Will Win a Contest or the Lotto

10 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not quit your day job until the drawing is over. If you do, at best, your boss won’t take you seriously when you give a reason for resigning. At worst, the Publisher Clearing House Award Team will knock on your door only to discover they have made a mistake. (Your neighbor with the constantly barking dog is the actual winner.)

9 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not brag to your in-laws before the drawing. If you do, at best, they will believe you are a little naive. At worst, your father-in-law will present an IOU for the amount of money he has loaned to your spouse. (The bill will still be due even if you don’t win.)

8 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not sign the papers for that beautiful new house until after the drawing. If you do, at best, you will be the proud owner of two homes and utterly broke. At worst, the Federal government will want to talk about the amount of income you stated on the bank loan forms of twenty million, which was used to approve the loan. (They keep mumbling vaguely about something called bank fraud.)

7 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not tell all your friends before the drawing. If you do, at best, they will want the money back for the drinks they bought you. At worst, they will think you won and are avoiding their requests for a loan. (Never thought you had so many broke friends did you?)

6 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not put off saving for retirement. If you do, at best, you will need to keep working until you have enough to retire. At worst, you will retire and find out you need to work more. (No one is hiring someone that dumb.)

5 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not put your house up for sale until after the drawing. If you do, at best, you will sell it and need to find another. At worst, you will sell your house and find you don’t have enough money to buy one of similar value. ( The bank just said you don’t qualify for a loan.)

4 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not tell your boss exactly what you think of them before the drawing. If you do, at best, your boss will send you for a mental evaluation, and all will be forgotten. At worst, you will say things you want to retract, but you know a retraction is impossible even as you pack for your new assignment in North Korea. (Don’t forget the down jacket with the red star.)

3 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not avoid setting up a college fund. If you do, at best, your kids will be so bright and talented that they will win full scholarships to Ivy League schools. At worst, your kids will have to take jobs and loans to get through college and eventually find their way back to your basement. (Good to see them more frequently, right?).

2 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not invest in that oil well with your brother-in-law before the drawing. If you do, at best, you have given your brother-in-law a gift. At worst, the oil well came in dry. (I’m not sure that scratch-off ticket is going to help.)

1 If you think you will win a contest or the Lotto, do not buy that expensive gift for your partner before the drawing. If you do, at best, you will be thanked for the thought. At worst, you will have to return the gift and explain why you bought it in the first place. (Whichever way the excuse comes out, it will still sound like you have lost your mind.)

Top Ten Writing Things Not to Discuss with Anyone Who’s Not a Writer

April 4, 2022April 3, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 98 Comments

Top Ten Writing Things Not to Discuss with Anyone Who’s Not a Writer

10 If you are a writer, do not discuss how hard it is to write. If you do, at best, you’ll get an eye roll. At worst, you’ll be talking to someone who disarms bombs for a living and will laugh out loud in your face. ( Your comments now seem so first-world, don’t they?)

9 If you are a writer, do not discuss your characters as if they are real. If you do, at best, you will find people avoiding you. At worst, you will be talking to someone who has an imaginary friend that they believe would be a perfect protagonist for your next book. (Sure, glad you mentioned them, right?)

8 If you are a writer, do not discuss your latest plot breakthrough. If you do, at best, you will be given laundry to do. At worst, the entire family will suddenly disappear, knowing you can’t wait to tell them how you solved the plot hole. (Maybe the weather is an excellent subject to discuss.)

7 If you are a writer, do not discuss your latest review. If you do, at best, you will be talking to someone who couldn’t care less. At worst, you could be talking to a person who just finished your book and had not thought of the negative points brought up by the reviewer and has to leave quickly to downgrade their review on Amazon. (I hear bourbon is an excellent treatment for foot in mouth disease.)

6 If you are a writer, do not discuss your book with friends. If you do., at best, they will all pledge to read and review your book, and you know they won’t. At worse, you will tell some spoilers, and the person you are regaling with the tale now has no reason to buy and read the book. (Might have been your only sale this month)

5 If you are a writer, do not discuss how hard it is to market your book. If you do, at best, the person you are talking to will not understand anything you are saying. At worst, they may ask, “Who forced you to write the damn thing anyway?” (The word touche has perfect application here.)

4 If you are a writer, do not discuss your book with your partner. If you do, at best, you will get a smile and a head nod. At worst, you might get some advice that you know you will not follow. (Your ignoring the guidance will only become critical if your partner reads it and sees you didn’t follow the advice.)

3 If you are a writer, do not discuss your royalty arrangements. If you do, at best, you will confirm that your writing is a hobby. At worst, you will demonstrate to others that you have entirely lost your mind in pursuing a writing career. (Maybe keeping that day job is a good idea.)

2 If you are a writer, do not discuss word counts. If you do, at best, the person who is listening to your minimum production will be polite enough not to walk away. At worst, you will be talking to someone who thinks one hundred of anything is a lot and will be so blown away with your thousands they will expect you to buy dinner. (The joy of being a word millionaire.)

1 If you are a writer, do not discuss formats, downloads, Amazon, cover art, fonts, or KDP. If you do, at best, the person will be so impressed that they won’t fall asleep immediately. (only temporary, however) At worst, your conversation will be interrupted by a phone call even if you didn’t hear the phone ring. (You were on a roll, and gotta wonder how long can a phone call last?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Changing Internet, Phone, or TV Providers

March 28, 2022March 27, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 83 Comments

Originally posted on April 13, 2015, when a new provider was needed. However, I think these might still be useful.

* * *

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Changing Internet, Phone, or TV Providers

10 If you are changing providers, do not expect anything to work that day. If you do, at best, you will be frustrated. At worst, you will need someone handy to apply some electroshock to bring you back. (This technology should not be so difficult.)

9 If you are changing providers, do not let them touch anything until verifying the price. If you do, at best, the price will be the same as agreed. At worst, some clod in the sales department quoted you a price on just half the equipment, and now the COD charge is twice the quote. (and your other provider has already disconnected your service.)

8 If you are changing providers, do not let the tech leave until you try everything. If you do, at best, there will be no batteries in the remotes. At worst, your internet and TV resemble something driven by a captured mouse on a wheel that hasn’t had a square meal in weeks. (Maybe Edison put this stuff together.)

7 If you are changing providers, do not let them come to the house until they have confirmed your old phone number will be ready to hook up. If you do, at best, you will be given a temporary number until your old number is available. At worst, the old number will not be available for a few weeks, and in the meantime, your number is one digit off from an all-night at-home massage service. (The company’s name is Happy Ending, which should tell you something.)

6 If you are changing providers, do not think all your precious recordings on the old DVR will stay with you. If you do, at best, you will be surprised. At worst, you will sadly realize those episodes of NCIS that you were going to watch over the summer no longer exist, and you will have no idea how the season and the series end. (Sure, you could subscribe to a streaming service if your credit score exceeds 25.)

5 If you are changing providers, pay no attention when the tech says, “Oh-oh, that’s not good.” If you do, at best, you will lose confidence in getting service quickly. At worst, you will be drawn into a conflict between the tech and his home office over whether or not you are in the TV service area. (It makes you feel like you live on an island.)

4 If you are changing providers, do not plan on getting anything else done that day. If you do, at best, you will be hard-pressed to cancel plans. At worst, you will have planned an important meeting that was to take place in the afternoon but since the tech is still working you have a decision between getting TV, Internet and phone service or keeping your job. (Not much of a choice. Take the entertainment.)

3 If you are changing providers, do not suggest to the tech that there might be a better way to install something. If you do, at best, the tech will ignore you. At worst, the tech will follow your direction, and because you were not clear, you now have a significant hole in the wall between your living and dining room and a not-so-attractive black cable running across the floor. (be careful and don’t trip on that thing.)

2 If you are changing providers, do not plan on downloading those large files from work. If you do, at best, your temporary download speed will mean the job will be finished sometime in June. At worst, the sensitive Federal documents and files you are attempting to download show up on your neighbor’s computer. (Sadly, your neighbor works for WiKi-leaks, and now a Homeland Security SWAT team is pounding on your front door.)

1 If you are changing providers, do not plan on using the equipment for at least three days and twenty-four hours on the cell phone with the customer and technical support. If you do, at best, you will be wondering why you are participating in this particular hell. At worst, we will be watching the late news seeing you on top of the provider’s customer care center blinded by bright searchlights and being ordered not to jump. (or even worse, to put the automatic weapon down)