Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Dining Room Table

November 21, 2022November 20, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

This post originally ran on November 28th, 2016. I think with the approaching Thanksgiving holiday, it would be a good thing to review it again. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came from the just completed Thanksgiving feast. I was very observant and did not see any of these things at our dining room table. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 At the dining room table, do not burp out loud. If you do, at best, you can recover with an “excuse me.” At worst, all the relatives will now have verified evidence that you are an animal. (They long suspected it was true, and you just gave them confirmation, Ferd)

9 At the dining room table, do not help yourself to food from someone else’s plate. If you do, at best, you’ll be told to stop. At worst, your cousin Tiny, the WWF champ, will demonstrate a new hold. (Quit whining. That hand will be okay once you get a cast, Bunky)

8 At the dining room table, do not chew your food with your mouth open. If you do, at best, you will gross out your family. At worst, grandma will take the opportunity to lecture everyone on proper manners. (Nothing like a two-hour tutorial on chewing with your mouth closed to put everyone on edge)

7 At the dining room table, do not assume your hostess meant for you to eat the fruit and nasturtiums out of the centerpiece. If you do, at best, you will be thought of as odd. At worst, your hostess will calmly advise everyone that the centerpiece is to be donated to the local old folks’ home, and she would appreciate it if there was something left to give. (Your face and the red table runner are the same color, huh, Wheezer)

6 At the dining room table, do not talk about sex, politics, or religion. If you do, at best, no one will follow suit. At worst, you will be the root cause of a donnybrook that does not have a good ending. (Those police officers are here to escort you to the station, Bud. It seems your brother-in-law didn’t take kindly to the wine bottle bonk.)

5 At the dining room table, do not insist on rolling in the TV to watch football. If you do, at best, this will be your last invitation to dinner. At worst, your table mates will shout at each other above the game’s noise, and it won’t be worth the hassle. (Did you ever think you should be on a deserted island, Buster?)

4 At the dining room table, do not text or otherwise use your phone. If you do, at best, your family’s looks should make you stop. At worst, someone will finally pluck the phone from your hand. (If you’re lucky, they won’t dump it in the gravy bowl)

3 At the dining room table, do not make any Earth-shattering announcements. If you do, at best, the long silence will be a killer. At worst, everyone will be thrown into disarray and will be sorry for whatever they said in reaction later. (Surely you could have waited to announce you were running away to join the circus, Chum)

2 At the dining room table, do not do your best imitation of a strong silent type. If you do, at best, the conversation will be on everything but your interests. At worst, your table mates will believe something is bothering you and won’t let it rest until you come clean. (They were sure surprised to learn that what they see is what they get, Dork.)

1 At the dining room table, do not think you must race everyone to a clean plate. If you do, at best, you’ll be waiting a long time for others to finish. At worst, the general impression will be that you haven’t had a good meal for a while. (That sure flies in the face of all that success bragging you were doing before dinner, huh, Bruser?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town

November 7, 2022November 6, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 94 Comments

This post originally ran on October 24, 2016. Since our significant others still leave, I think it is still relevant. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list was a traveling Producer two weeks ago. She was visiting the youngest for an extended weekend. I say the inspiration was her visit; nothing in this list pertains to me. Ahem.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town

10 If your significant other is out of town, do not organize an all-night card party. If you do, at best, there will be minor damage that can be covered up. At worst, the guest who never gets drunk decides to have too much of a dark red Cabernet just before passing out holding a full glass on your significant other’s favorite white couch. (You might as well set fire to the house right now.)

9 If your significant other is out of town, do not decide to create and work on your own to-do list. If you do, at best, you might get one thing on the list right. At worst, you will finish the list only to discover that all the items were things your significant other wanted to do. (Well, you now have a big problem since you know everything needs to be redone.)

8 If your significant other is out of town, do not even think of not doing the dishes. If you don’t do them, at best, the homecoming will be less joyous. At worst, that heavy trash can is a hint that your dirty dishes no longer exist. (You could have saved yourself on this one, Bunkie. You were warned.)

7 If your significant other is out of town, do not take the kids or dogs for a new haircut. If you do, at best, you will have to repeat the rule on which part of parenting you are not responsible. At worst, you will end up at the hair cutter demanding another cut. (You also have orders not to pay another red cent. So, now you have to hide the payment as well.)

6 If your significant other is out of town, do not rearrange the furniture. If you do, at best, your significant other will trip and fall over the ottoman which wasn’t there before. At worst, deep relationship issues around change communication could result. (You didn’t know the depth of insecurity there, did you?)

5 If your significant other is out of town, do not think putting the spices in alphabetical order is a good idea. If you do, at best, your significant other will be confused at first but catch on. At worst, you will be asked one hundred times to locate the chili powder. (Some people just don’t get the idea of chili powder being under “C” and not “P,” no matter how many times you explain it to Tiny, who, as WWF world wrestling Champ, should get it.)

4 If your significant other is out of town, do not use treats to get the kids or pets to behave. If you do, at best, they will rat you out immediately upon the significant other’s return. At worst, you will have created a behavior modification system requiring increasing amounts of treats to sustain. (It is like being on a substance abuse treadmill, isn’t it, Grover.)

3 If your significant other is out of town, do not lock yourself out of the house. If you do, at best, you can convince one of the kids to open the door. At worst, you will become increasingly hysterical as your darling children not only refuse to open the door but decide to begin playing chef with your butane Cream Brule caramelizing torch. (Try explaining this one, Buford.)

2 If your significant other is out of town, do not forget to follow the plant watering instructions to the letter. If you do forget, at best, the droops will go away after you do remember. At worst, you spot the prize orchid taking a dive just as your significant other pulls into the driveway. (This was the orchid that would have taken first place at the flower show that your spouse has been working on for over a year. It just doesn’t get any worse.)

1 If your significant other is out of town, do not expect a souvenir. If you do, at best, your reward will be a small bottle of conditioner from Days Inn. At worst, you will get a T-shirt that reads, “My significant other went to Las Vegas, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt,” two sizes too small. (Another car polish rag, right Ralph?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Time Changes

October 24, 2022October 23, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

Halloween falls on the Monday before the changing of clocks on November 6th. The post on that Monday will be devoted to Top Ten Things not to Do on Halloween. Therefore, it might be a good idea to discuss the fall back routine of Daylight Savings time. This post was first run on November 14th, 2016. I think the advice is still good.

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I dislike the time change situation and have to guard against doing some unnatural things during the “getting used to” period. I hope this list is not too late.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Time Changes

10 When there is a time change, do not think “fall back ” will really give you an hour of extra sleep. If you do, at best, you will be grumpy and disappointed. At worst, you will hold a grudge against the government until the “spring forward” time comes around. (Those threatening letters to the President have a way of coming back to haunt you. Don’t they felon?)

9 When there is a time change, do not expect your pets to understand the difference. If you do, at best, you will have a lot of whining around the house. At worst, those routines that are now disrupted will cause some significant animal errors. (What part of going outside by 7:00 did you miss trying to extend the visit by an hour?)

8 When there is a time change, do not expect your boss to understand your inability to adapt. If you do, at best, your boss has the same problem. At worst, the meeting called for your performance appraisal was an hour ago. (I’ll bet you are not happy with your raise this year, Ferd. Is giving back some of last year’s a thing?)

7 When there is a time change, do not think the rest of the world needs to understand your disorganization. If you do, at best, you will only miss a couple of scheduled events. At worst, your no-show profile will be noted, and the next event invitation will conveniently arrive one hour after the event is over. (There is only so much planners can take; after all, it’s been three months since the change.)

6 When there is a time change, do not forget to reset your timers. If you do forget, at best, there will be minor inconveniences until set. At worst, that oven setting will be an hour late, and you’ll be faced with raw chicken, and you invited your boss for dinner. (Lucky you, a Kentucky Fried outlet is just down the block. What you don’t know is your boss can’t eat fried food and just walked through the front door.)

5 When there is a time change, do not forget it gets dark earlier in the fall. If you do, at best, you’ll need to remember a flashlight next time. At worst, that sinkhole visible in the light somehow disappears in the dark. (That is until you manage to step in it and go up to your knees in freezing water, huh, Bunky?)

4 When there is a time change, do not take out on others the fact that you are out of sorts. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, you will insult those whose job it is to serve you. (You can’t tell, but Tiny, the WWF champ, is heading to your table to personally deliver the perfectly cooked meal you sent back. It seems that Tiny was on probation as a chef, and your meal was the test case. Hope your health insurance is in effect, Buster.)

3 When there is a time change, do not keep one clock on the previous time. If you do, at best, you might pay attention to that clock and miss something. At worst, you will keep reminding yourself of your unfortunate lack of ability to adapt and continue to measure your life in terms of what is missing as opposed to what you have. (A deep philosophical point that can be summed up with the word “stubborn.” Right, Clyde?)

2 When there is a time change, do not be concerned that you have to calculate scheduled times for your favorite shows. If you do, at best, you will miss a few shows due to your own error. At worst, you will employ a tremendous amount of effort only to discover the shows are on at the same time as usual. (Makes one feel foolish, doesn’t it, Homer)

1 When there is a time change, do not attempt to change your car clock yourself. If you do, at best, you’ll realize quickly you need help. At worst, you’ll make some adjustment that has never been seen before and will require a replacement clock to fix. (The clock reset is a little car manufacturer humor built into each car. Maybe this is the only exception to point number three.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Windy Day

October 17, 2022October 16, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 93 Comments

This post was published originally on November 9th, 2015. Although the wind has not been bad this fall, it just might turn and come in handy.

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The inspiration for this list is the over twenty-five-mile-an-hour winds we have been experiencing since Thursday. Most of these warnings are a matter of common sense, but in the spirit of public service, I will state the obvious. Hope you enjoy it.

The Top Things Not to do on a Windy Day

10 On a windy day, do not think it is a good time to inspect your roof for leaks. If you do, at best, the fire department rescue team will not be happy getting you down from there. At worst, you now need the rescue team to splint and bandage the results of a three-story fall. (Recall your last words? “Honest honey, I’ll be careful.”)

9 On a windy day, do not spit, period. If you do, at best, you might catch a gust in the opposite direction. At worst, you will need to pause your busy schedule for a shower. (Too bad you were eating licorice at the time.)

8 On a windy day, do not think you can control the weed and grass killer spray. If you do, at best, you will only take out the edge of the lawn. At worst, in three days, your yard will have all the life of the Sahara Desert. (Did you not see the warning on the label? By the way, the damage is permanent)

7 On a windy day, do not think you can spray paint that swing set. If you do, at best, you will have an ongoing shadow of it on your lawn. At worst, the next-door neighbor just realizes his new yellow convertible has a light overlay of Rustoleum brown. (Is that him at the front door with the police?)

6 On a windy day, do not get up on that twenty-four-foot extension ladder. If you do, at best, you will soon be calling for help as you slowly lose your grip on the uppermost gutter. At worst, you and the ladder will end up in your living room after passing through the house’s largest and most expensive picture window. (Don’t worry,. A tourniquet properly applied will stop that gushing. You don’t know what I’m talking about, you say?)

5 On a windy day, do not be coerced into allowing the kids to fly their kites. If you do, at best, one may be dragged through Mrs. Jones’ rose bushes. At worst, the FAA will be asking tough questions about the airspace violation by your kid and his Sponge Bob Square Pant kite. (You were almost sure that tree would have stopped him)

4 On a windy day, do not think going fishing is an excellent way to spend the time. If you do, at best, you’ll end up cold and wet without any fish. At worst, your rescue will be featured on the six o’clock news with the lead in line,” Foolish tourist risks life by ignoring the small craft warnings.” (We forgot to turn on the radio, did we?)

3 On a windy day, do not think the golf game can go on as usual. If you do, at best, you will break your high score and lost ball record. At worst, the wind direction is such that you teed off, the ball comes back and knocks you off your feet, and you get an expensive airlift to the hospital. (You thought that was going to be one of your longest drives)

2 On a windy day, do not take a leisurely walk on the beach. If you do, at best, you will be covered in sand from head to foot. At worst, you will receive dermabrasion with the delightful side benefit of a bird-dropping mask. ( No. That stuff does not wash off.)

1 On a windy day, do not think it is a good time to fertilize the lawn. If you do, at best, you will waste a lot of fertilizer on your neighbor’s property and shrubs. At worst, you will end up in the pulmonology wing of the hospital as a subject of study of the after-effects of poop in the lungs. (I could have worn a mask but nooo too much trouble.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do During a Full Moon

October 10, 2022October 9, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments

This post ran on October 17th, 2016. Since we had a full Hunter’s Moon last night (The same night as the full moon in 2016 ), I thought we could revisit the post since it will still look full tonight, and caution should be exercised.

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Since last night the Hunter’s Moon was full, I was inspired to give some thought as to what we should never do during a full moon. I hope you enjoy it. Oh, for you scientists out there, this is all made up. I write fiction, so when looking for truth, I would suggest any place but here.

Top Ten Things Not to Do During a Full Moon

10 If there is a full moon, do not go into a graveyard just to see what will happen. If you do, at best, you will challenge your all-time best heart rate. At worst, the total recall of Blair Witch Project will have you running for your life. (So you thought you had everything under control, didn’t you?)

9 If there is a full moon, do not ask that cloaked stranger for directions. If you do, at best, it will be too distracted by the moon to answer you. At worst, it will offer you a ride that will be your last. (Those hairy hands should have been a big clue)

8 If there is a full moon, do not back into any rooms, period. If you do, at best, you might trip and fall. At worst, that snarling thing you thought you saw in the backyard is now behind you. (Every moviegoer knows better, Bunkie)

7 If there is a full moon, do not act on the urge to make hay. If you do, at best, there won’t be a lot of grass where you live. At worst, the farmer will think you are poaching his hay and call the police. (Or worse yet, use that rock salt-loaded shotgun to clear his field.)

6 if there is a full moon, do not think your neighbors would appreciate a serenade about the moon and a spoon. If you do, at best, you will suddenly realize why the term “rotten tomatoes” is used to rate talent. At worst, the magistrate will have a tough time trying to justify letting you go free. (Maybe the psychological evaluation will put everyone at ease)

5 If there is a full moon, resist the urge to skinny dip. If you can’t, at best, a quick dip with no one the wiser will be your fate. At worst, after the dog takes your clothes and you are chasing him, the spotlight of your neighbor’s security system bathes you in the light of high noon. (There is a tape that goes with that light, and your neighbor has a pretty high price tag on it)

4 If there is a full moon, under no circumstances do you need to harvest anything. If this advice falls on deaf ears, at best, stick with canned goods. At worst, your quest for a fresh pumpkin at Whole Foods after hours could net you a free night in the county lockup. ( Your roommate Tiny is not the type to feel good about you after the slamming cell door at midnight.)

3 If there is a full moon, do not argue with the traffic officer who just pulled you over. If you do, at best, you’ve guaranteed yourself a ticket. At worst, the officer may be a graduate of an anger management treatment series. (It seems that his events are always triggered during a full moon)

2 If there is a full moon, do not enter a political chat room with the idea of defending your choice for President. If you do, at best, you will be able to turn off your computer. At worst, somehow, the room has discovered your real identity and is threatening to come right over. (Looks like you might need to leave town for a while, huh, Grover?)

1 If there is a full moon, do not answer your door or phone. If you do, at best, it will be someone you know. At worst, there will be a character you’ve never known saying, “I know what you did last summer.” (Yeah, this one is bad. You need to run now.)

Top Ten Things Not to Expect From Others

September 26, 2022September 25, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 85 Comments

This post originally ran in November 2015. Since I don’t believe humans have changed much since then, I think it is worth a revisit.

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This list is inspired by a study of the results of expecting others to react in a certain way and being totally fooled. As a reminder, this list is intended for humor only and is not the output of a detailed study on the subject. Universities and corporations should be cautious about asking me to take up residence based on a misconceived opinion that I have some unique qualifications in predicting human behavior. (Hell,o Harvard. I’m talking to you.)

Top Ten Things Not to Expect From Others

10 If you are pulled over by a police officer, do not expect to be excused for the reason you were pulled over. If you do, at best, your friendly attitude might be interpreted as something to hide. At worst, your question of “How do we make this go away?” might be construed as a bribe offer. (You sure look funny on the hood of that patrol car, especially with your arms handcuffed behind your back)

9 If you answer the grocery clerks, question; “Did you find everything today?” with an honest answer about missing items, don’t expect a positive response. If you do, at best, you won’t like what you hear. At worst, the fact that the clerk shrugs and says “whatever” causes you to completely lose your cool and are forcibly removed from the store. (Yes, you were right in wondering why they ask if nothing is to be done, but sitting in this mud puddle is the last thing you expected to happen.)

8 If you call an appliance repair person, do not expect the machine to be repaired on the initial visit. If you do, at best, you will need to rearrange your schedule for another visit. At worst, you will make a fool out of yourself by asking the repair person questions for which they have no answer. (You need to know the first visit is diagnostic. The second is repair, and the third is the repair of the repair)

7 If you go to an electronics store, do not think there is someone there who can help. If you do, at best, you will need to go home and Google your problem more carefully. At worst, you will buy the splitter or whatnot that is supposed to fix the problem only to find you now need a new transformer. (You see, most of the employees have a life and can’t be bothered reading about the technology.)

6 If you place a call to customer care, do not believe anyone you talk to is going to disprove the fact that “customer care” is an oxymoron. If you do, at best, you are in for a bumpy ride indeed. At worst, you will finally escalate the call to someone of higher rank who will tell you to quit bothering them. (Your feelings got hurt, didn’t they? Bunkie)

5 If you spend extra money on a warranty, do not expect your problem to be covered. If you do, at best, the realization that you wasted your money will set in quickly. At worst, you and the warranty company will get into a battle of wills that could end up in court. (Guess who has more money for lawyers?)

4 If you ask your server which entrée they recommend, do not think the recommendation is about the best dish. If you do, at best, you will over-expect what will be under-delivered. At worst, you will realize you have been had by the server in cahoots with the owner to move a dish that even the help wouldn’t eat for dinner, which was free to them. (Don’t send it back. Right, now it is 99% spit-free. It may not come back that way.)

3 If you have a friend in the car business, do not expect a good deal on the car you are about to buy. If you do, at best, you will probably pay 20% more than the friend’s enemies pay. At worst, your friend will take his commission and buy a car that is bigger and nicer than yours without even a thank you. (You will continue to wonder how he could afford such a car, and at some quiet moment, it will hit you.)

2 If you arrange for a contractor to do some work, do not expect the final bill to be at or under the bid price. If you do, at best, the surprise factor of the overrun will cause you a visit to the ER. At worst, you realize you won’t have the money for the additional costs, and your contractor resembles Marlon Brando in the Godfather when he explains how “we have a problem.” (You should have checked with the Better Business Bureau before taking the lowball bid. Now it looks like you are going on a long ride in a big black car.)

1 If you hire a party planner, do not expect the party to be like your original thought. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to relax and enjoy yourself. At worst, the theme you rejected twelve times will be the one for the evening. Although you are trying to keep an open mind, you still are having trouble warming to the zombie apocalypse décor. (Is that a server’s arm lying on the floor?)

Top Ten Things to Pass Up Even if on Discount

September 12, 2022September 12, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 120 Comments

This post was originally published on September 14, 2015. I think we can squeeze in a bit of learning from it still. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list is inspired by watching some of the funny things people buy solely because they are being offered at a discounted price. Of course, I’ve taken the list to extremes (which I’m sure you have come to understand by now), but the spirit still lives.

Top Ten Things to Pass Up Even if on Discount

10 Even on discount, do not purchase cut-rate bungee jumping lessons. If you do, at best, you will only be scared poopless. At worst, your family will wonder what you were thinking as they hold a memorial for your three-foot-tall body. (Not to mention that you are six feet wide as well)

9 Even on discount, do not purchase cut-rate meat. If you do, at best, you will only miss a couple of days’ work. At worst, you will be one of the morbidity statistics as the USDA issues a countrywide recall of the E-coli tainted horse meat. (It tasted good going in, right?)

8 Even at a discount, do not buy a truckload of cut-rate toilet tissue. If you do, at best, you will spend more on storage than the original price. At worst, you will be selected for the Dr. Phil TV show segment “Am I full of it since I can’t stop myself from feeling like I need more toilet tissue.” (You’ve noticed how thin the paper is and have taken appropriate action, right?)

7 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate hair restorative product. If you do, at best, you will need to explain your new Day-Glo orange color to the boss. At worst, you will be going through the day answering to the name Uncle Fester and fielding cue ball and reflecting head jokes. ( You always thought Yul Brenner was cool looking, right?)

6 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate wrinkle injection. If you do, at best, you might resemble Donald Duck for a few months. At worst, you read about your doctor being accused by the FDA of using industrial silicone for some procedures, and now you know why you haven’t been able to feel your cheeks. (You do look good, though.)

5 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate parachute for skydiving. If you do, at best, you could experience the thrill of trying to slow down with a tattered canopy. At worst, you will make a lasting impression in the field as you land without the benefit of an active drag-creating device. (Looking as if you did it on purpose doesn’t help the bystanders forget.)

4 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate beer. If you do, at best, you will have all the taste and satisfaction of drinking carbonated defrost. At worst, you will realize your mistake as you read the label and see that the product is 99% salmonella free. (You only noticed that after six bottles, right?)

3 Even at a discount, do not buy cut-rate gold. If you do, at best, you won’t notice until the day your neck and finger turn green. At worst, you will realize that you have paid the highest amount of money for the least amount of gold, and you thought a pound would be a good buy. (you now have an attractive doorstop. Don’t get it wet.)

2 Even at a discount, do not buy cut-rate fruit. If you do, at best, you will have enough left after you cull the spoiled to make one salad. At worst, the USDA you may call to ask you to donate your generations of fruit flies to genetic research. (And you thought those spots in front of your eyes resulted from too little sleep.)

1 Even at a discount, do not buy a cut-rate used car. If you do, at best, you will understand the phrase “Get a horse.” At worst, you might be called by your homeowner association to move what they interpret as a mobile home for stray animals out of your driveway. (It seemed like a good idea to leave the windows down to circulate fresh air since the thing wouldn’t run, right?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are a Writer

August 22, 2022August 21, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 86 Comments

This post was published on November 21, 2016. Still good advice if you are a writer.

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The inspiration for this list is thinking back on all my mistakes while trying to become a writer. Not that I made all of them, but maybe some. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are a Writer

10 If you are a writer, do not kill a child or a pet in your story. If you do, at best, the fallout will blow over in two years or so. At worst, you will be cavorting with some strange characters in your new witness protection plan. (Don’t get cute with a pen name, either. They will find you)

9 If you are a writer, do not show friends and family portions of your work in process. If you do, at best, you’ll pick up some unwanted advice on plot direction. At worst, your family will now wonder how in the world you ever got the experience to write that sex scene. (Just how do you explain that one, Buford?)

8 If you are a writer, do not think you can take a vacation. If you do, at best, your characters will haunt your every moment until you get back to the manuscript. At worst, you’ll suddenly let your insecure inner self convince you to quit and become a McDonald’s employee. (At least the money will be better, huh, Clyde?)

7 If you are a writer, do not tell people at a cocktail party what you do. If you do, at best, they’ll smile and walk away. At worst, you will have to listen to a potential best-selling synopsis that takes over an hour to relate by someone thinking of writing a book. (Like it is the easiest thing to do, Ferd)

6 If you are a writer, do not think your life will end when the manuscript is done. If you do, at best, your story will take on epic proportions. At worst, you may get the heaviest book award from the New Apple Book Awards group. (You didn’t know that was a category? It was established primarily for you. No, your manuscript cannot be returned since the flatbed truck is unavailable.)

5 If you are a writer, do not let your characters take control of the story. If you do, at best, you’ll have a pack of amateurs running the show. At worst, your story will take on the appearance of a three-ring circus (You hadn’t intended to write about entertainment, did you, Ernest?)

4 If you are a writer, do not be in a hurry to get published. If you are, at best, you may have a plot hole that no one will notice. At worst, the grammar, plot, character, and continuity issues might gain you all the one-star reviews you can handle. (Quite a shock, huh?)

3 If you are a writer, do not think you need to do little else. If you do, at best, those few books sold will be gravy. At worst, your status as the great undiscovered but brilliant novelist will remain undisturbed. (Best to write your own eulogy as well.)

2 If you are a writer, do not plan to have your retirement income be solely based on your royalties. If you do, at best, you can cut expenses enough to survive. At worst, you are allergic to the kind of soup at the Salvation Army kitchen. (All your pals are really impressed that you are an author. Right, Bunkie?)

1 If you are a writer, do not argue with your reviewers. If you do, at best, the reviews will not improve. At worst, you may pick on the single reviewer who is classically trained in the martial arts and knows where you live. (Is that Tiny, the WWF champ tearing your front door off the hinges?)

Top Ten Things Not to do If You Don’t Normally Shop for Whatever You are Buying.

August 1, 2022July 31, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 75 Comments

This list was originally posted on October 5th, 2015. I think it still is useful.

This list was inspired by filling in on a few occasions when I needed to venture into places I’ve never been. These examples are not necessarily places where you’ve never been. They are just the places where you are generally not found buying things.

Top Ten Things Not to do If You Don’t Normally Shop for Whatever You Buy.

10 If you don’t usually buy birthday cakes, do not take it upon yourself to alter the instructions you have been given. If you do, at best, those colors that looked so good in the store clash with the birthday party decorations. At worst, that nickname you think is so cute was not to be shared with anyone outside the house, and now 25 of your child’s friends have a brand new torture vehicle. (Don’t worry, the name will eventually die out in twenty or thirty years.)

9 If you don’t usually buy tires, do not listen to the guy wanting to sell four of the $300 super slick Michelins. If you do, at best, you will now have 60,000 miles of wear guarantee. At worst, your car has about 30,000 more miles before it dies. (The tires sure look good as the tow truck pulls it away.)

8 If you don’t usually buy power tools, do not pick up the first thing on sale. If you do, at best, the device might be on sale for a reason. At worst, the money you saved on the tool will be more than offset by the cost of the repair contractor. (You were sure the saw would work long enough to finish the project, weren’t you?)

7 If you don’t usually buy toys for Christmas, do not buy anything not on the list. If you do, At best, you may set the record for the most gifts bought for any Christmas. At worst, your preschool kids might be too young for the mini drone and Xbox games they find under the tree. (At least they will have fun with the boxes.)

6 If you don’t usually buy vacation airline tickets, do not think those add-ons are a bargain. If you do, at best, you will find you did not need that extra pillow or rancid can of nuts. At worst, you may find you may have the distinction of paying the most to go the shortest distance. (You must wonder why the airline keeps sending you letters asking when you will book your next trip.)

5 If you don’t usually buy appliances, do not go alone to buy anything in the appliance category. If you do, at best, you may have to pay a restocking fee for its return. At worst, you will have something in your house that no one will use. (And it is right in the hallway where you run into it every night.)

4 If you don’t usually buy automobiles alone, do not say yes to that yellow sports convertible. If you do, at best, you will be broadcasting a midlife crisis. At worst, you may find it too cramped for comfortable sleeping quarters. (And now the yard starts to look good.)

3 If you don’t usually buy clothing alone, don’t grab that suit simply because you saw it in an ad. If you do, at best, the tailor just might be able to adjust out some of the youthful features. At worst, you will be evident in your choice of clothes that are not age-appropriate. (How is that skinny fit feeling now?)

2 If you don’t usually buy wine, do not make a selection based on either high or low prices. If you do, at best, you will pay more for a good wine than necessary. At worst, your low-priced selection might be good for bumper rust removal but not drinking. (Lucky you. Picking up a bottle on your way to the boss’s house.)

1 If you don’t usually buy snacks for the football game, do not buy what you think will be suitable for the people watching football. At best, you will have a lot of new snacks. At worst, you may end up watching the game by yourself and your pet rabbit. (Of course, it is not logical, but that’s football.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Men Only Weekend Trip.

July 25, 2022July 24, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 59 Comments

This list was originally posted on June 6th, 2016. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list is some men-only ski trips I have taken to Lake Tahoe. Some of the items in this list are a result of observation. There is at least one in which I participated. I’ll let you decide which one it is. I also wanted to make this list while the memory of snow is good.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Men Only Weekend Trip.

10 If you are on a men’s trip, do not volunteer to cook anything. If you do, at best, you will be relieved after the first meal. At worst, the group will love what you do, and you’ll spend the rest of the trip chained to the six-burner stove. (You always wanted someone to praise your food but not this much, huh, chump?)

9 If you are on a men’s trip, do not take your time to enter the house when you get there. If you do, at best, you’ll have the last pick of sleeping accommodations. At worst, the final selection will be the swing on the three-season porch, and the three seasons have passed. (Yes, that is snow on your shoulder this morning.)

8 If you are on a men’s trip, do not wear your at-home sleeping attire. If you do, at best, that hole-filled T-shirt will be the talk of the group long after the trip is over. At worst, pictures will be taken and go viral. (Pretty hard to explain no bottoms, isn’t it?)

7 If you are on a men’s trip, do not slip and fall headfirst into the hot tub while holding onto a pastrami sandwich. If you do, at best, you’ll be able to get rid of the sandwich before it hits the filter. At worst, the damage deposit will be entirely consumed by replacing the filter. (Guess who’s going to pay the whole thing?)

6 If you are on a men’s trip, do not decide to gamble unless you know what you are doing. If you do, at best, you will lose early and quit. At worst, you will win early and then continue until you are cleaned out. (Sure, the casino accepts American Express)

5 If you are on a men’s trip, do not try to convert anyone to your vegan principles. If you do, at best, everyone will think you are joking. At worst, your fellow travelers will keep their distance, hoping they don’t catch whatever you have. (The explanation of the virtues of the vegan lifestyle might be better if your audience is sober)

4 If you are on a men’s trip, do not forget the effects of high altitude on liquor consumption. If you do, at best, you might just pass out. At worst, you will spend the night using the ceramic microphone to call trains to places like Pittsburgh. (Amazing how long the detox process takes, huh, Bunky?)

3 If you are on a men’s trip, do not think the whole group wants to go with you to visit the place you were married. If you do, at best, you’ll go alone. At worst, those who go with you will think they have wasted their time and demand you pay for drinks. (Okay, I confess. This one is mine. The Producer and I married at Lake Tahoe, and I did convince some to visit the spot with me. Yes, I bought the drinks after.)

2 If you go on a men’s trip, do not think you must use all the drink coupons on the journey to the destination. If you do, at best, you will still be flying when you land. At worst, you’ll have to face the trip home without any fortification and in the center row between two members of the University wrestling team. (Maybe more air would help, but you can’t raise your arms trapped by the incredible hulks on each side.)

1 If you go on a man’s trip, do not forget a souvenir for the folks back home. If you fail, at best, you have just had your last men’s trip. At worst, the memory token will be chosen for you and will cost a little more than what you would have spent. (No, two ticket stubs from a casino show will not do.)