Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Income Tax Day in 1861

August 5, 2019August 11, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 38 Comments

Since today is the anniversary of the establishment of the first income tax in 1861, I thought it would be fun to travel back there and take in the atmosphere of what had to have been an eventful time. The income tax was established to pay for the Civil War. Of course, there are some time travel rules that we must abide, so here is a list that will hopefully keep us from creating a time disruption or tear in the continuum.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the First Tax Day in 1861.

10 On the first tax day, do not try to find an H&R Block office for relief. If you do, at best it will be an ice supply house. At worse, you will raise so much concern from those you ask that they will point you out to the tax collector. (The belief that you are trying to avoid your tax obligation is what ended you up behind bars, Issac. Just tell them you made a mistake and intend to pay, and maybe they’ll let you go.)

9 On the first tax day, do not tell Tiny the WWF champ that he can’t come in to assess your net worth. If you do, at best he will come in anyway. At worst, Tiny who just left his rejection support group meeting will reduce the place to sawdust. (The upside to Tiny’s visit, Iulio, is you have no assets and therefore don’t owe any tax. Let’s not talk of the downside.)

8 On the first tax day, do not try to deduct your stay and meals as a business expense. If you do, at best you will be laughed out of the room. At worse, the tax collector will call the Marshall, and you’ll be labeled as the first tax fraud case in the US. (The first tax was a 3% flat rate over 800 dollars ($13,000 today) of income, Iwdael. There are no deductions. Now tell the man you are sorry and cough up the money.)

7 On the first Tax day, do not carry your “No Taxation Without Representation,” protest sign. If you do, at best, no one will be able to read. At worst, you will be invited to spend the night at the Hoosegow Hotel. (These new revenuers have no sense of humor, Izeyah. I wouldn’t press my luck any further.)

6 On the first tax day, do not try to pay for your tax with corn. If you do, at best the agent will think you are joking. At worst, the interpretation is that you are trying to evade your taxes. (You have to admit, Izreal trying to unload 100 bushels of corn in the tax office looks a little suspicious. You’ll find a broom and shovel in the corner. Best to clean up the mess before you leave.)

5 On the first tax day, do not try to convince the tax collector that you are part of the 97% of the population that does not earn 800 dollars a year. If you do, at best the collector will respect your attempt at avoiding the tax. At worse, the collector just declared to his staff that the next person who tries to lie about their income will be shot. (I think you better cough up the tax quickly, Ian. That collector is resting his hand on a very big six-shooter.)

4 On the first Tax day, do not show up in your most elegant clothes on the best horse. If you do, at best the collector won’t notice. At worst, since your clothes and horse are better than the collector’s, your bill will be higher than it should be. (At this stage, Ibrahim you might as well just pay it. Why you didn’t think to wear those old shoes and overalls is beyond me. You could have parked your horse down the street too.)

3 On the first tax day, do not try to dazzle the tax collector with stacks of paperwork proving your lack of income. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worse, the agent will assume you are up to something illegal and double your tax assessment. (It would have been better just to tell them the truth, Igore. After all, 3% is not a lot to pay.)

2 On the first tax day, do not put in an application to join the IRS. If you do, at best no one will understand you. At worst, you’ll give away your time traveler status since the IRS wasn’t established until 1862. (Well easy come easy go, Ishmael. It is now time to hit the bricks and get back to your own timezone. Otherwise, you might be spending a lot of time in a very damp and chilly place.)

1 On the first tax day, do not think you can tell the tax collector to send you a bill. If you do, at best the collector will share a laugh with you. At worst, the collector will take measures to collect the tax today. ( That big guy in the corner is the enforcer, Ignatius. It is his job to extract the payment right now. He has been known to hold some by their ankles until the money falls to the floor. Just save us all the misery and pay the bill.)

Top Ten Things Not to at the Sale of the First Mass Produced Ford in 1905

July 22, 2019August 4, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

This week marked the anniversary of the sale of the first massed produced Ford automobile. It was labeled the Model A Fordmobile (Not to be confused with the model A introduced in 1928) and cost $850.00. (Which is worth $23,404 in 2018 dollars)

If you were there, several precautions would be needed in order not to disrupt the time continuum. If you want to go, Take this list and spare us all from any disruption.

10 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not ask the salesperson if floor mats are included in the price. If you do, at best they will not know what you are talking about. At worst, the salesperson will tell you, yes and you won’t see the $100.00 charge on the invoice. (You only have yourself to blame, Ilima. They would have never thought of it until you mentioned floor mats.)

9 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not go on a demonstration ride with Tiny the WWF champ. If you do at best, he’ll let you drive. At worst, Tiny who could not pass the driver’s test insists on showing you how fast the Fordmoble can go downhill and in a curve. (Hanging on for dear life is not a sign of cowardice, Illan. It is considered normal behavior under the circumstances. Don’t worry, those knuckles will eventually turn pink again.)

8 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not wait while the salesperson goes and talks to the manager about a better price. If you do, at best the price will be the same. At worst, there will have been a mistake found, and your car is $100.00 more now. (You might eventually get the idea that the price is the price, Imani.)

7 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not take the free cup of coffee. If you do, at best they have run out. At worst at the end of the day, you may discover that cup of coffee was very expensive. (Made you feel beholden to the salesperson, huh Inay? Did you get the story about no shoes for the kids?)

6 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not buy an extended warranty. If you do, at best the company will actually honor it. At worst, the small type at the bottom explains your premium for the warranty is actually a gift to Mr. Ford’s favorite charity. (Fooled you huh, Ingram? Now you have to worry about pushing this thing back home.)

5 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not ask about gas mileage. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worst, the number will scare you so much you’ll want to leave the showroom. (You should remember that gas costs under a dime a gallon, Inteus. That is about a penny a mile, and even a skinflint like you can do that.)

4 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not ask about the President’s Day pricing. If you do, at best you’ll get strange looks. At worst, the owner of the agency will take your idea and become a kingpin in the car marketing business. (He’ll add at least 52 other days for an excuse for a sale, Iona. He’ll make millions and you’ll go back home.)

3 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not ask about the down payment. If you do, at best, no one will take you seriously. At worst, the manager will escort you to the door since buying on credit is an unknown phenomenon (Don’t get your feelings hurt, Iov. “Four flushers” is a term they casually throw around these parts.)

2 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not ask what color you can choose. If you do, at best, you’ll get a sympathetic smile. At worse, you get the Henry Ford quote, “You can have any color you chose as long as you choose black.” (You knew that was coming. Why you gave the salesperson the satisfaction of saying it is anybody’s guess, Irus.)

1 If you are at the first Ford sale, do not ask to buy the floor model. If you do, at best you’ll be told you need to order a car. At worst the salesperson will be confused about what you mean by floor model and call the police. ( He thought you were talking about the demonstration person, Iseabail. Good thing you cleared that up.)

Top Ten Things not to do Storming the Bastille in 1789

July 15, 2019July 21, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 69 Comments

Since yesterday was the anniversary of the storming of the Bastille in 1789 I thought it would be a good idea to lay out some things not to do should you have the ability to go there and join in the fun. As you know, the Bastille was a prison that the government of the time used to incarcerate and torture political prisoners. The day is called “Bastille Day.” in English (la Fête Nationale in French) and is widely recognized as the beginning of the French revolution. If you are going, take this list. Who knows it might just save your head.

Top Ten Things Not to Do while Storming the Bastille in 1789

10 If you are storming the Bastille, do not continue to carry your Vive Le Roy banner. If you do, at best someone will take it from you. At worst, you will be associated with royalty and may become a guest of the third estate at the next guillotine party. (why on Earth didn’t you know this was a demonstration against Louis XVI, Ike. Too many Vin rouges, eh?

9 If you are storming the Bastille, do not get in front of Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best, you’ll fall down, and Tiny will run over you. At worst, Tiny just left the rally where the beer was free and is anxious to grab the royal flag. (The sad thing is Tiny is focused on getting through the locked door and is now using you like a battering ram. It should be over in a few minutes, Iggy one way or another.)

8 If you are storming the Bastille, do not count on trading stories with the Marquis de Sade a prisoner there. If you do, at best you’ll accept that he left ten days before. At worst, you’ll try to organize a group to storm the insane asylum where he was transferred. (You have to admit not many want to help you, Ilias. Maybe that should give you a clue.)

7 If you are storming the Bastille, do not insist on a foie gras lunch. If you do, at best, you’ll be ignored. At worst, the average person has no idea what a foie gras is and will think you a royalist. (Now we are back to the original invitation to the head loss party after the storming is done, Inigo. I would think you could learn something in all this.)

6 If you are storming the Bastille, do not get caught with your “Go Camera recording the whole thing. If you do, at best you can tell them it’s a new kind of bomb, and they’ll believe you. At worst, your explanation will fall on deaf ears. (So now you are in line for the dunking chair which is designed to get the truth out of witches. Just tell them you are a witch, Isaak. Maybe they’ll go easy on you.)

5 If you are storming the Bastille, do not say to the mob that red, white, and blue are not your colors. If you do, at best you’ll get a sympathetic colorist. At worst, you be confessing to a bloodthirsty peasant your disdain for the tri-color, the symbol of the revolution. (Yes, his eyes are red, Isah. No, I don’t think he has allergies I believe he is mad at you. Yeah, running may not be the answer.)

4 If you are storming the Bastille, do not stop for a cafe au lait and croissant. If you do, at best you won’t be late for the storming. At worst, you’ll arrive after the storming is over and be accused of dereliction of duty. (I’ll bet you can guess what the punishment is for dereliction of duty, Iman. You got it. The big falling blade and close haircut.)

3 If you are storming the Bastille, do not try to yell Liberté, égalité, fraternité in French. If you do, at best the noise will be too loud, and no one will hear you. At worst, you will be heard, and your American accent will give you away. (You wonder why everyone is so angry, Iain? They want their revolution to themselves without interference from Americans. If you continue to try and help you will. only be dispised later)

2 If you are storming the Bastille, do not suggest that it would make a beautiful condo after the storming. If you do, at best folks will think you are shell shocked. At worst, Maximilien Robespierre will overhear your idea. (You may wonder why ole Max gave you a card with the number one printed on it, Idi. You have been honored to be the first to give up your head for the revolution. There’s the guillotine line right over there. You just march right to the front. It’s your right.)

1 If you are storming the Bastille, do not throw away that stale baguette. If you do, at best you will still have a sword. At worst, that baguette would have made an excellent weapon, and now you are defenseless. (Everyone knows that a day old baguette can be used to drive nails, Ignace. Think of what a beautiful club it would have made.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the signing of the Declaration of Independence by John Hancock in 1776

July 1, 2019July 7, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 34 Comments

This week marks the 243rd anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776 by John Hancock. It would be fun to be there but of course, there are things we should not do if we go. Take this list with you as it may save you trouble in the long run.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776.

10 If you are at the signing, do not place that tankard of ale anywhere near the document. If you do, at best you might leave a ring on it. At worse, a careless spill could mean doing the whole thing over. (All those signatures not to mention the handwritten document is now soaked, Hosa. Quit trying to clean up the mess with that lace tablecloth. You are only making it worse. It will take days to redo and now July 4th will be on July 10th.)

9 If you are at the signing, do not go near the document as long as Tiny the WWF champ has been assigned the duty to protect it. If you do, at best Tiny will issue a warning. At worse, Tiny, who just left being scolded by John Hancock for being too soft, will demonstrate his toughness for all to see. ( Trust me you can survive the step over toe hold with a helicopter body slam finish, Houghton. You just have to relax more.)

8 If you are at the signing, do not volunteer to stand in for New York and sign on their behalf. If you do, at best you’ll be told to sit down. At worst, you will sign and cause a riff between the Continental Congress and New York. ( You see, Houston, New York made a conscious decision not to sign on July 4th because as delegates they weren’t given the go-ahead by New York leadership. They did sign on July 9th after erasing your name.)

7 If you are at the signing, do not think everyone will be signing on July 4th. If you do, at best you will be disappointed. At worst, the delegation will have you tossed into the street. (Most of the signatures were not collected until copies of the declaration were circulated to the colonies, Hovhaness. The final official document was not fully signed until August 2nd. July 4th is the date that the Declaration was ratified. John Hancock signed as leader of the Continental Congress.)

6 If you are at the signing, do not begin singing, “God Save the King.” If you do, at best you be singing alone. At worst, the delegates will take you for a crown sympathizer and ride you out of town. ( I know that rail is uncomfortable, Howahkan. Maybe next time you could pick a better song.)

5 If you are at the signing, do not give the author, Thomas Jefferson some notes on how you think the Declaration could be improved. If you do, at best like most authors he will have a thick skin. At worst, since he has gone without sleep in order to finish the document, Jefferson may challenge you to a duel. ( I think maybe you should walk a mile in Thom’s shoes before leaving a review, Hrolleif. Besides what do you know about writing a Declaration?)

4 If you are at the signing, although tempting do not suggest changing the word “men” to “humans.” If you do, at best your political correctness will involk a laugh. At worst, the authors had intended human beings to be covered by the Declaration and now a whole new debate has ensued. (Might have been better just to say nothing, Hu. It seems the Declaration has been tabled and the delegates have dispersed. So much for not creating a time continuum event,)

3 If you are at the signing, do not offer to hold the quill pens. If you do, at best you’ll mess up a couple of the nubs. At worst, when it comes time for John Hancock to sign there won’t be a fine point available. (So it was you who caused John to sign in that huge manner, Hueil? All along the story was he wanted King George to be able to see his signature without wearing spectacles.)

2 If you are at the signing, do not suggest adding pizza to the preamble which reads, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” (You have to wonder about the looks you got at the suggestion, Hugi. You should be glad nobody asked you to explain pizza.)

1 If you are at the signing, do not ask Samual Adams what his seasonal beer flavor will be this year. If you do, at best he’ll think you are joking. At worst, he will assume you are buying the drinks and invite all the delegates to your party. ( I wonder how you are going to cover the bar bill, Hui. I’m almost positive the inn won’t take that American Express card. Might be time to hit the escape button rather than face the theft charges.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Mansfield Dam in an Apocalypse

June 24, 2019June 30, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 42 Comments

Yesterday I did a feature on the Mansfield Dam which is in my neighborhood. There were several comments about how the Dam looked like a scene for an apocalypse movie. Since season three of Fear of the Walking Dead was filmed at the Gonzelez Dam in Baja Mexico, I thought it would be fun to imagine the Mansfield Dam in an apocalyptic situation. Of course, if we are there some precautions need to be taken. Pack up your water bottle and grab this list. Who knows it may come in handy.

10 If you are at the dam in an apocalypse, do not stand on the river bank below the dam to take photos. If you do, at best no one will think to blow up the embankment. At worst some idiot will do just that, and now you’ll be faced with a wall of water rushing your way. (I think those Wal-Mart water wings aren’t going to cut it, Herne. You might try to surf the wave all the way to Iowa.)

9 If you are at the dam in an apocalypse, do not count on Tiny the WWF champ to hold off the crowd of zombies. If you do, at best he’s not one of them. At worst, Tiny has been reanimated by the WWF in its quest for immortal wrestling heroes. (Too bad for you, Hezekiah. Tiny is now leading the pack and wants to pick your brain for a few minutes.)

8 If you are at the dam in an apocalypse, do not put your finger in that itty bitty leak. If you do, at best you will hold back the water and then have to stay forever. At worst, you will not be successful in preventing a breach in the wall. (Looks like you and several million gallons of water are heading to a vacation on the coast, Hilal. I hope holding your breath is one of your life skills.)

7 If you are at the dam in an apocalypse, do not think you can outrun a fast running zombie. If you do, at best someone will be slower than you. At worst, you’ll try your best, but in the end, you’ll be caught. (Nothing, like being out of breath and having a zombie getting ready for lunch, is there, Hilial?)

6 If you are at the dam in an apocalypse, do not think that a beautiful zombie in a wedding dress really likes you. If you do, at best you won’t be her type. At worst, you will find your vows “till death do us part,” are a little more immediate that you envisioned. (Nina Forever was a movie, Hillel. A zombie is a zombie no matter how they look.)

5 If you are at the dam in an apocalypse, do not share an apple with a zombie. If you do, at best you might catch the zombie’s cold. At worse, since you don’t know where that apple has been, you might be turned into a zombie yourself. (Nice going, Hjalmar. You managed to keep all the zombies away with your screeching, and you forget basic sanitary rules.)

4 If you are at the dam in an apocalypse, do not believe the zombie carrying the sign, “Will work for food.” If you do, at best, you’ll figure out the motive real fast. At worst, you not know what they are up to until it is too late. (So what made you think zombies work in the first place, Hollis? Yes, she loves you for your brains. You don’t know how literal that is.”

3 If you are at the dam in an apocalypse, do not believe the white flag means peace. If you do, at best, you’ll end up running for your life. At worst you will start a dialog only to discover the motto “To Serve Man,” is a cookbook. (So now these guys are in the last stronghold of humans, Holmes. I hope you can keep them entertained for the next fifty years.)

2 If you are at the dam in an apocalypse, do not turn your back on the stand of trees over there. If you do, at best there are only coyotes in that forest. At worst, no matter how much the audience tells you to turn around the zombies are creeping up on you. (How you can be that dumb, Honaw is anybody’s guess. Everyone knows you don’t turn your back on an area where zombies could be lurking.)

1 If you are at the dam in an apocalypse, do not forget to shut the gate when you start across the dam. If you do, at best, no one is following you. At worst, the zombies now have free access to the dam and all the communities on the other side. (A little precaution would have saved a number of you, Honovi. Now you are all alone with only that penknife to keep the zombies at bay. Not sure karate is going to be helpful in this situation.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Deployment of Mobile Phones in 1947

June 17, 2019June 23, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

Southwestern Bell inaugurates the first mobile phone service in St. Louis on this day in 1947. If you were there, it is hoped you took some precautions in order not to create a scene or more importantly a tear in the time continuum. For fun, let’s pretend we were there and use this list to stay out of trouble. Grab that time machine lever and set it for June 17th, 1947.

10 At the inauguration of mobile phone service, do not line up in front of the Bell office hoping to be the first to get a phone. If you do, at best you might get a nice Bellperson to talk to you. At worst, since the equipment weighs 75 pounds and takes up the entire trunk area, someone may actually hand you a set. ( Well now what are you going to do, Hazen. You don’t even have a car. This wasn’t how you expected it to turn out was it?)

9 At the inauguration of mobile phone service, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ to hold your equipment while to try to find a car. If you do, at best Tiny will just say no. At worst, Tiny who just finished his group therapy session on not knowing when to say no, will accept the equipment and then abruptly remember the lessons he learned. (Well, Heathcliff. Looks like you have a big mess where Tiny slammed your stuff to the sidewalk. Might be hard to replace. Oh-oh here comes a Bell technician and it looks like he is outraged.)

8 At the inauguration of mobile phone service, do not ask for unlimited talk and text. If you do, Bell will think you are joking. At worst, the Bell employee will call the supervisor since you are being viewed as a threat. (After all, Hedwig the service costs in today’s dollars $175 a month and about $4.46 for a call.)

7. At the inauguration of mobile phone service, do not mention dialing a number to connect. If you do, at best you’ll confuse the person since there is only talk and listen buttons on the receiver. At worst, you’ll attract attention to the fact that you are not from around there. (You see, Heinroch, you need to wait until the line is clear and then the mobile operator will connect you. Only three people can make a call on the mobile system at one time in all of St. Louis. Is that the police headed this way?)

6 At the inauguration of mobile phone service, do not ask questions about the app store. If you do, at best the clerk will misunderstand you, and you’ll be wise enough not to repeat the question. At worst, the clerk will mistake you and direct you to the hardware store. (Of course, you now repeat yourself, Helios and the under the counter red button is pressed since the clerk thinks you are insisting upon an ax. The security force has been waiting to try out their new stun bomb devices. Oh, get up. You are only stunned.)

5 At the inauguration of mobile phone service, do not ask how many pixels in the camera. If you do, at best the clerk will go to the back to find out an answer and not return. At worst, your question will be handled by the senior tech rep on duty. (After four hours of confusing back and forth descriptions of what you each think is the question, Henley, you finally tell the rep you understand if nothing else but to get to visit the men’s room. Of course, the tech rep is delighted he could help you. He goes on in life to found the concept called customer service.)

4 At the inauguration of mobile phone service, do not drive around pretending you and on the phone to impress others. If you do, at best, no one is looking. At worst, most will have no idea what you are doing and will believe you work for the government. (So it was you who gave rise to the rumors of government agents in black cars searching for aliens, Henrich. Nice job.)

3 At the inauguration of mobile phone service, do not lecture the company on the evils of driving and talking. If you do, at best the person you are teaching won’t want to stop you. At worst, you will lecture someone who will yell and tell you to leave. ( So riddle me this, Henrique. What good is a mobile phone if you are not mobile? I think the guy who threw you out was yelling the same thing.)

2 At the inauguration of mobile phone service, do not try to pay your bill with your Visa credit card. If you do, at best the clerk will think you are funny. At worst, you will be arrested for trying to pass a counterfeit note. (You should have done your homework, Hephaestus. The first credit card designed for general use was Diner’s Club, and it was launched in 1950. Looks like the treasury department and the Central Intelligence Group have an interest in your card. The CIG was founded in January 1947 and is eager to find the foreign source of your Visa card.)

1 At the inauguration of mobile phone service, do not ask if the phone comes in colors. If you do, at best you’ll get a smile and a statement about basic black. At worst, you will give some tech an idea on which to act. (Since colored phones weren’t introduced until 1954 you may have created a tear in the time continuum as the tech rushes to develop a colored phone. Of course, it could be argued that if you hadn’t mentioned it, Herman colored phones never would have been designed.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Janis Joplin’s First Live Concert in 1966

June 10, 2019June 9, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

Since today is the 53rd anniversary of Janis Joplin’s first live concert held in the Avalon Ballroom in San Francisco, I thought it would be fun to go there. Of course, we need a list of things not to do to make sure we don’t make a mistake that could cause trouble later. Time travel can be tricky, so every precaution taken is worth the time and trouble. I hope you enjoy the list and if you should happen to end up at the concert, I hope you stay out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Janis Joplin’s First Live Concert in 1966

10 If you go to the concert, do not accept little squares of litmus paper from someone named Tim Leary. If you do, at best, he’ll give you a placebo. At worst, you’ll end up on the ride of a lifetime. (Have you not read of the LSD experiments, Hovsep? I hope you enjoy the view of Jupiter from way up there.)

9 If you go to the concert, do not attempt to convince Tiny the WWF champ that you are a good friend of Janis and deserve a visit backstage. If you do, at best Tiny has not met Tim Leary yet. At worst, he and Tim have been conducting side experiments on the treatment of Tiny’s aggressive behavior. (Whelp. Another experiment gone off the rails, Hrimfaxi. Looks like Tiny thinks you are a character from a Godzilla movie and intends to help you through that brick wall. This may hurt so get ready to call 911. Oh, sorry there is no 911 in 1966.)

8 If you go to the concert, do not start waving your cell phone in time to the music. If you do, at best those around you will be too preoccupied to notice. At worst, the security team made up of the Oakland Chapter of the Hells Angels will help you out. (It looks like none of these guys care about the phone, Hrut. They just enjoy pounding folks and throwing them out the back door. They thought your phone was a flash camera and delighted in seeing you airborne. Yeah, that landing could be rough.)

7 If you go to the concert, do not yell out a request for “Me and Bobby McGee.” If you do, at best no one will have heard of it. At worst, you’ll give your self away as a time traveler since the song by Janis was released in 1971. (Here comes the Hells Angels again, Hud. This time just lay back, and maybe they will crowd surf you to the exit.)

6 If you go to the concert, do not inhale the smoke that is all around you. If you do, at best it will be a weakened batch of inferior weed. At worst, you will be on the breathing end of some Maui Wowie, and you can see the lights dimming quickly. (No there are no munchies available, Hughson. You’ll just have to deal with the side effects. No, that person is not talking about you. Paranoia is another side effect.)

5 If you go to the concert, do not drink from that bottle of Southern Comfort being passed around. If you do, at best it is Southern Comfort, Janis’ favorite drink. At worst it is some homemade concoction that is guaranteed to make you lose all inhibitions. (Okay, Hugues you need to put your pants back on. No one is interested in your Sponge Bob SquarePants boxers. They don’t even know Sponge Bob since the premiere of the show was in 1999.)

4 If you go to the concert, do not get overly excited to see the Grateful Dead sitting in for a set. If you do, at best people will think you are a rabid fan. At worst, you will raise some suspicions since the band is a regular feature at the Avalon. (Be sure and not spill the beans about how popular they will become, Hula. You’ll only attract the Angels again.)

3 If you go to the concert, do not try and sing along with Janis. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, those around you will beg you to stop and then call security. (It was not so much you sang off-key Hyacinth. it was the fingernails on the chalkboard tone that got to them.)

2 If you go to the concert, do not decide to visit in the moshpit. If you do, at best everyone is smaller than you. At worst, before you know it, you will be jumping up and down in time with everyone hoping to get a breath. (If only you had had the list with you. Hyman. You could have avoided all this. You say you might faint? Oh I wouldn’t do that if I were you.)

1 If you go to the concert, do not forget to bring back a program. If you do, at best you’ll simply forget what went on. At worst, you’ll miss out on the opportunity to have a rare souvenir of that one-time event. (Not to mention the possibility of selling it on E-Bay, Hawiovi. Oh well. Easy come, easy go.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at The First Mention of Scotch Whisky in 1495

June 3, 2019June 2, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

The anniversary of the first written record of Scotch Whisky appears in Exchequer Rolls of Scotland in 1495. It is recorded that Friar John Cor is the distiller. What is not recorded is how the folks at the time reacted to this new development. Just in case time travel becomes a reality here is a list of Things Not to Do as you visit this new development. It is hoped it will keep you out of trouble or more importantly causing a tear in the time continuum that might preclude the development of this beneficial elixir. (gasp) So if you are going, take this list and be careful. You will have the benefit of all humankind in your hands.

10 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not ask for your portion on the rocks. If you do, at best no one will understand you. At worst, your host will think you odd but will add some stones to your chalice. (Ignoring the fact that you don’t know where these rocks have been, Hid you need to smile and drink your portion. Yeah, overlook those little floating bits at the top.)

9 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not forget to tip Tiny the WWF champ who is an usher at Lindores Abbey in Fife. If you do, at best Tiny will make sure you miss the tasting by ten minutes. At worst, Tiny who just finished losing his jousting match will view your oversight as a vote for his opponent. (Now you have gone and done it, Hilton. Tiny is still trying to recover his self-esteem, and that piece of silver would have gone a long way. Might as well relax during the spinning body drop. It only hurts for a little while.)

8 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not be confused by the description ‘aqua vitae VIII bolls of malt.’ and ask out loud ‘where’s the Scotch whiskey?’ If you do, at best everyone will be confused. At worst, the guards will be ordered to take you to the tower for a few questions like, ‘How long have you practiced witchcraft?’ (Might be best to tell the guards you have the flu and were out of your head with fever, Hiram. That rack looks like it might be painful.)

7 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not attempt to get on your horse to ride back to the inn after you’ve sampled a few flagons of Brother John Cor’s invention. If you do, at best you’ll realize it is not the thing to do. At worst, you and your horse will eventually be pulled over by James IV’s guards and booked into the dungeon. ( Apparently, there is a law against riding under the influence (RUI), Holland. Now you are going to have a permanent record on file.)

6 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not ask for chips and salsa to go with your portion. If you do, at best you’ll get a joint of mutton. At worst, the king’s chef will demand to know how to make this chips and salsa thingy you requested. (Looks like this guy is a relative of Tiny the way he keeps swinging that butcher knife around, Holman. You know how to make it right? If not, you know how to run, don’t you?)

5 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not volunteer when Brother John Cor talks about a smoke. If you do, at best you’ll have helpers to fetch the peet. At worst, everyone else knows John Cor is not talking about a doobie but needs more peet to fire up his malting operation. (That peet operation is dirty and sweaty, Homayoun. You gotta dig bricks of it and carry it five miles to the abbey. You want to avoid this if at all possible. Of course, now it is too late. Better hit the time machine and disappear.)

4 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not ask for a jug to go. If you do, at best John Cor will think you are joking. At worst, he will try to find something to house the scotch. (Sadly all he can find is an earthen pot that was used to feed the dog, Honon. Your first sip at home will let you know that the dog’s primary food source was whatever the humans didn’t want. Your scotch now has the essence of hog entrail with a finish of fish head.)

3 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not suggest putting the whiskey aside for twelve years. If you do, at best all the king’s men will laugh you off the island. At worst, John Cor will. take your suggestion, and there will be no scotch before it’s time. (Your only worry now, Hormheb is how to avoid ten thousand archers, lancers, swordsmen, catapult operators, and knights for the next twelve years. Yeah, I didn’t think you wanted to try. Hit the way back machine.)

2 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not try to explain soda to John Cor. If you do, at best he will be confused. At worst, he will be offended that you think his product needs enhancement. (You can stop singing the song ‘Scotch and soda, mud in your eye, baby do I feel high, oh, me oh, my,’ Hosea. John is still not going to unlock that dungeon door.)

1 If you witness the mention of Scotch whiskey in 1495, do not put on a tartan kilt without knowing its history, If you do, at best no one in the abbey is at war with the clan represented by what you are wearing. At worst, you picked the tartan of the most aggressive clan on the island. (You have two choices, Houman. Either pick up that broad sword and start defending yourself or drop the kilt and try to convince those advancing Scots that you were just joking. Maybe the fact that you don’t wear underwear under a kilt will underscore your claim of a joke.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the opening of Grauman’s Chinese Theater in 1927

May 20, 2019June 2, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

Sunday marked the anniversary of the opening of Grauman’s Chinese Theater in 1927. The theater has been in continuous operation since then. The opening of the theater featured the premiere of Cecil B. DeMille’s King of Kings the story of the last five days of Jesus. If you have the luxury of traveling back to that time, take this list with you. It might save you a bit of trouble. Last week we talked about the first Academy Awards, so it looks like a return visit to Hollywood.

10 If you attend the opening, do not ask if you can buy a roll of Mentos. If you do, at best they will say, “never heard of them.” At worst, you have given away your time travel status. (Although you were too young or not on this Earth yet, Heike, but Mentos were introduced in the ’50s. Also, the theater did not start a concession stand until 1030. The usher has a funny look, and he is heading your way. Time to hit the Dusenburg.)

9 If you attend the opening, do not try to go under the velvet rope while Tiny the WWF champ is on usher duty. If you do, at best he will have taken his medicine today. At worst, he just came out of a briefing where the manager told the team to enforce the “no line cutting” policy at all costs. (I know it seems like you are pretty high up in the air, Heinz. Don’t worry, you will be coming down quickly after Tiny gets you outside. I would take a big breath if I were you.)

8 If you attend the opening, do not be overheard discussing the Star Wars premiere that was held here in 1977. If you do, at best the evesdropper will have no idea what you are talking about. At worst, the person listening is a conspiracy theorist and will report you to the cop standing by the entrance. (Good luck in explaining the term “Star Wars,” Hendrick. You might as well just hold out your hands and accept the cuffs with little fuss. You can always disappear later.)

7 If you attend the opening, do not ask that the volume be turned up. If you do, at best those around you will think you are joking. At worst, someone will get the idea that you are not from around here. (Since the film is silent, Henock you have raised suspicions. It presents a problem because you raised them during the crowd scene where the mob is getting out of control. Might be time to go.)

6 If you attend the opening, do not forget to check to see what Mary Pickford and Douglass Fairbanks look like. If you do, at best you’ll not run into them. At worst, one of them will ask for a light at the intermission, and you’ll have no idea who they are. (Now that you are on the front curb, Henrick you might recall they are not only present-day film stars but also part owners of the theater. Yeah, and both are narcissists as well. That’s why you were tossed out. Oh, and the fact you did not have a light helped make the decision to bounce you.)

5 If you attend the opening, do not leave your Dusenburg parked out front. If you do, at best the police will give you a warning. At worst, your precious antique will be hauled away to the impound lot. (Yes they did that back then, Henryk. Also, the front is reserved for Rolls Royces.)

4 If you attend the opening, do not attempt to pay for your ticket with your visa card. If you, at best the ticket taker will think you are joking. At worst, you will be trying to explain how a credit card can be used as money to the security guy who looks like Tiny’s brother. (Good luck explaining how the ATM backbone carries the financial information from the retailer to the bank. I think you are in hot water, Herald. The guy is talking about fraud charges. Oh, and keep that 21st-century money in your pocket too.)

3 If you attend the opening, do not sit behind the woman with the enormous hat. If you do, at best there will be another open seat. At worst, there are no seats, and you can’t see the subtitles on the screen. (Asking those around you what is happening will likely get a visit from the usher, Hermod. Even worse, a black eye.)

2 If you attend the opening, do not stand too close to a photographer if he is still using flash powder. If you do, at best, you might get dusty. At worst, you could catch a few sparks and lose your jacket. (There are some there using flashbulbs, Hesutu but those things tend to blow up and shoot glass everywhere. Needless to say, you don’t need to mention your iPhone flash.)

1 If you attend the opening, do not be tempted to take a couple of photos with your phone. If you do, at best you’ll cause a disruption. At worst, you’ll have people thinking you are from outer space. ( Go ahead and show Mary Pickford how lovely she is on your cell phone photo, Hiamovi. Once she comes to from fainting, maybe she won’t prosecute.)

Ten Things Not to Do at the First Academy Awards in 1929

May 13, 2019May 12, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

This week marks the anniversary of the first Academy Awards which were held in 1928. Time to get your time travel suit on and attend the ceremony. If you are going, here is a list of the Top Ten Things Not to Do. Hopefully, it will keep you out of trouble and prevent a tear in the time continuum. Have a good time but be careful out there.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Academy Awards.

10 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not put on makeup in preparation for the filming of the even. If you do, at best folks will think you are a part-time clown. At worst, you’ll cause the host Douglass Fairbanks to ask security to escort you out. (Since the first filming of the awards did not happen until 1930, your makeup looks so out of place, Hanes the host thought you were wearing a mask. There’s a lot of jewelry to be worried about.)

9 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not try to sneak in at the door guarded by Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best Tiny will gently bar your entrance. At worst, Tiny has been hoping to try his new clothesline punch on a live body. (Now that you feel like your head is missing, Hansel here is a ticket. Now pick yourself up and try another door.)

8 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not think you can arrive fashionably late. If you do, at best the hors d’oeuvres will be all gone. At worst, since the ceremony is only fifteen minutes long you may miss it. (After all the trouble to get here, Hargrove you would think you could arrive on time. Yeah sure your coordinates were off. That’s what they all say.)

7 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not mention to anyone that you hope Broadway Melody wins Best Picture. If you do, at best no one will listen to you. At worst, your time travel will be outed as Broadway melody was next year’s winner. (Now that you are in handcuffs, Harkin it is time to reflect on the quality of your research. BTW the winner is called Outstanding Picture. Best Picture was a change made years later.)

6 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not comment on the fact that there is no sound with the film clips. If you do, at best folks will think you are making a joke. At worst, people will begin to wonder why you think silent films are an oddity. (You see Warner Brothers just produced the first talkie,Harme, The Jazz Singer. No one is sure sound is here to stay. In any case time you got up to go. Here come the guards again.)

5 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not order Merlot with your dinner. If you do, at best the server will not understand you. At worst, the somilier will wonder how you heard of a wine that is not yet popular in the US. (You’ve done it again, Hasani. Talk fast and tell them you were clearing your throat before the guards arrive. Just ask for a glass of red wine and maybe the whole thing will blow over.)

4 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not ask for a doggy bag. If you do, at best the server will be confused. At worst, those around you will be so grossed out you’ll be left at the table alone. (It seems everyone misunderstood your request and thought they had been served dog food. Not sure you can correct this one in time, Hassel. Good luck. Here comes the chef. Yes, he has a fairly large knife.)

3 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not ask for an Irish Coffee after dinner. If you do, at best the server will ask you how to make it. At worst, along with your other strange habits, folks will believe you are from outer space. (I’m not sure, Havika. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for you to attend. Irish coffee wasn’t invented until the 1950’s. Also wearing that Apple watch has folks a little nervious.)

2 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not complain about the missing red carpet. If you do, at best folks will think you’re just odd. At worst as you start to explain the antics of film stars on the red carpet there will be a recognition of your strangeness. (Since the red carpet was introduced to the Academy Awards in 1961 in Santa Monica, is it any wonder people are slowly backing away from you, Hazen?)

1 If you are attending the first Academy Awards, do not roll up to the front door of the Roosevelt Hotel in your Delorian. If you do, at best you’ll cause the valet person wet pants. At worst, you’ll cause the rest of the guests to flee in panic. (All are sure you are an alien invasion, Heaton. You need to get home quick.)