This post originally ran on June 8th, 2015. However, since there are still graduations, it will be okay to review them again.

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The inspiration for this list is the fact that it is graduation season. When you think of all the graduations held in the US alone, you realize the potential exists that these ten things occur with similar results. I hope you enjoy the list and can manage to avoid them.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time

10 If you are a graduate, do not put something dumb on your mortar. If you do, at best, even if your family sees you, they will not want to admit you belong to them. At worst, the picture taken of your message will go viral and will show up every time someone searches your name on Google, including prospective employers. (Maybe you should have used five-letter words)

9 If you are a parent of a graduate, do not blow any type of horn when your child receives their diploma. If you do, at best, you will cause your kid to want to find another home. At worst, that big well-trained guy in front of you is fighting a hangover and will help you stow your horn where you will not want it stored. (Don’t even try to think where that might be.)

8 If you are a speaker at a graduation, do not tell the graduates that the world is looking to them for salvation. If you do, at best, your cliché will remind everyone just how out of it you are. At worst, your words will be quoted in some satirical publications that will point out just how many times graduating classes have heard the exact words throughout the millennium. (Maybe that Speeches for Dummies book wasn’t a good idea.)

7 If your graduate has decided to skip the ceremony, do not fight the decision. If you do, at best, your child will make attending the ceremony sound like parental abuse. At worst, the child will attend with something dumb written on the mortar to the tune of “my parents made me do this.” (You can expect the message to be broadcast worldwide.)

6 If your family is experiencing a graduation, do not think this indicates your job as a parent is complete. If you do, at best, you will be surprised by requests for help as life commences. At worst, you will need counseling to overcome the feeling of failure as your child moves into what was your spare room. (Can’t last forever. Or can it?)

5 If you are the graduation ceremony organizer, do not think everything will run smoothly because of your careful planning. If you do, at best, you will be unprepared when there is a long period when no one can hear the speaker. At worst, you will not know what to do with a thousand champaign corks bouncing off the facility and school officials even though you banned the presence of alcohol at the ceremony. (Call the SWAT team. They’ll know what to do.)

4 If you are holding a graduation party, do not leave your house even though you trust your loving child to be trustworthy and in control. If you do, at best, a few more guests who were not expected will attend with little consequence. At worst, the state police will be looking for you to help fund the fire department, EMS, and SWAT team expenses incurred to break up the party and put out the fire destroying your and two neighbors’ houses. ( It’s just money, right?)

3 If you have a graduate, do not overdo the gift. If you do, at best, your child will expect a similar prize for other accomplishments. At worst, someday, it will need to be replaced. ( The words about the child being on their own when you gave the gift are forgotten.)

2 If you are attending a graduation ceremony, do not treat the event as if it is a football game. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks when you enter the stand with the team colors and jersey. At worst, you will get many people wanting to take the bratwurst you are grilling at your tailgate gathering. (The keg of beer is a nice touch.)

1 If you have a graduate, do not keep telling them how amazed you are that they made it through school. If you do, at best, they will think you did not have faith in their abilities. At worst, you will give the child a complex that will manifest in the longing for a career in fast food service as a grill person. ( You want fries with that?)

 

 

 

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This list was published on March 23, 2015, as helpful suggestions if a trip there is planned for spring break. Since this is the last week of spring break, I thought it might come in handy.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do if You are Going to Disneyland or Disney World

10 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not tell the kids until you are there. If you do, at best, you will get there after what seems like an eternity. At worst, your fight has a detour to Fargo, North Dakota, because of the weather, and the snow will melt in ten days. (The kids will ask every three minutes when you are leaving. That’s only 4,800 asks.)

9 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not try to navigate the park without a guide-book. If you do, at best, a three-day visit will seem like three years of waiting. At worst, you and all the other uninformed visitors will be arriving at the same rides simultaneously only to all decide to go to a different ride at the same time and so on until you realize you haven’t ridden one ride in eight hours. (You sure have made a lot of friends, though)

8 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not think the weather will be the same in the afternoon as it is in the morning. If you do, at best, there will be a little rain you didn’t expect. At worse, you may get caught in a monsoon-like downpour or a North Pole-like cold snap, which will also be the perfect growing conduit for the flu virus you picked up on the airplane. ( No gin does not kill the flu virus.)

7 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not let your kids talk you into allowing a friend to come along. If you do, at best, they will all get along and only cost an additional five hundred dollars. At worst, after the first day, the friend is no longer speaking to your kids and insists they want to go home. ( They informed their parents you are holding them against their will. The state police and FBI are very understanding on these kinds of situations)

6 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not think the breakfast with the characters is going to be anything but a trial. If you do, at best, you will be dismayed at the lack of non-screaming picture-taking opportunities. At worst, your child will be the one who is afraid of a giant Mickey Mouse and makes a scene that is so traumatic you hear people talking about the reaction for three days. (Luckily, your child looks completely different when not screaming bloody murder)

5 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not think the cost of eating in the park will be reasonable. If you do, at best, you will discover the three meals you are used to will need to be trimmed to one and a half. At worst, you will have dinner the first night you are there and then will spend your time at the front gate with a cardboard sign that reads “Will write for food.” (Sadly, you are accompanied by 100 other parents doing the same thing)

4 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not try to make the actors break out of character. If you do, at best, you will simply be annoying for the kids. At worst, you may encounter a character like Jim Fink, king of the river, who will take great pleasure staying in character with a knuckle sandwich to your nose. (That came fast, didn’t it?)

3 If you are going to Disneyland, do not try to join the main street parade just because it looks all-American and you had one too many pops at dinner. If you do, at best, you will be sleeping in the car tonight. At worst, the parade, unfortunately, came to an abrupt end for you with fingerprinting and a drafty cell.(At least no one died as a result of your prank.)

2 If you go to Walt’s place, you cannot think the rides are for adults only. If you do, at best, your children will think you don’t know how to share. At worst, you will need to have a time out while your partner explains the purpose of going to Disneyland in the first place. (Of course, the session is in full view of the park visitors)

1 If you are going to Walt’s place do not forget the idea is to have fun. If you do, at best your family will have less of a good time. At worst, you will find your family has made up a little game of hide and seek, and you are it. After you count to one hundred, they have all disappeared, and the next time you talk to them is at the hotel through a locked door. (Fooled you they did.)

 

This post originally ran on March 15th, 2015. As we approach spring, it is worth another warning.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have Spring Fever

10 If you have spring fever, do not fall in love with everyone you see. If you do, at best, you will get a broken heart. At worst, you will need to deal with all the partners to whom you have been reported for inappropriate sighing. (Not to mention concerning behavior)

9 If you have spring fever, do not daydream at work. If you do, at best, your fellow workers will think you use drugs. At worst, the boss will believe you have a motivation condition that can only be helped with a six-week motivational seminar (Which is being held in Fargo, ND, where spring comes in July.)

8 If you have spring fever, do not operate heavy machinery. If you do, at best, you may waste some material because of inattention. At worst, you may be deep in thought and run the heavy machinery through the shop wall or floor. (Better check to see what is under that 2000 pound wheel.)

7 If you have spring fever, do not operate a motor vehicle. If you do, at best, you may get a fender bender. At worst, you may be pulled over by the state police because you are going the wrong way on the freeway. (Try explaining the concept of spring fever with your hands cuffed behind you.)

6 If you have spring fever, do not lay in a bed of daisies. If you do, At best, you will be allergic. At worst, you might be in contact with a nest of fire ants or bees and will end up in the ER having to explain why you decided to lay in a bed of daisies in the first place. (The story will never come out right)

5 If you have spring fever, do not decide to take the day off. If you do, at best, you will miss some important phone calls. At worst, you will miss the meeting where your boss was going to announce your surprise award for attendance which now isn’t necessary since the office snitch explained that you just didn’t come in today. (I think you can guess who will get the award.)

4 If you have spring fever, do not decide to write poetry for the first time. If you do, at best, no one will ever see it. At worst, you will want to share it with your family and friends causing an immediate interdiction and a nice quiet room for you. (Can you still hear the laughter?)

3 If you have spring fever, do not decide to force the family on a picnic. If you do, at best, all of you will be wet and miserable. At worst, the park patrol will finally find you after several hours of your family being reported lost in the blizzard. (Guess who is not talking to you anymore?)

2 If you have spring fever, do not decide to take up guitar playing. If you do, at best, you will get good enough to be described as awful. At worst, you will be strumming and singing a song and wonder why all the people have left, and all the cats have arrived. (The fish guy started out this way.)

1 If you have spring fever, do not buy a convertible or sports car. If you do, at best, you will be forced to drive it alone. At worst, you will be asked kindly by your partner to return the vehicle to the point of purchase under penalty of a total and complete censure. (Guess how much the car is worth when you bring it back?)

I have waited seven years to rerun this one. It originally ran on February 16th, 2015. I hope you enjoy it.

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Today’s list has been created to provide a little satire surrounding President’s Day. (Happy President’s Day) This is a holiday that I have had a tough time getting my mind around. Other than getting a Monday off, I haven’t been able to see the significance of it all. Yes, Lincoln and Washington each have a birthday two days apart, which may be the only reason. Of course, there have been forty-five presidents, and most have made at least half of the population angry at one time or another. Let’s just say if a President were a member of the family, their birthday would, in a probability, be forgotten. So I’m making the supposition President’s Day is an invention of mattress and car companies for an excuse to have a sale. Here is a tongue-in-cheek top ten things not to do on President’s Day.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day

10 On President’s Day, do not go to Wal-Mart and buy a giant Happy Presidents Day blow-up lawn thingy. If you do, at best, your neighbors will think you have a screw loose. At worst, a stiff wind will grab the lawn thingy and drag it and the tie-down through your neighbor’s front window. (There is no way to call upon the spirit of President’s Day for forgiveness).

9 On Presidents Day, do not plan to receive lots of President’s Day gifts. If you do, at best, you will sit under the cherry tree a very disappointed person. At worst, all the presents you bought expecting a significant gift exchange will all come due. (Just as your credit card company has a new policy on minimum payments required).

8 On President’s Day, do not try to organize a President’s Day office party. If you do, at best, your co-workers will request a transfer. At worst, the HR department will invite you to participate in the employee mental health improvement program. (Which will include three days in group therapy and an hour in ice and electric shock treatments).

7 On President’s Day, do not ask your neighbors to donate to a fund for the less fortunate. If you do, at best, you will never have to speak to them again. At worst, the local police will have you in for questioning. (It looks like one reported the potential for your request for donations to be taken as a scam).

6 On President’s Day, do not try to sing President’s Day carols in your neighborhood. If you do, at best, there will be several slammed doors and no invitations for hot cocoa. At worst, your neighbors might band together to organize an intervention. (And a free ride bound and gagged to the nearest institution).

5 On President’s Day, do not expect a bonus from your boss. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, the money you spent in anticipation of your President’s Day bonus will need to be covered before the card company sends a collection notice. (The last time, the statement was delivered by a huge guy with a broken nose.)

4 On President’s Day, do not organize a picnic at the park to celebrate. If you do, at best, no one will show up. At worst, you will be shoveling three feet of snow just to find the barbecue grill. (Don’t even mention the crimp in the volleyball game).

3 On President’s Day, do not shoot off fireworks. If you do, at best, you will be the only one doing so, and your neighbors will know where to send the police. At worst, your massive fireworks display will ignite the neighbor’s roof, and since it is thirty degrees below zero, the fire department won’t be able to pump water. (To make matters worse, the neighbor is heading over to your house with what looks like a ball bat in his hand).

2 On President’s Day, do not sit in front of the TV thinking there will be a football game to watch. If you do, at best, your family will seek council from the local clergy. At worst, your friends will all come over and start eating your snacks and drinking your beer while betting on how long it will be until the ambulance shows up. (You might want to get in on the bet since the pot is at one hundred dollars).

1 On president’s Day, do not send Happy President’s Day cards to all your friends, family, and co-workers. If you do, at best, they will not know what to do or say. At worst, next year, they will all send you a Happy President’s Day card since you sent one last year. (This will cause you to check each off your list and only send a card the following year to those who sent you one).

This post originally ran on February 1st, 2016. Since all the coffee chains haven’t gone out of business, the advice is still helpful. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list was a visit to a bustling Coffee chain and then a need to put down in words some of the thoughts that have bothered me since.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Fancy Coffee Chain Store

10 Do not try to maintain your individuality by insisting your name be spelled correctly on your cup. If you do, at best, your exact words will be handed back to you with your drink. (see above) At worst, the rest of the room will take notice of your insecurity and cover you with eye rolls. (You are bothered by eye rolls, or you wouldn’t have been so particular about your name. Right?)

9 Do not order a fancy drink believing it makes you a superstar. If you do, at best, the drink will be wrong. At worst, the drink will be wrong, and you’ll not know it. (Exactly what that twenty-something was counting on when she handed you that regular coffee)

8 Do not look at the pastries while standing in the longest line ever. If you do, at best, your stomach will announce to those in front, and behind that, you are an animal. At worst, you pick one up and suffer from calorie and budget overload. (How could something so small cost so much?)

7 Do not offer to pick up something for your co-workers. If you do, at best, they’ll order strange coffees and give you money. At worst, they’ll order several breakfast sandwiches and give you enough money to cover about half. (The reaction when you ask for the rest is like you embezzled the funds)

6 Do not go to the drive-through with less than half a tank of gas. If you do, at best, you will need to shut the car off several times. At worst, you will forget and run out of gas before you reach the window. (It makes you wonder why you didn’t just go in the first place.)

5 Do not attempt to strike up a conversation with the barista. If you do, at best, you’ll realize you are talking to yourself. At worst, the barista will be distracted and make your drink the way the previous person ordered it. (Just try and get that corrected)

4 Do not stand in line and then start thinking about what you want when you reach the point of ordering. If you do, at best, the audible groan from your fellow fancy coffee drinkers will make you nervous. At worst, you will be the recipient of the kind of insults last heard during the NFL season directed at the commissioner. (You are not making the kind of money to put up with that abuse)

3 Do not pass the tip jar without making a deposit. If you do, at best, you will be marked for special treatment next time. At worst, you are still waiting for your drink, and everyone behind you has left. (Yes, a tip is for good service, but here it is paid in advance, much like a toll to the troll under the bridge)

2 Do not take more than one napkin and one stir stick from the condiment bar. If you do, at best, you will be reminded to conserve paper. At worst, the environmental enforcer who looks much like Tiny, the World Wrestling Federation champ, will relieve you of the extra. (You hope he puts you down on your feet after he is through holding you by the ankles and shaking the napkin free)

1 Do not try to pay for your drink with a gift card that does not have enough to cover. If you do, at best. You will be delayed while the difference is figured out. At worst, you will get the feeling that the next move will be the arrival of a SWAT team to take you down for violating what the cashier is sure is a Federal offense. (You have to wonder why you don’t keep the receipt from the previous visit since it clearly states your balance. Silly you.)

This list was originally posted on February 2nd, 2015. Although the Superbowl is two weeks away, maybe it will resonate after yesterday’s NFL playoffs.

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This list was inspired by years and years of attempting to burn a candle at both ends. This list could be much longer, but a cutoff had to be made somewhere. Also, since this is the Monday after the Super Bowl, maybe there is some advice you can use. I hope you enjoy it.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do with a Hangover

10 If you have a hangover, do not attempt to cover the fact by talking too much. If you do, at best, you will have erased any doubt as to your condition. At worst, your mouth will run off and leave your sodden brain back in the pain pit, and the brain will only catch up when it detects the words “will you please shut up.” (Much too late, I might add.)

9 If you have a hangover, do not try to step out of your typical passive role at the morning staff meeting. If you do, at best, you will scare everyone with your slurred and totally irrelevant comments. At worst, you might disagree with the boss and insist on your point, which has the effect of capitalizing on the death wish you have had ever since you bade farewell to the ceramic microphone at 3:00 AM this morning. (The sounds still ring in the ears.)

8 If you have a hangover, do not operate heavy machinery. If you do, at best, you may find yourself in a position of greatly apologizing for denting a car or building. At worst, you will have several people lining up in HR asking how their flattened vehicles will be replaced and several executives asking you for the keys to the equipment and your lawyer’s name. (I get that the brake and gas looked the same.)

7 If you have a hangover, do not write any notes to anyone explaining your actions last night. If you do, at best, you might feel better in confessing your sins. At worst, you will have given several people written confirmation as to why they need to avoid or punch you. (At least you have friends in low places.)

6 If you have a hangover, do not show up to teach your fifth-grade class. If you do, at best, you might make it to lunch without a complaint to the principal. At worst, you will be driven to the point where the EMS crew and police will attempt to talk you down from the roof of the school where unbeknownst to your conscious self, you have been screaming threats against Congress and the President. (hard to blame you for that.)

5 If you have a hangover, do not report to your airline pilot job. If you do, at best, you might forget something minor but survive anyway. At worst, you will discover a little too late you forgot to check the fuel level, and your attention is drawn to the bright blinking light on the control panel that has the words “Fuel Starvation” clearly embossed on it. (It means there is no more.)

4 If you have a hangover, do not go ahead with that brain surgery you are supposed to conduct today. If you do, at best, your attention will be on your own brain, and you will find it difficult to concentrate. At worst, you will think all is well right up to the point you close up the procedure only to discover the parts leftover that you can’t explain. (Unlike a bicycle kit, there are no extra parts in the brain.)

3 If you have a hangover, do not go to the grocery store to do your shopping for the week. If you do, at best, you will forget more items than you remember to buy. At worst, you will finally have had it with the cashier who asks you each week, “If you have found everything okay?” The fact that if you say no, she will not do anything about it has you treading on the conveyor shouting for the rest of the shoppers to lay down their groceries to join the revolution. (Incidentally, you don’t see the cautious community support officer in the corner calling 9-1-1.)

2 If you have a hangover, do not take your carpool duty today. If you do, at best, you will drop the kids and adjourn to the local bar for some hair of the dog, only leading to more trouble later. At worst, your driving will permanently imprint terror on the poor innocents in the car which they will suppress. (But go through life wondering why they never got a driver’s license.)

1 If you have a hangover, do not think you will be as effective in your writing as you usually are. If you do, at best, you might just produce a day’s work that would make great kindling for the evening fire. At worst, you may think you have a breakthrough on your writer’s block only to find you have included the words “Daddy’s Home” over two thousand times in your manuscript. (You can thank Thr Shining for that.)

 

This list was originally posted on August 18th, 2014. The inspiration came from standing in lines. I don’t think lines have gone out of style, so it may still be helpful.

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Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Find Yourself Waiting Your Turn

 

10 If you are in line at a ferry, do not turn off your car. If you do, at best the minute you do, the line will start moving. At worst, your car won’t start, and the friendly folks behind you will figure out a way to heave your vehicle over the side of the access terminal into thirty feet of water. (I don’t think detailing is going to get those water spots out of the upholstery)

9. If you are in line at the pharmacy, do not try to eavesdrop on the confidential medical briefing of the person in front of you. If you do, at best, you may hear something that your ears won’t forgive. At worst, the store will hit you with a HIPPA violation and send you to the back of the line again. (Those dosage instructions just weren’t all that interesting.)

8. If you are in line at the ten items or less express checkout at the supermarket, do not comment on the twenty items the person ahead of you has just laid on the counter. If you do, at best, you will hear the old excuse, “Oh, I didn’t notice that this was ten items or less.” At worst, you will be savagely attacked by a seemingly quiet, unassuming person who (unbeknownst to you ) was just released from a psychiatric hospital due to the lack of funding. (It seems he has a problem with questions.)

7. If you are in line at a movie theatre, do not groan loudly when the person in front of you wants to know the movie’s rating. If you do, At best, you will need to suffer through other questions like, “How long does it run?” At worst, you will be faced with the spouse of the person in front of you wondering what your problem is and asking you kindly to cut them some slack. (The closed fist speaks pretty loudly)

6. If you are in line at a convenience store, do not make any comments about a person in front of you who wants to pick out a specific scratch-off Lotto ticket but can’t make up their mind. If you do, at best, you may have to try to logically explain your problem when asked. At worst, you will need to apologize for your impatience when you learn that the ticket is being purchased as a 60th wedding anniversary present. (Now you are unromantic as well.)

5. If you are in line at the bank, do not prompt the half-asleep person standing in front of you behind the wait here line that a teller is open. If you do, at best, a person may pop awake and think you are being fresh. At worst, the person will take offense since they were not paying attention and ask you something about “Where’s the fire?” (They also invite you to help ask the teller for all the money in the drawer.)

4. If you are in line at the doctor’s office, do not complain to the receptionist about how valuable you consider your time. If you do, At best, you will be waiting twice as long since the receptionist just had an argument with the doctor about how little she makes. At worst, the receptionist will somehow lose your place, and you will still be there when the doctor and the receptionist leave for the night. (They don’t dare to ask you to come back tomorrow.)

3. If you are waiting to be served at one of the hottest bars in town, do not wave at the bartender. If you do, at best, he will simply wave back and wait on others. At worst, the bartender will finally give you the old “What’ll you have.” He then tells you they don’t have it, and maybe they will across the street. (I think he has had it with folks who wave.)

2. If you are waiting to be seated in a trendy restaurant, do not think you will be seated without tipping the Matre D. If you do, At best, you will finally have to break down and either tip or go elsewhere. At worst, you will get a seat in the bar just as they are starting the fastest cigar smoker contest and there are twenty-four contestants all lighting up simultaneously. (You initially thought you wanted the smoked trout. Might want to change that.)

1. If you find yourself waiting in line at Starbucks, do not try to cut the line. If you do, at best, you will be chastised by the barista. At worst, your double decaf, soy, low foam latte will have a taste resembling something familiar but just not easily identified. (Do ask what that flavor is right now.)

 

This post was published on January 12, 2015. I think it still has merit. A little warning. If you plan to reblog this without reading it, be careful. This is a humorous look at Amazon reviews and not intended as an instructional piece. (Whew, glad I got that off my chest.) I hope you enjoy this one.

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This week’s list was inspired by reading some Amazon reviews recently. As writers, we always think of Amazon reviews in terms of books. There is a whole other world out there, so this includes different categories as well as books. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to do When Writing an Amazon Review

10 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to use words no one understands. If you do, at best, your review will remain unread and a waste of your time. At worst, you will garner several WTF comments and will be notorious for your high-handed and unnecessary use of the language. ( You, sir, are no William F. Buckley)

9 When writing an Amazon review, do not review a product or book you haven’t tried or read. If you do, at best, your review will look like the others you copied and will be ignored. At worse, you might be forced to analyze what it is inside of you that compels you to seek to be noticed through such a platform as Amazon reviews. (Why not start a blog?)

8 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you need to win the word count championship for your review. If you do, at best, the length will cause readers to fall asleep. At worst, you will become ‘that reviewer’ who everyone scrolls through and will be so noted in the comments section (Does the term ‘Windy’ mean anything to you.)

7 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you can attack the quality of the product without cause. If you do, at best, those who disagree will make their thoughts known, and those thoughts will follow you everywhere. At worst, you may touch a nerve of a very dedicated fan base who will be committed to eliminating your ability to post other egregious reviews through official and unofficial means. ( you do not want to know the unofficial)

6 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you have to describe every detail of the technical function of the product. If you do, at best, you will convince everyone they do not have the skill to operate the product. At worst, you will label yourself as a technical geek who should only be listened to when it comes time to buy a rocket to Mars. ( Your fellow geeks will love you, though)

5 When writing an Amazon review, do not include instructions on remedying a problem with the product. If you do, at best, the reader will avoid the product like the plague. At worst, you will have other purchasers begging you to help them with their problems and will assume you are part of the company’s customer service department. (Things will get ugly fast if you don’t support them)

4 When writing an Amazon review, do not use the words or expressions: #BOOM, hubris, über, fantastic, amazing, surreal, surprising, or the like. If you do, at best, you will join the rest of the world in the lack of originality. At worst, you will be using words that do not describe anything and will lose all credibility as someone who should be taken as a serious opinion leader. (Does Hashtag loser ring a bell?)

3 When writing an Amazon review, do not pick any sex toys as the target of your insights. If you do, at best, there is no way to write a review that will mean the same to another user. At worst, you might find yourself in an area where you will have to expose all your weirdness to the buying public. (You might be surprised when a copy of your review is sitting on the counter in the break room)

2 When writing an Amazon review, do not think you must save the world from having a bad experience. If you do, at best, your negative review will be the exception, and your review credibility will be gone. At worst, you will demonstrate a vindictive personality which will be used as a benchmark on how effective readers believe your reviews are in the future. (Your lousy experience might be a singular event which will be evident when the judge finds for the plaintiff in your lawsuit)

1 When writing an Amazon review, do not think your review will not be read by anyone, so you need not take care of its construction. If you do, at best, all the typos and inaccurate statements will make you appear the fool. At worst, this review may show up in social media as one that, by its very sloppiness, needs to be mocked to the fullest. (Thinking you are anonymous won’t help when a copy of the review is circulated in the company e-mail with the headline, “Look What our Crack PR Department Does in its Spare Time.”)