All ten are the same.
Do Not Take Freedom for Granted.
Happy Fourth of July to you, and Happy Birthday, United States of America.
One of the best versions of Our National Anthem.
Category: Ten Things Not to Do
Top Ten Things Not to Do at a GYM (or Workout Club)
This post originally ran on August 1, 2016. Since I’m still going to the gym, I still see the same annoying things, so I think it will be helpful.
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Top Ten Things Not to Do at a GYM (or Workout Club)
Having been a gym member for some years, I observed some annoying habits of other attendees. I want to dedicate this blog to y’all. (you know who you are)
10 If you are working out, do not leave the equipment covered in sweat. If you do, at best, you’ll earn the club gross-out award. At worst, you might have a discussion with Tiny, the club rules enforcer. (Tiny tends to talk with his fists, and you could be looking at an incoming knuckle sandwich.)
9 If you are working out, do not do your stretches in a way that blocks others’ use of a machine. If you do, at best, you may find yourself stopped at some point. At worst, a brave soul may only knock you out of the way and use the machine. (You would argue, but it looks like they outweigh you by 100 pounds, and they are wearing a WWF champion belt)
8 If you are working out, do not wear week-old workout clothes. If you do, at best, you’ll have plenty of workout space to yourself. At worst, the membership will take up a collection and present you with the “Sponsor a homeless person” check for twenty-five dollars. (Pretty embarrassing getting into your BMW after the ceremony, isn’t it.)
7 If you are working out, do not drop the bar of weights on the floor. If you do, at best, the population will take cover, thinking an earthquake is in progress. At worst, you happen to hit the floor weak spot, and you and the bar of weights wake up in the basement. (You have to wonder why no one seems to care that you are missing.)
6 If you are working out, do not sing along to the music in your earbuds. If you do, at best, the rest of the club will think you’ve lost your mind. At worst, Someone will call 911 thinking you are in excruciating pain and are in the throes of a heart attack. (You might as well go with the EMTs since they are trained to subdue crazies who resist.)
5 If you are working out, don’t brag about your weight loss. If you do, at best, those who might have considered being a friend are long gone. At worst, you will brag to the wrong person who has a medical condition coupled with psychotic episodes triggered by the word “loss.” (Running fast was never your strong suit, was it?)
4 If you are working out, do not flirt with the instructor. If you do, at best, the instructor will do their best to stay away from you. At worst, the instructor will think you may be the love of their life. (Only now do you find out the instructor is on a work-release program after an episode with a former student.)
3 If you are working out, do not try to hoard as many clean towels as you can fit in your locker. If you do, at best, others will know and treat you like a thief. At worst, security will pay you a visit just as you open your towel-stuffed locker. (Talking fast doesn’t seem to help, does it?)
2 If you are working out, do not make grunting noises as you do your reps. If you do, at best, the room will think you’re obsessed. At worst, the management will send Tiny to discuss proper decorum in the gym. (It seems many folks thought your grunts were a little too personal.)
1 If you are working out, do not make a habit of filling up more than one water bottle at the fountain. If you do, at best, the long line will consist of those who have come to hate you. At worst, the tall guy behind you will cease to be able to control his desire to act on an urge to drown you in the very same fountain. (Wow! “Where did that come from?” You ask.)
Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Heat
This post was originally published in August of 2016. We are expecting 100+F (37.7+C) temperatures for the next seven days. So I think this list is still relevant.
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By design, I will admit this list is a little overstated and the product of a fiction writer. So natural questions like, “Who would do that their thing?” (avoiding ending the sentence with a preposition) should be tempered with the fact that I MAKE THIS STUFF UP IN MY HEAD.
Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Heat.
10 If you are in the heat, do not decide to fire your pottery. If you do, at best, the 1000-degree oven will win. At worst, you might be forced to take fluids intravenously. (Man, that drip sure gets in the way, hey Bunkie?)
9 If you are in the heat, do not do the yard work promised last winter. If you do, at best, you will lose intelligence points at home. At worst, that elevated heartbeat signals you to proceed to the nearest ER. (Too bad no one is at home to drive you, Sport)
8 If you are in the heat, do not tackle that welding project. If you do, at best, you may lose weight. At worst, the third-degree burns on your face are in sharp contrast to the non-burned places where your goggles were in place. (A little aloe vera gel might help cool that down.)
7 If you are in the heat, do not volunteer to help out as a crossing guard at summer school. If you do, at best, the soaking wet shirt makes an interesting statement that the PTA would like to discuss in person. At worst, your memory will always be kept alive in the crossing guard Hall of Fame for not dropping your stop sign as you went down. (What a great testimonial to dedication. Sorry you missed it)
6 If you are in the heat, do not think it is a good idea to carry ice cream home for a treat. If you do, at best, you can still enjoy the Oreo chunks, which are all that is left. At worst, tucking the ice cream into your recyclable bag and your wallet proved to be a mistake. (Handing the police your ice cream-soaked license was a big mistake. “I had to get home, officer, before the ice cream melted.”)
5 If you are in the heat, do not think several adult beverages will help you stay cool. If you do, at best, you may be hot but can’t feel a thing. At worst, you overdo it and realize you slept in the yard all night. (Don’t worry about those mosquito bites. The swelling will go down, and you will be able to see in a day or two.)
4 If you are in the heat, do not think sitting in water all day will spare you from suffering. If you do, at best, you will suffer prune body. At worst, you will need help getting out of the water since you absorbed many gallons and now weigh over three hundred pounds. (The six o’clock news has the entire rescue recorded for replay at ten o’clock as well.)
3 If you are in the heat, do not decide to take up running as an exercise. If you do, at best, you will faint after two blocks. At worst, you will finish a five-mile run and have to take three weeks off work to recover. ( Who was that person who gave you a lift home anyway?)
2 If you are in the heat, do not decide to use your super big grill and smoker. If you do, at best, you will choose to finish everything in the oven in the house. At worst, you will have created an environment that is hotter than the hinges on the gates to hell, and you can’t get cool. ( Chugging the five-gallon water cooler bottle might help. Well…maybe not.)
1 If you are in the heat, do not think your pets have some magic immunity to the high temperatures. If you do, at best, you may need to cool them off quickly. At worst, you may need to get them to the nearest vet for emergency treatment. Okay, this one is serious, and all too often, people forget to keep their pets (and children, sorry to say) protected from the effects of high temperatures. Don’t be one of those people.
Top Ten Things Not to Do On College Campus Visits
This post was published on June 13th, 2016. However, I think there still might be advice worth repeating.
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It is time for those beautiful college tours for the children going into their senior year of high school. This list has inspiration from a foggy memory of such visits fifteen years ago. I hope you enjoy it.
10 If you are visiting a college, do not stop in the bookstore first. If you do, at best, you will be overwhelmed by the assortment. At worst, you will buy a bunch of stuff only to learn that your child “hates this place.” (Well, it figures, doesn’t it? Waldo.)
9 If you are visiting a college, do not wear clothing from another school. If you do, at best, the personnel will think you haven’t a clue. At worst, your shirt will distract the student guide, and they will forget half of what you wanted to know. (You could have picked a non-rival, right?)
8 If you are visiting a college, do not feed the mascot. If you do, at best, the guard will ask you to leave. At worst, that cookie you just tossed the bear is the only thing on the planet to which it has an allergy. (There’s nothing like CPR on a sweating, hairy monster with the lousy breath, huh, Pilgrim?)
7 If you are visiting a college, do not interrupt the tour guide. If you do, at best, they will forget where they were and will have to start from the beginning. At worst, your tour guide is a fragile human being who was encouraged to lead tours as a method of building self-confidence and is now in a pool of tears trying to survive a complete meltdown. (Well, you could have waited until the recording was over)
6 If you are visiting a college, do not make fun of tradition. If you do at best, you will see some severe frowns. At worst, the massive varsity football player who just got drafted by the Oakland Raiders will want to talk to you in private. (So what does it hurt not to snicker when everyone says, “Howdy” to you.)
5 If you are visiting a college, do not go to one where your child has zero chance of being accepted. If you do, at best, they will suddenly see what they will be missing. At worst, they will decide that this is the college for them and none other will do. (Now, this is a fine kettle of fish we’ve gotten ourselves into, Laurel)
4 If you are visiting a college, do not just visit those with big-time sports teams. If you do, at best, some good schools can be overlooked. At worst, maybe your child has no interest in sports, and you’ll realize too late that they are here because you want to be here. (You already went to school. Give it up, Bucky)
3 If you are visiting a college, do not engage your tour guide in a discussion about tuition. If you do, at best, they will direct you to the provost’s office. At worst, you will be bringing new information to a student tour guide who will become increasingly concerned about the cost enough to get a job and flunk out. ( Never saw that one coming, did ya? Bud.)
2 If you are visiting a college, do not think acceptance will be automatic. If you do, at best, you will start to make plans that won’t materialize. At worst, you might just give the impression to everyone you meet that you think the entrance is a slam dunk, and there are more than enough who will want to thwart that view. (What a surprise on rejection letter day.)
1 If you are visiting a college, do not talk about your college experiences. If you do, at best, the students will think you have never grown up. At worst, your child will want to find a deep hole and a dump truck and guess who is the cargo. (None of those kids are interested in ancient history pops unless it is a required course, and maybe not even then)
Top Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time
This post originally ran on June 8th, 2015. However, since there are still graduations, it will be okay to review them again.
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The inspiration for this list is the fact that it is graduation season. When you think of all the graduations held in the US alone, you realize the potential exists that these ten things occur with similar results. I hope you enjoy the list and can manage to avoid them.
Top Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time
10 If you are a graduate, do not put something dumb on your mortar. If you do, at best, even if your family sees you, they will not want to admit you belong to them. At worst, the picture taken of your message will go viral and will show up every time someone searches your name on Google, including prospective employers. (Maybe you should have used five-letter words)
9 If you are a parent of a graduate, do not blow any type of horn when your child receives their diploma. If you do, at best, you will cause your kid to want to find another home. At worst, that big well-trained guy in front of you is fighting a hangover and will help you stow your horn where you will not want it stored. (Don’t even try to think where that might be.)
8 If you are a speaker at a graduation, do not tell the graduates that the world is looking to them for salvation. If you do, at best, your cliché will remind everyone just how out of it you are. At worst, your words will be quoted in some satirical publications that will point out just how many times graduating classes have heard the exact words throughout the millennium. (Maybe that Speeches for Dummies book wasn’t a good idea.)
7 If your graduate has decided to skip the ceremony, do not fight the decision. If you do, at best, your child will make attending the ceremony sound like parental abuse. At worst, the child will attend with something dumb written on the mortar to the tune of “my parents made me do this.” (You can expect the message to be broadcast worldwide.)
6 If your family is experiencing a graduation, do not think this indicates your job as a parent is complete. If you do, at best, you will be surprised by requests for help as life commences. At worst, you will need counseling to overcome the feeling of failure as your child moves into what was your spare room. (Can’t last forever. Or can it?)
5 If you are the graduation ceremony organizer, do not think everything will run smoothly because of your careful planning. If you do, at best, you will be unprepared when there is a long period when no one can hear the speaker. At worst, you will not know what to do with a thousand champaign corks bouncing off the facility and school officials even though you banned the presence of alcohol at the ceremony. (Call the SWAT team. They’ll know what to do.)
4 If you are holding a graduation party, do not leave your house even though you trust your loving child to be trustworthy and in control. If you do, at best, a few more guests who were not expected will attend with little consequence. At worst, the state police will be looking for you to help fund the fire department, EMS, and SWAT team expenses incurred to break up the party and put out the fire destroying your and two neighbors’ houses. ( It’s just money, right?)
3 If you have a graduate, do not overdo the gift. If you do, at best, your child will expect a similar prize for other accomplishments. At worst, someday, it will need to be replaced. ( The words about the child being on their own when you gave the gift are forgotten.)
2 If you are attending a graduation ceremony, do not treat the event as if it is a football game. If you do, at best, you will get strange looks when you enter the stand with the team colors and jersey. At worst, you will get many people wanting to take the bratwurst you are grilling at your tailgate gathering. (The keg of beer is a nice touch.)
1 If you have a graduate, do not keep telling them how amazed you are that they made it through school. If you do, at best, they will think you did not have faith in their abilities. At worst, you will give the child a complex that will manifest in the longing for a career in fast food service as a grill person. ( You want fries with that?)
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Top Ten Things Not to Do if You are Going to Disneyland or Disney World
This list was published on March 23, 2015, as helpful suggestions if a trip there is planned for spring break. Since this is the last week of spring break, I thought it might come in handy.
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Top Ten Things Not to Do if You are Going to Disneyland or Disney World
10 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not tell the kids until you are there. If you do, at best, you will get there after what seems like an eternity. At worst, your fight has a detour to Fargo, North Dakota, because of the weather, and the snow will melt in ten days. (The kids will ask every three minutes when you are leaving. That’s only 4,800 asks.)
9 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not try to navigate the park without a guide-book. If you do, at best, a three-day visit will seem like three years of waiting. At worst, you and all the other uninformed visitors will be arriving at the same rides simultaneously only to all decide to go to a different ride at the same time and so on until you realize you haven’t ridden one ride in eight hours. (You sure have made a lot of friends, though)
8 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not think the weather will be the same in the afternoon as it is in the morning. If you do, at best, there will be a little rain you didn’t expect. At worse, you may get caught in a monsoon-like downpour or a North Pole-like cold snap, which will also be the perfect growing conduit for the flu virus you picked up on the airplane. ( No gin does not kill the flu virus.)
7 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not let your kids talk you into allowing a friend to come along. If you do, at best, they will all get along and only cost an additional five hundred dollars. At worst, after the first day, the friend is no longer speaking to your kids and insists they want to go home. ( They informed their parents you are holding them against their will. The state police and FBI are very understanding on these kinds of situations)
6 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not think the breakfast with the characters is going to be anything but a trial. If you do, at best, you will be dismayed at the lack of non-screaming picture-taking opportunities. At worst, your child will be the one who is afraid of a giant Mickey Mouse and makes a scene that is so traumatic you hear people talking about the reaction for three days. (Luckily, your child looks completely different when not screaming bloody murder)
5 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not think the cost of eating in the park will be reasonable. If you do, at best, you will discover the three meals you are used to will need to be trimmed to one and a half. At worst, you will have dinner the first night you are there and then will spend your time at the front gate with a cardboard sign that reads “Will write for food.” (Sadly, you are accompanied by 100 other parents doing the same thing)
4 If you are going to Walt’s place, do not try to make the actors break out of character. If you do, at best, you will simply be annoying for the kids. At worst, you may encounter a character like Jim Fink, king of the river, who will take great pleasure staying in character with a knuckle sandwich to your nose. (That came fast, didn’t it?)
3 If you are going to Disneyland, do not try to join the main street parade just because it looks all-American and you had one too many pops at dinner. If you do, at best, you will be sleeping in the car tonight. At worst, the parade, unfortunately, came to an abrupt end for you with fingerprinting and a drafty cell.(At least no one died as a result of your prank.)
2 If you go to Walt’s place, you cannot think the rides are for adults only. If you do, at best, your children will think you don’t know how to share. At worst, you will need to have a time out while your partner explains the purpose of going to Disneyland in the first place. (Of course, the session is in full view of the park visitors)
1 If you are going to Walt’s place do not forget the idea is to have fun. If you do, at best your family will have less of a good time. At worst, you will find your family has made up a little game of hide and seek, and you are it. After you count to one hundred, they have all disappeared, and the next time you talk to them is at the hotel through a locked door. (Fooled you they did.)
Top Ten Things Not to do While Attending a Home Owners Association Annual Meeting
I no longer live in an area with a homeowners association. This post was published on March 9th, 2015, when I did. If you live in an HOA, maybe there is a helpful tip or two.
Top Ten Things Not to do While Attending a Home Owners Association Annual Meeting
10 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not challenge everyone who disagrees with your point to go outside and settle things. If you do, at best, you will come off as a crackpot. At worst, several bigger neighbors may take you up on your offer. (Leading to a hurried trip to the ER.)
9 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not tell a long-winded speaker to sit down and shut up. If you do, at best, you will appear to be a bully. At worst, the speaker may be a black belt Karate champ who will show you how he breaks cement blocks using only a head. (Yours)
8 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not ask questions just to show how smart you are about the covenants. If you do, at best, your neighbors will make a note to avoid you at all costs. At worse, you may be appointed as the rule cop for the neighborhood that will endear you to everyone to whom you point out errors (not to mention the joy of egg on your windows)
7 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not try to convince everyone your idea is the next best thing to whipped bread. If you do, at best, you will delay the meeting while contributing to the boredom. At worst, someone in the crowd will yell at you to shut up and sit down, which will expose them to the remedies in item nine. (They will be waiting outside to settle the deal.)
6 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not bring your Italian sub sandwich to eat during the meeting. If you do, at best, everyone will move away from you. At worst, the biggest guy in the room will invite you to join the sandwich. (It is now in the garbage can outside.)
5 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not get up and ask for donations for your book’s marketing fund. If you do, at best, your neighbors will think you have lost your mind. At worst, they will discover you are an author and warn their family members to stay away from you. ( Especially if they see you carrying books.)
4 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not bring the kids. If you do,, at best, you will be distracted and lose sight of what is being voted. At worst,, your kids will see a bunch of new people and ask some potentially embarrassing questions like, “why is that man wearing hair on his head that doesn’t fit?” (True but embarrassing none the less.)
3 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not try to pretend you haven’t forgotten a few names. If you do, at best, your charade will be transparent, and some will believe you to be an idiot. At worst, you will run out of introductory statements like “Hi there” and be forced to admit you’ve forgotten the name of your next-door neighbor. (He is the man who was kind enough to run out in the rain to help you catch your dog.)
2 If you are attending an HOA meeting, do not be the first to “second” every motion. If you do, at best,, your neighbors will think you have no friends. At worst, you may be seconding things that will cause frictions among the neighbors, and you will be seen as in favor no matter that you didn’t even hear the motion. (Don’t try to stamp out that burning brown bag on your front porch.)
1 If you are attending an HOA meeting and the President is reading the agenda, do not sigh and mumble, “Another long boring meeting.” If you do, at best, you are quickly losing a friend in the President. At worst, your outspoken comment may be shared by others, but because you said it, you will be the one who the neighbors will talk about tomorrow. (They’ll begin with the words, “Can you believe how rude he was to his wife?”)
Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have Spring Fever
This post originally ran on March 15th, 2015. As we approach spring, it is worth another warning.
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Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Have Spring Fever
10 If you have spring fever, do not fall in love with everyone you see. If you do, at best, you will get a broken heart. At worst, you will need to deal with all the partners to whom you have been reported for inappropriate sighing. (Not to mention concerning behavior)
9 If you have spring fever, do not daydream at work. If you do, at best, your fellow workers will think you use drugs. At worst, the boss will believe you have a motivation condition that can only be helped with a six-week motivational seminar (Which is being held in Fargo, ND, where spring comes in July.)
8 If you have spring fever, do not operate heavy machinery. If you do, at best, you may waste some material because of inattention. At worst, you may be deep in thought and run the heavy machinery through the shop wall or floor. (Better check to see what is under that 2000 pound wheel.)
7 If you have spring fever, do not operate a motor vehicle. If you do, at best, you may get a fender bender. At worst, you may be pulled over by the state police because you are going the wrong way on the freeway. (Try explaining the concept of spring fever with your hands cuffed behind you.)
6 If you have spring fever, do not lay in a bed of daisies. If you do, At best, you will be allergic. At worst, you might be in contact with a nest of fire ants or bees and will end up in the ER having to explain why you decided to lay in a bed of daisies in the first place. (The story will never come out right)
5 If you have spring fever, do not decide to take the day off. If you do, at best, you will miss some important phone calls. At worst, you will miss the meeting where your boss was going to announce your surprise award for attendance which now isn’t necessary since the office snitch explained that you just didn’t come in today. (I think you can guess who will get the award.)
4 If you have spring fever, do not decide to write poetry for the first time. If you do, at best, no one will ever see it. At worst, you will want to share it with your family and friends causing an immediate interdiction and a nice quiet room for you. (Can you still hear the laughter?)
3 If you have spring fever, do not decide to force the family on a picnic. If you do, at best, all of you will be wet and miserable. At worst, the park patrol will finally find you after several hours of your family being reported lost in the blizzard. (Guess who is not talking to you anymore?)
2 If you have spring fever, do not decide to take up guitar playing. If you do, at best, you will get good enough to be described as awful. At worst, you will be strumming and singing a song and wonder why all the people have left, and all the cats have arrived. (The fish guy started out this way.)
1 If you have spring fever, do not buy a convertible or sports car. If you do, at best, you will be forced to drive it alone. At worst, you will be asked kindly by your partner to return the vehicle to the point of purchase under penalty of a total and complete censure. (Guess how much the car is worth when you bring it back?)
Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day
I have waited seven years to rerun this one. It originally ran on February 16th, 2015. I hope you enjoy it.
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Today’s list has been created to provide a little satire surrounding President’s Day. (Happy President’s Day) This is a holiday that I have had a tough time getting my mind around. Other than getting a Monday off, I haven’t been able to see the significance of it all. Yes, Lincoln and Washington each have a birthday two days apart, which may be the only reason. Of course, there have been forty-five presidents, and most have made at least half of the population angry at one time or another. Let’s just say if a President were a member of the family, their birthday would, in a probability, be forgotten. So I’m making the supposition President’s Day is an invention of mattress and car companies for an excuse to have a sale. Here is a tongue-in-cheek top ten things not to do on President’s Day.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on President’s Day
10 On President’s Day, do not go to Wal-Mart and buy a giant Happy Presidents Day blow-up lawn thingy. If you do, at best, your neighbors will think you have a screw loose. At worst, a stiff wind will grab the lawn thingy and drag it and the tie-down through your neighbor’s front window. (There is no way to call upon the spirit of President’s Day for forgiveness).
9 On Presidents Day, do not plan to receive lots of President’s Day gifts. If you do, at best, you will sit under the cherry tree a very disappointed person. At worst, all the presents you bought expecting a significant gift exchange will all come due. (Just as your credit card company has a new policy on minimum payments required).
8 On President’s Day, do not try to organize a President’s Day office party. If you do, at best, your co-workers will request a transfer. At worst, the HR department will invite you to participate in the employee mental health improvement program. (Which will include three days in group therapy and an hour in ice and electric shock treatments).
7 On President’s Day, do not ask your neighbors to donate to a fund for the less fortunate. If you do, at best, you will never have to speak to them again. At worst, the local police will have you in for questioning. (It looks like one reported the potential for your request for donations to be taken as a scam).
6 On President’s Day, do not try to sing President’s Day carols in your neighborhood. If you do, at best, there will be several slammed doors and no invitations for hot cocoa. At worst, your neighbors might band together to organize an intervention. (And a free ride bound and gagged to the nearest institution).
5 On President’s Day, do not expect a bonus from your boss. If you do, at best, you will be disappointed. At worst, the money you spent in anticipation of your President’s Day bonus will need to be covered before the card company sends a collection notice. (The last time, the statement was delivered by a huge guy with a broken nose.)
4 On President’s Day, do not organize a picnic at the park to celebrate. If you do, at best, no one will show up. At worst, you will be shoveling three feet of snow just to find the barbecue grill. (Don’t even mention the crimp in the volleyball game).
3 On President’s Day, do not shoot off fireworks. If you do, at best, you will be the only one doing so, and your neighbors will know where to send the police. At worst, your massive fireworks display will ignite the neighbor’s roof, and since it is thirty degrees below zero, the fire department won’t be able to pump water. (To make matters worse, the neighbor is heading over to your house with what looks like a ball bat in his hand).
2 On President’s Day, do not sit in front of the TV thinking there will be a football game to watch. If you do, at best, your family will seek council from the local clergy. At worst, your friends will all come over and start eating your snacks and drinking your beer while betting on how long it will be until the ambulance shows up. (You might want to get in on the bet since the pot is at one hundred dollars).
1 On president’s Day, do not send Happy President’s Day cards to all your friends, family, and co-workers. If you do, at best, they will not know what to do or say. At worst, next year, they will all send you a Happy President’s Day card since you sent one last year. (This will cause you to check each off your list and only send a card the following year to those who sent you one).
Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Fancy Coffee Chain Store
This post originally ran on February 1st, 2016. Since all the coffee chains haven’t gone out of business, the advice is still helpful. I hope you enjoy it.
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The inspiration for this list was a visit to a bustling Coffee chain and then a need to put down in words some of the thoughts that have bothered me since.
Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Fancy Coffee Chain Store
10 Do not try to maintain your individuality by insisting your name be spelled correctly on your cup. If you do, at best, your exact words will be handed back to you with your drink. (see above) At worst, the rest of the room will take notice of your insecurity and cover you with eye rolls. (You are bothered by eye rolls, or you wouldn’t have been so particular about your name. Right?)
9 Do not order a fancy drink believing it makes you a superstar. If you do, at best, the drink will be wrong. At worst, the drink will be wrong, and you’ll not know it. (Exactly what that twenty-something was counting on when she handed you that regular coffee)
8 Do not look at the pastries while standing in the longest line ever. If you do, at best, your stomach will announce to those in front, and behind that, you are an animal. At worst, you pick one up and suffer from calorie and budget overload. (How could something so small cost so much?)
7 Do not offer to pick up something for your co-workers. If you do, at best, they’ll order strange coffees and give you money. At worst, they’ll order several breakfast sandwiches and give you enough money to cover about half. (The reaction when you ask for the rest is like you embezzled the funds)
6 Do not go to the drive-through with less than half a tank of gas. If you do, at best, you will need to shut the car off several times. At worst, you will forget and run out of gas before you reach the window. (It makes you wonder why you didn’t just go in the first place.)
5 Do not attempt to strike up a conversation with the barista. If you do, at best, you’ll realize you are talking to yourself. At worst, the barista will be distracted and make your drink the way the previous person ordered it. (Just try and get that corrected)
4 Do not stand in line and then start thinking about what you want when you reach the point of ordering. If you do, at best, the audible groan from your fellow fancy coffee drinkers will make you nervous. At worst, you will be the recipient of the kind of insults last heard during the NFL season directed at the commissioner. (You are not making the kind of money to put up with that abuse)
3 Do not pass the tip jar without making a deposit. If you do, at best, you will be marked for special treatment next time. At worst, you are still waiting for your drink, and everyone behind you has left. (Yes, a tip is for good service, but here it is paid in advance, much like a toll to the troll under the bridge)
2 Do not take more than one napkin and one stir stick from the condiment bar. If you do, at best, you will be reminded to conserve paper. At worst, the environmental enforcer who looks much like Tiny, the World Wrestling Federation champ, will relieve you of the extra. (You hope he puts you down on your feet after he is through holding you by the ankles and shaking the napkin free)
1 Do not try to pay for your drink with a gift card that does not have enough to cover. If you do, at best. You will be delayed while the difference is figured out. At worst, you will get the feeling that the next move will be the arrival of a SWAT team to take you down for violating what the cashier is sure is a Federal offense. (You have to wonder why you don’t keep the receipt from the previous visit since it clearly states your balance. Silly you.)
