Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of the First Ray Kroc McDonalds

April 15, 2019April 14, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 68 Comments

Today is the anniversary of the opening of the first McDonald’s by Ray Kroc in 1955. It was sixty-four years ago that the fast food innovation began. In case you have a way to get back there here is a list of things not to do that will hopefully keep you from making a big mistake.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Opening of the First Ray Kroc McDonalds.

10 If you are at the opening, do not try to order your burger without onions. If you do, at best your request will be ignored. At worst, you’ll be asked to stand aside and in twenty or so hours you’ll get your burger. ( I have to say you were warned, Goodwine. If Ray wanted to eliminate ketchup from the burger he would have done it already.)

9 If you are at the opening, do not drop a paper on the ground while Tiny the WWF champ is in charge of picking up trash around the restaurant. If you do, at best he will ask you politely to pick it up. At worst, he will pick up the garbage and you and deposit both in the nearest can. (I know this space in the trashcan is tight, Gorman. The bad news is Tiny is adding more trash. You better hope collection day is soon.)

8 If you are at the opening, do not take any time to make up your mind on what to order. If you do, at best there is no one behind you. At worst, the person behind you has not eaten for twelve hours. (Not sure why you have a problem ordering, Gottfried. The menu only had a hamburger, cheeseburger, fries, shake, coke, root beer, orange drink, and coffee. How hard could it be?)

7 If you are at the opening, do not ask for ketchup for your fries. If you do, at best you will be refused. At worse, you will be subjected to the corporate lecture on why the McDonald policy forbids supplying ketchup for fries. (You now realize customer service does not include satisfying customer wants, Gowyn. Unhappy? Go pay 35¢ for a burger somewhere else.)

6 If you are at the opening, do not ask for a fillet-O-fish sandwich. If you do, at best no one will understand you. At worst, the employees will think you are trying to make trouble and call the police. (This is a fine kettle of fish you have gotten yourself into Gram. You should have known the fillet-O-fish was not introduced until 1965. The police are very interested in you now.)

5 If you are at the opening, do not ask for a seat inside. If you do, at best you’ll get a strange look. At worst, the manager will bring you in, and you’ll be waiting on customers before you know what happened. (If you keep at it, Graysen you might become the President like Fred Turner who started at the counter. Inside seating wasn’t available until 1962.)

4 If you are at the opening, do not start singing “Two all beef patties, lettuce, cheese, onion, pickle, special sauce on a sesame seed bun.” If you do, at best the employees will think you daft. At worst, the manager will think you are having a mental breakdown and will call an ambulance. (Since the Big Mac was introduced in 1968 it will be thirteen years until you are released from the sanitarium, Gregoly. Try not to make any trouble until then.)

3 If you are at the opening, do not start waxing poetic about the McGriddle breakfast. If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst you’ll be asked to make a McGriddle and when you fail tossed out on your ear. ( So much for having a glimpse into the future huh, Griff. Best not show your face here again.)

2 If you are at the opening, do not ask them to supersize your order. If you do, at best you’ll get a blank stare. At worst, a well-meaning customer will pull you aside and give you a talk about the evils of overeating. (You should have remembered, Grim that the super-sized concept was way off in the future and a trend that didn’t last.)

1 If you are at the opening, do not remain at the store longer than to eat your burger. If you do, at best you’ll get looks from the employees. At worst you will be accused of loitering. (Before the police arrive you may get the explanation that Ray Kroc did not install payphones or vending machines near the restaurants so that bums like you would just eat and move on. Aw, don’t be so sensitive, Guglielmo. He didn’t think of you personally as a loitering bum. Just the rest of humanity.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your Significant Other’s Birthday

April 1, 2019March 31, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 70 Comments

If your significant other is having a birthday, there are things that one should not do. It just so happens that yesterday was my significant other’s birthday, and except for one thing I managed to avoid the other stuff on the list.

10 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not take a lot of time writing a Ten Things Not to Do list. If you do, at best there is still time for other activities. At worst, you will run out of time to celebrate the birthday. (Now you are in deep yogurt, Ghoukas. What happened to the cake, presents, and good wishes? You better pray for author understanding.)

9 If your significant other is having a birthday, do go to the gym with Tiny the WWF wrestling champ. If you do, at best you’ll only have sore muscles from sparring with him. At worst, Tiny will show you his latest helicopter spin and drop maneuver. (Hard to celebrate from the ER huh, Giancarlo? Don’t worry someone will call and let your significant other know you won’t make the party.)

8 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not think a packet of beef jerky from the convenience store is the perfect gift. If you do, at best your significant other will take it as a joke. At worst, you’ll be dining alone tonight. (That beef jerky helps cover the taste of the crow, Gili. Better luck next year.)

7 If your significant other is having a birthday, don’t forget to cancel your participation in the weekly bowling event. If you do forget, at best you’ll stay home. At worst, you’ll go to the event and suffer dire consequences. (Did no one ever tell you about life choices, Gilvaethwy? You now must live with the results of your neglect. Please remember it was Fido’s house before you moved in.)

6 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not think going to your favorite place is the best experience for a birthday. If you do, at best none of the usual crowd are there. At worst, your bowling team members and the local motorcycle club are having a beer chugging contest. (You could have made a reservation at a beautiful place, Giovany. But no, and now your significant other is being cheered on as she downs a quart bong. Tomorrow is not going to be a good day for you.)

5 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not expect a home cooked meal instead of dinner out. If you do, at best you’ll get cold cuts. At worst, your significant other will cook something and leave it with a note that lets you know a restaurant visit was expected. (Looks like your significant other and a bunch of friends are having more fun than you, Girvin.)

4 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not offer to bake a cake unless you know what you are doing. If you do, at best you can still have time to call the bakery. At worst, the suggestion will be made to use your masterpiece as a doorstop. (Never knew frosting to get that hard did you, Glaucus. Maybe NASA would like to know about your formula.)

3 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not buy a card with a message that is obviously not a natural expression of your feelings. If you do, at best your significant other will get a chuckle. At worst the inscription, “Roses are red, Violets are blue, I want to run away, How about you?” will be taken the wrong way. (You were talking about a trip together, Gobrwy. What are you doing in court?)

2 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not give a gift which you know is not suited. If you do, at best you might be able to keep it. At worst, you might be wearing it. (They say to give a gift that you would like to receive, Godric. Not sure your significant other had a cordless weed trimmer in mind as the perfect gift.)

1 If your significant other is having a birthday, do not invite guests to the celebration who your significant other does not know. If you do, at best there will be some new friendships made. At worst, you will get no kudos for the uncomfortable feeling your significant other will have in a room filled with strangers. (It seemed like a good idea at the time, Gofraidh. You better get over there it looks like your significant other, and your boss are having some kind of argument.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Organized Horse Race in America in 1665

March 25, 2019March 24, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 44 Comments

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do against a historical background. In March of 1665, the establishment of the Newmarket course in Salisbury, New York, a section of what is now known as the Hempstead Plains of Long Island is recognized as the start of thoroughbred horse racing in the United States.

If you plan to travel back to witness this event the following is a list that may help guide your appropriate behavior.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Horse Race in America in 1665

10 If you are at the first horse race, do not ask about the missing bugle First Call to the post. If you do, at best no one will know what you are asking. At worst, someone will hand you a bugle and demand you play it. (Since the First Call was used beginning in the 1860s to signal that the race is ten minutes away, it doesn’t matter what you play, Gavin. Just know that whatever it is will be used throughout history. I think I would hand the bugle back and tell them you don’t play it.)

9 If you are at the first horse race, do not try to get close to the favorite if Tiny the WWF champ is the groom. If you do, at best Tiny will just push you away. At worst, Tiny just left the owner’s office with the instructions to keep everyone away at all costs. (What you should know about Tiny, Gavril is “at all costs.” does not include considering your welfare as precious. I would begin moving toward the door and for heaven’s sake don’t make eye contact with Tiny.)

8 If you are at the first horse race, do not ask for a program or schedule of races. If you do, at best you will be laughed out of the track. At worse the track owner might think you are going to start your own racetrack and are nothing but a spy. (The fact that the track owner is the national bull wrestling champ and is known for his lack of sense of humor means you should probably begin to find a route of escape, Gaylin.)

7 If you are at the first horse race, do not ask for special seats in the clubhouse. If you do, at best you will be shown a stool in the barn. At worst, you’ll give some entrepreneur a bright idea on how to make money without a horse. (Even today, thanks to you, Gearoid, the racetracks have figured out how to charge for deluxe seats while making those who pay through the nose feel special.)

6 If you are at the first horse race, do not dress like you were going to the Ascot in coat and tails. If you do, at best someone will ask you for a drink order. At worst you might be mistaken for the town crier and be asked to repeat the latest news. (Now how are you going to explain what is going on around here, Gelasius? You just arrived twenty minutes ago.)

5 If you are at the first horse race, do not order a mint julep. If you do, at best the barkeeper will think you are drunk. At worst, you’ll get all involved in trying to explain Kentucky whiskey, mint and Ice. (Now everyone is asking questions about where you are from and how you know anything about Kentucky whiskey, Geoffroy. They also want to know what Kentucky whiskey is anyway.)

4 If you are at the first horse race, do not ask where you can find the two dollar window. If you do, at best you will be directed to Seth the carpenter. At worse, when they figure out you intend to bet on the race you will become the first bookie in American history. (Too bad you don’t know anything about betting, Geralt. When you gave twenty to one odds on old Paint you never expected him to win, did you? I think I would push the “home,” button on that fancy time traveler of yours.)

3 If you are at the first horse race, do not accuse the jockey of your losing horse of throwing the race. If you do, at best he won’t hear your accusation. At worst, he will slap you with a glove. (Now the glove didn’t hurt, but you have come to realize, Gergo, you have been invited to a sword party known as a duel. Sorry, Tiny is not interested in being your second or stand-in. Let’s hope those fencing classes in college come in handy.)

2 If you are at the first horse race, do not believe those who tell you that “The Kings Ride.” is a sure thing. If you do, at best you only lost two dollars. At worst, you bet the farm. (What is funny, Germanus, you don’t own the farm. Look over there. See that big guy with the red face. It’s his farm and now wants a piece of you.)

1 If you are at the first horse race, do not bet on a horse because it has a funny name. If you do, at best you might win. At worst, Mymotherinlaw’sunderwear decides to finish last. (Yes it was a funny name, and it is a good thing you didn’t bet a lot, Gerrell. I hope you know that you now own the horse since you were the only one to claim it in the claiming race. Hope time travel is possible for a horse.)

Top Ten Things Not to do During a Move

March 4, 2019March 3, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

As you may know, I’m in the process of moving and today is unload day at the new location. So today’s Top Ten Things Not to Do has only one thing times ten.

10 – 1 If you are moving, do not try to do a quality top ten list. If you do, at best you’ll embarrass yourself. At worst you’ll have to answer to Tiny the WWF champ who just finished grammar cop school. (Sure you only missed a couple of commas, John. Try explaining that to Tiny before the knuckle sandwich finds its mark)

I’ll be back tomorrow.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Adoption of the 16th Amendment – Establishing the Income Tax in 1913

February 25, 2019February 24, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. Today in 1913 saw the adoption of the 16th amendment establishing the legal basis for the income tax. If you decide to go there, here is a list of things not to do that may prove handy. Also, this week is the anniversary of the battle of the Alamo. I chose not to try and be funny around a significant event in Texas History.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Establishment of the Income Tax in 1913.

10 If you were there, do not try to write off your time travel trip. If you do, at best the agent will have no idea what you are talking about. At worst, an agent will ask more questions than you are willing to answer. (Just how are you going to explain time travel, Grant? You might as well have the agent hop on the traveler and give him a demonstration. I’m sure that will clear things up or get you committed.)

9 If you were there, do not think you don’t have to answer to Tiny the WWF champ and new IRS agent. If you do, at best Tiny will call the Marshalls. At worst, having just graduated from an interrogation school Tiny will not want to give up. (He finds that sitting on tax dodgers is his second most favorite thing to do, Gale. First is a windmill body slam.)

8 If you were there, do not try to hide earnings. If you do, at best your under the table scheme will not be detected. At worst, you will be discovered and learn the pleasures of the Federal pen first hand. (It seems the guy who paid you under the table needed to give you up, Gerald.)

7 If you were there, do not ask an agent if you can file electronically. If you do, at best the agent will think you are nuts. At worst, the agent being a trusting soul will think you are up to something to avoid paying your tax. (Looks like you are going to be the first waterboard interrogation in history, Glenn. If you survive, you’ll be famous. I know small honor)

6 If you were there, do not think by not signing your form in protest you will get out of paying. If you do, at best someone will sign for you. At worst, your form will be rejected, and you will now owe penalties and interest more substantial than the original tax. (I see the protesting business is not so profitable huh, Glen? Next year might be a different story.)

5 If you were there, do not wear your Income Tax Sucks t-shirt. If you do, at best you’ll get some laughs. At worst, your shirt will be taken as an affront to the Federal Government. (Yes, we are having bread and water again today, Grayson. The judge was very clear on how to treat you.)

4 If you were there, do not pay your taxes with bags of pennies. If you do, at best the agent will turn you away. At worst, you will be asked to count and roll all the coins before being accepted. (Since it will take you a month, Garth, this little protest attempt backfired big time.)

3 If you were there, do not try to convince the agent that your dog ate your return. If you do, at best you’ll get a new form. At worst, the agent will want to talk to your dog. (As you know, Garner, Fido has not eaten your return, and it is possible the agent speaks dog. You gotta convince Fido to back you up. Yes, it may cost a few bones for sure.)

2 If you were there, do not try to avoid taxes by declaring yourself to be a non-profit entity. If you do, at best the IRS will just say no. At worst, you will be challenged to prove your non-profit status. (Your bar bills will not hold up as evidence of not having taxable income after you pay them, Gil. You’ll have to do better than that one.)

1 If you were there, do not try to give the auditing agent a gift. If you do, at best you will be rebuffed. At worse, the agent will press charges since bribing an IRS agent is not allowed. (That bottle of wine would have been better placed in your stomach, Goran. Now it looks like real trouble ahead plus you lost the bottle of wine.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of the Postal Department in 1792

February 18, 2019February 17, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 67 Comments

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical backdrop. This week marks the anniversary of the founding of the postal service in 1792. If you have access to a time travel machine, please take this list with you should you land in 1792. It might help avoid some embarrassment if you end up at the first post office.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of the Postal Service in 1792.

10 If you are at the founding of the Postal Service, do not ask for a roll of stamps. If you do, at best the clerk will be confused. At worst, they will think you are joking with a Federal employee. (Since stamps were not introduced until 1847, you are now involved in a controversy, Greggory. Fooling with a Federal Employee carries a $100.00 fine and ten days in jail or both.)

9 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not yell at Tiny the WWF champ who is working at the postal service to pay off his assault and battery fine. If you do, at best Tiny will have taken his medication. At worst, Tiny is the first recorded episode of an employee “going postal.” (Now you’ve done it, Gregos. You’ve been the reason for the creation of a whole new verb. Countless Postal employees will curse your name from this time on.)

8 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not lie to the clerk about the contents of your package. If you do, at best no one will be any the wiser. At worst, your package has been randomly chosen for inspection. (Funny how those twelve unpaid for letters got into that shipment of socks isn’t it? Grigory? You’ll need a bag of pence to rectify this situation.)

7 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not mark your package fragile. If you do, at best it will be handled carefully. At worst, the word will be a challenge to all handlers to see how well you packed your item. (I guess the recipient of your package was quite surprised to receive a present of ground glass for their birthday, Gualtiero. You could tell them that it is a do it yourself crystal vase hobby kit.)

6 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not mark your letter “air mail.” If you do, at best the clerk will think you have nothing in the envelope. At worst, your letter will end up on Ben Franklin’s desk since it is assumed his experiments with kites have something to do with your correspondence. (In this case, Gunny your private love note has been published in the Philadelphia Inquirer newspaper to the delight of hundreds. Good thing you didn’t sign it.)

5 if you are at the founding of the postal service, do not ring that little bell under the sign that says ‘ring bell for service.’ If you do, at best no one will come anyway. At worst, you’ll be facing a clerk who was just having a sandwich in the back. (That white linen envelope you carefully picked out to deliver your valentine is now decorated with a mustard thumbprint, Gustavus. Best not say anything.)

4 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not stare at the person looking at all the fugitive wanted posters. If you do, at best they are only curious. At worst, they are wanted for robbery and murder and are checking to see if there are any posters on them. (Try to look away quickly, Gwallter. Making eye contact with that person will be hazardous to your health. Oops too late.)

3 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not take the quill pen at the desk. If you do, at best you can call it an accident. At worst, the clerk will alert the sheriff that you have stolen government property. (What a beautiful mess. If only there had been a chain on that quill, Gwernach. Oh well, ten years at hard labor will pass quickly.)

2 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not moan out loud at the unusually long time it seems to take to serve the ten patrons in line ahead of you. If you do, at best everyone will think you have a toothache. At worst, your displeasure will be met with increased slowness on the part of the patrons and clerk. (The guy at the counter is asking the clerk for directions to Plymouth for heaven’s sake. You should have kept quiet, Gwyn.)

1 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not attempt to mail an oversized package. If you do, at best the clerk will tell you to go away. At worst, you will be advised to read the rules and regulations of acceptable package dimensions. (If you are incredibly unlucky, Gavin the clerk will read you the rules word for word. That is payback for the person who moaned behind you.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Mormon Exodus to Utah in 1846

February 11, 2019February 10, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. February 10th marks the anniversary of the beginning of the Mormon exodus from Nauvoo, Illinois to the Salt Lake Valley in Utah. The year was 1846, and the first Mormons began the long trek led by Brigham Young. If you have the ability to time travel, please take this list before joining the expedition. It could keep you out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Mormon Exodus to Utah in 1846.

10 If you are on the trek, do not ask to borrow a cup of flour from your fellow traveler. If you do, at best they will pretend not to hear you. At worst, the trail captain will assume you have not rationed your supplies. (Everyone was told to be careful, Gizur. You now are ordered to the end of the line where it is rumored the mountain lion does her food shopping )

9 If you are on the trek, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if you can ride in his handcart. If you do, at best he will think you are joking. At worst, Tiny, who just spent time in a group session on compromise, cannot refuse you. (In fact, Tiny insists that you take turns riding and pushing the cart. Let’s see, Glyn. You weigh 150 pounds and Tiny 300. This may be a long walk.)

8 If you are on the trek, do not think you can skip church service. If you do, you’ll be given a second chance. At worst, the elders will decide your fate. (You have found the elders do not have a sense of humor regarding missing church, Godofredo. It may be time to merely attend rather than have to pull that heavy wagon alone.)

7 If you are on the trek, do not ask, “Are we there yet?” just after leaving Illinois. If you do, at best no one will answer you. At worst, your wagon driver will require you to sit down a be quiet for the rest of the trip. (Talk about boring, Godwin. There is no license, or I Spy game to play either.)

6 If you are on the trek, do not start singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall. If you do, at best your driver is not a Mormon. At worst, you are in Brigham’s wagon, and now you have to walk. (Isn’t it strange, Goodwin how one man’s feast is another’s poison. Next time sing 99 bottles of sarsaparilla on the wall.)

5 If you are on the trek, do not wish out loud for a stop at Stuckey’s for a pecan roll. If you do, at best folks will think you have the spotted fever. At worst, you will be asked to describe a pecan roll. (Now you’ve done it, Gorka. Once you start talking about a pecan roll, you’ll be on your own with your next adventure trying to outrun the great American Brown bear.

4 If you are on the trek, do not think you need to tell ghost stories around the campfire. If you do, at best most will go to bed early. At worst, you’ll be stuck with old Zeke. (Wouldn’t you know it, Gothfraidh. Old Zeke tells stories that cause your hair to stand on end. No sleep for you tonight)

3 If you are on the trek, do not suggest a side trip to Yosemite Falls. If you do, at best you’ll get some strange looks. At worst, you will be able to take the side trip by yourself. (You only have 600 more miles, Govannon. Don’t worry about the bottoms of your shoes wearing out. You can always wear wooden sandals. Oh, that’s right. You left the ax behind.)

2 If you are on the trek, do not let your sourdough die. If you do, at best you might be able to get new starter. At worst, you will be without bread for the rest of the trip. (You were supposed to keep that dough going, Graeme. No one is going to give you their precious mixture. At least you can make porridge out of flour and water. UGH)

1 If you are on the trek, do not try to drive ahead of Brigham to enter the Salt Lake Valley ahead of him. If you do, at best others will see what you are trying to do and stop you. At worst you enter the valley ahead of Brigham (Can you imagine history recording that you were one of the first into the valley huh, Grandville? How would you feel having altered history in such a way? You would be the time traveler equivalent of a litterbug.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Henry VIII’s Marriage to Anne of Cleves in 1540

January 7, 2019January 6, 2019 ~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

This post is a continuation of Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. Since Sunday was the four hundred and seventy-ninth anniversary of King Henry VIII’s marriage to Anne of Cleves, I thought if you had an invitation to the wedding I would give you some pointers on how to stay out of trouble. Of course, the marriage only lasted six months but still a beautiful event.

10 If you attend the wedding, do not show up late. If you do, at best no one will notice especially the groom. At worst Henry will spot you coming in late, and by the look on his face, he isn’t happy. (Now you have gone and done it, Gunnolf. Henry was looking for someone to practice his wife removal system, and it seems like you will be the one.)

9 If you attend the wedding, do not try to outdo Tiny the WWF champ on his toast to the bride and groom. If you do, at best Tiny will have had enough champagne and not be offended. At worst, Tiny will have had too much champagne and having just graduated from a Dale Carnegie course on speaking take offense to your action. (Don’t worry, Gustaof. That hammer lock doesn’t usually result in a broken bone. OMG, I could hear that snap from here. My bad.)

8 If you attend the wedding, do not try to bring an old wedding gift of yours to regift. If you do, at best your card will get lost. At worst, the king will recognize the present as the one he gave you at your wedding. (Remember those lands and the castle Hank awarded you last year, Guyapi? They now belong to your idiot brother-in-law.)

7 If you attend the wedding, do not try to make a funny speech after you have had a lot to drink. If you do, at best someone will take you out before any real damage. At worst, you rambled on until you hit one of the kings sensitive issues. (I guess you don’t remember too much about your speech, Gwern. I would begin to make up a perfect apology for that unfunny joke about the three previous Mrs. Henry the Eights.)

6 If you attend the wedding, do not try to upstage the bride and groom with outrageous clothes and behavior. If you do, at best you will look like a fool. At worst, Henry will take note of your action and at the faire, he will pair you with Ivan the Brutal in the jousting match. (Ivan sure has a fast horse and large lance, Gwyddawg. I think you might want to consider just falling off your horse before he makes contact. So you are accused of cowardice. Sure beats a classy funeral.)

5 If you attend the wedding, do not ask for seconds at dinner. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, the chef will ask the king if it is okay to give you another helping. (They say Henry is not moved to anger too quickly, but you have tipped him over, Gustav. It seems he is not pleased to go over his wedding budget by one dinner.)

4 If you attend the wedding, do not insist on dancing with the bride. If you do, at best there will be too many ahead of you. At worst, you get your chance and suddenly remember you don’t know how to dance. (This is somewhat awkward, Gene. You can’t just stand there holding the bride’s hand. Oops too late. Henry thinks you are hitting on his new wife. Can you say sayonara?)

3 If you attend the wedding, do not compliment the king on his choice of wives. If you do, at best he will ignore you. At worst, he will think you are mocking him. (It seems Henry did not want to marry Anne because he thought her too plain. The marriage was annulled six months later but since you are still in the dungeon, Garret, you won’t know. Seems you hit a sore spot.)

2 If you attend the wedding, do not think you can bring guests of your own. If you do, at best they’ll get lost in the crowd. At worst, you will be dismayed to see all your guests fawning over the king. (The king wants to have a word with you, Gace. I think I would just jump the moat and make your getaway.)

1 If you attend the wedding, do not believe the big table filled with gifts is there as favors for the guests. If you do, at best someone will set you straight. At worst, you will be halfway to the door with a gift tucked under your arm when you run into the king. (He wonders where you are going with that gift, Guilio. I think I would tell him you were just returning it to the gift table and then do it. A fast exit is indicated here as well.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First New Year’s Eve Celebration Held in Times Square (then Longacre Square), in New York City – 1904

December 31, 2018December 30, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 59 Comments

New Year's eve 1904

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. Since today is the one hundred fourteenth anniversary of the first New Years Eve celebration in Times Square, I thought the following list would be handy if you somehow get to go there.

10 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not ask about the dropping ball. If you do, at best you’ll get some strange looks since the first ball drop wasn’t until 1907. At worst, those you ask will assume you need help and will turn you over to the police. (How does it feel to spend New Year’s Eve in the mental ward, Godwine? Stop talking about a ball and you may get out in a few years.)

9 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not kiss the woman standing next to Tiny the WWF champ at midnight. If you do, at best she is alone. At worst, she is on a first date with Tiny who has just left his first group session on overcoming jealousy. (Had it been the tenth session you might have had a chance, Gofried. As it is that beet red expression on Tiny’s face will soon manifest into a pin wheel body slam and it won’t be the woman who hits the concrete.)

8 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not try to set a personal record for consumption of alcohol. If you do, at best your evening will close early. At worst, New Year ’s Day will represent your personal purgatory just begging for relief. (Finding yourself in a strange time also adds to the confusion, Goodwyn. You should quit asking people to call 9-1-1 for you.)

7 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not think your good will to mankind feeling left over from the holidays should be demonstrated by public displays of affection for everyone. If you do, at best most will try to ignore your advances. At worst, you will have violated one or more of the Victorian standards of the day. ( Don’t worry, Gorsedd, the term “sex fiend” won’t follow you into the twenty-first century. That is assuming you can get out of that straight jacket long enough to get home.)

7 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not think your stomach deserves to be challenged with copious amounts of strange food. If you do, at best your later hours will be spent in a degree of discomfort. At worst, your stomach will get even when you least expect it. (You should have known, Gottfried, that food made with lard and animal innards would not set well. You should have taken your own low-fat, low cholesterol, zero growth hormone, and gluten-free food with you. Maybe next time.)

6 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not think your off-key singing throughout the year will suddenly get better with the addition of boucoup amounts of Champaign. If you do, at best you will still draw the same looks you get all year-long. At worst, you will begin to gather around you stray cats and dogs who think your Auld Lang Sine is a last call for free eats. (You called them and now you need to find a way to take care of them, Gradon.)

5 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not wear your Chicago Cubs t-shirt. If you do, at best no one will notice. At worst, since the New York Yankees won the National League pennant in 1904 a few may think you are a sore loser. ( Since the Cubs came in second, I think you should cover that shirt, Grantham. Oh too late. A couple of guys from the docks want to talk to you.)

4 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not try to find “Rockin’ New Year’s Eve on your smart phone. If you do, at best everyone around you are too drunk to notice. At worst, someone will ask you about that device and you will draw a crowd. (How are you going to explain a cell phone, Gregar? Bad enough your clothes look funny, now you are holding something that looks like it is from outer space. One other thing. The cell signal doesn’t time travel.)

3 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not think everyone will welcome the noise from your stadium horn at midnight. If you do at best, you will find yourself alone after the first blow. At worst, the biggest guy who you’ve annoyed will help you to cease blowing the horn. (The doctor in the emergency room is quite puzzle how that horn got there, Gregorior. Don’t worry, he will figure out how to separate it sooner or later.)

2 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not think it a good idea to put that Tiffany lampshade from the antique store on your head. If you do, at best no one will find it funny. At worst, the shade was the only one made and is now laying on the street in one thousand individual pieces. (If you start now, Griffen you might get it back together before the shop owner notices. Oh yeah, you also have a lottery chance at about the same odds. That is if the lottery exists in 1904.)

1 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not think you have to stay up past a reasonable hour to see the New Year in. If you do, at best the next day’s activities will be less enjoyable. At worst, you might be so sleep deprived that you will forget how to get back to 2019. (Although 1904 is a peaceful time, Gru, I don’t think you want to be stuck there. Yes it is a slower pace but think of the advancements that have been made since then. Fine have it your way.)

Happy New Year Everyone.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Singing of Silent Night in 1818

December 24, 2018December 23, 2018 ~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

Silent Night.

This Top Ten list of what not to do continues with a historical backdrop. On December 24th, 1818 the Christmas carol “Silent Night” composed by Franz Xaver Gruber was first sung at St Nicholas parish church in Oberndorf, Austria. If you time travel there here is a list that might keep you from making a mistake and prepare you for a Merry Christmas.

10 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not sing off-key. If you do, at best the crowd will cover you up. At worst, the choir director will call a couple of big guys and have you removed. (We know you love to sing, Gerrald. You just have to sing more quietly.)

9 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to avoid making a contribution in the collection plate being passed by Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best Tiny won’t notice. At worst, Tiny who has just promised 10% of his earnings to the church, will take offense. (Being held upside down and shaken until the coins fall is not the best thing, Gerritt. Sure beats a windmill body slam though.)

8 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your “Happy Birthday JC,” Christmas sweater. If you do, at best most will not understand the message. At worst, a six foot seven Knight of the Templer will take it upon himself to eliminate your sweater ( I think I would offer to take the garment off and do some kind of penance, Giacomo. Otherwise, he is going to keep applying pressure to your head.)

7 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not arrive late for the service. If you do, at best there will be a seat in the back pew. At worst, you will be directed to the front bench. (While you are taking that long walk, Gibson the director is holding his baton in mid-air waiting for you to reach your seat. Good thing you wore a red scarf. Your face matches it correctly.)

6 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not think you know the words and avoid using the hymnal. If you do, at best you’ll only be noticed by a few. At worst, the entire congregation will be nudging each other and pointing as you get most wrong. ( You can almost feel the mocking, can’t you, Gille? Wait until you turn around to leave.)

5 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not fall asleep during the sermon. If you so, at best only the priest will know. At worst, your snoring is the subject of more than a few giggles. (Sadly, the priest decides to use you as an example of the sinning world. Oh, and don’t compliment the priest on his sermon on the way out, Gimle)

4 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not finish that 32-ounce tankard before you arrive at the service. If you do, at best the service will be short. At worst, the service turns into the highest mass with the most ritual possible. (After the first hour you are now beginning to openly sweat, Girisha. I would pray harder for mercy.)

3 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your Long Live France t-shirt. If you do, at best most will not remember the War of the Seventh Coalition in 1815. At worst, most of the congregation are veterans of the war. (It looks like you have hit a sore point, Guiliano. I think you might want to exit through the side door.)

2 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not go a-wassailing for too many wassails before the service. If you do, at best the cold night air will straighten you out. At worst, you’ll accidentally do a header into the pew in front of you. (I know you just meant to bow your head, Gleipnif. Try telling that to the spinster on whom you are laying.)

1 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to sneak out without shaking the priest’s hand. If you do, at best the side door will be unlocked. At worse, you choose the wrong door and realize you are now in the priest’s vestment room. (Funny how that door locked behind you, Godfrey. You will now have the pleasure of explaining precisely what you are doing here once the priest is finished shaking hands.)