Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to do During a Move

~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

As you may know, I’m in the process of moving and today is unload day at the new location. So today’s Top Ten Things Not to Do has only one thing times ten.

10 – 1   If you are moving, do not try to do a quality top ten list. If you do, at best you’ll embarrass yourself. At worst you’ll have to answer to Tiny the WWF champ who just finished grammar cop school. (Sure you only missed a couple of commas, John. Try explaining that to Tiny before the knuckle sandwich finds its mark)

I’ll be back tomorrow.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Adoption of the 16th Amendment – Establishing the Income Tax in 1913

~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

Happy Birthday the 16th amendment

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. Today in 1913 saw the adoption of the 16th amendment establishing the legal basis for the income tax. If you decide to go there, here is a list of things not to do that may prove handy. Also, this week is the anniversary of the battle of the Alamo. I chose not to try and be funny around a significant event in Texas History.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Establishment of the Income Tax in 1913.

10 If you were there, do not try to write off your time travel trip. If you do, at best the agent will have no idea what you are talking about. At worst, an agent will ask more questions than you are willing to answer. (Just how are you going to explain time travel, Grant? You might as well have the agent hop on the traveler and give him a demonstration. I’m sure that will clear things up or get you committed.)

9 If you were there, do not think you don’t have to answer to Tiny the WWF champ and new IRS agent. If you do, at best Tiny will call the Marshalls. At worst, having just graduated from an interrogation school Tiny will not want to give up. (He finds that sitting on tax dodgers is his second most favorite thing to do, Gale. First is a windmill body slam.)

8 If you were there, do not try to hide earnings.  If you do, at best your under the table scheme will not be detected. At worst, you will be discovered and learn the pleasures of the Federal pen first hand. (It seems the guy who paid you under the table needed to give you up, Gerald.)

7 If you were there, do not ask an agent if you can file electronically. If you do, at best the agent will think you are nuts. At worst, the agent being a trusting soul will think you are up to something to avoid paying your tax. (Looks like you are going to be the first waterboard interrogation in history, Glenn. If you survive, you’ll be famous. I know small honor)

6 If you were there, do not think by not signing your form in protest you will get out of paying. If you do, at best someone will sign for you. At worst, your form will be rejected, and you will now owe penalties and interest more substantial than the original tax. (I see the protesting business is not so profitable huh, Glen? Next year might be a different story.)

5 If you were there, do not wear your Income Tax Sucks t-shirt. If you do, at best you’ll get some laughs. At worst, your shirt will be taken as an affront to the Federal Government. (Yes, we are having bread and water again today, Grayson. The judge was very clear on how to treat you.)

4 If you were there, do not pay your taxes with bags of pennies. If you do, at best the agent will turn you away. At worst, you will be asked to count and roll all the coins before being accepted. (Since it will take you a month, Garth, this little protest attempt backfired big time.)

3 If you were there, do not try to convince the agent that your dog ate your return. If you do, at best you’ll get a new form. At worst, the agent will want to talk to your dog. (As you know, Garner, Fido has not eaten your return, and it is possible the agent speaks dog. You gotta convince Fido to back you up. Yes, it may cost a few bones for sure.)

2 If you were there, do not try to avoid taxes by declaring yourself to be a non-profit entity. If you do, at best the IRS will just say no. At worst, you will be challenged to prove your non-profit status. (Your bar bills will not hold up as evidence of not having taxable income after you pay them, Gil. You’ll have to do better than that one.)

1 If you were there, do not try to give the auditing agent a gift. If you do, at best you will be rebuffed. At worse, the agent will press charges since bribing an IRS agent is not allowed. (That bottle of wine would have been better placed in your stomach, Goran. Now it looks like real trouble ahead plus you lost the bottle of wine.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of the Postal Department in 1792

~ John W. Howell ~ 67 Comments

 

First Stamps

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical backdrop. This week marks the anniversary of the founding of the postal service in 1792. If you have access to a time travel machine, please take this list with you should you land in 1792. It might help avoid some embarrassment if you end up at the first post office.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of the Postal Service in 1792.

10 If you are at the founding of the Postal Service, do not ask for a roll of stamps. If you do, at best the clerk will be confused. At worst, they will think you are joking with a Federal employee. (Since stamps were not introduced until 1847, you are now involved in a controversy, Greggory. Fooling with a Federal Employee carries a $100.00 fine and ten days in jail or both.)

9 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not yell at Tiny the WWF champ who is working at the postal service to pay off his assault and battery fine. If you do, at best Tiny will have taken his medication. At worst, Tiny is the first recorded episode of an employee “going postal.” (Now you’ve done it, Gregos. You’ve been the reason for the creation of a whole new verb. Countless Postal employees will curse your name from this time on.)

8 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not lie to the clerk about the contents of your package. If you do, at best no one will be any the wiser. At worst, your package has been randomly chosen for inspection. (Funny how those twelve unpaid for letters got into that shipment of socks isn’t it? Grigory? You’ll need a bag of pence to rectify this situation.)

7 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not mark your package fragile. If you do, at best it will be handled carefully. At worst, the word will be a challenge to all handlers to see how well you packed your item. (I guess the recipient of your package was quite surprised to receive a present of ground glass for their birthday, Gualtiero. You could tell them that it is a do it yourself crystal vase hobby kit.)

6 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not mark your letter “air mail.” If you do, at best the clerk will think you have nothing in the envelope. At worst, your letter will end up on Ben Franklin’s desk since it is assumed his experiments with kites have something to do with your correspondence. (In this case, Gunny your private love note has been published in the Philadelphia Inquirer newspaper to the delight of hundreds. Good thing you didn’t sign it.)

5 if you are at the founding of the postal service, do not ring that little bell under the sign that says ‘ring bell for service.’ If you do, at best no one will come anyway. At worst, you’ll be facing a clerk who was just having a sandwich in the back. (That white linen envelope you carefully picked out to deliver your valentine is now decorated with a mustard thumbprint, Gustavus. Best not say anything.)

4 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not stare at the person looking at all the fugitive wanted posters. If you do, at best they are only curious. At worst, they are wanted for robbery and murder and are checking to see if there are any posters on them. (Try to look away quickly, Gwallter. Making eye contact with that person will be hazardous to your health. Oops too late.)

3 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not take the quill pen at the desk. If you do, at best you can call it an accident. At worst, the clerk will alert the sheriff that you have stolen government property. (What a beautiful mess. If only there had been a chain on that quill, Gwernach. Oh well, ten years at hard labor will pass quickly.)

2 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not moan out loud at the unusually long time it seems to take to serve the ten patrons in line ahead of you. If you do, at best everyone will think you have a toothache. At worst, your displeasure will be met with increased slowness on the part of the patrons and clerk. (The guy at the counter is asking the clerk for directions to Plymouth for heaven’s sake. You should have kept quiet, Gwyn.)

1 If you are at the founding of the postal service, do not attempt to mail an oversized package. If you do, at best the clerk will tell you to go away. At worst, you will be advised to read the rules and regulations of acceptable package dimensions. (If you are incredibly unlucky, Gavin the clerk will read you the rules word for word. That is payback for the person who moaned behind you.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Mormon Exodus to Utah in 1846

~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. February 10th marks the anniversary of the beginning of the Mormon exodus from Nauvoo, Illinois to the Salt Lake Valley in Utah. The year was 1846, and the first Mormons began the long trek led by Brigham Young. If you have the ability to time travel, please take this list before joining the expedition. It could keep you out of trouble.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Mormon Exodus to Utah in 1846.

10 If you are on the trek, do not ask to borrow a cup of flour from your fellow traveler. If you do, at best they will pretend not to hear you. At worst, the trail captain will assume you have not rationed your supplies. (Everyone was told to be careful, Gizur. You now are ordered to the end of the line where it is rumored the mountain lion does her food shopping )

9 If you are on the trek, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if you can ride in his handcart. If you do, at best he will think you are joking. At worst, Tiny, who just spent time in a group session on compromise, cannot refuse you. (In fact, Tiny insists that you take turns riding and pushing the cart. Let’s see, Glyn. You weigh 150 pounds and Tiny 300. This may be a long walk.)

8 If you are on the trek, do not think you can skip church service. If you do, you’ll be given a second chance. At worst, the elders will decide your fate. (You have found the elders do not have a sense of humor regarding missing church, Godofredo. It may be time to merely attend rather than have to pull that heavy wagon alone.)

7 If you are on the trek, do not ask, “Are we there yet?” just after leaving Illinois. If you do, at best no one will answer you. At worst, your wagon driver will require you to sit down a be quiet for the rest of the trip. (Talk about boring, Godwin. There is no license, or I Spy  game to play either.)

6 If you are on the trek, do not start singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall. If you do, at best your driver is not a Mormon.  At worst, you are in Brigham’s wagon, and now you have to walk. (Isn’t it strange, Goodwin how one man’s feast is another’s poison. Next time sing 99 bottles of sarsaparilla on the wall.)

5 If you are on the trek, do not wish out loud for a stop at Stuckey’s for a pecan roll. If you do, at best folks will think you have the spotted fever. At worst, you will be asked to describe a pecan roll. (Now you’ve done it, Gorka. Once you start talking about a pecan roll, you’ll be on your own with your next adventure trying to outrun the great American Brown bear.

4 If you are on the trek, do not think you need to tell ghost stories around the campfire. If you do, at best most will go to bed early. At worst, you’ll be stuck with old Zeke. (Wouldn’t you know it, Gothfraidh. Old Zeke tells stories that cause your hair to stand on end. No sleep for you tonight)

3 If you are on the trek, do not suggest a side trip to Yosemite Falls. If you do, at best you’ll get some strange looks. At worst, you will be able to take the side trip by yourself. (You only have 600 more miles, Govannon. Don’t worry about the bottoms of your shoes wearing out. You can always wear wooden sandals. Oh, that’s right. You left the ax behind.)

2 If you are on the trek, do not let your sourdough die. If you do, at best you might be able to get new starter. At worst, you will be without bread for the rest of the trip. (You were supposed to keep that dough going, Graeme. No one is going to give you their precious mixture. At least you can make porridge out of flour and water. UGH)

1 If you are on the trek, do not try to drive ahead of Brigham to enter the Salt Lake Valley ahead of him. If you do, at best others will see what you are trying to do and stop you. At worst you enter the valley ahead of Brigham (Can you imagine history recording that you were one of the first into the valley huh, Grandville? How would you feel having altered history in such a way? You would be the time traveler equivalent of a litterbug.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Henry VIII’s Marriage to Anne of Cleves in 1540

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

 

Anne of Cleves

This post is a continuation of Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. Since Sunday was the four hundred and seventy-ninth anniversary of King Henry VIII’s marriage to Anne of Cleves, I thought if you had an invitation to the wedding I would give you some pointers on how to stay out of trouble. Of course, the marriage only lasted six months but still a beautiful event.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Henry VIII’s Marriage to Anne of Cleves by John W. Howell © 2019

10 If you attend the wedding, do not show up late. If you do, at best no one will notice especially the groom. At worst Henry will spot you coming in late, and by the look on his face, he isn’t happy. (Now you have gone and done it, Gunnolf. Henry was looking for someone to practice his wife removal system, and it seems like you will be the one.)

9 If you attend the wedding, do not try to outdo Tiny the WWF champ on his toast to the bride and groom. If you do, at best Tiny will have had enough champagne and not be offended. At worst, Tiny will have had too much champagne and having just graduated from a Dale Carnegie course on speaking take offense to your action. (Don’t worry, Gustaof. That hammer lock doesn’t usually result in a broken bone. OMG, I could hear that snap from here. My bad.)

8 If you attend the wedding, do not try to bring an old wedding gift of yours to regift. If you do, at best your card will get lost. At worst, the king will recognize the present as the one he gave you at your wedding. (Remember those lands and the castle Hank awarded you last year, Guyapi? They now belong to your idiot brother-in-law.)

7 If you attend the wedding, do not try to make a funny speech after you have had a lot to drink. If you do, at best someone will take you out before any real damage. At worst, you rambled on until you hit one of the kings sensitive issues. (I guess you don’t remember too much about your speech, Gwern. I would begin to make up a perfect apology for that unfunny joke about the three previous Mrs. Henry the Eights.)

6 If you attend the wedding, do not try to upstage the bride and groom with outrageous clothes and behavior. If you do, at best you will look like a fool. At worst, Henry will take note of your action and at the faire, he will pair you with Ivan the Brutal in the jousting match. (Ivan sure has a fast horse and large lance, Gwyddawg. I think you might want to consider just falling off your horse before he makes contact. So you are accused of cowardice. Sure beats a classy funeral.)

5 If you attend the wedding, do not ask for seconds at dinner. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, the chef will ask the king if it is okay to give you another helping. (They say Henry is not moved to anger too quickly, but you have tipped him over, Gustav. It seems he is not pleased to go over his wedding budget by one dinner.)

4 If you attend the wedding, do not insist on dancing with the bride. If you do, at best there will be too many ahead of you. At worst, you get your chance and suddenly remember you don’t know how to dance. (This is somewhat awkward, Gene. You can’t just stand there holding the bride’s hand. Oops too late. Henry thinks you are hitting on his new wife. Can you say sayonara?)

3 If you attend the wedding, do not compliment the king on his choice of wives. If you do, at best he will ignore you. At worst, he will think you are mocking him. (It seems Henry did not want to marry Anne because he thought her too plain. The marriage was annulled six months later but since you are still in the dungeon, Garret, you won’t know. Seems you hit a sore spot.)

2 If you attend the wedding, do not think you can bring guests of your own. If you do, at best they’ll get lost in the crowd. At worst, you will be dismayed to see all your guests fawning over the king. (The king wants to have a word with you, Gace. I think I would just jump the moat and make your getaway.)

1 If you attend the wedding, do not believe the big table filled with gifts is there as favors for the guests. If you do, at best someone will set you straight. At worst, you will be halfway to the door with a gift tucked under your arm when you run into the king. (He wonders where you are going with that gift, Guilio. I think I would tell him you were just returning it to the gift table and then do it. A fast exit is indicated here as well.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First New Year’s Eve Celebration Held in Times Square (then Longacre Square), in New York City – 1904

~ John W. Howell ~ 59 Comments

New Year's eve 1904

 

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. Since today is the one hundred fourteenth anniversary of the first New Years Eve celebration in Times Square, I thought the following list would be handy if you somehow get to go there.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First New Year’s Eve Celebration Held in Times Square (then Longacre Square), in New York City – 1904 by John W. Howell © 2018

10 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not ask about the dropping ball. If you do, at best you’ll get some strange looks since the first ball drop wasn’t until 1907. At worst, those you ask will assume you need help and will turn you over to the police. (How does it feel to spend New Year’s Eve in the mental ward, Godwine? Stop talking about a ball and you may get out in a few years.)

9 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not kiss the woman standing next to Tiny the WWF champ at midnight. If you do, at best she is alone. At worst, she is on a first date with Tiny who has just left his first group session on overcoming jealousy. (Had it been the tenth session you might have had a chance, Gofried. As it is that beet red expression on Tiny’s face will soon manifest into a pin wheel body slam and it won’t be the woman who hits the concrete.)

8 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not try to set a personal record for consumption of alcohol. If you do, at best your evening will close early. At worst, New Year ’s Day will represent your personal purgatory just begging for relief. (Finding yourself in a strange time also adds to the confusion, Goodwyn. You should quit asking people to call 9-1-1 for you.)

7 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not think your good will to mankind feeling left over from the holidays should be demonstrated by public displays of affection for everyone. If you do, at best most will try to ignore your advances. At worst, you will have violated one or more of the Victorian standards of the day. ( Don’t worry, Gorsedd, the term “sex fiend” won’t follow you into the twenty-first century. That is assuming you can get out of that straight jacket long enough to get home.)

7 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not think your stomach deserves to be challenged with copious amounts of strange food. If you do, at best your later hours will be spent in a degree of discomfort. At worst, your stomach will get even when you least expect it. (You should have known, Gottfried, that food made with lard and animal innards would not set well. You should have taken your own low-fat, low cholesterol, zero growth hormone, and gluten-free food with you. Maybe next time.)

6 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not think your off-key singing throughout the year will suddenly get better with the addition of boucoup amounts of Champaign. If you do, at best you will still draw the same looks you get all year-long. At worst, you will begin to gather around you stray cats and dogs who think your Auld Lang Sine is a last call for free eats. (You called them and now you need to find a way to take care of them, Gradon.)

5 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not wear your Chicago Cubs t-shirt. If you do, at best no one will notice. At worst, since the New York Yankees won the National League pennant in 1904 a few may think you are a sore loser. ( Since the Cubs came in second, I think you should cover that shirt, Grantham. Oh too late. A couple of guys from the docks want to talk to you.)

4 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not try to find “Rockin’ New Year’s Eve on your smart phone. If you do, at best everyone around you are too drunk to notice. At worst, someone will ask you about that device and you will draw a crowd. (How are you going to explain a cell phone, Gregar? Bad enough your clothes look funny, now you are holding something that looks like it is from outer space. One other thing. The cell signal doesn’t time travel.)

3 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not think everyone will welcome the noise from your stadium horn at midnight. If you do at best, you will find yourself alone after the first blow. At worst, the biggest guy who you’ve annoyed will help you to cease blowing the horn. (The doctor in the emergency room is quite puzzle how that horn got there, Gregorior. Don’t worry, he will figure out how to separate it sooner or later.)

2 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not think it a good idea to put that Tiffany lampshade from the antique store on your head. If you do, at best no one will find it funny. At worst, the shade was the only one made and is now laying on the street in one thousand individual pieces. (If you start now, Griffen you might get it back together before the shop owner notices. Oh yeah, you also have a lottery chance at about the same odds. That is if the lottery exists in 1904.)

1 If you are at the first Times Square New Year’s Eve celebration, do not think you have to stay up past a reasonable hour to see the New Year in. If you do, at best the next day’s activities will be less enjoyable. At worst, you might be so sleep deprived that you will forget how to get back to 2019. (Although 1904 is a peaceful time, Gru, I don’t think you want to be stuck there. Yes it is a slower pace but think of the advancements that have been made since then. Fine have it your way.)

 

Happy New Year Everyone.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Singing of Silent Night in 1818

~ John W. Howell ~ 49 Comments

Silent Night.

This Top Ten list of what not to do continues with a historical backdrop. On December 24th, 1818 the Christmas carol “Silent Night” composed by Franz Xaver Gruber was first sung at St Nicholas parish church in Oberndorf, Austria. If you time travel there here is a list that might keep you from making a mistake and prepare you for a Merry Christmas.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Singing of Silent Night in 1818 by John W. Howell © 2018

10 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not sing off-key. If you do, at best the crowd will cover you up. At worst, the choir director will call a couple of big guys and have you removed. (We know you love to sing, Gerrald. You just have to sing more quietly.)

9  If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to avoid making a contribution in the collection plate being passed by Tiny the WWF champ. If you do, at best Tiny won’t notice. At worst, Tiny who has just promised 10% of his earnings to the church, will take offense. (Being held upside down and shaken until the coins fall is not the best thing, Gerritt. Sure beats a windmill body slam though.)

8 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your “Happy Birthday JC,” Christmas sweater. If you do, at best most will not understand the message. At worst, a six foot seven Knight of the Templer will take it upon himself to eliminate your sweater ( I think I would offer to take the garment off and do some kind of penance, Giacomo. Otherwise, he is going to keep applying pressure to your head.)

7 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not arrive late for the service. If you do, at best there will be a seat in the back pew. At worst, you will be directed to the front bench. (While you are taking that long walk, Gibson the director is holding his baton in mid-air waiting for you to reach your seat. Good thing you wore a red scarf. Your face matches it correctly.)

6 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not think you know the words and avoid using the hymnal. If you do, at best you’ll only be noticed by a few. At worst, the entire congregation will be nudging each other and pointing as you get most wrong. ( You can almost feel the mocking, can’t you, Gille? Wait until you turn around to leave.)

5 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not fall asleep during the sermon. If you so, at best only the priest will know. At worst, your snoring is the subject of more than a few giggles. (Sadly, the priest decides to use you as an example of the sinning world. Oh, and don’t compliment the priest on his sermon on the way out, Gimle)

4 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not finish that 32-ounce tankard before you arrive at the service. If you do, at best the service will be short. At worst, the service turns into the highest mass with the most ritual possible. (After the first hour you are now beginning to openly sweat, Girisha. I would pray harder for mercy.)

3 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not wear your Long Live France t-shirt. If you do, at best most will not remember the War of the Seventh Coalition in 1815. At worst, most of the congregation are veterans of the war. (It looks like you have hit a sore point, Guiliano. I think you might want to exit through the side door.)

2 If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not go a-wassailing for too many wassails before the service. If you do, at best the cold night air will straighten you out. At worst, you’ll accidentally do a header into the pew in front of you. (I know you just meant to bow your head, Gleipnif. Try telling that to the spinster on whom you are laying.)

1  If you are at the first singing of Silent Night, do not try to sneak out without shaking the priest’s hand. If you do, at best the side door will be unlocked. At worse, you choose the wrong door and realize you are now in the priest’s vestment room. (Funny how that door locked behind you, Godfrey. You will now have the pleasure of explaining precisely what you are doing here once the priest is finished shaking hands.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Boston Tea Party in 1773

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

Top Ten Things not to do

 

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with a historical backdrop. Since December 16, 1773, is the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party the Top Ten list will help you avoid any trouble should you time travel to the event.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Boston Tea Party by John W. Howell © 2018

10 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not wear your “Stay Calm and Pay Your Stamp Tax,” sweatshirt. If you do, at best your outer coat will cover it. At worse, several colonists will notice it all at once. (Well, Garrick, it looks like you are going into the Boston harbor along with those 342 chests of tea. Hope you can swim.)

9 If you go to the Boston Tea party, do not stop Tiny the WWF champ if he starts throwing other stuff besides tea into the Boston Harbor. If you do, at best Tiny will be so engrossed trying to rip off the mast that he’ll think you are trying to help. At worst, Tiny who just failed his anger management course will stop tearing up the deck of the boat to concentrate on you. (Looks like it might be a good time to practice your rope climb, Garsone. I have it on good authority Tiny likes to rip things in two before tossing them in the harbor. It helps with his anger issue.)

8 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not tell Samuel Adams how much you enjoy his beer. If you do, at best he’ll give you a puzzled look. At worst, he will question you extensively about what you mean. (Good luck avoiding spilling the beans about time travel, Gaven. You’ll be lucky to escape a witches trial for what will sound like lies.)

7 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not ask the crew to save you some Earl Grey. If you do, at best they will think you are joking. At worst, such a request would be perceived as something a royal would make. (This is great. You are now being taken for a British royal, Gavyn. You are going to have a hard time floating once that chest to which you are chained becomes water soaked.)

6 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not try to convince the crew that the Mohawk Indian disguise is not politically correct. If you do, at best you’ll get some puzzled looks. At worst, the crew will think you are disrespecting them. (These guys have ways of dealing with disrespect, Gaynor. How’s that Mohawk haircut feel? I hope that ax was sharp enough to cut and not pull your hair out.)

5 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not try to convince the captain of the British ship Beaver that the name of his ship should be changed to a more socially acceptable name. If you do, at best he will be too busy trying to repel raiders to listen. At worst, you will be the only member of the raiding party to be clapped in irons. (How do you think you will raise the money to compensate for the tea loss, Gedalya? In today’s dollars the $18,000 loss is $553,254.15. You do know debtor’s prison terms are a real thing back then?)

4 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not bring scones and clotted cream. If you do, at best your fellow raiders will think you’re nuts. At worst, you’ll be sent home to write 1000 times, “I will not joke about the Tea Party.” (When you turn in your paper to Sam Adams, Genius, I would bring a gift. You just might save yourself from being deported to England. Not too many in England are amused about the loss of the tea.)

3 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not hum “America the Beautiful” while you dump your assigned tea crates. If you do, at best your fellow raiders are too busy to take notice. At worst, a raider might think you are humming “God Save the King.” ( His look is anything but comforting, Georgie. I think I would prepare to get wet if I were you.)

2 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not forget to mute your cell phone ringer. If you do, at best in the noise of the raid no one will hear it. At worse, the entire raiding party will stop what they are doing and look at you in stunned silence. (You gotta hope that whoever is calling you, Geremia will hang up now. If you pull out that cell phone, you might as well jump overboard and take your chances with the British.)

1 If you go to the Boston Tea Party, do not ask your fellow raiders if they are red sox fans. If you do, at best they will think you are talking about foot coverings. At worst, your fellow raiders will think you are talking in code, and since you used the color red, you are a British agent. (The key to surviving walking the plank, Gergor is to get those ropes wrapped around your arms off quickly. Sounds impossible you say? Fair enough. Can you hold your breath for twenty minutes?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Sunday Football Game at Philadelphia in 1933

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

This is a continuation of the Top Ten Things Not to Do list with a historical background. Today marked the anniversary of the first Sunday football game played in Philadelphia in 1933. If you were there, some actions are a no-no.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the First Sunday Football Game at Philadelphia in 1933

10 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not sit next to your parish priest unless you have been to church. If you do, at best you can take confession right there. At worst, you will be invited to a special service titled Miscreants of the Week. ( Of all the seats in the stadium you had to pick this one, Farzad.)

9 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not forget to tip Tiny, the WWF Champ and now stadium vendor, for your hot dog. If you do, at best that mustard stain on your back will come out. At worst, Tiny who believes tips are a showing of love will think you hate him. (The time to vacate your seat is now, Fedele. That large tray of hot dogs will not rest well when Tiny lets it go in your direction.)

8 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not try to eat a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich and cheer for your team at the same time. If you do, At best the guy in front of you is wearing a raincoat. At worst, your expelled cheesesteak bite goes down the collar of the police chief in the row in front of you. (I don’t think you will be able to explain this as an accident, Felicien. Good luck on your first night in jail)

7 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not cause yourself to be over-celebrating on your carry in hootch just because the blue laws in Pennsylvania allowed Sunday sports. If you do, at best you’ll find someone to take you home. At worst, you will need an ironclad excuse for spending the night in the bleachers. (Gotta wonder why none of the cleaning crew found you huh, Fenris.)

6 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not sit in the Chicago section wearing your Eagles jersey. If you do, at best the fans around you think you have a mental condition. At worst, as the game progresses someone may get the idea to remove you crowd surfing you over the lip of the Baker Bowl stadium. (It is a long fall from the top to the parking lot, Ferke. Flapping your arms may help a little.)

5 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not think you don’t have to pay off your bet because the score was tied at 3 and 3. f you do, at best the bookie consider your bet too small to collect. At worst, your bookie is the kind who believes any no pay a matter of honor. ( Those cement overshoes are styling, Fidal. Might prove to hamper treading water though.)

4 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not blow your large and loud horn to cheer on your team. If you do, at best you’ll be sitting alone. At worst, your fellow participants will tire of losing their hats, hair, and hearing and will stuff your horn where the sun don’t shine. (I know I’m surprised as well, Finnbar. I think that high decibel honk is terrific. Might be better on a MAC truck though.)

3 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not ask your neighbor to share their popcorn. If you do, at best the corn will be gone. At worst, your neighbor has just been diagnosed with the flu and is more than happy to share. (Don’t worry, Fionn. In the 30’s the flu only took maybe half of those diagnosed. Oh, look a guy in a black hoodie carrying a scythe. I don’t see any hay that needs cutting do you?)

2 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not run out and attempt to ring the Liberty Bell to count the first field goal points. If you do, at best the Liberty Bell Center in Independence National Historic Park will be closed on Sunday. At worst, your attempt at goodwill has been seen as a terrorist act. ( Well, you’ve earned yourself a nice cozy room in Guantanamo, Firmann. I have no idea why it is so dark here.)

1 At the first Sunday football game in Philadelphia, do not dispute how the Eagles got their name. If you do, at best there was no money on the fact that they got their name from the Blue Eagle which was a symbol for economic recovery during the Franklin Roosevelt administration. At worst, you now need to walk home since you put your car up to back your bet that the Eagles were named after the great American Bald Eagle. (You could have been right too, Flanagan. You might try putting your thumb out. Maybe some hapless fool will give you a lift.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

 

harvard

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with history as a backdrop. Harvard College, the oldest institution of higher learning in the United States, is founded in Cambridge, Mass on this day in 1636.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636.

10 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not suggest a celebration with a kegger party. If you do, at best the kegger store will be closed. At worst, the administration will create a rule against keggers. (Congratulations, Fyodor. You are the first student at the college to be put on probation.)

9 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not pledge a fraternity where Tiny the WWF champ is a member. If you do, at best Tiny will flunk out before you get there. At worst, Tiny who was just criticized by the dean for necessary hazing had ordered you to bend over. (Let’s hope the dean lecture has not made Tiny even angrier, Frederick. Is that paddle as big as it looks?)

8 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not organize a demonstration protesting the dorm food. If you do, at best no one will join you. At worst, the college put you in charge of food procurement. (Looks like your fellow students are getting tired of squirrel stew, Falcon. I think I would try to raise a few vegetables if I were you.)

7 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not cut class on the first warm day. If you do, at best you can get notes from the nerd, At worst, your professor will pull a pop quiz that is 20% of the term grade. (No amount of begging is going to help, Fallon. I would go to the infirmary and see if you can con someone into an excuse.)

6 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize a football team. If you do, at best no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll find some players who are ready to play but can’t see a ball. (Looks like you will have to make one, Fraser. Try to get it a little rounder okay. That thing looks like a fat sausage.)

5 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not go outside wearing that Yale sweatshirt. If you do, at best no one will notice since Yale was founded in 1701. At worst, someone will take offense thinking Yale is an acronym for Young American Liquor Enterprise. (You have to understand the Puritan Ethic is still pretty strong, Fiorello. The time in the stocks will go fast. Think positive.)

4 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not fail to return your library book on time. If you do, at best the fine is only 1p a week. At worst, a press-gang will come looking for you. (It would have been easier to return the book, Ferril. Now you won’t get back to the College until your sea duty is over. Five years will go pretty quickly.)

3 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize the first co-ed dance. If you do, at best your fellow students will just laugh. At worst the administration will pass a rule prohibiting co-ed dancing. (Good luck finding a co-ed, Fabrice. The first sex-blind admissions were not until 1977. Oh, and you need to serve time on the dunking chair due to the rule violation. I hope those hold your breath contests come in handy.)

2  If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not park your horse in the faculty parking lot. If you do, at best no one will need the space. At worst, professor Curmudgeon will alert campus security to shoot you on sight. (Never thought taking a tenured professor’s parking place was that big of a deal, huh Faddei. Those musket balls look like they would hurt.)

1 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not buy your books ahead of time at the used bookstore. If you do, at best you might save money. At worst, the professor will change the course text with no notice. (Well, looks like your used books will make an excellent fire starter, Fadil. Better luck next term)