Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Holiday Parties

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

Holiday party

 

The inspiration for this list has been an adult life-long fascination with human interactions. There is no time like the holidays to go out and get an actual feeling of how people interrelate. I may have published some of these points under a different context, but it still bears repeating some of the advice again. I cannot swear I haven’t done any of these but don’t think so. Also a message to the Yale School of Psychology. This is all in fun and should not be used as part of the curriculum dealing with Holiday stress. With that disclaimer here we go.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Holiday Party by John W. Howell © 2016

10 At a holiday party, do not assume because the drinks are free you can have all you want. If you do, at best you will find the next morning that the drinks were not free after all. At worst, you might wake up in the guest room bathtub and have no idea how you got there. (Your host was very pleased when you locked the door to the only bathroom in the house. Too bad the pounding on the door didn’t give you a hint, Bunky.)

9 At a holiday party, do not think an informal atmosphere will lend itself to getting closer to your boss. If you do, At best, you will only say one stupid thing. At worst, you wake up at 3:00 am realizing you told your boss exactly what you thought of the latest project. (Now you also remember the hurt look on the boss’ face since it was a pet project. Maybe you can say you had a brain aneurysm huh Ferd?)

8 At a holiday party, do not double dip from the crab spread. If you do, at best no one will notice, and you’ll be safe. At worst, unfortunately, you chose the moment when the boss was doing a video panorama and are now a piece of history. (The playback at the office caused a noticeable groan from your co-workers and several grabbed their zinc inhaler. Why you had to sneeze right after the double dip is anybody’s guess.)

7 At a holiday party, do not think of arriving without a host gift. If you do, at best you might be able to sneak in unnoticed. At worst, the host had requested in the invitation to bring an unwrapped toy for a needy child. (That will teach you to ignore letters. You never sent an RSVP either did you, Buster?)

6 At a holiday party, do not think everyone wants to sing carols. If you do, at best you may be doing a solo. At worst, you will be so annoying that the host will ask his cousin Tiny with WWF champ to see you to the door. (Tiny’s method of seeing people to the door is very similar to his winning body slam in the ring. Don’t worry nothing’s broken. It’s all fake remember?)

5 At a holiday party, do not try to get away with bringing a  cheap bottle of wine as a gift. If you do, at best no one will see you set it down.At worst, your host will thank you and suggest that you open it immediately to share with the guests. (Two-buck Chuck is so well-known Oscar that your face is now the color of the wine.)

4 At a holiday party, do not attempt to have controversial discussions with each conversation. If you do, at best you’ll end up talking to the dog. At worst, you’ll spark a debate that will ultimately engulf the entire room and eventually lead to the arrival of a SWAT team. (Well you did learn that politics is a hot subject didn’t you, Bucky?)

3 At a holiday party, do not think you have to entertain everyone with your jokes. If you do, at best you’ll find out quickly you are no Henny Youngman. At worst, most in attendance will enquire of the host about that strange person who is not funny. (The beautiful thing is your boss’ boss took down your name which should lead to some good stuff. Maybe at the next company huh, Milton?)

2 At a holiday party, do not suggest that everyone go out into the snow to see how beautiful the lights look. If you do, at best no one will follow you. At worst, your host will open the front door and promptly slam and lock it after you are gone. (It seemed like a good idea at the time didn’t it, Roscoe?. Now you need to call and get your shoes back.)

1 At a holiday party, do not ignore someone who asks for your keys. If you do, at best you will be breaking the law. At worst, you could be responsible for hurting yourself and more importantly an innocent victim. (Obviously, we all should remember not to drink and drive this holiday season.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are a Writer

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

Writing

 

The inspiration for this list is thinking back on all the mistakes I made while trying to become a writer. Not that I made all of them, but maybe most. I hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You Are a Writer

10 If you are a writer, do not kill a child or a pet in your story. If you do, at best the fallout will blow over in two years or so. At worst, you will be cavorting with some strange characters in your new witness protection plan. (Don’t get cute with a pen name either. They will find you)

9  If you are a writer, do not show friends and family portions of your work in process. If you do, at best you’ll pick up some unwanted advice on plot direction. At worst, your family will now wonder how in the world you ever got the experience to write that sex scene. (Just how do you explain that one Buford?)

8 If you are a writer, do not think you can take a vacation. If you do, at best your characters will haunt your every moment until you get back to the manuscript. At worst, you’ll suddenly let your insecure inner self convince you to quit and become a McDonald’s employee. (At least the money will be better huh Clyde?)

7 If you are a writer, do not tell people at a cocktail party what you do. If you do, at best they’ll smile and walk away. At worst, you will have to listen to a potential best-selling synopsis that takes over an hour to relate by someone who is thinking of writing a book. (Like it is the easiest thing to do, Ferd)

6 If you are a writer, do not think that life ends when the manuscript is done. If you do, at best your story will take on epic proportions. At worst, you may get the heaviest book award from the New Apple Book  Awards group. (You didn’t know that was a category? It was established primarily for you. No, your manuscript cannot be returned since the flatbed truck is not available.)

5 If you are a writer, do not let your characters take control of the story. If you do, at best you’ll have a pack of amateurs running the show. At worst, your story will take on the appearance of a three-ring circus (You hadn’t intended to write about  entertainment did you, Ernest?)

4 If you are a writer, do not be in a hurry to get published. If you are, at best you may have a plot hole that no one will notice. At worst, the grammar, plot, character, and continuity issues might gain you all the one-star reviews you can handle. (Quite a shock huh?)

3 If you are a writer, do not think you need to do little else. If you do, at best those few books sold will be gravy. At worst, your status as the great undiscovered but brilliant novelist will remain undisturbed. (Best to write your own eulogy as well.)

2 If you are a writer, do not plan to have your retirement income be solely based on your royalties. If you do, at best you can cut expenses enough to survive. At worst, you are allergic to the kind of soup at the Salvation Army kitchen. (All your pals are really impressed that you are an author. Right Bunkie?)

1 If you are a writer, do not argue with your reviewers. If you do, at best the reviews will not improve. At worst, you may pick on the single reviewer who is classically trained in the martial arts and knows where you live. (Is that Tiny the WWF champ tearing your front door off the hinges?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Time Changes

~ John W. Howell ~ 43 Comments

 

Daylight Savings time

I dislike the time change situation and have to guard against doing some unnatural things during the “getting used to” period. I hope this list is not too late.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Time Changes

10 When there is a time change, do not think “fall back ” will really give you an hour of extra sleep. If you do, at best you will be grumpy and disappointed. At worst, you will hold a grudge against the government until the “spring forward” time comes around. (Those threatening letters to the President have a way of coming back to haunt you. Don’t they felon?)

9 When there is a time change, do not expect your pets to understand the difference. If you do, at best you will have a lot of whining around the house. At worst, those routines that are now disrupted will cause some major animal errors. (What part of going outside by 7:00 did you miss trying to extend the visit by an hour?)

8 When there is a time change, do not expect your boss to understand your inability to adapt. If you do, at best your boss has the same problem. At worst, the meeting called for your performance appraisal was an hour ago. (I’ll bet you are happy with your raise this year Ferd. Is giving back some of last year’s a thing?)

7 When there is a time change, do not think the rest of the world needs to understand your disorganization. If you do, at best you will only miss a couple of scheduled events. At worst, your no-show profile will be noted, and the next event invitation will conveniently arrive one hour after the event is over. (There is only so much planners can take and after all it’s been three months since the change.)

6 When there is a time change, do not forget to reset your timers. If you do forget, at best there will be minor inconveniences until set. At worst, that oven setting will be an hour late, and you’ll be faced with raw chicken, and you invited your boss for dinner. (Lucky you there is a Kentucky Fried outlet just down the block. What you don’t know is your boss can’t eat fried food and just walked through the front door.)

5 When there is a time change, do not forget it gets dark earlier in the fall. If you do, at best you’ll need to remember a flashlight next time. At worst, that sinkhole which is very visible in the light somehow disappears in the dark. (That is until you manage to step in it and go up to your knees in freezing water huh Bunky?)

4 When there is a time change, do not take out the fact that you are out of sorts on others. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worst, you will insult those whose job it is to serve you. (You can’t tell but Tiny the WWF champ is heading to your table to personally deliver the perfectly cooked meal you sent back. It seems that Tiny was on probation as a chef and your meal was the test case. Hope your health insurance is in effect Buster.)

3 When there is a time change, do not keep one clock on the previous time. If you do, at best you might pay attention to that clock and miss something. At worst, you will keep reminding yourself of your unfortunate lack of ability to adapt and continue to measure your life in terms of what is missing as opposed to what you have. (A deep philosophical point which can be summed up with the word “stubborn.” Right Clyde?)

2 When there is a time change, do not be concerned that you have to calculate scheduled times for your favorite shows. If you do, at best you will miss a few shows due to your own error. At worst, you will employ a tremendous amount of effort only to discover the shows are on at the same time as usual. (Makes one feel foolish doesn’t it Homer

1 When there is a time change, do not attempt to change your car clock yourself. If you do, at best you’ll realize quickly you need help. At worst , you’ll make some adjustment that has never been seen before and will require a replacement clock to fix. (The clock reset is a little car manufacturer humor built into each car. Maybe this is the only exception to point number three.)

Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween

~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

Halloween

 

 

I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain  the inspiration for this list. Since today is Halloween, it is pretty obvious. Yes, there are some things on this list that I have done, but I’ll let you figure out which ones.

Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween

10 On Halloween, do not run out of candy. If you do, at best you will be marked as a cheap skate. At worst, the amount of soap on your windows will require a profession crew to remove. (That handing out pennies idea didn’t work so well did it, Rube?)

9 On Halloween, do not try to hide in the basement with all the lights off. If you do, at best you will miss out on some cute costumes. At worst, the gremlins, witches, and goblins will make it a point to discover why you are not home. (That glowing computer screen did you in Ferd.)

8 On Halloween, do not try any scare tactics on the trick or treaters. If you do, at best the neighborhood watch group will be paying you a call. At worst, Child Protective Services will have your house identified as a possible child abuse location. (I know it seemed funny at the time, but think of the scarred little psyches not to mention the accidents on your front porch.)

7 On Halloween, do not hand out home-made anything. If you do, at best it will all be thrown away. At worst, the local health department will be acting on a complaint and will insist on inspecting your kitchen. (That white glove sure looks bad in the light Bunkie.)

6 On Halloween, do not make the trick or treaters do anything for their treats. If you do, at best you’ll get blank stares. At worst you’ll get a visit from Tiny the WFF champion wrestler who is escorting the kids and he will insist that you dance or else get his special treat. (You don’t want to see Tiny’s knuckle sandwich up close.)

5 On Halloween, do not hand out toothbrushes instead of candy. If you do, at best you will win the “kook of the neighborhood” award. At worst, most of the trick or treaters will be polite but Tiny’s kid will insist on a candy treat while sitting on your chest. (It is funny what is passed in the gene pool isn’t it?)

4 On Halloween, if you insist on wearing a costume, do not make the trick or treaters guess what or who you are. If you do, at best they will not have a clue. At worst, they will all guess wrong and you will suddenly realize you have a screw loose for even trying in the first place. (Funny how some things go out of style quickly. It is surprising that the five-year olds couldn’t get your Tele Tubby costume. (Your favorite show as a kid right?)

3 On Halloween, do not attempt to pass out shots of alcohol to the parents of trick or treaters. If you do, at best you will be very popular until the wee hours of the morning. At worst, your neighbors will assume you have some kind of problem and will ask the police to make sure no kids get your handout. (That sure took a nasty turn, didn’t it Beauford?)

2 On Halloween, do not leave a bowl of treats on the porch with a note to “take one on the honor system.” If you do, at best the treats will be gone before sundown. At worst, the trick or treaters will ring your bell every three seconds in pursuit of a refill. (You quickly learned that “honor” in your neighborhood means “me first.”)

1 On Halloween, do not watch Nightmare on Elm Street, Psycho, Friday the Thirteenth, Amityville Horror, The Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, or any other horror movie. If you do, at best you  will need the day off tomorrow. At worst, the EMS crew will find it mildly amusing that you were in charge of your own heart attack. (You could have just read a book Bevis. At the scary part you could have put it down.)

Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town

~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

 

Top Ten

The inspiration for this list was a traveling spouse two weeks ago. She was visiting the youngest for an extended weekend. I say the inspiration was her visit, nothing in this list pertains to me. Ahem.

Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town

10 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not organize an all-night card party. If you do, at best there will be minor damage which can be covered up. At worst, the guest who never drinks decides to have too much of a dark red Cabernet just before passing out holding a full glass on your significant other’s favorite white couch. (You might as well set fire to the house right now.)

9 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not decide to make up and work on your own to do list. If you do, at best you might get one thing on the list right. At worst, you will finish the list only to discover that all the items were things your significant other wanted to do. (Well you now have a big problem since you know all the things need to be redone.)

8 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not even think of not doing dishes. If you don’t do them, at best the homecoming will be less joyous. At worst, that heavy trash can is a hint that your dirty dishes no longer exist. (Could have saved yourself on this one Bunkie. You were warned.)

7 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not take the kids or dogs for a new haircut. If you do, at best you will have to repeat the rule on which part of parenting you are not responsible. At worst, you will end up at the hair cutter demanding another cut. (You also have orders not to pay another red. So now you have to hide the payment as well.)

6 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not rearrange the furniture. If you do, at best your significant other will trip and fall over the ottoman which wasn’t there before. At worst, deep relationship issues around communication change could result. (You didn’t know the depth of insecurity there did you.)

5 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not think putting the spices in alphabetical order is a good idea. If you do, at best your significant other will be confused at first but catch on. At worst, you will be asked one hundred times to locate the chili powder. (Some people just don’t get the idea of chili powder being under  “C” and not “P” no matter how many time you explain it to Tiny who as WWF world wrestling Champ should get it.)

4 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not use treats to get the kids or pets to behave. If you do, at best they will rat you out immediately upon the significant other’s return. At worst, you will have created a behavior modification system that will require increasing amounts of treats to sustain. (It is like being on a substance abuse treadmill isn’t it Grover.)

3 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not lock yourself out of the house. If you do, at best you can convince one of the kids to open the door. At worst, you will become increasingly hysterical as your darling children not only refuse to open the door but decide to begin playing chef with your butane Cream Brule caramelizing torch. (Try explaining this one, Buford.)

2 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not forget to follow the plant watering instructions to the letter. If you do forget, at best the droops will go away after you do remember. At worst, you spot the prize orchid taking a dive just as your significant other pulls into the driveway. (This was the orchid that would have taken first place at the flower show which your spouse has been working on for over a year. It just doesn’t get any worse.)

1 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not expect a souvenir. If you do, at best your reward will be a small bottle of conditioner from Days Inn. At worst, you will get a T-shirt that reads, “My significant other went to Las Vegas, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” that will be two sizes too small. (Another car polish rag, right Ralph?)

Ten Things Not to Do During a Full Moon

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

 

 

Full Moon

Since last night the Hunter’s Moon was full, I was inspired to give some thought as to what we should never do during a full moon. I hope you enjoy it. Oh, for you scientists out there this is all made up. I write fiction, so when looking for truth, I would suggest anyplace, but here.

Ten Things Not to Do During a Full Moon

by John W. Howell © 2016

10 If there is a full moon, do not go into a graveyard just to see what will happen. If you do, at best you will challenge your all time best heart rate. At worst, the total recall of Blair Witch Project will have you running for your life. (So you thought you had everything under control didn’t you?)

9 If there is a full moon, do not ask that cloaked stranger for directions. If you do, at best it will be too distracted by the moon to answer you. At worst, it will offer you a ride which is your last. (Those hairy hands should have been a big clue)

8 If there is a full moon, do not back into any rooms period. If you do, at best you might trip and fall. At worst, that snarling thing that you thought you saw in the backyard is now on your back. (Every movie goer knows better, Bunkie)

7 If there is a full moon, do not act on the urge to make hay. If you do, at best there won’t be a lot of grass where you live. At worst, the farmer will think you are poaching his hay and call the police. (Or worse yet use that rock salt-loaded shotgun to clear his field.)

6 if there is a full moon, do not think your neighbors would appreciate a serenade about the moon and a spoon. If you do think so, at best you will suddenly realize why the term “rotten tomatoes,” is used to rate talent. At worst, the magistrate will have a tough time trying to justify letting you go free. (Maybe the psychological evaluation will put everyone at ease)

5 If there is a full moon, resist the urge to skinny dip. If you can’t, at best a quick dip with no one, the wiser will be your fate. At worst, after the dog takes your clothes and you are chasing him the spotlight of your neighbor’s security system bathes you in the light of high noon. (There is a tape that goes with that light, and your neighbor has a pretty high price tag on it)

4 If there is a full moon, under no circumstances do you need to harvest anything. If this advice falls on deaf ears, at best stick with canned goods. At worst, your quest for a fresh pumpkin at Whole Foods after hours could net you a free night in the county lock-up.( Your roommate Tiny is just not the type to feel good about you after the slamming cell door at midnight.)

3 If there is a full moon, do not argue with the traffic officer who just pulled you over. If you do, at best you’ve guaranteed yourself a ticket. At worst, the officer may be a graduate of an anger management treatment series. (Seems that his events are always triggered during a full moon)

2 If there is a full moon, do not enter a political chat room with the idea of defending your choice for President. If you do, at best you will be able to turn off your computer. At worst, somehow the room has discovered your real identity and are threatening to come right over. (Looks like you might need to leave town for a while huh Grover?)

1 If there is a full moon, do not answer your door or your phone. If you do, at best it will be someone you know. At worst, there will be a character you’ve never known saying, “I know what you did last summer.” (Yeah, this one is bad. You need to run now.)

Ten Things Not to Do on a Sunday

~ John W. Howell ~ 46 Comments

Sunday

 

The inspiration for this list is the belief that everyone should take at least one day to recoup energy. My time of choice is Sunday. The items on this list are here as a result of observations that others believe differently about Sunday.

10 If it is Sunday, do not start a plumbing self-repair job. If you do, at best it will go well. At worst, you will have somehow caused a major flow of water which can’t be stopped until Monday. (Good luck, chief. All the plumbers are off today and that 24/7 emergency repair line has been busy for twelve hours)

9 If it is Sunday, do not mow your lawn. If you do, at best you will only lose a couple of friends. At worst, you will get a visit from Tiny (The WWF world champion) who has a severe case of sleep apnea, and you just woke him up from his first nap in days. (I would use those new Nike’s for speed Buster)

8 If it is Sunday, refrain from using that shop vac to clean out your car. If you use it, at best most of your neighbors will be at church or inside and won’t hear it. At worst, the one neighbor who has anger issues which are triggered by high pitch sounds will decide to silence your machine forever. (Too bad he took out the entire electrical line when he ripped the plug out of the wall.)

7 If it is Sunday, do not drive by the church on your way to the golf course or brunch. If you do, at best the service will be underway and all inside. At worst, you get there just as the congregation gets out all excited about today’s sermon which was about rescuing the lost sheep from sin. (Yup. You now are on everyone’s list as a lamb to save. Good luck with peace and quiet for the next three weeks.)

6 If it is Sunday, fight the urge to use that new chainsaw. If you lost the battle, at best your cutting will be short and sweet. At worst, you will find you have gotten into a cutting situation where the tree looks like it will fall in the wrong direction which will be either on your house or you. (Don’t call for help Bunkie cause no one will come.)

5 If it is Sunday, do not use any sharp objects. If you do, at best you will have no injuries. At worst, you will do your usual self-infliction and have to go to Doc in the Box for help. (Guess who is on duty at the clinic? I’ll give you a hint. The doc is the lowest in seniority and least experienced.)

4 If it is Sunday, do not rush to a restaurant without a reservation. If you do, at best you will have quite a wait as others had the same idea. At worst, the restaurant is not open on Sunday. (WTF don’t they know it is all about you?)

3 If it is Sunday, do not try to watch a football game and finish that last chapter of your novel. If you do, at best both events will be a bust. At worst, you will have a last chapter that reads like an ESPN broadcast. ( “Her hero tried valiantly for the extra effort but was crushed by the overwhelming size and weight of the opposing warriors. The decision was made to go for a final charge, and he breached the line and scored.”)

2 If it is Sunday, do not decide to take in a movie at the last-minute. If you do, at best you won’t see the film you want because of the crowd. At worst, you will need to wait in line for a possible hit on the ten o’clock showing. (“Man where did all these people come from? I can’t believe these people have nothing to do today.” Yeah believe it)

1 If it is Sunday, and you live near me. Please take the time to relax. If you don’t, at best, I’ll put up with the noise for a time. At worst, I’ll write you into a Top Ten post or even worse, one of my novels. (In the novel the outcome won’t be so good either.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show

~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

 

 

MustangThe inspiration for this list came as I was walking around the Mustangfest on Saturday. I swear all of these are made up, and I did not use actual personal experiences to compile this list. Hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show.

10 If you attend an auto show, do not touch the cars. If you do at best, you will be reminded not to do it. At worst, that tall guy with the polish cloth heading in your direction has orders to use his knuckles if necessary to keep people back from the cars. (Just your luck, his T-shirt has “Punch First, Ask Second,” silkscreened on the front)

9 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the owner how much was spent on the restoration. If you do, at best you’ll get a vague answer like “too much.” At worst, you will get an actual number that is said within earshot of the owner’s spouse followed by a round of bickering. (You can’t escape this one and find yourself on the receiving end of blows from both.)

8 If you attend an auto show, do not insist on a ride in one of the cars. If you do, at best the owner will try to ignore you. At worst, the owner will call security to have you escorted out. (Security just happens to be handled by the Oakland California chapter of the Hell Angles. Yes, Tiny is President and happy to help you out.)

7 if you attend an auto show, do not take pictures of cars and people without permission. If you do, at best you’ll be kindly asked to stop. At worst, you can reclaim your camera in stall one of the men’s room. (It is amazing how low the level of tolerance was when you snapped that flash into the face of the big guy  asking you to stop.)

6 If you attend an auto show, do not set a beverage container on a car. If you do, at best you will be asked to leave. At worst, you will cause an apoplectic reaction from the owner that will require an EMS intervention. (I’ll bet you never saw that shade of red on a human face before did you? Oh, by the way, Tiny was asking around for you.)

5 If you attend an auto show, do not point out flaws in the car to the owner. If you do, at best the owner will walk away. At worst, you will have said enough to trigger the set point for past anger issues and the consequences will be noisy at best. (You never knew you could run that fast especially through crowds of people. How were you to know this was the owner’s fist day out of the institution.)

4 If you attend an auto show, do not open anything on the car that isn’t already open. If you do, at best you will be asked kindly to leave the vehicle alone. At worst, you will open the door, lid, or hatch to a potentially embarrassing situation. (How did you know seven days of laundry was in that trunk?)

3 If you attend an auto show, do not let the children run free. If you do, at best they will behave as you have taught them. At worst, that all day sucker that is missing will show up inside the award-winning convertible. (The sad part is your child cries out, “Hey that’s my sucker” as the man is trying to remove it from his white leather seat. The crowd now turns to you.)

2 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the car owner’s spouse about the family participation in the hobby. If you do, at best you will get a short reply that broadcasts resentment. At worst, you’ll get an invitation to have a drink that will turn into a four-hour complaint session resulting in a slurred outburst against the whole idea. (Another fine fix you are in hey, Bbunkie. You are lucky not to be named a co-respondent in the divorce.)

1 If you attend an auto show, do not attempt to impress the muscle car owner with the performance attributes of your Prius. If you do, at best the scoff with give you a hint to move on. At worst, the owner will call a few friends over so that there will be an audience to witness the put-down. (What ever made you think muscle car love had anything to do with fuel economy?)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Full Moon Campfire on the Beach

~ John W. Howell ~ 46 Comments

 

Moon Rise

The inspiration for this post has been my attendance at some full moon campfires on the beach. Now I know everyone who will read this will not have the opportunity to attend some full moon campfires, but you never know and should be prepared. A full moon bonfire event usually has a collection of friends, a little food, and some adult beverages. The idea is to celebrate the moonrise with companionship and good cheer.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Full Moon Campfire on the Beach.

10 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not over rotate the demonstration of your fire building skills. If you do, at best your neighbors and friends will wonder if you have some problem with fire. At worst, the conflagration generated will take a company of firefighters and several thousands of dollars to get under control and damage repaired. (Boy, that gasoline sure went up quick didn’t it baldy?)

9 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think volume alone will get everyone to like your selection of music. If you do, at best no one will hear you when you ask how they like the music. At worst, the accidental slip of your boombox into the tub of ice will generate a standing ovation. (You are just now beginning to suspect the fall wasn’t so accidental)

8 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not take the opportunity to talk non-stop about your favorite subject. If you do, at best you will end up talking to yourself. At worst, the generous folks who have put up with you for the last four full moon campfires will finally crack and will offer you a big cup of ” shut the f**k up.” (Wow! Where did that come from huh pilgrim?)

7 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not bring some exotic dish that only a food crank could love. If you do at best, you will have plenty of leftovers for tomorrow. At worst, someone will take a taste of your dish and ask loudly “who brought the dog food?” (So everyone didn’t care for charbroiled, sustainable, line-caught, tofu but did they have to be insulting?)

6 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think you need to consume your weight in an adult beverage. If you do at best, you will fall asleep before anything embarrassing happens. At worst, you will be living down the suggestion that everyone go skinny dipping in the Gulf. (The funny part is  you were the only one and that moon was the brightest.)

5 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think you need to instruct everyone on the fine art of marshmallow roasting. If you do, at best most will ignore your technique and burn them anyway. At worst, the youngsters will now see you as that old fart who doesn’t know how to mind their own business. ( Halloween will be the time for the payback)

4 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not misplace your shoes. If you do, at best you will give the impression that you have lost your faculties as well. At worst, while searching in the dark, you will have stepped any number of beasties not to mention that corkscrew that old man Jenkins dropped last month.(Makes you wonder why you didn’t just keep them on doesn’t it?)

3 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not scream at every passing vehicle to slow down. (This is in Texas only where driving on the beach is allowed) If you do, at best you will lose your voice in a half hour. At worst, that hulk of a guy getting out of the truck happens to be named Tiny and just broke up with his girlfriend who used to tell him to slow down all the time. ( I guess you know how to pick ’em huh?)

2 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think you need that twenty million candlepower military surplus flashlight. If you do, at best those you illuminate won’t pass out. At worst, that helicopter above you from homeland security is thinking the source of the light is a danger and is requesting permission to let go with the equivalent of a thousand gallon water balloon. (Good thing you wore your bathing suit Bunky.)

1 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not believe all the attendees will benefit from a full lecture on the type and history of this full moon. If you do, most will ignore what you have to say and will keep offering you a drink. At best, you will be looking at the moon and discussing the fine points without noticing the group has moved fire and all a quarter of a mile away. (You thought they were are stunned into silence by your brilliance didn’t you Professor? (Sure is lonely at the top.)

 

Ten Things Not to Do While Watching Competition Shows.

~ John W. Howell ~ 29 Comments

Do it

 

The inspiration for this list came to me while watching a few shows where people compete for money, a hosting berth on a food show, to see if they would like to sell or list their house, or just want a new place to live. I did not know what to call these shows, so I labeled them competition shows. Anyway, I think you get the idea.

10 If you are watching a competition show and it involves food, do not think you need to match bite for bite. If you do, at best you’ll be too full to sleep. At worst, your doctor will conduct an intervention and perhaps admit you to a sanitarium to lose weight. (Man that first 100 pounds came quick didn’t it?)

9 If you are watching a competition show and it involves racing from one place to the next do not think you need to rush to the store after. If you do, at best the kindly officer will let you off with a warning after he hears your story. At worst, your insurance company will not reinstate your policy in spite of your promise to get rid of the racing gloves. (You would have been okay had you not slid sideways into the 7/11.)

8 If you are watching a competition show and the players are all on an island with no food, do not plan your vacation while watching. If you do, at best your room choices will seem luxurious when in fact they should be condemned.  At worst, you’ll arrive at your destination and realize that primitive camp living might not have been the best option. (Especially since your family considers roughing it as no room service.)

7 If you are watching a competition show and the favorite day of the show is demolition day, do not tackle that small home improvement. If you do, at best you will spend three minutes on demolition and ten days on reconstruction. At worst, your demolition fever will go unchecked until you realize you have no more bedrooms. (That night sky is sure filled with stars isn’t it?)

6 If you are watching a competition show and the principles pay for rundown houses with cash, do not make an offer on a house. If you do, at best you will overlook some needed repairs. At worst, you will realize there is no one to help you with what has been described as a “tear down.” (It looked so easy on TV didn’t it Bunky?)

5 If you are watching a competition show and the homeowners are asked it, they love it or should they list it? Do not call an agent to list your house. If you do, at best you will have second thoughts about your beloved home. At worst, your house will sell in two days with the new owners wanting to move in a week and you have nowhere to go. (How come everything for sale is higher priced than what you got for your house? Huh?)

4 If you are watching a competition show and there are judges eliminating chefs, do not decide you can cook better than all of them. If you do, at best your offerings may not be enthusiastically received. At worst, you will have a food walk out at your house, and you’ll be the last chef standing. (Seems kind of lonely just you and that pot of stew.)

3 If you are watching a competition show and it involves food trucks, do not think that may be an easy way to make a buck. If you do, at best your first week will be a killer. At worst, after you spend all that money to buy the truck you realize you can’t sell the truck.(Kind of cramped to live in right?)

2 If you are watching a competition show that involves two guys giving the homeowner a complete makeover for $30,000, do not ask for bids on your remodel. If you do, at best you’ll never get a price low enough to proceed. At worst, you will find someone to do the job at your price and have to hire another contractor to redo the job at twice the price. (All looked good until the ceiling fell. Right?)

1 If you are watching a competition show that involves selecting a home from three choices of houses, do not think you will be that lucky. If you do, At best you will need to see more. At worst, you will look at three and pick one and discover a better house has com on the market and is cheaper. (So much for being in a rush huh, Rube?)