Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show

~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

 

 

MustangThe inspiration for this list came as I was walking around the Mustangfest on Saturday. I swear all of these are made up, and I did not use actual personal experiences to compile this list. Hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show.

10 If you attend an auto show, do not touch the cars. If you do at best, you will be reminded not to do it. At worst, that tall guy with the polish cloth heading in your direction has orders to use his knuckles if necessary to keep people back from the cars. (Just your luck, his T-shirt has “Punch First, Ask Second,” silkscreened on the front)

9 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the owner how much was spent on the restoration. If you do, at best you’ll get a vague answer like “too much.” At worst, you will get an actual number that is said within earshot of the owner’s spouse followed by a round of bickering. (You can’t escape this one and find yourself on the receiving end of blows from both.)

8 If you attend an auto show, do not insist on a ride in one of the cars. If you do, at best the owner will try to ignore you. At worst, the owner will call security to have you escorted out. (Security just happens to be handled by the Oakland California chapter of the Hell Angles. Yes, Tiny is President and happy to help you out.)

7 if you attend an auto show, do not take pictures of cars and people without permission. If you do, at best you’ll be kindly asked to stop. At worst, you can reclaim your camera in stall one of the men’s room. (It is amazing how low the level of tolerance was when you snapped that flash into the face of the big guy  asking you to stop.)

6 If you attend an auto show, do not set a beverage container on a car. If you do, at best you will be asked to leave. At worst, you will cause an apoplectic reaction from the owner that will require an EMS intervention. (I’ll bet you never saw that shade of red on a human face before did you? Oh, by the way, Tiny was asking around for you.)

5 If you attend an auto show, do not point out flaws in the car to the owner. If you do, at best the owner will walk away. At worst, you will have said enough to trigger the set point for past anger issues and the consequences will be noisy at best. (You never knew you could run that fast especially through crowds of people. How were you to know this was the owner’s fist day out of the institution.)

4 If you attend an auto show, do not open anything on the car that isn’t already open. If you do, at best you will be asked kindly to leave the vehicle alone. At worst, you will open the door, lid, or hatch to a potentially embarrassing situation. (How did you know seven days of laundry was in that trunk?)

3 If you attend an auto show, do not let the children run free. If you do, at best they will behave as you have taught them. At worst, that all day sucker that is missing will show up inside the award-winning convertible. (The sad part is your child cries out, “Hey that’s my sucker” as the man is trying to remove it from his white leather seat. The crowd now turns to you.)

2 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the car owner’s spouse about the family participation in the hobby. If you do, at best you will get a short reply that broadcasts resentment. At worst, you’ll get an invitation to have a drink that will turn into a four-hour complaint session resulting in a slurred outburst against the whole idea. (Another fine fix you are in hey, Bbunkie. You are lucky not to be named a co-respondent in the divorce.)

1 If you attend an auto show, do not attempt to impress the muscle car owner with the performance attributes of your Prius. If you do, at best the scoff with give you a hint to move on. At worst, the owner will call a few friends over so that there will be an audience to witness the put-down. (What ever made you think muscle car love had anything to do with fuel economy?)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Full Moon Campfire on the Beach

~ John W. Howell ~ 46 Comments

 

Moon Rise

The inspiration for this post has been my attendance at some full moon campfires on the beach. Now I know everyone who will read this will not have the opportunity to attend some full moon campfires, but you never know and should be prepared. A full moon bonfire event usually has a collection of friends, a little food, and some adult beverages. The idea is to celebrate the moonrise with companionship and good cheer.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Full Moon Campfire on the Beach.

10 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not over rotate the demonstration of your fire building skills. If you do, at best your neighbors and friends will wonder if you have some problem with fire. At worst, the conflagration generated will take a company of firefighters and several thousands of dollars to get under control and damage repaired. (Boy, that gasoline sure went up quick didn’t it baldy?)

9 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think volume alone will get everyone to like your selection of music. If you do, at best no one will hear you when you ask how they like the music. At worst, the accidental slip of your boombox into the tub of ice will generate a standing ovation. (You are just now beginning to suspect the fall wasn’t so accidental)

8 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not take the opportunity to talk non-stop about your favorite subject. If you do, at best you will end up talking to yourself. At worst, the generous folks who have put up with you for the last four full moon campfires will finally crack and will offer you a big cup of ” shut the f**k up.” (Wow! Where did that come from huh pilgrim?)

7 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not bring some exotic dish that only a food crank could love. If you do at best, you will have plenty of leftovers for tomorrow. At worst, someone will take a taste of your dish and ask loudly “who brought the dog food?” (So everyone didn’t care for charbroiled, sustainable, line-caught, tofu but did they have to be insulting?)

6 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think you need to consume your weight in an adult beverage. If you do at best, you will fall asleep before anything embarrassing happens. At worst, you will be living down the suggestion that everyone go skinny dipping in the Gulf. (The funny part is  you were the only one and that moon was the brightest.)

5 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think you need to instruct everyone on the fine art of marshmallow roasting. If you do, at best most will ignore your technique and burn them anyway. At worst, the youngsters will now see you as that old fart who doesn’t know how to mind their own business. ( Halloween will be the time for the payback)

4 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not misplace your shoes. If you do, at best you will give the impression that you have lost your faculties as well. At worst, while searching in the dark, you will have stepped any number of beasties not to mention that corkscrew that old man Jenkins dropped last month.(Makes you wonder why you didn’t just keep them on doesn’t it?)

3 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not scream at every passing vehicle to slow down. (This is in Texas only where driving on the beach is allowed) If you do, at best you will lose your voice in a half hour. At worst, that hulk of a guy getting out of the truck happens to be named Tiny and just broke up with his girlfriend who used to tell him to slow down all the time. ( I guess you know how to pick ’em huh?)

2 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think you need that twenty million candlepower military surplus flashlight. If you do, at best those you illuminate won’t pass out. At worst, that helicopter above you from homeland security is thinking the source of the light is a danger and is requesting permission to let go with the equivalent of a thousand gallon water balloon. (Good thing you wore your bathing suit Bunky.)

1 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not believe all the attendees will benefit from a full lecture on the type and history of this full moon. If you do, most will ignore what you have to say and will keep offering you a drink. At best, you will be looking at the moon and discussing the fine points without noticing the group has moved fire and all a quarter of a mile away. (You thought they were are stunned into silence by your brilliance didn’t you Professor? (Sure is lonely at the top.)

 

Ten Things Not to Do While Watching Competition Shows.

~ John W. Howell ~ 29 Comments

Do it

 

The inspiration for this list came to me while watching a few shows where people compete for money, a hosting berth on a food show, to see if they would like to sell or list their house, or just want a new place to live. I did not know what to call these shows, so I labeled them competition shows. Anyway, I think you get the idea.

10 If you are watching a competition show and it involves food, do not think you need to match bite for bite. If you do, at best you’ll be too full to sleep. At worst, your doctor will conduct an intervention and perhaps admit you to a sanitarium to lose weight. (Man that first 100 pounds came quick didn’t it?)

9 If you are watching a competition show and it involves racing from one place to the next do not think you need to rush to the store after. If you do, at best the kindly officer will let you off with a warning after he hears your story. At worst, your insurance company will not reinstate your policy in spite of your promise to get rid of the racing gloves. (You would have been okay had you not slid sideways into the 7/11.)

8 If you are watching a competition show and the players are all on an island with no food, do not plan your vacation while watching. If you do, at best your room choices will seem luxurious when in fact they should be condemned.  At worst, you’ll arrive at your destination and realize that primitive camp living might not have been the best option. (Especially since your family considers roughing it as no room service.)

7 If you are watching a competition show and the favorite day of the show is demolition day, do not tackle that small home improvement. If you do, at best you will spend three minutes on demolition and ten days on reconstruction. At worst, your demolition fever will go unchecked until you realize you have no more bedrooms. (That night sky is sure filled with stars isn’t it?)

6 If you are watching a competition show and the principles pay for rundown houses with cash, do not make an offer on a house. If you do, at best you will overlook some needed repairs. At worst, you will realize there is no one to help you with what has been described as a “tear down.” (It looked so easy on TV didn’t it Bunky?)

5 If you are watching a competition show and the homeowners are asked it, they love it or should they list it? Do not call an agent to list your house. If you do, at best you will have second thoughts about your beloved home. At worst, your house will sell in two days with the new owners wanting to move in a week and you have nowhere to go. (How come everything for sale is higher priced than what you got for your house? Huh?)

4 If you are watching a competition show and there are judges eliminating chefs, do not decide you can cook better than all of them. If you do, at best your offerings may not be enthusiastically received. At worst, you will have a food walk out at your house, and you’ll be the last chef standing. (Seems kind of lonely just you and that pot of stew.)

3 If you are watching a competition show and it involves food trucks, do not think that may be an easy way to make a buck. If you do, at best your first week will be a killer. At worst, after you spend all that money to buy the truck you realize you can’t sell the truck.(Kind of cramped to live in right?)

2 If you are watching a competition show that involves two guys giving the homeowner a complete makeover for $30,000, do not ask for bids on your remodel. If you do, at best you’ll never get a price low enough to proceed. At worst, you will find someone to do the job at your price and have to hire another contractor to redo the job at twice the price. (All looked good until the ceiling fell. Right?)

1 If you are watching a competition show that involves selecting a home from three choices of houses, do not think you will be that lucky. If you do, At best you will need to see more. At worst, you will look at three and pick one and discover a better house has com on the market and is cheaper. (So much for being in a rush huh, Rube?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Heat

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

Hot Earth

 

The inspiration for this list is the unrelenting heat here in South Texas. (And all over) We have had eight weeks of hot weather and no rain. Normally on the coast, we have the advantage of the Gulf breezes which serve to keep the daytime highs at no more than 89 degrees. Now that may seem warm but compared to the 106 degree inland temperatures 89 feels fresh. Lately, the temperatures have gone above 90 degrees and coupled with humidity; we have been looking at heat indexes of 111 to 113 degrees.

I will admit this list is by design a little overstated and the product of a fiction writer. So natural questions like, “Who would do that there thing?” (avoiding ending the sentence with a preposition) should be tempered with the fact that I MAKE THIS STUFF UP IN MY HEAD.

Ten Things Not to Do in the Heat.

10 If you are in the heat, do not decide to fire your pottery. If you do, at best the 1000 degree oven will win.  At worst, you might be forced to take fluids intravenously. (Man, that drip sure gets in the way hey Bunkie?)

9 If you are in the heat, do not do the yard work promised last winter. If you do, at best you will lose intelligence points at home. At worst, that elevated heart beat is signalling you to proceed to the nearest ER. (Too bad no one is at home to drive you, Sport)

8 If you are in the heat, do not tackle that welding project. If you do, at best you may lose weight. At worst, the third-degree burns on your face are in sharp contrast to the non-burned places where your goggles were in place. (A little aloe vera gel might help cool that down.)

7 If you are in the heat, do not volunteer to help out as a crossing guard at the school. If you do, at best the soaking wet shirt makes an interesting statement which the PTA would like to discuss in person. At worst, your memory will always be kept alive in the crossing guard Hall of Fame for not dropping your stop sign as you went down. (What a great testimonial to dedication. Sorry you missed it)

6 If you are in the heat, do not think it was a good idea to carry ice cream home for a treat. If you do, at best you can still enjoy the Oreo chunks which are all that is left. At worst, tucking the ice cream into your recyclable bag along with your wallet proved to be a mistake on several levels. (Handing the police your ice cream soaked license was a big mistake. “I had to get home officer before the ice cream melted.”)

5 If you are in the heat, do not think several adult beverages will help you stay cool. If you do, at best you may be hot but can’t feel a thing. At worst, you overdo it and realize you slept in the yard all night. (Don’t worry about those mosquito bites. The swelling will go down, and you will be able to see in a day or two.)

4 If you are in the heat, do not think sitting in water all day will spare you from suffering. If you do, at best you will suffer prune body. At worst, you will need help getting out of the water since you absorbed many gallons and now weigh over three hundred pounds. (The six o’clock news has the entire rescue recorded for replay at ten o’clock as well.)

3 If you are in the heat, do not decide to take up running as an exercise. If you do, at best you will faint after two blocks. At worst, you will finish a five-mile run and have to take three weeks off work to recover. ( Who was that person who gave you a lift home anyway?)

2 If you are in the heat, do not decide to use your super big grill and smoker. If you do, at best you will choose to finish everything in the oven in the house. At worst, you will have created an environment that is hotter than the hinges on the gates to hell, and you can’t get cool. ( Chugging the five-gallon water cooler bottle might help. Maybe not.)

1 If you are in the heat, do not think your pets have some magic immunity to the high temperatures. If you do, at best you may need to cool them off quickly. At worst, you may need to get them to the nearest vet for emergency treatment. (Okay, this one is serious and all too often people forget to keep their pets (and children sorry to say) protected from the effects of high temperatures.

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the Olympics

~ John W. Howell ~ 37 Comments

Olympic Rings

 

Now that the Olympics are underway, I think it is a good idea to lay out a few suggestions on things not to do. Hopefully this list will save a reputation or two.

10 During the Olympics do not keep asking how many medals the US has won. If you do, at best you will have missed the idea of the competition. At worst, you just might get a suggestion that you would be better off at a horse race where winning is everything. (Did you not drink the one world cool-aid Bunkie)

9 During the Olympics do not insist that your interest in watching sand volleyball is purely for the artistic nature of the sport. At best, you’ll come off as someone not in touch with themselves. At worst, you be seen as a perv. (How did you miss that winning point Bud?)

8 During the Olympics do not stay up until all hours waiting for the final match. If you do, at best you won’t care who wins when the finals eventually are underway. At worst, you’ll fall asleep and miss the action. (You know there is such a thing as a recorded replay right?)

7 During the Olympics, do not insist on watching the boxing matches while visiting friends. If you do, at best they will think you lack social grace. At worst, your friends will start to question your motive. (“You would rather watch that stuff than talk to us?” is a question going through their mind right now.)

6 During the Olympics, do not insist on having meals in front of the TV. If you do, your family will become very worried about you. At worst, you might be the recipient of an interdiction by Olympic Watchers Anonymous. (You just didn’t know when that old Olympic habit moved into addiction did you fella?)

5 During the Olympics, do not buy or wear anything with the Olympic logo on it. if you do, at best you’ll own something that marks you as a little odd. At worst, once the event is over, you’ll have four more years before you can put it on again. (Will your stomach be in the same place four years from now Ferd?)

4 During the Olympics, do not put a country flag on your face. If you do, at best your neighbors will think you are from out-of-town and weird. At worst, your attempt to look cute while supporting your country will be viewed as a desperate act to gain recognition. (After all, there is no Jumbotron on your block)

3 During the Olympics, do not buy soft drinks or beer in a commemorative can or bottle. If you do, at best you’ll get some funny looks at the next social gathering. At worst, everyone will know how old your drinks are when you try to pass them off next summer. (Those big sales you expected on eBay never came through did they?)

2 During the Olympics, do not organize an Olympic party. If you do, at best the only attendees are all those folks you don’t like in the first place. At worst, you’ll have everything set up and realize you picked the night of the least favorite event. (Those appetizers and burgers will freeze well. Don’t you worry. Now the potato salad is another matter)

1 During the Olympics, do not demand that everyone in your house be quiet during the diving competition. If you do, at best you will confirm your lack of a grip on reality. At worst, the family will call in a professional to assist them in your recovery. (Yes, it’s true the divers can’t hear you from your home)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a GYM (or Workout Club)

~ John W. Howell ~ 40 Comments

 

Workout Meme

Having been a member of a gym for some years, I managed to observe some annoying habits of other attendees. Since I no longer have access to a fitness facility I want to dedicate this blog to y’all. (you know who you are)

10 If you are working out, do not leave the equipment covered in sweat. If you do, at best you’ll earn the club gross-out award. At worst, you might have a discussion with Tiny the club rules enforcer. (Tiny tends to talk with his fists, and you could be looking at an incoming knuckle sandwich.)

9 If you are working out, do not do your stretches in a way that blocks others use of a machine. If you do, at best you may find yourself blocked at some point. At worst, a brave soul may only knock you out of the way and use the machine. (You would argue but it looks like they outweigh you by 100 pounds and they are wearing a WWF champion belt)

8 If you are working out, do not wear week-old workout clothes. If you do, at best you’ll have plenty of workout space to yourself. At worst, the membership will take up a collection and present you with the “Sponsor a homeless person”  check for twenty-five dollars. (Pretty embarrassing getting into your BMW after the ceremony isn’t it.)

7 If you are working out, do not drop the bar of weights on the floor. If you do, at best the population will take cover thinking an earthquake is in progress. At worst, you happen to hit the floor weak spot, and you and the bar of weights wake up in the basement. (You have to wonder why no one seems to care that you are missing.)

6 If you are working out, do not sing along to the music in your earbuds. If you do, at best the rest of the club will think you’ve lost your mind. At worst, Someone will call 911 thinking you are in excruciating pain and are in the throes of a heart attack. (You might as well go with the EMT’s since they are trained to subdue crazies who resist.)

5 If you are working out, don’t brag about your weight loss. If you do, at best those who might have considered being a friend are long gone. At worst, you will brag to the wrong person who has a medical condition coupled with a psychotic episodes triggered by the word “loss.” (Running fast was never your strong suit was it?)

4 If you are working out, do not flirt with the instructor. If you do, at best the instructor will do their best to stay away from you. At worst, the instructor will think you may be the love of their life. (Only now do you find out the instructor is on a work release program after an episode with a former student.)

3 If you are working out, do not try to hoard as many clean towels as you can fit in your locker. If you do, at best others will know and treat you like a thief. At worst, security will pay you a visit just as you open your towel stuffed locker. (Talking fast doesn’t seem to help does it?)

2 If you are working out, do not make grunting noises as you do your reps. If you do, at best the room will think you’re obsessed. At worst the management will send Tiny to discuss proper decorum in the gym. (Seems a lot of folks thought your grunts were a little too personal.)

1 If you are working out, do not make a habit of filling up more than one water bottle at the fountain. If you do, at best the long line will consist of those who have come to hate you. At worst, the tall guy behind you will cease to be able to control his desire to act on an urge to drown you in the very same fountain. (Wow! “Where did that come from?” You ask.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a High School Reunion – Replay

~ John W. Howell ~ 34 Comments

As you may know, I have taken a temporary assignment in organized commerce. I have been entirely consumed in that task so if you will forgive me I’m running a Top Ten Things Not to Do from the past. Next week may not be so hectic, so I will get some new material together (I hope)

This one ran last year on July 16th. I hope you enjoy the replay.

High School Reunion
This list is as a result of seeing some high school reunion photos and messages on some social media sites. I have never attended a high school reunion, so the information captured here has been matters of here say and recounting of others about their reunion.

Top Ten Thing Not to do at a High School Reunion

10 If you attend a high school reunion, do not pose for photos that you don’t know where they will end up. If you do at best, the photos will only be traded among classmates. At worst, they will end up on the “what the not to wear, eat, or drink” website.(Which will go viral and you’ll be getting calls from the Today show to appear on their segment called EXCESS)

9 If you attend a high school reunion, do not pretend to be what you are not. If you do, at best your little fib will be seen as a joke. At worst, your profile on the class newsletter will be featured under the title Most Successful Grad. (Which will be picked up by the news services and published by your newspaper)

8 If you attend a high school reunion, do not bring a date that you do not know simply because they are beautiful. If you do, at best your charade will be found out early with no consequences. At worst, your date will discover the actual reason you brought them and will make an exit and a scene remembered for the next five reunions. (Only you passing away will halt the story telling)

7 If you attend a high school reunion, do not rent an expensive car for your grand entrance. If you do, at best you will look overly anxious to impress and get the opposite reaction. At worst, the valet will take your rental car for a spin and inadvertently leave the side chrome on the street fleeing a hit and run accident. (Which you will easily be able to explain to the judge)

6 If you attend a high school reunion, do not try to hide the fact that you don’t remember everyone’s name. If you do, at best you will look like a fool trying to check name tags without being caught. At worst, you will call someone by a different name, and the name will be associated by that person to an old flame or rival. (You will have lots a bunch of points on that one)

5 If you attend a high school reunion, do not take this time to argue fine points about your grades with your old teachers. If you do, at best the teachers will wish they had flunked you. At worst, one of them may remember you failed to turn in that assignment in the eleventh grade that will require you to repeat the course and nullify your high school diploma. (Try explaining that to your boss)

4 If you attend a high school reunion, do not think your old flame wants to begin where you left off just by smiling at you. If you do, at best you will be embarrassed to learn they are happily married. At worst, you will be a little too forward thinking all is forgiven only to be arrested as you leave the building for assault. ( Gotta remember no means no)

3 If you attend a high school reunion, do not assume the free drinks at the bar carry no consequences. If you do, at best you may exhibit a little tipsiness that everyone will think is cute. At worst, you will have the honor and resulting infamy of passing out on top of the Congratulations Class cake. (The clothes you’re wearing belong to your roommate as well.)

2 If you go to a high school reunion, do not offer to be part of the planning committee for the next one. If you do, at best everyone will forget your offer. At worst, you will be appointed chairperson with all the rights and responsibilities to make the nest one the best ever. (You will also want to get a Xanax prescription)

1 If you go to a high school reunion, do not tell everyone you meet that “we must get together.” If you do at best, they will all wonder if you are having a breakdown. At worst, the ones you least want to see will stay in touch long enough to cop a free overnight on their way through your town. (Plus they have some kind of foot infection that requires you to burn your sheets when they leave)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You’re an Islander

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

Islander

The inspiration for this list is the way in which non-islanders view those who live on an island. Since I have done both, I suppose I’m qualified to give advice to Islanders about how to keep non-islanders from viewing them as weird. Well, islanders are weird but at least maybe, with this list, they could appear less so.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You are an Islander

10 If you are an Islander, do, not tell everyone “It’s five o’clock somewhere” when you are taking a drink. If you do, at best they will think you need to justify your drinking habit. At worst, you’ll get a full-scale intervention. (That Pina Colada for breakfast sure cut the fog didn’t it, though?)

9 If you are an Islander, do not use the word “chill” ever. If you do, at best your uptight non-islander friends will take offense. At worst, you might trigger a psychotic event with someone who has reached the end of the advice road. (Wow, where did that fist come from?)

8 If you are an Islander, do not criticize the frozen shrimp served in the non- islander’s appetizer. If you do, your host will no doubt wish you had stayed home. At worst, you will get some advice on where you can store your fresh shrimp boat and all. (Hint, it’s a place where the sunshine is at a minimum)

7 If you are an Islander, do not attend events in flip-flops. If you do, at best most will think you rude. At worst, you may be asked to find a more sanitary mode of footwear. (The wedding invitation said nothing about footwear did it, Clyde?)

6 If you are an Islander, do not think all furniture can withstand suntan oil staining. If you do, at best those you visit will have a permanent remembrance of your visit on their floral print furniture. At worst, you might be presented with the cleaning tab for that spot left behind. (Why so mad? You didn’t mean it. Right Clod?)

5 If you are an Islander, do not drive on the non-island freeway. If you do, at best you’ll be assaulted by honking horns. At worst, you may find yourself, tired, confused, and arrested for going thirty-five miles an hour in a sixty-five zone. (Thirty-five seems fast enough for a human to travel, huh Ferd?)

4 If you are an Islander, do not refer to everyone and everything as “off island.” If you do, at best you need to remember you are “off island” as well. At worst, someone may accuse you of using derogatory terms and take offense. (Guess who the big guy crossing the room with clenched fists is coming to talk to?)

3 If you are an Islander, do not show up for a meeting or interview wearing shorts. If you do, at best no one will take you seriously. At worst some will think you are avoiding the dress convention and assume you are a rebellious individual. (You must know how “rebellious” and “individual” traits play in organized commerce. Ah well, unemployment checks are better than nothing)

2 If you are an Islander, do not ignore the sign, “No shoes, no shirt, no service.” If you do, at best you won’t get a table. At worst, you will need to find another way to eat since that sign seems to be everywhere. (Hot dogs over an open fire are tasty Rube)

1 If you are an Islander, do not fail to shower before you leave the island. If you do, at best you won’t see the wild looks of those you pass.  At worst, you will spend some lonely days until you get back. (We know you just forgot and besides a dip in the Gulf takes care of everything.)

 

Ten Things Not to Do When You Have a Honey-Do List

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

Honey Do List

The inspiration for this list has been a number of years of being the recipient of lists of things that needed fixing. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you receive a honey-do list, do not laugh at the items on the list. If you do, at best you’ll get one of those looks that turn brave thoughts to flee instincts. At worst, you’ll have to try to defend the undefendable fact that you haven’t kept up with normal maintenance. (The couch is pretty lumpy wouldn’t you say?)

9 If you receive a honey-do list, do not take shortcuts to complete the list. If you do, At best the inspection will produce some embarrassing deficiencies. At worst, you find yourself in the do-over mode, and it will take longer than the original mode would have taken. (Was that game you rushed to see worth it, Buster?)

8 If you receive a honey-do list, do not try to substitute available materials for those that require a store trip. If you do, at best the fix will last a month or two. At worst, you’ll find at the conclusion of the job definite evidence that you blew it.(How do feel about a bedroom full of water? Bunky)

7 If you receive a honey-do list, do not try to do it if you don’t know how. If you do, at best you will need to call a pro to complete the work. At worst, you will need to call a pro to fix what you messed up and then finish the work. (Feel good about paying twice what the project would have cost in the first place?)

6 If you receive a honey-do list, do not call your friends to help. If you do, at best they will all but prevent the job from being completed. At worst, none of them will have the skills needed but will make an attempt to help with questionable results. (You did incur beer and food costs in addition to the repair of the repair costs, huh, Bud?)

5 If you receive a honey-do list, do not ignore the instructions as to the desired outcome. If you do, at best the job will never be satisfactory. At worst, your usual roundabout way of doing things will add time and cost to the project. (Maybe it wasn’t necessary to dig that hole and build a foundation for the flower box after all, right?)

4 If you receive a honey-do list, do not fail to finish each item. If you do, at best you will appear to be someone who needs planning help. At worst, you will be faced with someone who has been hired to complete what you start. (Man those labor costs are killers aren’t they?)

3 If you receive a honey-do list, do not make excuses for not doing the items. If you do, at best your excuses will fall on deaf ears. At worse, the excuses will be used as justification for engaging Beaucoup Bucks & Sons contracting.(What’s in a name? Whoa!)

2 If you receive a honey-do list, do not put off getting to work on it immediately. If you do, at best the list will only get longer. At worst, there will be a growing feeling that you will never get the list done which will culminate in an introduction to Beaucoup Bucks & Sons. (Man those sons sure have dirty shoes don’t they?)

1 If you receive a honey-do list, do not fail to report results of projects completed. If you do, at best there will be no record of accomplishment. At worst, you will not have confirmation that the job is complete, and it may just show up again. (You have to demonstrate you can get things done, Buford.)