Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Heat

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

Hot Earth

 

The inspiration for this list is the unrelenting heat here in South Texas. (And all over) We have had eight weeks of hot weather and no rain. Normally on the coast, we have the advantage of the Gulf breezes which serve to keep the daytime highs at no more than 89 degrees. Now that may seem warm but compared to the 106 degree inland temperatures 89 feels fresh. Lately, the temperatures have gone above 90 degrees and coupled with humidity; we have been looking at heat indexes of 111 to 113 degrees.

I will admit this list is by design a little overstated and the product of a fiction writer. So natural questions like, “Who would do that there thing?” (avoiding ending the sentence with a preposition) should be tempered with the fact that I MAKE THIS STUFF UP IN MY HEAD.

Ten Things Not to Do in the Heat.

10 If you are in the heat, do not decide to fire your pottery. If you do, at best the 1000 degree oven will win.  At worst, you might be forced to take fluids intravenously. (Man, that drip sure gets in the way hey Bunkie?)

9 If you are in the heat, do not do the yard work promised last winter. If you do, at best you will lose intelligence points at home. At worst, that elevated heart beat is signalling you to proceed to the nearest ER. (Too bad no one is at home to drive you, Sport)

8 If you are in the heat, do not tackle that welding project. If you do, at best you may lose weight. At worst, the third-degree burns on your face are in sharp contrast to the non-burned places where your goggles were in place. (A little aloe vera gel might help cool that down.)

7 If you are in the heat, do not volunteer to help out as a crossing guard at the school. If you do, at best the soaking wet shirt makes an interesting statement which the PTA would like to discuss in person. At worst, your memory will always be kept alive in the crossing guard Hall of Fame for not dropping your stop sign as you went down. (What a great testimonial to dedication. Sorry you missed it)

6 If you are in the heat, do not think it was a good idea to carry ice cream home for a treat. If you do, at best you can still enjoy the Oreo chunks which are all that is left. At worst, tucking the ice cream into your recyclable bag along with your wallet proved to be a mistake on several levels. (Handing the police your ice cream soaked license was a big mistake. “I had to get home officer before the ice cream melted.”)

5 If you are in the heat, do not think several adult beverages will help you stay cool. If you do, at best you may be hot but can’t feel a thing. At worst, you overdo it and realize you slept in the yard all night. (Don’t worry about those mosquito bites. The swelling will go down, and you will be able to see in a day or two.)

4 If you are in the heat, do not think sitting in water all day will spare you from suffering. If you do, at best you will suffer prune body. At worst, you will need help getting out of the water since you absorbed many gallons and now weigh over three hundred pounds. (The six o’clock news has the entire rescue recorded for replay at ten o’clock as well.)

3 If you are in the heat, do not decide to take up running as an exercise. If you do, at best you will faint after two blocks. At worst, you will finish a five-mile run and have to take three weeks off work to recover. ( Who was that person who gave you a lift home anyway?)

2 If you are in the heat, do not decide to use your super big grill and smoker. If you do, at best you will choose to finish everything in the oven in the house. At worst, you will have created an environment that is hotter than the hinges on the gates to hell, and you can’t get cool. ( Chugging the five-gallon water cooler bottle might help. Maybe not.)

1 If you are in the heat, do not think your pets have some magic immunity to the high temperatures. If you do, at best you may need to cool them off quickly. At worst, you may need to get them to the nearest vet for emergency treatment. (Okay, this one is serious and all too often people forget to keep their pets (and children sorry to say) protected from the effects of high temperatures.

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the Olympics

~ John W. Howell ~ 37 Comments

Olympic Rings

 

Now that the Olympics are underway, I think it is a good idea to lay out a few suggestions on things not to do. Hopefully this list will save a reputation or two.

10 During the Olympics do not keep asking how many medals the US has won. If you do, at best you will have missed the idea of the competition. At worst, you just might get a suggestion that you would be better off at a horse race where winning is everything. (Did you not drink the one world cool-aid Bunkie)

9 During the Olympics do not insist that your interest in watching sand volleyball is purely for the artistic nature of the sport. At best, you’ll come off as someone not in touch with themselves. At worst, you be seen as a perv. (How did you miss that winning point Bud?)

8 During the Olympics do not stay up until all hours waiting for the final match. If you do, at best you won’t care who wins when the finals eventually are underway. At worst, you’ll fall asleep and miss the action. (You know there is such a thing as a recorded replay right?)

7 During the Olympics, do not insist on watching the boxing matches while visiting friends. If you do, at best they will think you lack social grace. At worst, your friends will start to question your motive. (“You would rather watch that stuff than talk to us?” is a question going through their mind right now.)

6 During the Olympics, do not insist on having meals in front of the TV. If you do, your family will become very worried about you. At worst, you might be the recipient of an interdiction by Olympic Watchers Anonymous. (You just didn’t know when that old Olympic habit moved into addiction did you fella?)

5 During the Olympics, do not buy or wear anything with the Olympic logo on it. if you do, at best you’ll own something that marks you as a little odd. At worst, once the event is over, you’ll have four more years before you can put it on again. (Will your stomach be in the same place four years from now Ferd?)

4 During the Olympics, do not put a country flag on your face. If you do, at best your neighbors will think you are from out-of-town and weird. At worst, your attempt to look cute while supporting your country will be viewed as a desperate act to gain recognition. (After all, there is no Jumbotron on your block)

3 During the Olympics, do not buy soft drinks or beer in a commemorative can or bottle. If you do, at best you’ll get some funny looks at the next social gathering. At worst, everyone will know how old your drinks are when you try to pass them off next summer. (Those big sales you expected on eBay never came through did they?)

2 During the Olympics, do not organize an Olympic party. If you do, at best the only attendees are all those folks you don’t like in the first place. At worst, you’ll have everything set up and realize you picked the night of the least favorite event. (Those appetizers and burgers will freeze well. Don’t you worry. Now the potato salad is another matter)

1 During the Olympics, do not demand that everyone in your house be quiet during the diving competition. If you do, at best you will confirm your lack of a grip on reality. At worst, the family will call in a professional to assist them in your recovery. (Yes, it’s true the divers can’t hear you from your home)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a GYM (or Workout Club)

~ John W. Howell ~ 40 Comments

 

Workout Meme

Having been a member of a gym for some years, I managed to observe some annoying habits of other attendees. Since I no longer have access to a fitness facility I want to dedicate this blog to y’all. (you know who you are)

10 If you are working out, do not leave the equipment covered in sweat. If you do, at best you’ll earn the club gross-out award. At worst, you might have a discussion with Tiny the club rules enforcer. (Tiny tends to talk with his fists, and you could be looking at an incoming knuckle sandwich.)

9 If you are working out, do not do your stretches in a way that blocks others use of a machine. If you do, at best you may find yourself blocked at some point. At worst, a brave soul may only knock you out of the way and use the machine. (You would argue but it looks like they outweigh you by 100 pounds and they are wearing a WWF champion belt)

8 If you are working out, do not wear week-old workout clothes. If you do, at best you’ll have plenty of workout space to yourself. At worst, the membership will take up a collection and present you with the “Sponsor a homeless person”  check for twenty-five dollars. (Pretty embarrassing getting into your BMW after the ceremony isn’t it.)

7 If you are working out, do not drop the bar of weights on the floor. If you do, at best the population will take cover thinking an earthquake is in progress. At worst, you happen to hit the floor weak spot, and you and the bar of weights wake up in the basement. (You have to wonder why no one seems to care that you are missing.)

6 If you are working out, do not sing along to the music in your earbuds. If you do, at best the rest of the club will think you’ve lost your mind. At worst, Someone will call 911 thinking you are in excruciating pain and are in the throes of a heart attack. (You might as well go with the EMT’s since they are trained to subdue crazies who resist.)

5 If you are working out, don’t brag about your weight loss. If you do, at best those who might have considered being a friend are long gone. At worst, you will brag to the wrong person who has a medical condition coupled with a psychotic episodes triggered by the word “loss.” (Running fast was never your strong suit was it?)

4 If you are working out, do not flirt with the instructor. If you do, at best the instructor will do their best to stay away from you. At worst, the instructor will think you may be the love of their life. (Only now do you find out the instructor is on a work release program after an episode with a former student.)

3 If you are working out, do not try to hoard as many clean towels as you can fit in your locker. If you do, at best others will know and treat you like a thief. At worst, security will pay you a visit just as you open your towel stuffed locker. (Talking fast doesn’t seem to help does it?)

2 If you are working out, do not make grunting noises as you do your reps. If you do, at best the room will think you’re obsessed. At worst the management will send Tiny to discuss proper decorum in the gym. (Seems a lot of folks thought your grunts were a little too personal.)

1 If you are working out, do not make a habit of filling up more than one water bottle at the fountain. If you do, at best the long line will consist of those who have come to hate you. At worst, the tall guy behind you will cease to be able to control his desire to act on an urge to drown you in the very same fountain. (Wow! “Where did that come from?” You ask.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a High School Reunion – Replay

~ John W. Howell ~ 34 Comments

As you may know, I have taken a temporary assignment in organized commerce. I have been entirely consumed in that task so if you will forgive me I’m running a Top Ten Things Not to Do from the past. Next week may not be so hectic, so I will get some new material together (I hope)

This one ran last year on July 16th. I hope you enjoy the replay.

High School Reunion
This list is as a result of seeing some high school reunion photos and messages on some social media sites. I have never attended a high school reunion, so the information captured here has been matters of here say and recounting of others about their reunion.

Top Ten Thing Not to do at a High School Reunion

10 If you attend a high school reunion, do not pose for photos that you don’t know where they will end up. If you do at best, the photos will only be traded among classmates. At worst, they will end up on the “what the not to wear, eat, or drink” website.(Which will go viral and you’ll be getting calls from the Today show to appear on their segment called EXCESS)

9 If you attend a high school reunion, do not pretend to be what you are not. If you do, at best your little fib will be seen as a joke. At worst, your profile on the class newsletter will be featured under the title Most Successful Grad. (Which will be picked up by the news services and published by your newspaper)

8 If you attend a high school reunion, do not bring a date that you do not know simply because they are beautiful. If you do, at best your charade will be found out early with no consequences. At worst, your date will discover the actual reason you brought them and will make an exit and a scene remembered for the next five reunions. (Only you passing away will halt the story telling)

7 If you attend a high school reunion, do not rent an expensive car for your grand entrance. If you do, at best you will look overly anxious to impress and get the opposite reaction. At worst, the valet will take your rental car for a spin and inadvertently leave the side chrome on the street fleeing a hit and run accident. (Which you will easily be able to explain to the judge)

6 If you attend a high school reunion, do not try to hide the fact that you don’t remember everyone’s name. If you do, at best you will look like a fool trying to check name tags without being caught. At worst, you will call someone by a different name, and the name will be associated by that person to an old flame or rival. (You will have lots a bunch of points on that one)

5 If you attend a high school reunion, do not take this time to argue fine points about your grades with your old teachers. If you do, at best the teachers will wish they had flunked you. At worst, one of them may remember you failed to turn in that assignment in the eleventh grade that will require you to repeat the course and nullify your high school diploma. (Try explaining that to your boss)

4 If you attend a high school reunion, do not think your old flame wants to begin where you left off just by smiling at you. If you do, at best you will be embarrassed to learn they are happily married. At worst, you will be a little too forward thinking all is forgiven only to be arrested as you leave the building for assault. ( Gotta remember no means no)

3 If you attend a high school reunion, do not assume the free drinks at the bar carry no consequences. If you do, at best you may exhibit a little tipsiness that everyone will think is cute. At worst, you will have the honor and resulting infamy of passing out on top of the Congratulations Class cake. (The clothes you’re wearing belong to your roommate as well.)

2 If you go to a high school reunion, do not offer to be part of the planning committee for the next one. If you do, at best everyone will forget your offer. At worst, you will be appointed chairperson with all the rights and responsibilities to make the nest one the best ever. (You will also want to get a Xanax prescription)

1 If you go to a high school reunion, do not tell everyone you meet that “we must get together.” If you do at best, they will all wonder if you are having a breakdown. At worst, the ones you least want to see will stay in touch long enough to cop a free overnight on their way through your town. (Plus they have some kind of foot infection that requires you to burn your sheets when they leave)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You’re an Islander

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

Islander

The inspiration for this list is the way in which non-islanders view those who live on an island. Since I have done both, I suppose I’m qualified to give advice to Islanders about how to keep non-islanders from viewing them as weird. Well, islanders are weird but at least maybe, with this list, they could appear less so.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You are an Islander

10 If you are an Islander, do, not tell everyone “It’s five o’clock somewhere” when you are taking a drink. If you do, at best they will think you need to justify your drinking habit. At worst, you’ll get a full-scale intervention. (That Pina Colada for breakfast sure cut the fog didn’t it, though?)

9 If you are an Islander, do not use the word “chill” ever. If you do, at best your uptight non-islander friends will take offense. At worst, you might trigger a psychotic event with someone who has reached the end of the advice road. (Wow, where did that fist come from?)

8 If you are an Islander, do not criticize the frozen shrimp served in the non- islander’s appetizer. If you do, your host will no doubt wish you had stayed home. At worst, you will get some advice on where you can store your fresh shrimp boat and all. (Hint, it’s a place where the sunshine is at a minimum)

7 If you are an Islander, do not attend events in flip-flops. If you do, at best most will think you rude. At worst, you may be asked to find a more sanitary mode of footwear. (The wedding invitation said nothing about footwear did it, Clyde?)

6 If you are an Islander, do not think all furniture can withstand suntan oil staining. If you do, at best those you visit will have a permanent remembrance of your visit on their floral print furniture. At worst, you might be presented with the cleaning tab for that spot left behind. (Why so mad? You didn’t mean it. Right Clod?)

5 If you are an Islander, do not drive on the non-island freeway. If you do, at best you’ll be assaulted by honking horns. At worst, you may find yourself, tired, confused, and arrested for going thirty-five miles an hour in a sixty-five zone. (Thirty-five seems fast enough for a human to travel, huh Ferd?)

4 If you are an Islander, do not refer to everyone and everything as “off island.” If you do, at best you need to remember you are “off island” as well. At worst, someone may accuse you of using derogatory terms and take offense. (Guess who the big guy crossing the room with clenched fists is coming to talk to?)

3 If you are an Islander, do not show up for a meeting or interview wearing shorts. If you do, at best no one will take you seriously. At worst some will think you are avoiding the dress convention and assume you are a rebellious individual. (You must know how “rebellious” and “individual” traits play in organized commerce. Ah well, unemployment checks are better than nothing)

2 If you are an Islander, do not ignore the sign, “No shoes, no shirt, no service.” If you do, at best you won’t get a table. At worst, you will need to find another way to eat since that sign seems to be everywhere. (Hot dogs over an open fire are tasty Rube)

1 If you are an Islander, do not fail to shower before you leave the island. If you do, at best you won’t see the wild looks of those you pass.  At worst, you will spend some lonely days until you get back. (We know you just forgot and besides a dip in the Gulf takes care of everything.)

 

Ten Things Not to Do When You Have a Honey-Do List

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

Honey Do List

The inspiration for this list has been a number of years of being the recipient of lists of things that needed fixing. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you receive a honey-do list, do not laugh at the items on the list. If you do, at best you’ll get one of those looks that turn brave thoughts to flee instincts. At worst, you’ll have to try to defend the undefendable fact that you haven’t kept up with normal maintenance. (The couch is pretty lumpy wouldn’t you say?)

9 If you receive a honey-do list, do not take shortcuts to complete the list. If you do, At best the inspection will produce some embarrassing deficiencies. At worst, you find yourself in the do-over mode, and it will take longer than the original mode would have taken. (Was that game you rushed to see worth it, Buster?)

8 If you receive a honey-do list, do not try to substitute available materials for those that require a store trip. If you do, at best the fix will last a month or two. At worst, you’ll find at the conclusion of the job definite evidence that you blew it.(How do feel about a bedroom full of water? Bunky)

7 If you receive a honey-do list, do not try to do it if you don’t know how. If you do, at best you will need to call a pro to complete the work. At worst, you will need to call a pro to fix what you messed up and then finish the work. (Feel good about paying twice what the project would have cost in the first place?)

6 If you receive a honey-do list, do not call your friends to help. If you do, at best they will all but prevent the job from being completed. At worst, none of them will have the skills needed but will make an attempt to help with questionable results. (You did incur beer and food costs in addition to the repair of the repair costs, huh, Bud?)

5 If you receive a honey-do list, do not ignore the instructions as to the desired outcome. If you do, at best the job will never be satisfactory. At worst, your usual roundabout way of doing things will add time and cost to the project. (Maybe it wasn’t necessary to dig that hole and build a foundation for the flower box after all, right?)

4 If you receive a honey-do list, do not fail to finish each item. If you do, at best you will appear to be someone who needs planning help. At worst, you will be faced with someone who has been hired to complete what you start. (Man those labor costs are killers aren’t they?)

3 If you receive a honey-do list, do not make excuses for not doing the items. If you do, at best your excuses will fall on deaf ears. At worse, the excuses will be used as justification for engaging Beaucoup Bucks & Sons contracting.(What’s in a name? Whoa!)

2 If you receive a honey-do list, do not put off getting to work on it immediately. If you do, at best the list will only get longer. At worst, there will be a growing feeling that you will never get the list done which will culminate in an introduction to Beaucoup Bucks & Sons. (Man those sons sure have dirty shoes don’t they?)

1 If you receive a honey-do list, do not fail to report results of projects completed. If you do, at best there will be no record of accomplishment. At worst, you will not have confirmation that the job is complete, and it may just show up again. (You have to demonstrate you can get things done, Buford.)

Ten Things Not to Do On College Campus Visits

~ John W. Howell ~ 39 Comments

 

Campus tours

It is right about time for those wonderful college tours for the children going into their senior year of high school. This list has inspiration in a foggy memory of such visits nine years ago. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are visiting a college, do not stop in the bookstore first. If you do, at best you will be overwhelmed by the assortment. At worst, you will buy a bunch of stuff only to learn that your child “hates this place.” (Well it figures doesn’t it? Waldo.)

9 If you are visiting a college, do not wear clothing from another school. If you do, at best the personnel with think you haven’t a clue. At worst, your shirt will distract the student guide and they will forget half of what you wanted to know. (You could have picked a non-rival right?)

8 If you are visiting a college, do not feed the mascot. If you do, at best the guard will ask you to leave. At worst, that cookie you just tossed the bear is the only thing on the planet for which it has an allergy. (Nothing like CPR on a sweating, hairy, monster with bad breath, huh, Pilgrim?)

7 If you are visiting a college, do not interrupt the tour guide. If you do, at best they will forget where they were and will have to start from the beginning. At worst, your tour guide is a fragile human being who was encouraged to lead tours as a method of building self-confidence and is now in a pool of tears trying to survive a complete meltdown. (Well, you could have waited until the recording was over)

6 If you are visiting a college, do not make fun of tradition. If you do at best, you will see some serious frowns. At worst, the massive varsity football player who just got drafted by the Oakland Raiders will want to talk to you in private. (So what does it hurt not to snicker when everyone says, “Howdy” to you.)

5 If you are visiting a college, do not go to one where your child has zero chance of being accepted. If you do, at best they will suddenly see what they will be missing. At worst, they will decide that this is the college for them and none other will do. (Now this is a fine kettle of fish we’ve gotten ourselves into Laurel)

4 If you are visiting a college, do not just visit the ones with big time sports teams. If you do, at best some good schools can be overlooked. At worst, maybe your child has no interest in sports, and you’ll realize too late that you are here because you want to be here. (You already went to school. Give it up, Bucky)

3 If you are visiting a college, do not engage your tour guide in a discussion about tuition. If you do, at best they will direct you to the provost’s office. At worst, you will be bringing new information to a student tour guide who will become increasingly concerned about the cost enough to get a job and flunk out.( Never saw that one coming did ya? Bud.)

2 If you are visiting a college, do not think acceptance will be automatic. If you do, at best you will start to make plans that won’t materialize. At worst, you might just give the impression to everyone you meet that you think the entrance is a slam dunk, and there are more than enough who will want to thwart that view. (What a surprise on rejection letter day.)

1 If you are visiting a college, do not talk about your college experiences. If you do, at best the students will think you have never grown up. At worst, your child will want to find a deep hole and a dump truck and guess who is the cargo. (None of those kids are interested in ancient history pops unless it is a required course and maybe not even then)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Men’s Weekend Trip.

~ John W. Howell ~ 43 Comments

 

Ski FallThe inspiration for this list is some men only ski trips I have taken to Lake Tahoe. Some of the items in this list are as a result of observation. There is at least one in which I participated. I’ll let you decide which one it is. I also wanted to do this list while the memory of snow is a good one.

Ten Things Not to Do on a Men’s Weekend Trip.

10 If you are on a men’s trip, do not volunteer to cook anything. If you do, at best you will be relieved after the first meal. At worst, the group will love what you do, and you’ll spend the rest of the trip chained to the six burner stove. (You always wanted someone to praise your food but not this much huh chump?)

9 If you are on a men’s trip, do not take your time to enter the house when you get there. If you do, at best you’ll have the last pick of sleeping accommodations. At worst, the last pick will be the swing on the three season porch and the three seasons have passed. (Yes, that is snow on your shoulder this morning.)

8 If you are on a men’s trip, do not wear your at home sleeping attire. If you do, at best that hole filled T-shirt will be the talk of the group long after the trip is over. At worst, pictures will be taken and go viral. (Pretty hard to explain no bottoms isn’t it?)

7  If you are on a men’s trip, do not slip and fall headfirst into the hot tub while holding onto a pastrami sandwich. If you do, at best you’ll be able to get rid of the sandwich before it hits the filter. At worst, the damage deposit will be entirely consumed replacing the filter. (Guess who’s going to pay the whole thing?)

6 If you are on a men’s trip, do not decide to gamble unless you know what you are doing. If you do, at best you will lose early and quit. At worst, you will win early and then continue until you are cleaned out. (Sure, the casino accepts American Express)

5 If you are on a men’s trip, do not try to convert anyone to your vegan principles. If you do, at best everyone will think you are joking. At worst, your fellow travelers will keep their distance hoping they don’t catch whatever you have. (The explanation of the virtues of the vegan lifestyle might be better if your audience is sober)

4 If you are on a men’s trip, do not forget the effects of high altitude on liquor consumption. If you do, at best you might just pass out. At worst, you will spend the night using the ceramic microphone to call trains to places like Pittsburgh. (Amazing how long the process of detox takes, huh Bunky?)

3 If you are on a man’s trip, do not think the whole group wants to go with you to visit the place you were married. If you do, at best you’ll go alone. At worst, those that do go with you will end up thinking they have wasted their time and demand you pay for drinks. (Okay, I confess. This one is mine. My wife and I married at Lake Tahoe, and I did convince some to visit the spot with me. Yes, I bought the drinks after.)

2 If you go on a man’s trip, do not think you have to use all the drink coupons on the journey to the destination. If you do, at best you will still be flying when you land. At worst, you’ll have to face the trip home without any fortification and in the center row between two members of the University wrestling team. (Maybe a little more air would help, but you can’t raise your arms trapped by the incredible hulks on each side.)

1 If you go on a man’s trip, do not forget a souvenir for the folks back home. If you do forget, at best you have just had your last men’s trip. At worst, the memory token will be chosen for you and will cost a little more than what you would have spent. (No, two tickets stubs from a casino show will not do.)

Top Ten Things Not to do on Memorial Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 31 Comments

Memorial Day

 

As you know, I would normally have a Top Ten list which contains tongue in cheek advice on how to behave under certain circumstances.

Today I only have one thing on the list that I could repeat ten times (but I won’t).

On Memorial Day, do not go through the day without remembering those who gave their lives so that we can continue to celebrate such a beautiful remembrance.

Here is wishing you a peaceful holiday.