Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Property Tax Protest Meeting

~ John W. Howell ~ 35 Comments

 

Property taxes

In Texas, it is that time of the year when all property owners have the constitutional right to contest the property tax assessment delivered by the county. The inspiration for this list was listening to the stories told by my dear wife after her return from her meeting with the tax assessor.  Yes, you read it right. She is the one who does all the research and then the one to confront the tax people. (I fear for their lives)  I hope you enjoy the list. (Oh, by the way, our assessment was reduced.)

10  If you are protesting your property taxes, do not think the personnel will not remember you from last year. If you do, at best they will keep you sitting in the waiting room as long as possible. At worst, they will have held a special boost morale meeting and take up the mantle of a football team taking the field. (You thought that different hair and fake mustache was going to help didn’t you?)

9 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not make jokes about the staff having to work on Saturday. If you do, at best you’ll get polite smiles and no action. At worst, your case worker will find an overlooked loophole and assess your property even higher. (That one joke about government drones finally having to work was the nail hey, Ferd?)

8 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not try to blame your case worker for the high assessment. If you do, at best they will become very defensive and no help. At worst, they will call in the county lawyer and threaten you with a defamation of character lawsuit. (You now see why the lawyer is standing by don’t you Bunkie?)

7 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not show up in your grubbiest clothes trying to look poor. If you do, at best the case worker knows the value of your home and think you a fool. At worst, the guard will stop your entrance into the building thinking you are homeless with no need for a property tax protest meeting. (With only one chance to protest you better hope you have time to run home and change.)

6 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not try to use last year’s photos of your home’s deplorable condition at this year’s meeting. If you do, at best the case worker will excuse you memory lapse since the file contains five years of documentation. At worst, the case worker will put you at a disadvantage by using phrases like “tax fraud,”deception,” and “felony.” (Makes you want to pretend to have a stroke doesn’t it?)

5 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not be outraged when the case worker says, “You should be grateful to pay taxes on such a lovely looking house.” If you do, at best you can kiss any further consideration goodbye. At worst, you’ll hurt some feelings that won’t ever heal. (Remember you’ll need to come back next year and a case worker never forgets)

4 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not think the case worker will be more impressed and influenced by more pages of documentation rather than less. If you do, at best you will have your case worker nodding off. At worst, you case worker will take offense thinking they are incapable of making a decision absent a hundred pages of facts. (This taking of offense will not serve you well in the future.)

3 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not ask to use the caseworkers’ calculator. If you do, at best it might be interpreted that you don’t trust either the calculator or the case worker or both. At worst, the case worker is a germaphobe and will break out in hives just at the thought of you using the calculator. (Now you need a new case worker and all are busy aren’t they Rube)

2 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not raise your voice. If you do, at best your case worker will ask to be replaced by another. At worst, that scared wide-eyed look on the face of the case worker will immediately precede the arrival of the sheriff’s officers. (In addition to hight taxes you now have a court date for assault, Tiger)

1 If you are protesting your property taxes, do not let a spouse say anything to try to help. If you do, at best the spouse will say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and everyone will get confused. At worst, the spouse will add an unnecessary comment that will convince the case worker that your taxes ought to be higher for the next three years. (Gee all that was said is “Who do you think pays your salary?”

Ten Things Not to Say to a Cocktail Party Guest

~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

 

Cocktail PartyThe inspiration for this list came after attending some parties recently.  Although I’m not a psychologist I can only surmise the individuals I happened to run into were behaving in an abnormal manner. In searching for truth, I Googled social disorders and came upon “Cocktail Party Guest” and the explanation became clear. I hope you enjoy the list. If you are at times, a cocktail party guest know this list is with love.

10 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not say.”How are you?” If you do at best, you will only have to stand for ten or so minutes for the rundown. At worst, you will be forced to take the person home with you since you now are forced into the position of Good Samaritan. (You had hoped they would say, “Fine,” like everyone else didn’t you?)

9 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not admit you are a writer. If you do, at best the person will tell you some stories they are going to write. At worst, you will be forced into a corner and have to admit the person reminds you of Ernest Hemingway. (Of course, maybe one of those stories will be your next novel)

8 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not mention your last vacation. If you do, At best you will have to attempt to get away after the second holiday story. At worst, you will watch your ice melt as you go on a verbal tour of all the continents. (Don’t you wish a trap door would open and drop you ten stories to the furnace room.)

7 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not ask what they do. If you do, at best they will try to convince you they own the city. At worst, they will be in the selling profession and won’t let you go until you sign up for a cleaning product pyramid scheme. (Wasn’t this the project that you read about where all the officers of the company went to jail?)

6 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not ask where they live. If you do, at best they will assume you are trying to type their social/economic status. At worst, the person will believe that you are a cat burglar and have designs on their jewels and money. (In each, case you didn’t get an answer and the latter begs the question,  did you enjoy the police escort home?)

5 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not be the first to mention your kids. If you do, at best, the person has you outnumbered by a factor of two children. At worst, the person you are talking to has just returned from Washington where they witnessed the President giving their child the Student of the Year award. (Man, it could not get any more humiliating than that huh, Bunky?)

4 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not raise a political point. If you do, at best the person is a political science professor at the college, and you are in for a pretty long evening. At worst, the person is a member of a splinter group who have as a mission the destruction of the two-party system. (How do you feel going home with your very own AK 47 gift)

3 If you happen to talk to a cocktail guest, do not admit you know nothing about Doctor No or Marvel Comic characters. If you do, at best you will need to find someone else with which to talk. At worst, the person will take the next three hours providing the background and an in-depth synopsis of every episode or character. (Remember to relax your knees now and then, so you don’t pass out.)

2 If you happen to talk to a cocktail party guest, do not make a negative comment about the party. If you do, at best the person will disagree and then tell the host. At worst, you will make your unfortunate comments to the unknown spouse of the host who just happens to play golf once a week with your boss. (That meeting with the boss on Monday might be a little tense hey Bud?)

1 If you happen to talk to a cocktail guest, do not keep calling them by the wrong name. If you do, at best the fourth correction will verify you are an idiot. At worst, unbeknownst to you, this person has been hired by the company you work for to come in and weed out the deadwood. (You may not be too old to find another job. Yeah Right?)

Ten Things Not to Do if Your House is For Sale

~ John W. Howell ~ 44 Comments

House4Sale_displayThe inspiration for this list came to me while I was witnessing a couple of houses for sale. I figured that among other things these items would be pretty obvious. I have to believe they were just not top of mind when the listing broker showed up to sign the listing. Of course, no listing broker worth their salt would point out particular areas needing improvement until the agreement is signed. After the ink is dry, it is hoped some discussion would take place.

Top Ten Things Not to do if Your House is For Sale

10 If your house is for sale, do not decide to make your regular batch of sour kraut during the broker open house. If you do, at best those attending are all sour kraut lovers. At worst, small notes will be made on the file to the effect that a complete cleaning will be needed to get rid of the dead animal smell. (Where did someone get the idea sour kraut smelled like a dead animal?)

9 If your house is for sale, do not assume everyone will overlook all the repairs that have been put off. At best, you might be able to save the deal by reducing the price to offset what is needs fixing. At worst, you will be the proud owner of this house until it falls. (Or until you get off your butt and get the repairs done.)

8 If your house is for sale, do not think the words, “Don’t mind the mess,” will cause the potential buyers to follow your advice. If you do, at best the potential buyers will politely spend a few moments and then disappear. At worst, the potential buyers will factor in the mess in their offer price. (How do you feel about paying the buyers $1000.00 per messy room in a reduced offer.)

7 If your house is for sale, do not think you can shove all your junk into the garage. If you do, at best your potential buyers will be the same kind of folks who don’t use their garage for cars. At worst, your potential buyers will assume all your junk will remain with the house and will make for the nearest exit. (Gee, you told them you would have all that stuff moved right?)

6 If your house is for sale, do not hang around while potential buyers are visiting. If you do, at best the potential buyers will think you don’t trust them. At worst, the potential buyers will believe that you have some creepy alternative motive for spying on them. (The creepiness of the motive will escalate the more they see you.)

5 If your house is for sale, do not think your prize massive collection of garden gnomes has the same appeal to potential buyers. If you do, at best your potential buyers will wonder what other collections you have that will have to be shipped. At worst, your potential buyers will think your house is cursed by the garden people and will make tracks out of there. (Some of those ceramic folk look like they might be dangerous after dark)

4 If your house is for sale, do not leave your pet Parrott behind for the showing. If you do, at best the potential buyers will learn a couple of new words that Polly has heard from you. At worst, the potential buyers are both grossly allergic to exotic bird droppings due to many years serving in the Peace Corps in the jungle. (Your first inkling of a problem is the flashing EMT lights and police cars in front of your house all being interviewed by the Nightly News.)

3 If your house is for sale, do not go ahead with the plans for that four-week vacation. If you do, at best you will need to come home early to sign papers. At worst, you will come back after the vacation to find every light on, running water, and wide open doors due to some showings. (You hope you will be able to get rid of that swarm of mosquitoes which look like they are carrying malaria.)

2 If your house is for sale, do not forget to have your pest and house inspection. If you do forget, at best the potential buyers will have it done, and the finding repairs will be up to you. At worst, the potential buyers will employ “Midnight House Inspection and Pest Control,” whose fee depends on the amount of problems they can find. (You never knew you had a black widow spider infestation did you Bunkey?)

1 If your house is for sale, do not try to do it yourself. If you do, at best you will avoid obvious pitfalls of “for sale by owner.” At worst, you will find yourself in litigation over unforeseen issues which will be resolved by price reductions. (Makes the 7% commission look cheap now, doesn’t it?)

Ten Things Not to Do When You Have House Guests

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Annoying guests

The inspiration for this list happens every year here at the coast. We naturally get a number of visitors that one would not normally get in the city, and we learned there are a few things not to do while they are in the house.  Hope you like it (BTW this list is entirely fictional and does not reflect any particular action by any individual visitor).

Ten Things Not to Do When You Have House Guests

10 If you have house guests, do not ask if they have special dietary requirements. If you do, at best you will demonstrate how truly mannerly you are, and the answer will be, “No.” At worst, you will be given a list that includes, vegan, lactose intolerant, and gluten-free. (You realize the only thing you can serve is tea)

9 If you have house guests, do not ask if they have a preference for the kind of water to drink. If you do, at best you will get a request for a brand not available to you. At worst, the brand ordered will cost more that a fifth of vodka in a bottle half the size. ( Given the amount consumed you are also wondering if they are using it for bath water as well.)

8 If you have house guests, do not forget to tell them where to put their wet towels. If you forget, at best they will throw them on impervious surfaces. At worst, you will find them hanging from some of your newest fabric furniture. (The stain looks remarkably like Mother Teresa doesn’t it?)

7 If you have house guests, do not ask if they have laundry to do. If you do, at best the machine will be running in shifts all day. At worst, you will be seen as a member of the staff and expected to do the laundry. (Well you offered right?)

6 If you have house guests, do not answer the question, “What can we do now?” If you do, at best whatever you suggest will be rejected. At worst, after the first activity, you will be the designated events chairperson for the rest of the visit. (You forgot to issue wristbands, and now one person is lost.)

5 If you have house guests, do not put out more than one roll of toilet paper at a time. If you do, at best the paper will disappear with no explanation. At worst, your plumber will eventually get the pipes cleared after removing several toys and rolls of paper.(The parents should have warned you that their kids do this in all the hotels.)

4 If you have house guests, do not lug numerous sand toys to the beach. If you do, at best the kids will play with one for a minute. At worst, there will be too many toy choices, and you will be the cause of several kid meltdowns while they try to decide which one. (Now you know to have them pick one at the house right?)

3 If you have house guests, do not make chocolate available as a  treat choice. If you do, at best your towels will have permanent handprints. At worst, once your guests leave, you will come to the realization that you will need to convert your decor to jungle to take advantage of the Zebra like marks all over the place. (Well, you’ve been meaning to make a change right?)

2 If you have house guests, do not serve anything that melts. If you do , at best you will find little puddles of melted food everywhere. At worst, when you least expect it you will come across a sticky melted spot for years to come. (How that spot got on your pillow is still a mystery. Getting the pillow off your hair is still a painful memory moment isn’t it?)

1 If you have house guests, do not tell them they are welcome back anytime. If you do, at best the good ones will be back next year. At worst, the bad ones will be back next week. (Now you know you could have said nothing right?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Moving

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

 

 

The inspiration for this list is our youngest is moving from an efficiency apartment to a one bedroom. Although her move gave me the idea I’m happy to say she is not guilty of any of the items on this list.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Moving

10 If you are moving, do not wait until the movers show up to begin thinking of what you want to pack. If you do, at best you will have a lot of hourly overtime to pay. At worst, your crew is likely to leave to move someone else and suggest you get organized in the meantime. (A little embarrassing to be left alone in the middle of a mess isn’t it?)

9 If you are moving, do not pack your crystal pieces with your hand weights. At best, you might get some chips. At worst, you will arrive at the new place with a box of crystal snow.  (You were going to take the weights out but forgot huh Bunky?)

8 If you are moving, do not forget to put your frozen food in a safe but frigid place. If you do forget, at best you will have a bunch of thawed food on arrival. At worst, the thawing food will be in a place to drip through at least six boxes of your clothes. (Those white things look beautiful with that pot roast branding.)

7 If you are moving, do not be tempted to throw out your old pots and pans just cause you are tired of them. If you are, at best you will need to replace everything before you can eat at home again. At worst, you didn’t realize the cookware was a precious gift from your parents, and now they are going through the dumpster. (How were you to know that was their first set?)

6 If you are moving, do not try to save and pack that delicious casserole you had last night. If you do, at best it will be spoiled during the trip, and you’ll know it. At worst, you will ignore the signs of spoilage and dig in. (Those sirens you now hear is EMS. Gotta hope they get there in time)

5 If you are moving, do not think you and your friends have to consume all the liquor the night before the move. If you do, at best your headache, chills, and nausea will be gone around 3:00 pm. At worst, you will not only be sick but will have to deal with five or six comatose friends. (Pretty hard to carry that dresser over all those bodies isn’t it Buster?)

4 If you are moving, do not tell the movers to put stuff “anywhere.” If you do, at best you will have a living room that looks like a bedroom. At worst, you will have one room filled with furniture.(It’s the first room you enter right?)

3 If you are moving, do not think your boxes don’t need marking because you remember what’s in each one. If you do, at best you will be opening boxes and searching for things for a week. At worst, you will finally give up and stack all the boxes in such a way as to imitate the world’s worst hoarder. (Pretty tough for the sunlight to get in through all those boxes. You say you feel like a rat in a maze?)

2 If you are moving, do not forget to fill out the forwarding cards for your new address. If you forget, at best you will wonder where your mail went after three months. At worst, you will begin to wonder about all those phone calls regarding your lights, water, cable, and telephone. (That is until they all go dark. Now a rat in a dark and lonely maze.)

1 If you are moving, do not have friends help. If you do, at best there will be only a few dented, scratched, and broken items. At worst you realize no one knows how to dismantle your bed and couch and you are forced to leave them behind. (How in the hell did those items get into the apartment in the first place?)

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Plan to Attend a MLB Game

~ John W. Howell ~ 38 Comments

Major League BaseballThis list has as inspiration the fact that the Major League Baseball season is underway, and there are things you need to know if you plan to attend a game.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Plan to Attend an MLB Game.

10 If you plan to attend a game, do not call in sick to work. If you do, at best no one will see you that day. At worst, you will be highlighted as the 100th attendee including an interview playing of the 6:00 and 10:00 news. (You hope that fake nose, moustache, and glasses get up will keep your boss in the dark.)

9 If you plan to attend a game, do not bring your favorite glove in hopes of catching a home run. If you do, at best those around you will assume you have some kind of mental illness that focuses on balls. At worst, you will actually have the opportunity to catch a home run ball only to drop it in front of thousands of fans on the jumbotron and those watching the game on TV. (Can you say, “Clumsy idiot,” Bucky?”

8 If you plan to attend a game, do not drive your car to the ballpark. If you do, at best you pay more for parking than the ticket. At worst, you’ll have trouble finding a place to park and take up the offer by the guy in sunglasses and knit cap to watch your car for five dollars. (The tow truck didn’t do too much damage, and you understand a new bumper will cost under a thousand.)

7 If you plan to attend a game and are taking a date, do not try to avoid the kiss cam by talking on your phone. If you do, at best this will be the last time with this person. At worst, the commentary from the TV coverage will ensure you may never get a date again. (Sure you are the Wolf of Wall Street, Ace and now may be a lone wolf).

6 If you plan to attend a game and want to sit close to the players, do not yell insults that the players can hear. If you do, at best you’ll get some fierce looks. At worst, you might have to think fast to avoid that Louisville slugger that is heading your way. (Man! Those bats are hard aren’t they Buster?)

5 If you plan to go to the game, do not try to best your old beer per hour record. If you do, at best you will fall short and be glad later. At worst, you will soundly beat your old record which you will celebrate by calling trains (Pittsburgh, Pokipsie, and Albuquerque) in the ceramic microphone. (Those cheese nachos looked better an hour ago didn’t they? Ferd.)

4 If you plan to go to the game, do not think it will be a cheap day. If you do, at best you will have sticker shock at the end of the day. At worst, you will overspend to the point that you realize you could have had a trip to a lovely resort. (Who was to know those peanuts prices were by the piece rather than the bag.)

3 If you plan to go to the game, do not sit in a part of the stadium where the away team fans sit and root for your team. If you do, at best everyone will take your loyalties good-naturedly.  At worst, you may find that the guy everyone calls Brutus has finally had it with your cheers and decides to give you a closeup view of a knuckle sandwich. (The view was brief before the lights went out wasn’t it?)

2 If you plan to go to the game, do not keep up a running chatter about the team and individual statistics. If you do, at best you have everyone wanting to move away. At worst, while you impress yourself you are not paying attention to that large man with cauliflower ears who is pushing people out of his way and heading in your direction. (Seems odd that he can pick you up by the neck doesn’t it?)

1 If you plan to attend a game, do not make the assumption that the umpire is not qualified and has been on the waiting list for a Lasic procedure. If you do, at best your accusations of sight and skill problems will fall on deaf ears. At worst, security will help you to a position in the park where no one can hear you. (If you need help you are now in a place where no one can hear you scream. Heh heh heh.)

Top Ten Things Not to do in the Wind

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

 

Last weekend we had winds more than eighty miles an hour. Although not a hurricane these are the kinds of winds  can cause damage. We did have a piece of siding come off, but little damage otherwise. You can see the strip missing in the photo.

This list was inspired by the idea of trying to function while the wind is blowing. I didn’t try any of these things but want to make sure all have been warned. (Of course, not too many of you are faced with winds at the eighty-mile an hour level.)

10 If you are caught in high winds, do not try to put up a tent. If you do, at best you’ll end up with a pile of waving canvas. At worst, you and the tent might get caught in the wind and break the individual altitude record for unmotorized flight.( you forgot an oxygen mask didn’t you Wheezer)

9 If you are caught in high winds, do not count on that hair glue to keep the toupee in place. If you do, at best you’ll need to be fast to catch it. At worst, your neighbor will witness the top of your head flying off and will end up in the ER with heart problems. (Guess who has no insurance? Yup it’s the neighbor)

8 If you are caught in high winds, do not decide a kiteboard session would be fun. If you do, at best you may find yourself being carried out to sea. At worst, you may find yourself carried inland through endless acres of cactus and palm trees. (I think you might need more than iodine for those wounds Bunkie.)

7 If you are caught in high winds, do not think it is a good idea to cook out. If you do, at best you may not be able to light the fire. At worst, you will get the fire lit as well as the south side of town. (Your insurance policy does not cover stupid)

6 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue with the volleyball game even though the score is tied. If you do, at best that hard spike will come right back to hit you. At worst, your lightest player may have difficulty staying grounded. (Man did you see how they flew after that saving dive for the ball.)

5 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue your sailing excursion. If you do, at best you’ll be able to ride out the storm by hauling down the sheets and setting a storm anchor) At worst you’ll be doing fifty knots just before the mast finally gives way.(Lucky for you this thing is made of wood. Sure is wet though isn’t it?)

4 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue your golf game. If you do, at best you’ll lose a number of balls that become airborne. At worst, you and your golf cart will by some miracle manage to land after a harrowing flight over the 15th green. (Amazing how things without wings can take off. Right Bubba?)

3 If you are caught in high winds, do not forget the old adage about spitting into the wind. If you do, at best you’ll end up embarrassed and wet. At worst, just when you thought it safe you’ll let go and unfortunately, hit some guy named Dick the Bruiser  who is standing downwind. (Wasn’t he the wrestler on TV?)

2 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue your high ladder painting project. If you do, at best your paint droplets will cover a half-mile square area. At worst, you and your paint Could be the subject of the nightly news under the headline, “A New Art Form Has Been Developed called Body Drop with Paint” (You are wondering which hit first the body or the paint)

1 If you are caught in high winds, do not continue to ride your hoverboard, bike, or Segway in an attempt to get to safety. If you do, at best you finally give up. At worst, you will be pulled over by the state police exceeding the speed limit on the freeway. (“All I could do was hang on officer,” is your excuse.)

Top Ten Things Not to do in a Museum

~ John W. Howell ~ 70 Comments

If you are like me, you don’t often go to the museum but when visiting you like to have as little to do with other people as possible. The inspiration for this list is the sometimes annoying behavior of other visitors on these rare visit occasions. I live on an island and have visited the local museum many times, so my other visits to museums involve travel and time. The trouble to get to a museum is why I’m especially annoyed when others seem to believe space is theirs to do as they please.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Museum

10 If you are visiting a museum in the kids section, do not hog the action and allow your children an opportunity to play with the interactive displays too. If you do, at best you will upset your kids. At worst, you will give new meaning to the term bully. (Sure the electricity display is fun but come on Rufus, give the kids a break)

9 If you are visiting a museum, do not continue walking around in your squeaky shoes. If you do, at best you will annoy everyone you pass. At worst, your squeaks will spark an instinctive urge to kill in Brutus the WWF ex-world champ who just got released from a treatment facility. (Yes, his eyes are glowing red, and he’s coming your way)

8 If you are in an Art museum, do not vocalize your profound understanding of the artist’s motivation in any work loudly and especially the piece titled “My Poop.” If you do, at best those around you will have validation you don’t know anything about art. At worst, you may have to put up for the rest of your stay with a similarly minded art aficionado who hasn’t had a bath in months. (Is this person suggesting you go to dinner?)

7 If you are in a museum, so not touch a painting. If you do, at best a kindly octogenarian guard will ask you to step away. At worst, you will have to be quick to avoid the falling gate and the tear gas before you are tackled by a SWAT Team member. (Now you know the sign “Do Not Touch The Art,” is not kidding. Don’t worry you’ll make bail.)

6 If you are in a museum, do not take pictures. If you do, at best you will be asked to stop. At worst, your camera will be confiscated, and you will be charged a royalty for each picture taken. (Of course, you could always let them keep your camera or phone)

5 If you are in a museum, do not talk back in a loud voice to the recorded tour that you hear in your headphones. If you do, at best all you’ll get are strange looks. At worst, some well-meaning person will place a call to EMS since they are convinced you are in an overdose situation. (The tip-off for them was when you were arguing with the recording about the meaning of a black hole.)

4 If you are in a museum, do not try to help the staff by removing a dinosaur tibia bone because you thought it was going to fall. If you do, at best the bone was going to fall. At worst, the bone was the cornerstone of the entire dinosaur skeleton and although it looked like it would fall was positioned that way because it supported the whole ten thousand bone construction.(It only took museum employees four years to construct what took four seconds for you to make a pile. Sneaking out before discovery might be a life-saving measure)

3 If you visit a primarily adult display museum, do not take kids under three years old. If you do, at best you will be worn out trying to keep them quiet. At worst, the rest of the people in the museum will be spent wishing you could keep them quiet. (Better a trip to the park next time)

2 If you visit an art museum, do not discuss out loud your art at home as it compares to the masters. If you do, at best others will think you a braggart. At worst, you might be overheard by an enterprising but out of work youth who will surprise you in the middle of the night while helping himself to your paintings. (Now don’t you feel foolish discussing those Wal-Mart knock-offs?)

1 If you visit an art museum, do not make comments about the nude statues in your outside voice. If you do, at best it is possible that some may be offended by your observations. At worst, you may be unknowingly violating some local indecency ordinance, especially when referring to particular body parts. (Most everyone will admit after you were taken away the way you wove David into your locker room joke was pretty funny)

Top Ten Things Not to do on Spring Break

~ John W. Howell ~ 33 Comments

spring-break-3

 

This list is inspired by watching almost every weird occurrence that can transpire in a two-week spring break period.  I did a previous post on the subject but decided to take it from the sane adult perspective. After all for every drunken idiot spring breaker antic, there is an equally sober witness to that action. (It’s called the law of disgust) This list is for those innocent souls who happen to be living in a place that is a destination for spring breakers.

Ten Things Not to Do During Spring Break

10 If you live in a spring break area, do not react to a group of spring breakers in a pick-up who ask you to pull up your shirt. If you do, at best you might get a string of beads. At worst, you may cause the group irreparable psychological harm. (They were talking to the young woman behind you. Not you old man.)

9 If you live in a spring break area, do not try to cross the street. If you do, at best you will become a laughable imitation of the game Frogger. At worst, you may end up on the hood of a pick-up and realize the driver is too drunk to see that far. (You won’t mind riding there for the next ten miles right?)

8  If you live in a spring break area, do not think you will be able to drive downtown to the store. If you do, at best what was a five-minute round trip will be a three-hour tour. At worst, you will never get to the store and will, in fact, be carried by the traffic to the next county. (The city tried to warn you about traffic flow)

7 If you live in a spring break area, do not think you can go to the beach. If you do, at best you will not find a place. At worst, you will be caught up in a game of beer pong and never make it home. (So it was the only way you could find a place you say?)

6 If you live in a spring break area, do not take any insults personally. If you do, at best you will be the source of much laughter. At worst, you will need transport to the ER for heart attack symptoms. (Guess which EMS vehicle can’t get through the crowds?)

5 If you live in a spring break area, do not worry about the ten tons of trash laying on the beach. If you do, at best you will want to do something to the next person you see toss a beer can. At worst, the next person you see toss a bear can is nicknamed “killer.” (This will not turn out well will it?)

4 If you live in a spring break area, do not try to help a person who appears lost and disoriented. If you do, at best they will not understand you. At worst, you could be the recipient of a barf shower. (Of course, you wanted to help. You can’t help stupid)

3 If you live in a spring break area, do not try to do anything about all the noise coming from your neighbor’s house. If you do, at best your neighbor will tell you where to go. At worst, the noise will increase since your neighbor is someone who doesn’t like being told what to do.(He is especially stubborn after twelve beers. Just ask his wife.)

2 If you live in a spring break area, do not use any sharp knives or dangerous tools for the duration. If you do, at best you won’t need emergency attention. At worst, you will need to know first aid since it will be about two days until someone can come help you. (The police and medical teams are dealing with big problems like passed out underage drinkers.)

1 If you live in a spring break area, do not leave your doors unlocked. If you do, at best you may wake up with unknown guests on your couch. At worst, all your furniture could be on the front lawn. (Just because a bunch of kids thought it would be funny)

Top Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff

~ John W. Howell ~ 58 Comments

milionaire

 

This list was inspired by taking a moment to walk in the shoes of the one thousand or so Billionaires in this world. I wanted to imagine how hard it would be to stay on the good side of the household staff dedicated to serving the billionaire day in and day out.  So come with me on this fictional walk among the privileged.

Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff

10 Do not ask your chauffeur to wash the car. If you do, at best you’ll get a look that can’t be explained. At worst, you will be treated to a ride through the car wash while you are supposed to be headed for the airport. (Your chauffeur never left the front seat either)

9 Do not ask your butler to empty a wastebasket. If you do, at best the basket will be there untouched. At worst, you will find the basket contents under your clothes that have been laid out for the day. (That lint is a killer isn’t it?)

8 Do not ask the chambermaid to get a cup of coffee. If you do, at best you will have a very grumpy butler on your hands. At worst the chambermaid may bring you a cup of coffee that is only 99% spit-free. (One would hope you knew the duty roster better )

7 Do not ask the cabana person to pick some leaves out of the spa. If you do, at best he will report you to the pool man. At worst, he will pick the leaves out, and the pool man will threaten him to the point where he is forced to leave. (This was the best cabana person of the last five who quit after picking out some leaves)

6 Do not ask the yard man to sweep the garage. If you do, at best the yard man will tell the garage man that the garage needs cleaning. At worst, the yard man will sweep out the garage along with the ten irreplaceable bolts required to hold your Rolls Royce transmission in place. (Don’t worry the replacement bolts can be sent from the UK at the cost of $1000.00 each.)

5 Do not ask the chef to run out and pick up a few things at the store. If you do, at best they will get someone else to do it. At worst, you will still be perplexed why tonight’s dinner is Kraft Macaroni and cheese. (There is nothing wrong with a sample of proletariat cuisine even though your guest is the German ambassador.Right?)

4 Do not tell the House administrator that you think there is too much spending on household items. If you do, at best the spending will increase. At worst, you will need to get used to lower winter and higher summer temperatures in the house as well as hot dogs twice a week. (How do you feel about a foot high lawn)

3 Do not mention to your pilot that you thought the last landing was a bit rough. If you do, at best she will try a softer one next time. At worst you might be treated to what’s called a touch and go landing with several touches. (You never knew this plane could bounce that high did you?)

2 Do not tell your yacht captain how to get from here to there. If you do, at best he will avoid heavy seas even though they are on your route. At worst, you will spend several agonizing hours wondering if you will survive the storm that was right in the way. (You never knew how much the body could send back till now did you?)

1 Do not tell your personal trainer how to train you. If you do, at best your workout will be something short of worthless. At worst, you will be hurting in all the wrong places at all the wrong times. (Pretty tough picking up that pen heh?)