Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to do on July Fourth

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments
American flag flying in the wind
American flag flying in the wind

Since this weekend is the Fourth of July holiday, I hunted my archives to find last year’s list so I could just duplicate it and call it a day. I found out very quickly that I didn’t do a fourth of July top ten list last year or the year before or ever. So as if to imitate the old saying “work is the curse of the drinking class” I had to get on the keyboard and create something. I hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do on July Fourth

10 On July, Fourth do not keep saying Happy Birthday America since everyone knows that. If you do, at best you will get repeated eye rolls (suspect you wouldn’t care). At worst, you will notice yourself alone much of the day.

9 On July, Fourth do not bake a cake and put candles on top. If you do, at best no one will be able to blow them out. (There are supposed to be 239 of them not including the one to grow on) At worst, you will find someone to blow them out along with the side wall of your dining room.

8 On July Fourth do not think beer was made to be rendered extinct. If you do, at best your body will give you some dramatic warning signs that it is time to go home. At worst you will ignore those signs and have some lovely “did I really say that?” moments the next day.

7 On July Fourth do not think you can avoid the kiddie tricycle parade (especially if your next door neighbor is the organizer). If you do, at best your kids will think you should be turned into the government as an anarchist (they won’t know what that means) At worst, the Homeland Security Agent will find the story very amusing while he fills out your extradition papers to Guantanamo.

6 On July, Fourth do not put red, white and blue food dye in anything. (Although it might be tempting) If you do, at best your party goers will look like the before photo of the Orthodontist. At worst someone will laugh out loud at a joke just after a full gulp of your doctored brew in front of your new white silk couch. (You can imagine how the red, white and blue through the nose pattern spray effect do not go with the glove gray chair and ottoman.

5 On July, Fourth do not invite your boss to your house for a cookout. If you do, at best no matter what you cook they will be allergic to it. At worst the allergy is one of those things that can only be stopped with an emergency ball point pen to the trachea. (Your boss will not take kindly to the blue ink throat tattoo even though it was a lifesaver).

4 On July, Fourth do not be the one to authorize fireworks in front of your house. If you do, at best the rest of the neighborhood will disappear when the police arrive. (Leaving you to explain the smoldering remains of what looks like World War III) At worst, the direction of the fireworks will have a trajectory such that ground zero for landing will be your roof. (Where much excitement and the fire department will be concentrated).

3 On July, Fourth do not volunteer to host the block party this year. If you do at best, you will hope the home makeover will be cheaper this year. At worst, you will be denied a Federal designation of a disaster area and not be eligible for relief funds.

2 On July, Fourth do not allow the grill master to be in charge no matter how many feelings get hurt. If you do, at best the char on everything can be removed with little effect. At worst, you will be calling for pizza delivery right after the call to the fire department.

1 On July, Fourth do not think that a couple of more drinks will not do you any harm. If you do, at best just the fact that you have rationalized a couple more will haunt you tomorrow. At worst, you will wake up tomorrow making the same promise not to do that ever again and asking someone to shoot you. (They won’t of course)

Top Ten Things Not to do In Preparation for a Tropical Storm Named Bill.

~ John W. Howell ~ 35 Comments

This list is inspired by watching as the community prepares for the landfall of Tropical Storm Bill. Not all of the list were seen on this one storm but have been gathered from a number of sights on similar occasions.

a tropical storm Bill

Top Ten Things Not to do In Preparation for a Tropical Storm Named Bill.

10 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not rush to the store to buy week’s worth of paper goods. If you do, at best you might have a slight overstock situation. At worst, your overstock situation could be interpreted as a hoarding disorder which will require family and friend intervention. (Also, if the storm is severe enough you’ll have a lot of soaked paper goods on hand)

9 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not throw a tropical storm party. If you do, at best you will need to house all the party goers until the water recedes from your neighborhood. At worst, you and your guests might end up on your rooftop hoping the water gets no higher and rescue is imminent. (What you don’t know is the rescue crew has set low priority on large groups who obviously should know better and have been over served)

8 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not count on beer as having enough liquid potential as to replace water in your precious reserves. If you do, at best you might have a hard time staying hydrated and coherent at the same time. At worst, you may find yourself trading family heirlooms for a cold bottle of water.

7 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not count on items run by electricity for safety and comfort. If you do, at best you will only have a few hours of power outage. At worst, the power will be out for an unreasonable amount of time and so your battery driven items will go dark. (You may not miss Candy Crush but look out when it is time to call 911)

6 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not ignore the weather warnings. If you do, at best you may find it inconvenient when you can’t get around since you are not prepared. At worst, the sound of your roof going airborne will come as quite a shock along with the need to swim for your life.

5 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not drive through water that is over the road and you do not know how deep. If you do, at best you will make it across and only have wet feet. At worst, you and your car will give new meaning to the term “amphibian vehicle”. (Don’t forget cars do not float forever)

4 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not continue to play outside when it is lightning. If you do, at best your game will be played with a sense of worry. At worst, you and your fellow players will collect enough jolts to qualify as an independent power source for the local utility.(They will thank you at the memorial service)

3 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not think following instructions by city authorities is for sissies. If you do, at best, the storm will make landfall in someone else’s front yard. At worst, you will be battered a bruised and dependent on the care of those you thought so cowardly. (And they had to stay around to take care of you)

2 If you are faced with a tropical storm and are told to evacuate, do not try to leave with everything you ever owned. If you do, at best your possessions will take valuable space needed for water and food. At worst, you will not be able to keep all these things with you and will eventually have to off-load them at the side of the road. (If left in the house chances are they would be perfectly safe)

1 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not lose your calm. If you do, at best your example will cause others to be concerned. At worst, once everything is normal again your behavior will be one of the stand-out events of the whole experience. (And no one will leave it alone)

Top Ten Things Not to do at a Wedding

~ John W. Howell ~ 39 Comments

Since June is wedding month, I can’t let it pass without making some comments on what we should all avoid if we are in a wedding, invited to a wedding or are getting married. I hope you enjoy it.

a wedding images

Top Ten Things Not to do at a Wedding (no matter who you are)

10 If you are a wedding guest, do not be tempted to pick up and shake a few of the wedding presents to see if there are sets of china or appliances inside. If you do, at best those observing you will know you bought a cheap gift or none at all. At worst, you will be asked to step away from the gifts by a large man with the word SECURITY above his left pocket. He also happens to be the brother of one of the celebrants, and you are now busted since he assumes you are looking to pick out one to go.

9 If you are a parent of the celebrants, do not tell anyone how you feel about one not being good enough for your child. If you do, at best you will be confiding with someone who knows the other and has not met yours and can’t wait to report your indiscretion. At worst, you might be told to mind your own business and quite possibly followed by a knuckle sandwich (hold the mayo).

8 If you are a second in a wedding, do not think your job is to complain about every detail of the process and how much the whole thing cost you in air travel and clothes. If you do, at best people will assume the only reason you are in the wedding party is because you are family. (Weather you are or not) At worst, you will add a degree of declassee to the event and will not be forgotten when it comes time to remember the most idiotic attendees.

7 If you are the best person, do not think your toast needs to have several cringe moments including a detail description of the past fiancées. If you do, at best the wedding guests will think your humor is a little bizarre. At worst, it will be assumed you are drunk and out of control that should prompt an intervention placing you in the back of the Quiet Acres van on your way to rehab.

6 If you are the person of honor, do not think your toast has to include rapid hand fanning and a bunch of tears. If you do, at best the room will pray you faint quickly. At worst, you started without a tissue, and now the streaked mascara and runny nose have cleared out the tables within a ten-foot radius.

5 If you are officiating the wedding ceremony, do not think you can rely on the notes when it comes time to say the names of the celebrants. If you do, at best you will stumble on the names as you have lost your place in the written word and demonstrate how shallow you are. At worst, you will be using last week’s notes and continue to call the celebrants by names that you have an indication are not correct but hope were close to the real thing (hint they’re not)

4 If you are the caterer of a wedding, do not think you can cut corners the day of the event to increase the bottom line. If you do, at best you will be able to substitute for the few things you are short. At worst, you will have the luck to cater the wedding of a family of lawyers and will be fighting the lawsuit of breach of contract for the next ten years wishing all the time you had settled out of court.

3 If you are a musician at a wedding, do not think your usual twenty-minute set break each hour will be tolerated by the marriage guests. If you do, at best you will have several of them with you requesting songs no matter where you go. At worst, as the evening gets older, you will believe your life is in danger once the music stops. You will be reminded of a pack of wolves surrounding and closing in on the camper as the fire dies. You keep playing.

2 If you are the venue manager of a wedding, do not think there will be no problem asking everyone to leave at the appointed hour. If you do, at best your encounter with overserved wedding guests will be loud and unpleasant. At worst, you will be barricaded in your office praying the SWAT team arrives before the angry mob does what was subtly suggested when someone yelled “let’s string ’em up.”

1 If you are a server at a wedding, do not think you will get rich on the tips. If you do, at best you will realize that people attending a free event think everything’s free. At worst, the tips you counted on receiving you already spent and you will now need to work another job to offset the lost revenue. (Of course you could turn into a pickpocket. Naw that’s not right.)

Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time

~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

The inspiration for this list is the fact that it is graduation season. When you think of all the graduations that are being held in the US alone, you realize the potential exists that these ten things occur with similar results. I hope you enjoy the list and can manage to avoid them.

a graduation

 

Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time

10 If you are a graduate, do not put something dumb on your mortar. If you do, at best even if your family sees you they will not want to admit you belong to them. At worst the picture taken of your message will go viral and will show up every time someone searches your name on Google including prospective employers.

9 If you are a parent of a graduate, do not blow any type of horn when your child receives their diploma. If you do, at best you will cause your kid to want to find another home. At worst, that big over trained guy in front of you is fighting a hangover and will help you stow your horn where you will not want it stored.

8 If you are a speaker at a graduation, do not tell the graduates that the world is looking to them for salvation. If you do, at best your cliché will remind everyone just how out of it you are. At worst, your words will be quoted in some satirical publications who will point out just how many times graduating classes heard the same words throughout the millennium.

7 If your graduate has decided to skip the ceremony, do not fight the decision. If you do, at best your child will make attending the ceremony sound like parental abuse. At worst the child will attend with something dumb written on the mortar to the tune of “my parents made me do this,” and you can expect the message broadcasted worldwide.

6 If your family is experiencing a graduation, do not think this is indicates your job as a parent is complete. If you do, at best you will be surprised by requests for help as like commences. At worst, you will need counseling to overcome the feeling of failure as your child s to move into your spare room.

5 If you are the graduation ceremony organiser, do not think everything will run smoothly because of your careful planning. If you do at best, you will be unprepared when something goes wrong, and there is a long period where no one can hear the speaker. At worst, you will not know what to do with a thousand Champaign corks bouncing off the facility and school officials even though you banned the presence of alcohol at the ceremony.

4 If you are holding a graduation party, do not leave your house even though you trust your loving child to be trustworthy and in control. If you do, at best a few more guests who were not expected will attend with little consequence. At worst, the state police will looking for you to help fund the fire department, EMS and SWAT team expenses that were incurred to break up the party and put out the fire destroying yours and two neighbor houses

3 If you have a graduate, do not over do the gift. If you do, at best your child will expect a similar prize for other accomplishments. At worst, someday it will need to be replaced and the words about the child being on their own when you gave the gift are forgotten.

2 If you are attending a graduation ceremony, do not treat the event as if it is a football game. If you do, at best you will get strange looks when you enter the stand with the team colors and jersey. At worst, you will get a lot of people wanting to buy the bratwurst you are grilling at your tailgate gathering.

1 If you have a graduate, do not keep telling them how amazed you are that they made it through school. If you do, at best they will think you did not have faith in their abilities. At worst, you will give the child a complex that will be manifest in the longing for a career in fast food service as a grill person.

Top Ten Things Not to do if Your Inhibitions Have Been Set Free

~ John W. Howell ~ 38 Comments

The inspiration for this list is a lifetime of observation of the behavior of people who finally let down their defenses. The lowering of defenses may have been as a result of being over-served or just a decision of not wanting to hold back any longer.  Although becoming open and honest without pretense can be a right thing more often that not the consequences of id liberation make such a move the source of regret.  I hope you enjoy the list.

a uninhibited

Ten Things Not to Do if Your Inhibitions Have Been Set Free.

10 If you feel uninhibited, do not free your body from clothes to match your mind. If you do, at best you will be all alone in the woods. At worst, you will become aware of your condition as the mall cops wrestle you to the floor and try to hide your parts.

9 If you feel uninhibited, do not ignore the speed laws. If you do, at best you’ll get home in one piece. At worst, you will find it hard to explain to the justice system that you no longer think the laws of the land apply to you since you feel free. You will also risk having a mandatory psych evaluation before your trial.

8 If you feel inhibited do not walk out of a store with unpaid merchandise. If you do, at best you can explain you forgot to check out, and no harm done. At worst, you will be escorted to the rear of the store by a guy with SECURITY on his shirt past the fifth grade class of your kid’s school on their annual retail field trip.

7 If you feel uninhibited, do not overestimate the value of the truth. If you do, at best your truthful comments will be limited to the weather. At worst, your truth-telling on some subjects will lead you to being asked to leave the country for good by some somber looking people.

6 If you feel uninhibited, do not blow your horn to encourage the pack of Hells Angles to get out of your way. If you do at best, they might move over to let you pass. At worst, you will find yourself on the back of a Harley Softail hanging on to Moose for dear life with a next stop in Sturgis. Oh and your car is in several members saddlebags. They promise they will put it back together after the rally.

5 If you feel uninhibited, do not tell the checkout person about all the things you couldn’t find today. (Even if asked) If you do, at best you will realize no one cares about what you couldn’t find. At worst, the checkout person will call the manager with the words “whining customer on register four.” Those behind you will be calling for a horse and rope.

4 If you feel uninhibited, do not take the survey you are offered during your call to customer service of the electric company to report that your power has been off for four hours. If you do, at best you will not see your power for three days. At worst, your survey will be handed to the uncooperative employee and includes your home address, phone number and hours when your electricity usage is lowest. You will wonder what that black car is doing across the street every night. (Hint, leave town)

3 If you feel uninhibited do not answer the question “where would you like to go for dinner?” If you do, at best you will resent the fact you had to decide the rest of the night. At worst, you will go into a rant about why you always have to decide everything. You will ask “why just this once can’t you make a $#@*&% decision.” The result will be carry out and silence at dinner.

2 If you feel uninhibited and someone from management asks what you think should be done to improve the workplace, do not follow your instinct to tell everyone what you think. If you do, at best your coworkers will endeavor to move away from you. At worst, you will in the course of two minutes of meaningful suggestions render yourself a pariah and perfect candidate for that assignment in Iraq.

1 If you feel uninhibited, do not visit any store with merchandise priced any higher than a dollar. If you do, At best you will snap out of it in time. At worst, you will finally be stopped by the credit card security group who honestly believe your card has been stolen since you limit was reached in only two stops and one was a diamond store.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Bar

~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

 

This list was inspired by listening to stories related by our house guests who had made the bar scene during the Memorial Day Weekend. All of these are hearsay and not a matter of personal experiences. I hope you enjoy.

 

Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Bar

10 If you are visiting a bar, do not stand too close to someone expecting them to talk to you. If you do, at best they will move away. At worst, you might be surprised to find yourself an unwilling volunteer for a jujitsu demonstration with you as the victim.

9 If you are visiting a bar, do not order a flaming drink for any reason. If you do, at best you will confirm your narcissistic tendencies. At worst your concoction will catch the back bar on fire, and the four-alarm fire department cost will put your credit card into default.

8 If you are visiting a bar, do not join others in doing shots. If you do at best, you will fall unconscious. At worst, you will be on your feet but engaged in behavior that your will not recall at your trial.

7 If you are visiting a bar, do not get up on the karaoke stage for any reason. If you do, At best you will be coerced into singing a song that you have never heard of before. At worst, you will be idiot enough to tackle Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and to attempt to sing all the parts.

6 if you are visiting a bar, do not join a discussion about sports if you don’t know anything about sports. If you do, at best your companions will have proof that you are an idiot. At worst, Beefcake Muldoon the guy who’s facts you were challenging will finally have had enough and provide you with your solo flying lesson. (That landing will be pretty rough)

5 If you are visiting a bar, do not insist that the band play your song. If you do, at best the band will ignore you totally. At worst, the huge guy with the word SECURITY on his back will be helping you to the exit to the amusement of the patrons and joy of the band.

4 If you are visiting a bar, do not take drinks and not offer to buy a round. If you do, at best you will soon be drinking alone. At worst, your companions will shame you into buying a drink and suddenly being surprised that the round includes a drink for everyone in the bar as arranged by your former friends.

3 If you are visiting a bar, do not challenge the house champion to a game to impress others. If you do, at best you will be beaten so badly that all those who you wanted to impress think you are an idiot. At worst, you will get into several double or nothing bets that will end up with you no longer having a car.

2 If you are visiting a bar, do not send back a plate of food o matter how bad. If you do, at best those who you are with will wonder why you had the poor judgement to order food in a bar in the first place. At worst, you plate will return from the kitchen with some additional ingredients courtesy of the night cook and his dog.

1 If you are visiting a bar, do not accept the pickled egg eating challenge. If you do, at best you will be finished for the night. At worst, you will be feeling the physical effects of too many pickled eggs for the next week including sleeping alone in the yard.

Ten Things Not to do on Memorial Day Feat. Marie Ann Bailey

~ John W. Howell ~ 40 Comments

Last Year Marie Ann Bailey and I did a simu-publish of what not to do on Memorial Day. I was constructing a new one for this year, and it occurred to me that last years was pretty suitable. So here is last year’s and I must say the advice seems pretty relevant. Thanks, Marie for helping with this one.

a memorial day

Top Ten Things Not To Do On Memorial Day

10 On Memorial Day, do not accept an invitation to your boss’ house for a picnic even if you think it will be good for your career. If you do, at best, you might just have an awful time. At worst, you might be pressed into service as one of the wait staff.

9 On Memorial Day, do not accept an invitation to your friend’s parents’ house on the lake. If you do, at best, you might be subjected to uncomfortable questions about why you don’t eat potato salad sitting in the sun for an hour. At worst, you won’t notice the potato salad and end up riding to the ER in an expensive ambulance.

8 On Memorial Day, do not try for the record number of drinks in an hour set by the Legend last year before he died. If you do, at best, you will feel awful the next day. At worst, you just might meet up with the Legend to compare notes.

7 On Memorial Day, do not show the crowd how many hot dogs or anything else you can consume in less than sixty seconds. If you do you, at best, you may get off lucky with just one. At worst, you may eat enough hot dogs causing you to go into a Nitrite and manufactured meat coma that takes days to wear off.

6 On Memorial Day, do not try to better any story being told by someone who has served in the military. If you do, at best, you might be telling the truth, but will look like a braggart. At worst, you might get in so deep that you will need to join up just to make the stories come true.

5 On Memorial Day, try to resist the beer bong challenge. If you don’t, at best, you will need to find a ride home. At worst, you will have lost all power to reason and the ability to talk which will make great discussion topics for the next day, not to mention the cell phone pictures on Instagram.

4 On Memorial Day, do not offer to light the fireworks display. If you do, at best, you will be contributing to an illegal act in most places. At worst, you may just set off the whole pile and be faced with trying to explain to Homeland Security exactly what your intentions were, hoping you can talk them out of a planned waterboard session.

3 On Memorial Day, do not decide to join in the volleyball game if you don’t know how to play. If you do, at best, you will slowly learn how to play and eventually stop making points for the other team. At worst, your team mates will decide you need elimination and will hire someone to take you for a long ride out-of-town.

2 On Memorial Day, do not wear any bathing attire that doesn’t fit or has a competitive racing design. If you do, at best, the rest of the party will try to ignore the sight. At worst, your picture and all the stuff that doesn’t fit in the suit will make the internet rounds on sites titled: “What not to wear in the pool this summer.”

1 On Memorial Day, do not think you need to entertain all your friends with stories of horrific behavior on Memorial Days past. If you do, at best, everyone will eventually walk away as they lose interest, and you’ll have a Golden Retriever as your audience. At worst, someone remembers your antics and is able to top your story with an even more embarrassing tale about you which you may or may not remember

 

Top Ten Things Not to do When It’s Your Birthday

~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

The inspiration for this is the fact that all of us have a day of birth even those of you from another planet. So I thought we could all use a little advice on that particular day.

a bday-cake1

Ten Things Not to do When It’s Your Birthday

10 When it’s your birthday, do not tell anyone what you want for a present. If you do, at best you won’t get what you asked. At worst, you will get all kinds of things that are sort of like what you wanted but not quite.

9 When it’s your birthday, do not tell anyone you are feeling older. If you do, at best a well-meaning someone will plop a post on Facebook asking everyone to cheer you up. At worst, you will get all those people who are older than you telling you things like “you only live once, enjoy,” and “When I was your age…”

8 When it’s your birthday, do not request a special dinner even if asked If you do, at best the dinner will not resemble what you thought you required. At worst, the dinner will be so complex and require so much prep that you will be forever in the debt of the preparer. (and reminded of same periodically)

7 When it is your birthday, do not let anyone at work know even if you are in a birthday club. If you do, at best all the cake and potluck will be made of everything forbidden on your restricted diet. At worst, since you have no idea which one of the dishes was prepared in the home of an Ebola sufferer, you will be playing potluck roulette with anything you try.

6 When it’s your birthday, do not accept an invitation to celebrate after work. If you do, at best you will only be slightly late to your surprise birthday party at home. At worst, you might forget all about a prior commitment and join in the rest of the work crew for way too many birthday shots that could ultimately end with a late night karaoke sing-off which you will win just prior to passing out in the restroom.

5 When it’s your birthday, do not join everyone and sing Happy Birthday to yourself. If you do, at best the assumption is you had too much punch. At worst, the party goers will come away with the feeling you could have had your own narcissistic party that would have been cheaper for them.

4 When it’s your birthday, try to look pleased with your in-law’s gift. If you don’t, at best you might hurt their feelings. At worst, you will be the center of a raging controversy as to what it takes to please you with no good result.

3 When it’s your birthday, do not tell the restaurant this information. If you do, at best someone will quietly bring a piece of cake and congratulations. At worst, the entire restaurant crew will gather at your table clapping and singing some rendition of Happy Birthday while delivering a cake with a sparkler that gets the attention of the whole room.

2 When it’s your birthday, do not stop at a store just to see what’s new. If you do, at best you will only look around and realize you don’t need anything. At worst, you will feel as if your birthday somehow suspends any restraint that you have for overspending. The presents you buy yourself will be way too expensive,

1 When it’s your birthday, do not take the occasion to over analyze the significance of the event. If you do, at best you may miss the fun of the day. At worst, you may be unkind to yourself and in the process discount much of your success.

Top Ten Things Not to do IF You Think You Are Going to Win a Contest or the Lotto

~ John W. Howell ~ 28 Comments

This list was inspired by reading a story about a person who had a dream that they were a Lotto winner and went out and bought new cars before the drawing.

a lotto

 

Ten Things Not to do if You Think You Are Going to Win a Contest of the Lotto

10 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not quit your day job until the drawing is over. If you do, at best your boss won’t take you seriously when you give a reason for resigning. At worst the Publisher Clearing House Award Team will knock on your door only to discover they have made a mistake, and your neighbor with the barking dog is the actual winner.

9 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not brag to your in-laws before the drawing. If you, at best they will believe you are a little naive.  At worst, your father in law will present an IOU for the amount of money he has loaned to your spouse over the years. The bill will still be due even if you don’t win.

8 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not sign the papers for that beautiful new house until after the drawing. If you do, at best you will be the proud owner of two homes and utterly broke. At worst, the Federal government will want to talk about the amount of income you stated on the bank loan forms of twenty million which was used to approve the loan. They keep mumbling vaguely about something called bank fraud.

7 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not tell all your friends before the drawing. If you do at best, they will want the money back for the drinks they bought you. At worst, they will think you won and are avoiding their requests for a loan.

6 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not put off saving for retirement. If you do, at best you will need to keep working until you have enough to retire. At worst, you will retire and find out you needed to work more, and no one is hiring.

5 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not put your house up for sale until after the drawing. If you, at best you will sell it and need to find another. At worst, you will sell your house and find you don’t have enough money to buy one of similar value and no way to qualify for a loan.

4 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not tell your boss exactly what you think of them before the drawing. If you do, at best your boss will send you for a mental evaluation, and all will be forgotten. At worst, you will say things you want to retract but you know a retraction is impossible even as you pack for your new assignment in North Korea.

3 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not avoid setting up a college fund. If you do, at best your kids will be so bright and talented they will win full scholarships to Ivy League schools. At worst, your kids will have to take jobs and loans to get through college and will eventually find their way back to your basement since they can’t afford housing and pay back the loans.

2 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not invest in that oil well with your brother-in-law before the drawing. If you do, at best you have given your brother-in-law a gift, and at least it’s not your brother. At worst, you will need the money you gave the brother-in-law to meet your near term commitments since you figured you were throwing the money away and wouldn’t need it. Now you need it. The silver lining he is not your brother.

1 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not finally buy that expensive gift for your spouse before the drawing. If you do, at best you will be forgiven for the thought. At worst, you will have to return the gift and explain why you bought it in the first place. However, the excuse comes out it will still sound like you have lost your mind.

Ten Things Not to do if You are the Designated Fill-in Shopper

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

a store

 

This list is inspired by being tapped by my wife to do the grocery shopping while she was on a trip. It is true in our house our chores are divided according to talent. I have no talent in the area of grocery shopping. I cook competently and do dishes (uh load the dishwasher). I also do not do laundry and not because I have a problem doing it. The fact that at one time we had pink towels and sheets from formerly white is the main reason for being banned from the laundry.

 

Ten Things not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper

If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class run by your spouse on the principle of wasting money.

10 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to make substitutions of items on the list. If you do, at best your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that the entire family has gotten sick after eating one time before.

9 If you are asked to shop do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on wasting money.

8 If you are asked to shop do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices and your bill will be above the all-time high that will not be a good thing.

7 If you are asked to shop do not think, you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and its effect on the environment.

6 If you are asked to shop do not think, your newness will excuse you checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, you will be recognized and reported to your spouse with the resulting discussion on proper store protocol.

5 If you asked to shop do not think, you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot causing a loss of the items that as reminded by store personnel is after the fact payment wise.

4 If you are asked to shop do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky.

3 If you are asked to shop do not take any of your friends with you. If you do, at best you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst your friends will talk you into hosting a poker game this week, and you’ll have bought all the snacks and beer. (The explaining of this phenomenon will be the challenge of the year)

2 If you are asked to shop do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (Marshmallows in cereal is a no-no.)

1 If you are asked to shop no matter how much you feel you are putting your life on the line, you cannot refuse. If you do, at best you may hurt your spouse’s feelings. At worst, you will be the cause of a relatively significant family argument that won’t end well in terms of the next time you need a favor.