Category: Ten Things Not to Do

Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time

~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

The inspiration for this list is the fact that it is graduation season. When you think of all the graduations that are being held in the US alone, you realize the potential exists that these ten things occur with similar results. I hope you enjoy the list and can manage to avoid them.

a graduation

 

Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time

10 If you are a graduate, do not put something dumb on your mortar. If you do, at best even if your family sees you they will not want to admit you belong to them. At worst the picture taken of your message will go viral and will show up every time someone searches your name on Google including prospective employers.

9 If you are a parent of a graduate, do not blow any type of horn when your child receives their diploma. If you do, at best you will cause your kid to want to find another home. At worst, that big over trained guy in front of you is fighting a hangover and will help you stow your horn where you will not want it stored.

8 If you are a speaker at a graduation, do not tell the graduates that the world is looking to them for salvation. If you do, at best your cliché will remind everyone just how out of it you are. At worst, your words will be quoted in some satirical publications who will point out just how many times graduating classes heard the same words throughout the millennium.

7 If your graduate has decided to skip the ceremony, do not fight the decision. If you do, at best your child will make attending the ceremony sound like parental abuse. At worst the child will attend with something dumb written on the mortar to the tune of “my parents made me do this,” and you can expect the message broadcasted worldwide.

6 If your family is experiencing a graduation, do not think this is indicates your job as a parent is complete. If you do, at best you will be surprised by requests for help as like commences. At worst, you will need counseling to overcome the feeling of failure as your child s to move into your spare room.

5 If you are the graduation ceremony organiser, do not think everything will run smoothly because of your careful planning. If you do at best, you will be unprepared when something goes wrong, and there is a long period where no one can hear the speaker. At worst, you will not know what to do with a thousand Champaign corks bouncing off the facility and school officials even though you banned the presence of alcohol at the ceremony.

4 If you are holding a graduation party, do not leave your house even though you trust your loving child to be trustworthy and in control. If you do, at best a few more guests who were not expected will attend with little consequence. At worst, the state police will looking for you to help fund the fire department, EMS and SWAT team expenses that were incurred to break up the party and put out the fire destroying yours and two neighbor houses

3 If you have a graduate, do not over do the gift. If you do, at best your child will expect a similar prize for other accomplishments. At worst, someday it will need to be replaced and the words about the child being on their own when you gave the gift are forgotten.

2 If you are attending a graduation ceremony, do not treat the event as if it is a football game. If you do, at best you will get strange looks when you enter the stand with the team colors and jersey. At worst, you will get a lot of people wanting to buy the bratwurst you are grilling at your tailgate gathering.

1 If you have a graduate, do not keep telling them how amazed you are that they made it through school. If you do, at best they will think you did not have faith in their abilities. At worst, you will give the child a complex that will be manifest in the longing for a career in fast food service as a grill person.

Top Ten Things Not to do if Your Inhibitions Have Been Set Free

~ John W. Howell ~ 38 Comments

The inspiration for this list is a lifetime of observation of the behavior of people who finally let down their defenses. The lowering of defenses may have been as a result of being over-served or just a decision of not wanting to hold back any longer.  Although becoming open and honest without pretense can be a right thing more often that not the consequences of id liberation make such a move the source of regret.  I hope you enjoy the list.

a uninhibited

Ten Things Not to Do if Your Inhibitions Have Been Set Free.

10 If you feel uninhibited, do not free your body from clothes to match your mind. If you do, at best you will be all alone in the woods. At worst, you will become aware of your condition as the mall cops wrestle you to the floor and try to hide your parts.

9 If you feel uninhibited, do not ignore the speed laws. If you do, at best you’ll get home in one piece. At worst, you will find it hard to explain to the justice system that you no longer think the laws of the land apply to you since you feel free. You will also risk having a mandatory psych evaluation before your trial.

8 If you feel inhibited do not walk out of a store with unpaid merchandise. If you do, at best you can explain you forgot to check out, and no harm done. At worst, you will be escorted to the rear of the store by a guy with SECURITY on his shirt past the fifth grade class of your kid’s school on their annual retail field trip.

7 If you feel uninhibited, do not overestimate the value of the truth. If you do, at best your truthful comments will be limited to the weather. At worst, your truth-telling on some subjects will lead you to being asked to leave the country for good by some somber looking people.

6 If you feel uninhibited, do not blow your horn to encourage the pack of Hells Angles to get out of your way. If you do at best, they might move over to let you pass. At worst, you will find yourself on the back of a Harley Softail hanging on to Moose for dear life with a next stop in Sturgis. Oh and your car is in several members saddlebags. They promise they will put it back together after the rally.

5 If you feel uninhibited, do not tell the checkout person about all the things you couldn’t find today. (Even if asked) If you do, at best you will realize no one cares about what you couldn’t find. At worst, the checkout person will call the manager with the words “whining customer on register four.” Those behind you will be calling for a horse and rope.

4 If you feel uninhibited, do not take the survey you are offered during your call to customer service of the electric company to report that your power has been off for four hours. If you do, at best you will not see your power for three days. At worst, your survey will be handed to the uncooperative employee and includes your home address, phone number and hours when your electricity usage is lowest. You will wonder what that black car is doing across the street every night. (Hint, leave town)

3 If you feel uninhibited do not answer the question “where would you like to go for dinner?” If you do, at best you will resent the fact you had to decide the rest of the night. At worst, you will go into a rant about why you always have to decide everything. You will ask “why just this once can’t you make a $#@*&% decision.” The result will be carry out and silence at dinner.

2 If you feel uninhibited and someone from management asks what you think should be done to improve the workplace, do not follow your instinct to tell everyone what you think. If you do, at best your coworkers will endeavor to move away from you. At worst, you will in the course of two minutes of meaningful suggestions render yourself a pariah and perfect candidate for that assignment in Iraq.

1 If you feel uninhibited, do not visit any store with merchandise priced any higher than a dollar. If you do, At best you will snap out of it in time. At worst, you will finally be stopped by the credit card security group who honestly believe your card has been stolen since you limit was reached in only two stops and one was a diamond store.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Bar

~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

 

This list was inspired by listening to stories related by our house guests who had made the bar scene during the Memorial Day Weekend. All of these are hearsay and not a matter of personal experiences. I hope you enjoy.

 

Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Bar

10 If you are visiting a bar, do not stand too close to someone expecting them to talk to you. If you do, at best they will move away. At worst, you might be surprised to find yourself an unwilling volunteer for a jujitsu demonstration with you as the victim.

9 If you are visiting a bar, do not order a flaming drink for any reason. If you do, at best you will confirm your narcissistic tendencies. At worst your concoction will catch the back bar on fire, and the four-alarm fire department cost will put your credit card into default.

8 If you are visiting a bar, do not join others in doing shots. If you do at best, you will fall unconscious. At worst, you will be on your feet but engaged in behavior that your will not recall at your trial.

7 If you are visiting a bar, do not get up on the karaoke stage for any reason. If you do, At best you will be coerced into singing a song that you have never heard of before. At worst, you will be idiot enough to tackle Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and to attempt to sing all the parts.

6 if you are visiting a bar, do not join a discussion about sports if you don’t know anything about sports. If you do, at best your companions will have proof that you are an idiot. At worst, Beefcake Muldoon the guy who’s facts you were challenging will finally have had enough and provide you with your solo flying lesson. (That landing will be pretty rough)

5 If you are visiting a bar, do not insist that the band play your song. If you do, at best the band will ignore you totally. At worst, the huge guy with the word SECURITY on his back will be helping you to the exit to the amusement of the patrons and joy of the band.

4 If you are visiting a bar, do not take drinks and not offer to buy a round. If you do, at best you will soon be drinking alone. At worst, your companions will shame you into buying a drink and suddenly being surprised that the round includes a drink for everyone in the bar as arranged by your former friends.

3 If you are visiting a bar, do not challenge the house champion to a game to impress others. If you do, at best you will be beaten so badly that all those who you wanted to impress think you are an idiot. At worst, you will get into several double or nothing bets that will end up with you no longer having a car.

2 If you are visiting a bar, do not send back a plate of food o matter how bad. If you do, at best those who you are with will wonder why you had the poor judgement to order food in a bar in the first place. At worst, you plate will return from the kitchen with some additional ingredients courtesy of the night cook and his dog.

1 If you are visiting a bar, do not accept the pickled egg eating challenge. If you do, at best you will be finished for the night. At worst, you will be feeling the physical effects of too many pickled eggs for the next week including sleeping alone in the yard.

Ten Things Not to do on Memorial Day Feat. Marie Ann Bailey

~ John W. Howell ~ 40 Comments

Last Year Marie Ann Bailey and I did a simu-publish of what not to do on Memorial Day. I was constructing a new one for this year, and it occurred to me that last years was pretty suitable. So here is last year’s and I must say the advice seems pretty relevant. Thanks, Marie for helping with this one.

a memorial day

Top Ten Things Not To Do On Memorial Day

10 On Memorial Day, do not accept an invitation to your boss’ house for a picnic even if you think it will be good for your career. If you do, at best, you might just have an awful time. At worst, you might be pressed into service as one of the wait staff.

9 On Memorial Day, do not accept an invitation to your friend’s parents’ house on the lake. If you do, at best, you might be subjected to uncomfortable questions about why you don’t eat potato salad sitting in the sun for an hour. At worst, you won’t notice the potato salad and end up riding to the ER in an expensive ambulance.

8 On Memorial Day, do not try for the record number of drinks in an hour set by the Legend last year before he died. If you do, at best, you will feel awful the next day. At worst, you just might meet up with the Legend to compare notes.

7 On Memorial Day, do not show the crowd how many hot dogs or anything else you can consume in less than sixty seconds. If you do you, at best, you may get off lucky with just one. At worst, you may eat enough hot dogs causing you to go into a Nitrite and manufactured meat coma that takes days to wear off.

6 On Memorial Day, do not try to better any story being told by someone who has served in the military. If you do, at best, you might be telling the truth, but will look like a braggart. At worst, you might get in so deep that you will need to join up just to make the stories come true.

5 On Memorial Day, try to resist the beer bong challenge. If you don’t, at best, you will need to find a ride home. At worst, you will have lost all power to reason and the ability to talk which will make great discussion topics for the next day, not to mention the cell phone pictures on Instagram.

4 On Memorial Day, do not offer to light the fireworks display. If you do, at best, you will be contributing to an illegal act in most places. At worst, you may just set off the whole pile and be faced with trying to explain to Homeland Security exactly what your intentions were, hoping you can talk them out of a planned waterboard session.

3 On Memorial Day, do not decide to join in the volleyball game if you don’t know how to play. If you do, at best, you will slowly learn how to play and eventually stop making points for the other team. At worst, your team mates will decide you need elimination and will hire someone to take you for a long ride out-of-town.

2 On Memorial Day, do not wear any bathing attire that doesn’t fit or has a competitive racing design. If you do, at best, the rest of the party will try to ignore the sight. At worst, your picture and all the stuff that doesn’t fit in the suit will make the internet rounds on sites titled: “What not to wear in the pool this summer.”

1 On Memorial Day, do not think you need to entertain all your friends with stories of horrific behavior on Memorial Days past. If you do, at best, everyone will eventually walk away as they lose interest, and you’ll have a Golden Retriever as your audience. At worst, someone remembers your antics and is able to top your story with an even more embarrassing tale about you which you may or may not remember

 

Top Ten Things Not to do When It’s Your Birthday

~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

The inspiration for this is the fact that all of us have a day of birth even those of you from another planet. So I thought we could all use a little advice on that particular day.

a bday-cake1

Ten Things Not to do When It’s Your Birthday

10 When it’s your birthday, do not tell anyone what you want for a present. If you do, at best you won’t get what you asked. At worst, you will get all kinds of things that are sort of like what you wanted but not quite.

9 When it’s your birthday, do not tell anyone you are feeling older. If you do, at best a well-meaning someone will plop a post on Facebook asking everyone to cheer you up. At worst, you will get all those people who are older than you telling you things like “you only live once, enjoy,” and “When I was your age…”

8 When it’s your birthday, do not request a special dinner even if asked If you do, at best the dinner will not resemble what you thought you required. At worst, the dinner will be so complex and require so much prep that you will be forever in the debt of the preparer. (and reminded of same periodically)

7 When it is your birthday, do not let anyone at work know even if you are in a birthday club. If you do, at best all the cake and potluck will be made of everything forbidden on your restricted diet. At worst, since you have no idea which one of the dishes was prepared in the home of an Ebola sufferer, you will be playing potluck roulette with anything you try.

6 When it’s your birthday, do not accept an invitation to celebrate after work. If you do, at best you will only be slightly late to your surprise birthday party at home. At worst, you might forget all about a prior commitment and join in the rest of the work crew for way too many birthday shots that could ultimately end with a late night karaoke sing-off which you will win just prior to passing out in the restroom.

5 When it’s your birthday, do not join everyone and sing Happy Birthday to yourself. If you do, at best the assumption is you had too much punch. At worst, the party goers will come away with the feeling you could have had your own narcissistic party that would have been cheaper for them.

4 When it’s your birthday, try to look pleased with your in-law’s gift. If you don’t, at best you might hurt their feelings. At worst, you will be the center of a raging controversy as to what it takes to please you with no good result.

3 When it’s your birthday, do not tell the restaurant this information. If you do, at best someone will quietly bring a piece of cake and congratulations. At worst, the entire restaurant crew will gather at your table clapping and singing some rendition of Happy Birthday while delivering a cake with a sparkler that gets the attention of the whole room.

2 When it’s your birthday, do not stop at a store just to see what’s new. If you do, at best you will only look around and realize you don’t need anything. At worst, you will feel as if your birthday somehow suspends any restraint that you have for overspending. The presents you buy yourself will be way too expensive,

1 When it’s your birthday, do not take the occasion to over analyze the significance of the event. If you do, at best you may miss the fun of the day. At worst, you may be unkind to yourself and in the process discount much of your success.

Top Ten Things Not to do IF You Think You Are Going to Win a Contest or the Lotto

~ John W. Howell ~ 28 Comments

This list was inspired by reading a story about a person who had a dream that they were a Lotto winner and went out and bought new cars before the drawing.

a lotto

 

Ten Things Not to do if You Think You Are Going to Win a Contest of the Lotto

10 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not quit your day job until the drawing is over. If you do, at best your boss won’t take you seriously when you give a reason for resigning. At worst the Publisher Clearing House Award Team will knock on your door only to discover they have made a mistake, and your neighbor with the barking dog is the actual winner.

9 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not brag to your in-laws before the drawing. If you, at best they will believe you are a little naive.  At worst, your father in law will present an IOU for the amount of money he has loaned to your spouse over the years. The bill will still be due even if you don’t win.

8 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not sign the papers for that beautiful new house until after the drawing. If you do, at best you will be the proud owner of two homes and utterly broke. At worst, the Federal government will want to talk about the amount of income you stated on the bank loan forms of twenty million which was used to approve the loan. They keep mumbling vaguely about something called bank fraud.

7 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not tell all your friends before the drawing. If you do at best, they will want the money back for the drinks they bought you. At worst, they will think you won and are avoiding their requests for a loan.

6 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not put off saving for retirement. If you do, at best you will need to keep working until you have enough to retire. At worst, you will retire and find out you needed to work more, and no one is hiring.

5 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not put your house up for sale until after the drawing. If you, at best you will sell it and need to find another. At worst, you will sell your house and find you don’t have enough money to buy one of similar value and no way to qualify for a loan.

4 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not tell your boss exactly what you think of them before the drawing. If you do, at best your boss will send you for a mental evaluation, and all will be forgotten. At worst, you will say things you want to retract but you know a retraction is impossible even as you pack for your new assignment in North Korea.

3 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not avoid setting up a college fund. If you do, at best your kids will be so bright and talented they will win full scholarships to Ivy League schools. At worst, your kids will have to take jobs and loans to get through college and will eventually find their way back to your basement since they can’t afford housing and pay back the loans.

2 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not invest in that oil well with your brother-in-law before the drawing. If you do, at best you have given your brother-in-law a gift, and at least it’s not your brother. At worst, you will need the money you gave the brother-in-law to meet your near term commitments since you figured you were throwing the money away and wouldn’t need it. Now you need it. The silver lining he is not your brother.

1 If you think you are going to win a contest or the Lotto, do not finally buy that expensive gift for your spouse before the drawing. If you do, at best you will be forgiven for the thought. At worst, you will have to return the gift and explain why you bought it in the first place. However, the excuse comes out it will still sound like you have lost your mind.

Ten Things Not to do if You are the Designated Fill-in Shopper

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

a store

 

This list is inspired by being tapped by my wife to do the grocery shopping while she was on a trip. It is true in our house our chores are divided according to talent. I have no talent in the area of grocery shopping. I cook competently and do dishes (uh load the dishwasher). I also do not do laundry and not because I have a problem doing it. The fact that at one time we had pink towels and sheets from formerly white is the main reason for being banned from the laundry.

 

Ten Things not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper

If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class run by your spouse on the principle of wasting money.

10 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to make substitutions of items on the list. If you do, at best your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that the entire family has gotten sick after eating one time before.

9 If you are asked to shop do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on wasting money.

8 If you are asked to shop do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices and your bill will be above the all-time high that will not be a good thing.

7 If you are asked to shop do not think, you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and its effect on the environment.

6 If you are asked to shop do not think, your newness will excuse you checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, you will be recognized and reported to your spouse with the resulting discussion on proper store protocol.

5 If you asked to shop do not think, you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot causing a loss of the items that as reminded by store personnel is after the fact payment wise.

4 If you are asked to shop do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky.

3 If you are asked to shop do not take any of your friends with you. If you do, at best you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst your friends will talk you into hosting a poker game this week, and you’ll have bought all the snacks and beer. (The explaining of this phenomenon will be the challenge of the year)

2 If you are asked to shop do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (Marshmallows in cereal is a no-no.)

1 If you are asked to shop no matter how much you feel you are putting your life on the line, you cannot refuse. If you do, at best you may hurt your spouse’s feelings. At worst, you will be the cause of a relatively significant family argument that won’t end well in terms of the next time you need a favor.

Ten Things Not to do When Changing TV, Phone, and Internet Providers

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

This list has as inspiration recently changing phone, internet, and TV providers. I wanted to get higher speed internet, and the local phone company had nothing faster, so I had to go to a new supplier. I bought a bundle including phone, internet, and TV.

a cable install

Ten Things Not to Do When Changing Entertainment Providers

10 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not expect anything to work that day. If you do, at best you will be frustrated. At worst, you will need someone to apply some electroshock to bring you back from the heart attack.

9 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not let them touch anything until verifying the price. If you do, at best the price will be the same as agreed. At worst, some clod in the sales department quoted you a price on just half the equipment, and now the COD charge is twice. (and your other supplier is no longer your supplier)

8 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not let the tech leave until you try everything. If you do, at best there will be no batteries in the remotes. At worst, your internet and TV resemble something driven by a captured mouse on a wheel that hasn’t had a square meal in weeks.

7 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not let them come to the house until they have confirmed your old phone number will be ready to hook up. If you do, at best you will be given a temporary number until your old number is available. At worst, the old number will not be available for a few weeks and in the meantime your number is one digit off from an all night at home message service.

6 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not think all your precious recordings on the old DVR will stay with you. If you do, at best you will be surprised. At worst, you will sadly realize those episodes of the Mentalist that you were going to watch over the summer no longer exist and you will have no idea how the season and the series ends. (Spoiler alert, everyone is happy)

5 If you are changing entertainment providers, pay no attention when the tech says “Oh oh that’s not good.” If you do, at best you will lose confidence in getting service quickly. At worst, you will be drawn into a conflict between the tech and his home office  over whether or not you need TV service.

4 if you are changing entertainment providers, do not plan on getting anything else done that day. If you do, at best you will be frustrated in having to cancel plans. At worst, you will have planned an important meeting that was to take place in the afternoon but  since the tech is still working you have a decision between getting TV, Internet and phone service or keeping your job.

3 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not suggest to the tech that there might be a better way to install something. If you do, at best the tech will ignore you. At worst, the tech will follow your direction and because you were not clear you now have a major hole in the wall between your living and dining room and a highly attractive black cable running across the floor.

2 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not plan on downloading those large files from work. If you do, at best your temporary  download speed will mean the job will be finished sometime in June. At worst, the documents and files you are attempting to download will show up on your neighbor’s computer who does not have ultra-high security clearance necessary to be in possession of the sensitive federal documents which you discover as the Homeland Security SWAT team is pounding on your front door.

1 If you are changing entertainment providers, do not plan on using the equipment for at least three days and twenty-four hours on the phone (cell) with the customer and technical support. If you do, at best you will be wondering why you are participating in this particular hell. At worst, we will be watching the late news seeing you on top of the provider’s customer care center blinded by bright searchlights and being ordered not to jump.  (or even worse, to put the automatic weapon down)

Top Ten things Not to Do at Whole Foods

~ John W. Howell ~ 46 Comments

The inspiration for this list came during several visits to Whole Foods. None of these circumstances were as a result of personal interaction while shopping there.

 

 

a whole food store

 

Top Ten Things Not to do at Whole Foods

 

10 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think you are at a discount outlet. If you do, at best your heart rate will hit a never before achieved rate at checkout. At worst, you will have to do the wait of shame while the checker calls the stock person to return everything you were forced to give up at the checkout.

9 If you are at Whole Foods, do not think the salad bar is a taste first then buy spot. If you do, at best store security will remind you loudly that you are not to eat anything prior to checking out. At worst, you might be asked to weigh in for a residual weight charge. (You will be asked loudly for your weight prior to entering the store.)

8 If you are at Whole Foods and are having a salad to go, do not forget the price is by the pound. If you do, at best you may have loaded your salad with heavy veggies that will lighten your cash. At worst, you will come to realize for the cost of the salad you could have bought a farm and raised your own.

7 If you are at Whole Foods, do not go there hungry. If you do, at best you will overspend dramatically. At worst, you will come face to face with the reason the store has the nickname “Whole Paycheck.”

6 If you are at Whole Foods, do not decide to discuss politics with the essential oil and vitamin store person. If you do, at best you will have to listen to some very disturbing theories on government use of food to eliminate its enemies. At worse, you might find yourself involved in a discussion and resulting firm request to join the Retake the Food underground which has only one satisfactory conclusion and that is to run out of the store.

5 If you are in Whole Foods, do not joke around about wanting more trans-fat in your diet. If you do, at best you will receive some pretty strange looks. At worst, you might be wrestled to the ground by well-meaning food cranks in an effort to save your mortal self from a fate worse than nicotine addiction.

4 If you are in Whole Foods, do not sit at the wine bar do not reach over the counter to help yourself. If you do, at best you might be asked to leave. At worst, you may be banned from Whole Foods for up to a year that they consider the ultimate punishment. (As if anyone could stand not to visit for a year)

3 If you are at Whole Foods and are looking for organic potato chips, understand they still are not a good thing to eat.  If you forget, at best you might wonder where you got that extra ten pounds. At worst, you will no doubt feel comfortable consuming organic potato chips until you no longer feel comfortable in your clothes.

2 If you are at Whole Foods and want a breakfast taco. Remember the prices of the extras beyond the tortilla are on an individual basis. If you forget, at best you will have the most expensive taco you have ever had. At worst, you will need to make a run to the bank before your number comes up.

1 If you are at Whole Foods and decide to have a cup of coffee, do not think you can just order a cup of coffee. If you do, at best the rest of the line will what planet you were from as you stumble through the process. At worst, you will finally walk away with a cup of something that will closely resemble an oil change in the rainforest.

Top Ten Things Not to do When Taking Family Photos

~ John W. Howell ~ 35 Comments

This list was inspired by looking at a number of photos that have been posted on-line recently.

a camera

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Taking Family Photos

10 If you are taking family photos, do not forget the background. If you do, at best you might have a stray person in the shot. At worst, you may have the perfect family park photo with a lovely backdrop of the trash receptacle.

9 If you are taking family photos, do not ignore what each person has in their hand. If you do, at best you’ll take photos which catch a bunch of red Solos. At worse, you may get a fine shot of everyone with red Solos as well as Uncle Jeff and his smoked turkey leg.

8 If you are taking family photos, do not let anyone pose without a shirt. If you do, at best you have to hope your family is well toned. At worst, you will have photos of family members who resemble a gathering of a Yeti clan or a convention of the Michelin Man actor’s league.

7 If you are taking family photos, do not let the camera shake. If you do, at best your photos will be blurry. At worst the photos will all make your family appear as if they are having severe withdrawal from controlled substances.

6 If you are taking family photos, tell a joke and don’t just command everyone to smile. If you do, at best your family will look artificial in appearance. At worst, you will have captured what will be interpreted by outsiders is living proof zombies exist.

5 If you are taking family photos, do not take this occasion to introduce some creative photo techniques you have always wanted to try. If you do, at best your family will not understand what you have done. At worst, you will have created a set of photos that your family will insist be burned in front of them and possession of the memory stick which they will destroy in front of you.

4 If you are taking family photos, do not try to take photos late into the party. If you do, at best everyone will appear tired in the pictures. At worst, you will find it more difficult to get pictures without tongues sticking out and two fingers behind every head.

3 If you are taking family photos, do not pose members in an unflattering way. If you do, at best you might hurt some feelings. At worst, Aunt Malva and Uncle George will seek an injunction to have the photos kept from public view. Especially that one where they are comparing the size of their bellies.

2 If you are taking family photos, do not over serve yourself. If you do, at best you will take some pictures that aren’t useable. At worst, you will capture some subjects in unusual poses which you think are fine but they want to kill you for possession of them.

1 If you are taking family photos, do not keep everyone waiting while you set the camera and the lights and the self-timer.  If you do, at best your photo will show some of the tension. At worst you‘ll have a photo where it appears someone has just opened a large container of Limburger cheese.