Tag: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Tubing

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this post is the Texas sport of tubing. To be a tuber, all you need is a truck inner tube, cooler of beer, snacks, and a lovely full river like the Guadalupe. Since I have not been tubing myself, this list is a matter of observation.

10 If you are tubing, do not wear regular shoes. If you do, at best they will be water-logged. At worst, you will lose just one and will have a distinct limp at the end of the day from walking with one. (Something about water and loafers that just don’t mix huh, Bosco?)

9 If you are tubing, do not leave your cooler tube untethered. If you do, at best your floating neighbors will catch it before going downstream. At worst, your cooler will wander off and bump into Tiny the WWF champ who just finished his twelve step plan to quit drinking.(Funny how he ripped the top off the cooler almost like he knew there was a twelve pack inside. He is looking at you, and I would paddle on if I were you, Buster.)

8 If you are tubing, do not assume you won’t drag bottom. If you do, at best you will get a suit full of mud. At worst, you might lose your suit to the weight of the clay and will have to work out a creative way to exit the river. (Looks like Channel six news is doing a special on tubing. You should be a big hit with that officer waiting for you, Ferd.)

7 If you are tubing, do not ignore the current. If you do, at best you’ll struggle to get out at the end of your float trip. At worst, you will keep going until you empty into the Gulf of Mexico. (The Coast Guard wants to talk to you, Buford. Something about smuggling by inner tube. Good luck with that.)

6 If you are tubing, do not forget to park your car at the end of the trip. If you do, at best you might catch a ride with your friends. At worst, you will still be hitchhiking after the sun goes down. (Who is going to pick up someone with a tube and cooler who looks deranged, Tex?)

5 If you are tubing, do not overserve yourself. If you do at best, you’ll fall asleep. At worst, you’ll decide to imitate Jack Sparrow and board your neighbor’s tubes demanding pieces of eight. (Funny how that one guy gave you a knuckle sandwich calling it a piece of five huh, Putz?)

4 If you are tubing, do not forget your manners. If you do, at best most will ignore you. At worst, a committee of fellow tubers will intercede and make sure you get drydocked. (Shouting obscenities at homeowners along the bank is something your crowd doesn’t do, Bunky.)

3 If you are tubing, do not decide to pull out and eat your lunch on private land. If you do, at best the owner will nicely ask you to move on. At worst, the owner threatened to shoot the next trespasser, and it looks like it is you.(Nothing like a shotgun to inspire movement right, Leroy?)

2 If you are tubing, do not tie up with your friends and make an island such that no one can pass. If you do, at best expect a lot of yelling. At worst, you might experience a few blowouts as others pass you. (You did not expect that sharp object did you, Ralph?)

1 If you are tubing, do not think the banks of the river are all public rest stops. If you do, at best you might embarrass yourself. At worst you may violate local obscenity laws and find yourself in big trouble. (Never thought you were demonstrating lewd behavior huh, Pal?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Returning From a Long Trip

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

 

Top Ten

The inspiration for this list was my return from a ten-day trip. Just in case you wonder I am entirely innocent of any of these incidents. Hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Returning From a Long Trip

10 If you are returning from a long trip, do not forget where you parked your car. If you do, at best security will help you find it. At worst, you’ll have to catch a cab home convincing your family that you need a physical intervention. (That brain MRI was a pleasant experience right, Bosco?)

9 If you are returning from a long trip, do not argue with the parking attendant about the price of parking. If you do, at best he will call the police. At worst, the attendant is Tiny the WWF champ who is working nights to pay his fine for the last criminal assault charge.(Looks like you had better use your feet to avoid this one, Buford.)

8 If you are returning from a long trip, do not arrive in the middle of the night and expect a warm welcome. If you do, at best you will be disappointed. At worst, your pit bull who is especially protective will confuse you with an intruder. (Good thing you have that tall tree in the front yard huh, Putz?)

7 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think the hotel shampoo and conditioner bottles count as souvenirs. If you do, at best the only one talking to you right now is you. At worst, you’ll have to find an alternate sleeping arrangement. (That couch is as lumpy as you thought isn’t it, Buster?)

6 If you are returning from a long trip, do not dump your laundry on the floor and declare, “No rush.” If you do, at best the pile will stay there forever. At worst, you may wonder why the Goodwill receipt is on your bureau. (On the plus side you can deduct the donation, Ferd.)

5 If you are returning from a long trip, do not make comments at dinner about how good the food was on the trip. If you do, at best you will be eating out for weeks. At worst, you will be invited to prepare the meals according to your taste. (That includes menu and shopping, Bunky.)

4 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think everyone you meet wants to hear about your experiences. If you do, at best people will avoid you. At worst, you will have to listen to the experiences of others. (It really gets to you when their trip sounds better than yours doesn’t it, Tex?)

3 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think everyone wants to hear you speak in the language of the place visited. If you do, at best most will believe that you are affected. At worst, you will meet someone fluent in the language, and you’ll be stumped. (A little hard to keep up after hello don’t you think, Pard?)

2 If you are returning from a long trip, don’t keep saying,”It’s good to be home.” If you do, at best people will think you had a lousy time. At worst, most will wonder why you left in the first place. (Of course, they may also see through your desire to answer the question, “Where have you been? Leroy.)

1 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think you won’t have to resume helping out around the house. If you do, at best you will get a gentle reminder. At worst, you may find your suitcase repacked and ready for another trip. (That one-way ticket is sobering don’t you think, Cousin?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Camping

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

 

The inspiration for this list was surveying the damage after the Memorial Day weekend. Several campsites (Documented here) were either blown or washed away. Such a situation caused the development of a list that might save others from a similar fate.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Camping

10 If you are camping, do not arrive in the dark to set up. If you do, at best you might accidentally choose a high dry spot. At worst, your camp was pitched in a low spot that the forest animals routinely use as a freeway. (Nothing like having a family of Coyotes in your sleeping bag huh, Bradley?)

9 If you are camping, do not go to the site without having tested new equipment. If you do, at best your stove has no fuel and its try to cook over a fire time. At worst, your water purifier kit is missing a part, and now you have nothing to drink but Bud Light. (Okay so maybe you don’t mind, Buford but the family looks like they are in the beginning stage of dehydration.)

8 If you are camping, do not think you will be immune to insect bites and not take repellent. If you do, at best you’ll have to hope the mud stops the itching. At worst, you might be the only member of the team to come down with malaria. (Who knew that the only Anopheles mosquito in North America had a crush on you, Leroy?)

7 If you are camping, do not take the weather reports lightly. If you do, at best you have not planned activities that can be done in inclement weather. At worst, you may experience what it is like to be cold, wet, and hungry for several days. (You could have done the same thing in your backyard right, Doofis?)

6 If you are camping, do not think you will be able to buy more food at the campsite.  If you do, at best your trip will end early. At worst, your attempts to borrow food from other campers will be met with the same welcome extended to bears. (You also learned a lesson about challenging a bear at the dumpster huh, Bunky?)

5 If you are camping, do not think your fellow campers welcome your loud morning wake-up music. If you do, at best the park management will help you pack. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ having been advised by his anger management counselor to go camping for the peace and quiet is now heading toward your site with a good morning greeting of his own. (It won’t help to ask Tiny to put you down. He’ll be thinking of a body slam, Tex.)

4 If you are camping, do not forget the first aid kit. If you do, at best the rule of camping that says, “someone will get hurt” might pass you by. At worst, in one day your group will have two sprained ankles, a dislocated shoulder, a fish hook in the eyebrow, and poison ivy. (Funny thing is all these things happened to you, Burt and it wasn’t even noon on the first day yet.)

3 If you are camping, do not count on a hot shower. If you do, at best you’ll have to use a cold lake. At worst, you are now attracting wild things from the forest and are being asked to sleep outside the tent. (Your stubbornness regarding hot water is not paying off is it, Buster?)

2 If you are camping, do not arrive at the campsite without a reservation. If you do, at best a standby spot will open up. At worst you, the family, and the dog will be sharing the backseat of your Toyota Corolla. (At least you all have learned what makes each of your really mad right, Putz?)

1 If you are camping, do not think you can recreate the luxury and convenience of your home. If you do, at best you will come up short. At worst, the lack of electricity and air conditioning will finally push you over the edge. (Might as well admit camping is not for you, Ferd.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Tax Protest Hearing

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

Tax assessor

The inspiration for this list was a visit to the tax assessor to protest a 20% rise in my assessed valuation which is the basis for the property tax amount. (This is allowed in the Republic of Texas) I must say the meeting was cordial and we kissed goodbye, (It’s an island don’t forget), yet I have to go to the next level since there was no change in my situation. So, I did not need this list but thought I would publish it anyway. I hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Tax Protest Hearing

10 If you are protesting your assessment, do not enter the hearing with a frown on your face. If you do, at best you’ll get one back in return, At worst, the assessor will assume you are a tough customer and will guard her concessions like gold. (A smile would have put the assessor off guard, Ferd. It wouldn’t have cost you anything.)

9 If you are protesting your assessment, do not show signs of weakness at the hearing. If you do, at best the assessor will think you a push over. At worst, the assessor will discover a “mistake” in the county’s favor, and your tax bill will go up. (You see, Buster it is a zero sum game. One person’s rate goes down they must find a sapsucker (Guess who) who won’t fight an increase.)

8 If you are protesting your assessment, do not agree to anything without thinking it through. If you do, at best you might be missing further reductions. At worst, your quick agreement will come back in the form of a huge increase next year. (Thought it was too good to be true huh, Bunky? Hint: It was.)

7 If you are protesting your assessment, do not snow the assessor under with too many statistics. If you do, at best you’ll confuse the assessor. At worst, the assessor will believe you are trying to pull a fast one and shut down. (You now know property assessment is not a science right, Buford?)

6 If you are protesting your assessment, do not threaten the assessor with eternal damnation. If you do, at best your assessment will stand. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who has just graduated from The Church of What’s Happening Now correspondence course will believe he needs to physically remove the hieratic from the facility. (That body slam to the concrete smarts doesn’t it, Roy?)

5 If you are protesting your assessment, do not bring in your pastrami sandwich with you. If you do, at best the meeting will end quickly with no resolution At worst, your assessor has not eaten since yesterday and can not function with you slowly eating your sandwich. (So you had a nice lunch, Putz. Higher taxes as your reward.)

4 If you are protesting your assessment, do not show up after building your courage attending happy hour at the Gaff. If you do, at best someone will have mercy, and you’ll be asked to leave. At worst, you’ll agree to an increased assessment as well as free cocktails to all assessor personal after the hearing. (Never knew what a soft touch you were after a few drinks did you, Bosco?)

3 If you are protesting your assessment, do not raise your voice. If you do, at best your assessor will walk away. At worst, the SWAT team will assume you are a person of interest and wrestle you into the transport waiting outside. (You can’t imagine what caused everyone to hit the floor can you, Slug?)

2 If you are protesting your assessment, do not threaten to burn your house down. If you do, at best the assessor will see no reason to reduce your assessment until after it is gone. At worst, you will be seen as a danger to society and helped to a quiet place to recover.(You can’t move your arms you say, Bunky? Must be that straight jacket that is hampering you.)

1 If you are protesting your assessment, do not insult your assessor. If you do, at best all you’ll get is a smile. At worst, your assessor has just completed a self-esteem retreat and is now in a regression mode and can’t help you. (Don’t worry, Tex. The assessor will be assigned to your case for the next ten years at which time your tax bill will closely match the amount paid for the most expensive property in the county.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Eye Doctor

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Top Ten Things not to Do

 

The inspiration for this list was living through the replay of the eye doctor visit with our youngest. Since she is a millennial, we were very pleased that she went to the eye doctor and so we were passive listening to the blow by blow of the visit.

Ten Things Not to Do at the Eye Doctor

10 If you are at the eye doctor, do not guess at the letters on the chart. If you do, at best you’ll have to take the test again. At worst, the doctor will outfit you with coke bottle lenses that will render you sightless.  (Seemed like a good joke until the $400 bill was put in your hand huh, Ferd?)

9 If you are at the eye doctor, do not hesitate when asked which lens is better one or two? If you do, at best you’ll get a third choice which doesn’t work. At worst, you’ll be spending the afternoon going through the lens tests until you finally declare a preference. (Makes you wonder why you are so fussy huh, Buford?)

8 If you are at the eye doctor, do not turn down the grandfather sunglasses if your eyes have been dilated. If you do, at worst you may hurt yourself squinting. At worst, you’ll never see Tiny the WWF champ stepping off the curb.(Always wondered what it is like to run into a rhinoceros did you? Buster? Now he looks pretty mad.)

7 If you are at the eye doctor, do not have garlic bread for lunch. If you do, at best your exam may be from across the room. At worst, the doctor will have to call in a hazmat crew to remove you and your smell from the office. (Sure looked good on the menu huh, Pard?)

6 If you are at the eye doctor, do not complain about the magazines. If you do, at best the doctor will raise your bill to cover improvements. At worst, the magazines were a personal choice by the doctor and sold by the underprivileged children of the doctor’s church. (You wish for an atomic bomb blast right now right, Slick?)

5 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try to tell the doctor what you think you need as far as a prescription goes. If you do, at best the doctor will ignore you. At worst, the doctor will refer you to the eye doctor next door who happens to specialize in large animals. (You look pretty foolish in that  stall, Slug.)

4 If you are at the eye doctor, do not have a couple of drinks before. If you do, at best the doctor will be able to detect the fact. At worst, the doctor will be calling social services to set you up with a counselor for the seeing impaired. (Why all these people think you need help is beyond you isn’t it, Putz?)

3 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try on one hundred pairs of frames. If you do, at best you’ll realize it’s your face that is the problem. At worst, the office will close, and you’ll find yourself on the street with two monocles in your hand. (Try to figure out how to use those Tex. A hint. You have to arch your eyebrow.)

2 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try to stay within the budget of your insurance. If you do, at best you get a half a pair of glasses. At worst, you might be able to make it work if you give up on the nose and ear pieces. (You are right back to the monocle aren’t you, Pal)

1 If you are at the eye doctor, do not argue about having to go to stronger lenses. If you do, at best you will appear petty and self-absorbed. At worst, you will demonstrate your fear of getting older which your doctor will take as a cry for help. (I hope you are enjoying your group therapy sessions. Come on tell us how you really feel. That’s where it’s at isn’t it, Bunky?)

Ten Things Not to Do When Spring Cleaning

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments

Spring Cleaning

 

This list is inspired by the waiting list of to do’s that have generally been classified as “Spring Cleaning Chores.” I have been studying the list (the first step) for the last few days and was reminded of all the things I needed to think about before getting to work. To those of you who have a spouse that seemingly takes an inordinate amount of time planning the approach to such tasks, be thankful you have a cautious worker on your staff. The end result will be final completion with minimal risk. To those not so lucky your trips to the emergency room are the payoff. (This last paragraph was a PSA on behalf of all those self-cleaners out there)  I hope you enjoy the list.

Ten Things Not to Do While Spring Cleaning.

10 While spring cleaning, do not start a list without careful planning. If you do, at best you’ll only waste your time haphazardly moving from one project to the next. At worst, that last missing step on the ladder will only become important when you step on it. (It is a long way down, and your screaming just woke the baby, Buford.)

9 While spring cleaning, don’t forget to look down at the wash water before throwing it out. If you do, at best you may lose your favorite brush. At worst, your youngest may take a flight that was unplanned. (How did that kid get in there anyway, Buster?)

8 While spring cleaning, don’t forget the law of gravity. If you do, at best that hammer won’t take out the patio cover. At worst, your weightlessness feeling will only be a millisecond before you reconnect with terra firma.(Those skydiving lessons were of no help on your free fall from the roof right, Tex?)

7 While spring cleaning, do not mix several cleaning agents together. If you do, at best you’ll only waste the materials. At worst, you may inadvertently duplicate what used to be considered a military grade poison gas. (How’s that waiting list on the lung transplant coming along, Slick?)

6 While spring cleaning, do not try to remove spots with anything but approved removers. If you do, at best the spot removed will be a bigger as a result of residual cleaner. At worst, that spot lifter you used clearly said not for use on leather. (How are you going to explain that missing arm on the couch, Bunky?)

5 While spring cleaning, do not think you can use a leaf blower in the living room. If you do, at best you may be surprised at how may things go out the front door. At worst, although the knick knack shelf is clean there may be no more knick knacks. (Funny how those crystal items turned to dust, huh Ferd?)

4 While spring cleaning, do not forget to empty the vacuum cleaner during the process. If you do, at best the job will take longer. At worst, at the end of the job, your vacuum and hose may be entirely filled only to let go when you turn the machine off.   (Didn’t plan on starting over did you, Bosco?)

3 While spring cleaning, do not use that paint from five years ago. If you do, at best the color will be close, and only your mother in law will notice. At worst, what used to be bright white woodwork will look like an original “this old house” before picture.(Now you have to do it twice huh, Putz?)

2 While spring cleaning, do not think others want the radio that loud. If you do, at best you may get a phone call. At worst, you will have awoken Tiny the WWF champ who flew in from LA on the redeye and finally got to sleep. (Notice Tiny has red eyes of his own as you observe his knuckle sandwich being served a la carte, Pard.)

1 While Spring cleaning, do not underestimate the strength of your power washer. If you do, at best you may make some marks on your house. At worst, you’ll notice the chunks of paint being stripped from the siding a little too late to avoid a complete repaint job. (Well, that was a sound investment wasn’t it, Darling? Yes, the most feared words in the language)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Bungee Jumping

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

Bungee jumping

 

The inspiration for this list was the desire to do a top ten post that would provide no useful information but just humor. I picked bungee jumping since I’m sure most of you have never contemplated doing something that obscure. If you have then all the better. The point is I hope you enjoy the list even though it may not apply to you.

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Bungee Jumping.

10 While Bungee jumping, do not attempt to light your smoke. If you do, at best you’ll still be trying at the bottom of the jump. At worst, you ‘ll be successful, and between the highs and lows of the jump, your shirt is now on fire. (Tough to put out with this wind huh, Bunky?)

9 While Bungee Jumping, do not attempt to tighten your ankle cuffs. If you do at best, you will turn the keys the proper way for tightening. At worst, you’ll be confused loosen them instead. (Sure feels funny this free flight thing huh, Pilgrim?)

8 While Bungee jumping, do not try to impress your friends with too many acrobatics. If you do, at best that Triple Lux with come off without a hitch. At worst you have extended the Bungee’s about one foot too far. (Could have used that foot when you hit the canyon floor huh, Buford?)

7 While Bungee jumping, do not try to eat your leftover Pad Thai mid-air. If you do, at best you might get a bite or two. At worst, you’ll finish the jump looking like the after photo of a food fight. (If you are careful you can save some of those noodles, Buster.)

6 While Bungee jumping, do not group text your friends. If you do, At best your text won’t be understood. At worst, the auto correct feature will alienate every friend you have. (You thought the message, “Best of Luck to You,” would be well received huh, Leroy?”)

5 While Bungee jumping, do not edit your latest manuscript. If you do, at best you get one or two words covered before the first bounce. At worst, the wind will take your manuscript and spread it over several miles. (Should have numbered those pages huh, Slick?)

4 While Bungee jumping, do not close your eyes on the way down. If you do, at best you might miss the good parts. At worst, the ride personnel will assume you’ve passed out and will throw you into an EMS vehicle despite your protestations. (Who ever heard of someone taking a nap on a bungee jump, Ferd?)

3 While Bungee jumping, do not jump before taking care of that 32 oz Big Gulp drink you just finished. If you do, at best you’ll feel like a full watermelon when the g-forces hit you at the bottom. At worst, you treat all the bystanders to a show at your expense. (Now where are you going to find some dry pants, Tex?)

2 While Bungee jumping, do not turn the GoPro camera to capture your face. If you do, at best you forgot to turn it on. At worst, the video of you screaming like a kid will go viral. (You could have taken some beautiful shots of the valley, but no you had to be a hero, huh Ralph?)

1 While Bungee jumping, do not forget to tip the cuff connector guy. If you do, at best you can take care of it after the jump is over. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ was highly offended you forgot him. (That ground comes up fast without those bothersome lines huh, Burt?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Texting

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

Texting

The inspiration for this list came to me when I inadvertently sent a text to the wrong person. Lucky there was nothing in the text that might be embarrassing but caused my fiction mind to go into overdrive. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Texting

10 When texting, do not use acronyms that you don’t understand. If you do, at best you might be misunderstood.  At worst, you may shock the receiver with your lack of social grace. (You thought WTF meant “Why the Fuss,” didn’t you, Ferd? Too bad Nun Mary Teresa was the recipient of your misunderstanding.)

9 When texting, check to whom you are sending the message. If you don’t, at best your message will provide some laughs. At worst, that disparaging comment about Tiny the WWF champ’s mother will go right to him by mistake. (You could have sworn you were messaging your best friend only to discover you replied to Tiny’s last text to you where he threatened to break your leg. Don’t look but he’s heading toward you now, Buford.)

8 When texting, do not rely on auto-correct to cover your mistakes. If you do, at best you will need to explain that last text. At worst, you just sent a group text to the garden club where you explained that the male Pinto plant needed to be placed inside a moist verdant vessel. (Well, that sure didn’t come out the way you intended did it, Alice?)

7 When texting, do not rely on voice to text as a time saver. If you do, at best your numerous repeats will make it a longer process. At worst, your voice recognition program only understands Cambridge English and you are from New Jersey. (Good luck with that bit of technology, Bunky. BTW Homeland Security thinks you want to blow something up.)

6 When texting, do not include a duck-faced or tongue-out selfie with an obscene gesture thrown in. If you do, at best you’ll demonstrate your lack of originality and IQ. At worst, your selfie will be passed from phone to phone until it ends up with your boss. (That call from HR can’t be good huh, Bosco?)

5 When texting, do not send pictures of your food. If you do, at best folks will think you need a hobby. At worst, you will demonstrate a cry for help that needs intervention. (How is that good feelings camp treating you, Tex?)

4 When Texting, do not use the technology with wish someone a happy Valentine’s day as your only effort. If you do, at best you’ll never have a relationship with that person. At worst, the resultant storm will not be assuaged without some very expensive make-up gifts. (Seemed like an easy way out huh, Pard?)

3 When texting, do not use emojis to express what should be said in person or in words. If you do, at best you’ll be seen as an automaton. At worst, you will receive emojis back that have at the core a message telling you to place your phone in a very dark place. (You don’t know where those emojis came from do you, Buster?)

2 When texting, do not do it while in a social situation. If you do, at best you will look up and find yourself alone. At worst, the rest of the group will take your action as disinterest in the event or them and ignore you for the rest of the evening. (Let’s hope you even notice, Clod.)

1 When texting, do not drive a car or operate machinery. If you do, at best you’ll escape with no consequences. At worst, you’ll hurt someone with your negligence. (You’ll have to live with that the rest of your life, Dope.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Spa Vacation

~ John W. Howell ~ 53 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

The inspiration for this list came from looking at possible spa vacations and then deciding to pass after reviewing all the material. I hope you enjoy the list and for those who love spa vacations, I am very envious since you obviously have a good feeling about yourself.

Ten Things Not to Do on a Spa Vacation.

10 On a spa vacation, do not sign up for anything you don’t understand. If you do, at best you will learn what you don’t like at a high cost. At worst, those funny words turn out to mean “tortured until you confess.” (Sad thing is you don’t know what to admit huh, Bunky?)

9 On a spa vacation, do not fall asleep in the sauna. If you do, at best you will wake up before dehydration sets in. At worst, your dreams of lost in the desert will, in fact, be reality and that oasis is a mirage. ( Being a conscript in the French Foreign Legion wasn’t on the itinerary was it, Buford?)

8 On a spa vacation, do not think the phrase “essential oils” really means not optional. If you do, at best you’ll experience a new meaning to the term, “greasy.” At worst, you cannot find a place to sit, lie, or stand where you don’t slide off and end up on the floor or ground. (So everyone thinks you are drunk huh, Bosco. You shouldn’t care until CNN shows up)

7 On a spa vacation, do not think the robes are gifts of the hotel. If you do, at best you’ll pay the $75.00 each charge without complaint. At worst, the head of security will be called over the loudspeaker to look through your bags at checkout since housekeeping reported the robes missing.(Right now Tiny the WWF champ is walking across the lobby, and the look on his face gives you the chills. You sense he has been looking forward to this all day don’t you, Buster? Can you say strip search?)

6 On a spa vacation, do not sign up for the mud baths if you are unsure of the source of the dirt. If you do, at best you will imagine all kinds of things in that mud with you. At worst, once you realize that Bayou Baths is a combination of river mud, crawfish droppings, and decayed vegetation you’ll never feel clean again regardless of the number of showers you take. (The brochure said “all natural” so what’s the complaint, Furd? Sure you got a little in your mouth, but you’ve had worse.”)

5 On a spa vacation, do not think massage words are the same as outside life words. If you do, at best you were careful in describing the service you were expecting. At worst, the light-hearted comments about deep massage will have you begging to be saved.(Let’s not even mention how you mumbled aloud something about the ending, Tex.)

4 On a spa vacation, do not try to influence the music choice of the staff. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worst, the esoteric music that you thought was annoying has now been replaced by heavy metal favorites played on a flute, harp, and oboe. (Makes the nails on the chalkboard analogy seem inadequate huh, Rube?)

3 On a spa vacation, do not ignore the hot stone warnings. If you do at best aloe vera will ease the pain. At worst, you will now be mistaken for an Olympic athlete who had undergone suction treatments. ( Of course, you could also be mistaken for an idiot who doesn’t pay attention to warnings, Stu. I Love that line of circles down your back.)

2 On a spa vacation, do not think a seaweed wrap is a luncheon menu item. If you do, at best your cries for rescue will be ignored. At worst, as you struggle to free yourself from the grip of the slimy seaweed you inadvertently roll into the hot tub. ( Now maybe the stuff will cook off huh, Buddy? Can you say Miso soup?)

1 On a spa vacation, do not think you can request your favorite food. If you do, at best you will get zucchini prepared like your favorite food. At worst, the staff will believe you need a “cleanse interdiction,” and you will spend the rest of your holiday fearing to be more than ten steps from a ceramic chair.(Man, that juice tasted so good going down didn’t it, Bubba? Do you think they put jalapeno peppers in there?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bicycle

~ John W. Howell ~ 37 Comments

 

Top Ten Things Not to do on a BikeThe inspiration for this list is my three days a week eight-mile ride on the single speed beach cruiser bike which is pictured above. I get some crazy thoughts while moving along and I thought I would share them with you. For those of you who have seen my bike before will recognize the fact that this is a newer version. It is all aluminum, so maybe it won’t rust and collapse under me like the last model. Hope you enjoy the list.

10 On a bike, do not think you are riding a motorcycle. If you do, at best the hand wave you make to the Hells Angles will be ignored. At worst, the leader of the pack, Tiny (WWF champion) will use you as an example of what happens when you mock the Hells Angles. (Don’t worry he will untie you and let you go at the next town or fifty miles whichever comes first, Ferd.)

9 On a bike, do not think you can take phone calls. If you do, at best the other end will hear two out of ten words. At worst, you might be distracted enough to miss your turn and end up with a thirty-mile ride. (You have always warned people about that turn, and now you are the poster child, huh Bunky?)

8 On a bike, do not think riding on a busy highway is the way to go. If you do, at best you’ll get used to the horn honks. At worst, that eighteen wheeler blast of air will knock some sense into you as you go airborne. (You were sure people couldn’t fly, weren’t you Tex?)

7 On a bike, do not insist on exercising your rights to the right of way. If you do, at best all others will concede. At worst, you’ll confront a passive aggressive psychopath who has just been told they need to be more assertive.( That crumpled aluminum mass can be sold for scrap, Buster. Just pick it up and walk the ten miles to the recycle center.)

6 On a bike, do not neglect proper clothing. If you do, at best the stares by those you pass can be ignored. At worst, the citation for indecent exposure will be seen as a mark down from public lewdness.( All because of that speedo, huh Ace?)

5 On a bike, do not forget that wet roads are slippery. If you do, at best a couple of  slides will be a reminder. At worst, that long hill ending at dead man’s curve seems to be a challenge right now in that you are going twenty miles an hour straight down. (Brakes are a liability in this situation aren’t they Buford?)

4 On a bike, do not forget insects will hit you at the speed you are going. If you do, at best a couple of moth hits is all you will experience. At worst, you’ll have the pleasure of being dismounted by the largest June bug on the planet. (This is not a joust, and there is no princess kiss at the end either, Duke.)

3 On a bike, do not watch the scenery more than the road. If you do, at best you’ll get a warning to return to your lane. At worst, that lovely cottage and flower garden holding your attention is at the corner of the road and a drainage ditch. (mud and water are easy to get off you, What about the bike, Mike?)

2 On a bike, do not think more about your plot line and less about the double line. If you do, at best you will get home safely. At worst, your story line development will be interrupted by a quick ride to the ER. (Now with your leg in the air you have plenty of time to do the story line huh, Ernest?)

1 On a bike, do not think you can do tricks like you’ve seen on the trick bike championships. If you do, at best you’ll remember that all those champions are under twenty years old and stop yourself. At worst, you’ll get half way through a triple spin and realize that your arthritis is no longer your major bone problem. (Enjoy everyone visiting you in the hospital and asking, “What were you thinking John?”)