Tag: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do in an Apartment

~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list came as were spending some hurricane evacuation time in an apartment. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are in an apartment, do not drop your weights like the bozos at the gym. If you do, at best the manager will visit At worst, that last set of one hundred pounds ended with the repair bill for both your floor and the ceiling below you. (That drop was pretty expensive huh, Christopher. Lucky there was no one in the recliner down there.)

9 If you are in an apartment, do not think your wailing guitar is appreciated by everyone at two in the morning. If you do, at best the police will only give you a warning. At worst, you’ll get a visit from Tiny the WWF champ who was just released from the sleep disorder clinic, and this was the first night he actually fell asleep. (Notice how that locked door came off the hinges, Cameron? I’d like you to meet Tiny the big guy that looks like a freight train, and he’s headed your way.)

8 If you are in an apartment, do not rent the bottom floor unit. If you do, at best you may get used to the noise above. At worst, you’ll finally crack and will go door pounding in the middle of the night. (Those people have every right to be afraid, Connor. Might have been a good idea to check in the mirror before doing your Shining, “Daddy’s home,” imitation.)

7 If you are in an apartment, do not cook your favorite boiled cabbage recipe except on St. Patrick’s Day. If you do, at best your neighbors will wish for your death. At worst, the super will call in the exterminator believing your apartment is the scene of many pests. (Be careful opening that door, Cody. That cloud left by the bug bomb explosion might take you out as well.)

6 If you live in an apartment, do not forget to lock your door. If you do, at best no one will notice. At worst, you’ll come home to a place that looks like you never lived there. (You have to wonder how a thief could take four rooms of furniture with no one noticing don’t you, Carter?)

5 If you live in an apartment, do not throw a party unless you invite the neighbors on either side as well as above and below. If you do, at best you might be annoyed by all the floor and ceiling pounding. At worst, you better hope everyone at the party is legal because the SWAT team coming up the stairs will sure want to check. (You had no idea the Jackson Twins were under twenty-one did you, Chris. Well, it’s not going to matter that they weren’t known or invited by you and no one else either.)

4 If you live in an apartment, do not think the barbecue grill will be available when you want to use it. If you do, at best you’ll have to wait your turn. At worst your choice will come down to eating at midnight or a pan-fried steak. (What is it about that Teflon flavor in a great cut of meat that adds so much to the elegance of the meal, Charlie.)

3 If you live in an apartment, do not think everyone follows the shower before entering the pool rule. If you do, at best you might be surprised by the ring. At worst, you may be caught unaware of the unofficial rule which is, “Do not put your head under water.” (Had a bunch of unexplained sore throats lately huh, Calvin?)

2 If you live in an apartment, do not ignore the trash pickup rules. If you do, at best you will only have to be taught once. At worst, the pickup service will no longer stop at your door and trying to put your trash next door will earn you a potential black eye. (That guy sure got mad when he stepped on your paper bag full of garbage didn’t he, Cory? How is that eye by the way?)

1 If you live in an apartment, do not pick up and shake other people’s packages which are outside their door. If you do, at best you’ll never get caught. At worst, you just shook a package as the door of the recipient opened.(The bad part was it was a gift six Baccarat champagne flutes which are now dust, Clark. I don’t think saying, “Oh I think this is yours, my mistake,” is going to cover this one up.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Yourself

~ John W. Howell ~ 76 Comments

Ten things not to do

The inspiration for this list is a result of thinking of doing home repair projects myself. This list helped me decide otherwise.

10 If your electrical service is out, do not try to diagnose and fix the problem. If you do, at best you’ll melt a screwdriver. At worst, the jolt you receive will clear your mind and sinus. (The manual said the while wire was dead huh, Bandos?)

9 If your pipes leak, do not try the DIY plumber ploy. If you do at best, you can get the leak to stop a little. At worst, you will finally give up when the water level is above your knees. (That last tighten move broke everything loose did it, Berto?)

8 If you need to fix the drywall, do not do it alone. If you do, at best you’ll finally give up. At worst, you’ll pull something that really hurts. (Hope you enjoy the body cast, Brandt. It is only for twelve weeks.)

7 If your roof needs repair, do not go up there. If you do, at best the gutters will break your fall. At worst, you can be heard screaming for blocks as you slide down the roof only to land on Tiny, the WWF champ, who just started his new job at UPS. (Notice how fast Tiny recovers from a sneak attack? Too bad every bone in your body won’t let you run away, Burley.)

6 If your window needs replacement, do not try it alone. If you do, at best it will fall out while your back is turned, At worse, the first wind will cause the window to fall from the second story, just as the minister rings your doorbell. (Belonging to that church was optional right, Burt?)

5 If your siding needs to be replaced, do not do it with friends. If you do, At best no one will get hurt. At worst, the job goes well until your neighbor steps off the ladder thinking he is a ground level. (A little too much beer and the second story does seem like ground level, Boswell.)

4 If there is concrete work to do, do not do it. If you insist, at best the work will look like a kindergarten class project. At worst, the idea of handprints and initials will take on a sinister aspect when you can’t get free. (On TV that Hollywood walk of fame thingy looks easy. Right. Brinsley?)

3 If you have a tree that needs removal, do not think you are Paul Bunyan. If you do, at best the only limbs affected are on the tree. At worst your scream of “timber,” is totally ignored by your house. ( Nice to have that two-story view of the sky isn’t it, Buzzy?)

2 If you have tile work that is necessary, do not think it is as easy as it looks. If you do, at best that herringbone pattern appears like a fun house mirror. At worst, your first shower in the newly tiled space will resemble a melting marshmallow flow. (There was something about waiting for 72 hours for the grout to dry wasn’t there, Bodie?)

1 If your house needs to be power washed, do not think you can do it. If you do, at best you’ll quit in time. At worst, you won’t notice that the stong spray is taking off the paint along with the dirt. (You can also see the lighting fixtures blown into the neighbor’s yard if you pay attention, Burl.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Before You’ve Had Your Coffee

~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

Coffee

 

The inspiration for this list came from the various and sundry things that needed to be done to begin to get back to normal after Hurricane Harvey. I haven’t done any of these, but it was fun pretending and I would certainly have some coffee before trying.

10 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not meet with a FEMA representative. If you do, at best you’ll have to excuse your behavior. At worst, the US marshalls will call in reinforcements to help extricate you from the room. (Who would have thought that raising your voice would have caused that reaction, Baltazar?)

9 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not call your cable provider to request service. If you do, at best you’ll be on hold for an hour. At worst you’ll get to talk to Tiny the WWF champ who just got released from his sociopath support group. (The two of you are having an excellent debate. Why is it he keeps wanting to know where you live, Banjo?)

8 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not take your car in for service. If you do, at best they will honor your appointment time. At worst, you’ll sit in the lounge for an hour trying to avoid being stepped on by two hyperactive toddlers. (They have already apologized for the fact the coffee machine is out-of-order. You might as well try to relax and for heaven’s sake quit thinking about that letter you plan to write to the CEO of the service company, Barnaby.)

7 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not visit the license bureau to renew your driver’s license. If you do, at best you’ll get a low number for service. At worst, you have pulled number 208, and they are now serving number four. (The drive through at McDonald’s wait now looks like a breeze compared to this huh, Beaudoin?)

6 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not visit the bank to ask for a loan. If you do, at best it is a bank holiday. At worst, you will finally admit that you really need the money and will, therefore, be denied the loan. Too bad your decaf state caused you to forget the rule about “those who have gets,” Bellamy.)

5 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not meet with your boss to talk about your career. If you do, at best your boss caught the flu and is out sick today. At worst, your discussion could have taken a nasty turn when your boss suggested you need some additional training. (If you had some caffeine, Benjamin maybe you would not have pounded on the bosses desk causing security to escort you to the parking lot. Tomorrow ought to be interesting.)

4 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to complete that delicate experiment with the new product at work. If you do, at best you’ll come to your senses. At worst, you are now in a position of being responsible for a complete redo. (You were sure your shaking hands would not be a factor right, Bennet?)

3 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to write that breakthrough chapter on your book. If you do, at best you and the keyboard will have a staring contest. At worst, you will forge ahead and write what you think is the best stuff you have ever done. (Really tough to file 13 all those words isn’t it Bodee?)

2 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not read that last two-star review. If you do, at best you’ll be diverted by a natural disaster. At worst, even though some of the points may be well taken, you vow out loud to hunt the person down and hit them with a poison dart. (Sure it’s the lack of caffeine talking, but you are scaring the kids, Braddock.)

1 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to create that meaningful post that you hope everyone will love. If you do, at best, the typos will kill you. At worst, only after you have posted and read what you have written do you see the similarity to the Unibomber manifesto. (Good luck getting that one canceled off all the social media sites, Brayden.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If Your Internet and Cell Service are Down

~ John W. Howell ~ 89 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this list came from living without the internet and very spotty cell service for the last two weeks. It took me a while to get used to the fact that I could not do what has become everyday activities with my devices.

10 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to send emails. If you do, at best you’ll never get an answer. At worst, you will convince yourself that you have been cut off from the word and will start filling bottles with notes. (Forget the fact that the biggest body of water is the dog dish, Barnaby.)

9 If your internet and cell service are down, do not look for “likes” on that last selfie. If you do, at best you’ll think no one saw it. At worst, you’ll think no one actually liked your selfie and could spiral into a black hole of self-doubt. (Your raging FOMO is about to overtake you huh, Barlow?)

8 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think you can poach off your neighbor. If you do, at best they will have a secure connection. At worst, your neighbor’s brother-in-law, Tiny, the WWF champ, who just returned from survival school will notice you crouched in the bushes close to the house. (That scream you are hearing was taught to Tiny to throw off the enemy he is about to pounce upon. Guess who, Bartek?)

7 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think you can sneak into a coffee-house and use theirs without buying anything. If you do, at best the manager is sixteen years old and afraid of you. At worst, the manager is a retired Marine who has just been told by a twenty-year-old District Manager that they will be fired if they allow poaching of the WiFi. (Looks like you made it out of there unscathed. Too bad about that flying laptop. The landing was not pretty right, Bastian?)

6 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to meet your book publish deadline in spite of the difficulties. If you do, at best you will be forced to set a new deadline. At worst, you will end up bald and with a bad case of PPSD. (That’s Post Publish Stress Disorder.)

5 If your internet and cell service are down, do not try to stream a movie that you have wanted to watch. If you do, at best you’ll have to watch an old Harry Potter DVD. At worst, you’ll refuse to believe that the “LOADING” sign is a lie.(So after watching the LOADING sign for two hours maybe it’s time to call it a night, Bub.)

4 If your internet and cell service are down, do not keep picking up your phone after every little noise. If you do, at best you’ll be continually reminded that it’s gone. At worst, you might develop a tick which will require long-term therapy. (Try explaining to the doctor that your illness is cell phone related, Berkley.)

3 If your internet and cell service are down, do not put your life on hold until they return. If you do, at best you’ll miss out on trying new things. At worst, your family will begin to wonder if they need to orchestrate an intervention. (Sitting in a chair all day will not bring the internet and cell service back faster, Bixby.)

2 If your internet and cell service are down, do not lay out sheets in the backyard spelling the words, “Help, I Have No Internet.” If you do, at best a passing helicopter will drop some supplies in your yard. At worst, the Channel Six news team will hover above you and broadcast a story about the shallowest individual on the planet. (You could have guessed the story would go viral right, Bojan?)

1 If your internet and cell service are down, do not think anyone will miss you on your social media accounts. If you do, at best your feeling of isolation will drive you to books. At worst, you take to standing at the traffic light with a sign that says, “Will work for Tweets.” (Notice how many drivers look away when you get near, Benny?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do After a Hurricane Hits Your House

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

10 If a hurricane hits your house, do not start a Go Fund Me campaign. If you do, at best you’ll look like a privateer. At worst, you may not collect anything but some old Chucky Cheese tokens. ( Made you feel better for a day huh, Boewolf?)

9 If a hurricane hits your house, do not rush into the community to see how things are. If you do, at best you won’t be allowed in. At worst, you will get in and then need to be rescued. ( You thought the rain was over didn’t you, Berton?)

8 If a hurricane hits your house and you are allowed to visit, do not plan to stay the night. If you do, at best the police will ask you to leave. At worst, you’ll try to sleep in temperatures above ninety degrees. (You now know what a pig on a spit feels like don’t you, Blaze.)

7 If a hurricane hits your house, do not listen to fast talking con artists. If you do, at best you just say no. At worst, you authorize some repairs and hand over a down payment. (That was the last time you saw your best friend, right, Boswell?)

6 If a hurricane hits your house, do not try to turn on the water and electricity yourself. If you do, at best there will be no leaks. At worst, the broken main flooded the electrical box, and your house burned to the ground. (Gee, Branan. Maybe that plumber and electrician might have been cheaper than DYI.)

5 If a hurricane hits your house, do not open your refrigerator while alone. If you do, at best stand up wind. At worst, you could be overcome by the smell and need to be evacuated. (Shoulda thought about removing that food when you left, Brick.)

4 If a hurricane hits your house, do not drink the water until advised. If you do, at best you’ll survive. At worst, you will get amoebic dysentery. (You will survive, Bren it’s just you’ll pray you won’t.)

3 If a hurricane hits your house, do not violate the curfew. If you do, at best you’ll need to be quiet and not turn on a flashlight. At worst, the police will think you are a looter. (not very comfortable dodging bullets in your own home is it, Bryson?)

2 If a hurricane hits your house, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ to help you remove debris. If you do, at best you’ll have to feed him. At worst, he won’t know the difference between debris and the good stuff. (You were almost positive that west wall was okay before Tiny started working right, Byron?)

1 If a hurricane hits your house, do not delay filing all the forms. If you do, at best you will be at the bottom of the list.  At worst, all the funding will be gone, and you will be left without help. (Seems like your distaste for forms has finally caught up with you, Brogan.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Moving

~ John W. Howell ~ 65 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this piece was the arrival of a new couch and the accompanied rearranging of furniture. Since moving households is something almost everyone faces, I thought it would be fun to recap some things we should avoid doing should a move be necessary. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 If you are moving, do not attempt it alone. If you do, at best it may take longer than expected. At worst, you could get caught under that heavy dresser and be missing for weeks. (Gotta hope the new tenants will figure out where those screams are coming from hey, Buster?)

9 If you are moving, do not forget to tip the movers. If you do, at best that last carton will stay on the truck. At worst, the big guy named Tiny, the WWF champ, will be asking questions about the quality of service. (You are hoping he puts you down gently, right Buford?)

8 If you are moving, do not think the movers will understand your attachment to grandma’s hand me down table. If you do, at best that scratch can be covered up. At worst, you will be able to start your first fire with what is left. (Seems like you should have mentioned how fragile it was, Boswell)

7 If you are moving, do not pack the boxes yourself. If you do, at best there will be a few items broken. At worst, that tinkling noise when you pick up the box marked “crystal,” will not be a welcome sound. (Looks like the savings on the cost of packing has gone into the red, Boris.)

6 If you are moving, do not mark the boxes with your own code. If you do, at best you’ll remember most of the code. At worst, in the rush of the move, you will forget what you meant and take a guess as to where things should go. (Nice to have all your pots and pans in the garage, isn’t it, Bosco?)

5 If you are moving, do not leave the old house without checking to see that everything is out. If you do, at best you’ll leave behind things that don’t matter. At worst, you’ll wonder what happened to the washer and dryer in transit. (Of course, the movers thought they stayed with the house, Basil.)

4 If you are moving, do not forget to change the water, gas, and electric bill. If you do, at best it might take you a day or two to remember. At worst, you receive a bill that is ten times your usual usage. (The new people decided they like the air conditioning set at 70 degrees, and the lawn watered every day. Guess you should have paid attention, Bentley.)

3 If you are moving, do not think your new neighbors need to give you cookies. If you do, at best you might be disappointed. At worst, as you mention the oversight you learn the previous residents were running a crack house.  (Looks like it might be a couple of years before anyone trusts you, Bubba.)

2 If you are moving, do not think the movers will place everything as you have it labeled. If you do, at best you may find some things in unusual places. At worst, you realize after they are gone that your master bedroom furniture is on the patio.(And guess what furniture is in the master bedroom, Burt?)

1 If you are moving, do not think you can challenge your partner on the layout of each room. If you do, at best you are in for a long day. At worst, combined with the stress of moving your input might be enough to win you an overnight accommodation in the back yard. ( You could have said something when the plans were drawn up, huh Butch?)

Top Ten Things Not to Say to a Writer

~ John W. Howell ~ 135 Comments

Writer meme

This list was inspired by going out into public over the weekend. I am always amazed at some of the things people say once they find out you write full-time.

10 If you meet a writer, do not tell them you have a book you have meant to write. If you do, at best they will walk away. At worst, they will ask how come you haven’t written it yet? (That is a pretty uncomfortable silence isn’t it, Bunky?)

9 If you meet a writer, do not ask about their royalties. If you do, at best they will offer to buy you a drink. At worst, they will ask you to pick up the bar tab. (That was the saddest poor-mouth story you ever heard, huh Ralph?)

8 If you meet a writer, do not ask about a movie deal. If you do, at best you’ll have to listen to the impossibilities of getting a film deal. At worst, you’ll have to supply the tissues and offer large soothing hugs. (It’s almost like this guy is never going to stop sobbing right, Tex?)

7 If you meet a writer named Tiny the WWF champ, do not tell him you have not read his book. If you do, at best his disappointment will cause you to cry. At worst, he will hold you on his lap and read it to you.( It is hard to get away isn’t it, Buford?)

6 If you meet a writer, do not tell them how you would have ended the book. At best, the look you get should be photographed and filed under incredulity in Wikipedia. At worst,   the writer might just leave the gathering and work out previous rejection traumas consuming a gallon of ice cream. (No, you are not invited to join the ice cream social, Putz.)

5 If you meet a writer, do not ask what they do for “real work.” If you do, at best they will humor you with lawn cutting stories. At worst, they will give you the impression that they eliminate ignorant people for money.( You have to admit if this guy writes as well as he frightens, he’s good huh, Bosco?)

4 If you meet a writer, do not ask them to review your manuscript. If you do, at best they will try to change the subject. At worst, they will say yes and try as they may never find the time to read it. (You should join a critique group Buster and quit bothering people you just met.)

3 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what brand of whiskey they drink. If you do, at best they will think you are joking. At worst, the writer will grasp the stereotype and provide you with an obscure brand name that cost $100 a bottle. (Pretty expensive way to get inspired hey, Pal?)

2 If you meet a writer, do not ask them what they do in their spare time. If you do, at best you’ll get a vague answer along the lines of washing the dog. At worst, you’ll have to stand and listen to what sounds like a description of a person with an Attention Deficit Disorder describing a typical work month. (The big question now is how do you make a getaway right, Prince?)

1 If you meet a writer, do not mention that you haven’t written a review of their book on Amazon. If you do, at best the smile you get is fake. At worst, you’ll have to hear a long story about how a writer knows if they are appealing to their readers. (Might have been better to lie, Buddy.)

Ten Things Not to Do Holding Up a Bank

~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

Bank robbery

The inspiration for this list came out of a conversation I had with Charles Yallowitz. He was mentioning a character named Frank who was not very good at bank hold ups. I thought maybe I would bring Frank back at some point and decided to give him some help should he want to get back in the bank hold up business.  Also, it was fun to imagine holding up a bank. I hope you like the list and for all law enforcement folks out there, this is fiction.

10 If you are holding up a bank, do not hand the teller a note written on the back of one of you check book deposit slips, If you do, at best you need to get the slip back. At worst, the all points bulletin will include your name, address, phone number, and the current balance of your account.(Interesting situation having a sheriff car waiting in your driveway huh, Buford?)

9 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to convince the teller your banana is a gun. If you do, at best you will be laughed out of the bank. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who has just graduated from security school and desperately wants to try his new taser is on duty. (Looks like you will be laying on the floor twitching for a while, Tex)

8 If you are holding up a bank, do not use foul language as part of the process. If you do, at best one of the customers is your fifth-grade English teacher. At worst, the security camera footage will go viral on You Tube, and your mother will wonder where you learned that language. (Kind of hard to explain it was just an act right, Bosco?)

7 If you are holding up a bank, do not try the caper during non-business hours. If you do, at best no one will notice you in ski mask and gloves trying to get in. At worst, if you do get in, all the money will be in a vault, and the alarm system has called the police.(You wonder what those guys mean by, “Come out with your hands up,” Roscoe?)

6 If you are holding up a bank, do not use someone who has been drinking as a getaway driver. If you do, At best you have to wake them up to getaway. At worst, they may plow into the police car on the corner. (The fun part was the cop had no idea a bank robbery was in progress, Buster.)

5 If you are holding up a bank and are successful, do not brag about it on Facebook. If you do, at best you have so few friends no one will notice. At worst, your post will be forwarded to the police, and you’ll be pinched. (At least the office gave you a “like,” huh Putz?)

4 If you are holding up a bank, do not try to push through a door marked “pull.” If you do, at best you’ll figure it out after a few tries. At worst, you keep bashing the door until the police arrive. (I guess you can blame nerves for your actions, Bunky.)

3 If you are holding up a bank, do not shoot your gun into the ceiling. If you do, at best you will make a clean getaway. At worst,  you will be charged with destruction of property in addition to armed robbery. (Too bad you were caught, Pard.)

2 If you are holding up a bank, do not go through a drive through for lunch while escaping. If you do, at best, your order will be filled immediately. At worst, you will be asked to pull over while your sandwich is being prepared “especially for you.” (Seems that policeman behind you in line had the same sandwich and your license number.( Those red and blue lights mean something, Ferd)

1 If you are holding up a bank, do not accept a bag of money that contains a dye pack. If you do, At best it won’t go off until you get home. At worst, the dye pack will go off as you are walking down the street trailing red smoke. (Pretty hard to try to explain the smoke to folks as you had a lunch that didn’t agree with you huh, Ralph?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Photo Shoot.

~ John W. Howell ~ 66 Comments

Top Ten Thing not to do

 

This list was inspired by my Producer. We did a shoot yesterday and the subject of Ten Things Not to Do came up. I have to admit publically that I only did number ten once.  The rest – all fiction. I hope you enjoy the list.

10. If you are on a photo shoot, do not ignore the advice of your Producer. If you do, at best you’ll have lousy photos. At worst, you’ll have bad pictures and an ex Producer. (See what happens when you ignore good advice, Pard?)

9 If you are on a photo shoot, do not take photos of people without permission. If you do, at best you may have to run fast. At worst, you will take a lovely photo of Tiny the WWF champ before he could suck in his substantial belly. (Funny how that camera turned to dust in Tiny’s hand huh, Tex?)

8 If you are on a photo shoot, do not try to get the whole picture while backing up to the edge of a cliff. If you do, at best a fence will stop you from going over. At worst, you will be catching multiple shots of the cliff face whizzing by you. (It is now time to worry about the landing, Putz.)

7 If you are on a photo shoot, do not take too many pictures of the same thing. If you do, at best you’ll waste camera memory. At worst, your producer will believe you have some kind of fixation on the object. (Sure you can explain away a building, but that person in a bikini is another matter right, Ferd?)

6 If you are on a photo shoot, do not take the shot until you check the camera settings. If you do, at best the last setting is still okay for this shot. At worst, you will get home to find the best shot of the day is a blur. (Oh don’t worry, Buford. You’ll get another chance to photograph that rare bird in flight. Maybe in the next life.)

5 If you are on a photo shoot, do not take the shot until you check the background. If you do at best, all is good. At worst, that cute puppy in the background just decided to lift a leg as you pressed the shutter button. (And of course, this is the only photo of the scene hay, Bunky?)

4 If you are on a photo shoot, do not take photos of places where you see signs that say “No Photographs.” If you do, at best you might get away with one or two with no flash. At worst, just as you are about to take the first photo, the word SECURITY shows up in your viewfinder. (That guy is big and very close to you, Buzzy.)

3 If you are on a photo shoot, do not get carried away with the scene. If you do, at best you may forget to set something. At worst, every one of your photos has the camera body strap or your thumb front and center. (Well that was fun. Maye the circus will be back next year, and you can try again, Doofus.)

2 If you are on a photo shoot, do not enter private property to take photos. If you do, at best you may be asked to leave. At worst, you might not be able to out run that gigantic bull you thought would make a great picture. (You did see the “No Trespassing – Wild Bull” sign didn’t you, Ace?)

1 If you are a photo shoot, do not ignore the weather to get your shot. If you do, at best you might get wet. At worst, that bolt lightning sure cleared your sinus. (You know not to stand in water in an electrical storm huh, Bosco?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Trail Ride

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Trail Ride

The inspiration for this list was receiving a photo of a couple who had gone on a trail ride. My last ride was in Aspen Colorado, but I still remember the experience. We were riding at 8,000 feet in the Rockies, and the sights were hard to describe. Hope you enjoy the list knowing not many of your take trail rides routinely.

10 If you are on a trail ride, do not think beach wear is appropriate on a horse. If you do, at best the little chaffing will be soothed by lotion. At worst, a cactus ride by will yield a trip to the ER. (Those thorns certainly make a mess huh, Buford?)

9 If you are on a trail ride, do not let your horse bite the mount of Tiny the WWF champ who is on a horse for the first time. If you do, at best Tiny will keep his seat. At worst, Tiny will be airborne and once he lands He’ll want to “talk” to you. (You know Tiny tends to talk with his knuckle megaphone right, Tex?)

8 If you are on a trail ride, do not think you can ignore your guide. If you do, at best you’ll not get lost. At worst, you will only be lost until the forest service helicopter spots you. ( How do you like that five-figure search and rescue bill, Ferd?)

7 If you are on a trail ride, do not think your needs are the only ones that need to be addressed. If you do, at best someone will set you straight quickly. At worst, you may find yourself walking back to base by yourself. (It might have been that statement about needing a china plate for lunch that was the last straw, Bosco.)

6 If you are on a trail ride, do not get off your horse unless the guide tells you. If you do, at best you might find a way on your own to get back on. At worst, you frightened the horses behind you, and now all are running for the barn. (Wonder why no one is talking to you, Pal?)

5 If you are on a trail ride, do not ask if there is a vegan choice for an entrée at the campfire dinner. If you do, the grizzled guide will give you a look not to be forgotten. At worst, your guide will hand you a plate that he swears is meatless.  (You should have arranged your choice ahead of time, Buster. Is that something moving in the meatless dish?)

4 If you are on a trail ride, do not forget to take water. If you don’t at best, you have to hope the guide has bottled water. At worst you’ll have to drink from the guide’s canteen. (Was that a hint of chewing tobacco backwash in that last drink, Bunky?)

3 If you are on a trail ride, do not irritate your horse. If you do, at best he won’t dump you on the trail. At worst, at 8000 feet your horse will decide to trip slightly giving you the opportunity to apologise. (The apology better be sincere, Roscoe.)

2 If you are on a trail ride, do not think you have to act like John Wayne on a cattle drive. If you do, at best your fellow riders will ignore you. At worst, yippie yi ki yay is horse language for dump this idiot. (How you got on the ground so fast, Putz?)

1 If you are on a trail ride, do not try to keep up with your texts and e-mails. If you do, at best you’ll finally lose a signal in the mountains. At worst, your horse will detect you are not paying attention and will take the opportunity to gallop to the barn early. (Looks like you are barely holding on, Roy. That screaming is very becoming as well.)