Tag: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the NFL Conference Championships

~ John W. Howell ~ 42 Comments

Playoffs

 

The inspiration for this list is a jam-packed day of American football (Notice, Dale I called out the distinction.) yesterday. Green Bay Packers/Atlanta Falcons and Pittsburgh Steelers/New England Patriots made for a mighty fine day. Of course, I am writing this before the games start since I want to see every minute. I hope you enjoy the list in retrospect.

10 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not talk smack about your team’s opponent. If you do, at best yu team will move on to the Super Bowl. At worst, you may be served a big dish of cold crow by all who heard your talk.(You were sure your team would win huh Bunky. Now you have a year of crow eating.)

9 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not plan anything important on that Sunday. If you do, at best you’ll disappoint others. At worst, you will miss the game. (Just so happened your team lost by one point as the opponents went for the extra two points with two seconds to play. Way to let them down, Tex.)

8 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not think you can run to the store for basic food and beverage items. If you do, at best you’ll get there and back before the first game. At worst you’ll join one-hundred of your fellow fans at halftime in a frenzy, fighting over the last bag of Cheetos. (Don’t be afraid. Tiny the WWF champ is asking you nicely to let go of that six-pack. He only gets mad if you ignore his growl.)

7 During the NFL Conference Championships, don’t try to grill dinner without a TV close at hand. If you do, at best you’ll miss key plays watching that steak. At worst, you planned to time the steak for the halftime but find you now have something that resembles blackened cedar plank. (You totally forgot about the meat right, Buford?)

6 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not accept an invitation to a house where you have no idea of the media capabilities of the host. If you do, at best you will try to watch the game on inferior equipment. At worst, you host was not aware of the playoffs and besides, he and his family have taken a no TV pledge.(The only set is in the garage and is a black and white rabbit-eared portable.)

5 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not try to entertain your in-laws during the game. At best, you will have a difficult time handling both assignments. At worst, your in-laws will no longer be interested in the game and will ask if they can watch the movie Heidi instead. (Well, Ferd. You did try, and now you need to turn to Heidi on this TV and go to your room.)

4 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not answer your phone. At best it will be your talkative sister who doesn’t have a clue about football. At worst, it will be your boss who has no life and has decided to call a strategy meeting that should go on until midnight.(You could have said you were sorry on Monday, Pud.)

3 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not allow anyone in your house that you don’t know. If you do, at best you will be interrupted to play host to them. At worst, just your luck the couple from your spouse’s work want to share with you the idea that they think football is a metaphor for the male dominated society and they think it should be banned, (If you knew these people you could tell them to have a big cup of shut the f*#k up huh, Pilgrim?)

2 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not try anything funny or different with your TV. If you do, at best you will only trip the circuit breaker. At worst, you will mess up enough to take out the city grid. (The news says the power will be back on around midnight, Buster. You can watch the game on your iPad provided the battery holds. If not there is always the Today show recap.Way after Al Roker and the weather.)

1 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not overserve yourself even if things are not going well for your team. If you do, at best the end of the evening may come too early. At worst, getting carried away with the game ended with a toss of your remote aimed for the referee which passed through the big screen on its one thousand mile trip. (Up till then it was an exciting game huh, Dip?)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Beach in Freezing Weather

~ John W. Howell ~ 54 Comments

Cold temps

 

The inspiration for this list is two-fold. One, we have had two nights of sub-freezing temperatures with daytime highs in the 30’s. Two, we have some people from up North who visit each winter. They are called “Winter Texans” and continually provide examples of what not to do. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not insist on wearing shorts and flip-flops. If you do, at best folks will think you are nuts. At worst, your blue knees and feet will frighten small children. (I know it’s 40 below in Minot. That is about the same temperature as 29 on the beach.)

9 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think a beach fire will offset the cold. If you do, at best one side of you will be thawed. At worst, those winds will whip embers into the bed of your pickup to meet up with that gas can you keep there. (You don’t even have a boat so what’s up with the gas can Dudley?)

8 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think the sixty-degree water will warm you if you go in. If you do, at best you’ll get the surprise of your life. At worst, you will need to call 911 and have the EMS crew standing by with thermal blankets. (Also the institution will be nice and cozy while you are under psychological observation, right Buford?)

7 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not try to salvage your vacation. If you do, at best all the games and beach toys will be useful someday. At worst, your family will not speak to you for a month. (It only took three hours to get their body temperatures back to normal, Idiot.)

6 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think that tent is going to keep you warm. If you do, at best you’ll find a nice motel room after two hours. At worst, the thirty miles per hour wind will relocate your tent to the next county. (Hard to sleep with no shelter huh Bunky?)

5 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not think that water in your camper tank will not freeze. If you do, at best you’ll need to wait for a drink. At worst, your tank which was a one piece is now two. (Amazing about that wind chill isn’t it, Camper Dan)

4 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not try to interest everyone in smores. If you do, at best the attractiveness of frozen smores is at best marginal. At worst your youngest got his tongue stuck on the metal marshmallow roasting fork. (The fire department wasn’t amused and the CPS officer wants to ask you some question about child abuse. Ferd)

3 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not try to cut the line at the packed coffee-house. If you do at best, you will be asked to leave. At worst, the guy you cut ahead of is Tiny the WWF champ who just left his anger management class after receiving an F on his final exam. (Looks like you might need some help, Buster)

2 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, do not rent a golf cart thinking it a good way to stay warm while on the beach. If you do, at best you’ll wish you had heavier coats. At worst, you will try to return the cart only to find the fee is nonrefundable. (Looks like you spent about a hundred dollars an hour for something you should not have rented in the first place.)

1 If the temperatures at the beach are below freezing, resist the temptation to cruise the beach in your big ‘ole dually pickup truck. At best, you will not see anything. At worst, you will spew enough diesel smoke to take out a pack of seagulls. (Why not just stay in your travel trailer and wait until tomorrow when it will be eighty degrees)

Top Ten Excuses Not to Use For Skipping Work

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

Ten Reasons not to go to work

 

The inspiration for this list comes from the memory of having to return to the day job after a long weekend like we are having now. It seems the wounds are just beginning to heal and it is time to go back to battle only to be reopened again. This list has been developed so that the temptation to stay home on Tuesday is successfully avoided.

Top Ten Excuses Not to Use For Skipping Work

10 If you want to skip work, do not tell the boss your dog ate your driver’s license. If you do,  at best your boss will wonder why you can’t take public transportation. At worst, your boss will send a car only to discover that you are still in your pajamas. (What made you think the boss was going to be working and allow you to stay home huh, Bunky?)

9 If you want to skip work, do not call in holding your nose to support your sickness claim. If you do, at best the boss will think you were overserved over the holiday. At worst, you will get a call from human resources with your appointment at the substance abuse treatment center. (That went well didn’t it, Bosco?)

8 If you want to skip work, do not blame the weather for not getting to the office. If you do, at best you will be the only one not at the office. At worst, the weather that you thought was going to hit your town moved out of the area. (Here you are looking at the sun trying to explain the absence of snow, sleet, and ice. Better luck next time, Buford.)

7 If you want to skip work, do not blame a mechanical failure of your auto. If you do, at best some boss sycophant will volunteer to come get you. At worst, you’ll be at the drive through for lunch, and your boss will be in the car behind you. (At least you got the morning before you magically made the repair. Right Bucky?)

6 If you want to skip work, do not pretend you are out-of-town, and the planes are all grounded. If you do, at best there will be some bad weather somewhere, and you picked it right. At worst, just after hanging up with the boss, a newscast will come on extolling the fact that for the first time ever there were no flight delays. (Well, you will have an additional story to tell tomorrow. Right Bud. How about the fact that your plane was hijacked?)

5 If you want to skip work, do not use the excuse that your spouse is ill and needs care. If you do, at best the sympathy calls will give you little rest. At worst, the knowledge of the collection at work and the bouquet of flowers that shows up in the afternoon convince you to quit. (This was not the outcome you wanted. Or was it. Roscoe?)

4 If you want to skip work, do not report to the boss that you are telecommuting. If you do, at best you will get some additional assignments and be forced to work anyway. At worst, you will get a critical call that goes unanswered which triggers a massive shutdown of IT systems. (You forgot about the fail-safe hacking control. It is a shame since you set it up, Bubba)

3 If you want to skip work, do not report you have an off-site meeting with a customer. At best, you can always say the client canceled the meeting. At worst, you get a call from the boss who decided to meet you at the customer’s office letting you know the client is in Bangkok. (Now is the time to try to carry off the fact that you are in Bangkok as well. Good luck with that, Rube)

2 If you want to skip work, do not set up an elaborate scheme that includes throwing a punch at Tiny the WWF Champion. If you do, at best the detailed plan will fall through. At worst, your stay in the hospital will not compensate for the one day off. (Why you decided to throw a punch at Tiny is still being debated in the halls of the company. You did pick up some street cred, though, Buddy.)

1 If you want to skip work, do not enlist fellow workers as co-conspirators in whatever excuse you decide to use. If you do, at best you will owe the favor. At worst, the boss will get a confession out of the weakest link, and you will be given up in a heartbeat. (I guess you could have predicted the result. Couldn’t you Sucker?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Boarding your Pet

~ John W. Howell ~ 42 Comments

Pet sitter

Photo: http://www.mollythecatlady.com

The inspiration for this list is the fact that a lot of folks are traveling for the holidays. Not every pet is comfortable with going along, so many owners place their pets in a boarding facility. Here are a few hints to keep the outside world from thinking you have clearly lost your mind. Yes, parting with your pet into the care of others is traumatic, but we need to exercise some element of dignity when surrendering the fur baby.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Boarding Your Pet

10 If you are boarding your pet, do not deliver them dressed in an outrageous costume. If you do, at best it may get lost. At worst, your pet will be marked as the one belonging to a crazy old person who thinks their pet is a child. ( Did you ever wonder why your pet is depressed when you come back. Huh Ferd?)

9 If you are boarding your pet, do not ask to meet all the other pets to see if there are any undesirables in the group. if you do, at best the staff will be too busy to accommodate you. At worst, you will see some characters that will give you nightmares. (This isn’t a country club, Bunky. Your pet has to face the reality of the real world)

8 If you are boarding your pet, do not try to make friends with other pets by passing out treats. If you do, at best the staff will ask you to stop. At worst, one of the pets getting a treat happens to be allergic to everything. (Looks like Tiny the WWF champion is heading your way after helping Brutus get rid of the treat. Hope that automatic door is working)

7 If you are boarding your pet, do not hand the staff a long list of things they need to do to make your pet happy. If you do, at best the list will hit the basket the moment you leave. At worst, the staff will realize that to take in your pet may be a monumental liability that they cannot accept. (Now you have nowhere else to go, Buster, since you’ve been banned from every other kennel.)

6 If you are boarding your pet, do not overstate the ability of your pet to get along well with others. If you do, at best your pet will be quarantined from playtime. At worst, you will be called back from your trip to answer a summons relating to your unfriendly pet. (Maybe you can explain to the court that to your knowledge your Great Dane never had a taste for Dashound.)

5 If you are boarding your pet, do not insist on leaving a picture of the family to keep it company. If you do, at best the staff will lose the image. At worst, your pet will not appreciate having to share the cramped space with the photo. (Wonder how it got so wet Buford?)

4 If you are boarding your pet, do not think by paying extra for a live video feed you have the right to call the facility at all hours of the night. If you do, at best your calls will go to voicemail. At worst, you will be banned from this facility and asked to come get your pet. (This is the last one in town Raymond. What are you going to do now?)

3 If you are boarding your pet, do not spend an inordinate amount of time saying goodbye, If you do, at best the staff will need to get your pet settled and may tell you to go. At worst, your pet will wonder what is going on and may have an anxiety attack. (Not a pretty picture of you and your pet sobbing on the floor of the reception area.)

2 If you are boarding your pet, do not include all their favorite toys. If you do, at best your pet will not play with most. At worst, other pets will find the toys more enjoyable, and they will be lost to the pack forever. (Makes you wonder how the toys got out into the general population.  Right Slick?)

1 If you are boarding your pet,  do not forget to have all the immunizations up to date. If you do, at best the facility has a resident vet and can take care of that for you. At worst, you will be canceling your trip since no facility will allow you entry. (Well too bad those tickets are not refundable)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Holiday Parties

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

Holiday party

 

The inspiration for this list has been an adult life-long fascination with human interactions. There is no time like the holidays to go out and get an actual feeling of how people interrelate. I may have published some of these points under a different context, but it still bears repeating some of the advice again. I cannot swear I haven’t done any of these but don’t think so. Also a message to the Yale School of Psychology. This is all in fun and should not be used as part of the curriculum dealing with Holiday stress. With that disclaimer here we go.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Holiday Party by John W. Howell © 2016

10 At a holiday party, do not assume because the drinks are free you can have all you want. If you do, at best you will find the next morning that the drinks were not free after all. At worst, you might wake up in the guest room bathtub and have no idea how you got there. (Your host was very pleased when you locked the door to the only bathroom in the house. Too bad the pounding on the door didn’t give you a hint, Bunky.)

9 At a holiday party, do not think an informal atmosphere will lend itself to getting closer to your boss. If you do, At best, you will only say one stupid thing. At worst, you wake up at 3:00 am realizing you told your boss exactly what you thought of the latest project. (Now you also remember the hurt look on the boss’ face since it was a pet project. Maybe you can say you had a brain aneurysm huh Ferd?)

8 At a holiday party, do not double dip from the crab spread. If you do, at best no one will notice, and you’ll be safe. At worst, unfortunately, you chose the moment when the boss was doing a video panorama and are now a piece of history. (The playback at the office caused a noticeable groan from your co-workers and several grabbed their zinc inhaler. Why you had to sneeze right after the double dip is anybody’s guess.)

7 At a holiday party, do not think of arriving without a host gift. If you do, at best you might be able to sneak in unnoticed. At worst, the host had requested in the invitation to bring an unwrapped toy for a needy child. (That will teach you to ignore letters. You never sent an RSVP either did you, Buster?)

6 At a holiday party, do not think everyone wants to sing carols. If you do, at best you may be doing a solo. At worst, you will be so annoying that the host will ask his cousin Tiny with WWF champ to see you to the door. (Tiny’s method of seeing people to the door is very similar to his winning body slam in the ring. Don’t worry nothing’s broken. It’s all fake remember?)

5 At a holiday party, do not try to get away with bringing a  cheap bottle of wine as a gift. If you do, at best no one will see you set it down.At worst, your host will thank you and suggest that you open it immediately to share with the guests. (Two-buck Chuck is so well-known Oscar that your face is now the color of the wine.)

4 At a holiday party, do not attempt to have controversial discussions with each conversation. If you do, at best you’ll end up talking to the dog. At worst, you’ll spark a debate that will ultimately engulf the entire room and eventually lead to the arrival of a SWAT team. (Well you did learn that politics is a hot subject didn’t you, Bucky?)

3 At a holiday party, do not think you have to entertain everyone with your jokes. If you do, at best you’ll find out quickly you are no Henny Youngman. At worst, most in attendance will enquire of the host about that strange person who is not funny. (The beautiful thing is your boss’ boss took down your name which should lead to some good stuff. Maybe at the next company huh, Milton?)

2 At a holiday party, do not suggest that everyone go out into the snow to see how beautiful the lights look. If you do, at best no one will follow you. At worst, your host will open the front door and promptly slam and lock it after you are gone. (It seemed like a good idea at the time didn’t it, Roscoe?. Now you need to call and get your shoes back.)

1 At a holiday party, do not ignore someone who asks for your keys. If you do, at best you will be breaking the law. At worst, you could be responsible for hurting yourself and more importantly an innocent victim. (Obviously, we all should remember not to drink and drive this holiday season.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Holiday Shopping

~ John W. Howell ~ 44 Comments

Holiday shopping

 

The inspiration for this list came from many visits to the retail world. Not that I have done all these things, but have seen them in real life.

Ten Things Not to Do While Holiday Shopping

10 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not even think of stealing a parking place. If you do, at best you might beat out an old lady. At worst, you may come back to a car that is only six inches tall. (Tiny the WWF champ took exception to you cutting him off to get his space)

9 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not help yourself from the Salvation Army pot. If you do, at best you’ll get a lump of coal as a present. At worse, you might be face to face with a furious Santa. (That gun was a surprise huh Ferd? Why do you think they use the term, “Army?”)

8 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not hog the gift wrap counter. If you do, at best the line behind you is short and filled with pacifists. At worst, you might be facing an unruly mob being lead by some jerk who keeps yelling, “Get a rope.”(Trading your gifts for freedom was an excellent idea, Rube)

7 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not ask passers-by their opinion on how something would look on your spouse.  If you do, at best their answers will be suspect. At worse, you might encounter a fragile soul who just left a personnel review at work and the biggest criticism was their inability to make a decision. (You sure got to witness what the term “Going Postal” means didn’t you Buford?)

6 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not wait until the last-minute. If you do, at best you will have to settle for less than what you wanted to give. At worst, your state f panic will escalate to the point that you are throwing money at anything that looks or smells expensive. (The Bengal tiger seemed like the perfect gift yesterday. Has anyone seen grandma?)

5 If you are shopping for the holidays, do not ask a stranger to take your family holiday card photo in front of the gigantic mall tree. If you do, at best you might have a close up of the stranger’s finger. At worst, the stranger might decide to give a camera just like yours as a gift. (Funny how that person disappeared into the crowd hey Bunkie?)

4 If you are holiday shopping, do not wear a Santa hat and that ugly holiday sweater. If you do, at best most will think you’ve escaped from the home. At worst, the local news affiliate will feature you on the nightly news during their “Hard Luck Holiday Stories” segment. (Although all the packages and free food that showed up at your door is a bonus)

3 If you are holiday shopping, do not think a long stop at the local bar is the place to start. If you do, at best you’ll skip the shopping till tomorrow. At worse, you will buy almost everything you see. (The only thing that stopped you was your credit card company insisting that the BMW dealer confiscate and cut up your card)

2 If you are holiday shopping, do not hire a personal shopper to do the work for you. If you do, at best your instructions will be followed. At worst, your personal shopper disagrees with your choices and take matters into their own hands. (Just how is little Jimmy going to be able to play that video game when he is only six months old?)

1 If you are holiday shopping, do not try to accompany your spouse on the same trip. If you do, at best they will always know where you’ve been. At worst, they know where you’ve been and do not approve, and you will be back to square one. (You did save two dollars on gas though tight wad)

Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town

~ John W. Howell ~ 41 Comments

 

Top Ten

The inspiration for this list was a traveling spouse two weeks ago. She was visiting the youngest for an extended weekend. I say the inspiration was her visit, nothing in this list pertains to me. Ahem.

Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town

10 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not organize an all-night card party. If you do, at best there will be minor damage which can be covered up. At worst, the guest who never drinks decides to have too much of a dark red Cabernet just before passing out holding a full glass on your significant other’s favorite white couch. (You might as well set fire to the house right now.)

9 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not decide to make up and work on your own to do list. If you do, at best you might get one thing on the list right. At worst, you will finish the list only to discover that all the items were things your significant other wanted to do. (Well you now have a big problem since you know all the things need to be redone.)

8 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not even think of not doing dishes. If you don’t do them, at best the homecoming will be less joyous. At worst, that heavy trash can is a hint that your dirty dishes no longer exist. (Could have saved yourself on this one Bunkie. You were warned.)

7 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not take the kids or dogs for a new haircut. If you do, at best you will have to repeat the rule on which part of parenting you are not responsible. At worst, you will end up at the hair cutter demanding another cut. (You also have orders not to pay another red. So now you have to hide the payment as well.)

6 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not rearrange the furniture. If you do, at best your significant other will trip and fall over the ottoman which wasn’t there before. At worst, deep relationship issues around communication change could result. (You didn’t know the depth of insecurity there did you.)

5 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not think putting the spices in alphabetical order is a good idea. If you do, at best your significant other will be confused at first but catch on. At worst, you will be asked one hundred times to locate the chili powder. (Some people just don’t get the idea of chili powder being under  “C” and not “P” no matter how many time you explain it to Tiny who as WWF world wrestling Champ should get it.)

4 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not use treats to get the kids or pets to behave. If you do, at best they will rat you out immediately upon the significant other’s return. At worst, you will have created a behavior modification system that will require increasing amounts of treats to sustain. (It is like being on a substance abuse treadmill isn’t it Grover.)

3 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not lock yourself out of the house. If you do, at best you can convince one of the kids to open the door. At worst, you will become increasingly hysterical as your darling children not only refuse to open the door but decide to begin playing chef with your butane Cream Brule caramelizing torch. (Try explaining this one, Buford.)

2 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not forget to follow the plant watering instructions to the letter. If you do forget, at best the droops will go away after you do remember. At worst, you spot the prize orchid taking a dive just as your significant other pulls into the driveway. (This was the orchid that would have taken first place at the flower show which your spouse has been working on for over a year. It just doesn’t get any worse.)

1 If your significant other is out-of-town, do not expect a souvenir. If you do, at best your reward will be a small bottle of conditioner from Days Inn. At worst, you will get a T-shirt that reads, “My significant other went to Las Vegas, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt” that will be two sizes too small. (Another car polish rag, right Ralph?)

Ten Things Not to Do During a Full Moon

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

 

 

Full Moon

Since last night the Hunter’s Moon was full, I was inspired to give some thought as to what we should never do during a full moon. I hope you enjoy it. Oh, for you scientists out there this is all made up. I write fiction, so when looking for truth, I would suggest anyplace, but here.

Ten Things Not to Do During a Full Moon

by John W. Howell © 2016

10 If there is a full moon, do not go into a graveyard just to see what will happen. If you do, at best you will challenge your all time best heart rate. At worst, the total recall of Blair Witch Project will have you running for your life. (So you thought you had everything under control didn’t you?)

9 If there is a full moon, do not ask that cloaked stranger for directions. If you do, at best it will be too distracted by the moon to answer you. At worst, it will offer you a ride which is your last. (Those hairy hands should have been a big clue)

8 If there is a full moon, do not back into any rooms period. If you do, at best you might trip and fall. At worst, that snarling thing that you thought you saw in the backyard is now on your back. (Every movie goer knows better, Bunkie)

7 If there is a full moon, do not act on the urge to make hay. If you do, at best there won’t be a lot of grass where you live. At worst, the farmer will think you are poaching his hay and call the police. (Or worse yet use that rock salt-loaded shotgun to clear his field.)

6 if there is a full moon, do not think your neighbors would appreciate a serenade about the moon and a spoon. If you do think so, at best you will suddenly realize why the term “rotten tomatoes,” is used to rate talent. At worst, the magistrate will have a tough time trying to justify letting you go free. (Maybe the psychological evaluation will put everyone at ease)

5 If there is a full moon, resist the urge to skinny dip. If you can’t, at best a quick dip with no one, the wiser will be your fate. At worst, after the dog takes your clothes and you are chasing him the spotlight of your neighbor’s security system bathes you in the light of high noon. (There is a tape that goes with that light, and your neighbor has a pretty high price tag on it)

4 If there is a full moon, under no circumstances do you need to harvest anything. If this advice falls on deaf ears, at best stick with canned goods. At worst, your quest for a fresh pumpkin at Whole Foods after hours could net you a free night in the county lock-up.( Your roommate Tiny is just not the type to feel good about you after the slamming cell door at midnight.)

3 If there is a full moon, do not argue with the traffic officer who just pulled you over. If you do, at best you’ve guaranteed yourself a ticket. At worst, the officer may be a graduate of an anger management treatment series. (Seems that his events are always triggered during a full moon)

2 If there is a full moon, do not enter a political chat room with the idea of defending your choice for President. If you do, at best you will be able to turn off your computer. At worst, somehow the room has discovered your real identity and are threatening to come right over. (Looks like you might need to leave town for a while huh Grover?)

1 If there is a full moon, do not answer your door or your phone. If you do, at best it will be someone you know. At worst, there will be a character you’ve never known saying, “I know what you did last summer.” (Yeah, this one is bad. You need to run now.)

Ten Things Not to Do on a Sunday

~ John W. Howell ~ 46 Comments

Sunday

 

The inspiration for this list is the belief that everyone should take at least one day to recoup energy. My time of choice is Sunday. The items on this list are here as a result of observations that others believe differently about Sunday.

10 If it is Sunday, do not start a plumbing self-repair job. If you do, at best it will go well. At worst, you will have somehow caused a major flow of water which can’t be stopped until Monday. (Good luck, chief. All the plumbers are off today and that 24/7 emergency repair line has been busy for twelve hours)

9 If it is Sunday, do not mow your lawn. If you do, at best you will only lose a couple of friends. At worst, you will get a visit from Tiny (The WWF world champion) who has a severe case of sleep apnea, and you just woke him up from his first nap in days. (I would use those new Nike’s for speed Buster)

8 If it is Sunday, refrain from using that shop vac to clean out your car. If you use it, at best most of your neighbors will be at church or inside and won’t hear it. At worst, the one neighbor who has anger issues which are triggered by high pitch sounds will decide to silence your machine forever. (Too bad he took out the entire electrical line when he ripped the plug out of the wall.)

7 If it is Sunday, do not drive by the church on your way to the golf course or brunch. If you do, at best the service will be underway and all inside. At worst, you get there just as the congregation gets out all excited about today’s sermon which was about rescuing the lost sheep from sin. (Yup. You now are on everyone’s list as a lamb to save. Good luck with peace and quiet for the next three weeks.)

6 If it is Sunday, fight the urge to use that new chainsaw. If you lost the battle, at best your cutting will be short and sweet. At worst, you will find you have gotten into a cutting situation where the tree looks like it will fall in the wrong direction which will be either on your house or you. (Don’t call for help Bunkie cause no one will come.)

5 If it is Sunday, do not use any sharp objects. If you do, at best you will have no injuries. At worst, you will do your usual self-infliction and have to go to Doc in the Box for help. (Guess who is on duty at the clinic? I’ll give you a hint. The doc is the lowest in seniority and least experienced.)

4 If it is Sunday, do not rush to a restaurant without a reservation. If you do, at best you will have quite a wait as others had the same idea. At worst, the restaurant is not open on Sunday. (WTF don’t they know it is all about you?)

3 If it is Sunday, do not try to watch a football game and finish that last chapter of your novel. If you do, at best both events will be a bust. At worst, you will have a last chapter that reads like an ESPN broadcast. ( “Her hero tried valiantly for the extra effort but was crushed by the overwhelming size and weight of the opposing warriors. The decision was made to go for a final charge, and he breached the line and scored.”)

2 If it is Sunday, do not decide to take in a movie at the last-minute. If you do, at best you won’t see the film you want because of the crowd. At worst, you will need to wait in line for a possible hit on the ten o’clock showing. (“Man where did all these people come from? I can’t believe these people have nothing to do today.” Yeah believe it)

1 If it is Sunday, and you live near me. Please take the time to relax. If you don’t, at best, I’ll put up with the noise for a time. At worst, I’ll write you into a Top Ten post or even worse, one of my novels. (In the novel the outcome won’t be so good either.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show

~ John W. Howell ~ 25 Comments

 

 

MustangThe inspiration for this list came as I was walking around the Mustangfest on Saturday. I swear all of these are made up, and I did not use actual personal experiences to compile this list. Hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Auto Show.

10 If you attend an auto show, do not touch the cars. If you do at best, you will be reminded not to do it. At worst, that tall guy with the polish cloth heading in your direction has orders to use his knuckles if necessary to keep people back from the cars. (Just your luck, his T-shirt has “Punch First, Ask Second,” silkscreened on the front)

9 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the owner how much was spent on the restoration. If you do, at best you’ll get a vague answer like “too much.” At worst, you will get an actual number that is said within earshot of the owner’s spouse followed by a round of bickering. (You can’t escape this one and find yourself on the receiving end of blows from both.)

8 If you attend an auto show, do not insist on a ride in one of the cars. If you do, at best the owner will try to ignore you. At worst, the owner will call security to have you escorted out. (Security just happens to be handled by the Oakland California chapter of the Hell Angles. Yes, Tiny is President and happy to help you out.)

7 if you attend an auto show, do not take pictures of cars and people without permission. If you do, at best you’ll be kindly asked to stop. At worst, you can reclaim your camera in stall one of the men’s room. (It is amazing how low the level of tolerance was when you snapped that flash into the face of the big guy  asking you to stop.)

6 If you attend an auto show, do not set a beverage container on a car. If you do, at best you will be asked to leave. At worst, you will cause an apoplectic reaction from the owner that will require an EMS intervention. (I’ll bet you never saw that shade of red on a human face before did you? Oh, by the way, Tiny was asking around for you.)

5 If you attend an auto show, do not point out flaws in the car to the owner. If you do, at best the owner will walk away. At worst, you will have said enough to trigger the set point for past anger issues and the consequences will be noisy at best. (You never knew you could run that fast especially through crowds of people. How were you to know this was the owner’s fist day out of the institution.)

4 If you attend an auto show, do not open anything on the car that isn’t already open. If you do, at best you will be asked kindly to leave the vehicle alone. At worst, you will open the door, lid, or hatch to a potentially embarrassing situation. (How did you know seven days of laundry was in that trunk?)

3 If you attend an auto show, do not let the children run free. If you do, at best they will behave as you have taught them. At worst, that all day sucker that is missing will show up inside the award-winning convertible. (The sad part is your child cries out, “Hey that’s my sucker” as the man is trying to remove it from his white leather seat. The crowd now turns to you.)

2 If you attend an auto show, do not ask the car owner’s spouse about the family participation in the hobby. If you do, at best you will get a short reply that broadcasts resentment. At worst, you’ll get an invitation to have a drink that will turn into a four-hour complaint session resulting in a slurred outburst against the whole idea. (Another fine fix you are in hey, Bbunkie. You are lucky not to be named a co-respondent in the divorce.)

1 If you attend an auto show, do not attempt to impress the muscle car owner with the performance attributes of your Prius. If you do, at best the scoff with give you a hint to move on. At worst, the owner will call a few friends over so that there will be an audience to witness the put-down. (What ever made you think muscle car love had anything to do with fuel economy?)