Tag: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Full Moon Campfire on the Beach

~ John W. Howell ~ 46 Comments

 

Moon Rise

The inspiration for this post has been my attendance at some full moon campfires on the beach. Now I know everyone who will read this will not have the opportunity to attend some full moon campfires, but you never know and should be prepared. A full moon bonfire event usually has a collection of friends, a little food, and some adult beverages. The idea is to celebrate the moonrise with companionship and good cheer.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Full Moon Campfire on the Beach.

10 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not over rotate the demonstration of your fire building skills. If you do, at best your neighbors and friends will wonder if you have some problem with fire. At worst, the conflagration generated will take a company of firefighters and several thousands of dollars to get under control and damage repaired. (Boy, that gasoline sure went up quick didn’t it baldy?)

9 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think volume alone will get everyone to like your selection of music. If you do, at best no one will hear you when you ask how they like the music. At worst, the accidental slip of your boombox into the tub of ice will generate a standing ovation. (You are just now beginning to suspect the fall wasn’t so accidental)

8 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not take the opportunity to talk non-stop about your favorite subject. If you do, at best you will end up talking to yourself. At worst, the generous folks who have put up with you for the last four full moon campfires will finally crack and will offer you a big cup of ” shut the f**k up.” (Wow! Where did that come from huh pilgrim?)

7 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not bring some exotic dish that only a food crank could love. If you do at best, you will have plenty of leftovers for tomorrow. At worst, someone will take a taste of your dish and ask loudly “who brought the dog food?” (So everyone didn’t care for charbroiled, sustainable, line-caught, tofu but did they have to be insulting?)

6 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think you need to consume your weight in an adult beverage. If you do at best, you will fall asleep before anything embarrassing happens. At worst, you will be living down the suggestion that everyone go skinny dipping in the Gulf. (The funny part is  you were the only one and that moon was the brightest.)

5 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think you need to instruct everyone on the fine art of marshmallow roasting. If you do, at best most will ignore your technique and burn them anyway. At worst, the youngsters will now see you as that old fart who doesn’t know how to mind their own business. ( Halloween will be the time for the payback)

4 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not misplace your shoes. If you do, at best you will give the impression that you have lost your faculties as well. At worst, while searching in the dark, you will have stepped any number of beasties not to mention that corkscrew that old man Jenkins dropped last month.(Makes you wonder why you didn’t just keep them on doesn’t it?)

3 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not scream at every passing vehicle to slow down. (This is in Texas only where driving on the beach is allowed) If you do, at best you will lose your voice in a half hour. At worst, that hulk of a guy getting out of the truck happens to be named Tiny and just broke up with his girlfriend who used to tell him to slow down all the time. ( I guess you know how to pick ’em huh?)

2 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not think you need that twenty million candlepower military surplus flashlight. If you do, at best those you illuminate won’t pass out. At worst, that helicopter above you from homeland security is thinking the source of the light is a danger and is requesting permission to let go with the equivalent of a thousand gallon water balloon. (Good thing you wore your bathing suit Bunky.)

1 If you are at a full moon campfire, do not believe all the attendees will benefit from a full lecture on the type and history of this full moon. If you do, most will ignore what you have to say and will keep offering you a drink. At best, you will be looking at the moon and discussing the fine points without noticing the group has moved fire and all a quarter of a mile away. (You thought they were are stunned into silence by your brilliance didn’t you Professor? (Sure is lonely at the top.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Labor Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 35 Comments

Labor Day

 

In honor of Labor Day and since I’m currently preparing for the launch of Our Justice, I’ve decided to use the same blog as last year and boil the top ten list down to the most important items. Let’s all remember those who make our lives easier and more pleasant. The remembrance includes we authors.

Top Ten Things Not to do on Labor Day

10 through 1

On Labor Day have fun but do not drink and drive. If you do, at best you are a fool. At worst, you could hurt or kill an innocent person not to mention your guilty self.

Happy Labor Day all.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in the Heat

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

Hot Earth

 

The inspiration for this list is the unrelenting heat here in South Texas. (And all over) We have had eight weeks of hot weather and no rain. Normally on the coast, we have the advantage of the Gulf breezes which serve to keep the daytime highs at no more than 89 degrees. Now that may seem warm but compared to the 106 degree inland temperatures 89 feels fresh. Lately, the temperatures have gone above 90 degrees and coupled with humidity; we have been looking at heat indexes of 111 to 113 degrees.

I will admit this list is by design a little overstated and the product of a fiction writer. So natural questions like, “Who would do that there thing?” (avoiding ending the sentence with a preposition) should be tempered with the fact that I MAKE THIS STUFF UP IN MY HEAD.

Ten Things Not to Do in the Heat.

10 If you are in the heat, do not decide to fire your pottery. If you do, at best the 1000 degree oven will win.  At worst, you might be forced to take fluids intravenously. (Man, that drip sure gets in the way hey Bunkie?)

9 If you are in the heat, do not do the yard work promised last winter. If you do, at best you will lose intelligence points at home. At worst, that elevated heart beat is signalling you to proceed to the nearest ER. (Too bad no one is at home to drive you, Sport)

8 If you are in the heat, do not tackle that welding project. If you do, at best you may lose weight. At worst, the third-degree burns on your face are in sharp contrast to the non-burned places where your goggles were in place. (A little aloe vera gel might help cool that down.)

7 If you are in the heat, do not volunteer to help out as a crossing guard at the school. If you do, at best the soaking wet shirt makes an interesting statement which the PTA would like to discuss in person. At worst, your memory will always be kept alive in the crossing guard Hall of Fame for not dropping your stop sign as you went down. (What a great testimonial to dedication. Sorry you missed it)

6 If you are in the heat, do not think it was a good idea to carry ice cream home for a treat. If you do, at best you can still enjoy the Oreo chunks which are all that is left. At worst, tucking the ice cream into your recyclable bag along with your wallet proved to be a mistake on several levels. (Handing the police your ice cream soaked license was a big mistake. “I had to get home officer before the ice cream melted.”)

5 If you are in the heat, do not think several adult beverages will help you stay cool. If you do, at best you may be hot but can’t feel a thing. At worst, you overdo it and realize you slept in the yard all night. (Don’t worry about those mosquito bites. The swelling will go down, and you will be able to see in a day or two.)

4 If you are in the heat, do not think sitting in water all day will spare you from suffering. If you do, at best you will suffer prune body. At worst, you will need help getting out of the water since you absorbed many gallons and now weigh over three hundred pounds. (The six o’clock news has the entire rescue recorded for replay at ten o’clock as well.)

3 If you are in the heat, do not decide to take up running as an exercise. If you do, at best you will faint after two blocks. At worst, you will finish a five-mile run and have to take three weeks off work to recover. ( Who was that person who gave you a lift home anyway?)

2 If you are in the heat, do not decide to use your super big grill and smoker. If you do, at best you will choose to finish everything in the oven in the house. At worst, you will have created an environment that is hotter than the hinges on the gates to hell, and you can’t get cool. ( Chugging the five-gallon water cooler bottle might help. Maybe not.)

1 If you are in the heat, do not think your pets have some magic immunity to the high temperatures. If you do, at best you may need to cool them off quickly. At worst, you may need to get them to the nearest vet for emergency treatment. (Okay, this one is serious and all too often people forget to keep their pets (and children sorry to say) protected from the effects of high temperatures.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a GYM (or Workout Club)

~ John W. Howell ~ 40 Comments

 

Workout Meme

Having been a member of a gym for some years, I managed to observe some annoying habits of other attendees. Since I no longer have access to a fitness facility I want to dedicate this blog to y’all. (you know who you are)

10 If you are working out, do not leave the equipment covered in sweat. If you do, at best you’ll earn the club gross-out award. At worst, you might have a discussion with Tiny the club rules enforcer. (Tiny tends to talk with his fists, and you could be looking at an incoming knuckle sandwich.)

9 If you are working out, do not do your stretches in a way that blocks others use of a machine. If you do, at best you may find yourself blocked at some point. At worst, a brave soul may only knock you out of the way and use the machine. (You would argue but it looks like they outweigh you by 100 pounds and they are wearing a WWF champion belt)

8 If you are working out, do not wear week-old workout clothes. If you do, at best you’ll have plenty of workout space to yourself. At worst, the membership will take up a collection and present you with the “Sponsor a homeless person”  check for twenty-five dollars. (Pretty embarrassing getting into your BMW after the ceremony isn’t it.)

7 If you are working out, do not drop the bar of weights on the floor. If you do, at best the population will take cover thinking an earthquake is in progress. At worst, you happen to hit the floor weak spot, and you and the bar of weights wake up in the basement. (You have to wonder why no one seems to care that you are missing.)

6 If you are working out, do not sing along to the music in your earbuds. If you do, at best the rest of the club will think you’ve lost your mind. At worst, Someone will call 911 thinking you are in excruciating pain and are in the throes of a heart attack. (You might as well go with the EMT’s since they are trained to subdue crazies who resist.)

5 If you are working out, don’t brag about your weight loss. If you do, at best those who might have considered being a friend are long gone. At worst, you will brag to the wrong person who has a medical condition coupled with a psychotic episodes triggered by the word “loss.” (Running fast was never your strong suit was it?)

4 If you are working out, do not flirt with the instructor. If you do, at best the instructor will do their best to stay away from you. At worst, the instructor will think you may be the love of their life. (Only now do you find out the instructor is on a work release program after an episode with a former student.)

3 If you are working out, do not try to hoard as many clean towels as you can fit in your locker. If you do, at best others will know and treat you like a thief. At worst, security will pay you a visit just as you open your towel stuffed locker. (Talking fast doesn’t seem to help does it?)

2 If you are working out, do not make grunting noises as you do your reps. If you do, at best the room will think you’re obsessed. At worst the management will send Tiny to discuss proper decorum in the gym. (Seems a lot of folks thought your grunts were a little too personal.)

1 If you are working out, do not make a habit of filling up more than one water bottle at the fountain. If you do, at best the long line will consist of those who have come to hate you. At worst, the tall guy behind you will cease to be able to control his desire to act on an urge to drown you in the very same fountain. (Wow! “Where did that come from?” You ask.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a High School Reunion – Replay

~ John W. Howell ~ 34 Comments

As you may know, I have taken a temporary assignment in organized commerce. I have been entirely consumed in that task so if you will forgive me I’m running a Top Ten Things Not to Do from the past. Next week may not be so hectic, so I will get some new material together (I hope)

This one ran last year on July 16th. I hope you enjoy the replay.

High School Reunion
This list is as a result of seeing some high school reunion photos and messages on some social media sites. I have never attended a high school reunion, so the information captured here has been matters of here say and recounting of others about their reunion.

Top Ten Thing Not to do at a High School Reunion

10 If you attend a high school reunion, do not pose for photos that you don’t know where they will end up. If you do at best, the photos will only be traded among classmates. At worst, they will end up on the “what the not to wear, eat, or drink” website.(Which will go viral and you’ll be getting calls from the Today show to appear on their segment called EXCESS)

9 If you attend a high school reunion, do not pretend to be what you are not. If you do, at best your little fib will be seen as a joke. At worst, your profile on the class newsletter will be featured under the title Most Successful Grad. (Which will be picked up by the news services and published by your newspaper)

8 If you attend a high school reunion, do not bring a date that you do not know simply because they are beautiful. If you do, at best your charade will be found out early with no consequences. At worst, your date will discover the actual reason you brought them and will make an exit and a scene remembered for the next five reunions. (Only you passing away will halt the story telling)

7 If you attend a high school reunion, do not rent an expensive car for your grand entrance. If you do, at best you will look overly anxious to impress and get the opposite reaction. At worst, the valet will take your rental car for a spin and inadvertently leave the side chrome on the street fleeing a hit and run accident. (Which you will easily be able to explain to the judge)

6 If you attend a high school reunion, do not try to hide the fact that you don’t remember everyone’s name. If you do, at best you will look like a fool trying to check name tags without being caught. At worst, you will call someone by a different name, and the name will be associated by that person to an old flame or rival. (You will have lots a bunch of points on that one)

5 If you attend a high school reunion, do not take this time to argue fine points about your grades with your old teachers. If you do, at best the teachers will wish they had flunked you. At worst, one of them may remember you failed to turn in that assignment in the eleventh grade that will require you to repeat the course and nullify your high school diploma. (Try explaining that to your boss)

4 If you attend a high school reunion, do not think your old flame wants to begin where you left off just by smiling at you. If you do, at best you will be embarrassed to learn they are happily married. At worst, you will be a little too forward thinking all is forgiven only to be arrested as you leave the building for assault. ( Gotta remember no means no)

3 If you attend a high school reunion, do not assume the free drinks at the bar carry no consequences. If you do, at best you may exhibit a little tipsiness that everyone will think is cute. At worst, you will have the honor and resulting infamy of passing out on top of the Congratulations Class cake. (The clothes you’re wearing belong to your roommate as well.)

2 If you go to a high school reunion, do not offer to be part of the planning committee for the next one. If you do, at best everyone will forget your offer. At worst, you will be appointed chairperson with all the rights and responsibilities to make the nest one the best ever. (You will also want to get a Xanax prescription)

1 If you go to a high school reunion, do not tell everyone you meet that “we must get together.” If you do at best, they will all wonder if you are having a breakdown. At worst, the ones you least want to see will stay in touch long enough to cop a free overnight on their way through your town. (Plus they have some kind of foot infection that requires you to burn your sheets when they leave)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at an Organic Supermarket

~ John W. Howell ~ 34 Comments

Organic Food Store

The inspiration for this list is many visits to organic chain supermarkets. I’m usually there because I like a brand of wine that the chain carries. Of course, living on an island means when I drive the 360 miles round trip, I want to linger and observe other activities. I hope you like the list.

10 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not secretly pop samples into your mouth from the bulk food section. If you do, at best you may ingest a foreign object. At worst, you will be caught and weighed before being charged the $10.00 a pound going rate.(Had to wonder what that walk on scale was for, huh Bo-Bo?)

9 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not block the aisles as you study each purchase looking for evidence of an ingredient to which you are allergic. If you do, At best your cart will be hit as others try to get around. At worst, you might get run over by Tiny the 300 pound WWF champ as he sprints toward the carrot juice section. (Better to joust with a train. Right?)

8 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the butcher if the organic pork is grass-fed. If you do, at best he will laugh you out of the store. At worst, he will convince you to go home and read up on the dietary habits of pigs. (At least tofu is on the list of things pigs will eat. Of course, there is nothing pigs won’t eat.)

7 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the clerk if the organic bottled water is gluten-free. If you do at best, the clerk will be confused. At worst, you might cause a very delicate personality to crack completely. ( Can you imagine what would have happened if you asked for help finding something.)

6 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not forget to bring your own bags. If you do, at best you will have to balance your purchases and hope to make the car before the peanut butter hits the parking lot surface. At worst, you will be charged for more bags which you’ll never need again. (Asking for a plastic bag was a big mistake)

5 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not show visible signs of your pending heart attack when you see the total bill. If you do, at best you will make the clerk’s day. At worst, those around you will want your hide for exposing the fact that to eat this way is very expensive. (Yeah they knew it, but don’t need reminders)

4 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the clerk if there are cruelty-free grapes in the wine. If you do, at best the clerk will call the manager for an answer. At worst the manager has just turned in his gross receipts and is now on probation for slipping sales. (The manager’s sense of humor is at an all time low and used to be a postal worker till released for anger management issues)

3 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the beauty aids clerk which essential oil they would recommend to attract more dates. If you do, at best the clerk will think you totally perverted. At worst, the clerk will take the opportunity to test the company’s non-hostile work environment policy with a request of the boss to toss you out of the store. (Wow! Talk about overused political correctness)

2 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not buy hemp products with the belief that you can use then to get high. If you do, at best you will waste your money. At worse, you will feel pretty foolish waiting in the shower for the hemp soap to kick in. (Meanwhile, the water temperature is moving toward Antarctic)

1 If you are shopping at an organic supermarket, do not ask the carryout person any questions about attire, body art, or hairstyle. If you do, at best they will ignore you. At worst, they will start the long story about personal freedoms and what it means to be able to be who they are. (That organic ice cream dripping on the pavement cost $10.00. Might be time to move on)

Top Ten Things Not to Do If You’re an Islander

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

Islander

The inspiration for this list is the way in which non-islanders view those who live on an island. Since I have done both, I suppose I’m qualified to give advice to Islanders about how to keep non-islanders from viewing them as weird. Well, islanders are weird but at least maybe, with this list, they could appear less so.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You are an Islander

10 If you are an Islander, do, not tell everyone “It’s five o’clock somewhere” when you are taking a drink. If you do, at best they will think you need to justify your drinking habit. At worst, you’ll get a full-scale intervention. (That Pina Colada for breakfast sure cut the fog didn’t it, though?)

9 If you are an Islander, do not use the word “chill” ever. If you do, at best your uptight non-islander friends will take offense. At worst, you might trigger a psychotic event with someone who has reached the end of the advice road. (Wow, where did that fist come from?)

8 If you are an Islander, do not criticize the frozen shrimp served in the non- islander’s appetizer. If you do, your host will no doubt wish you had stayed home. At worst, you will get some advice on where you can store your fresh shrimp boat and all. (Hint, it’s a place where the sunshine is at a minimum)

7 If you are an Islander, do not attend events in flip-flops. If you do, at best most will think you rude. At worst, you may be asked to find a more sanitary mode of footwear. (The wedding invitation said nothing about footwear did it, Clyde?)

6 If you are an Islander, do not think all furniture can withstand suntan oil staining. If you do, at best those you visit will have a permanent remembrance of your visit on their floral print furniture. At worst, you might be presented with the cleaning tab for that spot left behind. (Why so mad? You didn’t mean it. Right Clod?)

5 If you are an Islander, do not drive on the non-island freeway. If you do, at best you’ll be assaulted by honking horns. At worst, you may find yourself, tired, confused, and arrested for going thirty-five miles an hour in a sixty-five zone. (Thirty-five seems fast enough for a human to travel, huh Ferd?)

4 If you are an Islander, do not refer to everyone and everything as “off island.” If you do, at best you need to remember you are “off island” as well. At worst, someone may accuse you of using derogatory terms and take offense. (Guess who the big guy crossing the room with clenched fists is coming to talk to?)

3 If you are an Islander, do not show up for a meeting or interview wearing shorts. If you do, at best no one will take you seriously. At worst some will think you are avoiding the dress convention and assume you are a rebellious individual. (You must know how “rebellious” and “individual” traits play in organized commerce. Ah well, unemployment checks are better than nothing)

2 If you are an Islander, do not ignore the sign, “No shoes, no shirt, no service.” If you do, at best you won’t get a table. At worst, you will need to find another way to eat since that sign seems to be everywhere. (Hot dogs over an open fire are tasty Rube)

1 If you are an Islander, do not fail to shower before you leave the island. If you do, at best you won’t see the wild looks of those you pass.  At worst, you will spend some lonely days until you get back. (We know you just forgot and besides a dip in the Gulf takes care of everything.)

 

Ten Things Not to Do When You Have a Honey-Do List

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

Honey Do List

The inspiration for this list has been a number of years of being the recipient of lists of things that needed fixing. I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you receive a honey-do list, do not laugh at the items on the list. If you do, at best you’ll get one of those looks that turn brave thoughts to flee instincts. At worst, you’ll have to try to defend the undefendable fact that you haven’t kept up with normal maintenance. (The couch is pretty lumpy wouldn’t you say?)

9 If you receive a honey-do list, do not take shortcuts to complete the list. If you do, At best the inspection will produce some embarrassing deficiencies. At worst, you find yourself in the do-over mode, and it will take longer than the original mode would have taken. (Was that game you rushed to see worth it, Buster?)

8 If you receive a honey-do list, do not try to substitute available materials for those that require a store trip. If you do, at best the fix will last a month or two. At worst, you’ll find at the conclusion of the job definite evidence that you blew it.(How do feel about a bedroom full of water? Bunky)

7 If you receive a honey-do list, do not try to do it if you don’t know how. If you do, at best you will need to call a pro to complete the work. At worst, you will need to call a pro to fix what you messed up and then finish the work. (Feel good about paying twice what the project would have cost in the first place?)

6 If you receive a honey-do list, do not call your friends to help. If you do, at best they will all but prevent the job from being completed. At worst, none of them will have the skills needed but will make an attempt to help with questionable results. (You did incur beer and food costs in addition to the repair of the repair costs, huh, Bud?)

5 If you receive a honey-do list, do not ignore the instructions as to the desired outcome. If you do, at best the job will never be satisfactory. At worst, your usual roundabout way of doing things will add time and cost to the project. (Maybe it wasn’t necessary to dig that hole and build a foundation for the flower box after all, right?)

4 If you receive a honey-do list, do not fail to finish each item. If you do, at best you will appear to be someone who needs planning help. At worst, you will be faced with someone who has been hired to complete what you start. (Man those labor costs are killers aren’t they?)

3 If you receive a honey-do list, do not make excuses for not doing the items. If you do, at best your excuses will fall on deaf ears. At worse, the excuses will be used as justification for engaging Beaucoup Bucks & Sons contracting.(What’s in a name? Whoa!)

2 If you receive a honey-do list, do not put off getting to work on it immediately. If you do, at best the list will only get longer. At worst, there will be a growing feeling that you will never get the list done which will culminate in an introduction to Beaucoup Bucks & Sons. (Man those sons sure have dirty shoes don’t they?)

1 If you receive a honey-do list, do not fail to report results of projects completed. If you do, at best there will be no record of accomplishment. At worst, you will not have confirmation that the job is complete, and it may just show up again. (You have to demonstrate you can get things done, Buford.)

Ten Things Not to Do if Your House is For Sale

~ John W. Howell ~ 44 Comments

House4Sale_displayThe inspiration for this list came to me while I was witnessing a couple of houses for sale. I figured that among other things these items would be pretty obvious. I have to believe they were just not top of mind when the listing broker showed up to sign the listing. Of course, no listing broker worth their salt would point out particular areas needing improvement until the agreement is signed. After the ink is dry, it is hoped some discussion would take place.

Top Ten Things Not to do if Your House is For Sale

10 If your house is for sale, do not decide to make your regular batch of sour kraut during the broker open house. If you do, at best those attending are all sour kraut lovers. At worst, small notes will be made on the file to the effect that a complete cleaning will be needed to get rid of the dead animal smell. (Where did someone get the idea sour kraut smelled like a dead animal?)

9 If your house is for sale, do not assume everyone will overlook all the repairs that have been put off. At best, you might be able to save the deal by reducing the price to offset what is needs fixing. At worst, you will be the proud owner of this house until it falls. (Or until you get off your butt and get the repairs done.)

8 If your house is for sale, do not think the words, “Don’t mind the mess,” will cause the potential buyers to follow your advice. If you do, at best the potential buyers will politely spend a few moments and then disappear. At worst, the potential buyers will factor in the mess in their offer price. (How do you feel about paying the buyers $1000.00 per messy room in a reduced offer.)

7 If your house is for sale, do not think you can shove all your junk into the garage. If you do, at best your potential buyers will be the same kind of folks who don’t use their garage for cars. At worst, your potential buyers will assume all your junk will remain with the house and will make for the nearest exit. (Gee, you told them you would have all that stuff moved right?)

6 If your house is for sale, do not hang around while potential buyers are visiting. If you do, at best the potential buyers will think you don’t trust them. At worst, the potential buyers will believe that you have some creepy alternative motive for spying on them. (The creepiness of the motive will escalate the more they see you.)

5 If your house is for sale, do not think your prize massive collection of garden gnomes has the same appeal to potential buyers. If you do, at best your potential buyers will wonder what other collections you have that will have to be shipped. At worst, your potential buyers will think your house is cursed by the garden people and will make tracks out of there. (Some of those ceramic folk look like they might be dangerous after dark)

4 If your house is for sale, do not leave your pet Parrott behind for the showing. If you do, at best the potential buyers will learn a couple of new words that Polly has heard from you. At worst, the potential buyers are both grossly allergic to exotic bird droppings due to many years serving in the Peace Corps in the jungle. (Your first inkling of a problem is the flashing EMT lights and police cars in front of your house all being interviewed by the Nightly News.)

3 If your house is for sale, do not go ahead with the plans for that four-week vacation. If you do, at best you will need to come home early to sign papers. At worst, you will come back after the vacation to find every light on, running water, and wide open doors due to some showings. (You hope you will be able to get rid of that swarm of mosquitoes which look like they are carrying malaria.)

2 If your house is for sale, do not forget to have your pest and house inspection. If you do forget, at best the potential buyers will have it done, and the finding repairs will be up to you. At worst, the potential buyers will employ “Midnight House Inspection and Pest Control,” whose fee depends on the amount of problems they can find. (You never knew you had a black widow spider infestation did you Bunkey?)

1 If your house is for sale, do not try to do it yourself. If you do, at best you will avoid obvious pitfalls of “for sale by owner.” At worst, you will find yourself in litigation over unforeseen issues which will be resolved by price reductions. (Makes the 7% commission look cheap now, doesn’t it?)