Tag: Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your Birthday When You Turn One Hundred

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

 

Ten Things Not to Do

The inspiration for this list was coming across a bunch of things to do on a birthday. I then imagined doing these things when one is older, and the Ten Things Not to Do was born. It struck me that sometimes just being with family is enough. I hope you enjoy the list and who knows? Maybe you’d enjoy doing one of these when you turn One-Hundred.

10 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not decide to have a big ole house party. If you do at best, you won’t remember it. At worst, all the folks showing up would enjoy a nap and not get down and boogie with you. (You had to know that some people just show their age more than others, Davu. Also, the noise from that ten-piece band is attracting the police.)

9 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not think going clubbing is a good idea. If you do, at best you’ll be in bed before the club opens. At worst, you’ll be stopped at the door by Tiny the WWF champ who can’t count high enough to validate your ID. (So loan him your calculator, Daylan. You know the one that you got free for joining ARRP fifty years ago.)

8 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not decide to have a scavenger hunt. If you do, at best some will forget to come back. At worst, your neighbors will become hopelessly confused by a bunch of seniors appearing to be aimlessly searching for things. (The state trooper described the scene as the zombie apocalypse and now your home is surrounded, Dayson.)

7 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not decide to have a barbecue. If you do, at best you’ll need some Kentucky fried to pull it off. At worst, your gas grill hasn’t been used since your Ninety-Fifth birthday, and no one seems to notice the uncooked food including you. (Gotta hope everyone is immune to the bubonic plague, Deavon.)

6 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not decide to take a city break to a place you’ve never been. If you do, at best you understand Uber. At worst, you will need to rely on friendly strangers to help you get back home. (Funny how those sites you thought you would remember getting there now are so unfamiliar coming back huh, Dalbert. Good thinking on the luggage tag attached to your coat.)

5 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not go on a camping trip. If you do, at best you’ll have someone to help you set up camp. At worst, the search party will take another day to reach you in that ravine. (Good thing you packed your bourbon right, Delsin?)

4 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not take a road trip. If you do,  at best your AAA card will get your 67 Dodge back home. At worst, the first bar on your list will refuse to serve you without a doctor in attendance. (So much for acting out Animal House again, Deniz. Hey, wake up Jonesie. You don’t want him to miss the fun.)

3 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not get talked into skydiving. If you do, at best the airplane won’t start. At worst, your tandem diving instructor is a twenty-something who has a severe case of sleep apnea. (It is a good thing he woke up before the landing, Dermitt.)

2 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not consider a beach party. If you do, at best you’ll be sleeping with sand for a month. At worst, your walker is hopelessly useless, and you have to rely on your son-in-law to carry you everywhere. (It wasn’t so bad in the beginning, but that soft drink sure started an endless trek huh, Derrick?)

1 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not think a rock concert would be fun. If you do, at best you can modulate your hearing aid to accommodate the noise. At worst, once the fireworks start you’ll realize you forgot your emergency inhaler.(Wait. All of a sudden you have this euphoric feeling that comes from a second-hand high. This was not such a bad idea after, all, was it, Derwent?)

Top Ten Things Not to Ask a Genius

~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this post came after pondering a discussion with a brilliant person.  I just wondered what it would be like to be that smart. One thing led to another, and the list was born.

10 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them how it feels to be so smart. If you do, at best you’ll get a laugh. At worst, you’ll be forcibly engaged in a Socratic analysis on what “smart” means. (Getting tired after a couple of hours are you, Dante?)

9 If you are talking to a genius, do not mention the weather. If you do, at best they’ll excuse themselves. At worst, you’ll be entertained by a recap of the correlation between black hole proximity and global warming. (You didn’t know that was the subject of the person’s doctoral dissertation did you, Deon?)

8 If you are talking to a genius, do not make any sudden moves. If you do, at best you’ll get a flinch. At worst, your genius will have Tiny the WWF champ as a best friend. (Tiny moves fast when he thinks there is a danger, Demetri. I think I would begin testing those Rockport shoes and see if they are a flexible as advertised.)

7 If you are talking to a genius, do not comment on their clothes. If you do, at best they won’t understand what you are saying. At worst, they will provide you the existential theory behind their choice of what to wear today. (Not only did it take two hours, but you still don’t understand how the stripes and checks go together relative to the world politic do you, Dixon?)

6 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them what they want to eat. If you do, at best you will get an “anything,” response. At worst you will be taken down a probiotics path from which there is no return. (You’ll never look at a steak the same way again, Dacy.)

5 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask them about their favorite sport. If you do, at best they’ll  defer to asking you. At worst, after an hour you finally realize they are talking about a game that was played in ancient Macedonia. (The sad part is their team lost, and you now have a complete commentary on how the other team cheated with a deflated goat bladder and poisoned arrows.  Some fun huh, Daelan?)

4 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask what they watch on television. If you do, at best you’ll have to define the term “television.” At worst, you will be treated to watching the Nature Blog live feed of baby ants who were cloned from a prehistoric frozen egg hatching as viewed on an iPad. (Really glad you asked that one, aren’t you, Dagan? Wait! Is that an anteater?)

3 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask if they have a hobby. If you do, at best they’ll be too shy to share. At worst, before you know it you are hooked up to a worldwide XBox War of the World gaming competition. (So how many lives do you have left, Daileass? I think you better swing that broadsword at everything you see. Given the intensity of this game I have a feeling that once your lives are finished, you are too.)

2 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask if they belong to a club. If you do, at best you’ll get a stare before they walk away. At worst, you will have to defend the idea of having a high affiliation need as it relates to your own insecurities. (Makes you want to go to a cabin in the mountains doesn’t it, Daire? Then you can prove you are not intellectually weak and as a result, don’t need anyone.)

1 If you are talking to a genius, do not ask what they do for a living. If you do, at best you’ll get a one-word answer, “work.” At worst, you will have a detailed description of the job but will not understand what it is in a hundred years. (Did you get the opinion that they were speaking in a different language, Dalbert? What the hell is a Spectrographic Survey Specialist anyway?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Gas Station

~ John W. Howell ~ 61 Comments

 

10 If you are at a gas station, do not buy and eat anything not in a sealed bag. If you do, at best the food will be made today. At worst you will be lucky enough to experience emergency room procedures first hand. (Wow, that stomach pump was a real rush huh,Dalton?)

9 If you are at a gas station, do not think you can find that forgotten birthday present. If you do, at best your lack of attention will be noted. At worst, that mug with the 7/11 logo will be coming back to you quicker than you imagined. (Who knew how fast a mug could travel and how hard it could hit. Right, Danny? Oh, and I would put some ice on that lump if I were you.)

8 If you are at a gas station, do not think the restroom is like home. If you do, at best you’ll just look and move on. At worst, trying to use the bathroom without touching anything might not work well in the end. (How you fell down is still a mystery, Darren. Also, I don’t think that hand sanitizer is going to be enough for your whole body.)

7 If you are at a gas station, do not be rude to the help. If you do, at best they will let you slip. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who is working there as part of his aggravated assault probation agreement has just allowed the last rude customer to get by. (Looks like we have a straw that broke the camel’s back situation, Dane. I think I would make for the door and hope for the best.)

6 If you are at a gas station and the lines are long, do not insist on having a clerk run last years lotto tickets through the machine to see if you have a winner. If you do, at best you will be told to come back when it is less busy. At worst, the people behind you will form a vigilante group and leave you tied up outside. (Seems like a drastic measure doesn’t it, Dwane. Of course, most were grabbing some beer for the Superbowl and kick off was in ten minutes.)

5 If you are at a gas station, do not walk in the door in your ski mask. If you do, at best no one will notice you since you are a customer. At worst, the guy behind the counter still has PTSD from the last robbery and has his finger on the panic alarm. (Was a little awkward explaining to the police you forgot about the mask, wasn’t it, Darrel. Now with your hands cuffed behind your back and you on the floor it is almost impossible.)

4 If you are at a gas station, do not fuel up and continue to puff on that cigar. If you do, at best the wind will blow the fumes away. At worst, just when your tank is full and the automatic trigger doesn’t work you realize there might be a massive fire.  (Lucky you, Deven. You were able to toss that cigar well away. Next time listen to me.)

3 If you are at a gas station, do not try to use the air pump. If you do, at best it is out-of-order. At worst you will feed it four quarters before you finally have enough air in your tire to limp to the tire store. (The worse part was skinning your knuckles on the rapid recoil of the hose, wasn’t it Doug?)

2 If you are at a gas station, do not ask for directions. If you do, at best all you’ll get is a shrug. At worst, you’ll get directions that put you on county road three which leads to the Twilight Zone. (What was it about that kid of eighteen with the wild stare that made you think he even knew where he was, let alone tell you how to get to grandma’s, Doyle?)

1 If you are at a gas station, do not ask if there is a mechanic on duty. If you do, at best you will be laughed out of the place. At worst, someone will pretend to be a mechanic with the result your car is now ready for auction. (Well all that beer and beef jerky should have told you something about their primary business, Damion.)

Ten Questions Not to Ask an Author

~ John W. Howell ~ 117 Comments

 

Top Ten Things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list was preparing myself to attend four book festivals this year. I was making a list of items that I needed, and it occurred to me that I should prepare some answers to obvious questions. One thing leads to another, and the list is born.

10 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Do you make a lot of money writing?” If you do, at best you might get a chuckle in reply. At worst, you might have to listen to a long diatribe about the meaning of art as opposed to monetary considerations. (Wow. You didn’t realize just how little the author made from his books did you, Dylan?)

9 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “How does your spouse feel about your writing? If you do, at best you’ll get a two-word answer, “They’re Fine.” At worst, you may have to support a sobbing author on your shoulder. (Hopefully, the author is not getting your shirt wet. Right, Diego? Bu the way, you make a lovely pair.)

8 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “So what is the difference between traditionally published and an indie?” If you do, at best you’ll get a solid objective answer. At worst, you will ask Tiny, the WWF champ, who has just received his 100th rejection letter from a traditional publisher. I imagine you hit a sore spot with Tiny, Drake. I think it is time to test those new running shoes. Yes, right now.)

7 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Is your book well written?” If you do, at best you will get a confused look. At worst, you may get a question in return to the effect of wondering if you have just arrived on the planet Earth. (Man, these authors are sensitive aren’t they, Douglass?)

6 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “What do you do all day?” If you do, at best you’ll get a smart reply like, “Drink bourbon.” At worst, you have to listen to a detailed reiteration by the fifteen-minute segment on the entire twenty-four hour day. (The bodily function and romance parts you could have done without hey, Dean?)

5 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Have you written anything that I might have read.?” If you do, at best the author will ask you what you have read. At worst, you will be left standing in the middle of the room with a “Kick Me Hard,” sign on your back. (So you thought you were engaging huh, Dennis?)

4 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Do you really like to write?” If you do, at best the author will offer you a cookie. At worst, the sound of crickets will lead you to quickly determine the crashing stupidity of your question. (I guess if authors didn’t like to write they might do something else. Don’t you agree, Dexter?”

3 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Do you have any bestsellers? If you do, at best the author does. At worst, you will have probably opened a wound that the author has been trying to work around. (Seems strange to witness a complete meltdown doesn’t it, Drew?)

2 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “What do you really do?” If you do, at best the author is a trust fund baby. At worst, the author’s response will be delivered at a decibel level designed to shatter glass. (Don’t just cover your ears, Duke. I would make plans to leave soon.)

1 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “What makes you write?” If you do, at best you’ll get a “little voices in my head,” answer. At worst, you’ll be pressed to explain what makes you breathe, eat, and sleep. (You gotta wonder if that author had been drinking don’t you, Desmond? He sure was spirited.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a City Tour

~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

 

 

The inspiration for this post was thinking about super cities and the possibility of taking tours of them. There are not necessarily guided tours but just touring in general.

10 If you are touring Chicago, do not wear your Yankee baseball cap. If you do, at best people will believe you have just been released from the mental hospital. At worst, the police will arrest you for unlawful assembly.  (The crowd that gathered trying to convince you to burn your cap did get out of hand right, Cnute?)

9 If you are touring New York City, do not hire Tiny the WWF champ as your tour guide. If you do, at best the only tour stop will be Golds Gym. At worst, you and Tiny will get into a principal argument about going to the 100th floor of the Empire State building. (You had no idea Tiny was afraid of heights did you, Colla? Now it doesn’t matter cause you all you are seeing now is the inside of Bellview Hospital Center.)

8 If you are touring San Francisco, do not shut the cell door on Alcatraz Island. If you do, at best you’ll hear no click. At worst, you will have picked the only cell that automatically locks when the door is closed. (The bad news is the guard with the key retired ten years ago. Yelling won’t help, Conell. Maybe the fire department can figure out a way to release you.)

7 If you are touring London, do not try to make the guard at Buckingham Palace smile. If you do, at best someone will ask you to leave. At worst, you are the 100th person to try today, and the guard’s Zoloft dose has just worn off. (So much for your ugly American imitation, Cruz. Now you have to run.)

6 If you are touring Berlin, do not try to cut to the front of a line. If you do, at best you will be politely told about your rudeness. At worst, you may be rewarded with a knuckle sandwich served without mustard. (I know you are used to doing that, Cyril. Here that is a big no-no.)

5 If you are touring Paris, do not walk down the street eating a croissant. If you do, at best you’ll collect a bunch of stares. At worst, passers-by will mistake you for someone who is mentally challenged and call the medics. (That straight jacket is only for your own protection, Cydney. Might as well relax.)

4 If you are touring Rome, do not speak loudly or in other ways draw attention to yourself. If you do, at best the locals will scowl. At worst, the police will mistake you for a Russian spy. (You can guess how this will turn out huh, Christiano?)

3 If you are touring Madrid, do not mention Francisco Franco, the dictator unless you know the people well. If you do, at best you’ll be forced to listen to a three-hour lecture on the evils of his regime. At worst, you might be mistaken for a follower and end up in a duel.(Why didn’t someone warn you, Crey? Well one would have thought you knew enough to avoid politics with people you don’t know.)

2 If you are touring Cairo, do not bring flowers to your host’s dinner. If you do, at best someone may tell you to dispose of them. At worst, the host will think you are offering condolences or wanting to get married which are the only reasons to bring flowers in Egypt. (Looks like you are getting hitched, Conyn since no one has passed away. Good luck.)

1 If you are touring Moscow, do not keep your seat on the bus if an elderly person has to stand. If you do, at best someone will give up their place but glower at you. At worst, you might be helped off the bus two miles before your stop. (You need to pay better attention to the local rules, Coltrane.)

Top Ten New Year Resolutions Not to Make

~ John W. Howell ~ 63 Comments

 

New Years Day

We have all made resolutions which in hindsight we probably should have left alone. I hope you have tome to go back and make some revisions if one of these is on your list.

10 When making New Year resolutions, do not include a stipulation to lose weight. If you do, at best you’ll miss your target. At worst, you’ll feel bad about your progress and consume enough ice cream to turn your goal into a three-year affair. (Funny how easy those pounds come back huh, Carswell?)

9 When making New Year resolutions, do not vow to stand up to Tiny. If you do, at best, your resolution will last three minutes. At worst, you’ll meet Tiny just as he is leaving his anger management class with an assignment to hug the first person he meets. (I’m thinking you shoving Tiny away wasn’t the best move of the new year, Carver. Good thing you have new running shoes for Christmas.)

8 When making New Year resolutions, do not swear off your favorite drink. If you do, at best you be thinking of nothing else. At worst, after what seems like a year you will have way too much to the concern of friends and family. (You made it four hours, Case. Maybe next year.)

7 When making New Year resolutions, do not include an item that requires someone else to help. If you do, at best that someone will disappear. At worst, you will count on support only to find your helper has violated the resolution several weeks ago without letting you know. (Just think of all the times your helper told you to be strong, Caster. Is that boiling blood I hear?)

6 When making New Year resolutions, do not include additional exercise goals. If you do, at best you’ll last a week.  At worst, you’ll rationalize that getting up in the morning is challenging enough.(How about that sit-up when you first wake up?  It counts right, Chadwick?)

5 When making New Year resolutions, do not eliminate sweets. If you do, at best your withdrawal symptoms will require an intravenous infusion of chocolate. At worst, your cravings will take you to the extreme where all you can think about is sweets. (I can’t believe you actually took candy from that baby, Chanan. And at gunpoint? Aw come on.)

4 When making New Year resolutions, do not vow to eat healthy. If you do, at best your food groups will be reduced to soybeans and flax seed. At worst, just when you thought you were in control you wake up in the hospital learning you were found in the walk in cooler of the local McDonalds. (Just what were you thinking, Chane?)

3 When making New Year resolutions, do not count getting organized as one of your goals. If you do, at best you not be able to find anything. At worst, you will discover in late February that you threw out all your receipts for business expenses. (All those nasty papers were ruining your Karma right, Chevalier?)

2 When making New Year resolutions, do not hope to learn a new language. If you do, at best you’ll get hello and goodby down pat. At worst, you’ll think you have it whipped after the first lesson only to find some folks shocked at what you said. (It appears that “sit on my thumb,” and “I appreciate your help,” are very close in pronunciation, Chidi.)

1 When making New Year resolutions, don’t even think about promising yourself that you will write more in 2018. If you do, at best you’ll manage the same. At worst, you will be so discouraged by your progress you will think writer’s block was invented to torture you personally. (Rather daunting to count those words (or should I say word) today huh, Chisolm?)

Merry Christmas Day from Lucy and Bailey

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

Merry Christmas

“Hey, Boss. Why do we have to pose here like this?”

“It is Christmas, Lucy. We need to send a greeting to our blog friends.”

“Okay, but hurry. My neck is getting sore.”

“You are supposed to look at me.”

“Won’t happen, Boss.  You know I’m a dog, right?”

“Say, ‘Merry Christmas,’ you two.”

“Merry Christmas you two.”

“Thanks, guys.”

“Where’s our treat?”

Top Ten Things Not to Do In the Snow in South Texas

~ John W. Howell ~ 77 Comments

Snow in the South

 

The inspiration for this list was a one-inch snowfall on our tropical island in South Texas.  The last snow was in 2004 and before that in the 1900’s. As you can imagine residents of this island had no idea what to do with snow. This list is too late for them but may be handy in another ten years.

10 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you can drive to the store. If you do, at best you may find yourself in a ditch. At worst, your erratic driving may cause a pile up on the beach road which won’t clear till spring. (Twenty miles an hour was a bit too fast for conditions huh, Cyrek?)

9. If you live in the South and it snows, do not throw snowballs at strangers. If you do, at best you’ll hit one, and they will laugh. At worst, you will hit Tiny the WWF champ right after he left his respect support group meeting. (Looks like Tiny took the snowball in the face as a sign of disrespect. I think you should begin running now, Cyril.)

8 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you can wear flip-flops as usual. If you do, at best your feet will turn blue. At worst, you will find your condition being discussed by a group of interns at the local ER. (Do the words frostbite and amputation bother you, Cyrano?)

7 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think the rest of the world wants to hear about it. If you do, at best you’ll get a lot of disconnects. At worst, you’ll be describing the beauty and unusual snow to your cousin in Fargo, North Dakota who hasn’t been out of the house for six weeks due to the snow. (Wonder why he’s calling you all those names? It’s cabin fever, Cyan.)

6 If you live in the South and it snows, do not think you have to rush to the store to clean the shelves of bread, milk, water, and bathroom tissue. If you do, at best you’ll get the moniker of the village idiot. At worst, you will be just checking out when you notice the snow has all melted making your hour trip to the store and your massive horde unnecessary. (Did you check the weather report, Crespin? Why are those people pointing and laughing?)

5 If you live in the South and it snows, do not demand your 7:00 am tee time. If you do, at best the pro will not let you play. At worst, you’ll set the course record for the most lost balls and highest score. (White on white is a difficult thing to see. Right, Courtney. When you do see em frozen shots don’t go that far do they?)

4 If you are in the south and it snows, do not continue with your plans for a beach party. If you do, at best everyone will stay home. At worst, those that do come will end up not at the beach but in your house. (Ever try to roast hot dogs and do smores in the fireplace, Corwin?)

3 If you are in the South and it snows, do not think you can drive without cleaning your windshield and rear window glass. If you do, at best the snow might blow off. At worst, you won’t be able to see well and might hit someone. (The policeman you ran into is lecturing you loudly how dangerous it is to drive without being able to see while he is writing the ticket. He is about finished, Conell.)

2 If you are in the south and it snows, do not think you have to plan a dinner like you are living in the Antarctic. If you do, at best the snow will leave before you start cooking. At worst, you’ll serve the Hoosh, Pemmican, Sledging biscuits, Marmite and hot coffee meal as the temperature reaches seventy degrees. (Never saw folks sweat so much while they ate did you, Cnute?)

1 If you are in the South and it snows, Do not think you can wait to make a snowperson. If you do, at best there will be a little snow left to work. At worst, you and the kids will be all bundled up only to find nothing but water. (Hard to make a water person isn’t it, Clifton?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Golf Cart

~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments

Golf Cart

 

The golf cart is a primary transportation device here in Port Aransas. The inspiration for this post is watching countless tourists rent a golf cart and then exhibit some unusual behavior which would never be seen otherwise. I hope you enjoy it. Oh and another thing, I am innocent of any of these practices.

10 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the safety belts are there as a bit of humor. If you do, at best you’ll get a $150.00 ticket. At worst, you will find yourself outside the cart at the first bump. (You didn’t think nineteen miles per hour could cause you to pitch out onto the street right, Chadwick?)

9 If you are on a golf cart, do not expect Tiny the WWF champ who has just left his weight training class to yield to you. If you do, at best you will miss each other in the middle of the street. At worst, Tiny will stop your cart and then show you how he can press the hardware and you. (Watch that trip down when Tiny drops the whole mess on the street, Chalmar.)

8 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can ignore the traffic rules. If you do, at best you’ll get a warning. At worst, you and the cart will be under arrest. (You gotta envy the fact that the cart gets to stay outside the jail don’t you, Chas?)

7 If you are on a golf cart, do not try a turn at full speed. If you do, at best you may blow a tire. At worst, as you take the curve on two wheels all your belongings and half your family will be dumped on the street. (You will have a tough time explaining your maneuver to those in the emergency room, Chauncy.)

6 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can go twenty miles an hour under the speed limit on the main road. If you do, at best you’ll realize soon you need to get off. At worst, an irate driver will help you along with little concern for your welfare. (You didn’t know a golf cart being pushed by an eighteen wheeler could go that fast did you, Chetwin? Also, you didn’t have that white hair before did you?)

5 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you can carry more people than the number of places to sit. If you do, at best the golf cart won’t have enough power to move. At worst, you will lose a couple of the standing room only passengers on the first turn. (You say one of those thrown into a cactus patch was your boss, Clemens?)

4 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have the right of way because you are smaller. If you do, at best you’ll just get an air horn warning. At worst, you will be trying to return a flattened golf cart. (The proprietor doesn’t have much of a sense of humor does he, Clovis?)

3 If you are on a golf cart, do not think the police will ignore drinking and driving. If you do, at best your friends won’t let you drive. At worst, you’ll try to explain to the officer why you think a golf cart is just a toy. (Looks like the punishment is the same as a car, Cowen. Hope you have a spare $15,000.)

2 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to wave to everyone you pass. If you do, at best you’ll be taken as an idiot. At worst, people will think you are a politician and will chase you off the beach. (Oh, you are running for office, Creighton. I would move off the beach fast.)

1 If you are on a golf cart, do not think you have to display a number of flags. If you do, at best folks will think you work for the circus. At worst, all that flapping in the wind will slow you down and make you lose your hearing. (You think that “It’s five o’clock somewhere” flag is unique don’t you, Cydney?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do Playing Board Games

~ John W. Howell ~ 81 Comments

Ten Things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list is the approaching holidays where families all gather around and play a board game or two. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 If you are playing a board game, do not insist on using the same token as last year. If you d,  at best, you will be teased for being a stick in the mud. At worst, you’ll have to sit out the game since your older brother already laid claim to the piece. (You believe he did that on purpose don’t you, Chester?)

9 If you are playing a board gamed, not argue with  Tiny the WWF champ who is spending the holidays at your house as part of a prison holiday release program, when he lays down a scrabble word XXZZWMP. If you do, at best you’ll need to leave the game. At worst, you’ll need to find some ice for that black eye. (Mama said not to argue with Tiny didn’t she, Conor?)

8 If you are playing a board game, do not think by getting monopolies on all the properties you will win. If you do, at best no one will have money left. At worst, you could be the cause of your unemployed brother-in-law to go off the deep end. (Maybe you should have let him have a few wins Collin. You need to talk him down off the roof.)

7 If you are playing a board game, do not start belly aching if you must go to jail. If you do, at best the other players will make fun of you. At worst, you will cause everyone to decide to do something different. (Not much fun playing the game alone is it, Cyrus?)

6 If you are playing a board game, do not try to mark the career cards so you can pick the best career. If you do, at best you might get caught. At worse, even if you cheat you lose anyway. (How does this happen, Chance? With a name like yours you could have just played the game.)

6 If you are playing a board game, do not shout out who killed Mr. Boddy of Tudor Mansion until all the clues are exposed. If you do, at best the game is over. At worst, you will be eating Thanksgiving dinner outside on the porch. (Kind of chilly here in Minnesota at Thanksgiving huh, Cecil?)

5 If you are playing a board game, do not set that BIG GULP cup too close to the game. If you do, at best the condensation off the cup may get some money wet. At worst, an excited player will inadvertently tip the cup over. (Guess where all that soda went, Cormac? Yup that’s right the tsunami of Coke and ice wiped the game out and FEMA doesn’t want to hear about it.)

4 If you are playing a board game, do not think you have to play until there is a clear winner. If you do at best, it will be hours. At worst, the game could go on for the entire weekend. ( you planned on doing other things, didn’t you Crispin? Like take a shower.)

3 If you are playing a board game, do not slip from reality. If you do, at best others will notice. At worst, you will need to decompress once the game is over. (Your psychologist is not available on Sundays, Carlin. You need to lay down.)

2 If you are playing a board game, do not try to confuse your fellow players with some off the wall move. If you do, at best you will be reminded to stick to the rules. At worst, you off the wall move will backfire and you’ll lose all your gold. (Now what are you going to use for food huh, Chase? Beginning to feel the specter of starvation aren’t you? What was that about reality?)

1 If you are playing a board game, do not think the rest of the players don’t notice your extra helpings of $100.00 bills as you do your banking duties. If you do, at best you’ll be asked to return the bills. At worst you will be formally banned from the family games and turned over to the justice department for bank fraud. (Okay so the justice department is not interested, Curt. It is still mighty embarrassing.)