Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to Do When a Hurricane is Headed Your Way

~ John W. Howell ~ 88 Comments

Hurricane Harvey

 

10 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not think it would be a good time to surf the storm surge. If you do, at best the authorities will arrest you. At worst, you’ll ride that last big one into the next county. (Now you have to figure a way back huh, Banjo?)

9 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not decide to ride it out at home. If you do, at best you’ll have a flotation device. At worst, you will need to tread water until you find dry land again. (maybe that couch floating by will be of some use, Beauregard.)

8 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not think you can take everything you own with you. If you do, at best you will come to your senses. At worst, once the car is packed you’ll find you have no room for the family. (Now logic says the family is more important than your beer cap collection right, Bently?)

7 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not think you won’t need a plan. If you do, at best the hurricane will go somewhere else. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who has the lowest seniority on the first responder team will be picking you off your roof. (You are right to wonder if he might drop you before getting into the helicopter, Bertrand.)

6 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not think the Dominos Pizza delivery man will be your back up food plan. If you do, at best your supply of Fritos and dip will last. At worst, you’ll be down to the crumbs in the bread bag and the worm in the bottle. (Guess you should have stocked up on more than party supplies, Bowie.)

5 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not underestimate its strength. If you do, at best that patio furniture will blow out to sea instead of into your living room. At worst, that refrigerator on your porch that you insisted would stay put has been responsible for repeated entrances and exits from your house. (Never thought that thing could make so many holes did you, Bruno?)

4 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not wait until the last-minute to leave. If you do, at best you will have to wait in traffic. At worst, you will be riding out the hurricane on the side of the road. (Yes your car will float for a while, Barnard, but then sinking is inevitable.)

3 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not think you will be allowed back to your house quickly after it is over. If you do, at best you will be very frustrated. At worst, those temporary arrangements you made look to be more permanent than the patience of your host. (Maybe time to find some temporary housing, Benny. Your host has a funny look while sharpening those knives.)

2 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not think your WiFi and cell service will continue throughout the storm. If you do, at best you will recapture what life was like before these services were invented. At worst, your advanced case of Fear of Missing Out will cause you to require medical attention. ( At least that injection the nurse just gave you has a calming effect, Benson)

1 When a hurricane is headed your way, do not worry about things that can be replaced. If you do, at best your priorities will probably need to change. At worst, you will spend worry time on things that in reality don’t mean a thing. (I guess you’ve been told huh, Buford.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Faced With Back to School

~ John W. Howell ~ 62 Comments

Back to School

 

The inspiration for this list came from years and years of back to school events. Now that all the kids are no longer in school, I can list out things with a degree of objectivity.

10 If you are faced with back to school, do not buy any clothes without checking with your child first. If you do, at best several items will go unused. At worst, your child will suffer from PTSD (Post Teasing Stress Disorder) and refuse to leave the bedroom. (It seems those Sponge Bob Square Pant shirts you bought at the rummage sale were in the sale for a reason, Buster.)

9 If you are faced with back to school, do not do a celebratory dance as you sprint from the bus stop. If you do, at best your child won’t see you. At worst, you will have to explain your actions to your child and the rest of the parents of the kids on bus 23. (Okay so the NFL now allows dignified celebrations but doing the chicken dance as the bus pulled away caught you a penalty flag, Bosco)

8 If you are faced with back to school, do not accompany your child to class. If you do, at best you will be asked to leave. At worst you might be mistaken for an intruder and the subject of a lock down and SWAT interdiction. (That taser clears the sinus up right beautiful huh, Bart?)

7 If you are faced with back to school, do not stuff the backpack as if your child is going on safari. If you do, at best most of the things will be abandoned. At worst, your child won’t be able to navigate the stairs and Child Protective Services will pay you a visit. (Sure you are a survivalist, Bubba but the hatchet, matches, Coleman lantern, and Bowie knife are all forbidden.)

6 If you are faced with back to school, do not visit the school cafeteria to request a special diet for your youngster. If you do, at best you’ll decide to pack the lunch. At worst, you might be asked to volunteer as a lunchroom monitor. (Monitoring the lunchroom has all the glory of a prison guard position, Buford.)

5 If you are faced with back to school, do not ignore the crossing guard. If you do, at best you’ll embarrass your child. At worst, you will offend Tiny the WWF champ who has just finished his crossing guard training. (Looks like Tiny has you by the ankle and you are upside down huh, Bearle?)

4 If you are faced with back to school, do not put cute notes in your child’s lunch. If you do, at best your child will be the only one seeing them. At worst, a note may fall into the hands of the class clown and the embarrass factor will go on overload. (The words were okay, Bernie but those cartoons were a bit much. That one of the teachers went over well in the Vice Principle’s office.)

3 If you are faced with back to school, do not try to force your child to participate in activities that you think would be fun. If you do, at best the fit won’t be right. At worst, your child will rebel and go out for something like between building tight rope walking. (Should have left it alone, Bunky. Don’t look up)

2 If you are faced with back to school, do not think you know best on school supplies and stock up before the school list is published. If you do, at best you will need to buy more. At worst, those composition notebooks like the kind you used in school might become useful when your child starts college. So, Bevis, just store them for the next thirteen years.)

1 If you are faced with back to school, do not burden your child with your angst about separation. If you do, at best your child may be forced to worry about you. At worst, you could foster guilt in your child that could prevent them from taking advantage of the opportunity to move forward and learn new things. (So get over yourself Putz and show some excitement about the future.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do Touring Overseas

~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments

Overseas

 

The inspiration for this list is my current tour of Scotland. I figure I will only have one chance to use this list so I’m going for it. I hope you like it.

10 If you are touring overseas, do not try to plug your phone charger into a socket without an adapter. if you do, at best it won’t work. At worst, forcing the connection may cause your phone to be damaged. (Now what are you going to do with a melted phone, Herb?)

9 If you are touring overseas, do not ignore the pedestrian crossing signs. If you do, at best all the brakes will be in good condition. At worst, you’ll end up on the hood of a cab driven by Tiny the WWF champ who has just received his license back from too many accidents. (Now, the collision didn’t kill you but there is no guarantee after Tiny is through with you, Burt. He looks pretty mad too.)

8 If you are touring overseas, do not ask the local restaurant if they have Big Macs. If you do, at best they may not understand you. At worst, they will serve you yesterday’s food rescued from the can out back. (You tipped your hand on your gastronomical sophistication huh, Bosco?)

7 If you are touring overseas, do not try to pay with American money. If you do, at best you get an exchange rate of 30%. At worst, you will not find anyone to take the money and the police will be called as you try to leave the establishment. (You should have checked before ordering that big dinner, Putz)

6 If you are touring overseas, do not expect everyone to speak and understand English. If you do, at best you will be doing without a lot. At worst, in trying to communicate you may inadvertently use a phrase who’s essence is perceived to put a curse on the person. (I guess you are wondering why the formally calm person is running at you with a large sword huh, Buford? Don’t worry you have your NIKE’s on but I would get moving.)

5 If you are touring overseas, do not take a picture of anyone without asking permission. If you do, at best they won’t notice. At worst, you’ll snap a picture of a major political figure who doesn’t want anyone to know he is where you captured the photo and who he is with. (Yes, Ferd. It is complicated and now your camera is gone. Those guys were big.)

4 If you are touring overseas, pay attention and heed warning signs. If you don’t, at best you’ll survive the day. At worst, the sign that asked you to mind the path is but a memory as you are being chased by the queen’s security force.(Good thing you have those Nikes huh, Bunky? Of course, that stun dart is starting to slow you down as you  can’t feel your feet.)

3 If you are touring overseas, do not litter. If you do, at best a gentle person will remind you. At worst, you just threw down a paper in front of the leader of the Militant Litterer Crushers. (Sadly the paper isn’t that tasty is it, Bud?)

2 If you are touring overseas, do not ignore the local rules of tipping. If you do, at best you’ll get away with one faux pas. At worst, you may have lost luggage, poor service, and soup that is only 89 % spit-free.(You may have saved a little in the short run huh, Leroy?)

1 If you are touring overseas, do not try to navigate the cities and countryside without a map. If you do, at best you’ll be able to ask directions. At worst, you may end up hopelessly lost and a perfect candidate for the pirate press gangs roaming the land. (Okay so there are no press gangs Stew. It sure is dark in this ally though, isn’t it?)

***

I am still overseas and will try to keep up with comments but apologies if I get behind.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on an Overseas Flight

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

Top Ten Thing Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this post is the fact that I am held captive on a flight to the UK. The beautiful part is I will have landed by the time it is published.

10 If you are on an overseas flight, do not wander up and down the aisles like a zombie. If you at best, everyone will be able to sleep through your wandering. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ, who just graduated from Marvel’s Zombie Hunters School (With honors)  will use you as a practice dummy.(Notice how easy your arm comes off, Dope.)

9 If you are on an overseas flight, do not remove your shoes if you have foot problems. If you do, at best your neighbors will think the in-flight meal is mac and cheese. At worst, the captain will be forced to land due to a perceived threat of poisoned gas attack. (Those Marshalls look a little upset, Dudley.)

8 If you are on an overseas flight, do not think alcohol will help you cope with boredom.  If you do, at best you will pass out. At worst, you might end up in chains after trying to start a karaoke competition in First Class. (Those rich folk have no sense of humor do they, Bunkey?)

7 If you are on an overseas flight, do not think you are in a five-star restaurant. If you do, at best you will learn your mistake quickly on the first bite. At worst, you will get a visit from a grumpy crew member the first time you attempt to send the entrée back for “additional finishing.” (My goodness these people are sensitive about constructive criticism aren’t they, Buford.)

6 If you are on an overseas flight, do not try to make conversation with your seatmate if they are not interested. If you do, at best it is hoped you get the hint. At worst, your seat mate will finally get tired of your interference and call the crew for relief. (You are talking fast, Tex but I don’t think these guys believe you will mind your manners. Those handcuffs they are pulling out sure look uncomfortable.)

5 If you are on an overseas flight, do not over study the emergency procedures card in the seat back pocket in front of you. If you do, at best your neighbors won’t think anything of it. At worst, you will raise suspicions that you are going to do something funny during the flight. (Do you wonder why that big guy exchanged seats with your seatmate, Doofus? I wouldn’t make any sudden moves right now.)

4 If you are on an overseas flight, remember that you can’t hear how loud you speak with your earphones on. If you forget, at best,  those around you are wearing earphones as well. At worst, you will continually wake up those around you until one decides to take your earphones. (He the biggest guy you’ve ever seen huh, Brad? Just let the earphones go.)

3 If you are on an overseas flight, do not tell your seatmate the ending of the movie that you have already seen. If you do, at best the seatmate wanted to nap anyway. At worst, you have no made an enemy of someone you will be sitting with for the next eight hours. (Don’t close your eyes, Buster. No telling what they will do.)

2 If you are on an overseas flight, do not think you are the only passenger on the plane. If you do, at best you will be set straight sooner rather than later. At worst you will have alienated enough people to get you self a deluxe seat in the hold. (Pretty cold down here huh, Putz?)

1 If you are on an overseas flight, do not tell anyone you are an author. If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, you will have to sit through an eight-hour description of the story that your seatmate is sure will make a great book. (There is a simple answer to the question, “What do you do?” Just say you are a professional car thief, Pal.)

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do With a Smartphone

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

Top Ten things Not to Do

 

10 If you have a smartphone, do not use it to send a breakup message. If you do, at best the message will fail to deliver. At worst, your message will be received just after the recipient has paid a no return deposit on the condo you were to share.  (Talk about awkward, Idiot.)

9 If you have a smartphone, do not use it to video record those embarrassing family moments. If you do, at best you will be convinced to trash the video. At worst, your clip is now on YouTube, and there are a million likes. (Yes, your family is well-known for its stupidity. Too bad they can’t show their face in public, Putz)

8 If you have a smartphone, do not think you must reach the last level of Candy Crush. If you do, at best your phone will quit working. At worst, you will still be working to achieve the level even as your family has finally given up all contact. (Can you say obsessed, Bert?)

7 If you have a smartphone, do not think anyone wants to see your pictures. If you do, at best you may find a hapless victim who feigns interest. At worst, most of the people you show your treasures are sound asleep at the end. (Of course, they are now a captive audience huh, Buford?)

6 If you have a smartphone, do not think you can take pictures without permission. If you do, at best you may be told to stop doing so. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who you just photographed, just confessed to his therapy group how camera-shy he has become as a result of being more open in the discussions. (You are very right to begin running, Buster. I think Tiny is gaining on you, though.)

5 If you have a smartphone, do not ask the robot assistant a question in public. If you do, at best you won’t be understood. At worst, your question was so inane that now everyone realizes you are an idiot. (“What is the temperature today?” was a real crowd pleaser, Goober. Go sit down and be quiet.)

4 If you have a smartphone, do not think you can watch a video and walk at the same time. If you do, at best a few bumps by passersby will convince you to stop. At worst, being airborne as a result of walking into a taxi will give you time to think about next time. (You must now prepare for the second collision with the ground, Tex. Here’s hoping there is a next time.)

3 If you have a smartphone, do not take any selfies you wouldn’t want your mother to see. If you do, at best she’ll never see them. At worst, those little photos you made for your friend’s eyes only are now featured on the Snapchat gross photo of the week. (And you thought the cloud was an iron-clad secure place huh, Dufus?)

2 If you have a smartphone, do not be afraid of that ringing sound. If you are, at best you can stop it by answering with a “hello.” At worst, the distraction of the ringing causes you to take extraordinary measures that finally silence the ringing. (You did know that water is harmful to a smartphone right, Bucky? And BTW smartphones were initially designed for phone calls. That’s what all that ringing was about.)

1 If you have a smartphone, do not operate any other machinery while using it.If you do, at best you will get one chance with no consequences. At worst, you may hurt yourself and others especially if you are driving a car. (But you know all this right, Bunion?)

Top Ten things Not to Do on Memorial Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 48 Comments

As you know, I would normally have a Top Ten list which contains tongue in cheek advice on how to behave under certain circumstances.

Today I only have one thing on the list that I could repeat ten times (but I won’t).

On Memorial Day, do not go through the day without remembering those who gave their lives so that we can continue to celebrate such a beautiful remembrance.

Here is wishing you a peaceful day filled with gratitude.

 

Top Ten Things Not to do When Cooking

~ John W. Howell ~ 51 Comments

Top Ten things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list is the fact that I love to cook. I cook a lot and have made some interesting dishes that didn’t quite make the delicious category. So I hope you enjoy this batch.

Ten Things Not to do When Cooking.

10 If you are cooking, do not think you can walk away to let things “simmer.” If you do, at best the dish will burn. At worst, the fire department has opened an investigation to see if the configuration was set on purpose. (You always wondered what the chirping noise in those smoke detectors was huh, Buford. Well, seems they finally died.)

9 If you are cooking, do not think your brother-in-law, Tiny the WWF champ is going to act as your sous chef. If you do, at best there might be some yelling. At worst, Tiny just left his court ordered anger management session and is taking out his frustration on your new twelve piece setting of China. (I think asking him to make a souffle was over the top don’t you, Ferd?)

8 If you are cooking, and have a pan in the oven to finish, do not forget the oven mitt when you take it out. If you do, at best you’ll remember in a split second after you touch the handle. At worst, yo are now the proud owner of a new All-Clad brand on the palm of your hand. (Didn’t you notice the smoke, Buster?)

7 If you are cooking, do not think for every cup of wine in the recipe you need to drink a like amount. If you do, at best there is only one cup. At worst, you need to wonder how everyone liked the meal that you slept through. (You are no Julia Child, Tex. Oh, by the way, your wife’s lawyer just called.)

6 If you are cooking, don’t think you don’t need to follow a recipe. If you do, at best you are making scrambled eggs. At worst, the EMS driver has called the Center for Disease Control thinking there is a massive epidemic in your sick family. (So you didn’t understand some of the ingredients, Ralph. It still looked good enough to eat which was unfortunate for everyone.)

5 If you are cooking, do not try to call your local carry out and pass it off as yours. If you do, at best you’ll have to fess up. At worst, everyone will complement your effort as the best ever. (Sadly they even started to list some of your worst dishes huh, Pard?)

4 If you are cooking, do not invite anyone over for dinner until you have mastered the dish. If you do, at best no one will tell you that the meal was bad. At worst, each of your guests had an emergency phone call and had to leave. (Did you wonder why most only took one bite before the emergency, Putz?)

3 If you are cooking, do not do your famous garlic surprise the night before that real estate open house. If you do, at best the Fabreeze air freshener might cover it. At worst, the attendees will manage a one minute stay before needing oxygen. (Ever wonder why people never visit you, Jake?)

2 If you are cooking, do not think everyone loves their food spicy hot. If you do, at best you’ll have a ton of leftovers. At worst, you will have to put up with people running to the nearest faucet for relief. (A little embarrassing to have all your faucets covered by gulping dinner guests isn’t it, Bunky?)

1 If you are cooking, do not trust that automatic start on the oven. If you do, at best you can fill in with McDonald’s. At worst, the prospect of serving raw turkey to your boss has you frantically trying to make a reservation. (Seems all the restaurants are booked up huh, Goofus?)

 

 

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car

~ John W. Howell ~ 60 Comments

New Car

 

The inspiration for the list was the rotation of an old car for a new car for my wife. Yes, it was her turn for a new vehicle and brought to mind some of the things that I will never even think of doing in it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car

10 In your spouse’s new car, do not eat a fast food anything. If you do, at best the lingering smell will give you away. At worst, all efforts to contain the mustard will fail in one small conspicuous spot. (You never thought mustard could stain leather did you, Ferd?)

9 In your spouse’s new car, do not park anywhere near the shopping cart return area. If you do, at best all the returns will be in the slot. At worst, the car will collect shopping carts as if it is a magnet. (Maybe you could claim you were attacked by zombie shopping carts huh, Bosco?)

8 In your spouse’s new car do not take the dog. If you do, at best you’ll need to vacuum out the hair. At worst, the dog needed a nail trim and a bath so now the seats are not only dirty but also scratched. (You could claim a wild raccoon got in an open window or just leave home, Buford.)

7 In your spouses new car, do not pick up anything from Home Depot. If you do, at best the potting sold dirt can be cleaned up. At worst, the technician forgot to replace the oil cap on that chain saw which makes the back seat area look like a CSI crime scene. (Don’t worry about the consequences Tex. You won’t live to see tomorrow.)

6 In your spouse’s new car, do not follow that gravel truck. If you do at best you’ll stay back far enough to avoid the falling rocks. At worst, the replacement windshield is only $1200.00. (You better hope the guy can get it done today huh, Bunky?)

5 In your spouse’s car, do not park in a tight spot. If you do, at best your neighbors will take great care not to ding your car. At worst, you’ve blocked in Tiny the WWF champ who has just arrived to attend his first counseling session on overcoming claustrophobia. (No telling when he will stop trying to get out of his car. Maybe when his door falls off or your car has been crushed enough to give him freedom, Putz.)

4 In your spouse’s car, do not change the radio. if you do, at best you can remember to set it back to the original station. At worst, you will forget and be the recipient of a “no use” order. (Hard to follow that order when your car is blocked in huh, Buster? Hint. Don’t even think about taking that car.)

3 In your spouses car, do not exceed the speed limit when told not to do it. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, even though you tried to cover it up, your ticket is being used as a training event for the local police and covered by the six o’clock news. (Your best bet is hit the circuit breaker at 5:59 and blame a power outage. Handling the neighbor phone calls will be a trickier matter huh, Ralph?)

2 In your spouses car, do not have a cup of hot coffee while you drive. If you do, at best that small spill will be caught by your shirt. At worst, the unseen pothole makes the coffee go airborne leaving some interesting stain patterns on the light-colored upholstery. (You now know that those OXY-Clean commercials overpromise huh, Pal?)

1 In your spouse’s car, do not drive on that new asphalt road. If you do, at best a few spots will come off with mineral spirits. At worst, your spouse’s white car appears as if it is a prop in a new One hundred and One Dalmatian film. (The sad part is you were told to avoid that area right, Pard?)

 

Top Ten Things Your Mother Told You Not to Do

~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Mother

 

The inspiration for this list came from observing some weird behavior on the beach and wondering aloud it that person’s mother ever told them not to do what they were doing. The wondering brought up thought on what our mothers told us not to do. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 Your mother told you not to leave the house in dirty underwear. If you ignored her, at best you kept your pants on. At worst, all the people in the emergency room now know you’ve been neglected.  (You better explain that you didn’t listen before you go under, Buford)

9 Your mother told you not to talk to strangers. If you didn’t listen, at best the only stranger you met was a cop. At worst, you fell in with the wrong crowd. (Those police officers outside are pretty serious about you coming out with your hands up, Tex.)

8 Your mother told you to finish your milk. If you didn’t listen, at best you would revisit the same milk tomorrow. At worst, you would be crippled for life because of the lack a calcium in your diet. (At least that was the warning huh, Bosco?)

7 Your mother told you not to run with scissors. If you did anyway, at best the only hole made when you fell was on the new couch. At worst, you made the evening news as the only person is known to have survived ignoring a mother’s advice. (Of course, those scissors made a nice scar didn’t they, Slick?)

6 Your mother told you not to be a cowboy. If you ignored her, at best you now live in Marfa Texas. At worst, you are herding cows, eating beans, and living outside most of the year. (You thought being a cowboy meant a Hollywood contract didn’t you, Slim?)

5 Your mother told you to wash your hands and face. If you didn’t, at best there was no dinner. At worst, her prediction of catching bubonic plague has come true, and no one wants to be near you. (It could have been avoided, Putz. What’s a little soap and water anyway?)

4 Your mother told you there would be days like this. If you didn’t listen, at best you’ll think this is forever. At worst, you will make unreasonable plans to try to correct what is wrong. (So it’s raining, Ferd. Get over it and quit that silly chant.)

3 Your mother told you to tie your shoes. If you ignored her, at best everyone you meet will remind you. At worst, you will step on a shoe lace just as you decide to lean over the rail to get a  great shot of the Grand Canyon. (Funny how those screams continue to echo around, isn’t it, Buster?)

2 Your mother told you to mind your manners. If you didn’t listen, at best you can kiss another invitation goodby. At worst, you might offend Tiny the WWF champ who has just left a ten-hour manners management course mandated as part of his parole. (Notice how far your feet are off the floor when Tiny lifts you by the neck, Weezer?)

1 Your mother told you to be a gentleman. If you decide not to be, at best you might get home early. At worst, you might win the international record as the most slapped human on the planet. (You need to wake up, Boris before your face falls off.)

Top Ten Things Not to Expect on an Island

~ John W. Howell ~ 40 Comments

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this list came from listening to comments made by some of the over 100,000 visitors to our island over the weekend.  If you plan on visiting an island at least you have been warned.

10 On an island, do not expect the internet to work all day. If you do, at best you’ll miss some precious e-mails. At worst, that report that was due at the office on Friday at noon is still in your outbox Sunday night. (So much for telling the boss you were working from home hey, Homer?)

9 On an island, do not expect the ferry service to run on time. If you do, at best you will have an unplanned delay. At worst, you finally ran out of gas while sitting in the line and Tiny the WWF champ is behind the wheel of a bulldozer driving towards you. (Tiny has his orders to clear the line and no one told him how to do it. Don’t worry, Ferd, your car is now part of the reef infrastructure which is a good thing.)

8 On an island, do not expect continuous electrical service. If you do, at best you’ll miss your favorite TV show. At worst, that two days of fish you caught will give you a great surprise when you discover them at room temperature in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator. (What do they say about guests and fish after three days, huh Putz?)

7 On an island, do not think you will find low-cost anything. If you do, at best you’ll have to get over sticker shock. At worst, you may run out of money early and have to cut your vacation short. (Too bad no one wants to buy or pawn that fishing equipment huh, Bunky?)

6 On an island, do not expect to be anonymous. If you do, at best you will be confused when storekeepers call you by name. At worst, that rude behavior you exhibited while checking into the hotel will follow you everywhere. (Now that you think about it Buford, that bowl of chili that accidentally landed in your lap might not have been so accidental. BTW have you ever heard of the coconut telegraph?)

5 On an island, do not expect peace and quiet during peak tourist days. If you do, at best you will tire of trying to tell everyone to be quiet. At worst, the last folks you told to be quiet were members of the  Outlaw chapter of the Hells Angles on their annual Raise Hell Tour.(No there is no one to rescue you Bunkie. You might as well go ahead and drink that half-gallon bong of beer and get it over quickly. Also, I wouldn’t try to convince those guys that you are allergic.)

4 On an island, do not expect to find your favorite brands at the grocery store. If you do, at best you’ll be disappointed. At worst, you’ll try to make do and realize that the items you picked bear no resemblance to what you expected. (You should have read the fine print on the contents of that creamed corn, Buster. If you had you would have spared yourself the apoplectic reaction and EMS trip)

3 On an island, do not expect cell service. If you do, at best you will be highly frustrated. At worst, all those calls you placed on the mainland and asked for a call back have all called back and now assume you don’t care since your phone went to voicemail immediately. ( Gee, Ralph. That agent was so hard to find and now believes you are an inconsiderate ass. I guess that contract won’t get signed after all.)

2 On an island, do not expect to make reservations at the best restaurants. If you do, at best you’ll spend a lot of time with no results. At worst, your refusal to stand in line with forty of your closest fellow tourists means fast food three nights in a row. (Who ever said this food was fast, huh Tex?)

1 On an island, do not expect that you are the only one who has thought of a visit. If you do, at best you will be shocked by the crowds. At worst, you will run into all the people you were trying to avoid by coming to the island in the first place. (The real downer was seeing your boss in a speedo huh, Leroy?)