Tag: Top Ten Things Not to Do

Top Ten Things Not to leave in Your Car

~ John W. Howell ~ 52 Comments

 

 

The inspiration for this list came on a trip to Austin Texas a couple of weeks ago. Of course, I didn’t do any of these things, but they came to me while unloading the car. Also, I didn’t try to include kids and pets since there is nothing funny about a possible tragedy. I hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Leave in Your Car

10 Do not leave a leftover Big Mac in your car. If you do, at best you will need to ride with the windows down for a week. At worst, you will have to call Terminix to get rid of your new insect passengers.(it was only there for a week after all)

9 Do not leave your phone in your car. If you do, at best the sun will give you a new look to your case. At worst, you will wish you had bought the insurance when you get your blob’s replacement price. (no one told you those things were so delicate did they?)

8 Do not leave your laundry in your car. If you do, at best those wrinkles will be permanent. At worst, those plastic bags will become part of your fabric. (You got a lot of compliments on the new look right?)

7 Do not leave your loaded gun in your car. (Texas after all) If you do, at best the temperature will remain below the flash point. At worst, your gun will go off and put a hole in the side of your car and the three others parked in a line parallel with yours. (It was going to be a quick run into the store right?)

6 Do not leave the twelve red roses in your car. If you do, at best the recipient will not notice a slight wilt. At worst, you will present someone with twelve stems and try to explain how $70.00 worth of blooms are on the floor of your car. ( Man the sun gets hot doesn’t it?)

5 Do not leave the first-grade birthday cupcakes in your car. If you do, at best you can tell the kids they are still warm from the oven. At worst, you will be trying to sell a new treat called cupcake crumble to gullible youth. (I’ll bet they don’t believe you. What do you think?)

4 Do not leave your keys in your car. If you do, at best the key man will only charge $75.00 to open the door. At worst, the local car thieves will be able to open your door for free, but you will never see the car again. (Sure it was an accident but still.)

3 Do not leave your suitcase in the car where it can be seen. At best,  no one will notice it on the backseat. At worst, whoever took out your back window figured you had thirty pounds of gold bars in that case. (Go figure. The window will only be $400.00)

2 Do not leave your half full coffee cup in the holder. If you do, at best when you return the coffee will be stale. At worst, you will take a sip and your lip will immediately blister from the 180-degree heat. (The melted handle should have been your hint.)

1 Do not leave your valuable CD  collection in your car.If you do, at best they may sound a little warped when you play them next. At worst, you will be the proud owner of  the largest stack of fused CDs (You can spend months trying to pry them apart.)

Top Ten Things Not To Do If You’re A Mercenary in Windemere #newbook

~ John W. Howell ~ 50 Comments
Cover Art by Jason Pedersen
Cover Art by Jason Pedersen

 

As you may know, I have a great deal of respect for the talent of Charles E, Yallowitz. He is a prolific writer of prose and poetry and has a marvelous sense of humor. We were discussing a guest post in support of the launch of his latest book The Mercenary Prince and I casually suggested that he do a Top Ten Things Not to Do list. To my surprise and delight, he did one. This is a list that made me laugh out loud and decided to run it on my regular feature day. I think you will enjoy it and know you would like Charles’ fantasy stories. So here is Charles and his list.

Thank you to John W. Howell for hosting this guest post, which I hope is entertaining.  I step into the realm of the master with a ‘Ten Things’ list that relates to the latest volume of Legends of Windemere.  So here we go with ‘Top Ten Things Not To Do If You’re A Mercenary in Windemere’.

  1. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t challenge Selenia Hamilton the former Mercenary Queen to a duel. Sure it sounds like a good idea because she’s been headmistress of her academy for years and must be rusty.  Just realize that all of her students are smirking, the healer is already getting a bed ready for you, and Selenia has claimed a broom for her weapon.
  2. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t drink heavily before a big job. Your Dwarven friend might be able to do his job with a hangover, but you weren’t born with his constitution.  Few things ruin your reputation more than throwing up on the feet of your enemy.  Then again, some species consider that a marriage proposal.
  3. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t make fun of the local guards and soldiers. It might seem like a good idea at the time because you don’t have to follow orders and probably get paid more.  Yet there’s that highly decorated archer in the corner who will not be held responsible if you’re standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.
  4. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t volunteer to man the front line of a dragon hunt during your first week. It may feel like you’re being ambitious, but everyone is getting the sense that you don’t know what a dragon is.  The proud smile on your face isn’t helping and now people are taking bets on if you get stepped on, eaten head first, eaten feet first, burned to death, or run away after wetting yourself.
  5. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t track down the current Mercenary Nobles to prove you can beat them. They have their titles for a reason and might not be in the mood to let you walk away under your own power.  No, you don’t get points for bravery because you need to know when not to pick a fight.
  6. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t moon an ogre from the middle of your allies and from a mile away. Ogres are known for throwing boulders over long distances with precision and your pale keister is just asking for it.  On the plus side, you get your name on a list of warriors who have died the same way and will be forever remembered as part of the ‘Flatten Arse Army’.
  7. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t stand in the way of a caster’s spells. You sat through the explanation from the captain, heard the caster explain that fireballs do not magically miss allies, and even heard stories from friends about accidents.  Yet there you are charging ahead while your friends stay in formation because a volley of attack spells was supposed to soften the enemy.  Good job.
  8. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t steal the company priest’s holy wine. It is sweet and has a hint of cherries with no threat of a hangover.  It has been blessed by the Goddess of Purity.  Yet, you didn’t ask permission or give any prayers of thanks, so somebody is going to learn that the Gods and Goddesses of Windemere can be rather petty.  Try not to get hurt in the next battle.
  9. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t eat what your Orc allies are having. It might smell good, but it has enough spice to make the eyes of your future grandchildren cry.  They claim it hardens their body before a battle, but you think it has more to do with giving off toxic sweat.  At least you would think that if you weren’t laid out in the healer’s tent hearing that you no longer having stomach lining.
  10. If you’re a mercenary in Windemere, don’t go it alone. Mercenaries aren’t like adventurers and there is success in numbers.  Join one of the mercenary armies or team up with others that are looking for a group.  Maybe you’ll make friends and a fortune at the same time.  Just don’t join up with the creepy guy in the corner.  Never work with the creepy guy in the corner.

 

Check out my newest book

LEGENDS OF WINDEMERE: THE MERCENARY PRINCE

And visit me at

LEGENDS OF WINDEMERE

@cyallowitz

Top Ten Things Not to Do In a Bookstore #JusJoJan

~ John W. Howell ~ 72 Comments

book store

 

This list is inspired by observing some pretty unusual things on visits to bookstores. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to do In a Bookstore

10 In a bookstore, do not set up a Coleman lantern next to the most comfortable chair. If you do, at best you will tip-off the store personnel that you intend to overnight. At worst, once set up there is no way you can leave the chair without someone else jumping into your spot.(That double shot low foam latte is now calling on you for relief)

9 In a bookstore, do not decide to skim through a couple of rare books while eating a brownie. If you do, at best you’ll be able to avoid discovery of the brown frosting spot on page 121. At worst, you are now looking at buying a book whose price tag makes your monthly food expense look cheap. (Hard to eat a book right?)

8 In a bookstore, do not wear your jammies, bunny feet, and carry your Dachshund. If you do, at best you’ll be forced to stay in the juvenile section to quell the laughter. At worst, the store manager will place a call to the local mental health provider requesting an intervention. (The store seems just like home doesn’t it?)

7 In a bookstore, do not decide to review a book using your out loud voice. If you do, at best the rest of the patrons will ask the manager to throw you out. At worst, your review may not sit well with one individual who happens to be the brother of the author and best-selling author of the title,”Fear No One: Bear Handed Self Defense.” (He really does have big hands doesn’t he?)

6 In a bookstore, do not spend hours looking at the magazines. If you do, at best you may be taken for a homeless person embarrassed by the offer of a free cup of coffee. At worst, you may be mistaken for a secret agent who has been waiting for the contact person now being interrogated by Homeland Security. (What do you mean a phone call?)

5 In a bookstore, do not think you can do all your reading for free. If you do, at best you will be eventually recognized and asked to leave. At worst, the security camera has recorded all the times you made a margin note or bent a page, and your bill is now overdue. (You should have worn a mask. Right Sparky?)

4 In a bookstore, do not try to sneak into the erotic section. If you do, at best store personnel will think you’re going to steal something. At worst, the security department will hold it’s breath hoping you will make a fool of yourself on camera.(You know Erotica is a genre right? No need to sneak.)

3 In a bookstore, do not ask the manager to stock your book as if you’re a reader and not the author. If you do, at best the manager will ignore your request. At worst, the manager will ask for your name and telephone number so he can call you when the book comes in. (Wow that was embarrassing)

2 In a bookstore, do not ask the clerk if the price on the discounted book is the best they can do. If you do, at best the person will confirm the price as firm. At worst, the clerk will call the manager who will make note of your request and politely inform you that the price is firm while memorizing your face for the next encounter. (After all this place is not a flea market)

1 In a bookstore, do not come back for a while if you are greeted by name as if you are walking into Cheers bar. If you do, at best you are recognized as a good customer, and it’s okay. At worst, the store personnel has your number, and you might want to take the hint.(After three days fish and guests start to smell alike)

This post is part of the Just Jot it January fun. If you would like to join visit this link http://lindaghill.com/2015/12/31/just-jot-it-january-2016-rules/

jjj-2016

Sunday – Fifty – Two Views of the Gulf

~ John W. Howell ~ 23 Comments

2015-11-21 08.30.18

A little bit of rain is threatening. The tides are high, and there are coastal flood warnings (Not to worry happens all the time.) The daytime temps are in the mid-seventies and night in the upper 60’s. We expect a cold front to hit on Monday which will keep the daytime temperatures in the lower seventies and night could get as cold as fifty. That little black dot just above the horizon is a pelican, and the others are gulls. (and you thought your screen needed cleaning)

Last week’s photo

IMG_0880

Top Ten Things Not to do During a Storm

~ John W. Howell ~ 55 Comments

storm

Stock photo. Not a picture of the three-day storm

The inspiration for this list is a recent three-day storm here in Texas. Although I had enough sense not to do these things, they did come to mind as I was going through the various circumstances.

Top Ten Things Not to do During a Storm

10 If you are in a storm, do not decide to drive around to check out the damage. If you do, at best you may find yourself stranded by high water. At worst, you might be trying to explain to the nasty looking guardsman why you didn’t heed the warnings to stay inside. (You have to wonder if that rifle has real bullets)

9 If you are in a storm, do not call the electric company to report a power outage. If you do, at best you will be on hold for hours. At worst, you will be reminded that the entire grid is down and asked the embarrassing questions designed to point out the dark all around you. (Never thought to look out the window huh?

8 If you are in a storm, do not rush your grocery store for a month’s worth of food and water. If you do, at best you will be in the company of your hysterical neighbors. At worst, you will find yourself in a primal fight over a roll of toilet tissue with Shultz, who is the county cow tossing champion. (And you almost wrestled it away before you blacked out)

7 If you are in a storm, do not ignore the weather warnings. If you do, at best you might be surprised at how fast things come at you. At worst, you might be challenged to swim for safety with only a duckie ring as a flotation device. (And you read on the duckie that it is not to be used as a flotation device. What’s that hissing sound?)

6 If you are in a storm, do not try to move through the darkened house without a flashlight. If you do, at best your shins will take a beating on the furniture you fall over. At worst, that candle you lit will somehow fall into the pile of newspapers you left in the living room last night. (And guess how long it will take the fire department to reach you?)

5 If you are in a storm, do not keep driving in the heavy rain. If you do, at best you will stress out to the maximum. At worst, your car might be invisible to that giant 18 wheeler behind you with the devil himself at the wheel. (It must be the devil given the recklessness of the driving)

4 If you are in a storm, do not think all your emergency gear takes the place of common sense. If you do, at best the gear may not fully perform. At worst, you will think you will be able to ride out the storm only to change your mind two minutes after it is too late. (That wall of water is called a Tsunami)

3 If you are in a storm, do not think you need to go outside to fix something in the middle of wind and downpour. If you do, at best you will get very wet. At worst, you could find yourself being carried away along with some your neighbor’s roof shingles. (You might be able to turn around in a mile or so.)

2 If you are in a storm, do not think a quick dash to the mailbox doesn’t require wet weather outer gear. If you do, at best you will need a bath and hot cocoa to thaw out. At worst, the chill you received on the jaunt turns into something that keeps you in bed for a week. (And what you are doing cannot be remotely described as enjoying yourself.)

1 If you are in a storm, do not think you have to brave the elements to get to work. If you do, at best you will show up, and no one else will be there. At worst, you will have battled the storm for hours and once you get there all questions about your judgment skills will be answered. (And you thought you were indispensable)

Ten Things Not to do If You Don’t Normally Shop for Whatever You are Buying

~ John W. Howell ~ 15 Comments

Funny-Shopping-11

This list was inspired by having to fill in on a few occasions when it was necessary for me to venture into places where I’ve never been. These examples are not necessarily places where you’ve never been they are just the places where you are not normally found buying things.

 

Ten Things Not to do If You Don’t Normally Shop for Whatever You are Buying.

10 If you don’t normally buy birthday cakes, do not take it upon yourself to alter the instructions you have been given. If you do, at best those colors that looked so good in the store clash with the birthday party decorations. At worst, that nickname you think is so cute was not to be shared with anyone outside the house and now 25 of your child’s friends have a brand new torture vehicle. (Don’t worry the name will eventually die out in twenty of thirty years.)

9 If you don’t normally buy tires, do not listen to the guy wanting to sell four of the $300 super slick Michelin. If you do, at best, you will now have 60,000 miles of wear guarantee. At worst, your car has about 30,000 more miles in it before it dies. (The tires sure look good as the tow truck pulls it away.)

8 If you don’t normally buy power tools, do not pick up the first thing on sale. If you do, at best the tool might be on sale for a reason. At worst, the money you saved on the tool will be more than offset by the cost of the repair contractor. (You were sure the saw would work long enough to finish the project weren’t you.)

7 If you don’t normally buy toys for Christmas, do not buy anything, not on the list. If you do, At best you may set the record for the most gifts bought for any Christmas. At worst, your preschool kids might be too young for the mini drone and Xbox games they find under the tree. (At least they will have fun with the boxes.)

6 If you don’t normally buy the vacation airline tickets, do not think those add-ons are a bargain. If you do, at best you will find you did not need that extra pillow or rancid can of nuts. At worst, you may find you may have the distinction of paying the most to go the shortest distance.(You must wonder why the airline keeps sending you letters asking when you will book your next trip.)

5 If you don’t normally buy appliances, do not go alone to buy anything in the appliance category. If you do, at best you may have to pay a restocking fee for its return. At worst, you will have something in your house that no one will use. (And it is right in the hallway where you run into it every night.)

4 If you don’t normally buy automobiles alone, do not say yes to that yellow sports convertible. If you do, at best you will be broadcasting a midlife crisis. At worst, you may find it too cramped for comfortable sleeping quarters. (And now the yard starts to look good.)

3 If you don’t normally buy clothing alone, don’t grab that suit simply because you saw it in an ad. If you do, at best the tailor just might be able to adjust some of the youthful features. At worst, you will be obvious in your choice of clothes that will not be age appropriate. (To the delight of co-workers and passers-by.)

2 If you don’t normally buy wine, do not make a selection based on either high or low price. If you do, at best you will pay more for a good wine than necessary. At worst, your low-priced selection might be good for bumper rust removal but not drinking. (Lucky you grabbing a bottle on your way to the boss’s house.)

1 If you don’t normally buy snacks for the football game, do not buy what you think will be good for the people watching football. At best, you will have a lot of untouched snacks. At worst, you may end up watching the game by yourself and your pet rabbit. (Of course it is not logical but that’s football.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Watching Football on TV

~ John W. Howell ~ 45 Comments

watching football

 

The inspiration for this list came on Saturday and Sunday while I had invested some quality time in College and Steeler football. Of course, I had some things to do and tried doing them while watching the games.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Watching Football on TV

10 If you are watching football, do not work on your taxes. If you do, at best you might have to redo the numbers every time an announcer mentions a score on TV. At worst, you could have a problem next April when your refund amount reads first and ten. (sure you can explain that to the investigator)

9 If you are watching football, do not try to carry on a conversation with anyone. If you do, at best you will not fool anyone when you answer the wrong question with the wrong answer. At worst, you could be vulnerable to saying yes to one of those tricky issues relating to vacation destinations or style of furniture. (Hope you enjoy the 24-hour hot yoga class while on vaycay)

8 If you are watching football, do not try to write a post for Monday. If you do, at best you may miss a mistook or two. At worst, the logic and care you put into your writing may be lost as you get muddled in your thought process and try desperately to make a comeback but find yourself fighting out of an awkward place and running eighty yards for a touchdown. (Sure you can watch and write at the same time)

7 If you are watching football, do not try to figure out how to install that iPhone app. If you do, at best you’ll never get your Apple password correct. At worst, you will fail to notice the $99.00 cost of the “Write like Steven King” app you just installed. (You can bet it works too)

6 If you are watching football, do not try to help the kids with their homework. If you do, at best you will demonstrate why they should never ask again. At worst, your help being the impetus for the remedial intervention program in which they become enrolled at the school. (Well you did try hard didn’t you?)

5 If you are watching football, do not try to cook an elaborate meal. If you do, at best the ingredients your forgot won’t be missed. At worst, you will have made a concoction that the government will want to use to undermine the morale of enemy troops. (You thought it was going to be perfect. Right?)

4 If you are watching football, do not try to talk on the phone to your boss. If you do, at best your lack of attention will not be held against you. At worst, your boss will think you are having some cognative problem and will assume you are drinking. (Too bad your boss has been to rehab cause now you are going)

3 If you are watching football, do not answer the door and have visitors drop in. If you do, at best you will ignore them. At worst, you will offend the folks who stopped by not paying attention to them, and they happen to be the people in charge of the pre-school home visit staff. (This was the premier pre-school in your state)

2 If you are watching football, do not assume everyone in your household shares your passion. If you do, at best you will wonder why you are watching the game alone. At worst, you might even find you are home alone, and there is no note telling you where everyone has gone. (Hard to believe not everyone wants to watch twelve hours of Football on a weekend hey Bucky)

1 If you are watching football, do not commit to watching the kids as well. If you do, at best they will not wander out of the house. At worst, you will be investigated by CPS for keeping the kids tied to the couch for a full four quarters. (You might have gotten away with just a half)

Ten Things Not to do on Labor Day

~ John W. Howell ~ 17 Comments

labor day.

 

In honor of Labor Day and since I’m currently out-of-town I’ve decided to boil the top ten list down t the most important items. Let’s all remember those who make our lives easier and more pleasant. The remembrance includes we authors.

Top Ten Things Not to do on Labor Day

10 through 1

On Labor Day have fun but do not drink and drive. If you do, at best you are a fool. At worst, you could hurt or kill an innocent person not to mention your guilty self.

Happy Labor Day all.

Top Ten Things Not to do When the Stock Market Goes Nuts

~ John W. Howell ~ 57 Comments
'Stocks rise on news that there's no other place to put your money - after interest rates hit rock bottom.'
‘Stocks rise on news that there’s no other place to put your money – after interest rates hit rock bottom.’

 

The inspiration for this list is last week’s volatility in the price of stocks. Although I was tempted to do almost all of them I refrained and kept myself under control. Hopefully, I will keep the list handy for the next time since I have a feeling there will be many more thrill rides this year.

Top Ten Things Not to do When the Stock Market Goes Nuts.

10 When the stock market takes a dive, do not go near an open window. If you do, at best you will think about jumping out. At worst, you will take a jump and then realize the window is on the ground floor. (Pretty embarrassing dropping thirty-six inches)

9 When the stock market takes a dive, do not call your broker. If you do, at best they will talk you into calming down. At worst, you will be calm as you lose 20% of your 401K. (Now don’t you feel better for the call?)

8 When the stock market takes a dive, do not panic. If you do, at best you will embarrass yourself in front of co-workers and family. At worst, you will need to seek a specialist on hair replacement when the panic is over. (That bare spot on the side definitely needs attention)

7 When the stock market takes a dive, do not sell anything. If you do, at best you will feel in control but poorer. At worst, you will incur losses that will take years to replace and now you waited too long to get back in, and the prices are already too high. (I know it’s complicated)

6 When the stock market takes a dive, do not listen to the advice of the analysts. If you do, at best you will make a sudden move, and you will be already too late to save money. At worst, you will listen to the wrong analysis and do the opposite of the right thing. (After all no two analysts have the same advice)

5 When the stock market takes a dive, do not let others know how bad things look. If you do, at best you will have to deal with their concerns and advice as well as the problem of lost value. At worst, you will be compelled to make an unwarranted move to convince others you are in control. (This is true if you are the custodian of others funds)

4 When the stock market takes a dive, do not check your accounts. If you do, at best you will be tempted to make a sudden ill-advised move. At worst, you will focus on the negative reports to the point where you will need shock therapy to make a comeback. (Negative reports are not valuable in the current situation.)

3 When the stock market takes a dive, do not read the financial news. If you do, At best you will be convinced the world is coming to an end. At worst, you will need to have a cardiologist on speed dial to handle your recurring symptoms of heart failure. (Makes you want to be a trained EMS tech so you could self-administer defibrillation. You can handle those paddles yourself right?)

2 When the stock market takes a dive, do not go into the local pub. If you do, at best the problem will still be there tomorrow along with that gigantic throbbing head sharing your bed. At worst, you will get it into your mind to have it out once and for all with the stock seller person and the police intercept you before you get to where they live. (Don’t worry about the DUI. As bad, as it is it’s easier to handle than what you were thinking about doing last night.)

1 When the stock market takes a dive, do not forget why you invested in stocks in the first place. If you do, at best you neglect your long-range financial goals. At worst, you will put all your money into a box under the bed with the possibility that it will be worth much less in the future or a burglar will find it. (Not to mention you arguing with the firefighters about getting back into your burning house.)

Top Ten Things to Never Ever Say Out Loud

~ John W. Howell ~ 43 Comments
I've Got a Big Mouth
I’ve Got a Big Mouth Photo http://www.winwes.com

 

This list was inspired by hearing many things said in an out loud voice that would have been better kept to the inside. Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things to Never Ever Say Out Loud

10 Never say out loud, “When is your baby due?” If you do, at best the person will give you a time of expected delivery but a frown for asking a personal question. At worst, you will be apologetic for making the assumption of motherhood when, in fact, the person has a different condition that the non-recognition of same requires numerous hits about your head and body. (And you thought that umbrella was on account of the rain forecast)

9 Never say out loud, “Do you smell something?” If you do, at best those around you will wrinkle their nose and assume you are an animal. At worst, big Brutus who is behind you will think you are making fun of the fact that he works on an oil rig that will become apparent to you on your way to the ER. (Brutus has some sensitivity about smelling like oil although he has not mastered the art of bathing)

8 Never say out loud, “It’s my turn.” If you do, at best you will have someone choosing to disagree. At worst, the crowd behind you in line will sense the insecurity of such a statement and push forward in an attempt to eliminate your position in line. (You should not say it even if the clerk asks “Who’s next?”)

7 Never say out loud, “My you have a healthy appetite” If you do, at best you will call attention to the fact that the person ate quite a bit. At worst, you will demonstrate your lack of social grace and someone might hand you a well-deserved knuckle sandwich. (Which will be 100% fat-free.)

6 Never say out loud, “Is that appropriate wear for a date?” If you do, at best you might be responsible for the opening salvo of a great teen war. At worst, you might be told that what is worn is no body’s business and what are you going to do about it. (The next move and ultimate fault for the episode is yours.)

5 Never say out loud, “You out of razors?” If you do, at best there will be some additional comment about you not liking a particular look. At worst, you will come to understand that razor use is now part of certain banned behaviors of a back to nature group. (That you had no idea existed before now.)

4 Never say out loud, “I hear you’re in Weight Watchers.” If you do, at best you can expect an unwelcome comment about your weight. At worst, you could be on the receiving end on an invitation to engage in an unnatural act with yourself. (And we are not talking about spanking.)

3 Never say out loud, “Did you have a choice of color?” If you do, at best the subject of your humor will not laugh with you.  At worst, you might be on the receiving end of some very critical comments about your lavender colored Ford Focus. (And you know you had a choice.)

2 Never say out loud, “Your children are certainly a handful aren’t they?” If you do, at best you will have precipitated a great test of will on the part of the parent. At worst, you will understand what it is like to pick on a baby bear cub. (Running up a tree is probably the best solution.)

1 Never say out loud. “You don’t eat meat. What’s wrong with you?” If you do, at best those who don’t eat meat will avoid you like the plague. At worst, several members of the Professional Vegan Wrestler Society will provide a free message, and you will agree there is nothing wrong with people who choose to avoid eating meat. (Admit it you never felt so relaxed and possibly so paralyzed.)