Ten Things Not to Do On a Monday

August 10, 2015August 8, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 42 Comments

This list was inspired by facing Monday over 3800 times so far. Each and everyone was a little different, and it was not because of the day but rather because of the day before. Hope you enjoy it.

10 On Monday, do not bustle into the office as if you don’t have a hangover. If you do, at best you will broadcast your desperate condition. At worst, you may just burn out by ten o’clock and will have a rough time explaining how you managed to sleep at your desk until after everyone went home. (And you were drooling too)

9 On Monday, do not go into your boss’s office with a demand for higher pay. If you do, at best you can expect a locked door next time. At worst your boss is fighting a bad headache, and you are now considered a pain in another part of the body. (We are too gentrified to mention what that part is)

8 On Monday, do not get near fellow workers. If you do, at best they will thank you for moving further away given the garlic fumes from your midnight Caesar salad that surround you. At worst, you will confirm to them you just had to have one more round of fire water before last call at 2:00 am. (Funny how two hours of sleep and gallons of coffee won’t get rid of the alcohol vapor)

7 On Monday, do not use a laser pointer during your presentation. If you do, at best your shaking hands will be magnified by the frantic little dot moving around the screen. At worst, you will accidentally point the laser out the window just in time to catch the eye of a 747 pilot on final approach to the airport. (The next thing you will face is an interrogation by Homeland Security)

6 On Monday, do not volunteer to be homeroom, parent. If you do, at best the kids will whisper to the teacher you smell funny. At worst, as you realize you need to visit the restroom, quick you stumble over little Johnny sliding into the hallway and involuntarily render the trip to the restroom redundant. (You also notice how each child can say “eeewww” at a different pitch. (And you thought there would be no teaching moment out of the situation)

5 On Monday, do not meet with friends unless they were with you the night before. If you do, at best they will not understand your current state. At worst, since they are friends, you can expect an interdiction even though you think you will live. (As luck would have it you decided you were going to live after that first glass of wine)

4 On Monday, do not operate any dangerous equipment. If you do, at best you will harm the machinery and not yourself. At worse, you will be screaming for help as the piece of equipment you forgot to turn off heads down the street. (Don’t worry a runaway steamroller can’t cause much harm)

3 On Monday, do not walk the dogs. If you do, at best you will forget where you live. At worst, the dogs will sense some weakness and will take the opportunity to haul you on your stomach through the neighborhood in pursuit of the neighbor’s cat. (Too bad you put on your best outfit for the presentation this morning)

2 On Monday, do not take the carpool to work. If you do, at best you will be asked a hundred questions about your appearance. At worst, your fellow carpoolers will decide to let you off after a couple of miles, and you’ll have to make your way to work anyway. (And you thought that dime store cologne was going to cover up your night before reek)

1 On Monday, do not get out of bed. If you do, at best your college try will get you an F. At worst, you will expose yourself to any one of the nine things on this list. (Trust me it is safer in bed)

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Attend a Writer’s Conference

July 27, 2015July 21, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 43 Comments

Since I’m at a Writer’s conference right now, I decided to look up my post from last year and check to see if there are any pointers I should follow. I decided to re-publish the post from last year since I really couldn’t improve on it. Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Attend a Writer’s Conference

10. If you attend a writer’s conference, do not think you need to impress the faculty with your knowledge of the writing craft. If you do, at best you will sound ridiculous teaching best-selling authors about writing. At worst, one of the best-selling authors may ask you how many books you have sold.

9. If you attend a writer’s conference, do not volunteer to be the first to read your story out loud. If you do, at best you will finish your reading and no one will applaud since you obviously did not hear the instructions. At worst, you will finish your reading and the instructor will use you as the example of what not to read aloud.

8. If you attend a writer’s conference, do not continually ask questions in the form of personal anecdotes. If you do, at best you will demonstrate to faculty and fellow attendees how insecure you really are in your writing. At worst, you may find the faculty intentionally ignoring your raised hand during Q&A to the delight of your fellow authors.

7. If you attend a writer’s conference, do not think one of the agents attending will remember and represent you if you try to monopolize their time. If you do, at best you might find that agent has decided to go home early and will remember you forever. At worst, the agent will believe you to be a stalker and report you to the police and remember you forever.

6. If you attend a writer’s conference, do not try to maneuver yourself next to best-selling authors at the social events. If you do, at best you will eventually be discovered and the authors will know you for a not so good reason. At worst, you will be the laughing-stock at the faculty gathering prior to each event which will result in an informal shunning procedure.

5. If you attend a writer’s conference, do not believe you become even more interesting to best-selling authors after too many glasses of wine. If you do, at best you will be the only one at the conference who believes you to be a serious author. At worst, you may just go over the line and need help getting to your room which will leave a lasting impression on all those who witness the event as well as those who may not want to sign a contract with someone who has a drinking problem.

4. If you attend a writer’s conference, do not jump to the front of the serving lines to be the first to grab your food so you will be ready to squeeze into the spot next to John Lescroart. If you do, at best you may have the conference attendees believing you have some kind of eating disorder. At worst, you might be sending a message to the conference that you will do all most anything to get ahead and will be able to count with one finger the number of people who might be willing to help you

3. If you attend a writer’s conference, do not assume all the conference attendees can learn from your experience. If you do, at best you will eventually have difficulty finding people who will talk to you. At worst, you might be really humiliated when you discover the attendees you are trying to impress have signed with major publishing houses and dearly want to stay away from you.

2. If you attend a writer’s conference, do not think others will be impressed by your numbers of followers on social media. If you do you, at best you may find out some successful authors do not personally do social media and will not be impressed. At worst, you will find that your numbers no matter how large are still smaller than others in attendance.

1. If you attend a writer’s conference, do not promise to send e-mails and to keep in touch after the conference and then fail to do so. If you do, at best the attendees will forget about you and it will be your loss. At worst, you will be remembered as one who doesn’t follow through and at some point in the future you may have to live down that trait.

Top Ten Thing Not to Do if You Live at a Vacation Destination

July 20, 2015July 21, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 78 Comments

This list has been inspired by observing the interaction between vacationers and locals at some vacation destinations in which I have found myself as a resident. Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do If You Live in a Vacation Destination

10 If you live in a vacation destination, do not honk your horn at the drivers who habitually go ten miles below the speed limit. If you do, at best they will go even slower. At worst, you may find yourself on the receiving end of a very frustrated lost out of towner with a car full of kids and someone asking “if we should have stopped and asked directions.” (And they might just have their semi-automatic weapon collection along for the ride.)

9 If you live in a vacation destination, do not put off grocery shopping until the end of the week. If you do, at best you will be able to check out before your ice cream is liquefied. At worst, you will have spent three hours fighting out of towners for items on your list only to find you lost a majority of the battles. (And the last six-pack of beer went to an immense guy named Tiny. ( At least that’s what the tattoo you read on the fingers of his fist said before you passed out.)

8 If you live in a vacation destination, do not drive your car downtown between Thursday and Sunday night. If you do at best, your round trip will be several hours. At worst, you will be forced to sleep overnight in your car since you parked in the only spot available only to find all the streets have been closed to traffic until dawn (And you didn’t bring a toothbrush,)

7 If you live in a vacation destination, do not plan to have dinner out from May 30^th until September 2^nd. If you do, at best you will be disappointed with the quality and service. At worst, you will be served hours after you order and will receive a meal lower than fast food quality and priced like Michelin Four Star. (And you ran out of things to talk about an hour before.)

6 If you live in a vacation destination, do not look forward to a peaceful summer. If you do at best, you will finally give up and stay inside. At worst, you will become known to the police as “that crank with no sense of humor.” (And even get a busy signal on a 911 call).

5 If you live in a vacation destination, do not think by being rude to the visitors somehow they will never come back. If you do, at best you will receive some rudeness in return. At worst, you may just be rude to the wrong person and end up looking like a raccoon. (Tough to explain as well)

4 If you live in a vacation destination, do not think everyone picks up after themselves. If you do, at best you will become disillusioned quickly. At worst, you will find yourself explaining to the police why you are threatening out of towners with a litter pick up stick. (And they have their Tasers at the ready)

3 If you live in a vacation destination, do not even think of going to the Dairy Queen. If you do, at best all your cones will look like shakes. At worst, your blood pressure will hit overdrive as you watch the two clerks try to handle one hundred customers. (And you wonder why management is surprised by a rush of business during vacation time)

2 If you live in a vacation destination, do not give anyone permission to park in your driveway just for a moment. If you do, at best you will not be able to get out for a few hours. At worst, you will have the vacationers in your driveway for two weeks. (And the car is locked)

1 If you live in a vacation destination, do not casually mention the idea people should visit. If you at best you will only get a few who will take you up on your “offer.” At worst, you will have a houseful of permanent residents, and you’ll be lucky if you even know them. (And they remind you of being out of beer.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Fair

July 13, 2015July 11, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 32 Comments

Since it is summer, and there are a number of fairs and carnivals I thought it would be a good idea to provide a list of things not to do in case you plan on visiting one or more. The inspiration for this list is some fair visits and watching a number of people do what should not be done. Hope you enjoy

Top Ten Things Not to do at the Fair.

10 If you go to the fair and must take a shuttle from the parking lot, do not start singing the Trolley Song from Meet me in St Louis. If you do, at best the crowd will groan at the cliché. At worst, you will forget the words beyond “clang clang clang went the trolley” and look like an idiot. (Hint its “ding ding ding went the bell”)

9 If you go to the fair, do not put your kids on leashes as if they were pets. If you do, at best you will find folks tripping over the lines. At worst, the kids may decide to play as if they are dogs and lift a leg at an inopportune time.

8 If you go to the fair, do not walk around while stuffing your face with fair goodies. If you do, at best you might not notice the ketchup running down your arm and alarm others who think you’ve been wounded. At worst, you’ll resemble some of the exhibits in the swine barn. (The plus side you might win a ribbon)

7 If you go to the fair, do not fall for the deep-fried novelties booth. If you do, at best you will hate yourself in the morning. At worst, you will jeopardize your expensive dental work on the deep-fried Snickers bar. (On second thought it might be worth it)

6 If you go to the fair, do not pay money to have someone guess your weight. If you do, at best even if the guesser is wrong the world now knows how much you weigh. At worst, the guesser will get your weight exactly right and, unfortunately, will announce to the crowd that he wasn’t sure, so he added ten pounds to his guess. (And you did not get a kupee doll)

5 If you go to the fair, do not ride the ride where everyone is screaming. If you do, at best you will get a sore throat from your own screaming. At worst, you will make a complete fool out of yourself crying and begging the operator to let you off. (And this is before the ride starts)

4 If you go to the fair, do not think the house of fun is fun. If you do, at best you will be surprised at all the screaming and find it is you. At worst, you will have trouble holding onto that 32-ounce big gulp you just finished. (And it’s not the cup we are talking about)

3 If you go to the fair, do not think you will win a lot of stuffed animals at the midway. If you do, at best you will finally figure out the games are not winnable by ordinary people. At worst, you will spend way more that the value of the animal you eventually win. (Of course you can always keep trying and invest enough that you could have used to buy a car)

2 If you do to the fair, do not announce in a loud voice how stinky you think the barns smell. If you do, at best you might get a few frowns. At worst, you might be invited outside for a chat by Daniel Yoder the national tractor throwing champ. (He will want to find out what part of cow poop you don’t like)

1 If you go to the fair, and hear the word “stampede” do not stand there and wonder what it means. If you do, at best the herd will take the next aisle. At worst, you will be faced with a bunch of panicked cows or horses who will be more than happy to continue the same course whether you are in the way or not. (Those hooves are hard)

Top Ten Things Not to do at a High School Reunion

July 6, 2015July 5, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 39 Comments

This list is as a result of seeing some high school reunion photos and messages on a number of social media sites. I have never attended a high school reunion, so the information captured here has been matters of here say and recounting of others about their reunion.

Top Ten Thing Not to do at a High School Reunion

10 If you attend a high school reunion, do not pose for photos that you don’t know where they will end up. If you do at best, the photos will only be traded among classmates. At worst, they will end up on the “what the not to wear, eat, or drink” website.(Which will go viral and you’ll be getting calls from the Today show to appear on their segment called EXCESS)

9 If you attend a high school reunion, do not pretend to be what you are not. If you do, at best your little fib will be seen as a joke. At worst, your profile on the class newsletter will be featured under the title Most Successful Grad. (Which will be picked up by the news services and published by your newspaper)

8 If you attend a high school reunion, do not bring a date that you do not know simply because they are beautiful. If you do, at best your charade will be found out early with no consequences. At worst, your date will discover the true reason you brought them and will make an exit and a scene remembered for the next five reunions. (Only you passing away will halt the story telling)

7 If you attend a high school reunion, do not rent an expensive car for your grand entrance. If you do, at best you will look overly anxious to impress and get the opposite reaction. At worst, the valet will take your rental car for a spin and inadvertently leave the side chrome on the street fleeing a hit and run accident. (Which you will easily be able to explain to the judge)

6 If you attend a high school reunion, do not try to hide the fact that you don’t remember everyone’s name. If you do, at best you will look like a fool trying to check name tags without being caught. At worst, you will call someone by a different name, and the name will be associated by that person to an old flame or rival. (You will have lots a bunch of points on that one)

5 If you attend a high school reunion, do not take this time to argue fine points about your grades with your old teachers. If you do, at best the teachers will wish they had flunked you. At worst, one of them may remember you failed to turn in that assignment in the eleventh grade that will require you to repeat the course and nullify your high school diploma. (Try explaining that to your boss)

4 If you attend a high school reunion, do not think your old flame wants to begin where you left off just by smiling at you. If you do, at best you will be embarrassed to learn they are happily married. At worst, you will be a little too forward thinking all is forgiven only to be arrested as you leave the building for assault. ( Gotta remember no means no)

3 If you attend a high school reunion, do not assume the free drinks at the bar carry no consequences. If you do, at best you may exhibit a little tipsiness that everyone will think is cute. At worst, you will have the honor and resulting infamy of passing out on top of the Congratulations Class cake. (The clothes you’re wearing belong to your roommate as well.)

2 If you go to a high school reunion, do not offer to be part of the planning committee for the next one. If you do, at best everyone will forget your offer. At worst, you will be appointed chairperson with all the rights and responsibilities to make the nest one the best ever. (You will also want to get a Xanax prescription)

1 If you go to a high school reunion do not tell everyone you meet that “we must get together.” If you do at best, they will all wonder if you are having a breakdown. At worst, the ones you least want to see will stay in touch long enough to cop a free overnight on their way through your town. (Plus they have some kind of foot infection that requires you to burn your sheets when they leave)

Top Ten Things Not to do on July Fourth

June 29, 2015June 28, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 56 Comments

Since this weekend is the Fourth of July holiday, I hunted my archives to find last year’s list so I could just duplicate it and call it a day. I found out very quickly that I didn’t do a fourth of July top ten list last year or the year before or ever. So as if to imitate the old saying “work is the curse of the drinking class” I had to get on the keyboard and create something. I hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do on July Fourth

10 On July, Fourth do not keep saying Happy Birthday America since everyone knows that. If you do, at best you will get repeated eye rolls (suspect you wouldn’t care). At worst, you will notice yourself alone much of the day.

9 On July, Fourth do not bake a cake and put candles on top. If you do, at best no one will be able to blow them out. (There are supposed to be 239 of them not including the one to grow on) At worst, you will find someone to blow them out along with the side wall of your dining room.

8 On July Fourth do not think beer was made to be rendered extinct. If you do, at best your body will give you some dramatic warning signs that it is time to go home. At worst you will ignore those signs and have some lovely “did I really say that?” moments the next day.

7 On July Fourth do not think you can avoid the kiddie tricycle parade (especially if your next door neighbor is the organizer). If you do, at best your kids will think you should be turned into the government as an anarchist (they won’t know what that means) At worst, the Homeland Security Agent will find the story very amusing while he fills out your extradition papers to Guantanamo.

6 On July, Fourth do not put red, white and blue food dye in anything. (Although it might be tempting) If you do, at best your party goers will look like the before photo of the Orthodontist. At worst someone will laugh out loud at a joke just after a full gulp of your doctored brew in front of your new white silk couch. (You can imagine how the red, white and blue through the nose pattern spray effect do not go with the glove gray chair and ottoman.

5 On July, Fourth do not invite your boss to your house for a cookout. If you do, at best no matter what you cook they will be allergic to it. At worst the allergy is one of those things that can only be stopped with an emergency ball point pen to the trachea. (Your boss will not take kindly to the blue ink throat tattoo even though it was a lifesaver).

4 On July, Fourth do not be the one to authorize fireworks in front of your house. If you do, at best the rest of the neighborhood will disappear when the police arrive. (Leaving you to explain the smoldering remains of what looks like World War III) At worst, the direction of the fireworks will have a trajectory such that ground zero for landing will be your roof. (Where much excitement and the fire department will be concentrated).

3 On July, Fourth do not volunteer to host the block party this year. If you do at best, you will hope the home makeover will be cheaper this year. At worst, you will be denied a Federal designation of a disaster area and not be eligible for relief funds.

2 On July, Fourth do not allow the grill master to be in charge no matter how many feelings get hurt. If you do, at best the char on everything can be removed with little effect. At worst, you will be calling for pizza delivery right after the call to the fire department.

1 On July, Fourth do not think that a couple of more drinks will not do you any harm. If you do, at best just the fact that you have rationalized a couple more will haunt you tomorrow. At worst, you will wake up tomorrow making the same promise not to do that ever again and asking someone to shoot you. (They won’t of course)

Top Ten Things Not to do In Preparation for a Tropical Storm Named Bill.

June 22, 2015June 21, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 35 Comments

This list is inspired by watching as the community prepares for the landfall of Tropical Storm Bill. Not all of the list were seen on this one storm but have been gathered from a number of sights on similar occasions.

Top Ten Things Not to do In Preparation for a Tropical Storm Named Bill.

10 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not rush to the store to buy week’s worth of paper goods. If you do, at best you might have a slight overstock situation. At worst, your overstock situation could be interpreted as a hoarding disorder which will require family and friend intervention. (Also, if the storm is severe enough you’ll have a lot of soaked paper goods on hand)

9 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not throw a tropical storm party. If you do, at best you will need to house all the party goers until the water recedes from your neighborhood. At worst, you and your guests might end up on your rooftop hoping the water gets no higher and rescue is imminent. (What you don’t know is the rescue crew has set low priority on large groups who obviously should know better and have been over served)

8 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not count on beer as having enough liquid potential as to replace water in your precious reserves. If you do, at best you might have a hard time staying hydrated and coherent at the same time. At worst, you may find yourself trading family heirlooms for a cold bottle of water.

7 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not count on items run by electricity for safety and comfort. If you do, at best you will only have a few hours of power outage. At worst, the power will be out for an unreasonable amount of time and so your battery driven items will go dark. (You may not miss Candy Crush but look out when it is time to call 911)

6 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not ignore the weather warnings. If you do, at best you may find it inconvenient when you can’t get around since you are not prepared. At worst, the sound of your roof going airborne will come as quite a shock along with the need to swim for your life.

5 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not drive through water that is over the road and you do not know how deep. If you do, at best you will make it across and only have wet feet. At worst, you and your car will give new meaning to the term “amphibian vehicle”. (Don’t forget cars do not float forever)

4 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not continue to play outside when it is lightning. If you do, at best your game will be played with a sense of worry. At worst, you and your fellow players will collect enough jolts to qualify as an independent power source for the local utility.(They will thank you at the memorial service)

3 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not think following instructions by city authorities is for sissies. If you do, at best, the storm will make landfall in someone else’s front yard. At worst, you will be battered a bruised and dependent on the care of those you thought so cowardly. (And they had to stay around to take care of you)

2 If you are faced with a tropical storm and are told to evacuate, do not try to leave with everything you ever owned. If you do, at best your possessions will take valuable space needed for water and food. At worst, you will not be able to keep all these things with you and will eventually have to off-load them at the side of the road. (If left in the house chances are they would be perfectly safe)

1 If you are faced with a tropical storm, do not lose your calm. If you do, at best your example will cause others to be concerned. At worst, once everything is normal again your behavior will be one of the stand-out events of the whole experience. (And no one will leave it alone)

Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time

June 8, 2015June 7, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

The inspiration for this list is the fact that it is graduation season. When you think of all the graduations that are being held in the US alone, you realize the potential exists that these ten things occur with similar results. I hope you enjoy the list and can manage to avoid them.

Ten Things Not to Do at Graduation Time

10 If you are a graduate, do not put something dumb on your mortar. If you do, at best even if your family sees you they will not want to admit you belong to them. At worst the picture taken of your message will go viral and will show up every time someone searches your name on Google including prospective employers.

9 If you are a parent of a graduate, do not blow any type of horn when your child receives their diploma. If you do, at best you will cause your kid to want to find another home. At worst, that big over trained guy in front of you is fighting a hangover and will help you stow your horn where you will not want it stored.

8 If you are a speaker at a graduation, do not tell the graduates that the world is looking to them for salvation. If you do, at best your cliché will remind everyone just how out of it you are. At worst, your words will be quoted in some satirical publications who will point out just how many times graduating classes heard the same words throughout the millennium.

7 If your graduate has decided to skip the ceremony, do not fight the decision. If you do, at best your child will make attending the ceremony sound like parental abuse. At worst the child will attend with something dumb written on the mortar to the tune of “my parents made me do this,” and you can expect the message broadcasted worldwide.

6 If your family is experiencing a graduation, do not think this is indicates your job as a parent is complete. If you do, at best you will be surprised by requests for help as like commences. At worst, you will need counseling to overcome the feeling of failure as your child s to move into your spare room.

5 If you are the graduation ceremony organiser, do not think everything will run smoothly because of your careful planning. If you do at best, you will be unprepared when something goes wrong, and there is a long period where no one can hear the speaker. At worst, you will not know what to do with a thousand Champaign corks bouncing off the facility and school officials even though you banned the presence of alcohol at the ceremony.

4 If you are holding a graduation party, do not leave your house even though you trust your loving child to be trustworthy and in control. If you do, at best a few more guests who were not expected will attend with little consequence. At worst, the state police will looking for you to help fund the fire department, EMS and SWAT team expenses that were incurred to break up the party and put out the fire destroying yours and two neighbor houses

3 If you have a graduate, do not over do the gift. If you do, at best your child will expect a similar prize for other accomplishments. At worst, someday it will need to be replaced and the words about the child being on their own when you gave the gift are forgotten.

2 If you are attending a graduation ceremony, do not treat the event as if it is a football game. If you do, at best you will get strange looks when you enter the stand with the team colors and jersey. At worst, you will get a lot of people wanting to buy the bratwurst you are grilling at your tailgate gathering.

1 If you have a graduate, do not keep telling them how amazed you are that they made it through school. If you do, at best they will think you did not have faith in their abilities. At worst, you will give the child a complex that will be manifest in the longing for a career in fast food service as a grill person.

Top Ten Things Not to do if Your Inhibitions Have Been Set Free

June 1, 2015May 31, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 38 Comments

The inspiration for this list is a lifetime of observation of the behavior of people who finally let down their defenses. The lowering of defenses may have been as a result of being over-served or just a decision of not wanting to hold back any longer. Although becoming open and honest without pretense can be a right thing more often that not the consequences of id liberation make such a move the source of regret. I hope you enjoy the list.

Ten Things Not to Do if Your Inhibitions Have Been Set Free.

10 If you feel uninhibited, do not free your body from clothes to match your mind. If you do, at best you will be all alone in the woods. At worst, you will become aware of your condition as the mall cops wrestle you to the floor and try to hide your parts.

9 If you feel uninhibited, do not ignore the speed laws. If you do, at best you’ll get home in one piece. At worst, you will find it hard to explain to the justice system that you no longer think the laws of the land apply to you since you feel free. You will also risk having a mandatory psych evaluation before your trial.

8 If you feel inhibited do not walk out of a store with unpaid merchandise. If you do, at best you can explain you forgot to check out, and no harm done. At worst, you will be escorted to the rear of the store by a guy with SECURITY on his shirt past the fifth grade class of your kid’s school on their annual retail field trip.

7 If you feel uninhibited, do not overestimate the value of the truth. If you do, at best your truthful comments will be limited to the weather. At worst, your truth-telling on some subjects will lead you to being asked to leave the country for good by some somber looking people.

6 If you feel uninhibited, do not blow your horn to encourage the pack of Hells Angles to get out of your way. If you do at best, they might move over to let you pass. At worst, you will find yourself on the back of a Harley Softail hanging on to Moose for dear life with a next stop in Sturgis. Oh and your car is in several members saddlebags. They promise they will put it back together after the rally.

5 If you feel uninhibited, do not tell the checkout person about all the things you couldn’t find today. (Even if asked) If you do, at best you will realize no one cares about what you couldn’t find. At worst, the checkout person will call the manager with the words “whining customer on register four.” Those behind you will be calling for a horse and rope.

4 If you feel uninhibited, do not take the survey you are offered during your call to customer service of the electric company to report that your power has been off for four hours. If you do, at best you will not see your power for three days. At worst, your survey will be handed to the uncooperative employee and includes your home address, phone number and hours when your electricity usage is lowest. You will wonder what that black car is doing across the street every night. (Hint, leave town)

3 If you feel uninhibited do not answer the question “where would you like to go for dinner?” If you do, at best you will resent the fact you had to decide the rest of the night. At worst, you will go into a rant about why you always have to decide everything. You will ask “why just this once can’t you make a $#@*&% decision.” The result will be carry out and silence at dinner.

2 If you feel uninhibited and someone from management asks what you think should be done to improve the workplace, do not follow your instinct to tell everyone what you think. If you do, at best your coworkers will endeavor to move away from you. At worst, you will in the course of two minutes of meaningful suggestions render yourself a pariah and perfect candidate for that assignment in Iraq.

1 If you feel uninhibited, do not visit any store with merchandise priced any higher than a dollar. If you do, At best you will snap out of it in time. At worst, you will finally be stopped by the credit card security group who honestly believe your card has been stolen since you limit was reached in only two stops and one was a diamond store.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Bar

May 25, 2015May 24, 2015 ~ John W. Howell ~ 36 Comments

This list was inspired by listening to stories related by our house guests who had made the bar scene during the Memorial Day Weekend. All of these are hearsay and not a matter of personal experiences. I hope you enjoy.

Ten Things Not to do While Visiting a Bar

10 If you are visiting a bar, do not stand too close to someone expecting them to talk to you. If you do, at best they will move away. At worst, you might be surprised to find yourself an unwilling volunteer for a jujitsu demonstration with you as the victim.

9 If you are visiting a bar, do not order a flaming drink for any reason. If you do, at best you will confirm your narcissistic tendencies. At worst your concoction will catch the back bar on fire, and the four-alarm fire department cost will put your credit card into default.

8 If you are visiting a bar, do not join others in doing shots. If you do at best, you will fall unconscious. At worst, you will be on your feet but engaged in behavior that your will not recall at your trial.

7 If you are visiting a bar, do not get up on the karaoke stage for any reason. If you do, At best you will be coerced into singing a song that you have never heard of before. At worst, you will be idiot enough to tackle Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and to attempt to sing all the parts.

6 if you are visiting a bar, do not join a discussion about sports if you don’t know anything about sports. If you do, at best your companions will have proof that you are an idiot. At worst, Beefcake Muldoon the guy who’s facts you were challenging will finally have had enough and provide you with your solo flying lesson. (That landing will be pretty rough)

5 If you are visiting a bar, do not insist that the band play your song. If you do, at best the band will ignore you totally. At worst, the huge guy with the word SECURITY on his back will be helping you to the exit to the amusement of the patrons and joy of the band.

4 If you are visiting a bar, do not take drinks and not offer to buy a round. If you do, at best you will soon be drinking alone. At worst, your companions will shame you into buying a drink and suddenly being surprised that the round includes a drink for everyone in the bar as arranged by your former friends.

3 If you are visiting a bar, do not challenge the house champion to a game to impress others. If you do, at best you will be beaten so badly that all those who you wanted to impress think you are an idiot. At worst, you will get into several double or nothing bets that will end up with you no longer having a car.

2 If you are visiting a bar, do not send back a plate of food o matter how bad. If you do, at best those who you are with will wonder why you had the poor judgement to order food in a bar in the first place. At worst, you plate will return from the kitchen with some additional ingredients courtesy of the night cook and his dog.

1 If you are visiting a bar, do not accept the pickled egg eating challenge. If you do, at best you will be finished for the night. At worst, you will be feeling the physical effects of too many pickled eggs for the next week including sleeping alone in the yard.