Originally posted on March 16th, 2016. I thought it would be fun to revisit since it is totally fiction.

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This list was inspired by taking a moment to walk in the shoes of the one thousand or so Billionaires in this world. I wanted to imagine how hard it would be to stay on the good side of the household staff dedicated to serving day in and day out. So come with me on this fictional walk among the privileged.

Top Ten Things Not to Say to Your Household Staff

10 Do not ask your chauffeur to wash the car. If you do, at best, you’ll get a look that can’t be explained. At worst, you will be treated to a ride through the car wash while you are supposed to be headed for the airport. (Your chauffeur never left the front seat either)

9 Do not ask your butler to empty a wastebasket. If you do, at best, the basket will be there untouched. At worst, you will find the basket contents under your clothes laid out for the day. (That lint is a killer, isn’t it?)

8 Do not ask the chambermaid to get a cup of coffee. If you do, at best, you will have a very grumpy butler on your hands. At worst, the chambermaid may bring you a coffee that is only 99% spit-free. (One would hope you knew the duty roster better )

7 Do not ask the cabana person to pick some leaves out of the spa. If you do, at best, he will report you to the pool man. At worst, he will pick the leaves out, and the pool man will threaten him to the point where he is forced to leave. (This was the best cabana person of the last five who quit after picking out some leaves)

6 Do not ask the yard man to sweep the garage. If you do, at best, the yard man will tell the garage man that the garage needs cleaning. At worst, the yard man will sweep out the garage along with the twenty irreplaceable bolts required to hold your Rolls Royce transmission in place. (Don’t worry. The replacement bolts can be sent from the UK for $1000.00 each plus shipping.)

5 Do not ask the chef to run out and pick up a few things at the store. If you do, at best, they will get someone else to do it. At worst, you will still be perplexed why tonight’s dinner is Kraft Macaroni and cheese. (There is nothing wrong with a sample of proletariat cuisine even though your guest is the German ambassador. Right?)

4 Do not tell the House administrator you think there is too much spending on household items. If you do, at best, the spending will increase. At worst, you must get used to lower winter and higher summer temperatures in the house and hot dogs twice a week. (How do you feel about a foot-high lawn? Those sheep are having trouble keeping up.)

3 Do not mention to your pilot that you thought the last landing was a bit rough. If you do, at best, she will try a softer one next time. At worst, you might be treated to a few touch-and-go landings with several touches. (You never knew this plane could bounce that high, did you?)

2 Do not tell your yacht captain how to get from here to there. If you do, at best, he will avoid heavy seas even though they are on your chosen route. At worst, you will spend several agonizing hours wondering if you will survive the storm that was right in the way. (You never knew how much the body could send back till now, did you?)

1 Do not tell your personal trainer how to train you. If you do, at best, your workout will be something short of worthless. At worst, you will be hurting in all the wrong places and times. (Pretty tough picking up that pen to sign those paychecks, heh?)

 

This post originally ran on February 22, 2016. I think the advice remains the same today. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came on a trip to Austin, Texas two weeks ago. Of course, I didn’t do any of these things, but they came to me while unloading the car. Also, I didn’t try to include kids and pets since there is nothing funny about a possible tragedy. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to Leave in Your Car

10 Do not leave a leftover Big Mac in your car. If you do, at best, you will need to ride with the windows down for a week. At worst, you will have to call Terminix to get rid of your new insect passengers. (Bad deal since it was only there for a week, after all)

9 Do not leave your phone in your car. If you do, at best, the sun will give you a new look to your case. At worst, you will wish you had bought the insurance when you get your blob’s replacement price. (No one told you those things were so delicate, did they?)

8 Do not leave your laundry in your car. If you do, at best, those wrinkles will be permanent. At worst, those plastic bags will become part of your fabric. (You got a lot of compliments on the new look, right?)

7 Do not leave your loaded gun in your car. (Texas, after all) If you do, at best, the temperature will remain below the flash point. At worst, your gun will go off and put a hole in the side of your car and the three others parked in a line parallel to yours. (It was only going to be a quick run into the store, right? That SWAT team looks pretty serious.)

6 Do not leave the twelve red roses in your car. If you do, at best, the recipient will not notice a slight wilt. At worst, you will present someone with twelve stems and try to explain how $70.00 worth of blooms are on the floor of your car. ( Man, the sun gets hot, doesn’t it?)

5 Do not leave the first-grade birthday cupcakes in your car. If you do, at best, you can tell the kids they are still warm from the oven. At worst, you will be trying to sell a new treat called cupcake crumble to gullible youth. (I’ll bet they don’t believe you. What do you think?)

4 Do not leave your keys in your car. If you do, at best, the keyman will only charge $75.00 to open the door. At worst, the local car thieves will be able to open your door for free, but you will never see the car again. (Sure, it was inadvertent but still.)

3 Do not leave your suitcase in the car where it can be seen. If you do, at best, no one will notice it on the backseat. At worst, whoever took out your back window figured you had thirty pounds of gold bars in that case. (Go figure. The window will only be $400.00)

2 Do not leave your half-full coffee cup in the holder. If you do, at best, when you return, the coffee will be stale. At worst, you will take a sip, and your lip will immediately blister from the 180-degree heat. (The melted handle should have been your clue.)

1 Do not leave your valuable vintage CD collection in your car. If you do, at best, they may sound a little warped when you play them next. At worst, you will be the proud owner of the largest stack of fused CDs (You can spend months trying to pry them apart or just call it an avant guarde sculpture.)

 

This list was first published on February 16th, 2016. I still this it is good advice today.

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This list is inspired by a weekend out-of-town and overhearing some of the darnedest things said by others.

Top Ten Things Not to Talk About When Others Can Hear

10. When others can hear you, do not ask your partner if they brought the money. If you do, at best, we all know you’re okay to spend. At worst, the mugger behind you will love the confirmation you should be ripped off. (Could have whispered that one, right?)

9 When others can hear you, do not ask a server if the food is good. If you do, at best, they’ll walk away to get water, and you have no more information than when you arrived. At worst, they will lie and say it is all good, and you now have a choice to order or leave. (Gotta wonder why you came here in the first place)

8 When others can hear you, do not negatively comment on the neighborhood decline. If you do, at best, everyone will ignore you. At worst, you will have offended Little Bubba, who just happens to be the new POA president and local gang lord. (I guess that answers the question about your missing tires when you return to your car, which is now on cement blocks)

7 When others can hear you, do not ask the butcher if he has any better cuts of meat. If you do, at best, he will say that all his cuts are on display. At worst, he will be offended at the implication of poor quality and explain to everyone in line you are obviously not a judge of good meat. (Better than being chased around the store by a half-crazed man with a butcher knife)

6 When others can hear you, do not discuss your plans for the evening. If you do, at best, you’ll sound like an idiot. At worst, the local cat burglar who followed you here will make a note of the hours of your absence from your house. (The rooms do look bigger now that you have no furniture.)

5 When others can hear you, do not complain about your neighbors. If you do, at best, those that hear have no idea who you or your neighbors are. At Worst, those that hear are relatives of your neighbors and are now approaching you with malice in their eyes. (As a side note, they are all members of the Dingle Brothers kickboxing team.)

4 When others can hear you, do not answer “how are you doing?” with anything but “fine.” If you do, at best, your story will sound a notch south of pathetic. At worst, you will come home to a ringing phone, and it will be your mother calling to find out the problem. (If it was that bad, you should have told her. Right?)

3 When others can hear, do not try to impress them with your knowledge of anything. If you do, at best, you will sound pompous. At worst, the person hearing you will be an expert in the area on which you are pontificating and be quick to point out how wrong you are. (Man, who was to know that guy was an oenophile?)

2 When others can hear you, do not try to get a better price on a car. If you do, at best, the salesperson will try to direct you to an office. At worst, the salesperson will announce loudly that the car is below cost now and can’t take one more penny off. (Imagine that. The price is written in sharpie black)

1 When others can hear you, do not try to talk the police officer out of a ticket. If you do, at best, you have guaranteed the officer will write one up. At worst, you might be the cause of a call for backup and a charge of trying to bribe an officer. (Your “Ten Bucks” offer for the Policeman’s Ball ticket was a little out of line.)

 

This post was published on February 8th, 2016. Still hoping for spring, so here it goes again. Wishing you a Happy Presidents Day.

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I know most of the US and much of the northern hemisphere of the world is in winter conditions, and I would not think about going to the zoo this time of year. However, since I am deeply committed to providing only the highest quality of information *cough* designed to keep you out of trouble, this list is being proffered in preparation for an early spring. (Guaranteed). As a plus, the title has a little alliteration which is fun.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Zoo

10 At the zoo, do not tempt the Ostrich to eat the keys to your car. If you do, at best, it will ignore you for the kid’s ice cream cone. At worst, you will be following the Ostrich around the enclosure with a shovel and bag, hoping for efficient movement of the keys. (Lucky you when it comes to the separation process as well. Ew.)

9 At the zoo, do not make fun of the giant gorilla. If you do, at best, you might receive a warning from the park employee. At worst, you might be wearing some of his lunch. ( And you don’t want to know when he ate it.)

8 At the zoo, do not let your inner child join your kids on the carousel. If you do, at best, you might lose your footing as you get off. At worst, you will be too dizzy to stand and find yourself on the ground. ( Did that person just call you a drunk?)

7 At the zoo, do not think letting the goat eat your hair is cute. If you do, at best, you will learn goats pull grass and hair out by the roots. At worst, you will need to get to someone who can even out what has become a bald half of your head. (Those little ones move fast, don’t they?)

6 At the zoo, do not roar at the lion. If you do, at best, the lion will understand you are dope. At worst, the lion will feel the need to mark you as part of his territory. (A little breezy riding home on the roof of the car, isn’t it, Bunky.)

5 At the zoo, do not let your kids off leash and out of your sight. If you do, at best, they will only get lost and found quickly. At worst, you will be frantic and arrive at the monkey enclosure in time to see your kids trying to talk the head of the monkey clan out of his favorite banana. (That monkey looks like he may lose his temper any moment, doesn’t he?)

4 At the zoo, do not go to the bird show and yell when the hawk swoops low. If you do, at best, the bird will become frightened and give you a present before returning to its perch. At worst, the hawk will think you are prey and attempt to lift you by your head. (Those talons can hang on, can’t they?)

3 At the zoo, do not try to lure an animal to the edge of its enclosure with snack bar food. If you do, at best, you might get a cute picture of them eating out of your hand. At worst, you might be making a rushed trip to the ER when you realize that french fry was still attached to your finger. (That made a pretty funny photo, and a video would have gone viral.)

2 At the zoo, do not think the elephant can’t reach you with a water spray. If you do, at best, you have to run fast to avoid it. At worst, you will be drenched and will have to leave early. (What made you think the elephant wanted part of your burrito anyway?)

1 At the zoo, do not volunteer at any of the wild animal shows. If you do, at best, you could embarrass your family with your screams. At worst, that carrot you are holding in your mouth for the sea lion might just be one inch too low. ( Your nose will be better in a couple of weeks)

 

The inspiration for this list is my friend Tom. He sent me an e-mail with a list of ten things to do to be happy. Of course, my schtick is “things not to do,” so I turned it around a little. I hope you enjoy the list.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Want to Remain an Unhappy Grump

 

10 If you want to remain unhappy, do not take care of your health. If you don’t take care at best, you’ll have a lot to complain about. At worst, we will all be glad to be rid of you. (Not a nice thing to say at the memorial service, eh, Ralph?)

9 If you want to remain unhappy, do not engage in a hobby that you are passionate about. If you don’t engage, at best, you’ll have nothing to talk about with others. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ, will engage you in his hobby. (Tiny loves to bounce grumpy people off hardwood floors, Ace. Is that him heading your way now?)

8 If you want to remain unhappy, do not connect with some good friends and laugh heartily. If you don’t connect, at best, the frown will become permanent. At worst, you’ll become that old guy that people call in for a welfare check. (Better put away that hash pipe Stewart. The police are checking on you again.)

7 If you want to remain unhappy, do not concern yourself with having enough income and bank balance to live comfortably. If you aren’t concerned, at best, you could collect aluminum cans. At worst, trying to make a living with that “Will Work for Food” scam is tough. (Is that snow falling, Skipper? It might be time to call it a day.)

6 If you want to remain unhappy, do not help disadvantaged people in any way you can. If you don’t help, at best, you’ll keep your Howard Hughes profile. At worse, you need not expect anyone to give you a hand when you need it. (Forget that lift to the gas station, which is only ten miles from here, Dork)

5 If you want to remain unhappy, do not travel to new places with friends and family. If you don’t travel, at best, you can keep looking at those travel magazines. At worst, you will believe your trip to the corner store is a major outing. (You want to try a different direction this time, Ferd?)

4 If you want to remain unhappy, do not listen to music you like. If you don’t listen, at best, you can hum that same tune off-key. At worst, you’ll fall for every conspiracy theory proffered on talk radio. (I see you have your new tin foil hat in place, Nerd.)

3 If you want to remain unhappy, do not take pleasure in seeing your children grow into fine individuals who do well for themselves. If you don’t take the pleasure, at best, you can cuddle that fur ball you call a cat. At worse, maybe you can apply to adopt a grandpa and take pleasure in someone else’s kids. (Of course, you have to be nice, Putz.)

2 If you want to remain unhappy, do not read a book that is of interest. If you don’t read, at best, those coloring books may help. At worse, you can stay glued to the TV and go from one mindless show to the next. (With any luck, most will be reruns. Excuse me, but does it feel like your brain is running out of your ears, Slug?)

1 If you want to remain unhappy, expect everyone to give you what you need, and do not accept what life throws at you. If you want this attitude, at best, you should not leave the house. At worst, every day will be a monumental hill of disappointment to climb. (You are the pessimist’s pessimist, Roy. I’m glad you don’t live next door to me.)

 

This post originally ran on August 8th, 2014. I still like the advice and hope you enjoy it.

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Here is the 59th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. The inspiration for this came from standing in several lines Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Find Yourself Waiting Your Turn

10 If you are in line at a ferry, do not turn off your car. If you do, at best, the minute you do, the line will start moving. At worst, your car won’t start, and the friendly folks behind you will figure out a way to heave your vehicle over the side of the access terminal into thirty feet of water.

9. If you are in line at the pharmacy, do not try to eavesdrop on the confidential medical briefing of the person in front of you. If you do, at best, you may hear something that your ears won’t forgive or forget. At worst, the store will hit you with a HIPPA violation and send you to the back of the line again.

8. If you are in line at the ten items or less express checkout at the supermarket, do not comment on the twenty items the person ahead of you has just laid on the counter. If you do, at best, you will hear the old excuse, “Oh, I didn’t notice that this was ten items or less.” At worst, you will be savagely attacked by a seemingly quiet, unassuming person who (unknown to you ) was just released from a psychiatric hospital due to the lack of funding.

7. If you are in line at a movie theatre, do not groan loudly when the person in front of you wants to know the movie’s rating. If you do, At best, you will need to suffer through other questions like, “How long does it run?” At worst, you will be faced with the spouse of the person in front of you wondering what your problem is and asking you kindly to cut them some slack while showing you a close-up of a fist.

6. If you are in line at a convenience store, do not make any comments about a person in front of you who wants to pick out the specific scratch–off ticket but can’t make up their mind. If you do, at best, you make have to explain your problem when asked. At worst, you will need to apologize for your impatience when you learn that the ticket is being purchased as a twenty-fifth wedding anniversary present.

5. If you are in line at the bank, do not prompt the half-asleep person standing in front of you behind the wait here line that a teller is open. If you do, at best, the person may pop awake and think you are being fresh. At worst, the person will take offense since they were not paying attention and ask you something about “Where’s the fire?”

4. If you are in line at the doctor’s office, do not complain to the receptionist about how valuable you consider your time. If you do, At best, you will be waiting twice as long since the receptionist just had an argument with the doctor about how little she makes. At worst, the receptionist will somehow lose your place, and you will still be there when the doctor and the receptionist leave for the night, asking you to come back tomorrow.

3. If you are waiting to be served at one of the hottest bars in town, do not wave at the bartender. If you do, at best, he will simply wave back and wait on others. At worst, the bartender will finally give you the old what’ll you have and then tell you they don’t have it, and maybe they will across the street.

2. If you are waiting to be seated in a trendy restaurant, do not think you will be seated without tipping the Matre D. If you do, At best, you will finally have to break down and either tip or go elsewhere. At worst, you will get a seat in the bar just as they are starting the fastest cigar smoker contest and there are twenty-four contestants all lighting up at the same time.

1. If you find yourself waiting in line at Starbucks, do not try to cut the line. If you do, at best, you will be chastised by the teenage barista. At worst, your double decaf, soy, low foam latte will have a taste resembling the faint essence of dirty socks, and you should not ask why.

 

 

This post was run on November 30th, 2015. Since we still have holidays and shopping, maybe it will be helpful. I hope you enjoy it.

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Top Ten Things Not to do While Shopping for the Holidays

The inspiration for this list is some years of watching the same mistakes made during this festive time.

10 While shopping for the holidays, do not think other shoppers are out to get you. If you do, at best, you will resemble someone who needs hospitalization. At worst, you may retaliate against the city kickboxing champ who accidentally ran into you. (Notice how he doesn’t use his hands to kick your butt.)

9 While shopping for the holidays, do not have a few drinks to ease the pain. If you do, at best, you may give into temptation and overspend. At worst, you will have the best time you’ll never recall except for the car full of stuff you still don’t know how it got there. (That ringing phone is the credit card company wanting to know if your card has been stolen.)

8 While shopping for the holidays, don’t go out without a list. If you do, at best, you will forget some gifts. At worst, you will spend more than you thought and yet have a nagging feeling you forgot a meaningful gift. (How did that office gift exchange go since you were empty-handed?)

7 While shopping for the holidays, do not leave the house without a travel plan. If you do, at best, you will cover the stores in a pattern looking like the infinity symbol. At worst, you will need to use your GPS to finally figure out where you are and to locate the stores you have already passed. (You now notice you passed the gift shop twice but still can’t figure out how to get back there?)

6 While shopping for the holidays, do not take small children with you. If you do, at best, you all will be frustrated doing precisely the opposite of what you want to do. At worst, you will start to deviate from your shopping plan and end up at the McDonald’s Playground trying to figure out what to tell everyone who will not get a gift this year. (That Big Mac and supersized order of fries are starting to look pretty good right now.)

5 While shopping for the holidays, do not think you are saving money by buying things on sale that you know are not perfect gifts. If you do, at best, you can give gift receipts so the gift can be returned. At worst, you will get the ideal gift from the person you gave a less-than-perfect present. (That is Murphy’s Law of scrimping on a gift for someone. It goes like this. The expense of the gift you receive is indirectly proportional to the cheapness of the gift you give. In other words, the less you spend, the more someone else spends on you.)

4 While shopping for the holidays, do not think a gift card takes the place of an actual present. If you do, at best, you will get your shopping done fast and early. At worst, you could spend more on the gift card than you would on a thoughtful gift. (The problem is the recipient knows the amount. Darn it)

3 While shopping for the holidays, do not take gift suggestions from ads on tv. If you do, at best, your present could represent an uninspired choice. At worst, the gift you give could be totally inappropriate. (Yeah, that Victoria’s Secret or Home Depot item should have stayed in the store. Not to mention the My Pillow slippers.)

2 While shopping for the holidays, do not wait until the last minute to decide what gifts to buy. If you do, at best, you will be running around not knowing what you had in mind. At worst, you will be faced with difficult decisions given that everything you want to buy is unavailable. (The net result is much more expensive than originally planned since now your choice is limited to a diamond or a new car.)

1 While shopping for the holidays, do not avoid taking water and eating before the trips. If you do, at best, you will be without energy and parched. At worst, you will finally be forced to take a break at a sit-down restaurant and spend an enormous amount on something to eat and drink. (Sure, you could wait an hour for a fast-food chicken sandwich, but time is money, right?)

This post originally ran on November 28th, 2016. I think with the approaching Thanksgiving holiday, it would be a good thing to review it again. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came from the just completed Thanksgiving feast. I was very observant and did not see any of these things at our dining room table. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 At the dining room table, do not burp out loud. If you do, at best, you can recover with an “excuse me.” At worst, all the relatives will now have verified evidence that you are an animal. (They long suspected it was true, and you just gave them confirmation, Ferd)

9 At the dining room table, do not help yourself to food from someone else’s plate. If you do, at best, you’ll be told to stop. At worst, your cousin Tiny, the WWF champ, will demonstrate a new hold. (Quit whining. That hand will be okay once you get a cast, Bunky)

8 At the dining room table, do not chew your food with your mouth open. If you do, at best, you will gross out your family. At worst, grandma will take the opportunity to lecture everyone on proper manners. (Nothing like a two-hour tutorial on chewing with your mouth closed to put everyone on edge)

7 At the dining room table, do not assume your hostess meant for you to eat the fruit and nasturtiums out of the centerpiece. If you do, at best, you will be thought of as odd. At worst, your hostess will calmly advise everyone that the centerpiece is to be donated to the local old folks’ home, and she would appreciate it if there was something left to give. (Your face and the red table runner are the same color, huh, Wheezer)

6 At the dining room table, do not talk about sex, politics, or religion. If you do, at best, no one will follow suit. At worst, you will be the root cause of a donnybrook that does not have a good ending. (Those police officers are here to escort you to the station, Bud. It seems your brother-in-law didn’t take kindly to the wine bottle bonk.)

5 At the dining room table, do not insist on rolling in the TV to watch football. If you do, at best, this will be your last invitation to dinner. At worst, your table mates will shout at each other above the game’s noise, and it won’t be worth the hassle. (Did you ever think you should be on a deserted island, Buster?)

4 At the dining room table, do not text or otherwise use your phone. If you do, at best, your family’s looks should make you stop. At worst, someone will finally pluck the phone from your hand. (If you’re lucky, they won’t dump it in the gravy bowl)

3 At the dining room table, do not make any Earth-shattering announcements. If you do, at best, the long silence will be a killer. At worst, everyone will be thrown into disarray and will be sorry for whatever they said in reaction later. (Surely you could have waited to announce you were running away to join the circus, Chum)

2 At the dining room table, do not do your best imitation of a strong silent type. If you do, at best, the conversation will be on everything but your interests. At worst, your table mates will believe something is bothering you and won’t let it rest until you come clean. (They were sure surprised to learn that what they see is what they get, Dork.)

1 At the dining room table, do not think you must race everyone to a clean plate. If you do, at best, you’ll be waiting a long time for others to finish. At worst, the general impression will be that you haven’t had a good meal for a while. (That sure flies in the face of all that success bragging you were doing before dinner, huh, Bruser?)