Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Want to Remain an Unhappy Grump

February 13, 2023February 12, 2023 ~ John W. Howell ~ 89 Comments

The inspiration for this list is my friend Tom. He sent me an e-mail with a list of ten things to do to be happy. Of course, my schtick is “things not to do,” so I turned it around a little. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 If you want to remain unhappy, do not take care of your health. If you don’t take care at best, you’ll have a lot to complain about. At worst, we will all be glad to be rid of you. (Not a nice thing to say at the memorial service, eh, Ralph?)

9 If you want to remain unhappy, do not engage in a hobby that you are passionate about. If you don’t engage, at best, you’ll have nothing to talk about with others. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ, will engage you in his hobby. (Tiny loves to bounce grumpy people off hardwood floors, Ace. Is that him heading your way now?)

8 If you want to remain unhappy, do not connect with some good friends and laugh heartily. If you don’t connect, at best, the frown will become permanent. At worst, you’ll become that old guy that people call in for a welfare check. (Better put away that hash pipe Stewart. The police are checking on you again.)

7 If you want to remain unhappy, do not concern yourself with having enough income and bank balance to live comfortably. If you aren’t concerned, at best, you could collect aluminum cans. At worst, trying to make a living with that “Will Work for Food” scam is tough. (Is that snow falling, Skipper? It might be time to call it a day.)

6 If you want to remain unhappy, do not help disadvantaged people in any way you can. If you don’t help, at best, you’ll keep your Howard Hughes profile. At worse, you need not expect anyone to give you a hand when you need it. (Forget that lift to the gas station, which is only ten miles from here, Dork)

5 If you want to remain unhappy, do not travel to new places with friends and family. If you don’t travel, at best, you can keep looking at those travel magazines. At worst, you will believe your trip to the corner store is a major outing. (You want to try a different direction this time, Ferd?)

4 If you want to remain unhappy, do not listen to music you like. If you don’t listen, at best, you can hum that same tune off-key. At worst, you’ll fall for every conspiracy theory proffered on talk radio. (I see you have your new tin foil hat in place, Nerd.)

3 If you want to remain unhappy, do not take pleasure in seeing your children grow into fine individuals who do well for themselves. If you don’t take the pleasure, at best, you can cuddle that fur ball you call a cat. At worse, maybe you can apply to adopt a grandpa and take pleasure in someone else’s kids. (Of course, you have to be nice, Putz.)

2 If you want to remain unhappy, do not read a book that is of interest. If you don’t read, at best, those coloring books may help. At worse, you can stay glued to the TV and go from one mindless show to the next. (With any luck, most will be reruns. Excuse me, but does it feel like your brain is running out of your ears, Slug?)

1 If you want to remain unhappy, expect everyone to give you what you need, and do not accept what life throws at you. If you want this attitude, at best, you should not leave the house. At worst, every day will be a monumental hill of disappointment to climb. (You are the pessimist’s pessimist, Roy. I’m glad you don’t live next door to me.)

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Find Yourself Waiting Your Turn

December 12, 2022December 11, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments

This post originally ran on August 8th, 2014. I still like the advice and hope you enjoy it.

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Here is the 59th installment of Ten Top Lists of What Not to Do. The inspiration for this came from standing in several lines Hope you like it.

Top Ten Things Not to do if You Find Yourself Waiting Your Turn

10 If you are in line at a ferry, do not turn off your car. If you do, at best, the minute you do, the line will start moving. At worst, your car won’t start, and the friendly folks behind you will figure out a way to heave your vehicle over the side of the access terminal into thirty feet of water.

9. If you are in line at the pharmacy, do not try to eavesdrop on the confidential medical briefing of the person in front of you. If you do, at best, you may hear something that your ears won’t forgive or forget. At worst, the store will hit you with a HIPPA violation and send you to the back of the line again.

8. If you are in line at the ten items or less express checkout at the supermarket, do not comment on the twenty items the person ahead of you has just laid on the counter. If you do, at best, you will hear the old excuse, “Oh, I didn’t notice that this was ten items or less.” At worst, you will be savagely attacked by a seemingly quiet, unassuming person who (unknown to you ) was just released from a psychiatric hospital due to the lack of funding.

7. If you are in line at a movie theatre, do not groan loudly when the person in front of you wants to know the movie’s rating. If you do, At best, you will need to suffer through other questions like, “How long does it run?” At worst, you will be faced with the spouse of the person in front of you wondering what your problem is and asking you kindly to cut them some slack while showing you a close-up of a fist.

6. If you are in line at a convenience store, do not make any comments about a person in front of you who wants to pick out the specific scratch–off ticket but can’t make up their mind. If you do, at best, you make have to explain your problem when asked. At worst, you will need to apologize for your impatience when you learn that the ticket is being purchased as a twenty-fifth wedding anniversary present.

5. If you are in line at the bank, do not prompt the half-asleep person standing in front of you behind the wait here line that a teller is open. If you do, at best, the person may pop awake and think you are being fresh. At worst, the person will take offense since they were not paying attention and ask you something about “Where’s the fire?”

4. If you are in line at the doctor’s office, do not complain to the receptionist about how valuable you consider your time. If you do, At best, you will be waiting twice as long since the receptionist just had an argument with the doctor about how little she makes. At worst, the receptionist will somehow lose your place, and you will still be there when the doctor and the receptionist leave for the night, asking you to come back tomorrow.

3. If you are waiting to be served at one of the hottest bars in town, do not wave at the bartender. If you do, at best, he will simply wave back and wait on others. At worst, the bartender will finally give you the old what’ll you have and then tell you they don’t have it, and maybe they will across the street.

2. If you are waiting to be seated in a trendy restaurant, do not think you will be seated without tipping the Matre D. If you do, At best, you will finally have to break down and either tip or go elsewhere. At worst, you will get a seat in the bar just as they are starting the fastest cigar smoker contest and there are twenty-four contestants all lighting up at the same time.

1. If you find yourself waiting in line at Starbucks, do not try to cut the line. If you do, at best, you will be chastised by the teenage barista. At worst, your double decaf, soy, low foam latte will have a taste resembling the faint essence of dirty socks, and you should not ask why.

Top Ten Things Not To Do While Creating Top Ten Lists

December 5, 2022December 4, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 67 Comments

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

This list was first posted on July 14th, 2014. I think the advice still holds today. Of course, I seem to be the only one making top ten things not to do lists, so I will take it under advisement. I hope you enjoy it too.

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Top Ten Things Not To Do While Creating Top Ten Lists

10. If you are creating a top ten list, do not wait until the last minute before publication. If you do, at best, you may have to go with nine. At worst, you might get stuck after two items, leading to severe writer’s block, which might transfer to your latest novel.

9. If you are creating a top ten list, do not ask your significant other how they like it. If you do, at best, you might get an honest answer. At worst, you may find out your significant other and you have nothing whatsoever in common, which will be more of a problem than a top ten list.

8. If you are creating a top ten list, do not choose a limited subject. ( like creating top ten lists) If you do, at best, you will be hard-pressed to think of ten items, At worst, you will make your vulnerability on the subject transparent to everyone, and you could be the laughing stock of the blogosphere.

7. If you are creating a top ten list, do not think you are in line for a Pulitzer prize. If you think you are, at best, you will have a very bad day when the Pulitzers are announced. At worst, you will set yourself up for a monumental disappointment that might cripple you for life.

6. If you are creating a top ten list, do not start if you can’t count to ten. If you do, at best, you may be asking others for help. At worst, you will muddle on with no hope of completing the task and no notion as to why.

5. If you are creating a top ten list, do not start a list at number one. If you do, at best, your readers will not understand the arrangement and complain since everyone knows you count down from ten. At worst, your action could force some fragile individuals to become wards of the state for the next twenty years since you have altered what they perceive as universal normalcy.

4. If you are creating a top ten list, do not try to fit in some political rhetoric. If you do, at best, you may get some opposing comments that are not very pleasing. At worst, you’ll have political trolls after you for the rest of your natural life, and the only way to escape is to write under a pen name.

3. If you are creating a top ten list, do not get wrapped up in the serious stuff. If you do, at best, you may spend more time researching than the list is worth. At worst, you may not do enough research and find yourself on Wikipedia as an example of an idiot.

2. If you are creating a top ten list, try to find some humorous things to say. If you don’t, at best, you will collect some mercy likes but no comments. At worst, you will watch your followers drop like flies at a Raid convention.

1. If you are creating a top ten list, try to remember the previous ten, so you don’t end up repeating yourself. If you forget, at best, your readers will assume you are a lousy proofreader. At worst, they will come to the conclusion that your drinking problem has gotten to the point of intervention, and the sound at the door is the friendly technicians from Sleepy Time Rehab trying to get in with your Demerol shot and the white jacket.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Shopping for the Holidays

November 28, 2022November 27, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 99 Comments

This post was run on November 30th, 2015. Since we still have holidays and shopping, maybe it will be helpful. I hope you enjoy it.

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Top Ten Things Not to do While Shopping for the Holidays

The inspiration for this list is some years of watching the same mistakes made during this festive time.

10 While shopping for the holidays, do not think other shoppers are out to get you. If you do, at best, you will resemble someone who needs hospitalization. At worst, you may retaliate against the city kickboxing champ who accidentally ran into you. (Notice how he doesn’t use his hands to kick your butt.)

9 While shopping for the holidays, do not have a few drinks to ease the pain. If you do, at best, you may give into temptation and overspend. At worst, you will have the best time you’ll never recall except for the car full of stuff you still don’t know how it got there. (That ringing phone is the credit card company wanting to know if your card has been stolen.)

8 While shopping for the holidays, don’t go out without a list. If you do, at best, you will forget some gifts. At worst, you will spend more than you thought and yet have a nagging feeling you forgot a meaningful gift. (How did that office gift exchange go since you were empty-handed?)

7 While shopping for the holidays, do not leave the house without a travel plan. If you do, at best, you will cover the stores in a pattern looking like the infinity symbol. At worst, you will need to use your GPS to finally figure out where you are and to locate the stores you have already passed. (You now notice you passed the gift shop twice but still can’t figure out how to get back there?)

6 While shopping for the holidays, do not take small children with you. If you do, at best, you all will be frustrated doing precisely the opposite of what you want to do. At worst, you will start to deviate from your shopping plan and end up at the McDonald’s Playground trying to figure out what to tell everyone who will not get a gift this year. (That Big Mac and supersized order of fries are starting to look pretty good right now.)

5 While shopping for the holidays, do not think you are saving money by buying things on sale that you know are not perfect gifts. If you do, at best, you can give gift receipts so the gift can be returned. At worst, you will get the ideal gift from the person you gave a less-than-perfect present. (That is Murphy’s Law of scrimping on a gift for someone. It goes like this. The expense of the gift you receive is indirectly proportional to the cheapness of the gift you give. In other words, the less you spend, the more someone else spends on you.)

4 While shopping for the holidays, do not think a gift card takes the place of an actual present. If you do, at best, you will get your shopping done fast and early. At worst, you could spend more on the gift card than you would on a thoughtful gift. (The problem is the recipient knows the amount. Darn it)

3 While shopping for the holidays, do not take gift suggestions from ads on tv. If you do, at best, your present could represent an uninspired choice. At worst, the gift you give could be totally inappropriate. (Yeah, that Victoria’s Secret or Home Depot item should have stayed in the store. Not to mention the My Pillow slippers.)

2 While shopping for the holidays, do not wait until the last minute to decide what gifts to buy. If you do, at best, you will be running around not knowing what you had in mind. At worst, you will be faced with difficult decisions given that everything you want to buy is unavailable. (The net result is much more expensive than originally planned since now your choice is limited to a diamond or a new car.)

1 While shopping for the holidays, do not avoid taking water and eating before the trips. If you do, at best, you will be without energy and parched. At worst, you will finally be forced to take a break at a sit-down restaurant and spend an enormous amount on something to eat and drink. (Sure, you could wait an hour for a fast-food chicken sandwich, but time is money, right?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Dining Room Table

November 21, 2022November 20, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 73 Comments

This post originally ran on November 28th, 2016. I think with the approaching Thanksgiving holiday, it would be a good thing to review it again. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came from the just completed Thanksgiving feast. I was very observant and did not see any of these things at our dining room table. I hope you enjoy the list.

10 At the dining room table, do not burp out loud. If you do, at best, you can recover with an “excuse me.” At worst, all the relatives will now have verified evidence that you are an animal. (They long suspected it was true, and you just gave them confirmation, Ferd)

9 At the dining room table, do not help yourself to food from someone else’s plate. If you do, at best, you’ll be told to stop. At worst, your cousin Tiny, the WWF champ, will demonstrate a new hold. (Quit whining. That hand will be okay once you get a cast, Bunky)

8 At the dining room table, do not chew your food with your mouth open. If you do, at best, you will gross out your family. At worst, grandma will take the opportunity to lecture everyone on proper manners. (Nothing like a two-hour tutorial on chewing with your mouth closed to put everyone on edge)

7 At the dining room table, do not assume your hostess meant for you to eat the fruit and nasturtiums out of the centerpiece. If you do, at best, you will be thought of as odd. At worst, your hostess will calmly advise everyone that the centerpiece is to be donated to the local old folks’ home, and she would appreciate it if there was something left to give. (Your face and the red table runner are the same color, huh, Wheezer)

6 At the dining room table, do not talk about sex, politics, or religion. If you do, at best, no one will follow suit. At worst, you will be the root cause of a donnybrook that does not have a good ending. (Those police officers are here to escort you to the station, Bud. It seems your brother-in-law didn’t take kindly to the wine bottle bonk.)

5 At the dining room table, do not insist on rolling in the TV to watch football. If you do, at best, this will be your last invitation to dinner. At worst, your table mates will shout at each other above the game’s noise, and it won’t be worth the hassle. (Did you ever think you should be on a deserted island, Buster?)

4 At the dining room table, do not text or otherwise use your phone. If you do, at best, your family’s looks should make you stop. At worst, someone will finally pluck the phone from your hand. (If you’re lucky, they won’t dump it in the gravy bowl)

3 At the dining room table, do not make any Earth-shattering announcements. If you do, at best, the long silence will be a killer. At worst, everyone will be thrown into disarray and will be sorry for whatever they said in reaction later. (Surely you could have waited to announce you were running away to join the circus, Chum)

2 At the dining room table, do not do your best imitation of a strong silent type. If you do, at best, the conversation will be on everything but your interests. At worst, your table mates will believe something is bothering you and won’t let it rest until you come clean. (They were sure surprised to learn that what they see is what they get, Dork.)

1 At the dining room table, do not think you must race everyone to a clean plate. If you do, at best, you’ll be waiting a long time for others to finish. At worst, the general impression will be that you haven’t had a good meal for a while. (That sure flies in the face of all that success bragging you were doing before dinner, huh, Bruser?)

Top Ten Excuses Not to Use For Skipping Work

November 14, 2022November 13, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 97 Comments

This post was initially run on January 2, 2017. However, since we are coming off a Veterans Day holiday, I thought it would be good to reread this Monday morning.

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The inspiration for this list comes from the memory of having to return to the day job after a long weekend like we are having now. It seems the wounds are just beginning to heal, and it is time to go back to the battle, only to be reopened again. This list has been developed so that the temptation to stay home on Tuesday is successfully avoided.

Top Ten Excuses Not to Use For Skipping Work

10 If you want to skip work, do not tell the boss your dog ate your driver’s license. If you do, at best, your boss will wonder why you can’t take public transportation. At worst, your boss will send a car only to discover that you are still in your pajamas. (What made you think the boss would be working and allow you to stay home, huh, Bunky?)

9 If you want to skip work, do not call in holding your nose to support your sickness claim. If you do, at best, the boss will think you were overserved over the holiday. At worst, you will get a call from human resources with your appointment at the substance abuse treatment center. (That went well, didn’t it, Bosco?)

8 If you want to skip work, do not blame the weather for not getting to the office. If you do, at best, you will be the only one not at the office. At worst, the weather you thought would hit your town moved out of the area. (Here, you are looking at the sun trying to explain the absence of snow, sleet, and ice. Better luck next time, Buford.)

7 If you want to skip work, do not blame the mechanical failure of your auto. If you do, at best, some boss sycophant will volunteer to come to get you. At worst, you’ll be at the drive-through for lunch, and your boss will be in the car behind you. (At least you got the morning before you magically made the repair. Right, Bucky?)

6 If you want to skip work, do not pretend you are out of town and the planes are all grounded. If you do, at best, there will be some bad weather somewhere, and you picked it right. At worst, just after hanging up with the boss, a newscast will come on, extolling the fact that there were no flight delays for the first time ever. (Well, you will have an additional story to tell tomorrow. Right Bud. How about the fact that your plane was hijacked?)

5 If you want to skip work, do not use the excuse that your spouse is ill and needs care. If you do, at best, the sympathy calls will give you little rest. At worst, the knowledge of the collection at work and the bouquet of flowers that shows up in the afternoon convince you to quit. (This was not the outcome you wanted. Or was it. Roscoe?)

4 If you want to skip work, do not report that you are telecommuting to the boss. If you do, at best, you will get some additional assignments and be forced to work anyway. At worst, you will get a critical call that goes unanswered which triggers a massive shutdown of IT systems. (You forgot about the fail-safe hacking control. It is a shame since you set it up, Bubba)

3 If you want to skip work, do not report you to have an off-site meeting with a customer. If you do, at best, you can always say the client canceled the meeting. At worst, you get a call from the boss who decided to meet you at the customer’s office, letting you know the client is in Bangkok. (Now is the time to try to carry off the fact that you are in Bangkok. Good luck with that, Rube)

2 If you want to skip work, do not set up an elaborate scheme that includes throwing a punch at Tiny, the WWF Champion. If you do, at best, the detailed plan will fall through. At worst, your stay in the hospital will not compensate for the one day off. (Why you decided to throw a punch at Tiny is still debated in the company halls. You did pick up some street cred, though, Buddy.)

1 If you want to skip work, do not enlist fellow workers as co-conspirators in whatever excuse you choose. If you do, at best, you will owe the favor. At worst, the boss will get a confession from the weakest link, and you will be given up in a heartbeat. (I guess you could have predicted the result. Couldn’t you Sucker?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town

November 7, 2022November 6, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 94 Comments

This post originally ran on October 24, 2016. Since our significant others still leave, I think it is still relevant. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list was a traveling Producer two weeks ago. She was visiting the youngest for an extended weekend. I say the inspiration was her visit; nothing in this list pertains to me. Ahem.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town

10 If your significant other is out of town, do not organize an all-night card party. If you do, at best, there will be minor damage that can be covered up. At worst, the guest who never gets drunk decides to have too much of a dark red Cabernet just before passing out holding a full glass on your significant other’s favorite white couch. (You might as well set fire to the house right now.)

9 If your significant other is out of town, do not decide to create and work on your own to-do list. If you do, at best, you might get one thing on the list right. At worst, you will finish the list only to discover that all the items were things your significant other wanted to do. (Well, you now have a big problem since you know everything needs to be redone.)

8 If your significant other is out of town, do not even think of not doing the dishes. If you don’t do them, at best, the homecoming will be less joyous. At worst, that heavy trash can is a hint that your dirty dishes no longer exist. (You could have saved yourself on this one, Bunkie. You were warned.)

7 If your significant other is out of town, do not take the kids or dogs for a new haircut. If you do, at best, you will have to repeat the rule on which part of parenting you are not responsible. At worst, you will end up at the hair cutter demanding another cut. (You also have orders not to pay another red cent. So, now you have to hide the payment as well.)

6 If your significant other is out of town, do not rearrange the furniture. If you do, at best, your significant other will trip and fall over the ottoman which wasn’t there before. At worst, deep relationship issues around change communication could result. (You didn’t know the depth of insecurity there, did you?)

5 If your significant other is out of town, do not think putting the spices in alphabetical order is a good idea. If you do, at best, your significant other will be confused at first but catch on. At worst, you will be asked one hundred times to locate the chili powder. (Some people just don’t get the idea of chili powder being under “C” and not “P,” no matter how many times you explain it to Tiny, who, as WWF world wrestling Champ, should get it.)

4 If your significant other is out of town, do not use treats to get the kids or pets to behave. If you do, at best, they will rat you out immediately upon the significant other’s return. At worst, you will have created a behavior modification system requiring increasing amounts of treats to sustain. (It is like being on a substance abuse treadmill, isn’t it, Grover.)

3 If your significant other is out of town, do not lock yourself out of the house. If you do, at best, you can convince one of the kids to open the door. At worst, you will become increasingly hysterical as your darling children not only refuse to open the door but decide to begin playing chef with your butane Cream Brule caramelizing torch. (Try explaining this one, Buford.)

2 If your significant other is out of town, do not forget to follow the plant watering instructions to the letter. If you do forget, at best, the droops will go away after you do remember. At worst, you spot the prize orchid taking a dive just as your significant other pulls into the driveway. (This was the orchid that would have taken first place at the flower show that your spouse has been working on for over a year. It just doesn’t get any worse.)

1 If your significant other is out of town, do not expect a souvenir. If you do, at best, your reward will be a small bottle of conditioner from Days Inn. At worst, you will get a T-shirt that reads, “My significant other went to Las Vegas, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt,” two sizes too small. (Another car polish rag, right Ralph?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween

October 31, 2022October 30, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 82 Comments

This post was published on October 31st, 2016. At last, Halloween falls on a Monday, so I can post it again. I hope you like it, and Happy Halloween to you.

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I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain the inspiration for this list. Since today is Halloween, it is pretty obvious. Yes, there are some things on this list that I have done, but I’ll let you figure out which ones.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween

10 On Halloween, do not run out of candy. If you do, at best, you will be marked as a cheapskate. At worst, the amount of soap on your windows will require a professional crew to remove. (That handing out pennies idea didn’t work so well, did it, Rube?)

9 On Halloween, do not try to hide in the basement with all the lights off. If you do, at best, you will miss out on some cute costumes. At worst, the gremlins, witches, and goblins will make it a point to discover why you are not home. (That glowing computer screen did you in Ferd.)

8 On Halloween, do not try any scare tactics on the trick-or-treaters. If you do, at best, the neighborhood watch group will be paying you a call. At worst, Child Protective Services will have your house identified as a possible child abuse location. (I know it seemed funny at the time, but think of the scarred little psyches, not to mention the accidents on your front porch.)

7 On Halloween, do not hand out homemade anything. If you do, at best, it will all be thrown away. At worst, the local health department will act on a complaint and insist on inspecting your kitchen. (That white glove sure looks terrible in the light, Bunkie.)

6 On Halloween, do not make the trick-or-treaters do anything for their treats. If you do, at best, you’ll get blank stares. At worst, you’ll get a visit from Tiny, the WFF champion wrestler who is escorting the kids, and he will insist that you dance or get his special treat. (You don’t want to see Tiny’s knuckle sandwich up close.)

5 On Halloween, do not hand out toothbrushes instead of candy. If you do, at best, you will win the “kook of the neighborhood” award. At worst, most trick-or-treaters will be polite, but Tiny’s kid will insist on a candy treat while sitting on your chest. (It is funny what is passed in the gene pool, isn’t it?)

4 On Halloween, if you insist on wearing a costume, do not make the trick-or-treaters guess what or who you are. If you do, at best, they will not have a clue. At worst, they will all guess wrong, and you will suddenly realize you have a screw loose for even trying in the first place. (Funny how some things go out of style quickly. Surprisingly, the five-year-olds couldn’t get your Tele Tubby costume. (Your favorite show as a kid, right?)

3 On Halloween, do not attempt to pass out shots of alcohol to the parents of trick-or-treaters. If you do, at best, you will be very popular until the wee hours of the morning. At worst, your neighbors will assume you have some kind of problem and will ask the police to ensure no kids get your handout. (That sure took a nasty turn, didn’t it, Beauford?)

2 On Halloween, do not leave a bowl of treats on the porch with a note to “take one on the honor system.” If you do, at best, the goodies will be gone before sundown. At worst, the trick-or-treaters will ring your bell every three seconds in pursuit of a refill. (You quickly learned that “honor” in your neighborhood means “me first.”)

1 On Halloween, do not watch Nightmare on Elm Street, Psycho, Friday the Thirteenth, Amityville Horror, The Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, or any other horror movie. If you do, at best, you will need the day off tomorrow. At worst, the EMS crew will find it mildly amusing that you were the cause of your own heart attack. (You could have just read a book, Bevis. At the scary part, you could have put it down.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Time Changes

October 24, 2022October 23, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

Halloween falls on the Monday before the changing of clocks on November 6th. The post on that Monday will be devoted to Top Ten Things not to Do on Halloween. Therefore, it might be a good idea to discuss the fall back routine of Daylight Savings time. This post was first run on November 14th, 2016. I think the advice is still good.

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I dislike the time change situation and have to guard against doing some unnatural things during the “getting used to” period. I hope this list is not too late.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Time Changes

10 When there is a time change, do not think “fall back ” will really give you an hour of extra sleep. If you do, at best, you will be grumpy and disappointed. At worst, you will hold a grudge against the government until the “spring forward” time comes around. (Those threatening letters to the President have a way of coming back to haunt you. Don’t they felon?)

9 When there is a time change, do not expect your pets to understand the difference. If you do, at best, you will have a lot of whining around the house. At worst, those routines that are now disrupted will cause some significant animal errors. (What part of going outside by 7:00 did you miss trying to extend the visit by an hour?)

8 When there is a time change, do not expect your boss to understand your inability to adapt. If you do, at best, your boss has the same problem. At worst, the meeting called for your performance appraisal was an hour ago. (I’ll bet you are not happy with your raise this year, Ferd. Is giving back some of last year’s a thing?)

7 When there is a time change, do not think the rest of the world needs to understand your disorganization. If you do, at best, you will only miss a couple of scheduled events. At worst, your no-show profile will be noted, and the next event invitation will conveniently arrive one hour after the event is over. (There is only so much planners can take; after all, it’s been three months since the change.)

6 When there is a time change, do not forget to reset your timers. If you do forget, at best, there will be minor inconveniences until set. At worst, that oven setting will be an hour late, and you’ll be faced with raw chicken, and you invited your boss for dinner. (Lucky you, a Kentucky Fried outlet is just down the block. What you don’t know is your boss can’t eat fried food and just walked through the front door.)

5 When there is a time change, do not forget it gets dark earlier in the fall. If you do, at best, you’ll need to remember a flashlight next time. At worst, that sinkhole visible in the light somehow disappears in the dark. (That is until you manage to step in it and go up to your knees in freezing water, huh, Bunky?)

4 When there is a time change, do not take out on others the fact that you are out of sorts. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, you will insult those whose job it is to serve you. (You can’t tell, but Tiny, the WWF champ, is heading to your table to personally deliver the perfectly cooked meal you sent back. It seems that Tiny was on probation as a chef, and your meal was the test case. Hope your health insurance is in effect, Buster.)

3 When there is a time change, do not keep one clock on the previous time. If you do, at best, you might pay attention to that clock and miss something. At worst, you will keep reminding yourself of your unfortunate lack of ability to adapt and continue to measure your life in terms of what is missing as opposed to what you have. (A deep philosophical point that can be summed up with the word “stubborn.” Right, Clyde?)

2 When there is a time change, do not be concerned that you have to calculate scheduled times for your favorite shows. If you do, at best, you will miss a few shows due to your own error. At worst, you will employ a tremendous amount of effort only to discover the shows are on at the same time as usual. (Makes one feel foolish, doesn’t it, Homer)

1 When there is a time change, do not attempt to change your car clock yourself. If you do, at best, you’ll realize quickly you need help. At worst, you’ll make some adjustment that has never been seen before and will require a replacement clock to fix. (The clock reset is a little car manufacturer humor built into each car. Maybe this is the only exception to point number three.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Windy Day

October 17, 2022October 16, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 93 Comments

This post was published originally on November 9th, 2015. Although the wind has not been bad this fall, it just might turn and come in handy.

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The inspiration for this list is the over twenty-five-mile-an-hour winds we have been experiencing since Thursday. Most of these warnings are a matter of common sense, but in the spirit of public service, I will state the obvious. Hope you enjoy it.

The Top Things Not to do on a Windy Day

10 On a windy day, do not think it is a good time to inspect your roof for leaks. If you do, at best, the fire department rescue team will not be happy getting you down from there. At worst, you now need the rescue team to splint and bandage the results of a three-story fall. (Recall your last words? “Honest honey, I’ll be careful.”)

9 On a windy day, do not spit, period. If you do, at best, you might catch a gust in the opposite direction. At worst, you will need to pause your busy schedule for a shower. (Too bad you were eating licorice at the time.)

8 On a windy day, do not think you can control the weed and grass killer spray. If you do, at best, you will only take out the edge of the lawn. At worst, in three days, your yard will have all the life of the Sahara Desert. (Did you not see the warning on the label? By the way, the damage is permanent)

7 On a windy day, do not think you can spray paint that swing set. If you do, at best, you will have an ongoing shadow of it on your lawn. At worst, the next-door neighbor just realizes his new yellow convertible has a light overlay of Rustoleum brown. (Is that him at the front door with the police?)

6 On a windy day, do not get up on that twenty-four-foot extension ladder. If you do, at best, you will soon be calling for help as you slowly lose your grip on the uppermost gutter. At worst, you and the ladder will end up in your living room after passing through the house’s largest and most expensive picture window. (Don’t worry,. A tourniquet properly applied will stop that gushing. You don’t know what I’m talking about, you say?)

5 On a windy day, do not be coerced into allowing the kids to fly their kites. If you do, at best, one may be dragged through Mrs. Jones’ rose bushes. At worst, the FAA will be asking tough questions about the airspace violation by your kid and his Sponge Bob Square Pant kite. (You were almost sure that tree would have stopped him)

4 On a windy day, do not think going fishing is an excellent way to spend the time. If you do, at best, you’ll end up cold and wet without any fish. At worst, your rescue will be featured on the six o’clock news with the lead in line,” Foolish tourist risks life by ignoring the small craft warnings.” (We forgot to turn on the radio, did we?)

3 On a windy day, do not think the golf game can go on as usual. If you do, at best, you will break your high score and lost ball record. At worst, the wind direction is such that you teed off, the ball comes back and knocks you off your feet, and you get an expensive airlift to the hospital. (You thought that was going to be one of your longest drives)

2 On a windy day, do not take a leisurely walk on the beach. If you do, at best, you will be covered in sand from head to foot. At worst, you will receive dermabrasion with the delightful side benefit of a bird-dropping mask. ( No. That stuff does not wash off.)

1 On a windy day, do not think it is a good time to fertilize the lawn. If you do, at best, you will waste a lot of fertilizer on your neighbor’s property and shrubs. At worst, you will end up in the pulmonology wing of the hospital as a subject of study of the after-effects of poop in the lungs. (I could have worn a mask but nooo too much trouble.)