Top Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town

November 7, 2022November 6, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 94 Comments

This post originally ran on October 24, 2016. Since our significant others still leave, I think it is still relevant. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list was a traveling Producer two weeks ago. She was visiting the youngest for an extended weekend. I say the inspiration was her visit; nothing in this list pertains to me. Ahem.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town

10 If your significant other is out of town, do not organize an all-night card party. If you do, at best, there will be minor damage that can be covered up. At worst, the guest who never gets drunk decides to have too much of a dark red Cabernet just before passing out holding a full glass on your significant other’s favorite white couch. (You might as well set fire to the house right now.)

9 If your significant other is out of town, do not decide to create and work on your own to-do list. If you do, at best, you might get one thing on the list right. At worst, you will finish the list only to discover that all the items were things your significant other wanted to do. (Well, you now have a big problem since you know everything needs to be redone.)

8 If your significant other is out of town, do not even think of not doing the dishes. If you don’t do them, at best, the homecoming will be less joyous. At worst, that heavy trash can is a hint that your dirty dishes no longer exist. (You could have saved yourself on this one, Bunkie. You were warned.)

7 If your significant other is out of town, do not take the kids or dogs for a new haircut. If you do, at best, you will have to repeat the rule on which part of parenting you are not responsible. At worst, you will end up at the hair cutter demanding another cut. (You also have orders not to pay another red cent. So, now you have to hide the payment as well.)

6 If your significant other is out of town, do not rearrange the furniture. If you do, at best, your significant other will trip and fall over the ottoman which wasn’t there before. At worst, deep relationship issues around change communication could result. (You didn’t know the depth of insecurity there, did you?)

5 If your significant other is out of town, do not think putting the spices in alphabetical order is a good idea. If you do, at best, your significant other will be confused at first but catch on. At worst, you will be asked one hundred times to locate the chili powder. (Some people just don’t get the idea of chili powder being under “C” and not “P,” no matter how many times you explain it to Tiny, who, as WWF world wrestling Champ, should get it.)

4 If your significant other is out of town, do not use treats to get the kids or pets to behave. If you do, at best, they will rat you out immediately upon the significant other’s return. At worst, you will have created a behavior modification system requiring increasing amounts of treats to sustain. (It is like being on a substance abuse treadmill, isn’t it, Grover.)

3 If your significant other is out of town, do not lock yourself out of the house. If you do, at best, you can convince one of the kids to open the door. At worst, you will become increasingly hysterical as your darling children not only refuse to open the door but decide to begin playing chef with your butane Cream Brule caramelizing torch. (Try explaining this one, Buford.)

2 If your significant other is out of town, do not forget to follow the plant watering instructions to the letter. If you do forget, at best, the droops will go away after you do remember. At worst, you spot the prize orchid taking a dive just as your significant other pulls into the driveway. (This was the orchid that would have taken first place at the flower show that your spouse has been working on for over a year. It just doesn’t get any worse.)

1 If your significant other is out of town, do not expect a souvenir. If you do, at best, your reward will be a small bottle of conditioner from Days Inn. At worst, you will get a T-shirt that reads, “My significant other went to Las Vegas, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt,” two sizes too small. (Another car polish rag, right Ralph?)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween

October 31, 2022October 30, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 82 Comments

This post was published on October 31st, 2016. At last, Halloween falls on a Monday, so I can post it again. I hope you like it, and Happy Halloween to you.

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I’m pretty sure I don’t have to explain the inspiration for this list. Since today is Halloween, it is pretty obvious. Yes, there are some things on this list that I have done, but I’ll let you figure out which ones.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Halloween

10 On Halloween, do not run out of candy. If you do, at best, you will be marked as a cheapskate. At worst, the amount of soap on your windows will require a professional crew to remove. (That handing out pennies idea didn’t work so well, did it, Rube?)

9 On Halloween, do not try to hide in the basement with all the lights off. If you do, at best, you will miss out on some cute costumes. At worst, the gremlins, witches, and goblins will make it a point to discover why you are not home. (That glowing computer screen did you in Ferd.)

8 On Halloween, do not try any scare tactics on the trick-or-treaters. If you do, at best, the neighborhood watch group will be paying you a call. At worst, Child Protective Services will have your house identified as a possible child abuse location. (I know it seemed funny at the time, but think of the scarred little psyches, not to mention the accidents on your front porch.)

7 On Halloween, do not hand out homemade anything. If you do, at best, it will all be thrown away. At worst, the local health department will act on a complaint and insist on inspecting your kitchen. (That white glove sure looks terrible in the light, Bunkie.)

6 On Halloween, do not make the trick-or-treaters do anything for their treats. If you do, at best, you’ll get blank stares. At worst, you’ll get a visit from Tiny, the WFF champion wrestler who is escorting the kids, and he will insist that you dance or get his special treat. (You don’t want to see Tiny’s knuckle sandwich up close.)

5 On Halloween, do not hand out toothbrushes instead of candy. If you do, at best, you will win the “kook of the neighborhood” award. At worst, most trick-or-treaters will be polite, but Tiny’s kid will insist on a candy treat while sitting on your chest. (It is funny what is passed in the gene pool, isn’t it?)

4 On Halloween, if you insist on wearing a costume, do not make the trick-or-treaters guess what or who you are. If you do, at best, they will not have a clue. At worst, they will all guess wrong, and you will suddenly realize you have a screw loose for even trying in the first place. (Funny how some things go out of style quickly. Surprisingly, the five-year-olds couldn’t get your Tele Tubby costume. (Your favorite show as a kid, right?)

3 On Halloween, do not attempt to pass out shots of alcohol to the parents of trick-or-treaters. If you do, at best, you will be very popular until the wee hours of the morning. At worst, your neighbors will assume you have some kind of problem and will ask the police to ensure no kids get your handout. (That sure took a nasty turn, didn’t it, Beauford?)

2 On Halloween, do not leave a bowl of treats on the porch with a note to “take one on the honor system.” If you do, at best, the goodies will be gone before sundown. At worst, the trick-or-treaters will ring your bell every three seconds in pursuit of a refill. (You quickly learned that “honor” in your neighborhood means “me first.”)

1 On Halloween, do not watch Nightmare on Elm Street, Psycho, Friday the Thirteenth, Amityville Horror, The Exorcist, Rosemary’s Baby, or any other horror movie. If you do, at best, you will need the day off tomorrow. At worst, the EMS crew will find it mildly amusing that you were the cause of your own heart attack. (You could have just read a book, Bevis. At the scary part, you could have put it down.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Time Changes

October 24, 2022October 23, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 74 Comments

Halloween falls on the Monday before the changing of clocks on November 6th. The post on that Monday will be devoted to Top Ten Things not to Do on Halloween. Therefore, it might be a good idea to discuss the fall back routine of Daylight Savings time. This post was first run on November 14th, 2016. I think the advice is still good.

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I dislike the time change situation and have to guard against doing some unnatural things during the “getting used to” period. I hope this list is not too late.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When the Time Changes

10 When there is a time change, do not think “fall back ” will really give you an hour of extra sleep. If you do, at best, you will be grumpy and disappointed. At worst, you will hold a grudge against the government until the “spring forward” time comes around. (Those threatening letters to the President have a way of coming back to haunt you. Don’t they felon?)

9 When there is a time change, do not expect your pets to understand the difference. If you do, at best, you will have a lot of whining around the house. At worst, those routines that are now disrupted will cause some significant animal errors. (What part of going outside by 7:00 did you miss trying to extend the visit by an hour?)

8 When there is a time change, do not expect your boss to understand your inability to adapt. If you do, at best, your boss has the same problem. At worst, the meeting called for your performance appraisal was an hour ago. (I’ll bet you are not happy with your raise this year, Ferd. Is giving back some of last year’s a thing?)

7 When there is a time change, do not think the rest of the world needs to understand your disorganization. If you do, at best, you will only miss a couple of scheduled events. At worst, your no-show profile will be noted, and the next event invitation will conveniently arrive one hour after the event is over. (There is only so much planners can take; after all, it’s been three months since the change.)

6 When there is a time change, do not forget to reset your timers. If you do forget, at best, there will be minor inconveniences until set. At worst, that oven setting will be an hour late, and you’ll be faced with raw chicken, and you invited your boss for dinner. (Lucky you, a Kentucky Fried outlet is just down the block. What you don’t know is your boss can’t eat fried food and just walked through the front door.)

5 When there is a time change, do not forget it gets dark earlier in the fall. If you do, at best, you’ll need to remember a flashlight next time. At worst, that sinkhole visible in the light somehow disappears in the dark. (That is until you manage to step in it and go up to your knees in freezing water, huh, Bunky?)

4 When there is a time change, do not take out on others the fact that you are out of sorts. If you do, at best, you will be ignored. At worst, you will insult those whose job it is to serve you. (You can’t tell, but Tiny, the WWF champ, is heading to your table to personally deliver the perfectly cooked meal you sent back. It seems that Tiny was on probation as a chef, and your meal was the test case. Hope your health insurance is in effect, Buster.)

3 When there is a time change, do not keep one clock on the previous time. If you do, at best, you might pay attention to that clock and miss something. At worst, you will keep reminding yourself of your unfortunate lack of ability to adapt and continue to measure your life in terms of what is missing as opposed to what you have. (A deep philosophical point that can be summed up with the word “stubborn.” Right, Clyde?)

2 When there is a time change, do not be concerned that you have to calculate scheduled times for your favorite shows. If you do, at best, you will miss a few shows due to your own error. At worst, you will employ a tremendous amount of effort only to discover the shows are on at the same time as usual. (Makes one feel foolish, doesn’t it, Homer)

1 When there is a time change, do not attempt to change your car clock yourself. If you do, at best, you’ll realize quickly you need help. At worst, you’ll make some adjustment that has never been seen before and will require a replacement clock to fix. (The clock reset is a little car manufacturer humor built into each car. Maybe this is the only exception to point number three.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Windy Day

October 17, 2022October 16, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 93 Comments

This post was published originally on November 9th, 2015. Although the wind has not been bad this fall, it just might turn and come in handy.

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The inspiration for this list is the over twenty-five-mile-an-hour winds we have been experiencing since Thursday. Most of these warnings are a matter of common sense, but in the spirit of public service, I will state the obvious. Hope you enjoy it.

The Top Things Not to do on a Windy Day

10 On a windy day, do not think it is a good time to inspect your roof for leaks. If you do, at best, the fire department rescue team will not be happy getting you down from there. At worst, you now need the rescue team to splint and bandage the results of a three-story fall. (Recall your last words? “Honest honey, I’ll be careful.”)

9 On a windy day, do not spit, period. If you do, at best, you might catch a gust in the opposite direction. At worst, you will need to pause your busy schedule for a shower. (Too bad you were eating licorice at the time.)

8 On a windy day, do not think you can control the weed and grass killer spray. If you do, at best, you will only take out the edge of the lawn. At worst, in three days, your yard will have all the life of the Sahara Desert. (Did you not see the warning on the label? By the way, the damage is permanent)

7 On a windy day, do not think you can spray paint that swing set. If you do, at best, you will have an ongoing shadow of it on your lawn. At worst, the next-door neighbor just realizes his new yellow convertible has a light overlay of Rustoleum brown. (Is that him at the front door with the police?)

6 On a windy day, do not get up on that twenty-four-foot extension ladder. If you do, at best, you will soon be calling for help as you slowly lose your grip on the uppermost gutter. At worst, you and the ladder will end up in your living room after passing through the house’s largest and most expensive picture window. (Don’t worry,. A tourniquet properly applied will stop that gushing. You don’t know what I’m talking about, you say?)

5 On a windy day, do not be coerced into allowing the kids to fly their kites. If you do, at best, one may be dragged through Mrs. Jones’ rose bushes. At worst, the FAA will be asking tough questions about the airspace violation by your kid and his Sponge Bob Square Pant kite. (You were almost sure that tree would have stopped him)

4 On a windy day, do not think going fishing is an excellent way to spend the time. If you do, at best, you’ll end up cold and wet without any fish. At worst, your rescue will be featured on the six o’clock news with the lead in line,” Foolish tourist risks life by ignoring the small craft warnings.” (We forgot to turn on the radio, did we?)

3 On a windy day, do not think the golf game can go on as usual. If you do, at best, you will break your high score and lost ball record. At worst, the wind direction is such that you teed off, the ball comes back and knocks you off your feet, and you get an expensive airlift to the hospital. (You thought that was going to be one of your longest drives)

2 On a windy day, do not take a leisurely walk on the beach. If you do, at best, you will be covered in sand from head to foot. At worst, you will receive dermabrasion with the delightful side benefit of a bird-dropping mask. ( No. That stuff does not wash off.)

1 On a windy day, do not think it is a good time to fertilize the lawn. If you do, at best, you will waste a lot of fertilizer on your neighbor’s property and shrubs. At worst, you will end up in the pulmonology wing of the hospital as a subject of study of the after-effects of poop in the lungs. (I could have worn a mask but nooo too much trouble.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do During a Full Moon

October 10, 2022October 9, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 71 Comments

This post ran on October 17th, 2016. Since we had a full Hunter’s Moon last night (The same night as the full moon in 2016 ), I thought we could revisit the post since it will still look full tonight, and caution should be exercised.

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Since last night the Hunter’s Moon was full, I was inspired to give some thought as to what we should never do during a full moon. I hope you enjoy it. Oh, for you scientists out there, this is all made up. I write fiction, so when looking for truth, I would suggest any place but here.

Top Ten Things Not to Do During a Full Moon

10 If there is a full moon, do not go into a graveyard just to see what will happen. If you do, at best, you will challenge your all-time best heart rate. At worst, the total recall of Blair Witch Project will have you running for your life. (So you thought you had everything under control, didn’t you?)

9 If there is a full moon, do not ask that cloaked stranger for directions. If you do, at best, it will be too distracted by the moon to answer you. At worst, it will offer you a ride that will be your last. (Those hairy hands should have been a big clue)

8 If there is a full moon, do not back into any rooms, period. If you do, at best, you might trip and fall. At worst, that snarling thing you thought you saw in the backyard is now behind you. (Every moviegoer knows better, Bunkie)

7 If there is a full moon, do not act on the urge to make hay. If you do, at best, there won’t be a lot of grass where you live. At worst, the farmer will think you are poaching his hay and call the police. (Or worse yet, use that rock salt-loaded shotgun to clear his field.)

6 if there is a full moon, do not think your neighbors would appreciate a serenade about the moon and a spoon. If you do, at best, you will suddenly realize why the term “rotten tomatoes” is used to rate talent. At worst, the magistrate will have a tough time trying to justify letting you go free. (Maybe the psychological evaluation will put everyone at ease)

5 If there is a full moon, resist the urge to skinny dip. If you can’t, at best, a quick dip with no one the wiser will be your fate. At worst, after the dog takes your clothes and you are chasing him, the spotlight of your neighbor’s security system bathes you in the light of high noon. (There is a tape that goes with that light, and your neighbor has a pretty high price tag on it)

4 If there is a full moon, under no circumstances do you need to harvest anything. If this advice falls on deaf ears, at best, stick with canned goods. At worst, your quest for a fresh pumpkin at Whole Foods after hours could net you a free night in the county lockup. ( Your roommate Tiny is not the type to feel good about you after the slamming cell door at midnight.)

3 If there is a full moon, do not argue with the traffic officer who just pulled you over. If you do, at best, you’ve guaranteed yourself a ticket. At worst, the officer may be a graduate of an anger management treatment series. (It seems that his events are always triggered during a full moon)

2 If there is a full moon, do not enter a political chat room with the idea of defending your choice for President. If you do, at best, you will be able to turn off your computer. At worst, somehow, the room has discovered your real identity and is threatening to come right over. (Looks like you might need to leave town for a while, huh, Grover?)

1 If there is a full moon, do not answer your door or phone. If you do, at best, it will be someone you know. At worst, there will be a character you’ve never known saying, “I know what you did last summer.” (Yeah, this one is bad. You need to run now.)

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age

October 3, 2022October 2, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 91 Comments

This list was initially published on October 13, 2014. I was 73 when I wrote it, and now I am 81. Checking it over, and it still makes sense. If you are over seventy, pay attention. If not, I hope you get a few laughs.

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This list was inspired by having the opportunity to be around some of my peers over the last couple of weeks.

Top Ten Things Not to Do if You Are Over Seventy Years of Age

10 If you are over seventy, ensure the foreign object you think is in your food is really there. If you don’t, at best, the store manager will give you your money back but will give you that “old person” roll of the eyes. At worst, the object turns out to be your glasses that fell off while you were looking closely to find out what it was. The customer service person will discover this in front of twenty other shoppers.

9 If you are over seventy, do not think you can ride a bicycle at top speed, wipe out and bounce like you did when you were fifty. If you do, at best, you will have a friendly reminder as you soak in a hot bathtub and eat aspirin like M&Ms. At worst, you will be among the lucky few spending several hours in the ER surrounded by one hundred of your closest friends who all got there ahead of you.

8 If you are over seventy, do not try to leave the house without your glasses. If you do, at best, you won’t be able to read the credit card terminal, and the total matches what you bought. At worst, you will be clueless when the bank teller asks you to sign the withdrawal slip made out for you, and four days later, you read in the newspaper that the teller is spending three weeks in Aruba.

7 If you are over seventy, do not decide the surfing competition looks winnable since there is only one entrant in the seventy and above bracket. If you do, at best, you will have nothing more catastrophic than looking like a fool. At worst, you will wipe out and ground yourself on the beach, where the medal committee will erect a monument in your honor.

6 If you are over seventy, do not think your dance routine is still in. If you do, at best, the rest of the crowd will be laughing behind your back. At worst, your performance will take up so much room and bump so many people the bouncer will remove you for your own protection.

5 If you are above seventy, do not go anywhere near a Karaoke machine. If you do, at best, you will get a short slow song you can handle poorly. At worst, you will pull a rap number and scare yourself with the words that scroll across the screen, reminding you that being scared is not suitable for your pacemaker performance or your underwear.

4 If you are over seventy, never drive in the left lane. If you do, at best, you will wonder what all those hand signals mean in the context of driving. At worst, you will have a monster truck come so close to your rear bumper you will be forced to look in the rearview mirror only to swerve into some hapless seventy-year-old next to you.

3 If you are over seventy, do not raise your arms above your head if you are wearing short sleeves; if you do, at best, you won’t notice the extra movement of skin and will think the wind is picking up. At worst, you will cause enough stares to stop traffic with those undulating biceps that seem to have headed south.

2 If you are over seventy, do not go to a restaurant any earlier than 7:00. If you do, at best, you will get the early bird menu and won’t really find green Jell-O to your liking. At worst, a youthful server will insist that you will genuinely enjoy the breaded fish sticks instead of the sizeable juicy steak you intended. “Besides,” she says. “It is much easier to chew.”

1 If you are over Seventy, do not try to tell stories about how great it was in the old days. If you do, At best, you will be finishing your stories to yourself. At worst, you will notice people running away as you come close, and it won’t be because you have worn the same clothes for five days. (well, maybe)

Top Ten Things Not to do If you are a New First-Time Parent

September 19, 2022September 18, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 122 Comments

This list appeared on November 23, 2015. Since parents are still having kids, I think it might be useful

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This list was inspired by watching new parents having some challenges with raising their kids. Unfortunately, sometimes the stress was self-induced, and some good counseling could have avoided the scene.

Top Ten Things Not to do If you are a New First-Time Parent

10 If you are a new first-time parent, do not think your child needs to be the first in your circle to do everything. If you do, at best, you will be headed for some disappointment. At worst, you will spend needless cash on child and adult psychologists seeking explanations for unnecessary problems. (Have you ever met an adult who wasn’t potty trained?)

9 If you are a new first-time parent, do not dress your child as an adult. If you do, at best, your friends will think you missed something in your childhood. At worst, your child will notice they are a little out of place with the other kids leading to other self-image issues. (The first hint is when your five-year-old asks for a Porsche for Christmas)

8 If you are a new first-time parent, do not take your toddler to an elegant restaurant for a late-night dinner. If you do, at best, your child will be miserable being up too late in an unfamiliar environment. At worst, the rest of the restaurant patrons will draw straws to see who calls Child Protective Services. (You are used to the crying, right?)

7 If you are a new first-time parent, do not stress over preschool choices. If you do, at best, you will need medication to get through the process. At worst, you will become so obsessed with the so-called right school that you will never be satisfied if you are not successful in enrolling your child. (Isn’t preschool supposed to be enjoyable?)

6 If you are a new first-time parent, do not worry about the nursery’s color. If you do, at best, your child will not notice the color for a few months. At worst, your worry will be another stress point that a newborn will recognize. (So you have a boy in pink and a girl in blue. Only your in-laws will care.)

5 If you are a new first-time parent, do not buy quantities of clothes and accessories thinking you are saving money. If you do, at best, your child will outgrow the stuff in a month or two, and you will be able to return the excess. At worst, you lose your receipt and find yourself cutting off the feet of onesies so you won’t have to throw them away. (That Costco run really didn’t pay, did it?)

4 If you are a new first-time parent, do not read a bunch of childcare books. If you do, at best, you will be totally confused about what to do. At worst, you will have contradictory opinions, and you will need to toss a coin to decide. (Trust a coin on a fever cause and treatment? I don’t think so)

3 If you are a new first-time parent, do not believe you have to record every minute of the child’s life. If you do, at best, you will watch your child grow up through the camera viewfinder. At worst, your child will think life is only real if it is captured on film. (Maybe put the camera down and pick up the kid.)

2 If you are a new first-time parent, do not buy toys that are not age-appropriate. If you do, at best, your child will not play with them. At worst, you’ll enjoy playing with the toys and be accused of purchasing the toys on purpose. (Tsk, tsk, tsk)

1 If you are a new first-time parent, do not think you will have to survive on little sleep for the rest of your life. If you do, at best, you will think you need to run away. At worst, you will want to take the child to the pediatric return desk only to find it doesn’t exist. (Don’t worry, the lack of sleep thing only lasts a couple of years – uh, maybe eighteen)

Top Ten Things Not to Buy On-Line

September 5, 2022September 4, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 80 Comments

This list ran on September 21, 2015. I think it is still relevant. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list is inspired by having some unpleasant experiences with items purchased without having the luxury of trying them out first. Although extreme, this list is representative of some of the potential disappointments a buyer can experience in shopping online.

Top Ten Things Not to Buy Online

10 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cosmetic kit that promises an instant youthful appearance. If you do, at best, you’ll learn that what seems too good to be true is too good. At worst, you will need an intervention by an expensive dermatologist just to remove the facial mask. (And don’t you look good with a Jim Carrey green mask?)

9 If you are shopping online, do not buy that cheap juicer that claims to be as good as the $700.00 version. If you do, at best, you will still be able to use a spoon to eat the pulp that is all you can produce. At worst, the overload on your electrical system as the juicer tries to extract carrot juice will kill your lights and the entire East Coast grid. (And you thought your last electric bill was high)

8 If you are shopping online, do not buy that used car advertised to run like new. If you do, at best, you might get at least fifty miles before your first breakdown. At worst, the claim of running like new had small print where they were referring to a new Yugo. (Yes, that smoke you smell is coming from the engine compartment)

7 If you are shopping online, do not buy that bargain-priced pacemaker. If you do, at best, you may wonder why you are getting the Chicago Bears radio broadcast in your chest. At worst, you may figure out the thing does not keep pace according to the Western ecology. (Yes, it is noon, and you are sound asleep)

6 If you are shopping online, do not buy the do-it-yourself appendix removal kit. If you do, at best, you will have a fool for a patient. At worst, it will be difficult to perform the work and read the instructions. (Yeah, the picture of the appendix looks fuzzy to me too.)

5 If you are shopping online, do not buy those pharmaceuticals that are half-priced. If you do, at best, you won’t be ingesting pharmaceutical-grade cement. At worst, you will have to deal with why your symptoms won’t go away. (Cornstarch is a miracle product but not for the treatment of illness)

4 If you are shopping online, do not buy that half-priced airplane engine part. If you do, at best, you’ll have plenty of warning before it fails, which is not critical. At worst, you will learn maybe too late Murphy’s law of airplane parts which states, “The criticality of a plane engine component is directly proportional to its original cost.” (So the half price was attractive up to the point where the ground and you meet un-expectantly)

3 If you are shopping online, do not buy that hotel room at 70% off. If you do, at best, you will only suffer from no view other than the brick wall outside your window. At worst, you will return from your cheap trip only to discover you have brought home some rare and highly reproductive things that move fast when the lights go on. (That is an interesting rash you have there)

2 If you are shopping online, do not buy that robot kit priced way below what you have seen elsewhere. If you do, at best, you may be able to assemble it even though several parts are missing. At worst, once your new robot is ready, you realize it now has control over your house and a Napoleonic complex. (Sure is fun saluting a robot, isn’t it?)

1 If you are shopping online, do not buy that sale-priced action Xbox games. If you do, at best, you’ll find out on level three that your cheats no longer work, and you get killed every time. At worst, in the course of playing the game, you suddenly realize that it is for real, and now you are running for your life. (Okay, slight exaggeration. Hey, look out, that guy has an ax.)

Top Ten Things Not to do While Watching Football on TV

August 29, 2022August 28, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 64 Comments

Since the American football season is underway, I thought it would be good to pull forward a post that ran on September 25th, 2015. The season starts earlier this year, so hopefully, mistakes can be avoided. I hope you enjoy it.

Top Ten Things Not to do While Watching Football on TV

10 If you are watching football, do not work on your finances. If you do, at best, you might have to redo the numbers every time an announcer mentions a score. At worst, you could have a problem when your bank calls about a deposit slip that reads first and ten. (Sure, you can explain that to the bank teller)

9 If you are watching football, do not try to carry on a conversation. If you do, at best, you will not fool anyone when you answer the wrong question with the wrong answer. At worst, you could be vulnerable to saying yes to one of those tricky issues relating to vacation destinations or furniture style. (Hope you enjoy the 24-hour hot yoga class while on vaycay)

8 If you are watching football, do not try to write a post for Monday. If you do, at best, you may miss a mistook or two. At worst, the logic and care you put into your writing may be lost as you get muddled in your thought process and try desperately to make a comeback but find yourself fighting out of an awkward place and running eighty yards for a touchdown. (This shows you can obviously watch and write at the same time)

7 If you are watching football, do not try to figure out how to install that iPhone app. If you do, at best, you’ll never get your Apple password correct. At worst, you will fail to notice the $99.00 cost of the “Write like Steven King” app you just installed. (You can bet it works too)

6 If you are watching football, do not try to help the kids with their homework. If you do, at best, you will demonstrate why they should never ask again. At worst, your help is the impetus for the remedial intervention program in which they become enrolled at the school. (Well, you did try hard, didn’t you?)

5 If you are watching football, do not try to cook an elaborate meal. If you do, at best, the ingredients you forgot won’t be missed. At worst, you will have made a concoction that the government will want to use to undermine the morale of enemy troops. (You thought it was going to be perfect. Right?)

4 If you are watching football, do not try to talk on the phone to your boss. If you do, at best, your lack of attention will not be held against you. At worst, your boss will think you have some cognitive problem and assume you are drinking. (Too bad your boss has been to rehab cause now you are going)

3 If you are watching football, do not answer the door and have visitors drop in. If you do, at best, you will ignore them. At worst, you will offend the folks who stopped by not paying attention to them, and they happen to be the people in charge of the pre-school home visit staff. (This was the premier pre-school in your state)

2 If you are watching football, do not assume everyone in your household shares your passion. If you do, at best, you will wonder why you are watching the game alone. At worst, you might even find you are home alone, and there is no note telling where everyone has gone. (Hard to believe not everyone wants to watch twelve hours of Football on the weekend, hey, Bucky)

1 If you are watching football, do not commit to watching the kids. If you do, at best, they will not wander out of the house. At worst, you will be investigated by CPS for keeping the kids tied to the couch for a full four quarters. (You might have gotten away with just a half)

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Men Only Weekend Trip.

July 25, 2022July 24, 2022 ~ John W. Howell ~ 59 Comments

This list was originally posted on June 6th, 2016. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list is some men-only ski trips I have taken to Lake Tahoe. Some of the items in this list are a result of observation. There is at least one in which I participated. I’ll let you decide which one it is. I also wanted to make this list while the memory of snow is good.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Men Only Weekend Trip.

10 If you are on a men’s trip, do not volunteer to cook anything. If you do, at best, you will be relieved after the first meal. At worst, the group will love what you do, and you’ll spend the rest of the trip chained to the six-burner stove. (You always wanted someone to praise your food but not this much, huh, chump?)

9 If you are on a men’s trip, do not take your time to enter the house when you get there. If you do, at best, you’ll have the last pick of sleeping accommodations. At worst, the final selection will be the swing on the three-season porch, and the three seasons have passed. (Yes, that is snow on your shoulder this morning.)

8 If you are on a men’s trip, do not wear your at-home sleeping attire. If you do, at best, that hole-filled T-shirt will be the talk of the group long after the trip is over. At worst, pictures will be taken and go viral. (Pretty hard to explain no bottoms, isn’t it?)

7 If you are on a men’s trip, do not slip and fall headfirst into the hot tub while holding onto a pastrami sandwich. If you do, at best, you’ll be able to get rid of the sandwich before it hits the filter. At worst, the damage deposit will be entirely consumed by replacing the filter. (Guess who’s going to pay the whole thing?)

6 If you are on a men’s trip, do not decide to gamble unless you know what you are doing. If you do, at best, you will lose early and quit. At worst, you will win early and then continue until you are cleaned out. (Sure, the casino accepts American Express)

5 If you are on a men’s trip, do not try to convert anyone to your vegan principles. If you do, at best, everyone will think you are joking. At worst, your fellow travelers will keep their distance, hoping they don’t catch whatever you have. (The explanation of the virtues of the vegan lifestyle might be better if your audience is sober)

4 If you are on a men’s trip, do not forget the effects of high altitude on liquor consumption. If you do, at best, you might just pass out. At worst, you will spend the night using the ceramic microphone to call trains to places like Pittsburgh. (Amazing how long the detox process takes, huh, Bunky?)

3 If you are on a men’s trip, do not think the whole group wants to go with you to visit the place you were married. If you do, at best, you’ll go alone. At worst, those who go with you will think they have wasted their time and demand you pay for drinks. (Okay, I confess. This one is mine. The Producer and I married at Lake Tahoe, and I did convince some to visit the spot with me. Yes, I bought the drinks after.)

2 If you go on a men’s trip, do not think you must use all the drink coupons on the journey to the destination. If you do, at best, you will still be flying when you land. At worst, you’ll have to face the trip home without any fortification and in the center row between two members of the University wrestling team. (Maybe more air would help, but you can’t raise your arms trapped by the incredible hulks on each side.)

1 If you go on a man’s trip, do not forget a souvenir for the folks back home. If you fail, at best, you have just had your last men’s trip. At worst, the memory token will be chosen for you and will cost a little more than what you would have spent. (No, two ticket stubs from a casino show will not do.)